Difficult Lesson

Today I was quickly reminded that although I have made huge leaps in my journey through grief there are still going to be days that are difficult to bear. This week has been a rough one for me. It could be the exhaustion of everything I have been doing for the past few months or even the down time I have had. Some of you may wonder why down time would cause this reaction but for at least the past four months I have been on a constant go. My life has consisted of one fundraiser after another followed by events and event planning. Since my grandma passed away I have had very little time to relax and think about what has taken place in my life. I seem to function better when I don't have time to contemplate my life. Being busy and living a life of service is when I am at my best. You can hear the excitement in my voice and exhaustion tends to be on the back burner. Somehow, for the most part, I am able to find an indomitable will to fight through whatever is thrown my way. As my life slows down I am quickly reminded of the pain in my heart of those I have lost. I am reminded of the memories that I wish I could return to, as well as the emptiness that fills specific pieces of my day. I tend to do my best to be as strong as I possibly can but with that comes moments where weakness wins. It's at those moments that strength seems impossible to find and I see myself as the person I hate to be. I become extremely vulnerable and afraid to let people in to that part of my life. Unfortunately, today was one of those days that I was unable to hide what I was feeling.

About two months ago I injured my shoulder exercising. Since then I have been doing physical therapy to attempt to regain what I continue to lose. It's been a rough road for me because with shoulder pain has come extreme headaches and the inability to do a lot of things I love to do. My daily life consists of a job that forces me to constantly be using my arms so not using my right arm has been near impossible. The craziness of my life hasn't allowed me the ability to relax and heal. Some days have been much worse than others. There have been days where every single thing I do is incredibly painful but I just can't shut myself down completely. I have been forced to quit playing soccer and have been unable to truly workout how I love to. Not being able to workout has been very difficult because it forces me to deal with the stress of my life in ways that don't work as well. I am the type of person that needs to release what I am feeling because holding on to those emotions only build up to the point where I can no longer handle what I'm bottling up inside. I have been lucky because with the business of my life I have been able to handle my emotions and release them in different ways. Being able to help others allows me to keep moving forward. It defines me as a person and I feel as if I have a purpose that is so much greater than all else.

However, today was a follow up appointment for my shoulder. It was an appointment meant for making a decision on what to do with my shoulder. Tests that have been done have been inconclusive and the doctor is unsure what path to take. I was told today that it's my decision what I want to do. My choices are more tests or having it scoped where he will do an noninvasive surgery to determine what is causing me so much pain. Of course the decision is difficult because in reality nothing could be wrong and nobody wants to have or do a surgery without knowing if something is truly needing repair. The issue is that even with more tests its unsure what will be seen and at the end of the day I will still question what is causing me constant pain. I was left with the decision to make with those I trust including those at work who have been there every step. As he finished talking to me I could immediately feel the emotions rising. For some reason I felt lost and unable to decide what would be best. Suddenly I felt left with a decision I wasn't prepared to make on my own. Decisions like this one had always been made with one person by my side, my dad. Suddenly, my eyes were filled with painful and lonely tears. I haven't felt alone in a long time but today it hit, and it hit hard. I could not stop crying.

All of this took place this morning. Although my week was difficult I woke up in a good mood. I was able to get some sleep last night and I was looking forward to being at work all day. I was in a mood of wanting to learn. I taught my class this morning as I usually do on Fridays and then left to go to my doctors appointment. Returning to work after my appointment I was a much different person. I thought I would be able to control my emotions after releasing some of them but upon entering the clinic and having to answer questions those lonely unsure feelings returned. You would think that someone who has been through nine surgeries wouldn't be afraid of another one but the truth is I am. The reason I am so afraid is because the one person that has always stood by my side through every one of those is no longer by my side. The person who has given me guidance and put my health in the forefront is no longer here to provide me with the advice I need at this moment in time. Everything in me at that moment wanted to pick up my phone and call my dad. I wanted him to tell me that no matter what I decided that I would be just fine because he would be there every step of the away. Feeling alone with no family support was too much for me to take at the time. Hiding what I was feeling was impossible. Some of those people who witnessed what I was going through were people who have never seen me in that state. They witnessed the weakness that I hate sharing with people. The side of me that I am ashamed of. I felt in a panic, which I haven't actually felt in a very long time. To not be in control of what was happening scared me and sitting here right now it's difficult to even talk about it.

The truth is as much as I want grief to not be apart of my life there really is no escaping it. It's not who I am by any means but it is apart of my life. The cloud of grief that hangs over my head will always exist because nothing can bring back my dad and the role he played in my life. Moments in my life where he should be there will feel empty because something will always be missing. The thing that will be missing is his presence at that time. Losing someone really doesn't go away with time. Nope, it sure doesn't. But...what does happen is you learn how to continue walking forward with your life. You learn to deal with each difficult situation. The moment you make it through one you are then forced to make it through another. Each day is another day without your loved one and waking up without them is only part of the battle. Throughout the day you are forced to make the best of each situation that presents itself. You are asked to give back in their memory and to live life with a purpose. It's your job to live a life that has meaning, a life that they would be proud of you for. I do my best each day to make my dad proud. To be honest, each day I wake up with a goal to make my dad smile. I want to make him proud of me. Every single day I want him to look down on me with a tear in his eye because he can see that I am living the life he would want of me. A life that's purpose is to change others lives, and to constantly affect people positively.

I am not perfect, actually I am far from it. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and have done things that I am not proud of. Facts are, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. The ultimate question is how will you grow from those mistakes you have made? How will you take a tragic event that has occurred in your life and make it positive? It's days like today where I look in the mirror and feel very disappointed in how I walked. It's as if today was a waste and the idea of living each day as it were my last means nothing. If today would have been my last, the impression people had of me would not be what I would want them to remember. Yes, in the eyes of most people days like today are "allowed". These are considered days you go through when you lose someone you love or in my case lose two people I love deeply. I hate using that as an excuse. I hate when I hear that it's okay for me to have hard days. I want people to push me to be the best that I can. I don't want to be allowed days like this. Nothing, and I mean nothing can bring back my dad. At what point do I fully accept that and no longer wish I could change it? At what point do I start living my life for me and move on from what has taken place? Of course it's not fair I can admit that, but most things in life aren't. It doesn't mean that you allow the unfairness of life to be your driving force. If you allow that to dictate your life you are going to have a rough path.

Do your best to never view life as being unfair. Every single person is challenged daily, some more than others, but those who are challenged more frequently is due to what they will do with those challenges. God knows what you can handle, believe it or not He really will only give you what you can handle. If you feel like your life has been one difficult trial after another it's probably because the challenges you have faced have been a driving force in your ability to change the world. All of us have more power then we are ever willing to give ourselves credit for. Some of us have been instilled with a heart to help from the time we were born. From the moment you entered this world the gift of being born allowed immediate changes to occur on this world. As a baby you were born with a specific purpose and with that comes the power to alter the earth in some way or another. If you haven't figured out your purpose keep striving to be the best you can be. If in your heart you know exactly what you are meant to do don't ever stop until you reach that point.

Today was a realization that although I wish my journey with grief was finished I must accept that it never will be. I will have many more challenges where I am faced to fight through the loneliness that comes with being without a father and for me a best friend. I must accept that the tears will flow and that those tears will be shown to the world. All I can do is allow people to be there and allow them to witness that side of me. Hiding what is inside is unfair to those people who truly care and want to be there for me. I have so many people in my life that care about me. I am lucky to have the support that I do because without most of them I would have nothing. Losing a father who was always there and then a grandma that I could tell anything to has left gaping holes in my communication line but there are people who want to fill part of those holes. I have everything inside me to make it through these tough days and what's missing in my heart is all around me. I have been blessed with amazing friends, in which some have become family. I am me, and people love me for who I am. I am my fathers daughter and I am more like him then I ever would have admitted as a child. It is now a compliment when someone tells me that I am a lot like my father. I want to be like him. I want to have a heart like he had. More importantly I want to to have the affect that he had on the lives of those people around him. I have a lot to work up to but each day I can become one step closer to that goal.

My father is my reason for living each day as if it were my last. As corny as this may sound, he is the air that keeps me breathing. He truly makes me want to be the best person I can possibly be. I trust that the answer to what I should do about my shoulder will overwhelm my heart and I will know that he is there guiding my way. I also trust that he truly is there and that he is apart of every single thing I do, each and every day. I have so much love for my dad and my grandma. I am thankful they are together and until I am with them my goal will be to make them as proud as I possibly can. Keep smiling and striving.

With love,
Tay

A Very Good Update On My Life

It's been a year and 8 months since I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack. My dad was everything to me. He was the one who always supported me and was always there. My friends loved when he was around because he constantly made them laugh. I on the other hand was embarrassed because of the things he would do and say. It's pretty interesting how the minute someone is gone the things you miss the most are the ones that used to annoy you. At this point you no longer consider anything they did to be annoying and the situations that made you mad fade away. The specific times and events that I choose to remember are no longer the moments my dad upset me. To be honest there are only a few memories that truly stand out. 

When you lose someone close to you the world is a much different place. The trials that once seemed impossible to make it through suddenly seem possible. It's amazing but you begin to see the real meaning of life. You start to understand the importance of living each day for what it's worth rather than worrying about what tomorrow will be. You find yourself slowing down enough to really take in what is going on around you. And most importantly you start to realize who and what truly matter. The I love you's become more common and not just to say it but actually putting true meaning behind it. It's an understanding that being able to say those words to that person may never happen again. 

Grief is a word thrown around so frequently. However, it's a word that has a variety of meanings. The way I view grief will be much different then the way someone else views it. My grief is even going to be different then people in my family. It's a hard concept at the time because you feel too much pain to think any one person may be hurting more. It's difficult to see through your own suffering to be there for someone else at their time of need. Unfortunately grief tears people, families and lives apart. It's easy to get stuck in a poor me attitude and never find your way out of it. The reason it's so easy is because you have every right in the world to feel that way. Losing someone you love isn't fair and it's not right but it also happens. Each day a large number of people lose a loved one. The real question is what are you going to do about it? Are you going to never wake up from what has happened in your life and stay miserable forever? Or are you going to wake up each morning and realize that there are things so much greater?

After my dad passed away I was that person that felt lost and unable to see any light. I struggled with the question of being able to go on. Each night I wondered why I was here and couldn't understand why the one person I needed so badly in my life wasn't there for me. I started to think I would never be the same person I once was, the person who loved life and cared so deeply for others. I contemplated my future and at times my existence. I believed in my heart that my life couldn't and wouldn't ever be the same. For the first time in my life I felt hopeless and the fight in me seemed to be diminishing daily. 

I am not exactly sure when things began to change for me but over time it happened. I renewed the hope I once had and understood it would take a lot for me to make it through the death of my father. I accepted the challenge of beginning to rebuild my life and learn to live without my dad. I quickly found myself striving to be the best person I could be each day I was given. Work became much more then a job, my passion grew and I had a drive to work as hard as I could. I found myself understanding why my dad connected so well with patients and I began connecting more with the people around me. I believed in myself and knew I had something to offer. 

At that time I knew I wanted to give back to the association that gave so much. I decided to create a Heart Walk team that would raise money for AHA. A few weeks later I would join forces with Kristen and began Give'N'GetFit aimed at raising money for cancer, heart disease and stroke. Once again I found something that kept my mind off my life and forced me to work as hard as possible. It allowed me to put my passion for serving into something so much greater. I had no time to sit and cry over what I had lost. Of course some days were still difficult but the difficult days were becoming much less often. 

Give'N'GetFit has been a blessing for me. When we began our fundraising journey we never knew it would be where it is now. It has allowed me to cope with my losses and forced me to always find good in what I do each day. I believe in my heart that surrounding myself around so much positivity has helped me cope with my most recent loss, which was the death of my grandma. I am now able to see a new side to death and don't just see the negativity. Death is never going to be easy no matter who it is but behind all the darkness there is a small glimmer of light. If we use that light and allow it to shine we become capable of anything. 

This weekend as I was walking at Relay For Life, it was 2am and all I could think about was the amazing people that surrounded me. I had the chance to listen and learn about people who have had to fight some of the hardest battles anyone has had to face. I have met incredible individuals of all ages that have affected my life in more ways than one. The friendships I have built and the memories shared are everlasting. I finally feel like I know who I am. I have reached a point in this grief journey where I no longer feel lost and no longer question my purpose. My purpose is to continue fighting. Although some are no longer here, I must do what I can while I am still blessed to be on this earth. The fight they attempted to never give up on is now meant to be fought by me in their memory. 

It's amazing to see the support that's all around. People keep asking if I am glad the big events are over and my answer to that is I can't really say. Yes, of course a little break to catch up on sleep is nice but is it weird to say that I am already missing the fact that most of our fundraising for this year is finished. I find myself already thinking about how to make things better for next year. Now that I have seen the growth in just one year, it makes me smile to think of how we can continue to reach new heights. I found myself driving home from work tonight with a constant smile because of the incredible lives being touched through Give'N'GetFit. The most amazing part is the lives that have yet to be affected by one of the diseases but now have a drive to join us in the fight. 

I am excited for what's ahead. I am actually very proud of where I came from and where I am. That's not usually something I would find myself saying but I know that at some point I must give myself credit for what I have achieved since losing my father. I am thankful that my dad and grandma have been by my side helping me to never give up. I look forward to what the next few years will bring. I also look forward to changes in my life that allow me to continue growing. I will welcome those changes because ultimately my main goal is to help as many people as possible. Grief can't decide who you are but if you let it take over it becomes much more difficult to figure out who you once were. Each morning choose life. Choose to find the positives and allow yourself to view the world in its beauty. Slow down and realize there are so many amazing things all around you. Do your best to gain strength with each trial  because without suffering there would be no compassion. Last but not least never give up and don't ever stop smiling!