Saturday, August 28, 2010
It's Been A While...
I haven't taken the time recently to sit down and write about the things that have been on my mind, although I have thought about it multiple times. The past year has been an interesting test for me and at times I began to question whether I could make it. Giving up seemed like the best option but luckily I had people close to me that wouldn't allow that to happen. I have realized how important it is to have people that understand what you are going through and even if they don't fully understand they are still willing to never let you give up. In June of 2009 I sprained my ankle in an indoor soccer game and at that point in my life the most important thing in my opinion was to be able to play in my senior year as a collegiate soccer player. If you were to ask me if I still think that was the best decision I would probably have a different answer but I also have never wanted to live my life with regrets.
Soccer is a sport that I have loved since I can even remember and no matter what soccer will always hold a special place in my heart. For me, soccer was something that my family always cherished together and I loved watching my brother play in hopes of one day being able to perform the same way. I looked up to him for his ability to play soccer and he constantly pushed me to be better. I always knew that when the weekends rolled around that our family would pack up and spend our day at a soccer field somewhere in California. I truly believe that soccer brought us closer together and still to this day it gives us something to talk about.
Although my senior soccer season didn't turn out to be exactly what I wanted I don't regret the decision to play. The memories will last forever and the fact that I made it through four years of collegiate soccer is something that not everyone can say. I think that there is a point in your life when all you do is think about what was and what could have been but I know I can't change any of that. Of course there are things I would have wanted to turn out differently but everything that I have gained from those moments are things that I could never give up.
For me personally, soccer has shaped my character more than I could have ever imagined. I have had eight different surgeries on my legs, six on my left and two on my right, and another possibly on the way. I have met more doctors in twenty-two years than most people meet in their entire life and have had more tests and surgeries than most people ever have. But, throughout all the time spent at doctors offices and hospitals, I have also had the chance to meet so many awesome people. The conversations that I have had and the fight I have been able to instill in people is something that makes every ounce of pain worth it. I have met people who never thought they would be able to live their life how they wanted to and I knew they could. They were able to see what I have been through and believe that they two could make it. I have also seen miracles happen right in front of my eyes. I have no doubt that you can learn from every single tough situation that happens in your life. I know that things can always get worse and that it's one of the hardest things possible to believe during your situation because at the time all you can see is your own issues.
God has tested me in a million different ways and He will continue to test me but I know that no matter what things will get better. People close to me joke that I need new legs and joint replacement, which is obviously funny because I have had so many issues but in all honesty if you look at the path I have been on and the damage that has taken place, I truly am lucky that I can still walk. It's been over a year since I sprained my ankle and it's been ten months since my ankle was "repaired". The ankle repair that was supposed to take place actually made my ankle much worse. I have been living in constant pain every single day and unable to do a lot of things but during that time I have constantly forgot that I can do so much more than a lot of other people. It's extremely hard to be thankful for what we have especially when it seems impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel but that light is always there, ALWAYS. It might be too far away for you to see at the time but at some point things will clear up. "It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever".
This post may seem all over the place and the reason for that is I have so much running through my head. I have been struggling for months and months with so many doubts in my mind that all I wanted to do was just quit everything and sleep. I have had rough points in my life but nothing has been as hard as the past three months. But the awesome thing is that although I was struggling I had amazing people come beside me and force me out of it. At a time when I didn't want to do anything people forced me to get out and live. I had forgotten how to be happy and to continue to enjoy life because all I could feel was pain. I am so thankful to have amazing friends, family, work family, and a God that loves me no matter how many times I screw up. It's important to remember that no matter what someone always loves you and always wants the best for you. He is on your side no matter how dark the sky around you looks. I have finally been able to see this lately and as of right now I am unsure what the future holds for me career wise or health wise but I trust that it will all come to when it's meant to happen. Everything in our lives happens at a specific time for a reason and we may not understand that reason for days, months, years, or we may never know but trust that it will work out. Trying to force things does nothing but stress us out. Being patient may be difficult but it truly is what is best.
The reason I wrote tonight was to get things out but I hope that in the process whoever decides to read this also gets something out of it. I love all of you very much. The picture I put on this blog was taken at Del Mar tonight...my parents and I went to dinner and when we walked out that's what we saw. Never seen anything so beautiful. If you happen to be going through a tough time, don't give up. I know it's not easy but things will get better and you will learn something in the process. Keep looking up and you won't be let down and be patient because what you want may take some time! :)
Peace & Love, Tay