Christmas In Colorado

My trip to Colorado for Christmas was the first trip I have been on since my dads passing. I was nervous before leaving and was very unsure if it was a trip I was supposed to take. Part of me felt like I was running away from the life I was living in San Diego. To some of you that may be a dramatic thought process but I wanted to make sure I was handling the first year in the right manner. I haven't wanted to run away from anything and I was worried that leaving was doing just that.

The day I left was a difficult one but I knew as long as I got on the plane I would make it to Colorado. I worked that morning which helped me get through the day better. As I looked into the backpack I was taking on my trip I found cards from everyone at work. Each person had personally wrote me a Christmas card and the words brought tears to my eyes. It made me feel more prepared for what was ahead knowing that I had so many people that loved and cared about me.

As I landed in Denver I looked out the window to see the start of a blizzard, which would continue through the night and into the next day. I had told Chelsea that I wanted a white Christmas, which is exactly what I got. We were able to go sledding on Thursday and snowboarding on Friday, two things I don't have the chance to do often. Christmas eve was filled with family time and lots of food. Christmas started off bright and early as we opened presents and spent time together. Later that morning we went on a snowy mountain hike, it was beautiful. The rest of the day was spent with Chelsea's extended family.

My trip to Colorado to visit Chelsea and her family ended up being one of the biggest blessings. I was welcomed with open arms by everyone I met and I felt like I was apart of a family. Being apart of a family was something I desperately needed this holiday season. Everyone made me feel so special and the memories I shared with them will stay close in my heart. Colorado is a truly breathtaking place. Chelsea said it best, it's a place that feels like a retreat. Her house was so peaceful and it gave me time to step away from the everyday life of San Diego. I got used to being able to roam around town without being reminded constantly of different memories. I know that remembering moments spent with my dad is important but its not always easy to deal with those on a daily basis. At times it makes me feel as if I am stuck in the past unable to move forward. Spending a few days at Chelsea's house allowed me a little bit of time away from that emotion, time to let that part of my thought process relax.

My trip also reminded me that I have a family in San Diego as well. These people may not be family by blood but they are family nonetheless. I have been incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such incredible people who truly care about my well being. I spent a lot of time thinking through different things and I feel this trip has allowed me to step back and see things I may have been missing along the way. I think one of the biggest realizations that I made during the time I was gone has to do with my dad still being present. I woke up Christmas eve and realized that one of the best compliments I could ever receive is one that I have heard a number of times. The compliment I am speaking of is how similar I am to my dad including qualities and the heart he had. I don't think I have actually been able to accept that as a compliment since he passed away. I don't mean that in a bad way but it was difficult to see that in the midst of everything else that was going on. I also felt it was wrong to accept that when people said that because he is no longer here and was one of a kind in my eyes.

I have finally been able to accept that I can take those things people say and feel honored that I was compared to my father. There is nothing wrong with accepting that compliment, in fact it should remind me that my dad is always present. As long as I am alive my dads passion for life and caring heart has the ability to shine through me. I know that is what he would want out of me. If anyone ever believed in me it was my dad. The last thing he would want is for me to lose sight of my dreams and aspirations, but rather honor him by never giving up and reaching to the stars to achieve greatness. He is still here, he is all around me and when I smile I know that he is smiling right alongside me. Somewhere along the way I forgot or maybe lost sight of the fact that nothing can remove him from my life. He may not be here, which is what I am trying to work through but he is still with me. It's my job to not let his spirit die.

Taking a trip to Colorado where I was surrounded by different scenery was the best choice I have made this year. I feel more prepared for this coming  year and I am looking forward to the new challenges that I will be facing. I feel ready to focus on my future and for the first time in a while I am actually excited for what's ahead. I have reached a point where I am able to see positives through the negatives. I expect there will be difficult days because like it or not I am still going through the process of grief. However, I am learning new ways of dealing with this process and finding news ways of coping. It's a roller coaster and the past week has been a bumpy ride but the good thing is a roller coaster has an end. The climb may block what's ahead and make it difficult to see where it finishes but each time we step foot on a ride we trust that we will make it out alive. Control is let go and we place our trust in something other then ourselves.
 

My trust is placed in Gods hands, knowing that He has a plan for me and that His plan is so much greater then anything I could ever imagine. This weekend, as well as the past week was extremely tough but through it all one thing I do know is my faith grew a tremendous amount. Nights were rough without my dad and I struggled to make it through, but all that matters is I made it. The one thing I have learned this past year reminds me of what I heard in the movie remember me. 

"Enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it."

 We shouldn't take life for granted and we should try to enjoy each day we are given. We can't hold anything back or postpone what we want to do. More importantly we need to make sure the people we care about know, make sure they know how you really feel. Because remember just like that it could end...

God Bless,

Tay

A Year Without You

Life has a weird way of working out. One minute you are standing next to someone telling them how much you love them and then the next minute they are gone. A year ago I got ready for work just like any other day. As my dad made coffee we talked about our plans and the excitement of Christmas being only two days away.  I had my steelers beanie on and I was looking forward to watching the game with him that night. I went through the day as I normally would but the end result was anything but normal. 

That morning I spent with my dad would be the final moments I would ever spend with him. He passed away that morning, making the 23rd of December a day that I will never be able to forget. For some reason grief has a way of making you forget about a lot of things but the events of that day are something that will live on in my mind forever. 

As I traveled on a plane to Colorado it was the first time that I felt close to my dad. I soared through the air starring out the window imagining life in heaven.  For a little over two hours he was all I could think about and I sat there replaying the past year in my head. I know he is always with me. I know he will never leave my side but I still have a problem accepting that is all it will ever be. I can't help but think about that week and think there was more I could have done. If only I would have taken the time to notice things were different. But sadly that is something I can not change. 

Next week will mark the one year of the day we celebrated the amazing life my dad lived. I stood in front of family and friends and spoke of the incredible life he lived. Although I said what was on my heart I still feel there is so much more I could have said. I have re-read what I wrote over and over still wishing I could have done a better job. I mean he deserved that. 

I believe there comes a point in all of our lives where we begin to realize what truly matters. For me it was a shift in perspective and I began contemplating what it means to live each day as if it were our last. My goal for myself  every day is to affect at least one persons life in a positive way and to show them that I truly care about them. Some days are harder then others but right now all I can do is my best. 

For those of you who knew my dad you know he had this way of making people feel special. Every person he came in contact with was important to him. It didn't matter if he knew you for years or just met you, you mattered. I believe that is a quality he would want me to have and wants me to share with anyone I meet. 

I am thankful for the time I had with him because some people never get that. I know it's selfish for me to want more time but I think that's just human nature. We weren't created to deal with loss very well. In fact, I don't think we were prepared for the effects of loss at all. However, knowing there is so much more beyond the life we currently live helps with the pain. I know in my heart no matter how bad it hurts that I will see my dad again. I know that he will greet me with open arms and give me one of his hugs that I have been missing each day I wake up. 

As time continues to pass by the pain at this point only seems to increase. The cut is fully open right now and each time I think it has healed it's reopened with another event or memory from the past. The good news is it won't be like this forever. I know in my heart that I need to get through the new year before life can fall back into place. After next week is over there won't be as many "firsts" as there were the past year. The deep cut should begin to heal and slowly become less painful. There will still be times where the pain is greater then the previous day but as time goes by it won't be as painful when its reopened. I will learn and have learned to adjust to the life I have been forced to live knowing that my dad is always there. 

My year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs but there has also been a lot of good that has happened.   I have seen a lot of different people reach out and be there for me that I never expected would be. I have made some very important steps in a forward direction with an attempt to live as normal as possible. 

Early on I promised myself that I wouldn't allow my dads passing to hold me back from any place that was special to him. I returned back to Yannis Bistro for two amazing dinners, went to Stone Brewery, which was my dads favorite brewery, and also to the place he would take his last breath. Later in the year I celebrated his life by raising money for the American Heart Association and walked in his honor at the Heart Walk. Last week I returned back to my high school for the annual alumni game, which was the last weekend I spent with my dad. 

For me, all of those were big steps. They were moments and memories shared with my dad that were difficult to relive but I feel it's important to live as normal as possible. My dad wants me to be happy and wants me to make big decisions for myself. I finally signed up for classes and will be returning to school this coming January. I also finally did something for myself and I am spending Christmas in Colorado. I am honestly doing my best to continue moving forward in hopes of living a life that is worth something special. 

I thank you all for supporting me this past year. I never thought I could make it without my dad but with the help of everyone around me I am still taking the steps toward being happy again. Nothing can bring back my dad and nothing can take his place but I can still honor him in all that I do. I love my dad with all of my heart and today I miss him the same amount as I always do. There is no way for his passing to not affect me daily with the impact my dad had on my life. I will be happy again I know I will, but today I can't help but think of how different my life is without him here. 

Dad, I miss you so much and love you always and forever. Be with me today, tomorrow, and forever. Until I see you again I know you will always be right by my side. Your daughter I will always be. 

Merry Christmas &

God Bless,

Tay

Dammi Forza

The title of this blog is "dammi forza", which means "give me strength" in Italian. This has been a statement that I have lived by the past few months since I came across it in September. I was trying to find a specific saying that came across strong for the t-shirts I made for the heart walk. I also wanted there to be a lot of meaning behind the words I chose. I come from an Italian family so the Italian language, although I don't know very many words, is important to me. There is something about other languages that make sentences sound much better. This statement speaks volumes to me because everyday I ask God and my dad to give me the strength to make it through the day. I know that I personally do not have the ability to go about my day without the help of a loving God that blesses me with the world around me.

The reason I brought up this saying is because of what took place tonight. I have been dealing with a lot of different injuries for a long time. Currently I have been dealing with back and hip pain, so I will be getting an MRI to determine what is causing all the pain. The past two months or so I have been under a lot of stress and haven't been sleeping well, which is definitely not helping my situation out.  I am praying that everything turns out fine but I am also hoping that the MRI shows why I have pain in that area.

Tonight was the annual Alumni game at my high school and I was forced with the decision to play or stand and watch. I debated all week because I didn't know what to do. I knew that it probably wasn't a smart decision to play but everything inside of me was telling me I should. My dad loved the alumni game. I think he only missed one since I graduated high school. He would come and watch the team whether I played or not and always had comments to make about what we could do better. I mean plain and simple he pretty much judged what we were doing wrong and wasn't afraid to tell us. But we all loved it. He was a presence in the stands that everyone felt whether we saw him or not. He had this way of making all of us laugh even when things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. Someone the other day said it perfectly to me, they said "your dad was truly an amazing person and I feel honored to have had him as a friend". I too believe that my dad was an amazing individual and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call him my dad.

As I stepped on the field tonight and laced up my boots for the first time in a year, I had a ton of emotion flow through me. I remembered all the days in high school where he would sit in the cold weather and cheer me on. The days it was pouring and nobody wanted to be there, he would sit there and be proud of what I was accomplishing. If I got hurt or needed someone to cheer me up after the game, he was there. He always gave me strength to push myself to the limits I didn't even know I had. I continued to get dressed not sure if I would be able to play or not but that feeling was still in me that I needed to try. I felt that I owed him that. He loved watching me play soccer and I truly believe that it was those times that he was most proud of the person I was. We shared a passion for a sport that became my life from a very young age.

I began warming up and was surprised that I felt pretty good. I told myself that I would try my best but that if the pain became too much I would pull myself out of the game. I haven't touched a soccer ball since my senior game, which was two Novembers ago and would end up being the last game my dad ever saw me play. I did okay tonight, I didn't play how I used to play soccer but I tried my best. I have raspberries all over my left leg and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow but it was something I had to do. Not only did I have to do it for myself but I had to do it for my dad. It was the one risk that I have taken recently that I will except the consequences. Although I have wounds to show that I played, I also scored a goal that was entirely for my dad. We lost the game but it doesn't even matter because I achieved what I needed to. After scoring my way of honoring him was pointing and looking the sky showing that it was his strength that got me through.

Part way through the game I looked down at my finger and read the letters "J.T.A", it was at that time that I knew he was with me. Tonight was the start of a hard week but I have handled it very well so far. A little tears showed up tonight but that is going to happen. Tears will take place this week and probably more then ever but I will except those tears and know that I am still on my way to moving on. I know in my heart that I have grown a lot and I know that I will continue to grow. I am prepared for whatever takes place in the coming days and I pray that the people who are meant to be by my side will be there. I hope that those people aren't there because they feel they have to but rather want to.

I look forward to getting past the year anniversary and allowing myself to continue to heal. The amount of firsts won't happen as much and I feel the cut won't be as deep as it is right now. I am learning to deal with each situation that is presented and I know that I will only get better at controlling my emotions. I have been so incredibly lucky to have people come along side me and walk with me through all of this. For a while I was scared that everyone had disappeared but a few people have constantly reminded me lately that they are here and will do whatever they can to get me through all of this. For those of you who have been there and know what I am going through, I thank you for understanding and taking the time to listen. My one constant prayer through all of this is that those people who have been there will one day be blessed by God and they too will grow in their faith.

With all that said, my night was complete because I scored a goal for my dad and I know he is proud of me. I am sure me playing made him nervous though! :)

Once again thank you for all the support and the constant thoughts and prayers!

God Bless,
Tay