A Very Good Update On My Life

It's been a year and 8 months since I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack. My dad was everything to me. He was the one who always supported me and was always there. My friends loved when he was around because he constantly made them laugh. I on the other hand was embarrassed because of the things he would do and say. It's pretty interesting how the minute someone is gone the things you miss the most are the ones that used to annoy you. At this point you no longer consider anything they did to be annoying and the situations that made you mad fade away. The specific times and events that I choose to remember are no longer the moments my dad upset me. To be honest there are only a few memories that truly stand out. 

When you lose someone close to you the world is a much different place. The trials that once seemed impossible to make it through suddenly seem possible. It's amazing but you begin to see the real meaning of life. You start to understand the importance of living each day for what it's worth rather than worrying about what tomorrow will be. You find yourself slowing down enough to really take in what is going on around you. And most importantly you start to realize who and what truly matter. The I love you's become more common and not just to say it but actually putting true meaning behind it. It's an understanding that being able to say those words to that person may never happen again. 

Grief is a word thrown around so frequently. However, it's a word that has a variety of meanings. The way I view grief will be much different then the way someone else views it. My grief is even going to be different then people in my family. It's a hard concept at the time because you feel too much pain to think any one person may be hurting more. It's difficult to see through your own suffering to be there for someone else at their time of need. Unfortunately grief tears people, families and lives apart. It's easy to get stuck in a poor me attitude and never find your way out of it. The reason it's so easy is because you have every right in the world to feel that way. Losing someone you love isn't fair and it's not right but it also happens. Each day a large number of people lose a loved one. The real question is what are you going to do about it? Are you going to never wake up from what has happened in your life and stay miserable forever? Or are you going to wake up each morning and realize that there are things so much greater?

After my dad passed away I was that person that felt lost and unable to see any light. I struggled with the question of being able to go on. Each night I wondered why I was here and couldn't understand why the one person I needed so badly in my life wasn't there for me. I started to think I would never be the same person I once was, the person who loved life and cared so deeply for others. I contemplated my future and at times my existence. I believed in my heart that my life couldn't and wouldn't ever be the same. For the first time in my life I felt hopeless and the fight in me seemed to be diminishing daily. 

I am not exactly sure when things began to change for me but over time it happened. I renewed the hope I once had and understood it would take a lot for me to make it through the death of my father. I accepted the challenge of beginning to rebuild my life and learn to live without my dad. I quickly found myself striving to be the best person I could be each day I was given. Work became much more then a job, my passion grew and I had a drive to work as hard as I could. I found myself understanding why my dad connected so well with patients and I began connecting more with the people around me. I believed in myself and knew I had something to offer. 

At that time I knew I wanted to give back to the association that gave so much. I decided to create a Heart Walk team that would raise money for AHA. A few weeks later I would join forces with Kristen and began Give'N'GetFit aimed at raising money for cancer, heart disease and stroke. Once again I found something that kept my mind off my life and forced me to work as hard as possible. It allowed me to put my passion for serving into something so much greater. I had no time to sit and cry over what I had lost. Of course some days were still difficult but the difficult days were becoming much less often. 

Give'N'GetFit has been a blessing for me. When we began our fundraising journey we never knew it would be where it is now. It has allowed me to cope with my losses and forced me to always find good in what I do each day. I believe in my heart that surrounding myself around so much positivity has helped me cope with my most recent loss, which was the death of my grandma. I am now able to see a new side to death and don't just see the negativity. Death is never going to be easy no matter who it is but behind all the darkness there is a small glimmer of light. If we use that light and allow it to shine we become capable of anything. 

This weekend as I was walking at Relay For Life, it was 2am and all I could think about was the amazing people that surrounded me. I had the chance to listen and learn about people who have had to fight some of the hardest battles anyone has had to face. I have met incredible individuals of all ages that have affected my life in more ways than one. The friendships I have built and the memories shared are everlasting. I finally feel like I know who I am. I have reached a point in this grief journey where I no longer feel lost and no longer question my purpose. My purpose is to continue fighting. Although some are no longer here, I must do what I can while I am still blessed to be on this earth. The fight they attempted to never give up on is now meant to be fought by me in their memory. 

It's amazing to see the support that's all around. People keep asking if I am glad the big events are over and my answer to that is I can't really say. Yes, of course a little break to catch up on sleep is nice but is it weird to say that I am already missing the fact that most of our fundraising for this year is finished. I find myself already thinking about how to make things better for next year. Now that I have seen the growth in just one year, it makes me smile to think of how we can continue to reach new heights. I found myself driving home from work tonight with a constant smile because of the incredible lives being touched through Give'N'GetFit. The most amazing part is the lives that have yet to be affected by one of the diseases but now have a drive to join us in the fight. 

I am excited for what's ahead. I am actually very proud of where I came from and where I am. That's not usually something I would find myself saying but I know that at some point I must give myself credit for what I have achieved since losing my father. I am thankful that my dad and grandma have been by my side helping me to never give up. I look forward to what the next few years will bring. I also look forward to changes in my life that allow me to continue growing. I will welcome those changes because ultimately my main goal is to help as many people as possible. Grief can't decide who you are but if you let it take over it becomes much more difficult to figure out who you once were. Each morning choose life. Choose to find the positives and allow yourself to view the world in its beauty. Slow down and realize there are so many amazing things all around you. Do your best to gain strength with each trial  because without suffering there would be no compassion. Last but not least never give up and don't ever stop smiling!

1st Annual Give'N'GetFit Golf Tourney

I attempted to blog last night knowing that writing was needed in order for me to move forward. However, as I read those words this morning I didn't feel the same way. Today was a hard day for me. I'm not exactly sure why but getting back into things was far from easy. My thoughts have been racing since Saturday causing me to feel very emotional at times. Exhaustion probably isn't helping at all. However, please know these thoughts are not negative by any means. I am rather overtaken by joy and appreciation! Thoughts of my dad have been at a constant since Saturday, which has made me want to escape life for a little and once again work through what is going on in my head. Of course I miss him, but on Saturday I wanted him by my side. I wanted him to see what we had done and needed to know that he was proud of me. I know he is proud of me but having that person actually tell you that means so much more. 

Saturday July 21st, 2012 will go down as the day we put on our 1st Annual Give'N'GetFit Golf tournament. Although we only spent two months planning, it felt as if it took much longer. I have a new found respect for every single person who attempts big fundraising events. Not to say that we didn't learn some of this last year with our first ever attempt at fundraising, but this was different. The weeks leading up were filled with little sleep, a variety of emotions and a schedule that left very little time to even breathe. Thankfully being so busy allowed me to stay focused on the task ahead rather then anything else.

My dad loved to golf. He felt that the minute you stepped foot on the course nothing else in life mattered. It allowed him time to take in the world in a very different manner then his everyday life. He found joy in forgetting the stress of his life and bonding with friends. I truly believe that on Saturday a number of people felt that same emotion. It was such a beautiful day and Mt Woodson is absolutely breathtaking. I couldn't have asked for a better place to hold our first ever golf tournament. Kristen and I were amazed at the emotions that filled the air by each and every person. On this day, one person after another showed their love and support to the two of us. They expressed their sincere gratitude in our fight for these two causes. It was pretty awesome to see the effect this event had on a lot of people. The stories shared, the smiles and the pictures are constant reminders that what we are fighting for is something that affects so many others. The small things about this tournament made it completely worth it. It proved to me that people really can gain hope through another's fight, as well as their story.

Our tournament consisted of 58 golfers and at least another 15 volunteers. In my eyes that is such an incredible turn out. Two weeks ago we were very nervous that our efforts would come short of our goal. Kevin, Kristen, myself and so many others buckled down and fought to make it everything it turned out to be.  I am thankful for the effort so many of you put out to get us the numbers we had. I am also so grateful to have two amazing people by my side that believe there is so much more to life.This tournament would have been impossible without the help of Kevin. He was our golf knowledge and provided us with every detail we needed to make this tournament successful. On top of that he was support on days where we questioned if things would workout. Each day we all grew closer and found out things we probably never wanted to find out lol but it was a blast. Kristen has been just like a big sister should be. She has been there since the day my dad passed and has provided me with so much support. Our hearts are similar in a lot of ways, which gives us this incredible strength to never stop fighting for what we believe. Being able to team up with people that are willing to fight as hard as you are only changes more lives in the process. I feel blessed to have you both in my life and hope you both feel proud of what we have achieved.

We are unsure at this point how much money we raised on Saturday but in reality it's not important. This tournament proved to me that awareness is just as important if not more important. I witnessed first hand lives being touched by the support shown on one day. Each of you that showed up affected the lives of so many others. Your support and willingness to spend money on a cause is proof that among all the negative in this world there is still so much positive. I fully believe that each of us has the ability to change the lives of at least one person. We have the ability to bring more good into this world and more smiles. No matter what your circumstance may be, step back, look around and notice you have a place here on earth. You have a chance each day to touch a life but you must believe that as one person you can make a difference.

I am proud of what GIve'N'GetFit has been able to achieve thus far. I am proud to be apart of something that is slowly changing the lives of so many people. Our efforts won't stop here. We hope to continue this fight for the rest of our lives. The story behind why we fight will never die and we will continue to make our mark on this world. It's like that quote says, "people may not remember exactly what you said, but they will remember what you did and how you made them feel." My personal goal is to never lose hope and never stop fighting.

Thank you again. Thank you for being there and showing your support. I appreciate the texts and calls from those of you who could not be there. We had a blast and the pictures are proof of that. Keep fighting and never stop showing others the love in your heart. God Bless!

Two amazing people! Love you both! :)

Much Love,

Tay Tay

June 11, 2012 in Retrospect

As I sat with my grandma on June 11 2012 I searched through her Bible, which she had got in 1982. The Bible I held in my hand was older then I was and for a moment I felt connected to my grandma in a whole new way. I sat there and read some of the notes she had wrote throughout the years and it brought me back to conversations we had together. I had hoped to sit and read to her but she wanted to rest.

Time passed by and I continued to search for a verse that could bring her peace as she lay still wincing in pain, but nothing seemed like the right words. I knew that there were some verses dealing with death in 1 Thessalonians so I attempted to search for the one I was thinking of. Moments later things took a turn and my attention immediately shifted to my grandma. At 4:16 my grandma would take her last breath. I sat there and held her hand remembering one of the verses that I always had fit her life so well. The verse is 1 John 4:16, which says, 

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." 

I couldn't think of a better verse to explain how my grandma lived her life. She loved the Lord with her entire heart. Even as she fought cancer she never stopped believing in His love and grace. She was a witness to the love of Christ and she had no fear of sharing His love to anyone she came in contact with.

Later that day on the train, I decided to look at 1 Thessalonians 4:16. I felt like her time of death had to have a meaning of some kind. I read what the verse said and also read the ones above and below. I was very surprised to read what verses 13-18 said. 

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. So encourage each other with these words." 

These verses filled my heart with more hope then I have had in months, probably since before my dad passed away. I suddenly felt at ease and could start to process what had taken place not only on this day but every day since December 23, 2010.

I began contemplating life and once again death, however, this time I wasn't as scared. I knew I had been through something difficult and sitting here today I know that it will still be difficult the days that follow. But in retrospect no matter how hard it all was I wouldn't have changed a thing. I can now say that without a doubt, in my situations,  knowing death may occur at any point is much easier then not knowing. I am so thankful that I had the chance to spend the day with my grandma and say everything I said, especially how much I loved her. I am thankful that I had the strength in me to finally listen to the songs played at my fathers service for the first time since that day knowing that they were my grandmas favorite songs. I am thankful she was surrounded by family and love because I know how much pain it brought her knowing my father was alone.

Last but not least, I am thankful God gave me another look at death. A friend mentioned that to me the other day and as I began thinking about it I realized how much truth that statement held. When my dad passed away I was in so much pain and felt so much regret at the things left unsaid. I questioned if I could have done more or should have been there to help him. Like my grandma, l was upset that I wasn't there for him when he needed someone most. The worst part of it all was the fear I lived with for a very long time. The fear that someone else in my life would quickly be taken from me. The fear that I would come home to another note on the door. I was living a lot of aspects of life in fear of what could possibly occur. I had lost all trust with life and I think I even lost some faith in the process of death. I also was unsure how to move on with my life. I felt like I was leaving way too much behind me and that without my dad it wasn't right to move forward.

Moving forward, although hard, has been exactly what I needed. I needed to learn to find happiness again, true happiness. My grandma would tell me all the time that my dad was happy and that he had waited a long time to finally be with his dad. Recently, it hit me that it was selfish of me to be upset and not move forward with my life. My dad never got to have time with his dad that every child truly deserves to have. So, as my grandmas time came near I knew that all I needed to do was reassure her that she could go home. I told her over and over that it was okay and that it was her time to go. As she gasped for air I felt like I could see what was happening. Of all the people in the room I had a huge smile on my face. It felt wrong but I couldn't stop smiling. Her blue eyes stared into mine and she was beaming. Although she wanted to keep fighting she also knew what was in front of her. I wanted her to be free of cancer, free of the burden of carrying a disease that took so much and ultimately free of pain. As I held her hand she would squeeze strongly and I felt her security. That security will never leave me.

It may sound weird to hear me say that I am thankful for a second look at death and it may not be something most people say. However, after the darkness I have lived through since my dad passed, it was pretty amazing to see so much light surround a death. My grandma knew where she was headed, I know where she is and that made everything that much easier. I saw her strength until the end and I know that she lived her life giving everything she possibly could. She had a great life and I feel honored to have been apart of it. Her life is a testimony to the faith and trust one should have, as well as, the love one can have for the Lord. She is amazing in my eyes and I only hope to be as good of a person as she was. Makes perfect sense why my dad was the person he was. They were so much a like. Their hearts and passion for caring for others was always first before all else.

I now have two amazing angels and with them by my side I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I have so much strength carrying me down my life path. I'm not sure where I am headed but I know there is something special ahead. I know with God and my two angels directing my life the possibilities are endless. My life has meaning, your life has meaning and together we can make someone else's life have meaning. We also have the ability to change lives for the better one day at a time. Smile and be thankful for what you do have and try to make the best out of every situation that presents itself. Even in the darkness lies little holes of light and as time passes the world won't seem so dark anymore. The important thing is never give up and never stop fighting!

"To breathe is a hope that we would live for one more second. To pray is a hope that He will watch us for some more time. And to live is a hope that we will keep the lamp of hope kindled."

With Love,

Taylor

Strength to the end!

Strength can have different meanings for every person. However, one thing that is common in life is the ability to find strength in certain people who are meant to be in our lives. These people may only have one purpose or their purpose may be endless. No matter how long they stay their footprints never leave and their lessons walk with us forever.

As a child I didn't understand why my grandma treated me how she did. I saw her as someone that hated me. She would say things that hurt my feelings and then would laugh about it. My parents would constantly tell me that she did that because she loved me. Never understood why she couldn't truly show she loved me in a normal manner. I would learn that was just who she was and that she loved me with everything she had. As time went on, I obviously got older and my relationship with grandma took a turn for the better. My grandma became my best friend. I would call her often and we would have some of the best conversations. She loved to talk to me about Gods love. You could hear her voice just light up any time we talked about the Lord. Our relationship continued to mature, which probably also had to do with me maturing. We talked about life and we also talked about death. I had a conversation with her shortly before my father passed that I will never forget. I called her and was so happy. She said I sounded different, that I had a sound of peace in my voice and I told her that I had finally accepted death. I accepted that it would happen and that people would be in Heaven. I also told her I couldn't wait to meet my grandpa, her husband who also passed away from a heart attack when my dad was 16. She was so happy to hear me trust in life and death but most importantly to fully trust in Heaven.

As time went on I continued to notice the incredible strength my grandma had. She had more faith then any one person I have ever seen. She battled life raising four kids without a dad, death one family member after another, and on top of all that she also fought cancer. She never once gave up and she always had a positive attitude. I never could understand how she stayed so positive with all that she was dealing with. When she lost my dad I saw a different side to her. It was as if a huge piece of her was ripped away and couldn't be replaced. A huge piece of all of us was ripped away and our family has never been the same.

A few months ago my grandma did one of the bravest things I have ever witnessed. She knew her life was coming to an end so she moved away from all she ever knew in Pennsylvania and came to California where her family was. She left the house her family grew up in and so many other things she loved just to make life easier on the rest of us. She knew in her heart she didn't have the strength to make it much longer and that all of us couldn't be back there with her constantly. One of the most selfless acts a person could do.

After only a short time in California, her health began to take a turn for the negative. Each week brought new challenges and although she kept fighting, she was losing strength daily. She was never willing to give up though. She kept telling me I want to go home and be with Joseph. It was a point in my life where I felt helpless. I knew I couldn't do anything to make her feel better. All I could do is reassure her that when it was her time God would take her to be with my dad.

The last week my family saw a steady decline in her health and we were advised to begin goodbyes. I took the day off of work today and decided to take the train up to LA with my mom. I was excited to be going to see her but I also knew it was going to be difficult to see her in that condition. Within the last couple days she lost her voice so she was unable to speak and was very unresponsive. As I laid my hand on hers I told her who I was and she immediately opened her eyes and her whole face lit up. She smiled so big and I told her I loved her. With the little strength she had she mouthed I love you too. I spent the rest of the day right by her side holding her hand. We listened to her favorite Josh Groban song "You Raise Me Up" and I pretty much played "Here Come The Irish" on repeat. "Here come the Irish" was the song she listened to with my dad before every Norte Dame game.

I continued to sit there helpless as things became even worse. Although she was unable to speak all day the one thing she had the ability to say was "I am going home". She knew it was her time to go home and it brought me peace to hear her say that. I looked into her eyes and smiled so big. It was at that moment that I knew she was safe. I knew she was in the arms of an angel, more important her Joseph had come to get her. We reassured her that she could stop fighting. She didn't want to give up, she fought until the end. I can't say I ever thought I would experience something quite like that but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I know she wanted people by her side and I knew I was going to hold her hand until the end and even after. I had a hard time letting go. She taught me so much about faith, love and strength. She was the definition of amazing in my book and nothing can take her place. She will be with me every single day. I am glad she is free of pain and I am happy knowing she is with my dad and grandpa. I will miss her but I know her hand will guide me every step of the way. My life holds so much meaning because she was apart of it. So many good things were because of her, the big one being my father.

I have a sense of peace knowing that I have two incredible angels by my side. Nothing can ever take that away from me. I will continue to fight for both of them and never give up, just as they never gave up. I now understand what cancer can take from someone and I only hope that lives can be changed through GiveNGetFit. I will do my part to fight both heart disease and cancer with a goal of lengthening peoples lives. My Grandma and my dad, along with so many others, are the reason I am so passionate about finding cures and helping to fund research for both these diseases. Illness can rip someone of so much but there are a few things it can never take. My grandma had just as much strength and faith today as she did before diagnosed. Nothing can ever take that from her.

Grandma I love you with all my heart...you are my hero!

Love,
Tay

Thankful!

I haven't had much free time lately so of course the one thing I have pushed aside is writing, not only in my blog but also my journal. For a while I felt like I needed to write, I needed to share big events that occurred in my life to anyone that wanted to read what I had to say. It was an escape, an escape from a life that I wasn't truly happy to be living. It gave me the ability to release emotions that I was unable to speak. At the time it was what I needed to move forward. As time has passed I haven't felt the need to write as often as I once was. I have figured out new ways to make it through the difficult days and have figured out how to go on with my life as new trials arise. My life has been anything but calm lately. I finished my first class of the pre req's that I need for physical therapy school. It was a battle but I officially completed statistics. During that time I also had been working a lot of hours and keeping busy on the weekends. Unfortunately, after being so busy and stressed with different things, I came down with pneumonia. So, for the past 2 weeks I have been fighting that, which has been quite the physical battle. But the good news is I am definitely getting better and feeling much better then I had been.

My family has also been going through a lot of different things. My grandma has officially moved to California. Soon after her arrival she became even more sick resulting in a hospital stay. She is now in LA staying in a Hospice Center where she receives care 24 hours a day. My family doesn't always handle difficult situations very well so it has led to a lot of different issues. I started contemplating if things could ever stay steady in my life. Each time I feel like I am making huge leaps forward something takes place to try to bring me right back down. But if I have learned one thing, it's that life is always going to have different struggles no matter how happy you want or try to be. The important thing is learning how to deal with all those struggles and continue to move forward with the life path you are choosing to walk. It's not always the easiest thing to do but it does get easier as you attempt to balance life's struggles.

The good thing is even with all that has taken place I have been able to find happiness again. Not the fake happiness that I once thought was real but the actual happiness where I look forward to waking up. I have found even more joy in my job and its a feeling of genuine love for what I get to be apart of. Of course there are difficult days but everyone has those and there is no way to stop them from happening. I have done a better job at hiding what is happening in my life and instead focusing on the good of the day. My days are filled with so much more laughter and smiles. I realized this past week that I truly am someone that is care free and wants to have a good time. That part of me has been missing for a long time. I actually had started to question who I really was. I felt like I was a completely different person when my dad was alive. As I walked with Theresa last night I was able to admit for the first time that I didn't need anything spectacular to occur to make the night seem worth it. Recently I have been able to enjoy even the small things in life, the things that we tend to forget to think about. I used to have it in my head that alcohol would allow me to escape my life and enjoy myself more. Unfortunately, I would find out the hard way that alcohol actually just made things worse. I finally heard myself say out loud that I didn't even need alcohol to just be the goofy fun loving person that I am. That was a big step.

As I was driving home last night I started to think about Memorial Day and the true meaning behind a day to honor those who sacrificed their lives for others. I have all the respect in the world for those people who have fought for our country and gave their own life so we could enjoy true freedom. But I also started to think about all those people who have lost their lives in different types of battles or those people who continue to battle. These are everyday people that weren't given the opportunity to necessarily fight for their country but fought a health battle day in and day out. People that continued to strive to be the best individual they possibly could knowing there life could end at any point. To some these people aren't heroes, but to me they are. They are people that fight for others as they fight their own life. These people are also forced to sacrifice a lot of different things and their families are haunted with the every day reminder that there loved one could be gone at any moment. Memorial Day is a good day to not only remember the military and their families but all who have lost their lives. Every person that has left their mark on even one life deserves to be honored in some way. A true hero is someone that has made an impact on another persons life and has affected who they strive to become in their future.

I look up to those people who constantly give. Whether that person is in the military or just a random person standing next to me who realizes how much others need their help. The person that wakes up each morning wondering how they can help another person or how they can change someones life for the better. It's everyday individuals that have the ability to make a change in this world. The fact is a hero never dies no matter how they are taken from us. Their impact is felt by people all over the world by how we choose to remember that person. The saying that a piece of them is always apart of each life they touched is an incredibly strong statement. It's the truth. They are apart of us and as long as we allow their light to shine through, they are always apart of our everyday. As our loved ones battle whatever fight they are fighting, the one thing that keeps them smiling is knowing that their impact can always be felt even after they are long gone. 

It is for that reason that today I remember all those individuals who have battled and lost their lives, who continue to battle and those who have done all they could to help someone or find new ways to help others. The truth is there is always room for more heroes in this world. One of the greatest heroes in my life is my dad and he is remembered today just as much as he is everyday. I remember his passion and his ability to care even when he wasn't having the best day. I love the man he was even more as the days pass because of how he has affected my life. He continues to be my strength and he is so much apart of my everyday. He is the reason I am here and it is my duty to continue to show his passion for others as I move forward in my life journey.

Thank you to every single person who has given their life so others could live today. And thank you to those families who sacrificed so much knowing that they may never see their loved one again. You are all heroes in my book.

God Bless,
Taylor

Closing Time

A good character is the best tombstone.  Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered.  Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.  ~Charles H. Spurgeon

This past weekend I returned to Ramona Chiropractic, which was the company my dad worked for many years and would become the owner later down the road. People tend to say a lot of negatives about Ramona and if you are from Ramona you would probably agree with a lot of them. However, those people who have lived in Ramona know that underneath all the trash talking and negatives, lies numerous caring individuals who represent the heart of Ramona. The quote "Don't judge a book by it's cover", is probably one of the best sayings to represent the town I grew up in.

I moved to Ramona when I was two years old and luckily I was too young to realize where I was headed. But, twenty one years later I am able to say that I couldn't see myself growing up anywhere else. My dad felt the same way, he saw so much love and compassion in a small place with people searching for someone to heal their pains. They were in need of a caring individual to take the time to listen to them and figure out ways of helping them live pain free. Immediately my dad began to touch the lives of the people around him. He built friendships with all different types of people and would spend countless hours helping one patient after another. At the end of the day he was exhausted but he was so amazed at the people he would come in contact with throughout his day. His office was small but his employees viewed the town of Ramona the same way. As a collective group they all agreed that caring for people was the most important aspect of Ramona Chiropractic. Each person brought a different piece to the puzzle, and together a sense of compassion and understanding were felt by anyone who walked through the door.

I always knew that at the end of the day my dad would walk through the door with at least one story to tell about his day. He loved talking about the ways in which patients touched his life. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of people that touched his heart. He truly loved the people of Ramona. His patients were his family and they brought happiness into his life. He would have this amazing smile on his face each time he would tell a story about a life he had changed by limiting the pain they felt. He was so passionate about helping people feel better, but he was also just passionate about people in general. It didn't matter what their background was or where you were headed, he loved each person for what they had to offer at that moment in time. Patients knew that there appointment time would rarely be on time because my dad loved to talk. For those of you who knew him, he could talk about anything and everything. Not only that but he was always right and thought he knew it all. Being his daughter, however, I could never accept that he knew it all. His staff would realize that a timer outside the door was the only way they could somewhat limit how much time he spent talking. But, he would usually just ignore the timer and continue talking. Patients appreciated his bedside manner and took advantage of his ability to talk them through problems in their lives. I can only imagine the stories, problems, and daily issues he had to listen to, but he wouldn't have changed that for anything. At times it was a part of his job that was incredibly draining but he was more then willing to spend time listening. He would walk through that door and put his issues behind him knowing that those he cared about were so much more important.

One of the most amazing things about my father was his ability to accept every person for who they were. He never judged anyone and he rarely talked negative about anyone. Sure, there was always tough cases of individuals that were a little harder to work with but over the years I could probably count on my hands the number of people that he viewed as difficult to deal with. He took challenges well and he saw those tough cases as just another challenge. He studied constantly and would search for hours on ways to help those people. His ultimate goal was to make people better. Whether you were his best friend, family, a first time visitor, or a USC fan :), you were still treated the same when you walked through that door. Now if you were a USC fan you probably didn't hear the end of it but you were still taken care of.

As a child I remember the days I spent in his office watching him work, wearing his white doctor coats, playing with medical equipment and just wanting to be like my dad. I thought wearing the jacket was on of the coolest things ever because it made me feel a little more like my dad. As time went on I began seeing his office in a different way. I could finally see the healing that was taking place and the lives that were being touched in so many different ways. Without knowing someone they knew me. My dad would talk about me every day. He would talk about my family every day. He would tell anyone he talked to how proud he was of my brother and I. It never mattered who I talked to because each person would tell me the same thing. By looking at me patients knew I was his daughter without ever meeting me. I was his mini me in more ways then one. If you would have asked me ten years ago if it was a compliment when people said I was just like my dad, my answer more then likely would have been no. I would respond back to his patients and say, "no I look like my mom too", they would laugh understanding I didn't want to admit I looked like my father but still knowing in their minds I was a spitting image of him. As the years went on I realized that saying there was a lot of my dad in me was more of a compliment then anything anyone could say. I can know now see that what they said to me really is more of the truth then I ever would have thought.

Wednesday March 14th will be the last day that Ramona Chiropractic will be seeing patients. The past year has been a battle trying to keep something open that was missing such a big piece. Everyone tried their best to replicate what had previously been but without Dr. Aglio it could never be what it once was. No one could take his place and the shoes that were trying to be filled were impossible to fill. There isn't one person in this world that could take his place because his personality is irreplaceable. It's a special feeling knowing the amount of lives that were touched in the years he was a chiropractor. It's also amazing to think about the amount of people who touched his life. My only hope is that through the closing of the office each person that crossed paths with my father knows that they may have touched his life more then he touched theirs. Each person brought a different amount of happiness to his day and he thought the world of each of his patients. I loved hearing him talk about his day. I loved walking into the office and having everyone laugh because of how late he was into another room. One of the funniest things was hearing him talk of his Cox table as the "Magic Bus", telling patients they were in for a ride, and later learning it in spanish calling it "El Bus Magico". He wasn't the best at speaking spanish so he immediately got a laugh out of people. As you walked down the halls you could hear the talk of sports, politics, vacations, family's, school, and health being spoken of one person after another. I am telling ya, that man could talk about ANYTHING!

As the final day of Ramona Chiropractic gets closer, I continue to search for ways to get through this. I again feel like I am losing something. I am losing such a huge piece of my father and I am struggling with what I am supposed to feel right now. The one thing I hope is that one day I will be known as Dr. Aglio, and that if for just once my ears can hear that being said, I will know that my journey has just begun. I will be reminded of my father and know that my life will also consist of caring for others. It is for that reason, I will continue to strive to be my best because my hope is that I too can touch the lives of people around me and show a little more love in this world. My dad has taught me more in life then some people ever learn but what he has taught me is worth nothing if I can't put it into action. Everyone was right when they said that I have a lot of my dad in me. The truth is my father and I are close to having identical personalities. Of course, we have our differences but as long as I am alive my father lives on through my spirit for living a life of service to others. As I read through his books and choose what I want to keep I am amazed at the life he lived. Of course he was an amazing dad but sometimes I forget that he was an amazing doctor. He had so much knowledge. I can only hope that I have a similar amount of knowledge one day and that patients will speak of me as they spoke of my dad.  I would love to be able to make my father proud by touching the lives of people who are in need of someone to just show they care. 

With that being said, I would like to end this with a simple thank you to those who were apart of Ramona Chiropractic. My dad may have created a setting but the patients chose the color that shined and helped paint the final picture. I just hope everyone knows how much he cared for you and how much you were appreciated. Remember the good times, the laughing, and the constant smiles knowing that he is still talking and laughing with you all in heaven. I sincerely thank you for touching my dads heart and being apart of such a truly inspirational life. Dr. A will live on in each of your hearts forever.

I will leave you with this...

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart" 

Gob Bless,
Tay

A Small Reminder

As the waves crash I am reminded of their beautiful sound. Although I live in San Diego, I don't travel to the beach very often. Lately I have been contemplating taking a trip because there is a sense of relaxation that occurs every time I visit. It's a feeling of being free from all of lifes troubles. Even if its just for five minutes, my mind travels to a different place. People swarm the area to take in its beautiful features, possibly visiting from another city, state or even another country. Each person one after another in awe of what they see. I, however, take it for granted because of the shortness in distance from my house. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people, seeing the beach for the first time and truly understanding its beauty. But, after little thought I was again reminded of how blessed I am to be in the presence of something God created, and not only just something He created but a piece of His creation that describes beauty in a multitude of ways. It doesn't matter what the weather is like outside because the waves crashing against the rocks is still beautiful. The ocean provides a comfort because no matter what is thrown it's way, the end result is always magnificent to look at.

While watching the crashing waves against the cliffs, I heard a cry. The cry was coming from a baby seal who had been abandoned by his mother because a person felt the need to walk on the beach to get a closer look. The baby seal hasn't been alive long but is already battling loneliness and heartache. There is a very good chance the baby will never see its mom again and will more then likely die from not only a broken heart but also from not receiving the nutrients it needs to live. It killed me to listen to its cry and watch it lay in pain. I, like the baby seal, feel like I have lost my way. Unlike the baby seal, I was lucky enough to be left with ways of coping the difficult situations that occur in our lives. My dad taught me lessons and taught me how to make it on my own if that was ever to happen. The seal was left with nothing. I may understand what its like to lose someone special but I couldn't imagine being left with no real chance to make it. You may wonder the meaning behind that story and the relevance a baby seal has on my life but for me, it was an immediate eye opener. I was quickly reminded that even during the pain, my dad is by my side and has given me the tools to make it past all this. 

I have felt lost lately with no real understanding of how I can get through this. I think back to the start of this all and I feel like I had more hope. That hope seems to be covered by dark clouds, I know that same hope is still there, I just can't find it. I don't plan on giving up but I do feel defeated. I can't find the strength to remind myself I have already made it this far. I keep thinking I must give myself the time that is needed and it will get easier, however, the more time that goes by the harder it is to move forward. Lately, I feel as if I am forced to say goodbye every morning I open my eyes. At times, I find myself wishing I could just sleep and not have to face the day ahead of me. I don't know who I am anymore and all I want is to go back to the person I once was. Someone who has been through a lot but could always trust that in the end something good would come out of it all. I hate feeling like everything about me is negative, because that is not who I want to be. I also feel as if I am making things worse because I am so self conscious of how my mood is. I try to fight myself through the difficult days and in return I am exhausted. I am still struggling with how to accept the emotions that arrive and how to deal with them without affecting those around me. I thought I was getting better at dealing with the array of emotions I was feeling, but obviously I am not.

The main issue is I miss my dad and there is nothing filling that void right now. I want to feel better and want to be happy but have never found something so simple to be so difficult. I will keep trying and hoping for a better tomorrow. Each morning I wake up I have made it a goal to immediately remember the good things that are all around me. One thing that is very special is the people who are apart of my every day. I am lucky to be surrounded by so much love and care. I just wish I knew how to use what I have available to me. All I can say is as much as I need to be patient with myself, I also need everyone to be patient with me because I also understand how hard it is for each of you. I am trying to find myself and one day I will but until then I am still so very thankful for each and every one of you.

Love you all,

Tay