Christmas In Colorado

My trip to Colorado for Christmas was the first trip I have been on since my dads passing. I was nervous before leaving and was very unsure if it was a trip I was supposed to take. Part of me felt like I was running away from the life I was living in San Diego. To some of you that may be a dramatic thought process but I wanted to make sure I was handling the first year in the right manner. I haven't wanted to run away from anything and I was worried that leaving was doing just that.

The day I left was a difficult one but I knew as long as I got on the plane I would make it to Colorado. I worked that morning which helped me get through the day better. As I looked into the backpack I was taking on my trip I found cards from everyone at work. Each person had personally wrote me a Christmas card and the words brought tears to my eyes. It made me feel more prepared for what was ahead knowing that I had so many people that loved and cared about me.

As I landed in Denver I looked out the window to see the start of a blizzard, which would continue through the night and into the next day. I had told Chelsea that I wanted a white Christmas, which is exactly what I got. We were able to go sledding on Thursday and snowboarding on Friday, two things I don't have the chance to do often. Christmas eve was filled with family time and lots of food. Christmas started off bright and early as we opened presents and spent time together. Later that morning we went on a snowy mountain hike, it was beautiful. The rest of the day was spent with Chelsea's extended family.

My trip to Colorado to visit Chelsea and her family ended up being one of the biggest blessings. I was welcomed with open arms by everyone I met and I felt like I was apart of a family. Being apart of a family was something I desperately needed this holiday season. Everyone made me feel so special and the memories I shared with them will stay close in my heart. Colorado is a truly breathtaking place. Chelsea said it best, it's a place that feels like a retreat. Her house was so peaceful and it gave me time to step away from the everyday life of San Diego. I got used to being able to roam around town without being reminded constantly of different memories. I know that remembering moments spent with my dad is important but its not always easy to deal with those on a daily basis. At times it makes me feel as if I am stuck in the past unable to move forward. Spending a few days at Chelsea's house allowed me a little bit of time away from that emotion, time to let that part of my thought process relax.

My trip also reminded me that I have a family in San Diego as well. These people may not be family by blood but they are family nonetheless. I have been incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such incredible people who truly care about my well being. I spent a lot of time thinking through different things and I feel this trip has allowed me to step back and see things I may have been missing along the way. I think one of the biggest realizations that I made during the time I was gone has to do with my dad still being present. I woke up Christmas eve and realized that one of the best compliments I could ever receive is one that I have heard a number of times. The compliment I am speaking of is how similar I am to my dad including qualities and the heart he had. I don't think I have actually been able to accept that as a compliment since he passed away. I don't mean that in a bad way but it was difficult to see that in the midst of everything else that was going on. I also felt it was wrong to accept that when people said that because he is no longer here and was one of a kind in my eyes.

I have finally been able to accept that I can take those things people say and feel honored that I was compared to my father. There is nothing wrong with accepting that compliment, in fact it should remind me that my dad is always present. As long as I am alive my dads passion for life and caring heart has the ability to shine through me. I know that is what he would want out of me. If anyone ever believed in me it was my dad. The last thing he would want is for me to lose sight of my dreams and aspirations, but rather honor him by never giving up and reaching to the stars to achieve greatness. He is still here, he is all around me and when I smile I know that he is smiling right alongside me. Somewhere along the way I forgot or maybe lost sight of the fact that nothing can remove him from my life. He may not be here, which is what I am trying to work through but he is still with me. It's my job to not let his spirit die.

Taking a trip to Colorado where I was surrounded by different scenery was the best choice I have made this year. I feel more prepared for this coming  year and I am looking forward to the new challenges that I will be facing. I feel ready to focus on my future and for the first time in a while I am actually excited for what's ahead. I have reached a point where I am able to see positives through the negatives. I expect there will be difficult days because like it or not I am still going through the process of grief. However, I am learning new ways of dealing with this process and finding news ways of coping. It's a roller coaster and the past week has been a bumpy ride but the good thing is a roller coaster has an end. The climb may block what's ahead and make it difficult to see where it finishes but each time we step foot on a ride we trust that we will make it out alive. Control is let go and we place our trust in something other then ourselves.
 

My trust is placed in Gods hands, knowing that He has a plan for me and that His plan is so much greater then anything I could ever imagine. This weekend, as well as the past week was extremely tough but through it all one thing I do know is my faith grew a tremendous amount. Nights were rough without my dad and I struggled to make it through, but all that matters is I made it. The one thing I have learned this past year reminds me of what I heard in the movie remember me. 

"Enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it."

 We shouldn't take life for granted and we should try to enjoy each day we are given. We can't hold anything back or postpone what we want to do. More importantly we need to make sure the people we care about know, make sure they know how you really feel. Because remember just like that it could end...

God Bless,

Tay

A Year Without You

Life has a weird way of working out. One minute you are standing next to someone telling them how much you love them and then the next minute they are gone. A year ago I got ready for work just like any other day. As my dad made coffee we talked about our plans and the excitement of Christmas being only two days away.  I had my steelers beanie on and I was looking forward to watching the game with him that night. I went through the day as I normally would but the end result was anything but normal. 

That morning I spent with my dad would be the final moments I would ever spend with him. He passed away that morning, making the 23rd of December a day that I will never be able to forget. For some reason grief has a way of making you forget about a lot of things but the events of that day are something that will live on in my mind forever. 

As I traveled on a plane to Colorado it was the first time that I felt close to my dad. I soared through the air starring out the window imagining life in heaven.  For a little over two hours he was all I could think about and I sat there replaying the past year in my head. I know he is always with me. I know he will never leave my side but I still have a problem accepting that is all it will ever be. I can't help but think about that week and think there was more I could have done. If only I would have taken the time to notice things were different. But sadly that is something I can not change. 

Next week will mark the one year of the day we celebrated the amazing life my dad lived. I stood in front of family and friends and spoke of the incredible life he lived. Although I said what was on my heart I still feel there is so much more I could have said. I have re-read what I wrote over and over still wishing I could have done a better job. I mean he deserved that. 

I believe there comes a point in all of our lives where we begin to realize what truly matters. For me it was a shift in perspective and I began contemplating what it means to live each day as if it were our last. My goal for myself  every day is to affect at least one persons life in a positive way and to show them that I truly care about them. Some days are harder then others but right now all I can do is my best. 

For those of you who knew my dad you know he had this way of making people feel special. Every person he came in contact with was important to him. It didn't matter if he knew you for years or just met you, you mattered. I believe that is a quality he would want me to have and wants me to share with anyone I meet. 

I am thankful for the time I had with him because some people never get that. I know it's selfish for me to want more time but I think that's just human nature. We weren't created to deal with loss very well. In fact, I don't think we were prepared for the effects of loss at all. However, knowing there is so much more beyond the life we currently live helps with the pain. I know in my heart no matter how bad it hurts that I will see my dad again. I know that he will greet me with open arms and give me one of his hugs that I have been missing each day I wake up. 

As time continues to pass by the pain at this point only seems to increase. The cut is fully open right now and each time I think it has healed it's reopened with another event or memory from the past. The good news is it won't be like this forever. I know in my heart that I need to get through the new year before life can fall back into place. After next week is over there won't be as many "firsts" as there were the past year. The deep cut should begin to heal and slowly become less painful. There will still be times where the pain is greater then the previous day but as time goes by it won't be as painful when its reopened. I will learn and have learned to adjust to the life I have been forced to live knowing that my dad is always there. 

My year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs but there has also been a lot of good that has happened.   I have seen a lot of different people reach out and be there for me that I never expected would be. I have made some very important steps in a forward direction with an attempt to live as normal as possible. 

Early on I promised myself that I wouldn't allow my dads passing to hold me back from any place that was special to him. I returned back to Yannis Bistro for two amazing dinners, went to Stone Brewery, which was my dads favorite brewery, and also to the place he would take his last breath. Later in the year I celebrated his life by raising money for the American Heart Association and walked in his honor at the Heart Walk. Last week I returned back to my high school for the annual alumni game, which was the last weekend I spent with my dad. 

For me, all of those were big steps. They were moments and memories shared with my dad that were difficult to relive but I feel it's important to live as normal as possible. My dad wants me to be happy and wants me to make big decisions for myself. I finally signed up for classes and will be returning to school this coming January. I also finally did something for myself and I am spending Christmas in Colorado. I am honestly doing my best to continue moving forward in hopes of living a life that is worth something special. 

I thank you all for supporting me this past year. I never thought I could make it without my dad but with the help of everyone around me I am still taking the steps toward being happy again. Nothing can bring back my dad and nothing can take his place but I can still honor him in all that I do. I love my dad with all of my heart and today I miss him the same amount as I always do. There is no way for his passing to not affect me daily with the impact my dad had on my life. I will be happy again I know I will, but today I can't help but think of how different my life is without him here. 

Dad, I miss you so much and love you always and forever. Be with me today, tomorrow, and forever. Until I see you again I know you will always be right by my side. Your daughter I will always be. 

Merry Christmas &

God Bless,

Tay

Dammi Forza

The title of this blog is "dammi forza", which means "give me strength" in Italian. This has been a statement that I have lived by the past few months since I came across it in September. I was trying to find a specific saying that came across strong for the t-shirts I made for the heart walk. I also wanted there to be a lot of meaning behind the words I chose. I come from an Italian family so the Italian language, although I don't know very many words, is important to me. There is something about other languages that make sentences sound much better. This statement speaks volumes to me because everyday I ask God and my dad to give me the strength to make it through the day. I know that I personally do not have the ability to go about my day without the help of a loving God that blesses me with the world around me.

The reason I brought up this saying is because of what took place tonight. I have been dealing with a lot of different injuries for a long time. Currently I have been dealing with back and hip pain, so I will be getting an MRI to determine what is causing all the pain. The past two months or so I have been under a lot of stress and haven't been sleeping well, which is definitely not helping my situation out.  I am praying that everything turns out fine but I am also hoping that the MRI shows why I have pain in that area.

Tonight was the annual Alumni game at my high school and I was forced with the decision to play or stand and watch. I debated all week because I didn't know what to do. I knew that it probably wasn't a smart decision to play but everything inside of me was telling me I should. My dad loved the alumni game. I think he only missed one since I graduated high school. He would come and watch the team whether I played or not and always had comments to make about what we could do better. I mean plain and simple he pretty much judged what we were doing wrong and wasn't afraid to tell us. But we all loved it. He was a presence in the stands that everyone felt whether we saw him or not. He had this way of making all of us laugh even when things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. Someone the other day said it perfectly to me, they said "your dad was truly an amazing person and I feel honored to have had him as a friend". I too believe that my dad was an amazing individual and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call him my dad.

As I stepped on the field tonight and laced up my boots for the first time in a year, I had a ton of emotion flow through me. I remembered all the days in high school where he would sit in the cold weather and cheer me on. The days it was pouring and nobody wanted to be there, he would sit there and be proud of what I was accomplishing. If I got hurt or needed someone to cheer me up after the game, he was there. He always gave me strength to push myself to the limits I didn't even know I had. I continued to get dressed not sure if I would be able to play or not but that feeling was still in me that I needed to try. I felt that I owed him that. He loved watching me play soccer and I truly believe that it was those times that he was most proud of the person I was. We shared a passion for a sport that became my life from a very young age.

I began warming up and was surprised that I felt pretty good. I told myself that I would try my best but that if the pain became too much I would pull myself out of the game. I haven't touched a soccer ball since my senior game, which was two Novembers ago and would end up being the last game my dad ever saw me play. I did okay tonight, I didn't play how I used to play soccer but I tried my best. I have raspberries all over my left leg and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow but it was something I had to do. Not only did I have to do it for myself but I had to do it for my dad. It was the one risk that I have taken recently that I will except the consequences. Although I have wounds to show that I played, I also scored a goal that was entirely for my dad. We lost the game but it doesn't even matter because I achieved what I needed to. After scoring my way of honoring him was pointing and looking the sky showing that it was his strength that got me through.

Part way through the game I looked down at my finger and read the letters "J.T.A", it was at that time that I knew he was with me. Tonight was the start of a hard week but I have handled it very well so far. A little tears showed up tonight but that is going to happen. Tears will take place this week and probably more then ever but I will except those tears and know that I am still on my way to moving on. I know in my heart that I have grown a lot and I know that I will continue to grow. I am prepared for whatever takes place in the coming days and I pray that the people who are meant to be by my side will be there. I hope that those people aren't there because they feel they have to but rather want to.

I look forward to getting past the year anniversary and allowing myself to continue to heal. The amount of firsts won't happen as much and I feel the cut won't be as deep as it is right now. I am learning to deal with each situation that is presented and I know that I will only get better at controlling my emotions. I have been so incredibly lucky to have people come along side me and walk with me through all of this. For a while I was scared that everyone had disappeared but a few people have constantly reminded me lately that they are here and will do whatever they can to get me through all of this. For those of you who have been there and know what I am going through, I thank you for understanding and taking the time to listen. My one constant prayer through all of this is that those people who have been there will one day be blessed by God and they too will grow in their faith.

With all that said, my night was complete because I scored a goal for my dad and I know he is proud of me. I am sure me playing made him nervous though! :)

Once again thank you for all the support and the constant thoughts and prayers!

God Bless,
Tay

Thankful Even Through the Pain

Thanksgiving is one day in the year where people feel obligated to express how thankful they are for the things in their life. It's a day that forces us to really stop and think about the events and people in our lives. It's supposed to be a relaxing day consisting of traditions that have either been passed down from family members or the start of new traditions. Spending much needed time with family and friends is something that most of us look forward to, allowing us to forget about the everyday stress of life and just enjoy good company. Of course some of the best things about Thanksgiving is the food we get to enjoy, especially the pumpkin pie.

However this year, the days leading up to Thanksgiving has consisted of constantly thinking and remembering all the incredible memories I had with my dad. He loved Thanksgiving, I think he actually loved it more then any other holiday. He enjoyed spending time with family and friends, the people that he was most thankful for. He used the day to show how much he cared and the only thing that mattered to him was that we were all together in one place. Our family tradition was being together as a family and having as many people show up as possible. He truly cared about the day and if it didn't go as planned he was disappointed in himself.

When you lose someone you never think that the traditions that once occurred would disappear as if they were nothing. But, for me, my family has decided to act as if we never celebrated this day together and are choosing to spend the holiday doing their own things. I found myself in a lonely place, an empty house, and stuck remembering the past only wishing I could return to those days. I wish I could go back to the day where we spent Thanksgiving with close friends and then two days later took a trip to USC to watch Notre Dame. It was so much fun and I remember it like it was yesterday. My dad was so excited that we were all together for the game, and although Notre Dame would end up losing, the trip was well worth it.

This week I have done my best to keep a positive mindset and some minutes seemed much easier then others. I was very quiet at times but it wasn't in a bad way, I was just spending a lot of time reflecting on the past events. I may have been spending too much time thinking about all that but it was my way of dealing with the emotions behind it all. I know that it was hard for people around me because I looked down and out. They wanted to get me out of the place. I had people offering places for me to spend Thanksgiving all week, which you would think would make things easier but in reality it was still incredibly difficult. The only place I really wanted to be was the place my dad was at, because it didn't matter where I was, as long as I was with my family.

Today is month number eleven, and at times I feel like I am no longer moving forward but instead moving backward at a quick rate. I feel like I have no strength to make it through the next two months or so. I have been told by many that this is the hardest time of the grief process and that the one year mark is a difficult period. But, I have also been told that once the year mark passes, things begin to fall into place and you learn to look to the future a little more then before. I hope that some form of light is entered into my path and suddenly things become much more clear. I struggled today to see that light. I could only see dark and I felt non-existent. I haven't felt this way in a very long time and it was hard to deal with. I could tell I was in a panic, overtaken by anxious emotions and feeling lost in the crowd. I found myself standing there starring into space wondering if I would ever regain attention to what was actually taking place. I did my best to work through it because I knew that I couldn't allow myself to succumb to those emotions. It was hard but I worked through the feeling of panic and continued my day. I had the option to go home but felt it was important for me to get through it without running away.

Tomorrow I will spend Thanksgiving with Tim and Julie, which I feel blessed to have had the many offers that I was given for dinner tomorrow. I am thankful for the people in my life who care enough to make sure I am not alone tomorrow. Everything in me wants to be alone. A big part of me wants to sit in the house that we always spent Thanksgiving, whether it's alone or not. However, I know that my dad would not want that. He would be mad at me if I turned down every offer that was given to me just to sit at home alone. He was all about showing love and if it meant going out of your way to do so then that is what he would do. He lived his life to love. I am positive that it is one of the reasons why I am surrounded by so much of it. Anyone that has been apart of my life and knows about the death of my father has done everything in their power to be there for me. People wanted me to spend the day with them, they wanted me to smile through the pain, and all day today people tried there best to get me out of the funk I was in.

Hopefully everyone understands that I wasn't trying to stay in a sad place. I didn't feel like myself at all, which was a feeling I haven't been feeling since I first started this journey. I thought I had moved past the feeling of being in a panic and feeling anxious. The hugs, jokes, and small demonstrations of love definitely helped me make it through today. Tomorrow is going to be another big step. It will be the first Thanksgiving without my dad. I don't expect it to be an easy day but I do promise to attack it with all that I have. I am thankful that I will be surrounded by people that truly care and love me all through the day. We all have something to be thankful for. Although my year has been extremely difficult, I know in my heart that I have so much to be thankful for. I know that I am lucky to have so many people that care about me and want to see me happy. I feel blessed in more ways then one. I may not be with my immediate family but I will be with family that God has given me. He has blessed me with these people to help me through things like this. Ultimately God is the only person that knows what I need and I trust that He will place me in those spots tomorrow surrounded by more love then ever.

I just want to thank each of you for showing me so much love and for allowing me to work through the grief process. Each person in my life has been there at different points and I would not be here today without all that support. Please know that I feel incredibly lucky to have the people I do in my life. Whether it seems like it or not, I am thankful for each one of you. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and remember each and every blessing that you have in your life. Don't take anything for granted and remember to tell those you love that you love them because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

God Bless,
Tay

One Step at a Time

I would be lying if I sat here and told people that I was handling the negatives that seem to be engulfing my life in a proper manner, however, I have not allowed myself to lose sight of a better day. As the holidays approach I am unable to see myself making it through the next two months in the "strong" manner that a lot of people hope to see out of me. With that being said, I do plan on giving it my all and proving my ability to make it through each day that I am so blessed to be apart of. There have been days the past few months that have been difficult to make it through and nights that felt as if they would never end. I have looked in the mirror at times and could only see someone that is falling so quickly with no hope of anything better. I began to doubt any reason to keep trying to move forward and lost all self confidence. I saw myself as someone that would never make it through all of this. I attempted to find a way out of feeling like this by keeping busy, going to church, bible study and even asking for prayers from others, something that has never been easy for me. I made some stupid decisions at times knowing where I was headed but felt unable to get out of it. The word stuck started to take on a new meaning. I continued to pray, I prayed for a better day, a day where I didn't cry the entire drive to work, home or to sleep. I noticed I pushed away help and wasn't willing to open up and tell anyone what I was feeling. For some people, reading this blog may be the first time you hear any of this and for others I may not have told you directly but you probably saw it on my face. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve has been the story of my life lately.

However, even with all that being said, there is a love that surrounds my life that is so much greater then anything else in the entire world. I am incredibly blessed to always know that I have a God that is so much bigger then all things. God has promised me a future, a future that is so much better then anything anyone else has to offer. The only thing He asks is that I keep my eyes fixed on the bigger picture and live my life in His honor. One of the verses that has always stuck out in the bible is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In this verse it is clear that being depressed isn't something that God wants to occur for the rest of my life. There are going to be periods in time that are more difficult then others and I believe that continuing to trust that I will make it through these periods in time is key to my success in the coming months. I have to keep taking steps forward and although I may move backwards at times, I can't allow myself to fall back into a place of no hope. Hope is the one thing that will keep my heart searching for something better.

Luckily, sadness isn't something that has to last forever and we are given the strength to break through the hold that depression attempts to have on our lives. As I sat in a lecture this weekend and listened to Gary Gray speak about how the body functions, a course known as chain reaction, I immediately wanted something more for myself. As time has passed I struggled knowing what to do with my life or what was going to make me happy. I have always known that I would do something that consisted of helping people, I have known that since before high school. But, the years passed and questions filled my mind about what I could see myself doing and if I would be good at those things. I have doubted myself more in the past 10 months then ever before. For some reason, losing my dad caused me to question my existence. His death caused me to wonder if I was even worth it and how I could help anyone else when I couldn't even help myself. My dad believed in my goals, my dreams and a future where I could be anything I wanted to be as long as I put my entire heart into it. He was always amazed at my ability to pursue a goal and never give up no matter what it took to get there. Somewhere on the journey through grief I lost the ability to believe in myself and lost the ability to strive to be better.

As I sat in this conference room, I heard the passion that flowed through his voice as he taught lessons on functional movement. Gary Gray in four hours was able to pull something out of me that had been missing for a very long time. I had not sat there very long before realizing that a physical therapist is what I want to be and I am willing to do what it takes to get there. Gary is an inspiration, not only to me, but to a lot of other people who can only hope to have the impact he has had on the lives of those around him. He has an amazing heart, and continues to strive to reach new goals, always wanting to learn and never willing to give up. Within hours of being at the Catamaran I had a smile on my face knowing that I had a purpose and a future. Gary helped me see that I am incredibly passionate about learning how to help people and that my heart is surrounded around one day being the best physical therapist I can be. The steps won't be easy but they will be worth it. The lives I hope to touch will be well worth the sacrifices that have to be made along the way. A spark was ignited and it made me realize that I want to be so much better then the person I currently am. I want to be able to shine Gods light into the lives of hurting and struggling people through caring for them.

I am meant to be a service to those around me and as I continue to learn I will also learn new ways of helping myself through trials. Even once I make it through this tough time, I know there will be more to come and I know that I will be forced to cling to the only thing I know will get me through...God. This post has more importance then most of my posts have had on my life. The purpose behind writing the words in my heart is to be able to come back and read what I said. I no longer want to question what I am meant to do, or doubt my ability. I know what is in my heart no matter how run down I may feel a week or weeks from now. I want to know that the events of the last few days happened for a reason. Spending the weekend with Chels and Megs in Irvine gave me a chance to refresh. It was a much needed break from life in San Diego and I believe it helped me get on track with where I want to go. As I said before it will be a slow process, but all it takes is one step at a time, one step forward no matter how many I take backward.

So, as I finish to take another step forward in this journey, I am thankful for the good and the bad days because I continue to grow. I was blessed to return home from work tonight to a package that I had been waiting for. In this package was a ring, a ring that I created in honor of my dad that I could always wear. The ring is sterling silver and has a carved out tear drop that signifies not only sad but happy tears in his memory. On the inside of the ring there is an engraving, which says "until we meet again", because the Irish blessing that consists of that saying was a favorite to my father who graduated from Notre Dame. The saying also has meaning to me as well because I can't wait until we meet again and until that day is meant to happen I need to live a life that is worth something. I know that my dad wants so much more for me and it wouldn't make him a very proud father if I took the easy road or chose to sell myself short. With that being said, dad, until we meet again I know that God will hold me in the palm of his hand with your hand also playing a big role. I love you with all my heart, always and forever.

God Bless,
Tay

As Time Goes By...

It's been over a month since I wrote on my page and I wish I could say that a lot has changed but in reality it really hasn't. I have been through a number of very emotional days consisting of moments of happiness, as well as sadness. It's been tough to figure out how to live as normal as possible without allowing my emotions to affect my daily life. There have been days at work where I struggled to focus mentally and allowed myself to collapse. It's difficult at times to separate all that is occurring in my life from my position at work, however, I work in a field that doesn't allow me to hide from those emotions. On those bad days it's very noticeable for everyone around me and it becomes worse because I know I am allowing myself to succumb to all that is taking place. Recently things have occurred that I can't seem to release from my thought process and because of it all aspects of my life have began to spiral downward. On good days work is my safe haven, a place where I can smile and drop my worries at the door. My job is the one thing in my life that gives me purpose and a hope for the future. I truly love what I do on a daily basis no matter how difficult it is at times. I have a great support system and a lot of people who care for me more then I could have ever asked for. It truly is a blessing. 

Another blessing is the bible study that I was invited to about three weeks ago. The group of women that I spend my Tuesday nights with are truly incredible. The fact that I know that I have so many people praying for me is a positive light in the middle of a lot of darkness. It brings a different form of light to my life and helps me strive to be the best person I can be each day. I have noticed the positive influence this group has had on my daily living and my ability to try and see the positive in all that I do. Of course, some days are much worse then others but I continue to pray for a better day.

After I lost my dad I struggled with the ability to focus, felt in a daze at times, and also noticed that working was easier when I kept busy. Life was easier when I kept busy. The past week or so I have been noticing similar issues that I once dealt with as I attempted to return back to "normal" life. At work, I do much better early in the morning and can stay on task easier when it's busy. I have seen a change in my ability to focus for long periods and even feel like at times I am not actually present for certain events. Sleep has been difficult and I never feel very rested. I continue to shut myself out from most people in my life and have been spending a lot of time alone unless at work. I thought about it the other day and I really don't know where I would be without work because I think I would have shut myself out from everything. I also noticed that I no longer share what's really on my mind and have kept a lot of my feelings hidden. I wait until I am alone to fall apart and then feel lost. I am unable to explain this change and at times it's been difficult to deal with. I continue to do the best that I can each and every day. I know that I haven't been dealing with some of life's situations in the proper manner but hopefully over time all of that changes. I know that I need to let people into my life rather then just wearing my emotions on my sleeve but bugging people is still a very difficult thing for me. I just feel like my life will continue to be anything but normal but that doesn't mean that anyone else should deal with that.

I can't stop thinking about the fact that it has almost been a year since I lost my dad. For most this date will mean nothing and they may not even remember the day it occurred. As for me, it's hard to believe that it has been that long and it's even more difficult for me to not think about whats ahead. I wish I knew how the next two months would turn out but I can't know and I won't know until each day happens. Luckily things I felt the need to worry about are things I actually don't need to worry about at all. The people around me are aware and prepared for whatever these months may bring. The fact that I don't have to stress about anything helps so much because each situation will bring it's own issues. I am prepared for whatever may take place and a part of me is looking forward to this chapter being over with. I know that may sound bad to some of you but I feel like getting through the first year is a big step and I can only hope that this next year is better then the last. As these months go by I will no longer have to deal with as many "firsts", and although I still wont fully be prepared for how I handle things, I will at least know that I previously made it through those same days. It's a way for me to look at the next year in a positive manner and gives me the ability to see light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

I love my dad with all my heart and I think about him constantly. I wish he was here more then anything but I know that no matter how much I want that, it won't bring him back. He is with me whether I feel he is or not and that makes me feel a little better going forward. I don't want to lose hope and I will keep praying that each aspect of my life falls back into place. As for the coming weeks, I will give it my best.

Love to all and God bless!

Tay

I Will Rise Pt. 2

I recently was talking to someone very important in my life and she asked me if I had recently read any of the posts I wrote when I began my blogging journey or if I had read any journals I wrote. My answer to that question was no, I have not read any of my older posts in a very long time. She then responded with, "I think you should go back and read some of them because you will see how you have grown since those older posts." I have made it a priority in my life that when someone gives me their opinion on whatever it may be, that I will listen and give any idea a try. So, last night I read the first post that I ever wrote on my blog page. The post was filled with hope and a faith that surpassed anything that I currently have. But what I found to be interesting wasn't my first post but rather the second one.

I started this blog page the day before my dad had his second heart attack, which was 20 years after his first one. This heart attack was also two days after his 60th birthday. A birthday that was incredibly memorable because so many of his close friends were involved in the surprise party. I had been having a really good week. We had a great celebration, I was seeing God change lives at the bible study we had at my house, and I was just enjoying being in college. Unfortunately as Friday rolled around the smoothness of life would quickly turn into a dark path with a lot of unknowns. This was something that was all too familiar for me.

As a college student I had become accustomed to receiving phone calls regarding problems with my dad and his heart. It began in high school but the hardest experience was my first year in Kansas. In all honestly it was the first time in my life that I truly felt helpless. I didn't know how to handle my own emotions and I didn't know how to be there for my dad with him being so far away. It was a very difficult time for me and I turned to a lot of different things to run away from what I was feeling. I pushed friends away and just didn't care about most things in my life. I found it to be hard to wake up and I had no interest in going to school. There was only one thing I wanted and that was to be with my dad. Each year after that I would receive very similar phone calls, however my response to those phone calls became much different.

Luckily the  call I received that April would have a dramatically different response then when I was in Kansas. I had just finished school and my mom called telling me my dad may have had a stroke and that she was taking him to the hospital. They were supposed to be going to Julian that weekend for his birthday, which was the only reason my mom was at home. My dad had no one at the office so it was a blessing that my mom could get there immediately. My plans for the day were to be in La Jolla with a friend, which just so happened to be the exact location of the hospital my dad went to. My initial response was to panic, get scared, and worry about what would happen next. Janelle came over to my house and prayed with me, allowing me to cry and release all that I was feeling. She reassured me that God was with my dad and that He was in control. Within seconds of her praying I began to understand my role in the situation that had presented itself. Panicking had no part in that role. Even as I calmed down I continued to ask the question "why my dad...why is he going through this again?".

It didn't take long for me to understand that it had to be my dad. It had to be him because of the impact he had made and the lives he had touched. God wasn't allowing all of us to go through a difficult situation to only help one person. He wanted my dad to remember how precious life was and that he couldn't take anything for granted. God wanted my mom to find strength in him and to overlook the negatives and see even the slightest positive. And He wanted me to have faith in Him, to trust that everything would be okay and it was also the day I began to accept Gods purpose for life and death. I felt a sense of comfort with us every moment of that day. I heard love flow through the mouths of doctors, nurses, and the rest of the hospital staff. I was reminded that day that I don't own anything and that every single thing in my life could be taken from me in the blink of an eye. I was forced to remember that allowing fear to take over my life in difficult situations gets me no where, but instead I should trust in a God that is so much greater then all things. In that first ever post I wrote this, "He has his hand in every little thing and it's all to help us, never to hurt us". Even now I know this to be the truth, but at times it's hard for my brain to believe that my heart feels that way.

This was the last paragraph I wrote that night, "God has allowed me to stand when I had no ability to stand on my own, and He has placed by my side the people and support I have needed. By the end of the night I was the strength in my family, the person calming everyone down and telling them it would be okay. Before I left the hospital I gave my dad a kiss and a hug, and told him I loved him. I walked out of the hospital extremely scared to leave and anxious for the morning to arrive so I could return to my dads side, but even with all those emotions going on I know God is with him tonight. What takes place in our lives won't always be easy and the minute you think things are going well, something else will show up. But each time you will grow even more to the point where things like this won't even phase you because you know Who is behind it, not what, but Who. God is behind every single thing and when I told my mom that tonight she responded with, "even something like this?" I said to her it may not look good now but I have no doubt that good will come from this because God will show each of us something we were unaware of. I love my dad with all my heart, but God loves Him even more, and that is why I have nothing to worry about."

As I read through that post it was difficult to replay but it also gives me hope for a better day. At that point in my life my dads situation was very difficult for me to deal with because I was afraid I was going to lose him. Obviously a few months later my life would again be shaken but this time it would be for good. It's pretty amazing to look back to those posts and see that even in the most difficult circumstances my faith stayed strong, in fact it grew to be even stronger then it was. My faith must stay strong right now as well. I am trying to play it off like I am fine and that I can get through this but inside I am hurting so much. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss my dad but the one thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day I will see him again.  The title of that post was "I Will Rise", and there is so much truth in that because I will in fact rise and continue going forward with my life. I know that I will have weeks like this one where all I can think about is my dad but I also know I will have weeks where I don't think about him constantly. It's a good thing to have those weeks where I get a mental break and don't feel overwhelmed with grief. 

I may be struggling to feel my dad, but I know that he has to be with me. He never once left my side so why would he now? I love him more than anything and I only hope that he is proud of all that has taken place lately. I also hope that I am making him proud in some way or another because that is one thing that is very important to me. 

God Bless,

Tay

A Difficult Place

I know that at any point my life could end. I know that no matter what happens during my day that I must continue to trust that God has a plan for me and that His purpose for my life is so much greater then anything I could ever imagine. I also know that if God were to take my life tomorrow, that I still need to trust Him and trust His plan for me. God is the only reason I have life so who am I to think that I ever deserve more time then what He is willing to give me. The answer to that is I am nothing, I don't deserve anything and neither does anyone else. Now as I sit here and say all that, why can't I accept that my dad is no longer here? Actually it's not that I can't accept it, because I know that it was part of Gods plan and there is nothing that could have changed that. The facts are I miss my dad more then anything. All I want is to have a weekend with him where we sit and watch football with no cares in the world. I want him to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be okay. I need to know that no matter what I will make it and that he will be there every step of the way. I feel like all I see is dark in front of me and each time I see a little glimpse of hope it seems to be washed away with a huge wave. There are so many things in my life that I wish I could change, relationships I wish I could fix, decisions I need to make, and things I need to achieve but I can't seem to fulfill any of those. I would give up everything in my life to have more time with my dad. I don't think I ever realized how much I would miss him. I took each day I had with him for granted thinking he would always be there. I know I shouldn't regret anything but I do. I regret not being a better daughter and not telling him more often how much I cared and appreciated the father he was to me. If only I could go back in time...but I can't. I am stuck with a lot of what if's. What if he was still here, what if I would have been with him, what if he didn't constantly have so much on his plate and what if my family didn't run him to the ground with all their issues. Would any of those have made a difference? The only answer I have to all that is no, because in my heart I am doing my best to believe that nothing could have changed what happened. In my heart I am trusting that God will bring good from all of this and that there is something more that I can't see right now. Usually when I write I have some hidden meaning where I write for others to hear a message. I apologize but tonight you are reading whats in my heart. This is me being vulnerable and just saying what I feel rather then hiding behind fake emotions. All I can be is me and sometimes that doesn't even feel like it's good enough. I feel like I am without a lot of things right now and truthfully all I want is to have my dad with me. I miss him, plain and simple. I wake up each morning wishing he was here with me. I can't help but think about him in all I do. Maybe this is just a tough time for me and my hope is that it will end soon. I do have hope for a future, a future that consists of happiness but right now its difficult to see that. I know people have it much worse and it's amazing to me the things people can get through, but making it through is something I am struggling with. I just don't see myself making it at this point.

I love you dad with all my heart and I miss you more then anything!

God Bless,
Tay

Life and 23

I have watched time fly by me as if days have passed by without ever taking place. Events that would usually have a lot of meaning have proven to be unimportant when it comes to remembering details because my mind has just skipped over them. I have watched people come in and out of my life, as well as realized some of the amazing support I have surrounding me. People have given up things in their lives to be there for me and have constantly done anything they could to help me feel better, yet I continue to struggle. The conversations I have been apart of and the lessons I have been taught are things that I would never want to change. However, as I come up on the 9 month mark of losing my dad I feel as if I have only made steps backward rather than forward. At least I have felt that way lately...

Friday will be 9 months. You may wonder why I would be keeping account of the months since losing my dad but honestly it seems to be an unconscious thought. I feel as if the number 23 will forever be changed in my eyes and that I will never be able to look at that number as anything but the day my dad passed away. For the next year I will be forced to learn to deal with stating the number 23 each time someone asks me how old I am. Hopefully through that process, as well as over time it will become easier and that number will only be significant for the exact day. Constant thoughts like those last ones running through my head are apart of my day and night. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with some of the most random thoughts that I have ever had. I don't even remember the last time that I actually got a good night of sleep. I feel exhausted often and some days are much worse than others but I know that I must continue to live.

As I read one of my grief share emails this week it talked about the future and not getting stuck in the past, which caused me to question whether I was moving forward or not. For a few weeks I had felt like I was making steps in the right direction and actually saw some light shining on my life plans. As I continued to talk about those plans I began to feel overwhelmed and scared. I immediately felt in a panic and anxious about the things I needed to do to reach my ultimate goal. I am not sure why I am so scared but everything in me is telling me that I can't do it. I used to feel so strong and had a good amount of self confidence. I always gave everything I had when it was something I wanted or something I cared about. Somewhere along the way I feel as if I have lost that. I am unsure if it was when my dad passed away or possibly before but it's a feeling that causes me to run away. I can honestly say that the future terrifies me and that it's very difficult for me to look ahead rather then back to the events of December 23rd.

The past week has been very difficult for me. I had multiple breakdowns where hope was non-existent. The days leading up to the Heart Walk consisted of nights where I cried myself to sleep, woke up throughout the night crying and also woke up for my day crying. I would leave work and the first thing I did when I got in my car was cry. Although all I wanted was to ask for help, I couldn't do it. I was worried about feeling vulnerable and also about bothering people. I wanted to try to make it through by myself, which is why I still haven't asked for anyone to be there. I asked for prayers, which was a very difficult step for me but I knew I needed them. I am not one to ask for that, not sure why but I am just not good at it. I am at a place in my grief journey where I am struggling and have a lot of those nights where I just feel alone. Those nights consist of me laying in bed awake, sometimes in tears because of the pain I am feeling. The hole that my dad once filled seems to be growing and I can't find my way out of it. Different issues in my life keep happening and I just wonder when I will show some sort of improvement. When will I actually feel like I am making forward progress rather than just moving backwards?

The important thing for me is that I must move on. It's not easy to move away from the past when the past includes losing something that was so important. My thoughts immediately return to that day and lately I have wondered if I could have done anything to change it. The thing about that is I know that I can't. I know that all of this was Gods plan, yet I can't seem to grasp that when my emotions begin to take over. The grief share email that I mentioned earlier in this post was something I really needed to read and a few days later another one about moving on appeared again. Now I don't know if that's a sign but I do know that I have had a rough time getting past losing my dad. I have always found analogies to be useful because I feel like they paint a picture for the mind. As I was driving today I was looking back into the rear view mirror and it reminded me of something I had read before about not looking too long at what is behind you. Could you imagine how dangerous it would be if while I was driving I starred into the rear view mirror only looking at what was behind me? The thing about the process of grief is that it forces you to focus on the past because you aren't able to move on from the person you lost. It's especially hard if that person was someone who impacted your life dramatically. The pain of losing that person will never go away. When people try to say that over time the pain will go away, that is not the case. You will in fact always feel pain from the things you lose but over time you have to find ways to move forward.

In my heart I know that I must move forward and that I need to attempt to move on from the things behind me but it's a difficult task. Trying to move forward knowing that my dad won't be apart of anything is a hard concept for me to grasp. He is the one person that I wanted to be there as I continued my life journey. But I have choices and those choices could be detrimental in how my life turns out from this moment forward. I can stay in the grief or I can move on. That doesn't mean that the pain of losing my dad will no longer be there because it always will be. I can't expect that one day I will no longer miss my dad or feel sorry that he is no longer here. That is something that I will always carry but it doesn't mean that I can't use my past to build on my future. I can't forget the past but I also don't want to live there. I don't want to miss out on a lot of great things because I am too focused on things that happened long ago. I want to move on I just have to figure out how to do that. I need to figure out what I can do for myself to help me get past all of this without having to bug other people. I want to be happy but without my dad here it's not easy to allow myself to actually enjoy all aspects of my life. Maybe that is also something that comes with time...

God Bless,
Tay

Brick by Brick

This morning as I was preparing for my day, I was reading one of the daily emails that I receive, and a specific quote immediately caught my attention. The quote said, "you can't always see where God is leading you, but you can always look back and see where He has been." This quote stuck out to me because there is so much truth in those words. During difficult situations it's hard to see any good. You begin to wonder why you have to go through something that seems so impossible. In fact there are some situations that force us to feel like the only option is just to give up. This thought process isn't completely inaccurate because giving up is what needs to happen, but I don't mean giving up in a negative way. The giving up that I am speaking of is giving up control, ridding yourself of worry, fear, and anxiety. By giving these few things up you are opening your door to life in a whole new way and allowing your mind the ability to relax. You are giving yourself permission to live each day as it happens.

As I have talked about before, for some reason there are days where lyrics in songs just hit me and I no longer can hear that specific song without constantly thinking about what the lyrics mean. It is the reason I enjoy music so much and the reason I love all the different genre's. The song that got me thinking was "Brick by Boring Brick" by Paramore. Paramore has been attacked a number of times about the meanings of their lyrics and whether they are a Christian band or not. I don't know the answer to that but I feel like as you listen to their music you can find a number of references towards God and living a life filled with faith. I don't have an exact explanation as to why this song popped into my head but as I thought about it I felt like I had an understanding of the lyrics.

Before actually thinking about the song this whole thought process started with a devotional. The devotional was about rebuilding your faith and allowing God to piece together your life through any situation that presents itself. It spoke of a wall being built up and broken down but always being rebuilt in the end. As situations occur in our lives our wall is broken down. It's possible that our wall is only partly torn down or in the "worst" case the entire wall is shattered. The instances where the wall is partly torn is usually because we need a change of direction or we may need to start over at a task we were struggling with. These trials could be fixed quickly or could take some time but usually they don't effect every piece of our lives. However, when the wall is shattered we are forced to start over, to begin picking up the pieces and figuring out how to continue living. It is during those times that without us even knowing, God is placing new bricks into our wall to help us begin again. It's not always easy to see that He is present, but later down the road we find that it was during those struggles that he was ever so near.

The analogy of a brick wall being torn down is how I view the "process" of grief or the "grief journey". For me, my wall was completely shattered. I saw such a huge part of my life ripped away from me and I was left to figure out how to fix it. As I fought to figure out how to continue living I saw my life fall apart even more. I was extremely depressed and had no clue how to pick myself up. Luckily I found a few things to focus on and have some people in my life that haven't allowed me to fall apart too much. The things I am passionate about such as: my job, working out, my friends, and continuing to strive to be the best person I can be, have allowed me to see hope in this dark tunnel. Along with the things I have just mentioned, I have an amazing support group that has always been there and continues to be there for me. These people have acted as my temporary wall and have been my strength when I couldn't find any.

As I continued to think about the devotional I read and the idea of a wall being rebuilt Paramore's song made it's way into my thoughts. "Brick by Boring Brick" is a song that forces you to rethink where your mind is and helps you see what is real. At times we get so caught up in all the small meaningless issues in our lives and we no longer can see the good in all that is around us. We begin to live a life that is anything but optimistic. I love some of the lyrics in the song that bring you back down to reality and remind you to just focus on the things you can see in front of you. It's about using the lens that God has given you to really see what He wants you to see and then to act on that. We can't just attempt to escape real life and choose to live in a fantasy world. We have to face each step forward with all we have. Ultimately how we view the things that happen to us, the situations that arise, and the choices we make, is the most important thing. We have the ability to see the positives in every trial that is presented in our lives. It's not easy and it may take a long time but it will be worth it if you can just live for each day. The title of the song comes down to the fact that it's not a quick journey or a smooth path, but each brick will bring about new strength.

As God continues to place new bricks into our wall we are able to find new strength, strength we didn't know we had. This is where trust plays a big role. We have to trust that in due time things will get better and our life will fall into place. It may be a small trial or it might be something extreme but no matter what it is each one takes time and effort. We must be willing to see the good, to think positively, and to attempt to do good things while we wait for our lives to make sense. It goes back to that quote because at some point we will see where God made his presence. God will give us the opportunity to make changes in our lives and He will give us opportunities to work on the areas that we need help. If He immediately fixed every situation or gave us everything we wanted then we would never grow in our faith.

It's a long road, a journey, a process, but one day you will look back and see where you started. One day I will look back and see what I have gained along this path. I already have a hard time believing that I have made it as far as I have but it really shouldn't surprise me. My strength hasn't come from me but from a God that has continued to provide the necessary things to get me through. I can't say I enjoy this process and although time is flying by it also feels as if it's not moving. I feel like I haven't made much progress and tend to feel like I am still struggling more then I should be. I know that I am handling things better then I have been in the past months and I am extremely thankful that I have a lot of passion for a few very important things in my life. By allowing myself to take pride in certain goals it has kept me busy and forced me to keep moving forward. My wall will be rebuilt and although it might be a long time before it's strong again, I know that I will make it. Brick by brick my life will fall back into place and I will find true happiness. I will be able to accept what has taken place in my life the past few years and move forward.

Whatever trial it is that you are going through includes some form of grief. Grief can hit in many different levels and at times we don't even realize that we are actually dealing with a form of grief. Some grief is harder than others, but they all have their own consequences and challenges. It doesn't mean that you don't have reason to be depressed, scared, mad or whatever emotion you may be dealing with. It just means that what you are going through is a difficult time in YOUR life. It doesn't matter if compared to my situation your issue seems less. Remember that you have all the right in the world to grieve and to fight your own battle. Allow yourself the time. Allow God to work at building your wall and even though it may be a slow boring process, hang tight and have faith that at some point all these hardships will make sense.

Much love and God bless!
~Tay

Together We Can Make It Through It

 

There are moments in our lives that we come across people at random points throughout the day who have the ability to help change our lives in even the smallest way. Last night I had a very interesting meeting with a kid at The Living Room coffee shop near SDSU. I was introduced to this coffee shop while attending SDCC and it became a place that I could go when I needed to get something done. For some reason being surrounded by others who are working hard and staying focused helps force you to concentrate on the task at hand. As the rain came pouring down, I decided that I would spend some time at the coffee shop seeing how I had not been there in a very long time. I knew that I had some things that I needed to get done, these things were necessary in helping figure out the future path I plan to choose. I had spent a lovely day alone and I felt that placing myself in a setting that forced me to get stuff done would be the best idea.

As I sat at a table by myself a young kid walked up to me and started asking me questions about my T-shirt. I was wearing an SDCC Soccer shirt, which has the competitors creed from Fellowship of Christian Athletes on the back. It says; "my sweat is an offering to my Master, my soreness is a sacrifice to my Savior". He was so stoked to read the back of my shirt and asked if he could take a picture of what it said. He told me how he loves when shirts have such meaningful quotes on them. He went and got his phone and took a picture of the back of my shirt. As he said thank you he got a glimpse of my tattoo and was again interested in the meaning. I found it to be somewhat funny because he attempted to read what it said obviously some of it is in Latin. He was struggling to pronounce it correctly, I of course helped him and also explained what it meant. Romans 8:28 was also an important verse to him so he began talking to me about my walk with God and wanted to know if I was a fellow believer. I gave him a short explanation as to how I accepted the Lord and once I finished he started to tell me his testimony.

This boy was 19 years old and had spent his life in the foster care system until he was 18 and could legally emancipate himself. His mother was killed and his family was unable to take care of him. It was at that point that he was placed in foster care, and spent the majority of his life. He then began to tell me that as time went on the Lord opened his heart up and showed him what it means to follow God wholeheartedly. It was amazing how passionate he was. He talked a lot about storms and explained to me how the storms in his life never seem to calm down but that he continues to be shown new things. Although he has lived a difficult life he has fully accepted the struggles. This young man already understands that each trial he goes through has a purpose and some of the times it may not be his personal trial but rather someone he is close to. He told me that he has been taught how to stick by peoples side and withstand their trials with them.


The minute he walked up I was a little taken back by the fact that he was starring at the back of my shirt and then asked for a picture. The girl next to me looked at me and just smiled, probably thinking this kid is a little weird. I am not going to lie, I was thinking the same thing. But in the end I am glad that he stopped and talked to me. I am glad that he shared a little about his life and the struggles he has had to go through. It showed me once again that I am not alone. Each and every person goes through their own trials and we all handle them differently. Some people can get through things quickly with a small amount of their life affected, while other people struggle for weeks, months, or even years. There is no exact time frame for when a person should heal from something traumatic. I have some friends that have been through some pretty difficult situations and although time has passed by I know the hurt still exists. I also know that internally there are still things that each of them are holding on to, afraid to share because they feel as if they are not allowed to feel that way.

Trials hit our lives like a giant wave in the middle of a big storm. No matter how much you prepare you can't completely control each situation that happens. I think if we could each remember that then we would have a little more compassion for people struggling. I know that I am the same way. I forget that people hurt for different lengths of time both mentally and physically. I tend to forget that although life has continued the pain is still there. Nothing takes that pain away, not even time. Time may teach you how to move on and continue living but it doesn't take it completely away. Each of us is forced to start over and attempt to pick up where we left off. Sometimes it's a physical healing process where we are unable to participate in the activities we are used to doing. Other times it's a loss of someone special in our lives and we feel as if we can't go on without them. These things happen for different reasons and we may never truly understand those reasons. Difficult events usually force us to stop, slow down, and look around at what is taking place. They allow us time to breathe and to pay attention to what is important. Some of the things that happen force us to be thankful for the life we have been given and to prove that no matter what we are blessed in so many ways.

One thing is for sure I am thankful for a lot of things that have happened since my dad has passed away. My eyes have been opened to so many new things and I was forced to slow down focusing on what was truly important to me. I saw things from people that I never would have taken the time to see. I began to understand emotions of people close to me who had been through something similar. I have seen peoples lives being changed in a positive way and have had a positive effect on a lot of different people. I am using my loss to benefit others and will continue to do my part in helping save lives of those who are suffering from different types of diseases. So...yes there are so many negatives but I think all of you are somewhat aware of what I have lost and the daily struggles I have been forced to deal with. If you don't know I have lost a lot, and my life has been changed forever but that doesn't mean that my life has to end. I still have so much to do and so many years ahead of me to make a difference in at least one life.

Long ago I wrote that my ultimate goal in life was to give someone hope when they felt like they had none, to let them know that no matter what the trial was they would make it through and I would be there every step of the way, anyway I could. Things took a turn and I ended up being the one that needed and still needs hope to move forward. Our lives don't have to be perfect to provide people with the love and support they may need to keep walking. We tend to forget the impact of a simple hello or a smile, which can completely turn someones day around for the better. I don't even know the kid's name that talked to me last night but I know that he understands a little of what I am feeling. I also know that at least one person is praying for me. Remember what is important to you. Take a second to tell someone what they mean to you or to simply let them know you care. Give someone a hug or say hello to someone you don't know. You have the power to change so many lives, we all have the power to change a life and this should be our goal.

God Bless,
Tay Tay

A Missing Piece

For the most part I was having a pretty good week and did my best to really stay positive. As I left work tonight I got really excited for all the fun things I have planned for this weekend. There are a lot of different coming down to San Diego who will be visiting at different points, which is exciting. A lot of them I haven't had the chance to see very much, so it will be nice to spend some time with each of them.

As I got back to where I am staying a huge wave of grief hit me. I received a picture of a candle that had been lit for my dad at the University of Notre Dame, which brought me to tears. They have an area at the school where they allow you to light candles for loved ones. Being able to not only visit ND but to also have the opportunity to light a candle for my dad is a dream of mine. Notre Dame is so much apart of him that I feel like I need to spend some time on the campus he was in love with.

Tomorrow is the start of another season...a season without my dad. Watching Notre Dame football had become something we did together constantly. Being around family friends and sharing our passion for ND was also something done often. My dad had Notre Dame in his blood and was such a huge fan. Win or lose he stuck beside his team and would withstand even some of the worst games in history. He was a true fan and a true alum.

As a child my dad immediately instilled in me his passion for Notre Dame football. I remember watching the movie Rudy multiple times and having him tell me what an amazing story it was. He would get so enthusiastic when he talked about his memories from school and the games he was able to go to. He truly loved everything about Notre Dame.

Yes I know, it's just the start of another season. Another season where Notre Dame fans struggle to support their team through games, only hoping they are better then previous years. But for my dads friends and family, and of course myself, this season won't be quite the same. A huge piece of what is the true passion behind watching Notre Dame football won't be there. The phone calls, texts, screaming at the tv, and the cheers when they win won't be what it used to be. Without my dad here Notre Dame football just won't be the same, and Saturdays will be anything but normal.

I want to be able to watch the games, I really do, but I just don't know if I am prepared to handle that yet. I know it seems like something so minimal but in my family it's such a huge part of our year. We were prepared months before the season. It was honestly as if the season never ended. I don't think I can handle it without my dad here. All I want is to be able to walk downstairs and see him sitting on the couch listening to "Here Comes The Irish", as he did every single game. I want to wake up to that song being so loud that I am mad that it woke me up from deep sleep. These traditions are ones that seem impossible without him.

I miss my dad so incredibly much and as I try to move forward with my life I am constantly filled with so much doubt and fear. I don't feel like I can go on without him. It's nights like tonight where all I can do is hope tomorrow is better but then I think how can it be without my best friend. I just don't know if I can get through this. I need my dad by my side, I feel so alone.

Until we meet again,
Tay

Identity Crisis

For the majority of my life I found my identity through playing soccer. When I was asked who I was, what I liked to do, or what I wanted to do, my answer always consisted of something related to the game of soccer. At one point it was wanting to be recruited and play in college but once that came true I felt like my life had began to revolve around the game. It took a couple serious injuries for me to take a step back and realize that soccer wasn't who I was, it just happened to be something I loved to do and was blessed with the ability to play. However, I never really realized how quickly it could be taken from me. Soccer was a game that challenged me to be better and forced me to learn how to fight through so many different obstacles. I learned a lot throughout the years but I truly believe that the most important thing I was taught was that soccer isn't who I am, nor is it who I will ever be.


As you read this post you may be confused as to why I began this post in the way I did. As I continue to write I hope you have a better understanding of my current thought process. Recently, I have found a want/need to run. Running hasn't been something I have been able to do for a few years, and the times I was able to, I was running in pain. I never understood how people were born to run, that question actually still lingers in the back of my mind. The past few years I saw running as a way to train for soccer, but when it came to running for distance, I absolutely hated it. I found it to be boring. My dad was much different then me, he loved to run. He found running to be relaxing and peaceful. He was the type of person that couldn't listen to music as he ran because he felt that it interrupted the peacefulness of the road. Running was his way of releasing emotion and giving his mind a break. I had these talks with him multiple times and each time I attempted to "run at peace", I would of course over think the entire time. Allowing my mind the rest it needs isn't something I am very good at. For me the minute I stepped on the soccer field, nothing else mattered. It wasn't important what had happened throughout my day because at that point there was a task at hand. Unfortunately that game would be taken from me a number of times, and then before I was ready it would end without me realizing what I had lost. It was at this point that soccer was nothing in my life, other than a piece of history.

Lately, I have started the process of searching for a new identity. I realized that after soccer ended, school ended, and the friends I had become so close with moved back home to continue their lives. As I watched my life dramatically change within months, I was incredibly lost. It was at that point that I started making my family more of a priority. I understood the importance of spending time with the people I cared about. I don't know if I was necessarily finding my identity through them but I was definitely in a place of contentment. Once again my world would be shaken to a completely different level.

As the days and months continue, I realize more and more how important my dad was in my life. He was apart of every single thing that took place in my day and the things he wasn't apart of, he made sure he found a way to be. I have had a lot of very tough moments the past few weeks because without him, my life is so incredibly different. It's not a bad thing that my life is continuing to move forward but I haven't been able to accept that it's going to be like that. Not only is it going to be like that right now but it will be like that forever. Knowing that to be the case, I have been trying to find new things that I can do to bring me closer to my dad. This weekend I felt like I had finally noticed a little bit of peace. As I road my bike down the coast, I felt my dad with me. Then, as I ran for the first time outside, like my dad loved to do, I once again felt him with me. Hopefully those are just two ways that I feel closer to my dad, because one of the hardest things in the grief process is finding stuff that allows you to feel close to the one who is gone.

Unfortunately, as time continues I have to remember that I can't find my identity through exercise or other people, because at any point those things could be taken from me. Although my dad is no longer here, I have to push myself to be better, just as he would be doing. He always told me that I would do something great and that I would touch others lives in some way. He forced me to strive to be better and never wanted me to settle. It's been tough to keep pushing forward and I have noticed that the things I feel I am supposed to do, I run away from. I am afraid to take steps forward because he isn't here. I have had a hard time admitting my fear but it's important for me to be honest with what I am feeling. The truth is I am afraid to allow my life to keep moving forward. I don't want to move forward without him. I want him to be here with me and to be apart of all the good that takes place in my life. I think this is a big step for me to work through and I think that I need to make a big step forward. I need to take a risk. I have some options and even if I am not ready to take a big step, there are a few areas of interest that would only help me down the road. I know if my dad was here I would have already taken those steps. He wouldn't be letting me go back and forth like I have been.

I wish I could stop thinking, and I wish I had the strength to continue living the life that seemed so perfect at the time. I had a plan, I had a goal, I saw my future, and then within seconds it was gone, he was gone. What is it going to take for me to continue moving forward? How do I attempt to pick up and continue living the life that he would have wanted for me? Will my life ever be somewhat normal again? I don't want to live a life of contentment. I want to be great at whatever it is that I do. I want to start learning about things that interest me and become a better person. If I want all these things I need to make a move...I am sorry dad, I know this isn't what you want from me.

God Bless,
Tay

Give and Get Fit - Thank you...but now it's time to join us in our walks!

About two months ago I decided that I wanted to figure out a way to raise money for the Heart Walk, which will be taking place in September. I started to brainstorm different ideas and knew that creating an event that took place at Rehab United would be the most beneficial. There are so many positives to working at Rehab United, but one huge plus is the amount of support that each of us has for one another. My coworkers are my family and there is no denying that, but I also have a huge support group in a lot of the patients that come in regularly. I wanted to focus my time on preparing an event that would be special in so many ways. I pitched the idea to Kristen who has created a team to walk in the Relay for Life this coming weekend in honor of her cousin Katie who has been battling cancer. After an extremely extensive surgery Katie was diagnosed cancer free, which just proves how important it is to raise money for these events.

Sooo...Wednesday night Give and Get Fit took place at Rehab United Kearny Mesa. The number of people that attended is unknown but the turn out was absolutely amazing. We did not have a lot of time to put the event together but we did our best to make it a special night for all who were involved. Kristen and I created poster boards for our two events that consisted of stories of people who have been affected by the two diseases and we allowed people to sign the board. The boards are still up in our clinic and our goal is to have the boards filled up as much as possible. It was incredible to see the support from all who attended. I knew that I had a lot of support behind me but I didn't realize it was that much. It was such a special night.

It's pretty amazing to me that while on the journey through grief you attempt to prepare yourself for days that seem harder than others, but you never really know how it is going to be. The event was something I knew would be a little difficult because it was the first time that I did something in memory of my dad. I kept feeling like I was having to prepare for the service again with all the planning that took place. Writing bio's, choosing food, calling sponsors and donors, and also rushing to get things done was exactly what I went through when planning the service and reception. The only difference this time was that I felt much more aware of the things going on around me. It all felt much more real then it did a week after I lost my dad.

Although I thought that once the event was over life would go back to normal, I was wrong. This past week was undoubtedly one of the hardest weeks I have been through since I lost my dad. I started to feel extremely anxious at the beginning of the week and it only got worse as the week went on. My body went into a complete spasm and I was in a ton of pain. Once the event was over it hit me even more. At that point I was battling a very similar feeling that I felt once the service was over. Thursday I realized that I felt like something was missing. All the time I had been spending trying to plan for the event, meeting with people, and having help all around me was again no longer there. All the emotion behind the event was finished and people were again moving on with their lives as I was still trying to figure out what I was feeling. There were so many different emotions that I didn't know how to deal with all of them. I was extremely happy and moved by the amazing turnout and the support that was shown. I was so gracious for the 1,500 dollars that was raised by having the event. I was also very sad because I missed my dad and knew that he would have loved to be apart of something like this event. And with all that I was also a little angry at a couple things that happened along the way. This may have been the first time that I was forced to deal with so many emotions at one time.

Friday would be the day that I no longer could hold back everything I was trying to hide. I was unable to truly function at work, which was new for me. I could not stop what I was feeling and could not stop the tears that were flowing. All the emotions that were pent up inside of me had made their was out and being that way was embarrassing. It was a panic attack that was out of my control. I wasn't used to losing that much control over my emotions. I wasn't used to not having words to explain what was going on. Luckily the people around me were just there for me. They didn't force me to talk, they just consoled me. The past week, my work family has been so amazing. They have been there every step of the way and never left my side. They gave up time in their days to be there for me and to talk to me. I needed support and the support was there. It wasn't easy walking away from work that day knowing that people now knew how bad I was hurting and how I was struggling. I no longer could hide behind the fake "I am okay".

This weekend my emotions were still a little up and down but they were much better then they had been. I still lost it here and there and at times felt like someone was ripping at my chest but all of this is part of grief. It's not always going to be easy. Grief isn't something that you can wish away, its a part of life and each part of grief has to take place. A few days ago I may not have been able to admit that what I went through needed to happen but as I look back I know it needed to. I think at times I expect to be further along then I am, but I need to keep remembering that it hasn't even been a year yet. Everything I go through is new and challenging. I am living a life without my dad, without a huge part of my life and I am also dealing with a lot of other changes as well. My entire life is different and sadly that is not an exaggeration. I am having to learn how to live differently and rely on different types of people. The love from my dad that was such a huge piece of my day is no longer there. The one person who was always so interested in every part of my life is gone and finding a way to accept that is not always easy. Some days I am okay and I know he is with me but other days I am alone and feel such a huge hole.

Tonight I decided to take a drive down the street and walked/ attempted to run the course that my dad would run multiple times a week. My body wasn't allowing me to actually run as much as I wanted but just being there for the first time since he passed away was an amazing feeling. I have been thinking about going down there to run for a while but it wasn't easy to get myself to go. After the week I had I decided that I needed something to bring me closer to my dad. It was a relaxing time for me, and I found myself talking to my dad as took the course he once loved to run.

I am unsure what the week will hold but I am willing to accept it as it comes. Hopefully the panic attacks will no longer be an issue but if they are I need to allow them to happen. Bottling up emotions is only going to make things worse on me. I am ready to move on but can still look back and smile at how amazing the event was. I am so thankful for the people I have in my life and the support the past eight months. I can honestly say that I would not be where I am today without all of you. The fact that a group of people were able to come together and raise 1500 dollars to split between cancer and heart disease is absolutely incredible. It just shows that no matter what bad is going on in the world, there is so much good that is also taking place. I feel blessed to have the friends and family that I have. I am blessed that I work in a place where people care so much and are constantly wanting to help. I am thankful that with the support of all of you I was able to make it through my first event in memory of my dad. It would have never been what it was without every single person involved.

Now I have one more thing to ask...it's one thing to give money and show support but it is another to actually act on that support. This coming weekend is the relay for life, which will take place downtown at the Embarcadero starting at 9am. Please join Kristen and her team as they walk for 24 hours in hopes to find a cure for cancer. It's 24 hours or even any time you can out of your day to support something amazing. And den...on September 17th 2011 in Balboa Park my team will be walking in the Heart Walk. If it's possible I will be running the 5k in honor of my dad! :) But please join our teams and act on the support you have already shown! Links are below!

Relay for Life:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11CA?px=16598599&pg=personal&fr_id=31886

Heart Walk:
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sandiegoca/walkersinmemoryofjoeaglio

Thank you and God Bless!
Tay