For the most part I was having a pretty good week and did my best to really stay positive. As I left work tonight I got really excited for all the fun things I have planned for this weekend. There are a lot of different coming down to San Diego who will be visiting at different points, which is exciting. A lot of them I haven't had the chance to see very much, so it will be nice to spend some time with each of them.
As I got back to where I am staying a huge wave of grief hit me. I received a picture of a candle that had been lit for my dad at the University of Notre Dame, which brought me to tears. They have an area at the school where they allow you to light candles for loved ones. Being able to not only visit ND but to also have the opportunity to light a candle for my dad is a dream of mine. Notre Dame is so much apart of him that I feel like I need to spend some time on the campus he was in love with.
Tomorrow is the start of another season...a season without my dad. Watching Notre Dame football had become something we did together constantly. Being around family friends and sharing our passion for ND was also something done often. My dad had Notre Dame in his blood and was such a huge fan. Win or lose he stuck beside his team and would withstand even some of the worst games in history. He was a true fan and a true alum.
As a child my dad immediately instilled in me his passion for Notre Dame football. I remember watching the movie Rudy multiple times and having him tell me what an amazing story it was. He would get so enthusiastic when he talked about his memories from school and the games he was able to go to. He truly loved everything about Notre Dame.
Yes I know, it's just the start of another season. Another season where Notre Dame fans struggle to support their team through games, only hoping they are better then previous years. But for my dads friends and family, and of course myself, this season won't be quite the same. A huge piece of what is the true passion behind watching Notre Dame football won't be there. The phone calls, texts, screaming at the tv, and the cheers when they win won't be what it used to be. Without my dad here Notre Dame football just won't be the same, and Saturdays will be anything but normal.
I want to be able to watch the games, I really do, but I just don't know if I am prepared to handle that yet. I know it seems like something so minimal but in my family it's such a huge part of our year. We were prepared months before the season. It was honestly as if the season never ended. I don't think I can handle it without my dad here. All I want is to be able to walk downstairs and see him sitting on the couch listening to "Here Comes The Irish", as he did every single game. I want to wake up to that song being so loud that I am mad that it woke me up from deep sleep. These traditions are ones that seem impossible without him.
I miss my dad so incredibly much and as I try to move forward with my life I am constantly filled with so much doubt and fear. I don't feel like I can go on without him. It's nights like tonight where all I can do is hope tomorrow is better but then I think how can it be without my best friend. I just don't know if I can get through this. I need my dad by my side, I feel so alone.
Until we meet again,
Tay
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