Disconnect

Disconnect is a word that has resonated frequently through my mind, as well as, through words directed at me from those close to me. Upon returning home I found myself excited to be surrounded by people I had not seen, some of which I had not even spoken to in some time. Moving away challenges relationships, distance challenges communication, and the term "out of sight out of mind" although its perception being incredibly negative, tends to ring more true than any one of us would like to admit. Although I thought it would be different, the inevitable happened and after being in Colorado for a few months, communication slowly dwindled with those in San Diego. Of course returning home, the place I was born and raised, the place I had built so many friendships with countless amounts of people would bring lots of excitement. However, as time passed that excitement  became far and few between. I slowly began to find myself in this place where all I wanted was to be alone. I felt a disconnect from everyone, especially those who had grown to know so much about me. I found myself looking forward to the moment I could leave work and either go home or go to the gym. Those two places became a place of freedom for me. It had never been that way. I had always wanted people around me. I felt myself slipping into this lonely world where I pushed every person out of my life and the minute I felt someone getting close to me I ran even further away. Some of you who know my story would say its the time of year, but in my heart I knew that wasn't true.

It's now January, which means I reached the four year mark of the day I lost my father, my best friend, and my biggest supporter. Although the last four years seem to have passed by quickly, in some ways its also been the slowest four years of my life. At times it also seems like the most pointless four years of my life. But, the real Taylor knows that is not the truth. You may read that and get upset, especially if you played a role in that time frame or if I met you for the first time during those four years. It is for that reason I hope you take a moment to step back and understand that those words are coming from the side of myself that is grieving not the piece of my heart that truly believes that all things happen for a reason. The darkest of days have brought light into my world and the toughest moments have made me so much stronger. The people I have met along the way have taught me an incredible amount about life. Some of those moments I may not necessarily want to relive but they happened and I am still grateful for each and every one of them. No one person should ever take offense to the things I say or do. I am learning to pick up the pieces of everything I have lost and still become the person I know my father wants me to become. It's not easy but nothing that comes easy is worth it.

I will admit that I have been disconnected from almost every person in my life good or bad. I have pushed a lot of you away, some on purpose and others by accident. But I am here to say that it is something I have needed to do. I am in a place right now where I need people to be there but to also understand that they may not get from me everything they are used to receiving. I have spent a lot of my life pouring so much into people but have reached a point where I just can't do that anymore. I have very little to give but I do my best each day to wake up with a positive attitude and provide some sort of support to every person I come in contact with.  I still care, I will always care, and if you know me you should know that times like these kill me. I find myself to be so angry. Angry that I lost my dad. Angry that certain things have happened in my life and that people have treated me how they have. Angry that I have put so much into people that will never actually understand my sole purpose of life, which is to just love people. And angry at the amount of times I have been taken advantage of.

The truth is though, as you look at the list of what I am angry about, the number one reason I am so angry is because it's hard to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am and where I am at. My emotions are stuck on all the bad that has happened to me because the real problem I need to face is starring right back at me. These are the battles I constantly go through. These are the battles I talk very little about. I have sat down probably twenty times to write and not a single word has been entered. Afraid, yes maybe. Afraid to be honest, not with all of you, but with myself. Afraid to admit that I am struggling to find happiness and to find my place in this world. I am passionate, don't get me wrong, but the drive I once had was lost the minute I find out that my dad would no longer be apart of my life.

My hope for anyone reading this is to understand where I am coming from. As much as I needed to write, I also needed those of you in my life to hear whats on my heart and to know that disconnecting myself is my way of dealing with the stuff I am going through. Losing someone close to you makes the world a very different place. Things that used to be normal no longer are. Places that used to have so much meaning become difficult to revisit. Second families become more difficult to spend time with because it just makes you miss what used to be. Seeing people with their fathers can also make me feel even more disconnected because of not having that relationship anymore. These are things no one should feel sorry for its just part of the grief process and some days are worse than others.

I am working towards figuring all these things out. I am hoping to find ways to cope with the disconnect I feel from the world. I am trying my best to not push away the good things and the good people that have recently entered my life because of fear. I am releasing the old while realizing who and what is important to me. I am taking the time to figure out what type of people I want in my life and although selfish at times, not wasting time on those who only look to me because they need me. I also know that I need to start challenging myself and taking leaps of faith to get where I know I can. I need to put certain things in my life before others and not allow anything to come in the way of those. This place I am in is far from easy. I have spent a lot of time dealing with emotions that I have bottled up and I think it's what scares me about letting anyone in.

God Bless,
Taylor

Heartfelt Honesty

Usually when I decide to write it's after I have spent a decent amount of time processing what is going through my mind and heart. Once I actually sit down and write I re-read it over and over making sure that I don't sound like I am just stuck in some terrible place while also making sure no one else gets hurt in the process. Tonight may be a different story. My choice to write tonight is because of the millions of emotions I am feeling along with the billions of thoughts rushing my mind. I have been extremely off the last couple days. Not myself at all. I am exhausted. I am not talking about the exhausted that you can just sleep off. This is different. I am emotionally drained. I have had so many up's and downs lately when it comes to my emotions and I have truly done my best to stay positive through it all but I think I have reached that point where it's too much. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and it's not a ride I want to be apart of. All I want is to just be alone but I know thats not whats best for me. I want to talk about what I am feeling but when I try nothing seems to come out. I don't know how to just let people be there for me. I would rather just shut myself off from the world and hope for the best. Maybe this will be good for me to say what's truly on my heart.

Every time I think I have a grasp on what grief is all about I am quickly reminded that I don't. There is never a way of knowing what I will feel each day. Some days its difficult to even get out of bed and put a smile on my face. Those days it takes every ounce of energy to still give to others. But by the end of the day I am able to recognize that giving so much was what I needed. If you had the opportunity to read my post from yesterday you may have noticed some frustration expressed in my writing. To be honest, I didn't notice it until I went back and looked over what I had wrote. However, you can feel tension in my words and those feelings are an internal battle for me. Some people lately are choosing to spend more time questioning me about my choices and life rather then taking the time to ask why those things are important. Yes, I have been spending a lot of time at the gym but that's what I need. It has nothing to do with anyone else, it's what I want and what is best for me right now. I also may want to be alone more often than not, or only want to be around specific people, but all those needs have a purpose. Maybe I just want to put things in my own life above other stuff. It doesn't mean I don't care about people it just means that for once I need to focus on me. Every other person seems to be fine with being selfish every now and then, so why is it such a shock when I choose to do so? What is important in your life may not be what's important in mine but that leaves no one an excuse to judge or criticize my choices. I am over feeling guilty for the things I need at this point in time.

Unfortunately, two and a half years ago the Taylor that all of you knew was ripped away. Since then that person hasn't truly returned. There are definitely areas where I have grown and changed but there is still a huge part of myself missing. Someone very close to me has helped me see that lately. Those who care enough seem to be able to see it. Even people that just recently met me. I had my life all figured out and my dad was supporting me the entire way. He just wanted to see me succeed and I wanted to see myself succeed. Nothing was going to stop me from reaching my goals. I lived each day as if it were my last and never backed down from any challenge. If you told me then that I was a strong person I would have believed you but at this point it is very difficult for me to see anything but weakness. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to find that person I used to be. Of course I have days where I think that same Taylor returns but for some reason it doesn't stick around long. I don't know if people understand how hard I try or how much I care about being a positive influence. I wake up each day doing everything I possibly can to give all I have to every person I come in contact with. If you don't understand what that feels like then you don't understand how exhausting it can be. If I am having an off day it affects EVERYONE. It hurts people, makes them sad, they take it offensive, or they just shut me out because they don't want to deal with it. Knowing how much my attitude affects others is a heavy weight on my shoulders and sometimes it becomes too much.

A few days ago I read a blog that I have followed since my dad passed away. This person also lost a parent and for the most part I am able to feel very connected to their emotions helping me feel less alone on this journey. I wanted to go back and read their past posts of where they were at the point I am right now. Their blog looked identical to mine. They had days of being happy, positive and inspirational followed by days of just being angry. Along with those posts were posts filled with pain and sorrow, posts where they missed their mom so much that they would just curl up in a ball and cry because that was the only thing left to do. Posts feeling so alone that they wondered if the pain would ever disappear or if their life would always be defined by grief. The worst part was although those posts made me feel better about where I am I also was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for feeling as if my emotions are normal for someone dealing with the loss of a person close to them. It's actually very hard for me to admit that reading that blog made it seem like I was allowed to be feeling what I am. Never once have I wanted to accept what comes along with grief. I think accepting grief is one of the worst things you can do. Maybe this is an area I have really screwed up with. Maybe I do need to just accept grief and allow it to define me but not negatively rather in a positive manner. I am not sure what I need to be honest.

I may not know what I need but I do know what I want. I want things to work out in Colorado. I don't want to run away just because I am going through a hard point in this journey. I want to at least give it a year and then decide what I should do at that point. I want to keep influencing people and being the best friend I can possibly be. I want to continue to grow closer to the friends I have made and spend time with all the new people in my life. I want to see lives being changed and for people to make better life choices. I want to be an inspiration to someone in the world that as long as they have faith and hope they have everything they could ever need. I want to make something of my life and move closer towards a career that I am passionate about. I want to reach my goals for myself and continue to exercise towards my fitness goals.

You may read this list and be thinking she sure wants a lot and getting all those things may be asking too much at this point. However, I wont lose hope for a better future. I may not have a ton of hope at this point but the little hope I do have is enough to give me faith in what God has for me. Knowing that He is behind all that takes place in my life and that He can turn anything into something good is what helps me get out of bed in the morning. I miss my dad so much. I will never not miss him. My hope is that I continue to find ways to succeed in life knowing that he would want to see me make something of myself. He always told me that I would do big things and that this world needed more people like me. I want to see that and most of all I want to believe that. He was amazing. I never imagined living without him but sometimes we are forced to deal with situations that we never wanted to deal with. My dad isn't standing next to me but he is with me. I know he wouldn't leave me alone to walk this journey. Some how, some way I will make it through this...

God Bless,
Tay

Life Update, Fathers Day, & Love

I find it very interesting that some days I can sit down and complete a blog with very little thought, yet other days clicking publish seems like the most difficult task. I began writing this post a few days ago while sitting at one of my favorite places in Denver. A park known as Wash Park to those who live near it but it's real name being Washington Park. This park has become a spot where I escape daily life, lay with the dogs, write and read. It's the place I am at peace. In San Diego I had my "spots", the spots I always ran to when I needed to be alone. I actually was nervous about not having those places to escape any longer because I knew the meaning they held in my heart. I have been taught over time that it's not necessarily a specific spot that must hold meaning rather the memories that were shared in that place. Those memories can be remembered anywhere you are located and still hold just as much meaning as they once did.

It's been five months since I picked up and left the town I grew up in to move to a new place, a city I am falling in love with more by the day. Denver is very different than any place I have ever been. It's a place that grabs your heart very quickly. I am not even sure what makes it so unique. It could be the people, the atmosphere, weather, or possibly the peace that seems to flow through the cracks in the sidewalk. The question I always get is "why would you move away from San Diego to come here?", but the truth is this place has something that no other city has. A place filled with so many free spirited individuals and a whole lot of happiness. It has taken some time but I am slowly creating my own life in this city. I have been meeting more people and truly enjoying the sunshine. Even on bad days I am able to look around and find joy in the small things. A few months ago I found myself struggling to find purpose. I felt lost. I didn't want to be in San Diego but I didn't feel like I was meant to be here. I questioned my decision to move. I questioned my life, my future, and the choices I had made. As I took a step back and spent some time alone I realized I was closing myself off to what God has for me. Yes, I was in a new place and transitions can be difficult but I wasn't allowing myself the ability to be used. Any chance I had to move forward I nervously pushed myself away, scared of taking that step.

After spending about a week in solitude I quickly understood how my choices were not only affecting my own life but were affecting others as well. As my smile returned my personality quickly returned as well, and the change in others was noticeable. I guess I never realized that a carefree personality really does wear off on people and when it is hiding even those who don't know me are affected. It has been almost a year since I reached the point in grief where my personality returned. The year prior to that I felt lost and had no idea who I was. I went searching to find that person and I was frustrated when my answer seemed lost in the darkness. Even those around me were unable to see "the real tay", and they hoped for that person to return. Being in Denver is teaching me more about myself then I could have ever imagined. People that know nothing about me or my life see me as the person always laughing, smiling and just being a goofball. At work if I am having an off day people wonder why, which is a change because the bad days used to far outweigh the good days. Fortunately those days aren't often. I can remember when every day was filled with a face of pain and suffering. But, the positive is with time the good days happen more often and the bad days are far less frequent.

As for work, I am currently working at Nike and for those of you who know me you are probably reading this thinking "that has to be a dream come true for her!", but I can honestly tell you it is not. You should all be proud though because I am very smart about what I buy! I have only bought two pairs of shoes, one being specifically for running! ;) Anyways, even though I know this job isn't forever I can clearly see why I am in the position I am. After the initial "fun" period passed I had two weeks of hating what I was doing searching for some purpose at a place that took very little thinking to complete. I was mad that the only job I got was a job where my knowledge wasn't being used at all. However, once again I realized I was shutting myself off from what God had for me. My knowledge could be used and more importantly my heart, passion, and joy could be used to make the lives of those around me better. I began seeing a different side to work. I viewed each day as another day to change someones day for the better. I saw my days working in footwear as opportunities to use my knowledge of the body and how it moves. I have provided customers with feedback on injury prevention and different exercises they could do to help injuries such as shin splints and plantar fasciaitis. I take pride in getting them in the proper shoe for how their foot moves and even question managers on shoes that advertise specific functions. In apparel, I try to make the life of the shopper as easy as possible while starting conversations about all sorts of things. I slowly began to understand that every day you can change a life just by acknowledging people and showing interest in their lives. Through those moments I was taught a lot about myself and my daily purpose, not just my purpose for specific careers. No matter where I am or what I am doing I can make a difference in other's lives just by showing love.

I am reminded each day of the genuine compassion my father had. Even on his worst days he made sure to love people with everything he had to offer. Some days it wasn't as much as others but he still gave his everything. If he could live his life in that capacity then I can to. My father is the person I hope to be. I look up to him for his ability to look past the struggles of his life to make the world a better place. I truly believe that he taught me one of the most powerful aspects to life that anyone could ever teach me. Truly loving people can be a difficult task at times but with a heart filled with compassion for those suffering gives the ability to shine light into lives filled with so much darkness. My daily goal is to live for the day and not dwell on the little things. I have a very clear understanding of what my purpose is and because of that I may not be placed in a career or position that I thought was meant to be for me. In fact, more than likely I will find myself doing something I never intended to do. The excitement in that is knowing that God has something so much bigger for my life that I can't even begin to grasp at this time. We all have purpose. That statement alone should fill your heart with such a warm feeling because it's a constant reminder that there is something greater, something you can't even begin to imagine. Take that and run with it. Be used and more importantly be open to being used. Embrace the path you are led on knowing you are not walking it alone.

Father's Day is tomorrow. For some of you it will be a difficult day because you may have lost your father or maybe your father was never apart of your life, and in reality it's never easy to be reminded of that pain. Other's will have an awesome day because you will be spending it by your fathers side showing him that you are grateful for what he has done. My hope for all of you is that you can find something to make your day special. Celebrate and remember those no longer here. Find something that makes you smile because you know they would love what you decided to do. If you are someone who is having a difficult time forgiving your father for what he has done attempt to release that. Maybe even take that step of saying even though he hasn't been a father to me I am stronger than anything holding me back from at least acknowledging this day. Last but not least, show thanks to those fathers still around. Show them how much they mean to you and how thankful you are for what they have done because at some point you will wish you had another day to tell them the stuff that truly matters. Most of us, father or not, have some sort of fatherly influence and that person deserves just as much acknowledgement as the person who was your father.

Personally, my love for my father grows by the day as I am reminded more and more of the love he held in his heart. Although he is no longer here I am experiencing a greater appreciation for the way in which he lived his life. I can't even begin to explain how cool that feeling is. That is the reason that tomorrow I will celebrate and be thankful for every single thing about my father, good or bad. I will never stop loving him or living in his shadow. I can't wait to run tomorrow morning in his honor filled with joy and a huge smile on my face. The greatest gift I can give him is to continue living to the best of my ability and keep that smile on my face that everyone seems to love.

Love you pops with all my heart. Happy Fathers Day and thank you for being the greatest father any girl could have! I am who I am today because of you.

God Bless,
Tay

Writing: My Escape

All I want is to be able to fall asleep. To wake up from this and have the two people that showed me so much about love sitting next to me. I thought I could act fine. I tried so hard this week to stay strong. I kept reminding myself to smile and laugh because I knew that's what they would want. I kept myself focused on my days and found happiness around the people who have stood by my side day in and day out. As the day began to come to an end, reality hit and I was reminded of the place I would have to return. A vacant house completely empty of any sort of emotion besides sadness. Does this month exist? Can it exist? For my family it's as if it can not. The two people that filled our lives with joy are no longer here.

The loss of my dad was so earth shattering that I think people forget that in June I also lost my grandma. After losing my dad my grandma was the one thing I had that made me feel like a piece of my dad was still here. She understood me. We could talk about anything. She helped me have faith in the things I struggled to see or even begin to understand. She loved me with all her heart. Tonight as I opened a present a patient got me, all I could do is think about her. The hope she had for life, the joy she constantly showed no matter what the circumstance was, the love she had for my family and of course the amazing faith she had. She was such an inspiration. My dad had so much love for her and nothing would or could ever change that. Putting a smile on her face was one of his daily goals. She truly meant the world to him and he meant the world to her.

Most people will admit that when it came to my family my dad and I were a lot a like. I was his mini me and he loved when people said that. Each time I went to his office patients would immediately view me as Dr. Aglio's daughter. They saw it in my face, especially my eyes. My dad viewed it as a compliment when patients said that. He loved having his daughter be compared to him. I, however, hated every moment of it. I would snap back and say no I look like my mom. I thought it was negative when they said I looked like him and acted like him. Now that I am older I understand that I couldn't have received a greater compliment. Being compared to my father is very special and it's all I have left in a world where all I want is to have him back.

My grandma and my dad were also a lot a like, which is why as the years went by the three of us began to get very close. We all had hearts filled with love and we constantly proved that to one another. My conversations with each of them became influential over the years. My grandma and I would talk about the importance of faith and she had so much hope for my life. Deep down I know my dad had a lot of faith. He would study books and meditate searching for any sort of peace. All he wanted was to feel safe and comforted. They were two of the most amazing people I have ever met. Over the years I grew to love both of them so much. I know you have to love your family but in all honesty my love for them was greater than anything I could have ever thought. They taught me the true meaning of caring for people with all your heart. They both taught me how to never give up and to have strength even when my world seems as if it is crumbling.

This year is another Christmas that I not only have to make it through without my Dad but for the first time I also have to make it without my grandma. Life was so much easier last year when I could escape to Colorado and in a way run from everything I was feeling. Now I am forced to be in this house where I am reminded of everything I wish I could forget. I know it's important to go through these emotions but I wish it wasn't necessary. I know I will be given the strength to get through all of this but everything in me wants to give up. If I ran away from it all would I regret it? Knowing how hard I am on myself I probably would. It's important to figure out how to fight emotions like these and to find happiness. Its very possible that the people in my life just don't understand and wether that's the case or not is okay. I have to go through this on my own, standing on my own two feet, and trusting that I will pull through. I have to figure out how to find things that remind me of my dad and my grandma while making me feel close to them instead of them feeling distant. I need to remember my life has meaning and that giving up on my goals means giving up on the goals so many have for me.

If I have been taught one thing it is that all the struggles have a purpose. One day they all will make sense and it may be another life that is changed through the difficult moments I have lived. I have no control over what takes place but I do have control over how I react to it. I am trying. I'm trying to stay strong and have faith. I'm trying to be positive and happy. But with that, I also know that I need to allow some of these emotions to occur and that being in my solitary may be the best thing for me to learn how to be stronger while also being more independent. I can't rely on everyone else so much. It is through my own heart and mind that I will learn to battle these terrible moments. The moments where I can't seem to find any hope. The important thing to remember is behind all those thoughts is a heart longing to heal. It's a person that wants to view life as missing nothing. One day it will all be okay and I will see the bright light at the end of a very long and lonely tunnel.

God bless,
Taylor

Dear Dad

As children prepare their letters to Santa asking for all the things they want I decided to write my letter to you. There is truly nothing I want more then to have one more day with you, a day where I could spend every second showing you my appreciation. As a child each year I wrote a letter to this man that I viewed as one of the best people in the world. I mean come on, one single person who gave me everything I wanted and then some while also providing every other kid what they asked for. It wasn't long before I unwillingly found out that what I once believed to be true was actually a lie. However, behind a lie was a very honest, loving and caring individual that did everything in their power to give me what I wanted. Dad, you were my Santa. You may not have portrayed an exact image of Santa Claus but you sure had his characteristics. Your ultimate goal was to give me everything I asked for because the smile on my face Christmas morning was worth every penny. 

Santa Claus is real. He is real because the spirit he portrays for giving is a real living emotion. His spirit for loving and caring for the world exists. His challenge for people to become better individuals and spend time showing one another how much you love them makes each of us better people. For one month the world is a better place to live. Even when tragedy strikes we still remember the true meaning of Christmas. It is those people who "play the role" of Santa who deserve the gratitude. A lot is expected of each of them and the last thing they want is to let anyone down. 

It took me a long time to see and understand that you were my Santa. In reality it took you being absent to understand that. I saw the meaning of Christmas immediately taken from my life the day you were ripped away from me. The hallmark version of Christmas doesn't exist. I try my best to still give to others with a hope that they have what I once did but its a challenge. It's a challenge to talk about the plans I don't have with every person that asks. You gave me everything. I was such a lucky girl. Putting a smile on my face and making me feel special was your ultimate goal. Knowing someone cared that much about me made me feel like the greatest thing in the world. Now I am lost. I try to act like Christmas doesn't exist and hope that if I try hard enough the day will just pass by. Everything that was Christmas involved you. 

I hope you can see that I am trying dad. I know there have been times that I have been very negative about this month, especially the holiday. The sad part is the pain causes me to be blinded from the true meaning of Christmas. The gifts, food, and celebrations aren't what Christmas is truly about. I somehow hope to find that this year and remember what the day encompasses historically rather than what it has now become. I hope to find something to smile about, something to remind me of you. 

It's hard to believe its been two years since you left my life. It's been two very long years but at the same time the time has gone by extremely fast. It's amazing how other people in my life can remember exactly what they were doing the moment they were told what had happened. People who didn't even know you very well or even at all vividly remember the events of that entire day. Sometimes it's nice to go back through that day because each time I learn something new. At the time all I could think about was what had happened but was unable to see the immediate emotions others were faced with. Somehow I had all the support I could have ever needed right there in front of me with very little effort exerted. I think some of them were unaware of the changes that were ahead. Change is an understatement. 

As days go by I do my best to show happiness and love to everyone I come in contact with. I save those tough emotions I am fighting all day for when I get home when I know I can just let them all out. Maybe it's not the best way to go about it but right now it seems like so much less trouble. I am trying to take each day for what it's worth because pretty soon I will be in a very unfamiliar place. I won't have the same safe places to go when I feel I need to seek your love and advice. The spots I park my car and cry out to you. Dad, please know I am not running away. I know you understand that I need change. I need a new place where I can grow. A place where very little people know me and don't view those rough days as so incredibly bad. I will no longer be the girl who is "strong" and grieving after going through something a little tough. I can make a new name for myself and begin new adventures. 

Thank you Dad for always loving me more than any one person ever could. Thank you for making sure that I had people surrounding me that could build me up and get me through these last two years. You have guided me, pushed me and supported me through so many difficult moments. I know that you have had a hand in all the recent decisions I have had to make and you will continue to be right by my side. I can't even describe how much I miss you. Staying in San Diego this year isn't going to be easy but I know you will help me get through this. Take care of everyone special in my life and make sure they have a Christmas that brings them joy. Spread your smile to all who knew and loved you. Please don't ever stop spreading your wings and soaring over each and every life that needs you. There are some people who really need your love and support. I will be okay Dad. I am going to make it through these new and challenging adventures. 

Smile for me Dad. Remember those moments we shared. Shower grandma with so much love. After all those years you finally get to have a Christmas with your mom and dad. You deserve that more than anyone I know. Knowing you are with the two of them helps me smile through the tears. You have no more  pain and nothing makes me more happy then to know that. I love you dad with all my heart. You will forever live on in all that I do. 

God Bless,

Tay

Grief Ever So Present

I can't say when this occurred but at some point I became comfortable with speaking of my father in the past tense. The other day I found myself saying that "I loved my dad so much". As, I wrote that statement I stopped for a second and really thought about what I had said. I have also heard myself say my dad loved this song and that he used to get specific meals at restaurants I have been to recently. For some reason it seems normal to speak of him as a part of the past. I have even noticed that I am much better at handling the moments where I am asked when he passed away. It's no longer a shock and I am able to respond that he passed away a year and a half ago. I have come to terms that he is no longer here and won't be coming back. However, the area I still continue to struggle with is when someone else speaks of their father. I don't necessarily immediately shift my focus to my father every single time but there are moments where he is all I can think of. There are even those times where I am around other fathers and I find myself having a difficult time. It's not that I am jealous of  these people and their ability to still share time with their fathers, but rather a wish for my dad to be here with me. 

Even with the hard moments a positive change is that my thoughts aren't constantly shifted towards my dads death. However, I do find myself just wanting to talk about him and speak of his life. It doesn't matter who is listening I just feel that he lived a life worth talking about. He is a hard person to forget and because of that I think about him every single day. I think about him when I hear a song that reminds me of him. When I drive by his favorite restaurant Yannis. Or when I watch soccer, football or hockey. Especially Notre Dame, the Steelers, or the Penguins. At times all I can do is smile when things remind me of him. For the most part these things have just become part of my daily routine. But with those moments of happiness are also moments of sadness. Moments where all I can do is cry because I need him here. Those are the moments that are too difficult and the impact that memory has on my heart is too much to handle. It is then that I am just left in tears without words to describe my emotions. 

When asked about my father, I feel like I am unable to describe him. To those who did not know him my stories and memories don't seem to paint a complete picture. They stare at me and smile wishing they could understand what makes my face light up but in reality they cant truly know. I see it in their eyes, they wish they understood what I was feeling and knew how to help. In those situations the only thing they are able to see is the life and story of this little girl that was his daughter. Those moments can be so difficult because how do you actually depict someone through stories? It's impossible. The moments I am reminded that I can't adequately explain him, it absolutely crushes me. It's in those moments that I feel a loss for words. Days that are important to me aren't important to everyone else. Its not that those people don't care it's just they don't understand the importance behind it all, the meaning that makes that day what it is. There are so many things that most people in my life are unable to understand. Its not their fault, most of them just never had the chance to meet my father. They never had the opportunity to see the little things about his life that made him so special. I wish they would have because then it may make more sense to them why I miss him so much. Why my days seem incomplete without him. Why I hate going home at the end of the day. My days are this way because he is no longer here. It's part of the reason it was so hard for me to take his picture down from my Facebook. Yes, a stupid social media website, but it was the one place where I felt like any time someone went to my page they would at least remember who my dad was. They would remember how important he was to me and the impact he had on my life. The thing that scares me the most is that he will be forgotten. That on those days where all I need is someone to not necessarily understand but to just be there, that they won't be. 

The worst part is I don't even know where all this is coming from. The fear, worry, hopeless thoughts, pain, crying, feeling of being alone and constant need for people to show they are there but not actually wanting to be around people. These are the emotions that surround my day. I cry for what seems to be no reason. I miss my dad and just wish he was here. Nothing seems to make any of it better. All I want to do is sleep but when I do sleep its never very well. I ask myself the question, "when will this all be over?, when will I be back to the old me?" I finally felt like I was finding myself. I was happy with who I was. I was enjoying life. I had found what seemed to be a true happiness and it could be seen on my face. Now all anyone see's is pain and suffering. I know low's are common but it's been almost two years and I'm not willing to accept low's like this one. I am hoping that with the Heart Walk coming up that I will break through this. Maybe I need that day to come and go so I can move on. Or I may need to start looking at other options. Options that help me take time to breathe and relax. I do have some things coming up at the end of September that I have been looking forward to so hopefully those plans will help me keep moving. My shoulder has also been repaired, which means each step I take from here on out is a step up rather than backwards.

I feel like in the last week I have been in a better place. Of course, when I am alone I still find myself thinking about my dad way too often and wishing he was here. I made it through a surgery without him. I handled the stress and emotion that comes with surgery the best way I could. The healing process hasn't been the easiest because sitting at home is not an easy thing for me but I know it's what I need. Mentally it may bring me back a few steps but hopefully it will equal out because physically I will feel much better. I know taking time to heal is the best thing for me but it's probably the thing I am the worst at. Anyone that knows me, knows this to be true. Without a say in the matter I must accept the outcome and rest. My hope is that as my shoulder heals my heart also goes through some more healing. In the past few weeks I have been reminded that grief is there, still living and breathing. No matter how much I want it to be gone I cant run from these feelings. I can't escape the fact that I lost my dad at a young age. It's a part of me and although I am no longer looked at as the girl who lost her dad, the people close to me are still reminded of my journey on those days where all I want to do is cry. Luckily I have a group of people in my life who try to understand what I am going through. It is those people who are there for me on the days where all I need is for someone to be by my side telling me I will make it through this. Although in my heart I know that to be true, it's still nice to hear it at times.

So, with all that being said I will keep walking and keep hoping for a better day. I will work on figuring out my life and regaining the strength I once had to pull through these difficult times. I will rehab my shoulder with everything I have so I can get back to doing the things that I love to do. It will be these things that help me get back to where I was.

God Bles,
Tay

June 11, 2012 in Retrospect

As I sat with my grandma on June 11 2012 I searched through her Bible, which she had got in 1982. The Bible I held in my hand was older then I was and for a moment I felt connected to my grandma in a whole new way. I sat there and read some of the notes she had wrote throughout the years and it brought me back to conversations we had together. I had hoped to sit and read to her but she wanted to rest.

Time passed by and I continued to search for a verse that could bring her peace as she lay still wincing in pain, but nothing seemed like the right words. I knew that there were some verses dealing with death in 1 Thessalonians so I attempted to search for the one I was thinking of. Moments later things took a turn and my attention immediately shifted to my grandma. At 4:16 my grandma would take her last breath. I sat there and held her hand remembering one of the verses that I always had fit her life so well. The verse is 1 John 4:16, which says, 

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." 

I couldn't think of a better verse to explain how my grandma lived her life. She loved the Lord with her entire heart. Even as she fought cancer she never stopped believing in His love and grace. She was a witness to the love of Christ and she had no fear of sharing His love to anyone she came in contact with.

Later that day on the train, I decided to look at 1 Thessalonians 4:16. I felt like her time of death had to have a meaning of some kind. I read what the verse said and also read the ones above and below. I was very surprised to read what verses 13-18 said. 

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. So encourage each other with these words." 

These verses filled my heart with more hope then I have had in months, probably since before my dad passed away. I suddenly felt at ease and could start to process what had taken place not only on this day but every day since December 23, 2010.

I began contemplating life and once again death, however, this time I wasn't as scared. I knew I had been through something difficult and sitting here today I know that it will still be difficult the days that follow. But in retrospect no matter how hard it all was I wouldn't have changed a thing. I can now say that without a doubt, in my situations,  knowing death may occur at any point is much easier then not knowing. I am so thankful that I had the chance to spend the day with my grandma and say everything I said, especially how much I loved her. I am thankful that I had the strength in me to finally listen to the songs played at my fathers service for the first time since that day knowing that they were my grandmas favorite songs. I am thankful she was surrounded by family and love because I know how much pain it brought her knowing my father was alone.

Last but not least, I am thankful God gave me another look at death. A friend mentioned that to me the other day and as I began thinking about it I realized how much truth that statement held. When my dad passed away I was in so much pain and felt so much regret at the things left unsaid. I questioned if I could have done more or should have been there to help him. Like my grandma, l was upset that I wasn't there for him when he needed someone most. The worst part of it all was the fear I lived with for a very long time. The fear that someone else in my life would quickly be taken from me. The fear that I would come home to another note on the door. I was living a lot of aspects of life in fear of what could possibly occur. I had lost all trust with life and I think I even lost some faith in the process of death. I also was unsure how to move on with my life. I felt like I was leaving way too much behind me and that without my dad it wasn't right to move forward.

Moving forward, although hard, has been exactly what I needed. I needed to learn to find happiness again, true happiness. My grandma would tell me all the time that my dad was happy and that he had waited a long time to finally be with his dad. Recently, it hit me that it was selfish of me to be upset and not move forward with my life. My dad never got to have time with his dad that every child truly deserves to have. So, as my grandmas time came near I knew that all I needed to do was reassure her that she could go home. I told her over and over that it was okay and that it was her time to go. As she gasped for air I felt like I could see what was happening. Of all the people in the room I had a huge smile on my face. It felt wrong but I couldn't stop smiling. Her blue eyes stared into mine and she was beaming. Although she wanted to keep fighting she also knew what was in front of her. I wanted her to be free of cancer, free of the burden of carrying a disease that took so much and ultimately free of pain. As I held her hand she would squeeze strongly and I felt her security. That security will never leave me.

It may sound weird to hear me say that I am thankful for a second look at death and it may not be something most people say. However, after the darkness I have lived through since my dad passed, it was pretty amazing to see so much light surround a death. My grandma knew where she was headed, I know where she is and that made everything that much easier. I saw her strength until the end and I know that she lived her life giving everything she possibly could. She had a great life and I feel honored to have been apart of it. Her life is a testimony to the faith and trust one should have, as well as, the love one can have for the Lord. She is amazing in my eyes and I only hope to be as good of a person as she was. Makes perfect sense why my dad was the person he was. They were so much a like. Their hearts and passion for caring for others was always first before all else.

I now have two amazing angels and with them by my side I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I have so much strength carrying me down my life path. I'm not sure where I am headed but I know there is something special ahead. I know with God and my two angels directing my life the possibilities are endless. My life has meaning, your life has meaning and together we can make someone else's life have meaning. We also have the ability to change lives for the better one day at a time. Smile and be thankful for what you do have and try to make the best out of every situation that presents itself. Even in the darkness lies little holes of light and as time passes the world won't seem so dark anymore. The important thing is never give up and never stop fighting!

"To breathe is a hope that we would live for one more second. To pray is a hope that He will watch us for some more time. And to live is a hope that we will keep the lamp of hope kindled."

With Love,

Taylor

Dammi Forza

The title of this blog is "dammi forza", which means "give me strength" in Italian. This has been a statement that I have lived by the past few months since I came across it in September. I was trying to find a specific saying that came across strong for the t-shirts I made for the heart walk. I also wanted there to be a lot of meaning behind the words I chose. I come from an Italian family so the Italian language, although I don't know very many words, is important to me. There is something about other languages that make sentences sound much better. This statement speaks volumes to me because everyday I ask God and my dad to give me the strength to make it through the day. I know that I personally do not have the ability to go about my day without the help of a loving God that blesses me with the world around me.

The reason I brought up this saying is because of what took place tonight. I have been dealing with a lot of different injuries for a long time. Currently I have been dealing with back and hip pain, so I will be getting an MRI to determine what is causing all the pain. The past two months or so I have been under a lot of stress and haven't been sleeping well, which is definitely not helping my situation out.  I am praying that everything turns out fine but I am also hoping that the MRI shows why I have pain in that area.

Tonight was the annual Alumni game at my high school and I was forced with the decision to play or stand and watch. I debated all week because I didn't know what to do. I knew that it probably wasn't a smart decision to play but everything inside of me was telling me I should. My dad loved the alumni game. I think he only missed one since I graduated high school. He would come and watch the team whether I played or not and always had comments to make about what we could do better. I mean plain and simple he pretty much judged what we were doing wrong and wasn't afraid to tell us. But we all loved it. He was a presence in the stands that everyone felt whether we saw him or not. He had this way of making all of us laugh even when things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. Someone the other day said it perfectly to me, they said "your dad was truly an amazing person and I feel honored to have had him as a friend". I too believe that my dad was an amazing individual and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call him my dad.

As I stepped on the field tonight and laced up my boots for the first time in a year, I had a ton of emotion flow through me. I remembered all the days in high school where he would sit in the cold weather and cheer me on. The days it was pouring and nobody wanted to be there, he would sit there and be proud of what I was accomplishing. If I got hurt or needed someone to cheer me up after the game, he was there. He always gave me strength to push myself to the limits I didn't even know I had. I continued to get dressed not sure if I would be able to play or not but that feeling was still in me that I needed to try. I felt that I owed him that. He loved watching me play soccer and I truly believe that it was those times that he was most proud of the person I was. We shared a passion for a sport that became my life from a very young age.

I began warming up and was surprised that I felt pretty good. I told myself that I would try my best but that if the pain became too much I would pull myself out of the game. I haven't touched a soccer ball since my senior game, which was two Novembers ago and would end up being the last game my dad ever saw me play. I did okay tonight, I didn't play how I used to play soccer but I tried my best. I have raspberries all over my left leg and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow but it was something I had to do. Not only did I have to do it for myself but I had to do it for my dad. It was the one risk that I have taken recently that I will except the consequences. Although I have wounds to show that I played, I also scored a goal that was entirely for my dad. We lost the game but it doesn't even matter because I achieved what I needed to. After scoring my way of honoring him was pointing and looking the sky showing that it was his strength that got me through.

Part way through the game I looked down at my finger and read the letters "J.T.A", it was at that time that I knew he was with me. Tonight was the start of a hard week but I have handled it very well so far. A little tears showed up tonight but that is going to happen. Tears will take place this week and probably more then ever but I will except those tears and know that I am still on my way to moving on. I know in my heart that I have grown a lot and I know that I will continue to grow. I am prepared for whatever takes place in the coming days and I pray that the people who are meant to be by my side will be there. I hope that those people aren't there because they feel they have to but rather want to.

I look forward to getting past the year anniversary and allowing myself to continue to heal. The amount of firsts won't happen as much and I feel the cut won't be as deep as it is right now. I am learning to deal with each situation that is presented and I know that I will only get better at controlling my emotions. I have been so incredibly lucky to have people come along side me and walk with me through all of this. For a while I was scared that everyone had disappeared but a few people have constantly reminded me lately that they are here and will do whatever they can to get me through all of this. For those of you who have been there and know what I am going through, I thank you for understanding and taking the time to listen. My one constant prayer through all of this is that those people who have been there will one day be blessed by God and they too will grow in their faith.

With all that said, my night was complete because I scored a goal for my dad and I know he is proud of me. I am sure me playing made him nervous though! :)

Once again thank you for all the support and the constant thoughts and prayers!

God Bless,
Tay

One Step at a Time

I would be lying if I sat here and told people that I was handling the negatives that seem to be engulfing my life in a proper manner, however, I have not allowed myself to lose sight of a better day. As the holidays approach I am unable to see myself making it through the next two months in the "strong" manner that a lot of people hope to see out of me. With that being said, I do plan on giving it my all and proving my ability to make it through each day that I am so blessed to be apart of. There have been days the past few months that have been difficult to make it through and nights that felt as if they would never end. I have looked in the mirror at times and could only see someone that is falling so quickly with no hope of anything better. I began to doubt any reason to keep trying to move forward and lost all self confidence. I saw myself as someone that would never make it through all of this. I attempted to find a way out of feeling like this by keeping busy, going to church, bible study and even asking for prayers from others, something that has never been easy for me. I made some stupid decisions at times knowing where I was headed but felt unable to get out of it. The word stuck started to take on a new meaning. I continued to pray, I prayed for a better day, a day where I didn't cry the entire drive to work, home or to sleep. I noticed I pushed away help and wasn't willing to open up and tell anyone what I was feeling. For some people, reading this blog may be the first time you hear any of this and for others I may not have told you directly but you probably saw it on my face. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve has been the story of my life lately.

However, even with all that being said, there is a love that surrounds my life that is so much greater then anything else in the entire world. I am incredibly blessed to always know that I have a God that is so much bigger then all things. God has promised me a future, a future that is so much better then anything anyone else has to offer. The only thing He asks is that I keep my eyes fixed on the bigger picture and live my life in His honor. One of the verses that has always stuck out in the bible is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In this verse it is clear that being depressed isn't something that God wants to occur for the rest of my life. There are going to be periods in time that are more difficult then others and I believe that continuing to trust that I will make it through these periods in time is key to my success in the coming months. I have to keep taking steps forward and although I may move backwards at times, I can't allow myself to fall back into a place of no hope. Hope is the one thing that will keep my heart searching for something better.

Luckily, sadness isn't something that has to last forever and we are given the strength to break through the hold that depression attempts to have on our lives. As I sat in a lecture this weekend and listened to Gary Gray speak about how the body functions, a course known as chain reaction, I immediately wanted something more for myself. As time has passed I struggled knowing what to do with my life or what was going to make me happy. I have always known that I would do something that consisted of helping people, I have known that since before high school. But, the years passed and questions filled my mind about what I could see myself doing and if I would be good at those things. I have doubted myself more in the past 10 months then ever before. For some reason, losing my dad caused me to question my existence. His death caused me to wonder if I was even worth it and how I could help anyone else when I couldn't even help myself. My dad believed in my goals, my dreams and a future where I could be anything I wanted to be as long as I put my entire heart into it. He was always amazed at my ability to pursue a goal and never give up no matter what it took to get there. Somewhere on the journey through grief I lost the ability to believe in myself and lost the ability to strive to be better.

As I sat in this conference room, I heard the passion that flowed through his voice as he taught lessons on functional movement. Gary Gray in four hours was able to pull something out of me that had been missing for a very long time. I had not sat there very long before realizing that a physical therapist is what I want to be and I am willing to do what it takes to get there. Gary is an inspiration, not only to me, but to a lot of other people who can only hope to have the impact he has had on the lives of those around him. He has an amazing heart, and continues to strive to reach new goals, always wanting to learn and never willing to give up. Within hours of being at the Catamaran I had a smile on my face knowing that I had a purpose and a future. Gary helped me see that I am incredibly passionate about learning how to help people and that my heart is surrounded around one day being the best physical therapist I can be. The steps won't be easy but they will be worth it. The lives I hope to touch will be well worth the sacrifices that have to be made along the way. A spark was ignited and it made me realize that I want to be so much better then the person I currently am. I want to be able to shine Gods light into the lives of hurting and struggling people through caring for them.

I am meant to be a service to those around me and as I continue to learn I will also learn new ways of helping myself through trials. Even once I make it through this tough time, I know there will be more to come and I know that I will be forced to cling to the only thing I know will get me through...God. This post has more importance then most of my posts have had on my life. The purpose behind writing the words in my heart is to be able to come back and read what I said. I no longer want to question what I am meant to do, or doubt my ability. I know what is in my heart no matter how run down I may feel a week or weeks from now. I want to know that the events of the last few days happened for a reason. Spending the weekend with Chels and Megs in Irvine gave me a chance to refresh. It was a much needed break from life in San Diego and I believe it helped me get on track with where I want to go. As I said before it will be a slow process, but all it takes is one step at a time, one step forward no matter how many I take backward.

So, as I finish to take another step forward in this journey, I am thankful for the good and the bad days because I continue to grow. I was blessed to return home from work tonight to a package that I had been waiting for. In this package was a ring, a ring that I created in honor of my dad that I could always wear. The ring is sterling silver and has a carved out tear drop that signifies not only sad but happy tears in his memory. On the inside of the ring there is an engraving, which says "until we meet again", because the Irish blessing that consists of that saying was a favorite to my father who graduated from Notre Dame. The saying also has meaning to me as well because I can't wait until we meet again and until that day is meant to happen I need to live a life that is worth something. I know that my dad wants so much more for me and it wouldn't make him a very proud father if I took the easy road or chose to sell myself short. With that being said, dad, until we meet again I know that God will hold me in the palm of his hand with your hand also playing a big role. I love you with all my heart, always and forever.

God Bless,
Tay

Heart Walk 2011...In Memory of my Pops

On September 17, 2011 I will be participating in the American Heart Association Heart Walk. The walk is in effort to raise money for the American Heart Association in hopes of finding new ways of fighting heart disease and stroke. This event is really important to me because in December of 2010 I lost my father to a heart attack. The heart attack was an unexpected event that took place two days before Christmas. It was on this day that my life would be changed forever.

In 1990 when I was only two years old my father had his first heart attack, he was 40 years old. Unfortunately my dad was all too familiar with this disease because at the age of 16 he lost his father to a heart attack, his dad being only 40 years old. My dad knew of the possibility of dealing with heart disease at a very young age and struggled to live his life without a father. He was the oldest of three other siblings, so my grandma had a handful to deal with. She put her faith in God and knew that the only choice she had was to continue living, not only for herself but also for her children. Her children needed a mother more than they ever had, so for her grieving was something that had to be put on the back burner. Luckily she is an amazingly strong women of God and she was able to rely fully on her faith. My dad struggled and it took a long time for him to realize that the only choice he had was to live his life to the fullest.

After my dads first heart attack he dramatically changed his life. He had always loved exercising but he needed to change his diet. He decided to increase the amount he worked out and trained to run a marathon. My dad ran a number of events around San Diego but his biggest goal would be the day he completed the Rock and Roll Marathon in San Diego. He loved running and found that it allowed him to relax. My mom and dad would go on runs together every weekend and it became something they enjoyed doing together.

Throughout the twenty years that my dad was dealing with heart disease he was in and out of the hospital on numerous occasions. My sophomore year of high school would be the first time that I really understood what was going on with my dad. At the age of two being at the hospital wasn't something I understood, but at the age of fifteen I clearly understood how scary the situation was. As my family and friends waited in the waiting room I remember I was so scared. The doctor came out and told us my dad would have to have open heart surgery. My dads heart had dropped, not from the disease but from the thought of having open heart surgery. He had it in his mind that once he had to have that procedure he would no longer be able to do anything on his own. Open heart surgery was something that scared him to death.

It was at that time that we met Dr. Teirstein at Scripps Green Torrey Pines. He told my dad that he could place stents in the arteries that would act as a balloon and open the artery. I remember how happy my dad was to find someone that had a way of helping him without open heart surgery. He would have five stents placed in multiple arteries but felt so much better. Once again he changed his lifestyle. He changed his entire diet and started researching the best things to eat and not to eat. He had a fire in him that wasn't going to burn out until he did everything in his power to fight this disease. Three years later he would be back in the hospital receiving two more stents. He was now up to seven stents. Once again he researched what else he could do to help keep himself alive. He never stopped searching for new things that he could do.

In April of 2010 my dad would have another heart attack that would leave him in the hospital for a couple days. This time it was the left ventrical that was affected, which is one of the main arteries for blood flow to the heart. The doctor was amazed at my dads ability to constantly fight these blocks and not have more intense heart attacks. He showed my mom and I the picture of my dads heart and how my dads body would build arteries of its own trying to fight the ones that were blocked. Hearing this was truly amazing. I told my mom that God is watching him and that God is with us through this entire process. In November of 2010 the doctor decided to go back in to make sure that the procedure that was down in April was holding up well. They had to do this because my dad didn't have usual side effects, so it was hard to know what was going on. His EKG would be normal, his stress test normal, but as soon as they went in they would come to find out their was a blockage. He would get two more stents, making it 9 total.

About a month later we would lose my dad to a heart attack. We have been told that he more than likely passed away from a blood clot. He had just ran, the thing that he loved to do more than anything, and was on his way home to prepare for Christmas. He was planning on getting all his cards together as they were sitting on the table by his chair. The events of that day are stuck in my mind as if they happened yesterday. I wish with everything I had that I could get rid of those moments but I know it doesn't work like that. We could sit here and try to figure out why a month after his procedure we lost him but all that will do is hold us back from healing. My dad did everything he possibly could to lengthen his life but he wasn't meant to be with us any longer. He taught me what true love is and that is something that nobody can take from me.

Sixty years ago when my grandpa passed away the technology we have now was non-existent. I fully believe that without the AHA and others fighting to find new technology, my dad wouldn't have lived as long as he did. This is the reason that we all need to support AHA and do everything in our power to fight for new technology. You may not have been affected by heart disease just yet, but chances are at some point you will be affected by either a heart attack or stroke. I ask that you join me in my effort to support AHA and to show your love for those who have been affected by heart disease. It would mean the world to me to have people there along side me walking and showing their support. I truly hope that you will have the time to be there on September 17, 2011. Even if you can't donate, I would still love for you to walk with my team.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my dad or wish that he was here. He was my best friend and the most amazing father I could have ever asked for. I was lucky to have 22 years with him and cherish all the memories I have. I know that it's now my duty to show love to anyone I come in contact with just as he did. There is so much of my father in me and I can't let him down. My life goal is to make him proud and to one day be reunited with him, as well as my grandpa.

Personal Page:
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sandiegoca/tayaglio

Team Page:
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sandiegoca/walkersinmemoryofjoeaglio

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you can join me on September 17, 2011.

God Bless,
Tay

A Much Needed Visit

The point of my post tonight is a way for me to not only document something that happened but to also explain situations that occur during the journey through grief. This isn't something that only happens to people that have lost someone but can occur at any point in our lives. Mine just happened to be centered around my dad and the loss that I continue to struggle with. The situation that took place was in a dream and in the middle of the night I woke up wondering if it was real.

Dreams are an interesting thing that a lot of people choose to overlook. The fact is that dreams are normal and are a natural thing for the human body to go through. Once the body reaches REM dreams begin to take place, but if the body never reaches that stage then our minds are deprived of the ability to release emotions. If we didn't dream then we wouldn't have the opportunity to let go of good and bad emotions that we are holding on to without even realizing it. Although dreams are a natural occurrence, they are also used by God in a supernatural way. God uses dreams to speak to us, sometimes to warn, prepare, or even answer prayers. Dreams are an important piece to the communication lines we have with God but at times we choose to overlook the meaning. Not every dream is from God but the ones that are can be placed on our hearts so strongly that we know we have to search for the meaning.

"In the last days, God says, I will pour out my spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams." - Acts 2:17

Since I lost my dad in December most of my dreams have been nightmares and usually consist of me waking up in a panic. None of those nightmares included my dad but I couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't having positive dreams. It also really bothered me that my dad had not showed up in any of those dreams in the past six months. I know that is one way that the dead speak to the ones they love so it's been something I have been praying for every night. To let you all in on something, my prayers every night for a long time have been me asking God to allow me the chance to see or hear from my dad just one more time. I have been reading all these books and visiting websites of people who have had the amazing opportunity to actually visit heaven. These people could recall the events that took place on their journey as if it was a daily thing. It's been hard for me to accept that not everyone gets that chance. I would do anything to know that my dad was okay and that he was happy.

Early this morning I woke up from a dream that would leave me to still wonder what the meaning of it was. However, after I went back to sleep, I woke up again knowing that I had a dream but unaware of every detail that had taken place. Each morning I receive an email that has devotions for women. The devotions are written by other women and explain an event that took place in their lives with an explanation of how God helped them deal with that situation. As I read the devotional this morning it talked about a lady that had wrote down a journal of prayers that she wrote for her family when she had cancer. She had come across this journal and decided to go back and read some of her entries. As I continued to read her story it immediately hit me...

My dream included not only the past but also the present. It was dated back to May of 2010, which was a month after my dad had his small heart-attack scare that left him in the hospital for a day. This same heart-attack was also the cause of the procedure that took place in November and may have been the cause of his death. In my dream my dad had wrote me a letter, which was where I saw the date May 2010. I had found his journal but my mom was mad that I wanted to look at a page he had written. I kept telling her that there was something on my heart and that I needed to follow the signs. She still wasn't willing to let me look through my his journal. While she wasn't there I found the journal and went to the page that I knew I needed to read. On this page were the words, "Tay I just want to let you know that I won't be here much longer and my time has come for me to leave. I am going to be okay and I will be in a much better place. Please don't worry about me, I love you and always will." After he wrote that part was a verse that was written out to its entirety.

"But we ought to always thank God for you, brothers and sisters loved by the Lord, because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth. He called you to this through our gospel, that you might share in the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen in every good deed and and word." 2 Thessalonians 2:13-16

Reading the devotional this morning made everything in my dream fall back into place. The minute I read the word journal I remembered every detail of the dream that had occurred in the middle of my sleep last night. When I woke up from the dream I made sure to write down a few details of the dream in hopes of remembering what had taken place. My first counselor that I had after I loss my dad told me that any time a dream woke me up in the middle of the night I should try to write down a few key things that will help me remember. She understood the impact that dreams can have on a person who is dealing with a loss. It was no coincidence that the devotional was exactly what I needed to help me remember every single piece of the dream puzzle that was falling into place before my eyes. I immediately searched for the verse that was clear in my mind and began to question the meaning behind it. I am not sure if I have completely figured it out but I do know that it was meant to comfort me.

Recently, I have felt very alone. That is nothing against the people that continue to be there for me, but it's just not the same. There is a huge hole that is missing and no one can feel that void. I realize more and more how close me and my dad really were. He was my best friend and he was a huge part of my life. I have done my best to not run away from God and I am not angry at God at all. I know that God is the only one that can help me through this time in my life. The people He has placed around me constantly remind me of how much He loves me. He wouldn't put those people in my life if they weren't meant to be there.

The verse above, so far, is a reminder that God is with me and my dad is also there. It's a statement that is telling me to stay strong and keep allowing God to be there, working daily in my life. Not only should I be thankful for the time I had with my dad but I also should be thankful for the people God has placed in my path. It's a reminder to constantly thank God for the life I have and not take it for granted. It's also a reminder to be strong, to show love, and to start fresh. The ending of the verse is stating that I must start over, a new heart towards the work that needs to be done and the words that come from my mouth. I am not alone, I am never alone, and I truly hope that over time I fully believe those two statements I just made.

I am thankful that my prayer was answered, whether it was a message from God or my dad, it was a nice feeling to wake up to. I am thankful for the people in my life and the people I continue to meet. I am thankful that I have an amazing mom and although we are on different pages, I still know she would be there for me in a heartbeat. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love and by people who want to help me. I truly have some amazing friends and I continue to meet people that care so much about how I am. My life may not be perfect but no matter how bad things get, a huge part of me is always thankful for the impact all of my friends and family have on me. My dad is just as amazing now as he was when he was here on Earth, and for that I am one lucky girl. I love you dad forever and always!

God Bless,
Tay

Per L'amore Del Gioco: For The Love of The Game

I find it to be pretty amazing that events can take place and without even realizing it at the time it becomes a big step forward in my journey through grief. Since my dad passed away it has been very difficult for me to watch any sports events. The only sporting event that I really got into was the games leading up to the Super Bowl because I felt like watching the Pittsburgh Steelers was the one way I could feel close to my dad. I knew in my heart that the last thing my dad would have wanted was for me to stop watching the team that I had followed the entire year. Once the Super Bowl was over I lost interest in all the other teams that I used to follow very closely. The huge Laker fan I once was no longer existed and when people asked me about the Pittsburgh Penguins I was unable to answer any questions. Then there was soccer, a game I grew up playing and then followed that with coaching. However, I no longer cared about the game that I once could not live without.

Soccer was the one thing that could never tear my dad and I apart. We would talk constantly about different tactics that teams needed to work on and our opinions on games that we watched. It was the one sport that always brought us closer. He went to as many of my games as he possibly could and gave up so much of his time to be there for me. My dad was one of my biggest fans and he loved watching me play. There wasn't a lot of things that I thought my dad was proud of me for but one thing is for sure I always knew that he was proud of how I played. It made him so happy to see me challenge myself and push to be the best player I could. He always told me that he was amazed by my ability to fight and to never give up. Soccer was the one thing that I felt like I could never mess up at. When I played well he was extremely happy, when I lost he was still proud of my effort, and when I got hurt he was scared but right by my side through it all.

Even at a young age my dad would always tell me that one day I would make a great coach. He thought that I could see the field differently then a lot of people could and he also said that my ability to be patient with kids would make me such a great mentor. I began to feel that he was right and that coaching was the one thing I wanted to do when I got older. That time came and I found myself coaching girls under 12 for the Ramona Intra Soccer club. I absolutely loved coaching these girls. I was more of a trainer but I had accepted a lot of the coaching roles. Once again I felt like my dad was proud of me. He would come and watch me coach and tell me how well the girls listened to me. He would tell me things I needed to work on and what he noticed about the team but it was a time that I actually felt we understood each other. I continued to coach and began coaching freshman soccer at Ramona High. Not only was I coaching one team but I was coaching girls and boys freshman at the same time. It was a challenge but I loved it.

Fast forward a few years and there I was playing my last game, my senior game of college and I was sick with swine flu, which I was diagnosed with the day before. The morning of the game my dad called me and said, "I know you are sick and hurt but I think you should play as much as you can because I don't want you to regret missing this game." As my parents walked on to the field to meet me for the senior ceremony, I could see how proud they were of me. It was a moment that I will never forget and I am so thankful that my dad was able to see me play one more game for him.

Finally, the present, the most current event, and a change in how I felt about soccer the same day the Womens World Cup was starting. I was invited to a tournament in Temecula with a family that I have become very close with through work. They have been awesome in so many ways and when I was asked to go watch Kirsten play I just couldn't pass it up. I loved every part of the trip; the traveling, the sun, the waiting, watching, and trophy ceremony. It was the first time in a while that I found myself truly enjoying the game of soccer. The first game I found myself just sitting, watching, and smiling at what was in front of me. The second game I was more into it and actually was saying things about what I noticed on the field. I wanted to be involved. I wasn't handling sitting on the sideline very well because I missed what it was like on the field. I honestly can't remember the last time that I truly missed soccer as much as I did on Sunday. It was such a good feeling and as I continued to think about my day in Temecula I realized how much I want to be apart of that.

I don't know what my future is going to be with soccer and I don't even know if I will ever be able to play again but I am thankful I didn't turn down the offer to go to Kirsten's game on Sunday. It was a step forward for me, it was a step in the direction of getting my life to be more normal again. I hope I have some type of future that involves soccer, because I really do love the game. I don't think I will ever not love the game. Yes, I have had some pretty rough moments but I wouldn't take any of those back. I have been feeling some regret lately because of my struggles with my ankle but I don't want to ever regret the fact that I lived and loved the game of soccer. It is for that reason that I do hope one day I am on the sideline coaching or even able to play in another game.

So, without even knowing, I made a huge step in this process and I found a hidden love for a game that will always be a huge piece of my life. I don't want to run away from the game of soccer because the memories that I have are memories that I would never want to forget. Some of my best memories of my dad involve sports and some of my biggest accomplishments consist of things I did on a soccer field. If it wasn't for soccer and my injuries then I wouldn't be in the place I am now. I wouldn't be working at Rehab United and I wouldn't have met all the amazing people that I have had the chance to get to know. It is for that reason that I will not regret playing soccer. I now know that I can't live without the game of soccer even if it's just watching. I am looking forward to the World Cup and I am excited to see how well the USA plays.

I am so glad that I continue to make big strides in healing. Even when I feel like all I am doing is going backwards, there is always one area that I am moving forward. I guess that is what happens when you are apart of something that is constantly shifting up and down. I am not always aware of things that are taking place but at some point I realize the steps I am taking to living the life I once had. The goal is to create a new normal but to not forget about where I came from. Although we are told to not live in the past, I feel as if my past is a big part of my future. My past at this point is the only thing that keeps me close to my dad and reminds me that those memories will always be there, no one can take that away from me.  It's amazing to me how our minds have the ability to choose what it wants to remember and what it should block out without us even realizing it. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to move past the things I need to and to return to those moments when I am prepared to handle them. I was finally prepared to reunite with a game I love so much.

Soccer is apart of me and always will be, I will never lose the love I have for a game that has shaped my life in so many ways.

God Bless,
Tay