My Journey to Now

Leading up to my senior year of college, I had been battling a number of injuries and spending the majority of my time in the athletic training room attempting to rehab my ankles, knees and hips. As a college soccer player it wasn’t unheard of for people to spend a lot of time in the training room but I remember always questioning why so many people lived in that room. Each and every one of us knew it wasn’t a place we wanted to spend our time, however for some reason it was inevitable that we would end up in there at some point or another. After exhausting all other options a teammate recommended I go to Rehab United to be evaluated and my athletic trainer agreed. I remember walking into the building and having this feeling that I was in the right place.  

My evaluation would end up being with one of the most amazing and influential people still in my life today, Arturo. Immediately I knew I was in a place where people cared about me on a level that no other medical professional ever had and their ultimate goal was to get me back on the soccer field. Two times a week I would spend 2+ hours rehabbing my ankle and finally I was seeing changes in strength, mobility, and stability not only of my ankle but my body as a whole. The movements, stretches, exercises, and thought processes were unlike anything I had ever seen before but it was working. It was during this time frame that my idea of physical fitness, therapy, and movement as a whole was transformed into a new philosophy that was being studied by only a small portion of the world. Where did this concept begin you ask?…in a very small town in Michigan known as Adrian.
Now flashback to my childhood years. At a very young age I knew that the profession I chose would be a position where I could influence the lives of other’s. My dad was a Chiropractor and although I knew that was not the career for me, I saw the passion he had and the love he had for every person he came in contact with. He touched lives, as many as he possibly could, and he would continue to do that for the 20 years he practiced. He taught me what love was, what love is and how to show that love even when you feel as if your world is falling apart. He received that strength from his mother, my grandmother, who was one of the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am truly lucky to call both of them family and I am a better human being for not only knowing the both of them but for being blessed to have them as part of my every day. 

In January of 2009 I would begin working as a volunteer for Rehab United in order to complete my senior capstone project. I fell in love with everything about RU and everyone at RU had fully accepted me into their lives. I felt like I was apart of something so much bigger, something that was changing the lives of every person that walked through the door and making people better in more ways than one. It was how I had always witnessed my father care for people and I felt safe in a place that was driven by passion for people. I would later find out that my purpose for being at Rehab United was far beyond anything I could have ever imagined because that following December my dad would pass away from a heart attack and the following June my grandma would pass away from cancer. My two best friends had been ripped away from my life and I felt like I had nothing. I was lost, very lost, but I had reason to be or at least thats what everyone would tell me. I was sad and questioned whether I could continue to make it through each day. Some days I believe the only reason I did make it through was because of God and the hope that I had of one day feeling less heart ache and suffering. So, as most people do I kept moving along one step in front of the other and attempting to make sense of my world that had been flipped upside down. 

At that point in my life I needed something to focus on because what do we do as humans when things aren’t going well, we find that one thing or a few things to take over our thoughts. You may call it running away but at the time the only thing that helps people move on is staying busy. Some people run to things such as; drugs, alcohol, exercise, people, or anything else that seems to make them feel even a little better at the time. For me, it was applied functional science. I chose to suffocate my thoughts into my job and to the people I came in contact with every day. I found this extreme passion for learning this concept that most people had no understanding of and all I wanted was to change the lives of the people walking through the doors of Rehab United. Each night I studied different cases and immersed myself into understanding the biomechanics of the body. I came to work every single day with at least one question and would not quit until I found the answer. I am sure the physical therapists at Rehab United got sick of me at times because I was constantly bothering them. I wanted their eyes, I wanted to see what they were seeing and understand how they could look at a person walking and break down every movement of their body in all three planes of motion. I found myself coming into work hours early for my shift for the sole purpose of being able to sit in on evaluations or even daily treatments without having to work as an aide. The minute I walked out of the building at the end of the day I was completely exhausted and emotionally drained. I spent my drives home crying with an overwhelming feeling of being alone. The worst feeling was walking out of those doors of RU knowing I would have to go home to an empty house without my dad there to ask about my day. Rehab United had become my safe haven, it was a place I could call home where I knew people loved me and supported me. I didn’t want to leave.

Rehab United and Applied Functional Science not only saved my life but it also opened my eyes to a completely different world. Suddenly I gained the ability to look at people and trust in a full recovery, a recovery that would get people back to not only daily function but to any and every goal they had for themselves. I witnessed lives being transformed through love and compassion. My compassion for the injured grew immensely and I began to see both psychological and physical aspects to pain, especially chronic pain. It was no longer about me and my struggles but how I could work on learning to leave my own life struggles at the door in order to fully care for those in need. Some days that wasn’t possible but the coworkers and patients that always had my back made sure that I made it through those days. It wasn’t easy by any means and it was probably more difficult on those people who were there day in and day out, who saw me at my worst and still loved me the same. Every single one of those people brought light into a world that was very dark and they are the people that I can’t even begin to thank enough.

It’s now March 25th 2014 and it has been 4 1/2 years since my world took a turn for the worse. I have went off path a number of times, I have ran away from a lot of things, but one thing I have always done is make sure I face anything I knew I needed to. So, I returned to San Diego from Colorado in order to find myself yet again and work on those things.  Immediately after returning I knew I needed to push myself to make some sort of step forward especially in my career. My client base and class numbers were increasing and my passion for personal training was growing. It was time to accept my position at Rehab United fully in my heart and buy into growing as a personal trainer with the goal of touching as many lives as possible.

I began writing this post on the plane coming home from Adrian, Michigan after attending my first GIFT gathering. For those who don’t know, GIFT is a 40 week online fellowship of Applied Functional Science that includes visiting Adrian three different times for in person lectures about the material. It’s pretty amazing to be in a room filled with over 100 people coming from all different backgrounds including 15 different countries to learn and grasp a concept that seems incredibly foreign to most of them. Some of those 100 people are wondering if they even believe it to be true, however as its performed right in front of their eyes you see the transformation take place in every single one of them. I have been a fortunate one who has been able to learn AFS the past 5 years from some incredibly knowledgeable people at my clinic, which meant very little was new or unknown to me. As usual, my mind was racing with a billion questions. I wanted to pick their brain and understand movements being demonstrated further than what was being discussed. I quickly realized that what I would get out of this course wouldn’t necessarily be the same as every other person sitting in that room. The challenge for me was and is going to be finding ways to use my knowledge to help others grasp a very difficult concept. More importantly what I learned this past weekend was that I must believe in myself and believe in the knowledge I have. In some weird way, Gary Gray allowed me the ability to finally realize that my vision of how the body moves is something special, that I am something special and that I will be given the opportunity to positively alter the lives of every single person that comes into my life. The friendships I will gain and the self belief I will continue to gain means so much more than any course content because it is those things that can change the world we live in.

I am still here today with a purpose of serving others and giving them hope when they struggle to find any on their own. I will have my bad days but I am so much further along then I was months after losing my father. I read something the other day that I had wrote three months after my dad passed that talked about how I couldn’t believe I made it three months without my father by my side. I remember those days. I remember wondering how I could go on, if I could go on, If I even wanted to go on and if I had a purpose to living with my dad no longer being there.  As I look back now those words were coming from a heart that was so pain struck that I had lost all ability to see any sort of light. Those words are crazy to comprehend because there has never been a day that my dad is not with me. People wonder why I am the way that I am and it’s all because of my father. I guarantee that he is living through me in order to continue transforming peoples lives one at a time. It’s weird to acknowledge but I see more of his traits in me now that he is gone than I ever did before. He will always live through me and I know that even in my most difficult moments he will never let me give up because he knows how many people need to feel my love.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for caring so much about me. Thank you to those people who have never given up on me and have always supported every decision I have made. Remember to be grateful for what you have in your life and to never lose compassion for people. We all need to feel loved and if we can just show a little more love each day slowly this world will become a much brighter place. Believe in yourself and believe that you have the power to change others lives.

God Bless,
Taylor

Life Update, Fathers Day, & Love

I find it very interesting that some days I can sit down and complete a blog with very little thought, yet other days clicking publish seems like the most difficult task. I began writing this post a few days ago while sitting at one of my favorite places in Denver. A park known as Wash Park to those who live near it but it's real name being Washington Park. This park has become a spot where I escape daily life, lay with the dogs, write and read. It's the place I am at peace. In San Diego I had my "spots", the spots I always ran to when I needed to be alone. I actually was nervous about not having those places to escape any longer because I knew the meaning they held in my heart. I have been taught over time that it's not necessarily a specific spot that must hold meaning rather the memories that were shared in that place. Those memories can be remembered anywhere you are located and still hold just as much meaning as they once did.

It's been five months since I picked up and left the town I grew up in to move to a new place, a city I am falling in love with more by the day. Denver is very different than any place I have ever been. It's a place that grabs your heart very quickly. I am not even sure what makes it so unique. It could be the people, the atmosphere, weather, or possibly the peace that seems to flow through the cracks in the sidewalk. The question I always get is "why would you move away from San Diego to come here?", but the truth is this place has something that no other city has. A place filled with so many free spirited individuals and a whole lot of happiness. It has taken some time but I am slowly creating my own life in this city. I have been meeting more people and truly enjoying the sunshine. Even on bad days I am able to look around and find joy in the small things. A few months ago I found myself struggling to find purpose. I felt lost. I didn't want to be in San Diego but I didn't feel like I was meant to be here. I questioned my decision to move. I questioned my life, my future, and the choices I had made. As I took a step back and spent some time alone I realized I was closing myself off to what God has for me. Yes, I was in a new place and transitions can be difficult but I wasn't allowing myself the ability to be used. Any chance I had to move forward I nervously pushed myself away, scared of taking that step.

After spending about a week in solitude I quickly understood how my choices were not only affecting my own life but were affecting others as well. As my smile returned my personality quickly returned as well, and the change in others was noticeable. I guess I never realized that a carefree personality really does wear off on people and when it is hiding even those who don't know me are affected. It has been almost a year since I reached the point in grief where my personality returned. The year prior to that I felt lost and had no idea who I was. I went searching to find that person and I was frustrated when my answer seemed lost in the darkness. Even those around me were unable to see "the real tay", and they hoped for that person to return. Being in Denver is teaching me more about myself then I could have ever imagined. People that know nothing about me or my life see me as the person always laughing, smiling and just being a goofball. At work if I am having an off day people wonder why, which is a change because the bad days used to far outweigh the good days. Fortunately those days aren't often. I can remember when every day was filled with a face of pain and suffering. But, the positive is with time the good days happen more often and the bad days are far less frequent.

As for work, I am currently working at Nike and for those of you who know me you are probably reading this thinking "that has to be a dream come true for her!", but I can honestly tell you it is not. You should all be proud though because I am very smart about what I buy! I have only bought two pairs of shoes, one being specifically for running! ;) Anyways, even though I know this job isn't forever I can clearly see why I am in the position I am. After the initial "fun" period passed I had two weeks of hating what I was doing searching for some purpose at a place that took very little thinking to complete. I was mad that the only job I got was a job where my knowledge wasn't being used at all. However, once again I realized I was shutting myself off from what God had for me. My knowledge could be used and more importantly my heart, passion, and joy could be used to make the lives of those around me better. I began seeing a different side to work. I viewed each day as another day to change someones day for the better. I saw my days working in footwear as opportunities to use my knowledge of the body and how it moves. I have provided customers with feedback on injury prevention and different exercises they could do to help injuries such as shin splints and plantar fasciaitis. I take pride in getting them in the proper shoe for how their foot moves and even question managers on shoes that advertise specific functions. In apparel, I try to make the life of the shopper as easy as possible while starting conversations about all sorts of things. I slowly began to understand that every day you can change a life just by acknowledging people and showing interest in their lives. Through those moments I was taught a lot about myself and my daily purpose, not just my purpose for specific careers. No matter where I am or what I am doing I can make a difference in other's lives just by showing love.

I am reminded each day of the genuine compassion my father had. Even on his worst days he made sure to love people with everything he had to offer. Some days it wasn't as much as others but he still gave his everything. If he could live his life in that capacity then I can to. My father is the person I hope to be. I look up to him for his ability to look past the struggles of his life to make the world a better place. I truly believe that he taught me one of the most powerful aspects to life that anyone could ever teach me. Truly loving people can be a difficult task at times but with a heart filled with compassion for those suffering gives the ability to shine light into lives filled with so much darkness. My daily goal is to live for the day and not dwell on the little things. I have a very clear understanding of what my purpose is and because of that I may not be placed in a career or position that I thought was meant to be for me. In fact, more than likely I will find myself doing something I never intended to do. The excitement in that is knowing that God has something so much bigger for my life that I can't even begin to grasp at this time. We all have purpose. That statement alone should fill your heart with such a warm feeling because it's a constant reminder that there is something greater, something you can't even begin to imagine. Take that and run with it. Be used and more importantly be open to being used. Embrace the path you are led on knowing you are not walking it alone.

Father's Day is tomorrow. For some of you it will be a difficult day because you may have lost your father or maybe your father was never apart of your life, and in reality it's never easy to be reminded of that pain. Other's will have an awesome day because you will be spending it by your fathers side showing him that you are grateful for what he has done. My hope for all of you is that you can find something to make your day special. Celebrate and remember those no longer here. Find something that makes you smile because you know they would love what you decided to do. If you are someone who is having a difficult time forgiving your father for what he has done attempt to release that. Maybe even take that step of saying even though he hasn't been a father to me I am stronger than anything holding me back from at least acknowledging this day. Last but not least, show thanks to those fathers still around. Show them how much they mean to you and how thankful you are for what they have done because at some point you will wish you had another day to tell them the stuff that truly matters. Most of us, father or not, have some sort of fatherly influence and that person deserves just as much acknowledgement as the person who was your father.

Personally, my love for my father grows by the day as I am reminded more and more of the love he held in his heart. Although he is no longer here I am experiencing a greater appreciation for the way in which he lived his life. I can't even begin to explain how cool that feeling is. That is the reason that tomorrow I will celebrate and be thankful for every single thing about my father, good or bad. I will never stop loving him or living in his shadow. I can't wait to run tomorrow morning in his honor filled with joy and a huge smile on my face. The greatest gift I can give him is to continue living to the best of my ability and keep that smile on my face that everyone seems to love.

Love you pops with all my heart. Happy Fathers Day and thank you for being the greatest father any girl could have! I am who I am today because of you.

God Bless,
Tay

Expectation of Change

I wrote this yesterday and decided to share. Its a little choppy at times but it was on my heart. It came out on paper exactly how I was feeling as I sat at a coffee shop. I watched the snow outside and contemplated life and where I have come from. The journey I have been led on, the path I have chosen to take, and the many other decisions that have come a long with it. My life is what it is because of the choices I have made. We never know the effect choices will have but must have faith in taking that step. Here are my thoughts on the trials, struggles and pain that comes a long side big choices we make...

There is an expectation that comes along with every big change we choose to make in our lives. The expectation is that the life we were living, the choices we were making, or the position we held beforehand will change for the better. That expectation becomes overwhelming causing a person to hold all decisions on a pedestal, with a hope the outcome only benefits the change. Resting a top the pedestal is all the stress and worry being bottled up from each aspect of the change that was made. It begins to weigh on the person and the effects are shown on the heart, mind, and body. Exhaustion takes on a new meaning. It seems as if exhaustion is the only describing word that can be used due to the effort it takes just to find words for the emotions behind it all. The change no longer seems positive, however, underneath those thoughts it is still possible to see a glimmer of trust in the step that was made. Questioning the decision still occurs daily, wondering if it's possible that the choice may have been the wrong one. The feeling of being alone returns even with people all around. Prayers for understanding weigh heavy on the heart, while hoping for an answer. Nothing seems to make the feelings disappear. Previous heartaches return causing a lingering pain affecting each moment in the day. There is a want for happiness and joy to return in hopes it could overpower the pain. As days pass, the feelings are ever so present causing people to worry. The worry is due to the amount they care, yet there is a wish they didn't. For some reason it feels better to be alone. Working out is what is needed, however the task seems too daunting. The Bible becomes the place answers are searched for. Again, the answer could come in any way as long as an understanding takes place. There is a hope for the suffering to end or a form of light to be seen. In the midst of it all it's difficult to see that an end exists. Although an end is not noticeable at the time, faith allows one to believe none of this can last forever. Being stuck in the middle of the path makes it seem as if life will always be surrounded by pain and struggle. Those on the outside are unable to understand, yet all they want is to help. Wishing they could help causes a runaway mentality to surface due to the pain and inability to help. Being alone and staying away seems like it would be best, but in reality it only makes things harder. Realizing the pain being caused to others only makes everything worse. 

In the midst of all of this the main thing to remember is what God has said. Clinging to verses, quotes, and songs to provide some form of hope. "Don't be afraid, I am there, I am walking with you, and will never leave your side", are just some of the things that ring strongly as if He was truly right there. In fact, in that moment it's important to remember that He is there. God is right along side expecting hope to never be lost. Standing strong in faith and being obedient to what He is asking are His expectations. Spending time attempting to hear Him while also being willing to change the way listening is taking place. He is there, so find Him. If it's felt in the heart, follow that feeling and be willing to trust Him in that moment. Let God work how He may. If God chooses to use you, allow Him to do so and know He is right there. God loves you today the same amount He always has, does, and will. Nothing changes His love. To know that is helpful in knowing that He will bring an end to the pain and suffering. Search for Him, be steadfast in prayer, and find joy in waiting. God is teaching, allow Him the ability to teach. Bring light to dark and live by the guideline that every step should bring God glory. God's light can be seen in every aspect of every day to those willing to notice the beauty. Understand that God is always present and always working in a multitude of ways. When all else fails, cling to God and stay strong. He is there. He fully understands the pain but also doesn't want it to exist forever. There is something special taking place that will benefit His Kingdom. When it's painful to look forward or impossible to look ahead, look to the heavens. It's in those moments that eyes should be locked on God and the beauty in which he created. 

Be honest with yourself and what you are feeling. Understand your emotions are real. What you think and feel are important to healing. Healing will occur. God will bring about healing when it fits his timeline. It can be frustrating at times because the timelines we have don't match up with the timeline God has for our lives. We expect good moments to last forever and bad moments to end before they begin. We want what we want for our lives without being willing to wait on what God specifically has designed for our lives. God was patient through the suffering. He had faith through the trials and trusted what the Lord had said to him. He took each step knowing that the path He was being led on had purpose. Somewhere along the way a culture was created that gave an expectation for trials to end quickly without lessons being understood. There is no purpose for people to be patient through trials with the expectation that it will end quickly. So, as days go by and suffering still exists, the pain only deepens. The hope is that as the amount of trials increase, the number of effects decrease. Learning how to handle those effects and still finding joy in the struggle. The place in which joy is found in the struggle is where Gods love will rest, at the forefront of all suffering. 

God Bless,

Tay

Life: An Updated Version

Drive from SD to CO

Wash Park...beautiful but cold snowy day!

Well, I have been telling myself I would write an update for about two weeks and it obviously hasn't happened. This week marked my third week of being here, yet it feels like I have been living here so much longer. Haven't quite figured out if that's a good thing or not! ;) The drive was miserable, plain and simple. Never again will I drive through the night after spending my last days in San Diego with very little sleep. Just could not stay awake. Luckily Chelsea was with me or I would have been screwed. We started our journey with our final stop being at one of my favorite mexican restaurants located in Poway. We both annihilated a California Burrito, which was a perfect final meal. The next pit stop was Coffee Bean because there are none out here!! :( We then started the journey. We stopped in Vegas for about two hours, contemplated enjoying the night life and staying the night, but after much debate decided to keep the trek going. I drove from San Diego to Vegas and then continued driving after Vegas for maybe two hours. At that point Chels took over and pretty much had to be a soldier the rest of the trip with very little help from me. I could not keep my eyes open to save my life. Luckily, my amazing client Annie sent us on our drive with a ton of food, which provided some energy. Pretty sure I had about four cups of coffee and two cups of soda. I felt horrible! We arrived in Denver at about 10:30 am after leaving San Diego at 3 pm the previous day. Unpacking was not happening, we immediately went to sleep. 

For those who don't know, Chelsea is the friend I am living with and I am so blessed to have her in my life. She has been someone who truly has been there every step of the way showing more love then any one person should show. I have two other roommates and it took no time at all to make friends with them. The dynamic of the house is interesting at times due to the small place and large amount of people but it's nice to already have a good support base. I have only had the opportunity to see Julie once since being here but we are both just trying to get settled with our new lives so that's expected. I have a friend that lives here that went to school with me at SDCC, so he has introduced me to some people who I have hung out with a few times. Schedules haven't made it the easiest to see Laurel but I have had the chance to see her and go out a few times. I also have met an incredible church community who has taken me in and reached out to support me in a number of ways. It's been a blessing having people I am familiar with but those who have taken me in have also had a huge impact on my transition. I am living pretty close to Mile High Stadium making downtown very close and the drive to the smaller areas is easy as well. Like San Diego, I have spent more time at the surrounding cities rather than in the heart of downtown. I am loving the scenery and all the small restaurants, pubs, bars and breweries. There is so much to see in this place and I haven't even seen half of it. 

At this point I really have no complaints. Its been a good transition and I am truly loving the life I am creating here. Very different, yes, but it's a good different. It's been a change of pace for me and has allowed me to really sit down and figure out the things I want for my life. I have some ideas of things I want to do but I am waiting patiently to see where I am being directed. I accepted a position with the Colorado Rapids Soccer Club and will be providing training sessions for kids trying to develop more in soccer. I am excited to be apart of their club and look forward to the possibilities of growth within the club. Besides that, I am having a difficult time finding a place I want to work. I have had some interviews, one being a PT clinic, but my heart has seemed to transfer away from physical therapy. I finished my EMT course and now just waiting to hear if I passed the class so I can take the NREMT. It's been difficult going from constantly busy to having nothing to do. My life hasn't been this calm in years and it's not in me to have such an empty schedule. But, with that I have also realized a lot of very important things about myself. 

Allowing my mind time to rest and heal has been a blessing in disguise. I have found myself spending so much time outside taking in the amazing views. Longboarding has allowed me time to think about my life and the journey I have been on. Coffee shops have become my second home. Running is something I actually enjoy, which has never been the case unless a soccer ball was at my feet. I know it's very corny to say but my time in solitude, whether at a coffee shop or outside has allowed me the ability to feel closer to my dad. He loved the outdoors and found Colorado to be breathtaking. He loved running and was at peace when he hit the open road. While in San Diego I feel like I was trying too hard to find him. I actually would go searching to feel his presence. Now, I feel him because my mind is at peace and I am open to the calmness of life.

In the short time I have been here I can see positive changes. I no longer feel like the girl who lost her father. I actually feel like myself again, the person that existed before my dad passed away. The girl who was laid back, willing to find the good in life and be their for other's in a heartbeat. It was hard for me to be a support to anyone because I felt like my life was too much of a disaster to actually help anyone. I viewed myself as someone who was incredibly lost and would look in the mirror unsure of the person I was. I spent hours attempting to figure out who I was and what I wanted for myself. After a few days of being here I quickly realized that my relationships with people were difficult because of the way I had been defining them. I took every little thing to heart and felt lost when people weren't there for me every second. I expected so much from people and some of my friends could actually feel the pressure of being "the perfect friend" This is not only a personal understanding but an apology to those of you who have consistently stuck by my side. I have began to understand that true friendships don't always have to be so much work or have so many guidelines. Friendships aren't perfect and no two relationships are the same. You don't have to talk to people every day for them to still care and be there. Friendships change throughout our lives and every person in our life has a purpose. Some stay forever and some quickly come into our lives only staying for a short time. Through this understanding I have seen relationships change. I actually talk to my close friends more often and the conversations are so much easier. I don't feel like my world is going to collapse when I don't hear from people. I am content knowing that I am loved by so many amazing people without them having to tell me daily. 

In the coming days I plan to patiently wait for whatever God has in store for me. The path I am led on will be the path I am meant to embark on. Even on the hard days, I look forward to what is ahead. I also have some decisions to make on school and what my future will look like. The possibility of a big change in direction is likely at this point but I am confident that wherever I end up I will have the ability to help and care for those in need. I thank you all for the love and support that has been shown to me with this big leap of faith. And until I see you again, keep smiling and living each day as if it were your last.

With love,
Tay

Heavy On My Heart

Lately I find myself missing you more and more as each day passes. I search for reasons as to why I suddenly feel a huge void again. I thought I was finally reaching a point where I could live each day without constantly thinking about you and the regrets I still hold on to. I try to release these emotions through writing but I seem to get nowhere. I have gone back and read journals. I have spent time alone attempting to figure out some way to make it through life without you here. My days consists of questioning my own feelings and wondering if I can ever have the "bright future" that you once said was ahead of me. Dad you are missed plain and simple. 

I am not one to regret the path I have been led to walk. I have done my best to keep my faith strong as my world felt as if it was crumbling.  My faith has allowed me to see that my life is nothing short of an array of circumstances leading me to the place I currently reside. These circumstances make me who I am, have shaped my life, and light my path. One goal I have is to see the positive side to each trial I am forced to face knowing that the end result will always make me a stronger individual. I have had the chance to see my strength grow in so many different situations. While growing in my strength my faith has also grown, as well as my ability to trust Gods path for my life. Along with the positive result of the circumstances that occur there is also a mental battle that takes place. 

The mental battle that seems to overtake is a fight between what the mind needs and what the heart is lacking. The heart can be lacking a wide variety of things allowing the mind to take over and confusing what you once knew to be right. In my situation, I know my dad is in Heaven with God and beside him is my grandma and grandpa. I also know that all others who have gone before are also with him. I know he is smiling down on me and always with me. I know I am lucky to have such an amazing angel. I also know if my dad was here the last thing he would want is for me to be sad. Although I know each of these things I can also feel the confusion my mind is going through. I can sense the anger that has overtaken my heart. I haven't wanted to be angry but for some reason now I am. The pain has been overbearing at times. The hole in my heart seems to only be increasing. When all is said and done I just miss my dad and wish he were here. 

Grief has a way of creeping up on you and it can bring you down very quickly. Grief also has it's own form of depression and that depression can show up at different points of the journey. Grief is also very personal. It's something that is unique to each person that goes through it. Each of us deals with grief on our own terms and in our own way. Nobody has the right to tell someone who is dealing with a tragic event how they should handle each situation. Death is not dealt with the same by any two people. We each deal with the loss of a loved one in different ways and times. Those of you who have yet to lose someone close to you are unable to prepare yourselves for how you will handle it. There is just no way of knowing how you will respond. Those who understand this or are willing to understand provide the best support for someone grieving. 

Just as one changes with age, one also changes once forced to deal with a tragic event. The person that existed before that day is no longer the same individual. Its near impossible for life changing events to not change the people involved. The word "normal" can no longer be used in the sense of wishing that things or people would go back to how they used to be. My name is still Taylor just as it always has been. The things I once had a passion for I still have a passion for. The things that were important to me are still important to me. If anything those things that were important to me have only grown to be more important. My heart for helping others is now more prominent. The empathy and compassion I once had is now a forefront in my life. The I love you's and hugs are more frequent. The simple ways of reminding people I care about them are a huge part of my daily life. The simple ways of showing people how much they mean is an even bigger deal. No, I am not the same person. I have changed. In some ways I have changed for the worse but at the same time also for the better. That is grief and there is no stopping it. 

I know how difficult it is at times to be supportive to someone who is battling the loss of a loved one. Its a constant struggle and I remember feeling helpless. It was one of the first times in my life where I knew I could do nothing to help other then be there in anyway I possibly knew how. But I also knew in reality it didn't change how they felt.  Each time I contacted the person I was nervous about saying the wrong thing or more importantly not saying enough. I knew I couldn't fill that void they were feeling, yet that was all I wanted to do. Just as I deal with my own grief I also had to learn to deal with a close friends grief. Sometimes I think my friends have it worse. They have to attempt to read my mind and know when I need someone. They spend their days wondering how I am without being able to see me. Once they have me on the phone they feel like the words in their heart aren't good enough for what I need. All they want is to see me smiling again, truly happy and living the life I have always strived to live. I know it's not easy being there for me. I also know how it feels to wish you had your friend back or for things to be how they used to be. The memories you once shared seem as if they no longer matter or better yet they have forgot all about those moments that mean so much to you. The person that once was there for you is unable to fully be there for others because they can't even be there for themselves. You also feel as if you lost someone, your friend. 

I wish I could sit here and say that the person I once was will return one day but I would be lying. Forever, for the rest of my life there will be a huge hole in my heart that can never be filled. Over time I will learn how to live with that space and I will find things that make the hole seem less deep. I will learn to accept what has taken place and no longer feel guilt or regret. People will change my life and help keep me smiling. True happiness will return for good and not just for a few short months. My life will have meaning and the choices I make will impact others in a positive way rather than a negative way. Those close to me will feel like they have their friend back and they won't feel like they have to worry constantly.

For now, although it seems as if I am running away or pushing people away, the truth is I am not. I spend my days trying to figure out ways to make it through this. I pray that God will help me because ultimately He is the only one who can. I keep to myself because I feel it is what I need. Do I want to talk to people about what I am feeling? Of course I do, but I am somewhat at a loss for words for what exactly I am going through. I am unable to fully express how I feel. I have the choice to ask for help when I feel I need to. I also have the choice to not ask for help and attempt to make it through this on my own terms. This is my journey through grief. Ultimately, I am the one who has to make it through this. I am not asking anyone to accept walking it with me especially those who feel they can't. I need time to figure things out. I need to try to work through what I am truly feeling without being told that I am not handling it in the proper way. For once, I need to stop listening to how everyone else wants me to be and do what I feel is best. For some of you it may be hard to do that. As for others, you have been doing that all along. I am not trying to push people away, it's actually the last thing I am trying to do. I am incredibly thankful for the friends I have. I don't have much of a family and a lot of you have become the family I have needed through all of this. I would honestly be lost without some of you by my side. But, right now I just need people to understand that there are a lot of things I need to work through. I am currently taking the steps I feel are right. It may be slower then what you would like or not the way you would process it all, but please be willing to accept it. It's not self-pity although it may look that way. To be honest, I am unsure how to describe it but I am doing some searching within. I am trying to learn to not rely so much on everyone else. I am relying on my faith to get me through this. I am spending more time alone because being around people constantly doesn't help the ones I'm around and doesn't fully help me. Yes, it keeps me smiling and laughing but then I go home an still feel the same way. I don't want it to be that way anymore.

My hope is that each of you who reads this who are also apart of my life takes one second to understand my reasoning for this email. It's not meant to hurt anyone and it definitely has nothing to do with the friends you have been. The purpose is to have an understanding of what is going on in my mind and heart. I also hope you can see where I am coming from even if you don't agree. Once again when all is said and done I fully appreciate what my friends have done for me and will continue to do. I love each of you so very much and I am grateful for your friendship.

With Love,

Tay