Disconnect

Disconnect is a word that has resonated frequently through my mind, as well as, through words directed at me from those close to me. Upon returning home I found myself excited to be surrounded by people I had not seen, some of which I had not even spoken to in some time. Moving away challenges relationships, distance challenges communication, and the term "out of sight out of mind" although its perception being incredibly negative, tends to ring more true than any one of us would like to admit. Although I thought it would be different, the inevitable happened and after being in Colorado for a few months, communication slowly dwindled with those in San Diego. Of course returning home, the place I was born and raised, the place I had built so many friendships with countless amounts of people would bring lots of excitement. However, as time passed that excitement  became far and few between. I slowly began to find myself in this place where all I wanted was to be alone. I felt a disconnect from everyone, especially those who had grown to know so much about me. I found myself looking forward to the moment I could leave work and either go home or go to the gym. Those two places became a place of freedom for me. It had never been that way. I had always wanted people around me. I felt myself slipping into this lonely world where I pushed every person out of my life and the minute I felt someone getting close to me I ran even further away. Some of you who know my story would say its the time of year, but in my heart I knew that wasn't true.

It's now January, which means I reached the four year mark of the day I lost my father, my best friend, and my biggest supporter. Although the last four years seem to have passed by quickly, in some ways its also been the slowest four years of my life. At times it also seems like the most pointless four years of my life. But, the real Taylor knows that is not the truth. You may read that and get upset, especially if you played a role in that time frame or if I met you for the first time during those four years. It is for that reason I hope you take a moment to step back and understand that those words are coming from the side of myself that is grieving not the piece of my heart that truly believes that all things happen for a reason. The darkest of days have brought light into my world and the toughest moments have made me so much stronger. The people I have met along the way have taught me an incredible amount about life. Some of those moments I may not necessarily want to relive but they happened and I am still grateful for each and every one of them. No one person should ever take offense to the things I say or do. I am learning to pick up the pieces of everything I have lost and still become the person I know my father wants me to become. It's not easy but nothing that comes easy is worth it.

I will admit that I have been disconnected from almost every person in my life good or bad. I have pushed a lot of you away, some on purpose and others by accident. But I am here to say that it is something I have needed to do. I am in a place right now where I need people to be there but to also understand that they may not get from me everything they are used to receiving. I have spent a lot of my life pouring so much into people but have reached a point where I just can't do that anymore. I have very little to give but I do my best each day to wake up with a positive attitude and provide some sort of support to every person I come in contact with.  I still care, I will always care, and if you know me you should know that times like these kill me. I find myself to be so angry. Angry that I lost my dad. Angry that certain things have happened in my life and that people have treated me how they have. Angry that I have put so much into people that will never actually understand my sole purpose of life, which is to just love people. And angry at the amount of times I have been taken advantage of.

The truth is though, as you look at the list of what I am angry about, the number one reason I am so angry is because it's hard to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am and where I am at. My emotions are stuck on all the bad that has happened to me because the real problem I need to face is starring right back at me. These are the battles I constantly go through. These are the battles I talk very little about. I have sat down probably twenty times to write and not a single word has been entered. Afraid, yes maybe. Afraid to be honest, not with all of you, but with myself. Afraid to admit that I am struggling to find happiness and to find my place in this world. I am passionate, don't get me wrong, but the drive I once had was lost the minute I find out that my dad would no longer be apart of my life.

My hope for anyone reading this is to understand where I am coming from. As much as I needed to write, I also needed those of you in my life to hear whats on my heart and to know that disconnecting myself is my way of dealing with the stuff I am going through. Losing someone close to you makes the world a very different place. Things that used to be normal no longer are. Places that used to have so much meaning become difficult to revisit. Second families become more difficult to spend time with because it just makes you miss what used to be. Seeing people with their fathers can also make me feel even more disconnected because of not having that relationship anymore. These are things no one should feel sorry for its just part of the grief process and some days are worse than others.

I am working towards figuring all these things out. I am hoping to find ways to cope with the disconnect I feel from the world. I am trying my best to not push away the good things and the good people that have recently entered my life because of fear. I am releasing the old while realizing who and what is important to me. I am taking the time to figure out what type of people I want in my life and although selfish at times, not wasting time on those who only look to me because they need me. I also know that I need to start challenging myself and taking leaps of faith to get where I know I can. I need to put certain things in my life before others and not allow anything to come in the way of those. This place I am in is far from easy. I have spent a lot of time dealing with emotions that I have bottled up and I think it's what scares me about letting anyone in.

God Bless,
Taylor

Happiness...what exactly does that mean?

A common theme in my life right now is happiness. Those around me are in search of it, speaking of it, and contemplating every aspect of their lives in order to figure out what has been keeping them from truly being happy. As they each do some serious soul searching, I too, have been thinking a lot about the term happiness. My thoughts have been surrounded around the real meaning behind a word that can honestly have so many meanings to each and every person alive on this earth. The things that make you happy may not be the same for me and vise verse. So, with that being said can we actually help one another define a word that has so many definitions? Can we impact someones life and bring them happiness? Or does our impact on someones life only occur if the other person is willing to look inside themselves and be honest with what their heart is truly feeling? Personally, this journey of understanding, acknowledging, and "searching" for happiness began almost four years ago, the moment my dad was taken from this world. However, what I have come to find is that was a tragic event in my life that brought forth an issue that surfaced long before December 23rd, 2010. I have also come to realize that it is an issue that has been present in the lives of some of my closest friends for years and years.

According to Webster happiness is defined as the state of being happy, the state of well-being and contentment, as well as a pleasurable or satisfying experience. As I read these words and re-read these words I couldn't help but notice some very important details in how this ever so present word is described. First of all it says state of being happy or state of well-being. If you really think about what those words are saying it proves that happiness will not necessarily be an every second, every minute, or even every day feeling. A "state" is defined as a way of living or existing, which means your state of being is actually how you choose to live and exist in this world. As you look at the definition again, happiness is a way of living, it's your ability to be content with the way that your life is. Happiness is a choice, your choice, not anyone in your life but your own decision to accept the outcome of each situation in your life and be willing to use it to make your way of living better rather than worse.

Reading that last paragraph may upset you because if I wasn't sitting here writing it I would probably read that and feel a little bit of anger. It's a paragraph that puts a lot of pressure on each of us as an individual and most of the time humans hate having the blame placed on themselves. However, I want you to take a moment to actually sit there and contemplate a few things...

1. First off, take a second to think about what truly makes you happy, whether it be people, places, stuff, or even entertainment.
2. Next, why do those things bring you happiness?
3. If those things did not exist, would you still be happy with yourself and your life?
4. Are there things in your life that you feel you could not live without or go on living if they were to disappear? 
5. If you answered yes to the previous question, are you thankful for those things or do you take those things for granted?
6. Do you spend your time trying to improve your own life or do you expect others to improve it for you? 
7. Lastly, when you find things that actually make you happy do you make a point to not only keep those things in your life but be grateful that you have found something that improves your life rather than making your life more difficult or more negative?

For the last three to almost four years of my life I have used the death of my father followed by the death of my grandma as an excuse to live the life I have been living. Every time I went through a difficult period of time, felt lost, searched for answers or whatever else you may want to call it, it ultimately would come back to the fact that I lost my father. Not only was this my inner feeling but outwardly it was every ones reaction or response. It was engraved in my head that I had reason to do all the things I was choosing to do because "I lost my father". The issue I have found with that is living my life in that way is absolutely no help to my future. Believing that is the source of my "unhappiness" isn't going to bring my father back. I have never expected people to feel sorry for me because in my heart I know and believe that every single one of us goes through life dealing with our own battles. Yes, some may seem more difficult than other's but the fact is comparing trials is a waste of precious time. Looking at others lives in jealousy is a waste of what God has placed you on this earth to fulfill because all those things that you may have listed above could be taken from you in the blink of an eye. Whether it be people, places, things or whatever else it may look like to you, those things could be ripped from you before you even know it and then what...? I will tell you what happens, you are left there alone trying to search for answers as to why you suddenly feel lost in a world that continues moving at a quick pace around you. It no longer matters who is around you. Those around you can't fix the way that you feel or choose to act. Those people can't replace what is missing in your heart. 

To answer one of the first questions I asked, people CAN NOT make you happy. People CAN influence your state of being by making experiences you have with them pleasurable or exciting. People CAN make your world a better place by loving you and joining in on the journey or path you have been chosen to walk, but people, things, or places CAN NOT be your only source of happiness. Happiness starts with your ability to wake up each morning in a different state of mind. It's your ability to look over all the negatives in your life and enjoy whatever positives may exist even if the only positive is the fact that you are still alive and breathing. People all across the world are fighting for their lives day in and day out. Don't you think that they wish that they could wake up without pain, with the ability to live a "normal" life and free of whatever burden is holding them back from being considered "normal" in a world that is far from it? Every one of us does it. At some time or another each and every one of us has woke up with the mind set of "poor me". The truth is the "poor me" attitude won't make anything better and the more you suffocate your life around that statement the worse off you are going to be. We all have it hard. This world is far from easy to live in and ultimately the state of being happy is something that is missing from so many lives. However, if the kid in a wheel chair, the man gasping for every breathe he can, the person battling a horrendous disease, or the every day American struggling to eat and live, can still find it in them to love and appreciate all aspects or even most aspects of their life, what is stopping you?

I am not perfect and I never once will claim to be. To be honest nothing is ever perfect. I have made a lot of terrible decisions and I have ran to some of the worse things I possibly could. I have treated people poorly and I have woke up for days, weeks, and even months hoping that people would feel sorry for my situation, that people would understand why my life at times has collapsed right before my eyes, and would also excuse the fact that I am still a very lost individual even after almost four years of time passing. The truth is not one of you should feel sorry for the way my life is because my life is my life and no matter how many trials I am forced to go through, each and every one of them has a purpose. The same goes for each of you. The struggles you have been through, the inner battle you deal with, the daily struggle of searching for what makes you happy has made you who you are. If your life had been any different, you would be different, and you may have missed out on certain events and people that have entered your life. Be grateful for the things that are currently in your life. Be grateful for the people in your life because they are in your life for a reason. You may not understand their purpose just yet, but they have purpose. Allow them to be apart of your journey. Allow them to walk beside you and help guide your steps. Don't expect them to make every day perfect but expect them to be there in those moments you really need a friend. That is what true friendship is all about. Every single aspect of your life has purpose but it starts with you being able to see those things and acknowledge the good rather than focusing on the bad. The longer you spend re-living the past whether it be how you treated people, how people treated you, decisions you made, bad choices or any other negative you can think of will ultimately only keep you further from being content with your current life and the possibilities of what your future could entail. 

Take some time to think about your life. Think about the things you are grateful for. If it's people in your life, tell them you are grateful for what they bring to your life because tomorrow they could be gone. Acknowledge the positives in your life. Acknowledge how far you have come from certain situations in your life that brought so much darkness, those situations that you could never see yourself making it through but you have. No matter where you started you have made gains in a positive direction but you can't allow yourself to fall back into how things used to be. The way things used to be is in the past and those things are keeping you from seeing what is right in front of you or even what is to come. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for all the positives and negatives because they have made me the person I am today. I am thankful that I am still alive and able to write or do all the other things that I love to do. I am thankful for all the relationships in my life currently and in the past because they have taught me so much about myself, what I deserve, and what I want. I am thankful for you and that you have taken the time to read my blog. Be grateful. Appreciate your life, all aspects, good or bad. And always remember that giving up is the easy way out and doesn't make any ones life any easier.

God Bless,

Taylor 

Home...

What exactly makes a place home? How do we put a label on an area that is considered "home" with the idea that our place of choosing will always be known as that to each of us? Is home where we spent most of our lives, where we created the most memories, or the place where we went through the most struggles? Does it usually remind you of more good memories than bad or is a mixture of both? My final question on this topic is how do you describe your home, how do you label it, where is home to you and how has home changed you to be the person you are today?

These questions have been running through my mind since I made the decision two months ago to move back to San Diego. For years if you would have asked me what my home was I would have said San Diego and then tried to explain that I grew up in Ramona, which most people have no clue where Ramona is even located. Ramona is where I was raised, it's where I went to school, graduated high school and made a name for myself through Varsity Soccer. Ramona is where my dad practiced Chiropractic for almost twenty years. Most people knew the name Joe Aglio, so you could say my family name had some pretty strong importance to the town. Ramona was a place growing up where everyone pretty much knew everyone. You could say someones name and in some way or another you knew of that person or you knew people they were affiliated with. My group of girls that I grew up with at different stages of my life are still a huge part of my life today and some of them have become even better friends in the recent years and even months. There is something about this town that is easy to come back to...it's very welcoming, but it's also funny to see that things really don't change. Driving through town the other day proved to me that things really did not look much different than before I left. The building of Ramona Chiropractic still has the same sign with my dads name on it even though the office has been closed for over two years now. A few new buildings have been built and a few restaurants have changed but besides that Ramona is still the same Ramona I have always known.

My arrival to San Diego brought a lot of different emotions. Some of them were happy thoughts about the people I would get to see that I had not seen in almost two years, some were anxious feelings of being back in the place that reminded me so much of my past and some of my feelings were sad because of what I left in Colorado. Even with all of those different emotions it felt good to be back and it felt even better to be able to give my mom a hug for the first time since the day I said goodbye. It was immediately clear to me that my time in San Diego was going to be very important in order to move on with my life and be content with making a future for myself wherever that may be. It proved to me that you can have more places than just one that you consider home. San Diego will always be home to me that will never change because San Diego is where my life was rooted and it's the place that has made me the person I am in a lot of ways. However, I view Colorado as home because Colorado was MY home. It wasn't the home or lifestyle that I was forced to live. It wasn't a place that I had to be what my parents wanted me to be or what everyone else wanted me to be. I was able to create my own self without having this persona that I felt like I had to stick to. I found myself in Colorado, not to say that I fully know who I am or what I want but I did find myself. Looking back on my time there I really did go through a lot but again it has shaped me into the person I am right now. The important thing that I need to remind myself is that it did not change who Taylor is. The Taylor that everyone knew in San Diego before I left is still the same person I am but now I am just more comfortable with who that person is.

It's pretty interesting to me that upon arriving to San Diego things just seemed to fall together pretty quickly. All the stress I had in my head about all these different things was put to ease right away. Talking to people, the first thing they say is "you have been home for one week how have you already figured out what your "plan" is for the coming months?", but sometimes thats how life works. We stress so much about all these different things and when we finally release it things fall together. The amount of time that I have had lately to think and just be is insane. I have never felt so much freedom and have never wanted to be alone so much. I have spent countless hours surrounded by the beautiful outdoors that San Diego is so well known for. I find myself visiting places that I have never actually been before. There are moments I get extremely antsy wanting to work and be busy but I have reminded myself time and time again that this is exactly what I need right now. In fact, this is what I have needed for years. I have needed time for myself, time to breathe in what's around me, to take in and open my eyes to the beauty that is all around me. I needed to slow down and pay attention to the little things because those little things have proved to be incredibly important to the big picture. I have had the chance to spend some quality time with people talking about life, love and ultimately the pursuit of happiness. I may not be someone that enjoys free time but I can fully admit that me not starting work immediately has been one of the biggest blessings. It has taught me how important our time is and it has also shown me what I have been doing to myself for the past four to six years of my life. Never giving myself a break, constantly striving to be something more but never allowing my mind or body to rest, and pushing myself past the limits that I was capable of handling, which, has only caused me exhaustion, heartache, and unhappiness.

I have reached a point in my life that I am ready to focus on me. I am ready to get rid of the negativity in my life and work on being that happy girl that is always smiling. The girl I used to be before I unfortunately watched my life come crashing down before my eyes. I can finally sit here and admit to you that losing my father was probably the hardest thing I will ever have to go through in my life and it has altered my life more than I ever was willing to admit or thought it would. It put a mask on the person I was and I watched myself go down a spiraling path of destruction. I ran to the completely wrong things and really had no true care about reaching any goal I once had for myself. With all that being said, I remember a conversation I had with one of my best friends once I moved to Colorado where she told me that the next year would be different for me. She told me "you are going to let loose in Colorado and probably do some things that you look back on and say what was I thinking but it's what you need to do and it's what is going to allow you to move forward with your life". She was exactly right. My life had been so structured and so serious especially after losing my dad that I needed to escape everything I once knew and live a life that I was completely unfamiliar with in order to release everything I was thinking and feeling. Now that those moments have passed I can finally say that I am thankful for the free and less serious or structured lifestyle that I had been living, but I am excited for the change that is ahead. I thank each of you for being apart of this journey and I thank you for all the love and support you have shown. Hopefully you are as excited for what is ahead as I am! :)

God Bless,
Taylor

A Year In Review

 View from the Starbucks in Downtown Denver

Any of you that generally follow my blog know that it usually takes something dramatic occurring in my life to get me to the point where I feel the need to write. This time is no different. However I have been contemplating writing for a while now and although it hasn't taken place, I truly believe there is no better time than now. I finished my day of work at 10 am this morning and having all obligations completed so early in the day allows me the ability to plan activities that bring me some sort of peace. Something that clears my mind and relaxes the stress that life tends to cause. Most days I would have no hesitation in choosing the gym over every other option but today was different. Today, my heart is in a unique place of needing to write not only for myself but for each of you who have been there day in and day out since this journey began, as well as, those of you who have come along and been my rock and support in this new and unfamiliar place that I currently call home. Next week marks one year. One year since I packed "some" of my stuff, my mom reminds me often how much is still in the house, and moved to Colorado to embark on a new journey. It started off as a journey to figure out my career but in reality it has turned out to be a journey of finding myself. A journey that has not only left me questioning my future but also my existence. I have found myself in a very interesting place, a place where I have never cried so much and have never been forced to actually deal with a multitude of things that I have ran away from for a very long time. Yes, you read that correctly. The one thing I always told myself that I never wanted and I have come to find out that is all I have done. Most of you are probably thinking "well she really didn't run away like most people would", and you are right about that. Interestingly enough I have been running from these issues since even before I lost my dad. The "issues" that are coming to surface are thoughts, emotions, and insecurities that I have been attempting to mask for most of my life.

In the past four days the flashback on my life has been severe. The flashback of the day I lost my dad became even more real than it ever had. It was in those moments that I realized just like every other thing in my life I have been running away from actually accepting that my dad is no longer here. I have spent more hours crying than I have in years. I have had no appetite. As usual I have found myself living in the gym, spending anywhere from four to six hours and some days going twice. The pain in my chest has been unbearable at times. I have spent more hours alone stuck in my own head than I have in months. Without going into a lot of detail, my mental state has been really bad and it's a state that I am not proud to even sit here and talk about. I should have seen this coming though. The past five months or so have been pretty rough with a lot of different ups and downs. I have found myself questioning the person I am along with the person I want to become. I have been incredibly lost and haven't wanted to admit to anyone how bad it really was. I have found myself running to the completely wrong things knowing that the only result would be a complete life collapse. The bad thing is in those deciding moments for some reason I haven't cared enough to make the right decision. The person I have become is a person I don't even know. I have a hard time looking in the mirror and seeing myself for what I know in my heart I am worthy of. I now understand what people mean when they say they cant seem to find the ability to see their self-worth. A lot of things have become extremely real to me, things most people never want to face but even with that said I need to face them. I need to accept help and I also need to get help. I need to get my life back.

As I sit here with so much flowing through my head, it's hard to even write it all down or find the words that I want to speak. Some of this may be difficult for some of you to read because it's very possible that I am being too honest. The thing is though...I don't care. I don't care how hard this is to read because this is who I am and it's the side of me that needs to be seen. This isn't a cry out for attention or help it's putting myself on blast for anyone and everyone to read. It's forcing me to face every single thing that I am currently dealing with and not run away. As a kid I found ways of hiding everything I was dealing with. Sometimes the things I used to hide were not the best choices. Over time those options were what I went to when I felt myself falling. As I got older I ran to different things because stuff such as alcohol and drugs were readily available to me at the snap of a finger. Again, over time I have learned to run to those same things. The difference now is I tend to know what I am doing and in the past I haven't always known or maybe it was the same situation that I just didn't care in the moment. I didn't view myself as negatively as I do now. I wasn't as hard on myself as I am now. I also didn't have people around that could see what I was doing.

I can't honestly sit here and tell you that I was in a much better place before I lost my dad because I don't know if that was the case. And since losing my dad, happiness has come in small doses. I haven't truly been happy with my life, my present, or myself in a very long time. I have been hiding behind a lot of lies and most of those lies I actually began to believe. After losing my dad I put everything I had in to the people around me. Sick people, hurt people, those in need, friends, family and anyone else that came along for the ride. It's what I always did. The minute things became difficult in my life I put everything I had into those around me allowing me to hide my own issues. The problem was and still is that I never fixed myself. I never even attempted to fix my own heart and repair the damage that the death of my father caused along with the darkness my past had caused. I tried to live a normal life smiling and laughing because that was what everyone wanted from me. At the time having a smile on my face was more important to those around me, so I did my best to smile. I spent countless hours working, working out, and fundraising in hopes of escaping everything I was feeling. The truth is someone as hurt and lost as I was had no real ability to help others. Yes, it sure did make things easier but in the long run it has made things much more difficult. I am now in a different state but still dealing with similar issues that existed in San Diego. I don't want to sit here and say that I was running from actually dealing with the stuff I needed to but now that I look back on my decision and I can definitely admit that I believed moving here would give me a fresh new start. I was hoping that without the constant reminders of my dad everywhere I went that I would be able to focus on the goals I had for myself, but the one major problem is I don't really have true goals for myself. Interestingly enough with one week left before that year mark that I talked so much about these past four days have been filled with extreme realizations.

Today I find myself in the same coffee shop that I used to visit daily the first few months I moved to Colorado. Those first few months were filled with the hopes of figuring out the path I was going to take. I searched for jobs, wrote in my blog, listened to music and found peace in this very special Starbucks that is surrounded by pure beauty. However, the reasoning behind coming here today is far more important than any job search could ever be. This is about me. Nobody but me. I no longer can be that person that constantly puts myself, my emotions, and my thoughts on the back burner. I have to face what is going on. I have allowed people to manipulate me and attempt to steal any happiness I have and it's causing me to physically and mentally break down. The pain I am feeling is much more severe than any surgery or injury I have had. I have allowed people to hurt one of the most important things in the body, my heart. I have given the wrong people the ability to use my life against me. But rather than walking away I have stuck around and took a beating because I didn't want to hurt anyone no matter how bad I was hurting. I have spent most of my life doing what others wanted of me or needed of me in hopes of making their life better even just the slightest bit. I have placed some people above the rest of the world because I was scared of losing them. I have been living this way for years. I am now realizing that I have lived a life of making others happy rather than taking the time to figure out what makes me happy. Some of those same people have acted as if they cared about what made me happy but in reality when it came down to it what I truly wanted really had no meaning. I have watched people find new ways of attacking me, my life and the way I have dealt with the death of my father. It has been an experience that I never thought would occur but somehow underneath all the pain I have been able to see how it has ultimately made me a better person.

At this point in this post you may be wondering things such as; what have I learned, how have I changed, what are my next steps, and how do I get my life back. The answer to those questions are going to take time. But I can sit here and admit to all of you that I have a core group of people in Colorado and in a lot of other states who have been by my side every step of the way. These people have taken the time to remind me that no matter what anyone tries to take from me they can't change the person I am. I have been taught that true friends want you to be happy. Those friends will love you unconditionally no matter who you are, what you want or how you live your life. They will support you constantly even through the dumbest decisions you may make. They will see the pain in your eyes and be available at a moments notice. No matter how many mistakes you make they will be there picking you back up and helping you find yourself. Sometimes those people are the most unexpected people you could ever imagine. Sometimes the people you expect are nowhere to be seen. But in time you learn that just because someone has always been a piece of your life doesn't mean they always will be. People come and go but the ones who matter stick around. Those who matter will push you to be the best version of yourself even when you don't know who you are or where you should even begin searching.

Truth is the past is an uncomfortable reminder of a lot of pain and heartache especially when you are forced to face it. However, the future can be just as scary because sometimes the last thing you want to get rid of is things of the past. Stepping away from who you thought you were or what you thought you wanted is never an easy thing. Being confident in what you deserve and willing to risk whatever it takes to have those things in your life is incredibly scary. We all fear the unknown in some way or another. Not one person can sit here and say they don't. Uncertainty is nerve wrecking because in our minds all we can think about is what if things don't work out, what if I don't make the cut or don't get the job. The sad thing is we spend so much time contemplating what could be that a lot of times we tend to miss out on what is there. We stare so long at each possibility and never actually take a step forward. Being scared is not a bad thing but allowing fear to alter your life and your happiness is a completely different story. I can honestly sit here and say that currently fear has controlled my life. Fear of what people think, what they may talk about, of being hurt and most importantly of actually following my heart and allowing myself to be truly happy with the things I WANT for my life not what everyone else wants.

I am done allowing people to choose my happiness or better yet be in control of my happiness. From here on out I am going to choose to follow my own path for my life and that includes those I want in my life. It's no longer about if I am good for others lives, it's are they good for my life. Are they going to bring my life more joy and happiness. Will they be there on my worst days and do everything in their power to make my day better. Will we smile and laugh but still remember that it's not a bad thing to cry every once in a while. Will we take the bad days, work through them, and continue to grow in our relationship together. Will we open our hearts to all the possibilities that life can offer and trust that it's truly possible for people to care about every aspect of our lives. If you can answer yes to all of these then there is always a place for you in my life. This doesn't mean that I no longer care for every single person that enters my life or that they don't have some kind of meaning, it just means that those I keep close will be a much different group than I previously have chosen. The people I allow to be apart of my everything will have shown me that they care more about my heart growing rather than breaking. I will keep the deep aspects of my life a little more hidden and only allow those that really care about me to see that side. People will no longer be able to use my past against me to cause pain and heartache. This is my life, and if you prove to be worth it I will give you everything I possibly can until my final days here on earth.

Thank you to those people who have been there constantly and especially the past few days. I know it hasn't been the easiest of days but without each of you I wouldn't be sitting here realizing so much about my life. Those of you in Colorado, thank you for taking me in and for making me feel like a sense of family. And for those of you who have been there for years and years, thank you. I am thankful that in my time out here some of my friendships at home have actually grown to be much stronger than they ever have been. The people who have made it a priority to keep in touch, and those who have been my rock through a very difficult time. In the past few days the love I have seen from some of my closest friends has been unreal. Thank you for accepting me as I am and for being willing to love me through very tough situations. One final thing I am thankful for is love. Love makes this world a better place, love helps us grow and become better people,  and it's what makes life worth living. Love challenges us to be better individuals and even when love causes pain it still proves to us that we are lucky to be given the ability to be loved and love in so many different aspects.

God Bless,
Taylor

Processing Emotions

Life the past 7 months hasn't been easy and yes part of that is because I moved to a new place but it also has to do with just feeling lost. I can honestly admit I have never felt less of a purpose than I do now and with that I have lost most of my drive. That mindset is not like me at all. I honestly do my best each morning to wake up with a positive attitude and take on the day with what ever it may have to offer. I spend most of my days by myself because although I know it's not what I need it's what I want. Knowing it's what I want also shows me that it's probably the worst thing for me a this point. I workout constantly to release emotions. I could live at the gym. If I didn't have a job I probably would. I wake up feeling pain most days but I love it because it proves I'm still alive. It keeps me working towards a goal knowing if I didn't have that I would truly feel as if I had nothing. It's in these moments that I am able to process my life and really take a look at what I am dealing with.

When my dad passed away my family battled to stay a family. We were all lost. The one who kept us all together and defined our family was no longer there to talk, support, and care for each one of us or as a collective group. At that point it fell on my grandmas and even my shoulders at times. It was a lot to bare. I did my best to keep in contact and to force relationship because I knew in my dads eyes family was everything. Knowing that, my grandma moved to California to be close to all of us. I truly believe she had a hope to bring us all even just a little closer and for a short period she did. She knew her time was coming to an end and she wanted her last final impact to be on our family. It was an example of how she always lived her life. However, the day my grandma passed away would be the day my family split ways. Losing my dad also added a bit of a struggle to my relationship with my mom. We were unable to see the others perspective. I tried it just wasn't possible. Communication lessened. Our lives were combined by the sole fact that we lived in the same house. I ultimately wanted us to understand one another but I was fighting too much for something neither of us could give.

As I talked to my mom this morning it all hit me that we are both living very similar lives. She goes to work each day not truly happy with where she works and gives all she has even though it doesn't seem good enough or appreciated. She works out daily, sometimes twice a day hoping to run from all the emotions bottled up inside of her. Working out allows her to escape, even if its only for a short time. She reminded me today that my life was turned upside down on December 23, 2010 the day I lost my dad. Both our lives were. And since then we have both struggled to find ourselves and find a way to keep moving forward. Then we lost my grandma who we were both extremely close to. The words she spoke today rand true in my mind, "you need to give yourself more credit and understand that you will never be able to get pass the loss you have been forced to deal with." I could hear her getting choked up and could feel the pain in her voice. It was in that moment that I realized there is so much more to losing my dad and grandma then I ever wanted to admit. There is a lot I haven't taken the time to process. Is it because I am afraid, yea I am sure that's part of it but I also think I just don't know how to. There is so much I have done wrong in order to heal and I think I am slowly realizing the wound is more fresh then I thought. 

In the same conversation with my mom today she made sure to point out that its not wrong for me to be happy or search to be happy. She said that is what your dad would want of you, it's what he would want for both of us. If I am honest with myself I think I am afraid to be happy. I hide behind what I am feeling not wanting to share anything or show my true colors. Part of me is afraid of people knowing about my life and the choices I have made. The other part of me is so afraid of showing people my weaknesses because I want so bad to be a strong person. Trust me, I know my dad would want me to succeed and show passion in all that I do. He would want me to make something of myself and never give up until I got there. I know he wants to see me succeed and wants me to be happy, truly happy. In my heart I really do know that, it's just some days it's not that easy. The days I wish I could call him or see him make that pain feel so incredibly fresh. I think back to that day and wonder if I have made any progress. A loss that should make me feel stronger seems to only make me feel weaker. Did I run away? Have I been running away for the past 2 years? The one thing I never wanted to do. I don't know maybe I have, maybe I handled everything the completely wrong way. At the time it seemed best.

I am now at a point where I don't know what's next. These times in my life happen every so often where I feel so lost and filled with such little hope. Do I go back to San Diego and trust that life can only get better? Or do I stay where I am and believe that there is something here for me through all these struggles? If I knew the perfect answer life would be much easier but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I am doing my best to put all my trust in God and know that His plan for me is greater than any one I could imagine for myself. I know these days will pass. I also know I will get through this and the darkness will leave allowing light to shine through again. My journey will continue. Where I will be I do not know but wherever it is I know God and my dad will be with me every step of the way.

God Bless,

Tay

Heartfelt Honesty

Usually when I decide to write it's after I have spent a decent amount of time processing what is going through my mind and heart. Once I actually sit down and write I re-read it over and over making sure that I don't sound like I am just stuck in some terrible place while also making sure no one else gets hurt in the process. Tonight may be a different story. My choice to write tonight is because of the millions of emotions I am feeling along with the billions of thoughts rushing my mind. I have been extremely off the last couple days. Not myself at all. I am exhausted. I am not talking about the exhausted that you can just sleep off. This is different. I am emotionally drained. I have had so many up's and downs lately when it comes to my emotions and I have truly done my best to stay positive through it all but I think I have reached that point where it's too much. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and it's not a ride I want to be apart of. All I want is to just be alone but I know thats not whats best for me. I want to talk about what I am feeling but when I try nothing seems to come out. I don't know how to just let people be there for me. I would rather just shut myself off from the world and hope for the best. Maybe this will be good for me to say what's truly on my heart.

Every time I think I have a grasp on what grief is all about I am quickly reminded that I don't. There is never a way of knowing what I will feel each day. Some days its difficult to even get out of bed and put a smile on my face. Those days it takes every ounce of energy to still give to others. But by the end of the day I am able to recognize that giving so much was what I needed. If you had the opportunity to read my post from yesterday you may have noticed some frustration expressed in my writing. To be honest, I didn't notice it until I went back and looked over what I had wrote. However, you can feel tension in my words and those feelings are an internal battle for me. Some people lately are choosing to spend more time questioning me about my choices and life rather then taking the time to ask why those things are important. Yes, I have been spending a lot of time at the gym but that's what I need. It has nothing to do with anyone else, it's what I want and what is best for me right now. I also may want to be alone more often than not, or only want to be around specific people, but all those needs have a purpose. Maybe I just want to put things in my own life above other stuff. It doesn't mean I don't care about people it just means that for once I need to focus on me. Every other person seems to be fine with being selfish every now and then, so why is it such a shock when I choose to do so? What is important in your life may not be what's important in mine but that leaves no one an excuse to judge or criticize my choices. I am over feeling guilty for the things I need at this point in time.

Unfortunately, two and a half years ago the Taylor that all of you knew was ripped away. Since then that person hasn't truly returned. There are definitely areas where I have grown and changed but there is still a huge part of myself missing. Someone very close to me has helped me see that lately. Those who care enough seem to be able to see it. Even people that just recently met me. I had my life all figured out and my dad was supporting me the entire way. He just wanted to see me succeed and I wanted to see myself succeed. Nothing was going to stop me from reaching my goals. I lived each day as if it were my last and never backed down from any challenge. If you told me then that I was a strong person I would have believed you but at this point it is very difficult for me to see anything but weakness. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to find that person I used to be. Of course I have days where I think that same Taylor returns but for some reason it doesn't stick around long. I don't know if people understand how hard I try or how much I care about being a positive influence. I wake up each day doing everything I possibly can to give all I have to every person I come in contact with. If you don't understand what that feels like then you don't understand how exhausting it can be. If I am having an off day it affects EVERYONE. It hurts people, makes them sad, they take it offensive, or they just shut me out because they don't want to deal with it. Knowing how much my attitude affects others is a heavy weight on my shoulders and sometimes it becomes too much.

A few days ago I read a blog that I have followed since my dad passed away. This person also lost a parent and for the most part I am able to feel very connected to their emotions helping me feel less alone on this journey. I wanted to go back and read their past posts of where they were at the point I am right now. Their blog looked identical to mine. They had days of being happy, positive and inspirational followed by days of just being angry. Along with those posts were posts filled with pain and sorrow, posts where they missed their mom so much that they would just curl up in a ball and cry because that was the only thing left to do. Posts feeling so alone that they wondered if the pain would ever disappear or if their life would always be defined by grief. The worst part was although those posts made me feel better about where I am I also was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for feeling as if my emotions are normal for someone dealing with the loss of a person close to them. It's actually very hard for me to admit that reading that blog made it seem like I was allowed to be feeling what I am. Never once have I wanted to accept what comes along with grief. I think accepting grief is one of the worst things you can do. Maybe this is an area I have really screwed up with. Maybe I do need to just accept grief and allow it to define me but not negatively rather in a positive manner. I am not sure what I need to be honest.

I may not know what I need but I do know what I want. I want things to work out in Colorado. I don't want to run away just because I am going through a hard point in this journey. I want to at least give it a year and then decide what I should do at that point. I want to keep influencing people and being the best friend I can possibly be. I want to continue to grow closer to the friends I have made and spend time with all the new people in my life. I want to see lives being changed and for people to make better life choices. I want to be an inspiration to someone in the world that as long as they have faith and hope they have everything they could ever need. I want to make something of my life and move closer towards a career that I am passionate about. I want to reach my goals for myself and continue to exercise towards my fitness goals.

You may read this list and be thinking she sure wants a lot and getting all those things may be asking too much at this point. However, I wont lose hope for a better future. I may not have a ton of hope at this point but the little hope I do have is enough to give me faith in what God has for me. Knowing that He is behind all that takes place in my life and that He can turn anything into something good is what helps me get out of bed in the morning. I miss my dad so much. I will never not miss him. My hope is that I continue to find ways to succeed in life knowing that he would want to see me make something of myself. He always told me that I would do big things and that this world needed more people like me. I want to see that and most of all I want to believe that. He was amazing. I never imagined living without him but sometimes we are forced to deal with situations that we never wanted to deal with. My dad isn't standing next to me but he is with me. I know he wouldn't leave me alone to walk this journey. Some how, some way I will make it through this...

God Bless,
Tay

Dear Dad

As children prepare their letters to Santa asking for all the things they want I decided to write my letter to you. There is truly nothing I want more then to have one more day with you, a day where I could spend every second showing you my appreciation. As a child each year I wrote a letter to this man that I viewed as one of the best people in the world. I mean come on, one single person who gave me everything I wanted and then some while also providing every other kid what they asked for. It wasn't long before I unwillingly found out that what I once believed to be true was actually a lie. However, behind a lie was a very honest, loving and caring individual that did everything in their power to give me what I wanted. Dad, you were my Santa. You may not have portrayed an exact image of Santa Claus but you sure had his characteristics. Your ultimate goal was to give me everything I asked for because the smile on my face Christmas morning was worth every penny. 

Santa Claus is real. He is real because the spirit he portrays for giving is a real living emotion. His spirit for loving and caring for the world exists. His challenge for people to become better individuals and spend time showing one another how much you love them makes each of us better people. For one month the world is a better place to live. Even when tragedy strikes we still remember the true meaning of Christmas. It is those people who "play the role" of Santa who deserve the gratitude. A lot is expected of each of them and the last thing they want is to let anyone down. 

It took me a long time to see and understand that you were my Santa. In reality it took you being absent to understand that. I saw the meaning of Christmas immediately taken from my life the day you were ripped away from me. The hallmark version of Christmas doesn't exist. I try my best to still give to others with a hope that they have what I once did but its a challenge. It's a challenge to talk about the plans I don't have with every person that asks. You gave me everything. I was such a lucky girl. Putting a smile on my face and making me feel special was your ultimate goal. Knowing someone cared that much about me made me feel like the greatest thing in the world. Now I am lost. I try to act like Christmas doesn't exist and hope that if I try hard enough the day will just pass by. Everything that was Christmas involved you. 

I hope you can see that I am trying dad. I know there have been times that I have been very negative about this month, especially the holiday. The sad part is the pain causes me to be blinded from the true meaning of Christmas. The gifts, food, and celebrations aren't what Christmas is truly about. I somehow hope to find that this year and remember what the day encompasses historically rather than what it has now become. I hope to find something to smile about, something to remind me of you. 

It's hard to believe its been two years since you left my life. It's been two very long years but at the same time the time has gone by extremely fast. It's amazing how other people in my life can remember exactly what they were doing the moment they were told what had happened. People who didn't even know you very well or even at all vividly remember the events of that entire day. Sometimes it's nice to go back through that day because each time I learn something new. At the time all I could think about was what had happened but was unable to see the immediate emotions others were faced with. Somehow I had all the support I could have ever needed right there in front of me with very little effort exerted. I think some of them were unaware of the changes that were ahead. Change is an understatement. 

As days go by I do my best to show happiness and love to everyone I come in contact with. I save those tough emotions I am fighting all day for when I get home when I know I can just let them all out. Maybe it's not the best way to go about it but right now it seems like so much less trouble. I am trying to take each day for what it's worth because pretty soon I will be in a very unfamiliar place. I won't have the same safe places to go when I feel I need to seek your love and advice. The spots I park my car and cry out to you. Dad, please know I am not running away. I know you understand that I need change. I need a new place where I can grow. A place where very little people know me and don't view those rough days as so incredibly bad. I will no longer be the girl who is "strong" and grieving after going through something a little tough. I can make a new name for myself and begin new adventures. 

Thank you Dad for always loving me more than any one person ever could. Thank you for making sure that I had people surrounding me that could build me up and get me through these last two years. You have guided me, pushed me and supported me through so many difficult moments. I know that you have had a hand in all the recent decisions I have had to make and you will continue to be right by my side. I can't even describe how much I miss you. Staying in San Diego this year isn't going to be easy but I know you will help me get through this. Take care of everyone special in my life and make sure they have a Christmas that brings them joy. Spread your smile to all who knew and loved you. Please don't ever stop spreading your wings and soaring over each and every life that needs you. There are some people who really need your love and support. I will be okay Dad. I am going to make it through these new and challenging adventures. 

Smile for me Dad. Remember those moments we shared. Shower grandma with so much love. After all those years you finally get to have a Christmas with your mom and dad. You deserve that more than anyone I know. Knowing you are with the two of them helps me smile through the tears. You have no more  pain and nothing makes me more happy then to know that. I love you dad with all my heart. You will forever live on in all that I do. 

God Bless,

Tay

June 11, 2012 in Retrospect

As I sat with my grandma on June 11 2012 I searched through her Bible, which she had got in 1982. The Bible I held in my hand was older then I was and for a moment I felt connected to my grandma in a whole new way. I sat there and read some of the notes she had wrote throughout the years and it brought me back to conversations we had together. I had hoped to sit and read to her but she wanted to rest.

Time passed by and I continued to search for a verse that could bring her peace as she lay still wincing in pain, but nothing seemed like the right words. I knew that there were some verses dealing with death in 1 Thessalonians so I attempted to search for the one I was thinking of. Moments later things took a turn and my attention immediately shifted to my grandma. At 4:16 my grandma would take her last breath. I sat there and held her hand remembering one of the verses that I always had fit her life so well. The verse is 1 John 4:16, which says, 

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." 

I couldn't think of a better verse to explain how my grandma lived her life. She loved the Lord with her entire heart. Even as she fought cancer she never stopped believing in His love and grace. She was a witness to the love of Christ and she had no fear of sharing His love to anyone she came in contact with.

Later that day on the train, I decided to look at 1 Thessalonians 4:16. I felt like her time of death had to have a meaning of some kind. I read what the verse said and also read the ones above and below. I was very surprised to read what verses 13-18 said. 

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. So encourage each other with these words." 

These verses filled my heart with more hope then I have had in months, probably since before my dad passed away. I suddenly felt at ease and could start to process what had taken place not only on this day but every day since December 23, 2010.

I began contemplating life and once again death, however, this time I wasn't as scared. I knew I had been through something difficult and sitting here today I know that it will still be difficult the days that follow. But in retrospect no matter how hard it all was I wouldn't have changed a thing. I can now say that without a doubt, in my situations,  knowing death may occur at any point is much easier then not knowing. I am so thankful that I had the chance to spend the day with my grandma and say everything I said, especially how much I loved her. I am thankful that I had the strength in me to finally listen to the songs played at my fathers service for the first time since that day knowing that they were my grandmas favorite songs. I am thankful she was surrounded by family and love because I know how much pain it brought her knowing my father was alone.

Last but not least, I am thankful God gave me another look at death. A friend mentioned that to me the other day and as I began thinking about it I realized how much truth that statement held. When my dad passed away I was in so much pain and felt so much regret at the things left unsaid. I questioned if I could have done more or should have been there to help him. Like my grandma, l was upset that I wasn't there for him when he needed someone most. The worst part of it all was the fear I lived with for a very long time. The fear that someone else in my life would quickly be taken from me. The fear that I would come home to another note on the door. I was living a lot of aspects of life in fear of what could possibly occur. I had lost all trust with life and I think I even lost some faith in the process of death. I also was unsure how to move on with my life. I felt like I was leaving way too much behind me and that without my dad it wasn't right to move forward.

Moving forward, although hard, has been exactly what I needed. I needed to learn to find happiness again, true happiness. My grandma would tell me all the time that my dad was happy and that he had waited a long time to finally be with his dad. Recently, it hit me that it was selfish of me to be upset and not move forward with my life. My dad never got to have time with his dad that every child truly deserves to have. So, as my grandmas time came near I knew that all I needed to do was reassure her that she could go home. I told her over and over that it was okay and that it was her time to go. As she gasped for air I felt like I could see what was happening. Of all the people in the room I had a huge smile on my face. It felt wrong but I couldn't stop smiling. Her blue eyes stared into mine and she was beaming. Although she wanted to keep fighting she also knew what was in front of her. I wanted her to be free of cancer, free of the burden of carrying a disease that took so much and ultimately free of pain. As I held her hand she would squeeze strongly and I felt her security. That security will never leave me.

It may sound weird to hear me say that I am thankful for a second look at death and it may not be something most people say. However, after the darkness I have lived through since my dad passed, it was pretty amazing to see so much light surround a death. My grandma knew where she was headed, I know where she is and that made everything that much easier. I saw her strength until the end and I know that she lived her life giving everything she possibly could. She had a great life and I feel honored to have been apart of it. Her life is a testimony to the faith and trust one should have, as well as, the love one can have for the Lord. She is amazing in my eyes and I only hope to be as good of a person as she was. Makes perfect sense why my dad was the person he was. They were so much a like. Their hearts and passion for caring for others was always first before all else.

I now have two amazing angels and with them by my side I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I have so much strength carrying me down my life path. I'm not sure where I am headed but I know there is something special ahead. I know with God and my two angels directing my life the possibilities are endless. My life has meaning, your life has meaning and together we can make someone else's life have meaning. We also have the ability to change lives for the better one day at a time. Smile and be thankful for what you do have and try to make the best out of every situation that presents itself. Even in the darkness lies little holes of light and as time passes the world won't seem so dark anymore. The important thing is never give up and never stop fighting!

"To breathe is a hope that we would live for one more second. To pray is a hope that He will watch us for some more time. And to live is a hope that we will keep the lamp of hope kindled."

With Love,

Taylor

Strength to the end!

Strength can have different meanings for every person. However, one thing that is common in life is the ability to find strength in certain people who are meant to be in our lives. These people may only have one purpose or their purpose may be endless. No matter how long they stay their footprints never leave and their lessons walk with us forever.

As a child I didn't understand why my grandma treated me how she did. I saw her as someone that hated me. She would say things that hurt my feelings and then would laugh about it. My parents would constantly tell me that she did that because she loved me. Never understood why she couldn't truly show she loved me in a normal manner. I would learn that was just who she was and that she loved me with everything she had. As time went on, I obviously got older and my relationship with grandma took a turn for the better. My grandma became my best friend. I would call her often and we would have some of the best conversations. She loved to talk to me about Gods love. You could hear her voice just light up any time we talked about the Lord. Our relationship continued to mature, which probably also had to do with me maturing. We talked about life and we also talked about death. I had a conversation with her shortly before my father passed that I will never forget. I called her and was so happy. She said I sounded different, that I had a sound of peace in my voice and I told her that I had finally accepted death. I accepted that it would happen and that people would be in Heaven. I also told her I couldn't wait to meet my grandpa, her husband who also passed away from a heart attack when my dad was 16. She was so happy to hear me trust in life and death but most importantly to fully trust in Heaven.

As time went on I continued to notice the incredible strength my grandma had. She had more faith then any one person I have ever seen. She battled life raising four kids without a dad, death one family member after another, and on top of all that she also fought cancer. She never once gave up and she always had a positive attitude. I never could understand how she stayed so positive with all that she was dealing with. When she lost my dad I saw a different side to her. It was as if a huge piece of her was ripped away and couldn't be replaced. A huge piece of all of us was ripped away and our family has never been the same.

A few months ago my grandma did one of the bravest things I have ever witnessed. She knew her life was coming to an end so she moved away from all she ever knew in Pennsylvania and came to California where her family was. She left the house her family grew up in and so many other things she loved just to make life easier on the rest of us. She knew in her heart she didn't have the strength to make it much longer and that all of us couldn't be back there with her constantly. One of the most selfless acts a person could do.

After only a short time in California, her health began to take a turn for the negative. Each week brought new challenges and although she kept fighting, she was losing strength daily. She was never willing to give up though. She kept telling me I want to go home and be with Joseph. It was a point in my life where I felt helpless. I knew I couldn't do anything to make her feel better. All I could do is reassure her that when it was her time God would take her to be with my dad.

The last week my family saw a steady decline in her health and we were advised to begin goodbyes. I took the day off of work today and decided to take the train up to LA with my mom. I was excited to be going to see her but I also knew it was going to be difficult to see her in that condition. Within the last couple days she lost her voice so she was unable to speak and was very unresponsive. As I laid my hand on hers I told her who I was and she immediately opened her eyes and her whole face lit up. She smiled so big and I told her I loved her. With the little strength she had she mouthed I love you too. I spent the rest of the day right by her side holding her hand. We listened to her favorite Josh Groban song "You Raise Me Up" and I pretty much played "Here Come The Irish" on repeat. "Here come the Irish" was the song she listened to with my dad before every Norte Dame game.

I continued to sit there helpless as things became even worse. Although she was unable to speak all day the one thing she had the ability to say was "I am going home". She knew it was her time to go home and it brought me peace to hear her say that. I looked into her eyes and smiled so big. It was at that moment that I knew she was safe. I knew she was in the arms of an angel, more important her Joseph had come to get her. We reassured her that she could stop fighting. She didn't want to give up, she fought until the end. I can't say I ever thought I would experience something quite like that but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I know she wanted people by her side and I knew I was going to hold her hand until the end and even after. I had a hard time letting go. She taught me so much about faith, love and strength. She was the definition of amazing in my book and nothing can take her place. She will be with me every single day. I am glad she is free of pain and I am happy knowing she is with my dad and grandpa. I will miss her but I know her hand will guide me every step of the way. My life holds so much meaning because she was apart of it. So many good things were because of her, the big one being my father.

I have a sense of peace knowing that I have two incredible angels by my side. Nothing can ever take that away from me. I will continue to fight for both of them and never give up, just as they never gave up. I now understand what cancer can take from someone and I only hope that lives can be changed through GiveNGetFit. I will do my part to fight both heart disease and cancer with a goal of lengthening peoples lives. My Grandma and my dad, along with so many others, are the reason I am so passionate about finding cures and helping to fund research for both these diseases. Illness can rip someone of so much but there are a few things it can never take. My grandma had just as much strength and faith today as she did before diagnosed. Nothing can ever take that from her.

Grandma I love you with all my heart...you are my hero!

Love,
Tay

Thankful!

I haven't had much free time lately so of course the one thing I have pushed aside is writing, not only in my blog but also my journal. For a while I felt like I needed to write, I needed to share big events that occurred in my life to anyone that wanted to read what I had to say. It was an escape, an escape from a life that I wasn't truly happy to be living. It gave me the ability to release emotions that I was unable to speak. At the time it was what I needed to move forward. As time has passed I haven't felt the need to write as often as I once was. I have figured out new ways to make it through the difficult days and have figured out how to go on with my life as new trials arise. My life has been anything but calm lately. I finished my first class of the pre req's that I need for physical therapy school. It was a battle but I officially completed statistics. During that time I also had been working a lot of hours and keeping busy on the weekends. Unfortunately, after being so busy and stressed with different things, I came down with pneumonia. So, for the past 2 weeks I have been fighting that, which has been quite the physical battle. But the good news is I am definitely getting better and feeling much better then I had been.

My family has also been going through a lot of different things. My grandma has officially moved to California. Soon after her arrival she became even more sick resulting in a hospital stay. She is now in LA staying in a Hospice Center where she receives care 24 hours a day. My family doesn't always handle difficult situations very well so it has led to a lot of different issues. I started contemplating if things could ever stay steady in my life. Each time I feel like I am making huge leaps forward something takes place to try to bring me right back down. But if I have learned one thing, it's that life is always going to have different struggles no matter how happy you want or try to be. The important thing is learning how to deal with all those struggles and continue to move forward with the life path you are choosing to walk. It's not always the easiest thing to do but it does get easier as you attempt to balance life's struggles.

The good thing is even with all that has taken place I have been able to find happiness again. Not the fake happiness that I once thought was real but the actual happiness where I look forward to waking up. I have found even more joy in my job and its a feeling of genuine love for what I get to be apart of. Of course there are difficult days but everyone has those and there is no way to stop them from happening. I have done a better job at hiding what is happening in my life and instead focusing on the good of the day. My days are filled with so much more laughter and smiles. I realized this past week that I truly am someone that is care free and wants to have a good time. That part of me has been missing for a long time. I actually had started to question who I really was. I felt like I was a completely different person when my dad was alive. As I walked with Theresa last night I was able to admit for the first time that I didn't need anything spectacular to occur to make the night seem worth it. Recently I have been able to enjoy even the small things in life, the things that we tend to forget to think about. I used to have it in my head that alcohol would allow me to escape my life and enjoy myself more. Unfortunately, I would find out the hard way that alcohol actually just made things worse. I finally heard myself say out loud that I didn't even need alcohol to just be the goofy fun loving person that I am. That was a big step.

As I was driving home last night I started to think about Memorial Day and the true meaning behind a day to honor those who sacrificed their lives for others. I have all the respect in the world for those people who have fought for our country and gave their own life so we could enjoy true freedom. But I also started to think about all those people who have lost their lives in different types of battles or those people who continue to battle. These are everyday people that weren't given the opportunity to necessarily fight for their country but fought a health battle day in and day out. People that continued to strive to be the best individual they possibly could knowing there life could end at any point. To some these people aren't heroes, but to me they are. They are people that fight for others as they fight their own life. These people are also forced to sacrifice a lot of different things and their families are haunted with the every day reminder that there loved one could be gone at any moment. Memorial Day is a good day to not only remember the military and their families but all who have lost their lives. Every person that has left their mark on even one life deserves to be honored in some way. A true hero is someone that has made an impact on another persons life and has affected who they strive to become in their future.

I look up to those people who constantly give. Whether that person is in the military or just a random person standing next to me who realizes how much others need their help. The person that wakes up each morning wondering how they can help another person or how they can change someones life for the better. It's everyday individuals that have the ability to make a change in this world. The fact is a hero never dies no matter how they are taken from us. Their impact is felt by people all over the world by how we choose to remember that person. The saying that a piece of them is always apart of each life they touched is an incredibly strong statement. It's the truth. They are apart of us and as long as we allow their light to shine through, they are always apart of our everyday. As our loved ones battle whatever fight they are fighting, the one thing that keeps them smiling is knowing that their impact can always be felt even after they are long gone. 

It is for that reason that today I remember all those individuals who have battled and lost their lives, who continue to battle and those who have done all they could to help someone or find new ways to help others. The truth is there is always room for more heroes in this world. One of the greatest heroes in my life is my dad and he is remembered today just as much as he is everyday. I remember his passion and his ability to care even when he wasn't having the best day. I love the man he was even more as the days pass because of how he has affected my life. He continues to be my strength and he is so much apart of my everyday. He is the reason I am here and it is my duty to continue to show his passion for others as I move forward in my life journey.

Thank you to every single person who has given their life so others could live today. And thank you to those families who sacrificed so much knowing that they may never see their loved one again. You are all heroes in my book.

God Bless,
Taylor

A Small Reminder

As the waves crash I am reminded of their beautiful sound. Although I live in San Diego, I don't travel to the beach very often. Lately I have been contemplating taking a trip because there is a sense of relaxation that occurs every time I visit. It's a feeling of being free from all of lifes troubles. Even if its just for five minutes, my mind travels to a different place. People swarm the area to take in its beautiful features, possibly visiting from another city, state or even another country. Each person one after another in awe of what they see. I, however, take it for granted because of the shortness in distance from my house. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people, seeing the beach for the first time and truly understanding its beauty. But, after little thought I was again reminded of how blessed I am to be in the presence of something God created, and not only just something He created but a piece of His creation that describes beauty in a multitude of ways. It doesn't matter what the weather is like outside because the waves crashing against the rocks is still beautiful. The ocean provides a comfort because no matter what is thrown it's way, the end result is always magnificent to look at.

While watching the crashing waves against the cliffs, I heard a cry. The cry was coming from a baby seal who had been abandoned by his mother because a person felt the need to walk on the beach to get a closer look. The baby seal hasn't been alive long but is already battling loneliness and heartache. There is a very good chance the baby will never see its mom again and will more then likely die from not only a broken heart but also from not receiving the nutrients it needs to live. It killed me to listen to its cry and watch it lay in pain. I, like the baby seal, feel like I have lost my way. Unlike the baby seal, I was lucky enough to be left with ways of coping the difficult situations that occur in our lives. My dad taught me lessons and taught me how to make it on my own if that was ever to happen. The seal was left with nothing. I may understand what its like to lose someone special but I couldn't imagine being left with no real chance to make it. You may wonder the meaning behind that story and the relevance a baby seal has on my life but for me, it was an immediate eye opener. I was quickly reminded that even during the pain, my dad is by my side and has given me the tools to make it past all this. 

I have felt lost lately with no real understanding of how I can get through this. I think back to the start of this all and I feel like I had more hope. That hope seems to be covered by dark clouds, I know that same hope is still there, I just can't find it. I don't plan on giving up but I do feel defeated. I can't find the strength to remind myself I have already made it this far. I keep thinking I must give myself the time that is needed and it will get easier, however, the more time that goes by the harder it is to move forward. Lately, I feel as if I am forced to say goodbye every morning I open my eyes. At times, I find myself wishing I could just sleep and not have to face the day ahead of me. I don't know who I am anymore and all I want is to go back to the person I once was. Someone who has been through a lot but could always trust that in the end something good would come out of it all. I hate feeling like everything about me is negative, because that is not who I want to be. I also feel as if I am making things worse because I am so self conscious of how my mood is. I try to fight myself through the difficult days and in return I am exhausted. I am still struggling with how to accept the emotions that arrive and how to deal with them without affecting those around me. I thought I was getting better at dealing with the array of emotions I was feeling, but obviously I am not.

The main issue is I miss my dad and there is nothing filling that void right now. I want to feel better and want to be happy but have never found something so simple to be so difficult. I will keep trying and hoping for a better tomorrow. Each morning I wake up I have made it a goal to immediately remember the good things that are all around me. One thing that is very special is the people who are apart of my every day. I am lucky to be surrounded by so much love and care. I just wish I knew how to use what I have available to me. All I can say is as much as I need to be patient with myself, I also need everyone to be patient with me because I also understand how hard it is for each of you. I am trying to find myself and one day I will but until then I am still so very thankful for each and every one of you.

Love you all,

Tay