Closing Time

A good character is the best tombstone.  Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered.  Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.  ~Charles H. Spurgeon

This past weekend I returned to Ramona Chiropractic, which was the company my dad worked for many years and would become the owner later down the road. People tend to say a lot of negatives about Ramona and if you are from Ramona you would probably agree with a lot of them. However, those people who have lived in Ramona know that underneath all the trash talking and negatives, lies numerous caring individuals who represent the heart of Ramona. The quote "Don't judge a book by it's cover", is probably one of the best sayings to represent the town I grew up in.

I moved to Ramona when I was two years old and luckily I was too young to realize where I was headed. But, twenty one years later I am able to say that I couldn't see myself growing up anywhere else. My dad felt the same way, he saw so much love and compassion in a small place with people searching for someone to heal their pains. They were in need of a caring individual to take the time to listen to them and figure out ways of helping them live pain free. Immediately my dad began to touch the lives of the people around him. He built friendships with all different types of people and would spend countless hours helping one patient after another. At the end of the day he was exhausted but he was so amazed at the people he would come in contact with throughout his day. His office was small but his employees viewed the town of Ramona the same way. As a collective group they all agreed that caring for people was the most important aspect of Ramona Chiropractic. Each person brought a different piece to the puzzle, and together a sense of compassion and understanding were felt by anyone who walked through the door.

I always knew that at the end of the day my dad would walk through the door with at least one story to tell about his day. He loved talking about the ways in which patients touched his life. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of people that touched his heart. He truly loved the people of Ramona. His patients were his family and they brought happiness into his life. He would have this amazing smile on his face each time he would tell a story about a life he had changed by limiting the pain they felt. He was so passionate about helping people feel better, but he was also just passionate about people in general. It didn't matter what their background was or where you were headed, he loved each person for what they had to offer at that moment in time. Patients knew that there appointment time would rarely be on time because my dad loved to talk. For those of you who knew him, he could talk about anything and everything. Not only that but he was always right and thought he knew it all. Being his daughter, however, I could never accept that he knew it all. His staff would realize that a timer outside the door was the only way they could somewhat limit how much time he spent talking. But, he would usually just ignore the timer and continue talking. Patients appreciated his bedside manner and took advantage of his ability to talk them through problems in their lives. I can only imagine the stories, problems, and daily issues he had to listen to, but he wouldn't have changed that for anything. At times it was a part of his job that was incredibly draining but he was more then willing to spend time listening. He would walk through that door and put his issues behind him knowing that those he cared about were so much more important.

One of the most amazing things about my father was his ability to accept every person for who they were. He never judged anyone and he rarely talked negative about anyone. Sure, there was always tough cases of individuals that were a little harder to work with but over the years I could probably count on my hands the number of people that he viewed as difficult to deal with. He took challenges well and he saw those tough cases as just another challenge. He studied constantly and would search for hours on ways to help those people. His ultimate goal was to make people better. Whether you were his best friend, family, a first time visitor, or a USC fan :), you were still treated the same when you walked through that door. Now if you were a USC fan you probably didn't hear the end of it but you were still taken care of.

As a child I remember the days I spent in his office watching him work, wearing his white doctor coats, playing with medical equipment and just wanting to be like my dad. I thought wearing the jacket was on of the coolest things ever because it made me feel a little more like my dad. As time went on I began seeing his office in a different way. I could finally see the healing that was taking place and the lives that were being touched in so many different ways. Without knowing someone they knew me. My dad would talk about me every day. He would talk about my family every day. He would tell anyone he talked to how proud he was of my brother and I. It never mattered who I talked to because each person would tell me the same thing. By looking at me patients knew I was his daughter without ever meeting me. I was his mini me in more ways then one. If you would have asked me ten years ago if it was a compliment when people said I was just like my dad, my answer more then likely would have been no. I would respond back to his patients and say, "no I look like my mom too", they would laugh understanding I didn't want to admit I looked like my father but still knowing in their minds I was a spitting image of him. As the years went on I realized that saying there was a lot of my dad in me was more of a compliment then anything anyone could say. I can know now see that what they said to me really is more of the truth then I ever would have thought.

Wednesday March 14th will be the last day that Ramona Chiropractic will be seeing patients. The past year has been a battle trying to keep something open that was missing such a big piece. Everyone tried their best to replicate what had previously been but without Dr. Aglio it could never be what it once was. No one could take his place and the shoes that were trying to be filled were impossible to fill. There isn't one person in this world that could take his place because his personality is irreplaceable. It's a special feeling knowing the amount of lives that were touched in the years he was a chiropractor. It's also amazing to think about the amount of people who touched his life. My only hope is that through the closing of the office each person that crossed paths with my father knows that they may have touched his life more then he touched theirs. Each person brought a different amount of happiness to his day and he thought the world of each of his patients. I loved hearing him talk about his day. I loved walking into the office and having everyone laugh because of how late he was into another room. One of the funniest things was hearing him talk of his Cox table as the "Magic Bus", telling patients they were in for a ride, and later learning it in spanish calling it "El Bus Magico". He wasn't the best at speaking spanish so he immediately got a laugh out of people. As you walked down the halls you could hear the talk of sports, politics, vacations, family's, school, and health being spoken of one person after another. I am telling ya, that man could talk about ANYTHING!

As the final day of Ramona Chiropractic gets closer, I continue to search for ways to get through this. I again feel like I am losing something. I am losing such a huge piece of my father and I am struggling with what I am supposed to feel right now. The one thing I hope is that one day I will be known as Dr. Aglio, and that if for just once my ears can hear that being said, I will know that my journey has just begun. I will be reminded of my father and know that my life will also consist of caring for others. It is for that reason, I will continue to strive to be my best because my hope is that I too can touch the lives of people around me and show a little more love in this world. My dad has taught me more in life then some people ever learn but what he has taught me is worth nothing if I can't put it into action. Everyone was right when they said that I have a lot of my dad in me. The truth is my father and I are close to having identical personalities. Of course, we have our differences but as long as I am alive my father lives on through my spirit for living a life of service to others. As I read through his books and choose what I want to keep I am amazed at the life he lived. Of course he was an amazing dad but sometimes I forget that he was an amazing doctor. He had so much knowledge. I can only hope that I have a similar amount of knowledge one day and that patients will speak of me as they spoke of my dad.  I would love to be able to make my father proud by touching the lives of people who are in need of someone to just show they care. 

With that being said, I would like to end this with a simple thank you to those who were apart of Ramona Chiropractic. My dad may have created a setting but the patients chose the color that shined and helped paint the final picture. I just hope everyone knows how much he cared for you and how much you were appreciated. Remember the good times, the laughing, and the constant smiles knowing that he is still talking and laughing with you all in heaven. I sincerely thank you for touching my dads heart and being apart of such a truly inspirational life. Dr. A will live on in each of your hearts forever.

I will leave you with this...

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart" 

Gob Bless,
Tay

A Small Reminder

As the waves crash I am reminded of their beautiful sound. Although I live in San Diego, I don't travel to the beach very often. Lately I have been contemplating taking a trip because there is a sense of relaxation that occurs every time I visit. It's a feeling of being free from all of lifes troubles. Even if its just for five minutes, my mind travels to a different place. People swarm the area to take in its beautiful features, possibly visiting from another city, state or even another country. Each person one after another in awe of what they see. I, however, take it for granted because of the shortness in distance from my house. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people, seeing the beach for the first time and truly understanding its beauty. But, after little thought I was again reminded of how blessed I am to be in the presence of something God created, and not only just something He created but a piece of His creation that describes beauty in a multitude of ways. It doesn't matter what the weather is like outside because the waves crashing against the rocks is still beautiful. The ocean provides a comfort because no matter what is thrown it's way, the end result is always magnificent to look at.

While watching the crashing waves against the cliffs, I heard a cry. The cry was coming from a baby seal who had been abandoned by his mother because a person felt the need to walk on the beach to get a closer look. The baby seal hasn't been alive long but is already battling loneliness and heartache. There is a very good chance the baby will never see its mom again and will more then likely die from not only a broken heart but also from not receiving the nutrients it needs to live. It killed me to listen to its cry and watch it lay in pain. I, like the baby seal, feel like I have lost my way. Unlike the baby seal, I was lucky enough to be left with ways of coping the difficult situations that occur in our lives. My dad taught me lessons and taught me how to make it on my own if that was ever to happen. The seal was left with nothing. I may understand what its like to lose someone special but I couldn't imagine being left with no real chance to make it. You may wonder the meaning behind that story and the relevance a baby seal has on my life but for me, it was an immediate eye opener. I was quickly reminded that even during the pain, my dad is by my side and has given me the tools to make it past all this. 

I have felt lost lately with no real understanding of how I can get through this. I think back to the start of this all and I feel like I had more hope. That hope seems to be covered by dark clouds, I know that same hope is still there, I just can't find it. I don't plan on giving up but I do feel defeated. I can't find the strength to remind myself I have already made it this far. I keep thinking I must give myself the time that is needed and it will get easier, however, the more time that goes by the harder it is to move forward. Lately, I feel as if I am forced to say goodbye every morning I open my eyes. At times, I find myself wishing I could just sleep and not have to face the day ahead of me. I don't know who I am anymore and all I want is to go back to the person I once was. Someone who has been through a lot but could always trust that in the end something good would come out of it all. I hate feeling like everything about me is negative, because that is not who I want to be. I also feel as if I am making things worse because I am so self conscious of how my mood is. I try to fight myself through the difficult days and in return I am exhausted. I am still struggling with how to accept the emotions that arrive and how to deal with them without affecting those around me. I thought I was getting better at dealing with the array of emotions I was feeling, but obviously I am not.

The main issue is I miss my dad and there is nothing filling that void right now. I want to feel better and want to be happy but have never found something so simple to be so difficult. I will keep trying and hoping for a better tomorrow. Each morning I wake up I have made it a goal to immediately remember the good things that are all around me. One thing that is very special is the people who are apart of my every day. I am lucky to be surrounded by so much love and care. I just wish I knew how to use what I have available to me. All I can say is as much as I need to be patient with myself, I also need everyone to be patient with me because I also understand how hard it is for each of you. I am trying to find myself and one day I will but until then I am still so very thankful for each and every one of you.

Love you all,

Tay

A Year of Blessings in Disguise

I have found myself constantly thinking and in a state where I am unable to turn my mind off. I have had the time to sit down and look at the events that have taken place while I contemplate the reason behind all of it. The first event that set my year up on a bad note was the loss of my dad in December of 2010, just two days before Christmas. My 2011 would immediately be effected and a positive mindset was turned negative in a heartbeat. It was a year I had been looking forward to, but quickly my mindset would change and I felt more lost then ever. I had no clue how I would make it through the next year, let alone the rest of my life. Although I am still unsure how the rest of my life will be effected by the loss of my dad, I find myself having so much more hope then I once had. Luckily, I had a form of hope from the start. I wasn't angry at God for my loss, rather angry because I thought I could have done more to stop the loss from happening. I was angry at myself and angry that there was nothing I could do to make the situation better. Once again I was in a place where I felt helpless and all I wanted to do was make my family's lives a little easier.

The start of my year included trying to find ways of coping with the loss of my dad. Difficult steps, such as; going to counseling, forcing myself to write and read, spending lonely nights alone crying, and wondering how I would ever find the faith I needed to get through what I was going through. I was lost. I had no clue what was right or wrong and all I could do was question life, question my existent. I felt like if my dad wasn't here then I didn't want to be here. I believed in my heart that I could not find happiness without my dad here. I struggled for months trying to figure out ways to help myself and people around me also tried to do all they could. Unfortunately, nothing was good enough. Nothing was good enough because nothing could bring my dad back and there was nothing that could fill the hole in my heart. So, every night I would write down what I felt and this month will mark the year of when I began writing in a journal. A year later I have almost wrote my 365th entry, all ranging in length and detail. I made it a goal to never miss a day because I knew how important it was to express what I was feeling. My journal has allowed me to release emotions that I have been unable to show to others. A year ago, I had lost the hope to keep walking, so I wrote...but by the grace of God that hope would return.

Faith is a word that I have had the chance to really dig deep into and search for what it means in my own life. I believe that faith can have a lot of different meanings because it holds a special place in each of our lives no matter what trial we are dealing with. Last summer I truly believe that I am able to look back and notice the little things God was doing in my life to prepare me for the process of death. At the time I thought nothing of it, all I knew was I needed to trust that God had a plan for what I was going through. Months later I lost my 2 year old kitten to heart failure, which would end up being only a few months before losing my dad. I would be the one to find her and my heart hurt seeing her lay there. Although it was just an animal, I went through a form of grief and it was a little more difficult then I thought it would be. She held a special place in my heart and more importantly she held a special place in my dads heart. So once again, I would move forward trusting and believing that God had a better plan for her then being with us. In hindsight losing her taught me a lot about life and death. Life continued but life at my house was very different.

A few months later losing my dad would cause me to question the faith I had in a God that was supposed to love me more then anyone or anything. I sat there and wondered why him, how did the one person that meant so much to me and impacted my life in such a dramatic way get ripped away so quickly. I wanted to be able to say goodbye and wanted to know that he was okay. Quickly I remembered everything I had been taught in school and church. I remembered that no matter how ugly things looked that at some point God would bring some form of good from the situation I was stuck in the middle of. I will admit that in the beginning and even at times now, its difficult to believe that. Its difficult to believe that because we are human and we miss that human presence that our loved one provided. But faith allows us to believe that no matter how hard things get and no matter how dark it seems, God will bring me and every other person out of that place. We don't always immediately know why things happen. Sometimes we don't know for years down the road but I truly believe that there is at least ONE good thing that comes from every bad situation. You may call me crazy for believing that but I am able to look back and see the good that has happened in my life through every storm.

I am able to look at my past year and see where I started to where I am now. I can see the areas that I have grown and matured. Days aren't as difficult as they once were. I made huge steps from getting help and receiving counseling to doing something for myself by leaving for the holidays and taking a trip to Colorado. I have met a lot of different people who have also had to deal with the loss of a loved one and have learned different ways of dealing with the process of grief. I have studied the grief process in hopes of one day being able to help someone else in need. I have learned that we can't rely on one person as our support because at any point that person could be gone. I have learned that even on the days where it seems impossible to trust in a loving God, that in reality He is all I really have to believe in. When everything else is ripped away from me, God is the one constant, the one person who will always listen and answer prayers. I have also been taught that my prayers won't always be answered in the timely manner that I want them to be and if it's not Gods will then they may not be answered at all.

The important thing is no matter what I can pray any prayer I want and God will listen. Friends don't always act in the way we want them to or respond the way we want them to. More importantly friends don't always listen and there not always there. In the same way sometimes God doesn't respond the way we wish He would or answer exactly how we thought He would. Faith is believing in something that we may not completely understand and having hope in things we can't always see. Although we may not completely understand Gods plan for our lives, we must trust that in the end He wants to restore our lives and bring us happiness. We are asked to serve him and it may be painful at times but its with a purpose. The purpose may not be for our own life but a life that will be touched in the process, a life that will be changed because we never gave up that hope for a better day. God will restore each of us when the time is right and our lives on Earth won't be the end of our service. Even after our time we will continue to serve but we wont know what that service is until we return to our Savior.

I have faith in a better day. I believe that at some point happiness will return and I will renew the strength to keep moving forward. I have seen the changes in my life in just one short year and know that I will continue to make giant strides forward. Of course, therewill be days where hope is difficult to have and my faith may be shaken but the amazing thing on those days is the grace of God. Even those days when its hard to believe, God will still be there, waiting for me to run back to Him. He is always there, whether you choose to believe that or not. He is in control of every situation in our lives and all He wants is for us to do the best we can to trust in his plan for us. My prayer for all of you is that you also have the chance to see God work in your lives and that you can keep focused on any positive that you might be able to see. Take the time to look closely and you may realize that you have been missing out on something great.

I look forward to this next year. I am not saying that because it's the thing to say at the beginning of each year. I say that because I truly believe that my life will change in some way and whether it's good or bad at the time there will be good that comes from each and every trial I am put through. Trials build character and they force us to look deep inside and make changes in our lives. Make the changes necessary to help yourself grow this year. Attempt to make big strides in your life and the lives around you. Look next to you and pay attention to those people who may need your help. Keep your eyes open to the beauty that surrounds you and more importantly be thankful for each day you are given. Tell people how you feel and don't leave anything unsaid or misunderstood. Those you care about, let them know. If there is something you want to do, do it. Live with no regrets and believe that you are worth something special. Last but not least, live each day as if tomorrow may not happen because we never know when that statement will become reality.

I love you all and I pray that each and every one of you has a blessed year.

God Bless,
Tay

Christmas In Colorado

My trip to Colorado for Christmas was the first trip I have been on since my dads passing. I was nervous before leaving and was very unsure if it was a trip I was supposed to take. Part of me felt like I was running away from the life I was living in San Diego. To some of you that may be a dramatic thought process but I wanted to make sure I was handling the first year in the right manner. I haven't wanted to run away from anything and I was worried that leaving was doing just that.

The day I left was a difficult one but I knew as long as I got on the plane I would make it to Colorado. I worked that morning which helped me get through the day better. As I looked into the backpack I was taking on my trip I found cards from everyone at work. Each person had personally wrote me a Christmas card and the words brought tears to my eyes. It made me feel more prepared for what was ahead knowing that I had so many people that loved and cared about me.

As I landed in Denver I looked out the window to see the start of a blizzard, which would continue through the night and into the next day. I had told Chelsea that I wanted a white Christmas, which is exactly what I got. We were able to go sledding on Thursday and snowboarding on Friday, two things I don't have the chance to do often. Christmas eve was filled with family time and lots of food. Christmas started off bright and early as we opened presents and spent time together. Later that morning we went on a snowy mountain hike, it was beautiful. The rest of the day was spent with Chelsea's extended family.

My trip to Colorado to visit Chelsea and her family ended up being one of the biggest blessings. I was welcomed with open arms by everyone I met and I felt like I was apart of a family. Being apart of a family was something I desperately needed this holiday season. Everyone made me feel so special and the memories I shared with them will stay close in my heart. Colorado is a truly breathtaking place. Chelsea said it best, it's a place that feels like a retreat. Her house was so peaceful and it gave me time to step away from the everyday life of San Diego. I got used to being able to roam around town without being reminded constantly of different memories. I know that remembering moments spent with my dad is important but its not always easy to deal with those on a daily basis. At times it makes me feel as if I am stuck in the past unable to move forward. Spending a few days at Chelsea's house allowed me a little bit of time away from that emotion, time to let that part of my thought process relax.

My trip also reminded me that I have a family in San Diego as well. These people may not be family by blood but they are family nonetheless. I have been incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such incredible people who truly care about my well being. I spent a lot of time thinking through different things and I feel this trip has allowed me to step back and see things I may have been missing along the way. I think one of the biggest realizations that I made during the time I was gone has to do with my dad still being present. I woke up Christmas eve and realized that one of the best compliments I could ever receive is one that I have heard a number of times. The compliment I am speaking of is how similar I am to my dad including qualities and the heart he had. I don't think I have actually been able to accept that as a compliment since he passed away. I don't mean that in a bad way but it was difficult to see that in the midst of everything else that was going on. I also felt it was wrong to accept that when people said that because he is no longer here and was one of a kind in my eyes.

I have finally been able to accept that I can take those things people say and feel honored that I was compared to my father. There is nothing wrong with accepting that compliment, in fact it should remind me that my dad is always present. As long as I am alive my dads passion for life and caring heart has the ability to shine through me. I know that is what he would want out of me. If anyone ever believed in me it was my dad. The last thing he would want is for me to lose sight of my dreams and aspirations, but rather honor him by never giving up and reaching to the stars to achieve greatness. He is still here, he is all around me and when I smile I know that he is smiling right alongside me. Somewhere along the way I forgot or maybe lost sight of the fact that nothing can remove him from my life. He may not be here, which is what I am trying to work through but he is still with me. It's my job to not let his spirit die.

Taking a trip to Colorado where I was surrounded by different scenery was the best choice I have made this year. I feel more prepared for this coming  year and I am looking forward to the new challenges that I will be facing. I feel ready to focus on my future and for the first time in a while I am actually excited for what's ahead. I have reached a point where I am able to see positives through the negatives. I expect there will be difficult days because like it or not I am still going through the process of grief. However, I am learning new ways of dealing with this process and finding news ways of coping. It's a roller coaster and the past week has been a bumpy ride but the good thing is a roller coaster has an end. The climb may block what's ahead and make it difficult to see where it finishes but each time we step foot on a ride we trust that we will make it out alive. Control is let go and we place our trust in something other then ourselves.
 

My trust is placed in Gods hands, knowing that He has a plan for me and that His plan is so much greater then anything I could ever imagine. This weekend, as well as the past week was extremely tough but through it all one thing I do know is my faith grew a tremendous amount. Nights were rough without my dad and I struggled to make it through, but all that matters is I made it. The one thing I have learned this past year reminds me of what I heard in the movie remember me. 

"Enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it."

 We shouldn't take life for granted and we should try to enjoy each day we are given. We can't hold anything back or postpone what we want to do. More importantly we need to make sure the people we care about know, make sure they know how you really feel. Because remember just like that it could end...

God Bless,

Tay

A Year Without You

Life has a weird way of working out. One minute you are standing next to someone telling them how much you love them and then the next minute they are gone. A year ago I got ready for work just like any other day. As my dad made coffee we talked about our plans and the excitement of Christmas being only two days away.  I had my steelers beanie on and I was looking forward to watching the game with him that night. I went through the day as I normally would but the end result was anything but normal. 

That morning I spent with my dad would be the final moments I would ever spend with him. He passed away that morning, making the 23rd of December a day that I will never be able to forget. For some reason grief has a way of making you forget about a lot of things but the events of that day are something that will live on in my mind forever. 

As I traveled on a plane to Colorado it was the first time that I felt close to my dad. I soared through the air starring out the window imagining life in heaven.  For a little over two hours he was all I could think about and I sat there replaying the past year in my head. I know he is always with me. I know he will never leave my side but I still have a problem accepting that is all it will ever be. I can't help but think about that week and think there was more I could have done. If only I would have taken the time to notice things were different. But sadly that is something I can not change. 

Next week will mark the one year of the day we celebrated the amazing life my dad lived. I stood in front of family and friends and spoke of the incredible life he lived. Although I said what was on my heart I still feel there is so much more I could have said. I have re-read what I wrote over and over still wishing I could have done a better job. I mean he deserved that. 

I believe there comes a point in all of our lives where we begin to realize what truly matters. For me it was a shift in perspective and I began contemplating what it means to live each day as if it were our last. My goal for myself  every day is to affect at least one persons life in a positive way and to show them that I truly care about them. Some days are harder then others but right now all I can do is my best. 

For those of you who knew my dad you know he had this way of making people feel special. Every person he came in contact with was important to him. It didn't matter if he knew you for years or just met you, you mattered. I believe that is a quality he would want me to have and wants me to share with anyone I meet. 

I am thankful for the time I had with him because some people never get that. I know it's selfish for me to want more time but I think that's just human nature. We weren't created to deal with loss very well. In fact, I don't think we were prepared for the effects of loss at all. However, knowing there is so much more beyond the life we currently live helps with the pain. I know in my heart no matter how bad it hurts that I will see my dad again. I know that he will greet me with open arms and give me one of his hugs that I have been missing each day I wake up. 

As time continues to pass by the pain at this point only seems to increase. The cut is fully open right now and each time I think it has healed it's reopened with another event or memory from the past. The good news is it won't be like this forever. I know in my heart that I need to get through the new year before life can fall back into place. After next week is over there won't be as many "firsts" as there were the past year. The deep cut should begin to heal and slowly become less painful. There will still be times where the pain is greater then the previous day but as time goes by it won't be as painful when its reopened. I will learn and have learned to adjust to the life I have been forced to live knowing that my dad is always there. 

My year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs but there has also been a lot of good that has happened.   I have seen a lot of different people reach out and be there for me that I never expected would be. I have made some very important steps in a forward direction with an attempt to live as normal as possible. 

Early on I promised myself that I wouldn't allow my dads passing to hold me back from any place that was special to him. I returned back to Yannis Bistro for two amazing dinners, went to Stone Brewery, which was my dads favorite brewery, and also to the place he would take his last breath. Later in the year I celebrated his life by raising money for the American Heart Association and walked in his honor at the Heart Walk. Last week I returned back to my high school for the annual alumni game, which was the last weekend I spent with my dad. 

For me, all of those were big steps. They were moments and memories shared with my dad that were difficult to relive but I feel it's important to live as normal as possible. My dad wants me to be happy and wants me to make big decisions for myself. I finally signed up for classes and will be returning to school this coming January. I also finally did something for myself and I am spending Christmas in Colorado. I am honestly doing my best to continue moving forward in hopes of living a life that is worth something special. 

I thank you all for supporting me this past year. I never thought I could make it without my dad but with the help of everyone around me I am still taking the steps toward being happy again. Nothing can bring back my dad and nothing can take his place but I can still honor him in all that I do. I love my dad with all of my heart and today I miss him the same amount as I always do. There is no way for his passing to not affect me daily with the impact my dad had on my life. I will be happy again I know I will, but today I can't help but think of how different my life is without him here. 

Dad, I miss you so much and love you always and forever. Be with me today, tomorrow, and forever. Until I see you again I know you will always be right by my side. Your daughter I will always be. 

Merry Christmas &

God Bless,

Tay

Dammi Forza

The title of this blog is "dammi forza", which means "give me strength" in Italian. This has been a statement that I have lived by the past few months since I came across it in September. I was trying to find a specific saying that came across strong for the t-shirts I made for the heart walk. I also wanted there to be a lot of meaning behind the words I chose. I come from an Italian family so the Italian language, although I don't know very many words, is important to me. There is something about other languages that make sentences sound much better. This statement speaks volumes to me because everyday I ask God and my dad to give me the strength to make it through the day. I know that I personally do not have the ability to go about my day without the help of a loving God that blesses me with the world around me.

The reason I brought up this saying is because of what took place tonight. I have been dealing with a lot of different injuries for a long time. Currently I have been dealing with back and hip pain, so I will be getting an MRI to determine what is causing all the pain. The past two months or so I have been under a lot of stress and haven't been sleeping well, which is definitely not helping my situation out.  I am praying that everything turns out fine but I am also hoping that the MRI shows why I have pain in that area.

Tonight was the annual Alumni game at my high school and I was forced with the decision to play or stand and watch. I debated all week because I didn't know what to do. I knew that it probably wasn't a smart decision to play but everything inside of me was telling me I should. My dad loved the alumni game. I think he only missed one since I graduated high school. He would come and watch the team whether I played or not and always had comments to make about what we could do better. I mean plain and simple he pretty much judged what we were doing wrong and wasn't afraid to tell us. But we all loved it. He was a presence in the stands that everyone felt whether we saw him or not. He had this way of making all of us laugh even when things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. Someone the other day said it perfectly to me, they said "your dad was truly an amazing person and I feel honored to have had him as a friend". I too believe that my dad was an amazing individual and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call him my dad.

As I stepped on the field tonight and laced up my boots for the first time in a year, I had a ton of emotion flow through me. I remembered all the days in high school where he would sit in the cold weather and cheer me on. The days it was pouring and nobody wanted to be there, he would sit there and be proud of what I was accomplishing. If I got hurt or needed someone to cheer me up after the game, he was there. He always gave me strength to push myself to the limits I didn't even know I had. I continued to get dressed not sure if I would be able to play or not but that feeling was still in me that I needed to try. I felt that I owed him that. He loved watching me play soccer and I truly believe that it was those times that he was most proud of the person I was. We shared a passion for a sport that became my life from a very young age.

I began warming up and was surprised that I felt pretty good. I told myself that I would try my best but that if the pain became too much I would pull myself out of the game. I haven't touched a soccer ball since my senior game, which was two Novembers ago and would end up being the last game my dad ever saw me play. I did okay tonight, I didn't play how I used to play soccer but I tried my best. I have raspberries all over my left leg and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow but it was something I had to do. Not only did I have to do it for myself but I had to do it for my dad. It was the one risk that I have taken recently that I will except the consequences. Although I have wounds to show that I played, I also scored a goal that was entirely for my dad. We lost the game but it doesn't even matter because I achieved what I needed to. After scoring my way of honoring him was pointing and looking the sky showing that it was his strength that got me through.

Part way through the game I looked down at my finger and read the letters "J.T.A", it was at that time that I knew he was with me. Tonight was the start of a hard week but I have handled it very well so far. A little tears showed up tonight but that is going to happen. Tears will take place this week and probably more then ever but I will except those tears and know that I am still on my way to moving on. I know in my heart that I have grown a lot and I know that I will continue to grow. I am prepared for whatever takes place in the coming days and I pray that the people who are meant to be by my side will be there. I hope that those people aren't there because they feel they have to but rather want to.

I look forward to getting past the year anniversary and allowing myself to continue to heal. The amount of firsts won't happen as much and I feel the cut won't be as deep as it is right now. I am learning to deal with each situation that is presented and I know that I will only get better at controlling my emotions. I have been so incredibly lucky to have people come along side me and walk with me through all of this. For a while I was scared that everyone had disappeared but a few people have constantly reminded me lately that they are here and will do whatever they can to get me through all of this. For those of you who have been there and know what I am going through, I thank you for understanding and taking the time to listen. My one constant prayer through all of this is that those people who have been there will one day be blessed by God and they too will grow in their faith.

With all that said, my night was complete because I scored a goal for my dad and I know he is proud of me. I am sure me playing made him nervous though! :)

Once again thank you for all the support and the constant thoughts and prayers!

God Bless,
Tay

Thankful Even Through the Pain

Thanksgiving is one day in the year where people feel obligated to express how thankful they are for the things in their life. It's a day that forces us to really stop and think about the events and people in our lives. It's supposed to be a relaxing day consisting of traditions that have either been passed down from family members or the start of new traditions. Spending much needed time with family and friends is something that most of us look forward to, allowing us to forget about the everyday stress of life and just enjoy good company. Of course some of the best things about Thanksgiving is the food we get to enjoy, especially the pumpkin pie.

However this year, the days leading up to Thanksgiving has consisted of constantly thinking and remembering all the incredible memories I had with my dad. He loved Thanksgiving, I think he actually loved it more then any other holiday. He enjoyed spending time with family and friends, the people that he was most thankful for. He used the day to show how much he cared and the only thing that mattered to him was that we were all together in one place. Our family tradition was being together as a family and having as many people show up as possible. He truly cared about the day and if it didn't go as planned he was disappointed in himself.

When you lose someone you never think that the traditions that once occurred would disappear as if they were nothing. But, for me, my family has decided to act as if we never celebrated this day together and are choosing to spend the holiday doing their own things. I found myself in a lonely place, an empty house, and stuck remembering the past only wishing I could return to those days. I wish I could go back to the day where we spent Thanksgiving with close friends and then two days later took a trip to USC to watch Notre Dame. It was so much fun and I remember it like it was yesterday. My dad was so excited that we were all together for the game, and although Notre Dame would end up losing, the trip was well worth it.

This week I have done my best to keep a positive mindset and some minutes seemed much easier then others. I was very quiet at times but it wasn't in a bad way, I was just spending a lot of time reflecting on the past events. I may have been spending too much time thinking about all that but it was my way of dealing with the emotions behind it all. I know that it was hard for people around me because I looked down and out. They wanted to get me out of the place. I had people offering places for me to spend Thanksgiving all week, which you would think would make things easier but in reality it was still incredibly difficult. The only place I really wanted to be was the place my dad was at, because it didn't matter where I was, as long as I was with my family.

Today is month number eleven, and at times I feel like I am no longer moving forward but instead moving backward at a quick rate. I feel like I have no strength to make it through the next two months or so. I have been told by many that this is the hardest time of the grief process and that the one year mark is a difficult period. But, I have also been told that once the year mark passes, things begin to fall into place and you learn to look to the future a little more then before. I hope that some form of light is entered into my path and suddenly things become much more clear. I struggled today to see that light. I could only see dark and I felt non-existent. I haven't felt this way in a very long time and it was hard to deal with. I could tell I was in a panic, overtaken by anxious emotions and feeling lost in the crowd. I found myself standing there starring into space wondering if I would ever regain attention to what was actually taking place. I did my best to work through it because I knew that I couldn't allow myself to succumb to those emotions. It was hard but I worked through the feeling of panic and continued my day. I had the option to go home but felt it was important for me to get through it without running away.

Tomorrow I will spend Thanksgiving with Tim and Julie, which I feel blessed to have had the many offers that I was given for dinner tomorrow. I am thankful for the people in my life who care enough to make sure I am not alone tomorrow. Everything in me wants to be alone. A big part of me wants to sit in the house that we always spent Thanksgiving, whether it's alone or not. However, I know that my dad would not want that. He would be mad at me if I turned down every offer that was given to me just to sit at home alone. He was all about showing love and if it meant going out of your way to do so then that is what he would do. He lived his life to love. I am positive that it is one of the reasons why I am surrounded by so much of it. Anyone that has been apart of my life and knows about the death of my father has done everything in their power to be there for me. People wanted me to spend the day with them, they wanted me to smile through the pain, and all day today people tried there best to get me out of the funk I was in.

Hopefully everyone understands that I wasn't trying to stay in a sad place. I didn't feel like myself at all, which was a feeling I haven't been feeling since I first started this journey. I thought I had moved past the feeling of being in a panic and feeling anxious. The hugs, jokes, and small demonstrations of love definitely helped me make it through today. Tomorrow is going to be another big step. It will be the first Thanksgiving without my dad. I don't expect it to be an easy day but I do promise to attack it with all that I have. I am thankful that I will be surrounded by people that truly care and love me all through the day. We all have something to be thankful for. Although my year has been extremely difficult, I know in my heart that I have so much to be thankful for. I know that I am lucky to have so many people that care about me and want to see me happy. I feel blessed in more ways then one. I may not be with my immediate family but I will be with family that God has given me. He has blessed me with these people to help me through things like this. Ultimately God is the only person that knows what I need and I trust that He will place me in those spots tomorrow surrounded by more love then ever.

I just want to thank each of you for showing me so much love and for allowing me to work through the grief process. Each person in my life has been there at different points and I would not be here today without all that support. Please know that I feel incredibly lucky to have the people I do in my life. Whether it seems like it or not, I am thankful for each one of you. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and remember each and every blessing that you have in your life. Don't take anything for granted and remember to tell those you love that you love them because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

God Bless,
Tay