Good thoughts, good friends!

When I write I allow myself to freely open up and let out things that tend to be difficult for me to speak. I am not necessarily afraid to be honest but at times I find it hard to find the words that I need to say when I am sitting right in front of someone. I write to find myself and to learn new things about who I am. A lot of times I write about the conversations I have with people and I share my thoughts after processing what has been said. I enjoy writing but I have also found that at times my words tend to be directed towards people that don't deserve it. I am never purposely attacking people in my blogs but I do know that when my emotions are high and I sit down to write, there is a pretty good chance that what I say could possibly hurt someone else. I need to write because it's an escape for me but I also need to be careful that I am not just writing when I am upset or frustrated with certain situations. Through all of this I have been learning so much lately and I can't say that I would change any of it.

Things have been pretty rough the past week and it was to be expected, but I am thankful for how it played out because of where I am now. I honestly learned a lot about myself. I also learned a lot about this good ol' process that I keep speaking of. It's an ever changing thing and it's constantly catching me off guard. But while it constantly catches me off guard it also is catching the people around me off guard as well. My friends have been amazing. All of them have, even when I have been very difficult to deal with. I am working on finding the balance that is needed to not only help myself but to also help them. I know that at times people have no clue what to do for me or what to say, but every little thing means so much. I know that there has been points where I acted like I didn't appreciate anything and I apologize for that. I know how difficult it is for my friends that are close and I also know how difficult it is for those friends who can't be there every day and don't live near me. Each of you wants what's best for me and each of you are finding so many different ways to show you care. It all means so much to me and I know that I would be in a dark hole without all of you.

I am improving and each one of you continues to help me improve. Your love, support, and constant care is what helps me keep fighting each day. You have all been my strength when I didn't think I had anything to live for. No matter how frustrated I get or how mad, don't ever think that the sacrifices you have each made have ever gone unnoticed. I will do my best to make your lives easier and to voice what I need. I wish I didn't need so much but there are times where just knowing I am loved and cared about means so much. I am finding ways to enjoy myself and being able to workout is definitely helping. It gives me a way to release some of those emotions and to not bottle in so much pain. I love being able to have something that I can do for me, something that gives me time to be alone and not have to worry. I have found that my time at the gym almost causes everything else in my life to pause for a little while, even if it's only for a couple hours. It helps me smile more, which is something everyone wants. I know how much everyone wants to see me happy and hopefully the steps I am taking will continue to improve my life.

I know next weekend will be a little difficult because Easter was something we did as a family. I will miss having my dad here for Easter dinner but I will also make it through with the support of those around me. With my mom by my side we will enjoy the day in his honor. I also know that once this week is over things will calm down for a little while. The big events won't be happening as frequently, which will allow me some time to heal. These are steps that have to be taken and I realized that as much as I want them to pass quickly, they have to occur for me to heal.

I am so thankful for the support I had this week, which came from all over. People really stepped up and helped my mom and I make it through. I felt so much love surrounding me and it was a feeling I needed. I also finished the week off with a good weekend filled with good times with friends and also time with my mom. It's important for me to find time to enjoy my life with my friends but also find time to spend with my family. We are all grieving so differently but we can also help one another so much. I have been very distant from a lot of the people in my family because I just needed time to grieve. Sometimes we just need our own time to figure out our life and figure out how we need to move on. The past couple months have been that way. I feel guilty at times for being so selfish but I know that most of the time they understand. No matter what I still love them and they all mean so much to me. All of you mean a lot to me and I have no problem admitting that I would not be where I am without any of you. Thank you for being there and for giving up so much of your time to be there for me. Thank you for immediately dropping things just to help me or talk to me. I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life and I thank God that I do every night.

With Love,
Tay

Happy Birthday Pops

A year ago today my dad turned 60 years old, which means today would have been his 61st birthday. A year ago tomorrow he had a heart attack that would not only change the next year but would change my life and my family's life forever. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was at school and I got a phone call from my mom telling me that she was taking my dad to the hospital. They had plans to go to Julian for the weekend but those plans were immediately put on hold due to his health. I would end up spending the weekend in the hospital with my dad while he had tests done and also a stent placed in the left main artery. I was scared but I also knew that my dad would fight this one just like he fought every other one. I did my best to reassure my mom that there was good to come from the situation. I said God always has something up his sleeve to bring good out of bad. Recently there has been a lot of bad and it's been very difficult to see the good but it's there. My dads last few months after his 60th birthday were filled with so much love. He proved to me in that time why I always knew he would be there. From graduation, to life struggles, to injuries and then surgery, he was always there.

Once again tonight I saw how God takes extremely difficult situations and brings light to them. I had a horrible week, plain and simple. To some it may have seemed self caused, which in a sense it was. I actually learned a lot about panic this week and I was able to control it at times. There were other times where I was unable to control what was going on and I was scared. I never really realized how extreme panic attacks can be. Luckily I had some awesome people around me that were able to calm me down and constantly remind me that I would make it through this week. In fact, today was one of my best days of the entire week. You may find it surprising to hear that but I think I prepared myself for it to be so difficult and had my day planned out pretty well that it made things so much smoother.

This morning I went to the gym and worked out. I haven't been running but I felt that I needed to run for my dad. He loved running and it was something I could do that made me feel closer to him. I ran on the treadmill for one mile and I thought of him the entire time. Today was also my best day of counseling but also my worst. I opened up so much easier today than I usually do. I had a lot to talk about and I felt like I just couldn't stop talking. Usually I struggle to always find things I want to say or feel that I need to say. The hard part of my appointment today was that I had to say bye to my counselor. I had felt like I really began to connect with her so it was very difficult to say goodbye. It was really nice to hear her talk about how much she has seen me grow as a person. It made me realize that in less than four months I have made some pretty big improvements whether others see it or not doesn't matter.

After counseling I got to spend time at my work doing physical therapy. I had a really good visit and made some pretty huge gains with my ankle. It was nice to get my ankle moving and to be able to squat evenly with both legs. My back has been the issue lately so being able to finally switch gears again and spend some time on my ankle was a really awesome feeling. I was doing exercises and couldn't stop smiling because I was actually able to perform stuff that I used to be able to do. I still have to be very smart about weights I use and how much I push myself but it really is nice to be working out again.

I finished out my day at Stone Brewery where I was accompanied by a lot of important people. It started off being Theresa and Ali, then Arturo, Deana, and Arturito. The last two people to show up were my mom and Cheryl. It was important to my mom that we do something fun to celebrate my dads birthday. I was a little overwhelmed with trying to get the whole thing planned but it turned out to be really nice. It was something he would have loved to do.

As hard as this week was for me it was really nice that today went pretty smoothly. I prayed all week that I would make it through this day and that I would smile because of the life he lived. I felt that all I could do was smile today. I felt like he was with me all day. It was a very weird feeling but I honestly never felt alone. I told myself last night that I wanted today to happen how it was meant to happen. I didn't wake up expecting it to be hard, instead I woke up knowing what the day was but knowing my dad would want me to enjoy it in his honor. I will admit that at times this week I was freaking myself out a little too much but I just didn't know what to expect. I wanted to be ready for whatever was going to happen and I felt that I was dealing with everything the best I could. Maybe it didn't seem like the best way but all I can say is I did what I could.

I am doing my best to handle these big events in the only way I know how to. Truth is I really don't know how to deal with them, so I have to just take them how they happen and go with what I am given at the time. It can be frustrating at times when some days seem so good and others seem horrible but I am doing my best to deal with all of it. I learned this week that maybe I prepared too much, I don't really know. I also don't know what not preparing would have done because I feel like I would have been decent the past couple days but a mess today. All I can say is I am trying.

Some of my goals from here on out are to continue to grow as a person and to continue to find new ways of coping with everything. I have found this process to be more then just grieving over my dad and the loss that has occurred in my life. It's a process that I can't even begin to describe because there are so many different aspects. The situations I have had to deal with have made everything that much harder. I have realized that it is time for me to take a step back from things and almost take a step back from life. I need a break and not just a day or two days. I need to go somewhere that actually allows me some time to grieve and to face some of the things that I am not allowing myself to face right now. I am honestly exhausted and just drained with having to constantly think. I need to stop worrying so much about things I can't change and I also need to start focusing on me. I need to trust myself and trust what I feel rather then asking and listening to everyone around me. I can make my own decisions and whatever I feel is best for me is what I need to do.

I am thankful for this week. It taught me a lot about myself, others, and how to deal with different types of situations. Nothing about this week was easy and it still isn't over, but I know that just like today, I will make it through tomorrow. I will be thankful for the fact that my dad isn't spending the weekend after his birthday in the hospital. I will be thankful that he is free of pain and medicine. I am thankful for the ability he had to touch people's lives in so many different ways. He was special to me but it's amazing to hear how special he was to so many others.

Happy Birthday Pops! I love you so incredibly much and miss you more then you or anyone else even knows! I know that you understand what I am going through, not many do but I do know that you are one of them. I wish you were here to give me advice on how to handle all the things I am dealing with, but I know that you will guide me through it all in some way or another. Thank you for being the best dad a girl could want. Sleep well my amazing angel and don't ever stop smiling!

God Bless,
Tay

One day I will be better...I promise...

Tonight I had the pleasure of going to dinner with one of my dads best friends and it was one of the first nights that it truly felt good to reminisce of memories. We spoke of moments that we each had with my dad and it really was nice to laugh about all the amazingly random things that he did. He was always doing something that just made me stand there and shake my head, feeling embarrassed but loving him for who he was. People loved him, they really loved being around him. As I listened to stories it brought me back to the days that we had with him and although I missed them so much, I was able to find happiness in the time I had with him. That feeling has been there at times but it was really with me tonight. I missed him and I wanted him there but I was still able to smile. It felt good, it really did.

I want to be happy for the time I had with him. Everything in me wants to just be happy, knowing that I had more time then some people ever have with their parents. But this is one thing that I will admit I am selfish about...I wanted more time. Twenty two years just wasn't enough and maybe admitting that is something I needed to do. This isn't easy and I am done trying to act or even tell myself that this should be easier. Yes, I absolutely hate the word process. I have heard it daily and that's honestly not a lie...but I do know that it is. I told a friend the other day that I am so sick of hearing about this "process" but really it's all you can call it. It's a battle that I can't just beat in one or two days. A battle I have no control over and the minute I do I understand why I should never think that I do.

I have been so frustrated lately. Frustrated with people and with my life. I have been angry at all the people that don't deserve for me to be angry at them. I have felt lost and confused with how to move on with my life. I have said things that I wish I could take back. I knew there would come a time when I said things that I didn't want to because my emotions got the best of me. I was told that it would happen but I thought I would be different. I was wrong. The real person I was frustrated with was myself. I didn't know what I wanted and I wasn't strong enough to ask for what I knew I needed. I will admit it I was weak, maybe weaker then I have ever been. There were two weeks where I didn't think I could make it and everything in me wanted to just give up.

I am sorry. I am saying it out to the world that I am sorry for how I have been. Things I have said, the way I have acted and the way I have been living my days. Anyone that has had to either see me or hear me, I am sorry. My friends have been awesome and I have had people step up and be there when I never expected it. I need to learn that I can't expect in this situation. People are doing everything they can to help me and at times they don't even know what to do. I have been there. I have been in the spot where I had no clue how to help but I knew I wanted to. There have been a few people that have had to see me more often then others. They have watched me go from extreme joy to extreme depression. I can't really imagine what they are going through. I am thankful for the people I have around me. No matter what I know that if I ever needed someone that I have a number of people that would be there for me in an instant. I am so incredibly lucky to have that. I have hurt people that don't deserve to be hurt and I feel horrible for it. No one that is trying to help deserves that. I am trying, I really am. I hope everyone understands that I am not meaning to be a certain way and if I could I would just be normal all the time. I want it to be back to the old days where every aspect of life was enjoyable and where I could go out and not be thinking constantly. One day it will be like that and one day life will be a little more normal.

Tonight I drove one of my dads favorite roads, which by the way my mom absolutely hated, but he loved it. He always thought it was fun because of how many turns there are and just relaxing because not many people travel it. My mom hates it because of those turns and she always got upset with how my dad would drive. I decided to take Highland Valley home tonight, the road my dad loved. I am not a fan of this road at times, especially being the passenger but I felt the need to drive it. As I was driving this road I felt at peace and it was a peace that I haven't felt recently. I started to think about memories with my dad and it immediately turned into thinking about everyone in my life and my attitude on living right now. From there the thoughts went into what my dad would want of me. My dad would never want me to be sad and hating life. He would want me to live, to live as full as I could. He definitely wouldn't want me to take it out on anyone around me.

I have a few important things that I really need to work on. The first was talking to people close to me about how I felt at this point and what was going through my mind. For the most part I have talked to a lot of the people that needed to be talked to. My next goal is to ask for help more and to go to people when I need someone. I need to stop expecting people to ask me if I am okay and I also need to be honest when they do ask me. Usually I say "everything is fine" or "I am good, don't worry", which is a cover up because I don't want to say what's really going on. People care...they are never going to stop caring, but at times they don't know what I want or need. At those times when I feel like no one cares I need to allow someone to show me they are there. I need to be able to accept the fact that my life is not going well right now and there will be points that I just need a friend. I need to trust in my heart that at those times someone will be there. I need people to be honest with me, as hard as it is for me to hear it, I need to. I can't promise I will react the same way each time but I will do my best to listen and handle it well. I know that in the end all people want is to see me happy and enjoying my life again.

I hope all of you know how thankful I really am for everything that you do for me. Whether it's a daily act of kindness or a once in the blue moon kinda deal. I appreciate all of it no matter how I act at the time. I wanted everyone to know how sorry I am for the last few weeks. They were extremely hard and I didn't see myself ever moving past it. I was wrong...the past few days have been good, and today was a really good day. I had a good day at work today and a good dinner outing with my mom and family friends. I also have been working out more this week and my body is feeling a little more normal then it had been. I am taking it easy but also enjoying it so much I want to exercise constantly. I need to be patient and allow myself the time to heal, ha both mentally and physically. Patience, patience, patience! Obviously a key thing for me is just giving myself time. I need to not rush myself through all this. There is no specific time-line and there is no specific way for me to be dealing with all this. I guess I can honestly say that I will have my own journey through grief. As all these people write that line in their books, I never really thought about how that same line now fits my life. My own journey, my own story, and my own understanding of what the definition of grief means in my own life. That last sentence pretty much means that at the end of all this the definition of grief will only fit my situation. No one I know will ever grieve exactly like me unless God has something to do with it. There is no set way of how people should be, whether books say there are or not. As time goes on the days will be easier and living won't be so hard. I will be okay, I will make it even on those days I feel like I can't.

I hope the days continue to go well and that I continue to make improvements in my life. I won't stop finding new ways of helping myself and at this point I am willing to give most things a try if it's truly what I need. Be patient with me and know that I am sorry that I have been difficult to be around and to help at times. I will continue to work on listening to peoples advice and not allowing my mind to completely change what is being sad. I am blessed to have so many amazing people in my life and I really am thankful for each one of you. I love you all.

Love always,
Tay

People Always Leave

My favorite show used to be One Tree Hill, which I started watching when I was in high school. Each week I would run to the TV at 8 or 9 o'clock as if my life would end if I missed one episode. In fact if I knew I was going to miss an episode I would record it so I could watch it later or I would watch it online the first day it was available. When I was in high school the show was also representing events that took place in a high school setting. I felt like I could relate to what they were going through as most high school students probably did. The person I thought I related the most to was Peyton. She lived a life of struggle, she kept to herself and pretended to be strong when in reality she was hurting so bad inside. She constantly seemed to be losing someone close to her.

My life has consisted of one difficult time after another, yet I also understand that things could be much worse. No matter how bad my life has been at times there are always worse things that could happen. I have constantly done my best to put everything I possibly could into my friendships and relationships. At times I feel as if I put too much effort into the people in my life and too much time, but I also believe that's the main reason that we are all here. We are here to serve others and give our all to those around us no matter what we are dealing with. Maybe I give too much and exhaust too much effort into people that just don't care. I don't really know how to not care about people, it's just who I am. Because of how I have grown up I also expect that from everyone else. I think I expect too much from people at times, which leaves me to sit here feeling like no one is there.

The purpose of starting this post by talking about Peyton was because of a saying that she said so often that has recently been stuck in my head. The saying she would write on her drawings was, "people always leave". Although her life was made up, she lived her life watching people come in and out of her life. These people would leave for different reasons but it scared her to ever become close to anyone. I have struggled most of my life opening up to people. The idea of trusting people with my inner feelings always scared me so much. I thought that if I let people know what I was really feeling then I would be opening myself up to getting hurt. I spent a lot of years hiding and faking I was this tough person that could get through anything without anyone. Throughout that time I have seen a couple of my closest friends walk out of my life. But, I have also learned a lot from those friendships and relationships. It has made me who I am today whether that is a good thing or not, I do not know.

The past few years just seem like one person after another leaves my life. My close friends in Kansas all went back home and started their new lives, which is completely understandable. The friends I made at SDCC who became almost like family to me also left to go back home or to start different paths. The friends I still have from high school that have always been there don't live close to me. I now lost my dad who was like a best friend to me and at the same time my brother has decided he no longer wants to be apart of my life. I do have some awesome people around me that live in San Diego but everyone still has their own lives.

Tragic events seem to cause people to open their hearts to others for a very short period. If there is one thing that I have learned throughout this process, its the fact that three, four, five months down the road people still need someone there. They still need those people to show concern and to let you know that you are not alone. I know people are there, but I don't have the strength in me to ask for help. The outpouring of support was constant for the first month and as time has gone on people have left. My mom has felt like everyone close to her besides family has disappeared. I have done my best to explain to her that they too need time to heal and time to grieve, but she struggles with the fact that she feels so alone at times. As I explain to her what others are going through I think to myself, "I say all this to you, yet I don't even believe it because I too feel like I am all alone at times". She always says to me that it's great that everyone is able to get back to their lives like nothing happened, while we sit here still hurting over our loss. It's hard for me to say anything back to that because it's so true. Anyone that has lost someone or is struggling with something goes through the exact same thing. In reality, the only one that is there is God, but sometimes it's real hard to feel that He is there. I have learned that people always need others no matter how much they act like they don't. I also now understand that months down the road it's important for friends to still show love and support. When people are grieving they need more support at this time then they did the first month. These are important things for me to learn. Although it's a rough road I am grateful that at some point I will understand what friends are feeling, maybe not completely but at least a little.

I am thankful for the people who are still there. The ones who still call and text me just to see how I am doing. Those small acts of showing concern can sometimes turn my day around. It's nice just to know that people are there and are thinking about me. I know that has a very selfish tone to it, and I apologize for that. I am trying my best to fight this battle without bothering people but I have also realized how impossible that is. There is no way to get through this without support and love, which is two things that I lost so much of when my dad passed away. I am doing everything I can to help myself and at times I don't even think people are aware of everything I really am doing. I am not giving up by any means, in fact I have made some really tough steps forward attempting to make things better for myself. I know that everything I am doing will one day help me more then it is today, but I wish it could show signs of helping right now. I feel like people look at me as if I am just a mess, someone who is just unhappy and depressed. I hate being known as that type of person. Everything in me wants to be happy and I make conscious decisions to be happy, however it's not always that easy. This isn't just a bad day or a bad situation, this is a horrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel as if my whole life is shattered and I am left to pick up the pieces, but I will make something of all those pieces. The pieces will be put back together, slowly yes, but at some point it will happen.

I have faith that there is a reason I am going through this. Each of us has to have faith. We must have faith that we go through certain things for a reason. Nobody enjoys going through pain. I can definitely tell you that I am not glad that I have had to go through any of the pain that I have been faced with, especially not this. But if we don't go through pain then we never gain courage to fight and we also never understand what true joy feels like. It is for these two reasons that we must embrace pain. It's like that quote says that we must use pain as fuel for our journey. The only thing that helps me keep fighting is knowing that behind all this there is something good that will come of it. There is a purpose behind all the pain I am feeling, both emotional and physical.

All I can say is don't give up...whatever it is you are fighting, keep fighting. People always leave...but sometimes...sometimes they come back.

God Bless,
Tay

Current Feelings

Usually when I write it's because something during my day caused me to rethink or possibly realize certain things that are taking place in my life. I write not only to express myself but to also hope that someone else can get something out of what I talk about. Tonight I am writing to release some of the things I have been holding on to and to get out in the open what has been going on with me lately. I guess you could look at this blog as an update of what is going on in my life, especially for those of you who don't see me regularly.

It's been three months since my dad passed away and I would love to say that things are getting easier but that's not the case. I am realizing that although grief is something that really can't be explained, there are a lot of similar emotions that people deal with at some point during their journey. The difficult thing is the fact that each emotion hits people at different times. The process of grief isn't something that can be explained very easily or even understood by anyone that hasn't actually gone through it. The one thing that everyone agrees on is the fact that grief is one of the most difficult journeys to go through. It's filled with extreme up's and down's and it can cause you to be overcome with joy one minute and crying the next. Most of the time these feelings can't be controlled and you must allow these emotions to run their course.

Lately I have noticed a lot of changes in my daily life. I am still struggling to sleep at night and if I do fall asleep, it's hard to stay asleep. My mind is constantly racing with a million and one thoughts about things I have no control over. The worst part about that is I can sit here and admit that I have no control over these situations but can't stop worrying. I am someone who worries about a lot of things even when I know it's out of my control. I try to be the strong one, the person who takes on as much as possible so nobody else has to, proving I am more like my dad then I ever would have admitted before now. The most recent thing I have been struggling with are panic attacks. I thought I knew what a panic attack was, but now I know that I never actually understood what was happening. The times I thought I was having an attack, I really wasn't. I also feel bad for ever telling someone to just relax because it's not that easy. These attacks happen without notice and they range in the amount of time they last. It's one of the oddest feelings I have ever had to deal with. The fact that whatever is going on is out of my control is difficult for me to accept, yet not accepting what is going on only makes it worse. I am constantly exhausted. I fight so many emotions trying to make it through my day the best I can that by late afternoon I am drained, emotionally and physically.

I have learned a lot about the connection between physical pain and emotional pain. I have seen my inner struggles be manifested into physical pain within seconds of thinking or being told of something difficult for me to hear. On days that my physical pain is unbearable my mind also seems to struggle with life as a whole. Noticing the correlation between the two has actually helped me some of the days because I have been able to understand my physical pain and fight to keep my mind in a positive place. It's amazing how for the most part the two are often connected with one another, yet in reality we have control over the shift in our mind. We have the ability to not allow physical pain to manifest into a mental breakdown. I have been doing my best to keep my mind in a positive place, which is why the panic attacks are so difficult for me to handle. These are all such new emotions, emotions that I don't really understand and may never understand. I am doing my best but don't really feel that my best is good enough right now. I feel at times that I could be handling everything much better then I am. I know I am doing everything I can for the most part, but that still doesn't make me feel any different about how I am dealing with it all.

Another thing that has constantly been on my mind is my future. I honestly have no clue what I want to do. I thought I knew but now I really have no idea. I also am lost with when to move on with everything. I feel like if I was to be in school right now it would be useless because I wouldn't be able to focus and I wouldn't have the motivation to do my best. I can't even sit down and read for enjoyment let alone read a textbook. How do I know when it's right to start living more normal? I don't want to look back on my life and not remember anything I was taught or what classes I was even in. I want to keep living and I am trying to live as normal as possible but I just don't know if jumping into school is the best thing for me right now. I am at a point in all this that I have no clue what I want or what I should do. I feel so lost. I have never wanted time to move so fast, yet also want it to slow down. These feelings are so strange. If I could just figure out what I want or what is best for me then things would be a lot easier. I know that I shouldn't worry about all of this and I know that I have no control over what happens but I am scared. I am scared that I am going to fail and not make something of myself. I have never been so scared in my entire life. All of this is so hard and I know life isn't easy but with all that is going on my future seems so far away. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to fall apart. I just want to be given some kind of sign that everything will be okay.

I have been reading the verse Jeremiah 29:11 over and over, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", yet I feel as if there are no plans for my life as of right now. This verse seems to pop up at the times I need it the most but like I said before I am just scared of the place I am sitting currently. The best thing for me to do right now is just take some time to breathe and calm down. I am causing myself to panic so much about all the things that are currently taking place. Between everything going on with my grandma's to trying to help my mom, it's just exhausting. I don't know what to do for anyone, I don't know how to help. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to live as normal as I can, but every day is more and more difficult. I feel horrible for even feeling like this because I know that other people have it so much worse. I am actually lucky to have a lot of the stuff I have and I am grateful for all the good in my life. I knew this would be hard but I guess I expected it to be a little easier then it is. It's like I am crumbling to pieces and the one who used to be there to pick all those up is no longer here.

Since my dad passed away this is probably the most I have expressed my inner feelings on my blog where all could see. I am not one to show weakness and I hate being in a position where I feel vulnerable but I have been adding to this post for days. I kept thinking that I didn't want to put this up and allow anyone to see it but then I felt that I needed to. I needed to get all this stuff out because I have been holding on to it for a couple weeks. I have been acting as a container lately and my container is overflowing with different thoughts. At least on here people can choose to read or not read. I usually don't even know who has actually been reading what I write. I am not giving up so hopefully this isn't that negative. I am going to keep fighting to work through all of this, I just don't really know what it's going to look like to everyone else. I feel like I need to hide, but hiding is probably not the answer. I just have to keep doing my best because right now my best is all I got.

God Bless,
Tay

Remember Me

It's been three months...three long but extremely fast months. The length of time without having my dad here seems like forever even though in reality it really hasn't been very long at all. I never could have prepared myself for something like this, and it makes me wonder how people do. I know that no matter what losing someone is hard but some have said that being able to prepare makes it a little easier. I wouldn't know the answer to that but I couldn't imagine it being any easier. The void that is left is so great that preparing for that feeling seems impossible.

On days like today, days that tend to symbolize some kind of meaning in this journey, I usually try to prepare myself for what could possibly happen. This morning on my way to work I asked my dad to be with me, I asked him to give me strength to make it through the day the best I could. He was with me and he gave me that strength, but I also realized that if I constantly think about the possibility of something being hard that it's going to make it even more difficult. It's important for me to prepare because it allows me to be ready for anything but I also need to make sure that I am not over preparing. Over preparing tends to back fire in this type of situation and it's also exhausting. At times I find myself trying so hard to be happy that I am actually thinking about it too much and not allowing myself to just live. I have it in my head that I have to be smiling and laughing all the time, which at times causes me to feel more separated from the people and things surrounding me. I found myself hitting an extreme wall today and being completely out of it for a long period of time. Once my mind gets into that spot it's difficult to find my way out of it. I am not sure if this is just how it's going to be for a while or what but it's hard to fall into that mental barrier.

I need to work on a lot of things but one thing is just living. I need to allow myself to feel the necessary feelings for that day rather then trying to figure out ways around it. I have always been so hard on myself when I can't control my emotions or figure out how to not show what's going on, which makes this process that much harder. I have noticed that I try so hard to be happy because I know it's what everyone else wants to see and in return I hold in what's really going on. I have gone back to being the person that holds everything in instead of opening up and letting people see what's taking place on the inside. I think that is part of the reason that my extremely difficult days always make me feel like I will never make it through all of this. Another thing I need to accept and admit is that I am going through something that is very difficult. There is no right or wrong way to dealing with a loss. It doesn't matter how many books I read or grief pages I look at, because my process isn't going to be anything like that. There will be similarities and the ideas will definitely be helpful but it won't be exactly the same. Between the loss of my dad and the physical pain I have been in, I am dealing with a lot. The things that have always helped me get through tough situations seem to be constantly taken away from me. I have had to find other ways to cope with the pain and stress that has taken over my life at times. I have found joy in my work, I love talking and caring for other people but at times I find myself forgetting how much that means to me. When things in my life become to overpowering I notice that it's harder for me to make it through the day without getting annoyed or aggravated by little things. This feeling has been occurring more recently and it's a feeling I am not okay with. The last thing I want to lose passion for is my job.

My job is to help others, to provide people with the care and support that they deserve. The incredible care that my dad showed on a day to day basis to every person he came in contact with, especially his patients. Being at work makes me feel closer to my dad. I feel like it's a place that I can make him proud and it's a bond that we always had that no one else in my family understand. We were able to talk about our days and talk about medical situations knowing that the other person would understand. I loved telling my dad about my day. It was so exciting to come home and tell him what I learned or tell him nice things that people said to me. I miss having that person to talk to that was excited about what happened throughout my day. Even though my dad is no longer here, work is a place that still makes me feel like I have a close connection with him. These past three months, work has been the biggest enjoyment because I feel my dad with me. I can't and don't want to lose that enjoyment.

Although multiple things have been taken from me, I will not allow my attitude at work to also change. I can make it through this. I can fight through those bad days and bring about positives in the lives of others. I am thankful that today was a good day and that I was able to keep a positive attitude for the most part. Some moments were harder than others and later in the day seemed to be more difficult but I made it through. At some point this day wont be a "hard day" anymore. It will just be like any other day. I will know that my dad is with me just as much on this day as he is every day. I also won't feel like I have to ask him to be with me or ask him to give me strength. In fact, I don't need to ask him that now either. He is my strength, he is my angel and he is proud of me more and more as each day passes.

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant but it is very important that you do it because you can't know, you can't ever really know the meaning of your life. And you don't need to, just know that your life has a meaning. Every life has a meaning whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred seconds. Every life and every death changes the world in its own way. Ghandi knew this, he knew his life would mean something to someone, somewhere, somehow. And he knew with as much certainty that he could never know that meaning...He understood that enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it. And so do I. You can't know...So don't take it for granted...But don't take it too seriously...Don't postpone what you want...Don't leave anything misunderstood...Make sure the people you care about know...Make sure they know how you really feel...Because just like that...It could end."

This quote is from the movie Remember Me, which is centered around 9/11. When I watched this movie the first time I wrote the quote that is written above but forgot where I had put it. As I looked through my emails the other day I went to the note section, which is sent from my phone and dated August 6th was an email with the quote written out in full. I am glad that I wrote this quote out because the words are amazing and I feel that it speaks volumes.

Every single day is important and every event that occurs has some kind of significance in our lives. We don't always know the impact we have on others, we don't even know the impact we have on the people we are around on a daily basis. I doubt my dad had any idea of the impact he had on so many people. The stories, the cards, the comments and the legacy that he has left behind is absolutely amazing. It has proven to me that all you can do is live the life you have been given. Some have it harder than others and some are expected to fight through much harder situations but no matter what it is that you struggle with, it's a struggle you were meant to go through. We are all meant to fight, we were never promised an easy life but always remember that the life you live has an importance. The choices we make and where we end up is what is supposed to happen. We are placed where we can be of help to others and where we can serve.

I have been lucky enough to see the power of love. I had the opportunity to see the true meaning of how you love and care for people whether others feel they deserve it or not. For 21 years I watched my dad give his whole heart to the people he came in contact with, a heart that wasn't even strong enough to fight off the horrible battle that takes place for people with Heart Disease. He never understood why he was the one battling Heart Disease when he exercised and cared about his health so much. He wouldn't allow himself to think about why those who didn't care about their health weren't the ones struggling. He accepted his condition and attempted to enjoy life the best he could with the time he was given. My dad chose life rather than fearing death. In the end, I choose to remember my dad for the love he showed my family. His life had extreme meaning for each of us, his life changed my life and most of the people that knew him. And...his death changed our lives dramatically. We lost strength and we lost a lot of love. Those two things are not easy to move on without but I know that my dad would want me to. He would want me to show that strength and love to every person that I happen to meet on my life journey. More importantly he would want me to show that to my family and friends...the two things that were so important to him. I love my dad and I miss him so much. I have faith that one day the pain wont be so bad and I will finally be happy again. I can't wait for that day.

*One last thing...I ask that special prayers be centered around people in Pittsburgh. There are three special people that need lots of prayers as they continue to battle health issues. My mom's mom is now included in that and she definitely needs some strength from God. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support for my family.

Love always,
Tay

Sweet Silver Lining

"I’m going home
Downhearted and hoping
I’m close to some new beginning
I know
There’s a reason for everything
That comes and goes

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Somethings keeping me safe
And alive

I wont give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that Ive found it
Nothing can take that away"

If I had to pick a song that fit the way I was feeling, this would be the song. I first heard Kate Voegele's music on One Tree Hill when I was going to school in Kansas. Around this same time of year my roommates and I realized that her tour dates consisted of three states that were very close to where we were. One concert was actually in Kansas, one was in Missouri and the other Nebraska. We traveled the states following Kate and the other two bands that were playing with her. Her music became my life soundtrack, the lyrics just seemed to fit my life in so many different ways. As I was driving the other day, this song came on. It was a day that I was really struggling and I just couldn't see past my pain.

Tonight the song came on again as I was driving home...

Today was a different day then Saturday. I was in a different place then I was that day, both mentally and physically. I had a relaxing day today, got a massage and had a physical therapy appointment. I have actually started to enjoy my days off. I am realizing that allowing myself time not to think about life as a whole is a good thing. My physical therapy appointment went really well today, which was the first time it had been good in over a week. I didn't exactly workout but it was more than I had been able to do since my bike ride last Tuesday. Today was filled with a lot of positive's but it was important for me to see them as positive's even though I would have wanted certain things to be better. I needed for today to be good, it felt like I was due for a good day. It was weird for me at the time because I felt so out of it all day. It was as if I didn't understand what was happening to me at the time. I haven't really felt like myself lately but all I can do is keep hoping for my life to change a bit.

Now back to the purpose behind the lyrics...

I needed to hear that song tonight. As I listened to the lyrics again, I began to think about what it was saying in a different way. Instead of focusing on the negative words, I was able to understand the purpose behind the song, the positive meaning. Dark clouds bring storms and storms bring rain, which is the reason clouds usually signify something bad. But as you listen or read the rest of the song it talks about a sweet silver lining. The dark clouds that cover the sky only last a short time and then as the light shines through we are able to see a bright light. That light tells us that the storm is almost over and the sun will be shining soon.

When you hear the saying "clouds with that sweet silver lining", it means that no matter how bad it seems at the time there will be a point where things get better or there will be a short period where life isn't too bad. It may only be enough to get you through one day, but sometimes all we need is one good day to give us the hope to keep going.

"I may be weak but I’m never defeated And I’ll keep believing In clouds with that sweet silver lining"

These three lines are the lyrics that stick out to me the most. Because I do believe that one day I will be happy again and my life will be different. I don't know if normal is the right word to use but I must understand that there is going to be a new normal at some point. My mom and I are already having to get used to a new normal, a normal that we aren't very comfortable with. Everything is a new challenge and we are left to figure out how to deal with each one the best we can. At some point we won't expect everything to be so hard and living won't be so exhausting. There will come a time where we are able to live a life that is closer to what it used to be. I will keep believing that day will happen and I honestly can't wait until it does. That doesn't mean that I wont still miss my dad or wish he was here, but I will be able to live a more normal life knowing that he is with me every step of the way.

Hope is a word used very often by people going through all different kinds of struggles. No matter what the struggle may be the word still means the same thing. Each person is hoping for a silver lining around all the pain and hardship. Staying hopeful through trials is the most important thing. Having faith to keep walking without knowing what's ahead is never easy but it's worth it. I have faith that God will use all of my pain for something much bigger, something that is so much better than being depressed and miserable. I know that I am being prepared for something, and I may not know what that something is for a long time but I do know that it will be clear sooner or later. All I can do right now is hang on to that faith and keep hoping that happiness shows up sooner rather than later.

I am thankful that I can think clearly some days because it helps me remember that I can always make it through the hard days. I was forced to grow up much quicker then I would have wanted to but I am also learning a lot about myself. I am learning how to handle a wide array of emotions. I never thought I could go through such a wide array of emotions, at least not more then I already had, but I was wrong. I remember in those moments thinking I will never get through this, but I did, which is how I know I will make it this time too. I have amazing strength all around me and the days where I can't seem to fight, the right people are there to pick me up and let me know that I can get through it. I know I will be okay, I have no other choice but to keep fighting and believe.

Love always,

Tay