Monday, September 26, 2011

A Difficult Place

I know that at any point my life could end. I know that no matter what happens during my day that I must continue to trust that God has a plan for me and that His purpose for my life is so much greater then anything I could ever imagine. I also know that if God were to take my life tomorrow, that I still need to trust Him and trust His plan for me. God is the only reason I have life so who am I to think that I ever deserve more time then what He is willing to give me. The answer to that is I am nothing, I don't deserve anything and neither does anyone else. Now as I sit here and say all that, why can't I accept that my dad is no longer here? Actually it's not that I can't accept it, because I know that it was part of Gods plan and there is nothing that could have changed that. The facts are I miss my dad more then anything. All I want is to have a weekend with him where we sit and watch football with no cares in the world. I want him to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be okay. I need to know that no matter what I will make it and that he will be there every step of the way. I feel like all I see is dark in front of me and each time I see a little glimpse of hope it seems to be washed away with a huge wave. There are so many things in my life that I wish I could change, relationships I wish I could fix, decisions I need to make, and things I need to achieve but I can't seem to fulfill any of those. I would give up everything in my life to have more time with my dad. I don't think I ever realized how much I would miss him. I took each day I had with him for granted thinking he would always be there. I know I shouldn't regret anything but I do. I regret not being a better daughter and not telling him more often how much I cared and appreciated the father he was to me. If only I could go back in time...but I can't. I am stuck with a lot of what if's. What if he was still here, what if I would have been with him, what if he didn't constantly have so much on his plate and what if my family didn't run him to the ground with all their issues. Would any of those have made a difference? The only answer I have to all that is no, because in my heart I am doing my best to believe that nothing could have changed what happened. In my heart I am trusting that God will bring good from all of this and that there is something more that I can't see right now. Usually when I write I have some hidden meaning where I write for others to hear a message. I apologize but tonight you are reading whats in my heart. This is me being vulnerable and just saying what I feel rather then hiding behind fake emotions. All I can be is me and sometimes that doesn't even feel like it's good enough. I feel like I am without a lot of things right now and truthfully all I want is to have my dad with me. I miss him, plain and simple. I wake up each morning wishing he was here with me. I can't help but think about him in all I do. Maybe this is just a tough time for me and my hope is that it will end soon. I do have hope for a future, a future that consists of happiness but right now its difficult to see that. I know people have it much worse and it's amazing to me the things people can get through, but making it through is something I am struggling with. I just don't see myself making it at this point.

I love you dad with all my heart and I miss you more then anything!

God Bless,

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