A Very Good Update On My Life

It's been a year and 8 months since I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack. My dad was everything to me. He was the one who always supported me and was always there. My friends loved when he was around because he constantly made them laugh. I on the other hand was embarrassed because of the things he would do and say. It's pretty interesting how the minute someone is gone the things you miss the most are the ones that used to annoy you. At this point you no longer consider anything they did to be annoying and the situations that made you mad fade away. The specific times and events that I choose to remember are no longer the moments my dad upset me. To be honest there are only a few memories that truly stand out. 

When you lose someone close to you the world is a much different place. The trials that once seemed impossible to make it through suddenly seem possible. It's amazing but you begin to see the real meaning of life. You start to understand the importance of living each day for what it's worth rather than worrying about what tomorrow will be. You find yourself slowing down enough to really take in what is going on around you. And most importantly you start to realize who and what truly matter. The I love you's become more common and not just to say it but actually putting true meaning behind it. It's an understanding that being able to say those words to that person may never happen again. 

Grief is a word thrown around so frequently. However, it's a word that has a variety of meanings. The way I view grief will be much different then the way someone else views it. My grief is even going to be different then people in my family. It's a hard concept at the time because you feel too much pain to think any one person may be hurting more. It's difficult to see through your own suffering to be there for someone else at their time of need. Unfortunately grief tears people, families and lives apart. It's easy to get stuck in a poor me attitude and never find your way out of it. The reason it's so easy is because you have every right in the world to feel that way. Losing someone you love isn't fair and it's not right but it also happens. Each day a large number of people lose a loved one. The real question is what are you going to do about it? Are you going to never wake up from what has happened in your life and stay miserable forever? Or are you going to wake up each morning and realize that there are things so much greater?

After my dad passed away I was that person that felt lost and unable to see any light. I struggled with the question of being able to go on. Each night I wondered why I was here and couldn't understand why the one person I needed so badly in my life wasn't there for me. I started to think I would never be the same person I once was, the person who loved life and cared so deeply for others. I contemplated my future and at times my existence. I believed in my heart that my life couldn't and wouldn't ever be the same. For the first time in my life I felt hopeless and the fight in me seemed to be diminishing daily. 

I am not exactly sure when things began to change for me but over time it happened. I renewed the hope I once had and understood it would take a lot for me to make it through the death of my father. I accepted the challenge of beginning to rebuild my life and learn to live without my dad. I quickly found myself striving to be the best person I could be each day I was given. Work became much more then a job, my passion grew and I had a drive to work as hard as I could. I found myself understanding why my dad connected so well with patients and I began connecting more with the people around me. I believed in myself and knew I had something to offer. 

At that time I knew I wanted to give back to the association that gave so much. I decided to create a Heart Walk team that would raise money for AHA. A few weeks later I would join forces with Kristen and began Give'N'GetFit aimed at raising money for cancer, heart disease and stroke. Once again I found something that kept my mind off my life and forced me to work as hard as possible. It allowed me to put my passion for serving into something so much greater. I had no time to sit and cry over what I had lost. Of course some days were still difficult but the difficult days were becoming much less often. 

Give'N'GetFit has been a blessing for me. When we began our fundraising journey we never knew it would be where it is now. It has allowed me to cope with my losses and forced me to always find good in what I do each day. I believe in my heart that surrounding myself around so much positivity has helped me cope with my most recent loss, which was the death of my grandma. I am now able to see a new side to death and don't just see the negativity. Death is never going to be easy no matter who it is but behind all the darkness there is a small glimmer of light. If we use that light and allow it to shine we become capable of anything. 

This weekend as I was walking at Relay For Life, it was 2am and all I could think about was the amazing people that surrounded me. I had the chance to listen and learn about people who have had to fight some of the hardest battles anyone has had to face. I have met incredible individuals of all ages that have affected my life in more ways than one. The friendships I have built and the memories shared are everlasting. I finally feel like I know who I am. I have reached a point in this grief journey where I no longer feel lost and no longer question my purpose. My purpose is to continue fighting. Although some are no longer here, I must do what I can while I am still blessed to be on this earth. The fight they attempted to never give up on is now meant to be fought by me in their memory. 

It's amazing to see the support that's all around. People keep asking if I am glad the big events are over and my answer to that is I can't really say. Yes, of course a little break to catch up on sleep is nice but is it weird to say that I am already missing the fact that most of our fundraising for this year is finished. I find myself already thinking about how to make things better for next year. Now that I have seen the growth in just one year, it makes me smile to think of how we can continue to reach new heights. I found myself driving home from work tonight with a constant smile because of the incredible lives being touched through Give'N'GetFit. The most amazing part is the lives that have yet to be affected by one of the diseases but now have a drive to join us in the fight. 

I am excited for what's ahead. I am actually very proud of where I came from and where I am. That's not usually something I would find myself saying but I know that at some point I must give myself credit for what I have achieved since losing my father. I am thankful that my dad and grandma have been by my side helping me to never give up. I look forward to what the next few years will bring. I also look forward to changes in my life that allow me to continue growing. I will welcome those changes because ultimately my main goal is to help as many people as possible. Grief can't decide who you are but if you let it take over it becomes much more difficult to figure out who you once were. Each morning choose life. Choose to find the positives and allow yourself to view the world in its beauty. Slow down and realize there are so many amazing things all around you. Do your best to gain strength with each trial  because without suffering there would be no compassion. Last but not least never give up and don't ever stop smiling!

Dammi Forza

The title of this blog is "dammi forza", which means "give me strength" in Italian. This has been a statement that I have lived by the past few months since I came across it in September. I was trying to find a specific saying that came across strong for the t-shirts I made for the heart walk. I also wanted there to be a lot of meaning behind the words I chose. I come from an Italian family so the Italian language, although I don't know very many words, is important to me. There is something about other languages that make sentences sound much better. This statement speaks volumes to me because everyday I ask God and my dad to give me the strength to make it through the day. I know that I personally do not have the ability to go about my day without the help of a loving God that blesses me with the world around me.

The reason I brought up this saying is because of what took place tonight. I have been dealing with a lot of different injuries for a long time. Currently I have been dealing with back and hip pain, so I will be getting an MRI to determine what is causing all the pain. The past two months or so I have been under a lot of stress and haven't been sleeping well, which is definitely not helping my situation out.  I am praying that everything turns out fine but I am also hoping that the MRI shows why I have pain in that area.

Tonight was the annual Alumni game at my high school and I was forced with the decision to play or stand and watch. I debated all week because I didn't know what to do. I knew that it probably wasn't a smart decision to play but everything inside of me was telling me I should. My dad loved the alumni game. I think he only missed one since I graduated high school. He would come and watch the team whether I played or not and always had comments to make about what we could do better. I mean plain and simple he pretty much judged what we were doing wrong and wasn't afraid to tell us. But we all loved it. He was a presence in the stands that everyone felt whether we saw him or not. He had this way of making all of us laugh even when things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. Someone the other day said it perfectly to me, they said "your dad was truly an amazing person and I feel honored to have had him as a friend". I too believe that my dad was an amazing individual and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call him my dad.

As I stepped on the field tonight and laced up my boots for the first time in a year, I had a ton of emotion flow through me. I remembered all the days in high school where he would sit in the cold weather and cheer me on. The days it was pouring and nobody wanted to be there, he would sit there and be proud of what I was accomplishing. If I got hurt or needed someone to cheer me up after the game, he was there. He always gave me strength to push myself to the limits I didn't even know I had. I continued to get dressed not sure if I would be able to play or not but that feeling was still in me that I needed to try. I felt that I owed him that. He loved watching me play soccer and I truly believe that it was those times that he was most proud of the person I was. We shared a passion for a sport that became my life from a very young age.

I began warming up and was surprised that I felt pretty good. I told myself that I would try my best but that if the pain became too much I would pull myself out of the game. I haven't touched a soccer ball since my senior game, which was two Novembers ago and would end up being the last game my dad ever saw me play. I did okay tonight, I didn't play how I used to play soccer but I tried my best. I have raspberries all over my left leg and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow but it was something I had to do. Not only did I have to do it for myself but I had to do it for my dad. It was the one risk that I have taken recently that I will except the consequences. Although I have wounds to show that I played, I also scored a goal that was entirely for my dad. We lost the game but it doesn't even matter because I achieved what I needed to. After scoring my way of honoring him was pointing and looking the sky showing that it was his strength that got me through.

Part way through the game I looked down at my finger and read the letters "J.T.A", it was at that time that I knew he was with me. Tonight was the start of a hard week but I have handled it very well so far. A little tears showed up tonight but that is going to happen. Tears will take place this week and probably more then ever but I will except those tears and know that I am still on my way to moving on. I know in my heart that I have grown a lot and I know that I will continue to grow. I am prepared for whatever takes place in the coming days and I pray that the people who are meant to be by my side will be there. I hope that those people aren't there because they feel they have to but rather want to.

I look forward to getting past the year anniversary and allowing myself to continue to heal. The amount of firsts won't happen as much and I feel the cut won't be as deep as it is right now. I am learning to deal with each situation that is presented and I know that I will only get better at controlling my emotions. I have been so incredibly lucky to have people come along side me and walk with me through all of this. For a while I was scared that everyone had disappeared but a few people have constantly reminded me lately that they are here and will do whatever they can to get me through all of this. For those of you who have been there and know what I am going through, I thank you for understanding and taking the time to listen. My one constant prayer through all of this is that those people who have been there will one day be blessed by God and they too will grow in their faith.

With all that said, my night was complete because I scored a goal for my dad and I know he is proud of me. I am sure me playing made him nervous though! :)

Once again thank you for all the support and the constant thoughts and prayers!

God Bless,
Tay

Per L'amore Del Gioco: For The Love of The Game

I find it to be pretty amazing that events can take place and without even realizing it at the time it becomes a big step forward in my journey through grief. Since my dad passed away it has been very difficult for me to watch any sports events. The only sporting event that I really got into was the games leading up to the Super Bowl because I felt like watching the Pittsburgh Steelers was the one way I could feel close to my dad. I knew in my heart that the last thing my dad would have wanted was for me to stop watching the team that I had followed the entire year. Once the Super Bowl was over I lost interest in all the other teams that I used to follow very closely. The huge Laker fan I once was no longer existed and when people asked me about the Pittsburgh Penguins I was unable to answer any questions. Then there was soccer, a game I grew up playing and then followed that with coaching. However, I no longer cared about the game that I once could not live without.

Soccer was the one thing that could never tear my dad and I apart. We would talk constantly about different tactics that teams needed to work on and our opinions on games that we watched. It was the one sport that always brought us closer. He went to as many of my games as he possibly could and gave up so much of his time to be there for me. My dad was one of my biggest fans and he loved watching me play. There wasn't a lot of things that I thought my dad was proud of me for but one thing is for sure I always knew that he was proud of how I played. It made him so happy to see me challenge myself and push to be the best player I could. He always told me that he was amazed by my ability to fight and to never give up. Soccer was the one thing that I felt like I could never mess up at. When I played well he was extremely happy, when I lost he was still proud of my effort, and when I got hurt he was scared but right by my side through it all.

Even at a young age my dad would always tell me that one day I would make a great coach. He thought that I could see the field differently then a lot of people could and he also said that my ability to be patient with kids would make me such a great mentor. I began to feel that he was right and that coaching was the one thing I wanted to do when I got older. That time came and I found myself coaching girls under 12 for the Ramona Intra Soccer club. I absolutely loved coaching these girls. I was more of a trainer but I had accepted a lot of the coaching roles. Once again I felt like my dad was proud of me. He would come and watch me coach and tell me how well the girls listened to me. He would tell me things I needed to work on and what he noticed about the team but it was a time that I actually felt we understood each other. I continued to coach and began coaching freshman soccer at Ramona High. Not only was I coaching one team but I was coaching girls and boys freshman at the same time. It was a challenge but I loved it.

Fast forward a few years and there I was playing my last game, my senior game of college and I was sick with swine flu, which I was diagnosed with the day before. The morning of the game my dad called me and said, "I know you are sick and hurt but I think you should play as much as you can because I don't want you to regret missing this game." As my parents walked on to the field to meet me for the senior ceremony, I could see how proud they were of me. It was a moment that I will never forget and I am so thankful that my dad was able to see me play one more game for him.

Finally, the present, the most current event, and a change in how I felt about soccer the same day the Womens World Cup was starting. I was invited to a tournament in Temecula with a family that I have become very close with through work. They have been awesome in so many ways and when I was asked to go watch Kirsten play I just couldn't pass it up. I loved every part of the trip; the traveling, the sun, the waiting, watching, and trophy ceremony. It was the first time in a while that I found myself truly enjoying the game of soccer. The first game I found myself just sitting, watching, and smiling at what was in front of me. The second game I was more into it and actually was saying things about what I noticed on the field. I wanted to be involved. I wasn't handling sitting on the sideline very well because I missed what it was like on the field. I honestly can't remember the last time that I truly missed soccer as much as I did on Sunday. It was such a good feeling and as I continued to think about my day in Temecula I realized how much I want to be apart of that.

I don't know what my future is going to be with soccer and I don't even know if I will ever be able to play again but I am thankful I didn't turn down the offer to go to Kirsten's game on Sunday. It was a step forward for me, it was a step in the direction of getting my life to be more normal again. I hope I have some type of future that involves soccer, because I really do love the game. I don't think I will ever not love the game. Yes, I have had some pretty rough moments but I wouldn't take any of those back. I have been feeling some regret lately because of my struggles with my ankle but I don't want to ever regret the fact that I lived and loved the game of soccer. It is for that reason that I do hope one day I am on the sideline coaching or even able to play in another game.

So, without even knowing, I made a huge step in this process and I found a hidden love for a game that will always be a huge piece of my life. I don't want to run away from the game of soccer because the memories that I have are memories that I would never want to forget. Some of my best memories of my dad involve sports and some of my biggest accomplishments consist of things I did on a soccer field. If it wasn't for soccer and my injuries then I wouldn't be in the place I am now. I wouldn't be working at Rehab United and I wouldn't have met all the amazing people that I have had the chance to get to know. It is for that reason that I will not regret playing soccer. I now know that I can't live without the game of soccer even if it's just watching. I am looking forward to the World Cup and I am excited to see how well the USA plays.

I am so glad that I continue to make big strides in healing. Even when I feel like all I am doing is going backwards, there is always one area that I am moving forward. I guess that is what happens when you are apart of something that is constantly shifting up and down. I am not always aware of things that are taking place but at some point I realize the steps I am taking to living the life I once had. The goal is to create a new normal but to not forget about where I came from. Although we are told to not live in the past, I feel as if my past is a big part of my future. My past at this point is the only thing that keeps me close to my dad and reminds me that those memories will always be there, no one can take that away from me.  It's amazing to me how our minds have the ability to choose what it wants to remember and what it should block out without us even realizing it. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to move past the things I need to and to return to those moments when I am prepared to handle them. I was finally prepared to reunite with a game I love so much.

Soccer is apart of me and always will be, I will never lose the love I have for a game that has shaped my life in so many ways.

God Bless,
Tay