Thankful Even Through the Pain

Thanksgiving is one day in the year where people feel obligated to express how thankful they are for the things in their life. It's a day that forces us to really stop and think about the events and people in our lives. It's supposed to be a relaxing day consisting of traditions that have either been passed down from family members or the start of new traditions. Spending much needed time with family and friends is something that most of us look forward to, allowing us to forget about the everyday stress of life and just enjoy good company. Of course some of the best things about Thanksgiving is the food we get to enjoy, especially the pumpkin pie.

However this year, the days leading up to Thanksgiving has consisted of constantly thinking and remembering all the incredible memories I had with my dad. He loved Thanksgiving, I think he actually loved it more then any other holiday. He enjoyed spending time with family and friends, the people that he was most thankful for. He used the day to show how much he cared and the only thing that mattered to him was that we were all together in one place. Our family tradition was being together as a family and having as many people show up as possible. He truly cared about the day and if it didn't go as planned he was disappointed in himself.

When you lose someone you never think that the traditions that once occurred would disappear as if they were nothing. But, for me, my family has decided to act as if we never celebrated this day together and are choosing to spend the holiday doing their own things. I found myself in a lonely place, an empty house, and stuck remembering the past only wishing I could return to those days. I wish I could go back to the day where we spent Thanksgiving with close friends and then two days later took a trip to USC to watch Notre Dame. It was so much fun and I remember it like it was yesterday. My dad was so excited that we were all together for the game, and although Notre Dame would end up losing, the trip was well worth it.

This week I have done my best to keep a positive mindset and some minutes seemed much easier then others. I was very quiet at times but it wasn't in a bad way, I was just spending a lot of time reflecting on the past events. I may have been spending too much time thinking about all that but it was my way of dealing with the emotions behind it all. I know that it was hard for people around me because I looked down and out. They wanted to get me out of the place. I had people offering places for me to spend Thanksgiving all week, which you would think would make things easier but in reality it was still incredibly difficult. The only place I really wanted to be was the place my dad was at, because it didn't matter where I was, as long as I was with my family.

Today is month number eleven, and at times I feel like I am no longer moving forward but instead moving backward at a quick rate. I feel like I have no strength to make it through the next two months or so. I have been told by many that this is the hardest time of the grief process and that the one year mark is a difficult period. But, I have also been told that once the year mark passes, things begin to fall into place and you learn to look to the future a little more then before. I hope that some form of light is entered into my path and suddenly things become much more clear. I struggled today to see that light. I could only see dark and I felt non-existent. I haven't felt this way in a very long time and it was hard to deal with. I could tell I was in a panic, overtaken by anxious emotions and feeling lost in the crowd. I found myself standing there starring into space wondering if I would ever regain attention to what was actually taking place. I did my best to work through it because I knew that I couldn't allow myself to succumb to those emotions. It was hard but I worked through the feeling of panic and continued my day. I had the option to go home but felt it was important for me to get through it without running away.

Tomorrow I will spend Thanksgiving with Tim and Julie, which I feel blessed to have had the many offers that I was given for dinner tomorrow. I am thankful for the people in my life who care enough to make sure I am not alone tomorrow. Everything in me wants to be alone. A big part of me wants to sit in the house that we always spent Thanksgiving, whether it's alone or not. However, I know that my dad would not want that. He would be mad at me if I turned down every offer that was given to me just to sit at home alone. He was all about showing love and if it meant going out of your way to do so then that is what he would do. He lived his life to love. I am positive that it is one of the reasons why I am surrounded by so much of it. Anyone that has been apart of my life and knows about the death of my father has done everything in their power to be there for me. People wanted me to spend the day with them, they wanted me to smile through the pain, and all day today people tried there best to get me out of the funk I was in.

Hopefully everyone understands that I wasn't trying to stay in a sad place. I didn't feel like myself at all, which was a feeling I haven't been feeling since I first started this journey. I thought I had moved past the feeling of being in a panic and feeling anxious. The hugs, jokes, and small demonstrations of love definitely helped me make it through today. Tomorrow is going to be another big step. It will be the first Thanksgiving without my dad. I don't expect it to be an easy day but I do promise to attack it with all that I have. I am thankful that I will be surrounded by people that truly care and love me all through the day. We all have something to be thankful for. Although my year has been extremely difficult, I know in my heart that I have so much to be thankful for. I know that I am lucky to have so many people that care about me and want to see me happy. I feel blessed in more ways then one. I may not be with my immediate family but I will be with family that God has given me. He has blessed me with these people to help me through things like this. Ultimately God is the only person that knows what I need and I trust that He will place me in those spots tomorrow surrounded by more love then ever.

I just want to thank each of you for showing me so much love and for allowing me to work through the grief process. Each person in my life has been there at different points and I would not be here today without all that support. Please know that I feel incredibly lucky to have the people I do in my life. Whether it seems like it or not, I am thankful for each one of you. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and remember each and every blessing that you have in your life. Don't take anything for granted and remember to tell those you love that you love them because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

God Bless,
Tay

One Step at a Time

I would be lying if I sat here and told people that I was handling the negatives that seem to be engulfing my life in a proper manner, however, I have not allowed myself to lose sight of a better day. As the holidays approach I am unable to see myself making it through the next two months in the "strong" manner that a lot of people hope to see out of me. With that being said, I do plan on giving it my all and proving my ability to make it through each day that I am so blessed to be apart of. There have been days the past few months that have been difficult to make it through and nights that felt as if they would never end. I have looked in the mirror at times and could only see someone that is falling so quickly with no hope of anything better. I began to doubt any reason to keep trying to move forward and lost all self confidence. I saw myself as someone that would never make it through all of this. I attempted to find a way out of feeling like this by keeping busy, going to church, bible study and even asking for prayers from others, something that has never been easy for me. I made some stupid decisions at times knowing where I was headed but felt unable to get out of it. The word stuck started to take on a new meaning. I continued to pray, I prayed for a better day, a day where I didn't cry the entire drive to work, home or to sleep. I noticed I pushed away help and wasn't willing to open up and tell anyone what I was feeling. For some people, reading this blog may be the first time you hear any of this and for others I may not have told you directly but you probably saw it on my face. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve has been the story of my life lately.

However, even with all that being said, there is a love that surrounds my life that is so much greater then anything else in the entire world. I am incredibly blessed to always know that I have a God that is so much bigger then all things. God has promised me a future, a future that is so much better then anything anyone else has to offer. The only thing He asks is that I keep my eyes fixed on the bigger picture and live my life in His honor. One of the verses that has always stuck out in the bible is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In this verse it is clear that being depressed isn't something that God wants to occur for the rest of my life. There are going to be periods in time that are more difficult then others and I believe that continuing to trust that I will make it through these periods in time is key to my success in the coming months. I have to keep taking steps forward and although I may move backwards at times, I can't allow myself to fall back into a place of no hope. Hope is the one thing that will keep my heart searching for something better.

Luckily, sadness isn't something that has to last forever and we are given the strength to break through the hold that depression attempts to have on our lives. As I sat in a lecture this weekend and listened to Gary Gray speak about how the body functions, a course known as chain reaction, I immediately wanted something more for myself. As time has passed I struggled knowing what to do with my life or what was going to make me happy. I have always known that I would do something that consisted of helping people, I have known that since before high school. But, the years passed and questions filled my mind about what I could see myself doing and if I would be good at those things. I have doubted myself more in the past 10 months then ever before. For some reason, losing my dad caused me to question my existence. His death caused me to wonder if I was even worth it and how I could help anyone else when I couldn't even help myself. My dad believed in my goals, my dreams and a future where I could be anything I wanted to be as long as I put my entire heart into it. He was always amazed at my ability to pursue a goal and never give up no matter what it took to get there. Somewhere on the journey through grief I lost the ability to believe in myself and lost the ability to strive to be better.

As I sat in this conference room, I heard the passion that flowed through his voice as he taught lessons on functional movement. Gary Gray in four hours was able to pull something out of me that had been missing for a very long time. I had not sat there very long before realizing that a physical therapist is what I want to be and I am willing to do what it takes to get there. Gary is an inspiration, not only to me, but to a lot of other people who can only hope to have the impact he has had on the lives of those around him. He has an amazing heart, and continues to strive to reach new goals, always wanting to learn and never willing to give up. Within hours of being at the Catamaran I had a smile on my face knowing that I had a purpose and a future. Gary helped me see that I am incredibly passionate about learning how to help people and that my heart is surrounded around one day being the best physical therapist I can be. The steps won't be easy but they will be worth it. The lives I hope to touch will be well worth the sacrifices that have to be made along the way. A spark was ignited and it made me realize that I want to be so much better then the person I currently am. I want to be able to shine Gods light into the lives of hurting and struggling people through caring for them.

I am meant to be a service to those around me and as I continue to learn I will also learn new ways of helping myself through trials. Even once I make it through this tough time, I know there will be more to come and I know that I will be forced to cling to the only thing I know will get me through...God. This post has more importance then most of my posts have had on my life. The purpose behind writing the words in my heart is to be able to come back and read what I said. I no longer want to question what I am meant to do, or doubt my ability. I know what is in my heart no matter how run down I may feel a week or weeks from now. I want to know that the events of the last few days happened for a reason. Spending the weekend with Chels and Megs in Irvine gave me a chance to refresh. It was a much needed break from life in San Diego and I believe it helped me get on track with where I want to go. As I said before it will be a slow process, but all it takes is one step at a time, one step forward no matter how many I take backward.

So, as I finish to take another step forward in this journey, I am thankful for the good and the bad days because I continue to grow. I was blessed to return home from work tonight to a package that I had been waiting for. In this package was a ring, a ring that I created in honor of my dad that I could always wear. The ring is sterling silver and has a carved out tear drop that signifies not only sad but happy tears in his memory. On the inside of the ring there is an engraving, which says "until we meet again", because the Irish blessing that consists of that saying was a favorite to my father who graduated from Notre Dame. The saying also has meaning to me as well because I can't wait until we meet again and until that day is meant to happen I need to live a life that is worth something. I know that my dad wants so much more for me and it wouldn't make him a very proud father if I took the easy road or chose to sell myself short. With that being said, dad, until we meet again I know that God will hold me in the palm of his hand with your hand also playing a big role. I love you with all my heart, always and forever.

God Bless,
Tay

As Time Goes By...

It's been over a month since I wrote on my page and I wish I could say that a lot has changed but in reality it really hasn't. I have been through a number of very emotional days consisting of moments of happiness, as well as sadness. It's been tough to figure out how to live as normal as possible without allowing my emotions to affect my daily life. There have been days at work where I struggled to focus mentally and allowed myself to collapse. It's difficult at times to separate all that is occurring in my life from my position at work, however, I work in a field that doesn't allow me to hide from those emotions. On those bad days it's very noticeable for everyone around me and it becomes worse because I know I am allowing myself to succumb to all that is taking place. Recently things have occurred that I can't seem to release from my thought process and because of it all aspects of my life have began to spiral downward. On good days work is my safe haven, a place where I can smile and drop my worries at the door. My job is the one thing in my life that gives me purpose and a hope for the future. I truly love what I do on a daily basis no matter how difficult it is at times. I have a great support system and a lot of people who care for me more then I could have ever asked for. It truly is a blessing. 

Another blessing is the bible study that I was invited to about three weeks ago. The group of women that I spend my Tuesday nights with are truly incredible. The fact that I know that I have so many people praying for me is a positive light in the middle of a lot of darkness. It brings a different form of light to my life and helps me strive to be the best person I can be each day. I have noticed the positive influence this group has had on my daily living and my ability to try and see the positive in all that I do. Of course, some days are much worse then others but I continue to pray for a better day.

After I lost my dad I struggled with the ability to focus, felt in a daze at times, and also noticed that working was easier when I kept busy. Life was easier when I kept busy. The past week or so I have been noticing similar issues that I once dealt with as I attempted to return back to "normal" life. At work, I do much better early in the morning and can stay on task easier when it's busy. I have seen a change in my ability to focus for long periods and even feel like at times I am not actually present for certain events. Sleep has been difficult and I never feel very rested. I continue to shut myself out from most people in my life and have been spending a lot of time alone unless at work. I thought about it the other day and I really don't know where I would be without work because I think I would have shut myself out from everything. I also noticed that I no longer share what's really on my mind and have kept a lot of my feelings hidden. I wait until I am alone to fall apart and then feel lost. I am unable to explain this change and at times it's been difficult to deal with. I continue to do the best that I can each and every day. I know that I haven't been dealing with some of life's situations in the proper manner but hopefully over time all of that changes. I know that I need to let people into my life rather then just wearing my emotions on my sleeve but bugging people is still a very difficult thing for me. I just feel like my life will continue to be anything but normal but that doesn't mean that anyone else should deal with that.

I can't stop thinking about the fact that it has almost been a year since I lost my dad. For most this date will mean nothing and they may not even remember the day it occurred. As for me, it's hard to believe that it has been that long and it's even more difficult for me to not think about whats ahead. I wish I knew how the next two months would turn out but I can't know and I won't know until each day happens. Luckily things I felt the need to worry about are things I actually don't need to worry about at all. The people around me are aware and prepared for whatever these months may bring. The fact that I don't have to stress about anything helps so much because each situation will bring it's own issues. I am prepared for whatever may take place and a part of me is looking forward to this chapter being over with. I know that may sound bad to some of you but I feel like getting through the first year is a big step and I can only hope that this next year is better then the last. As these months go by I will no longer have to deal with as many "firsts", and although I still wont fully be prepared for how I handle things, I will at least know that I previously made it through those same days. It's a way for me to look at the next year in a positive manner and gives me the ability to see light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

I love my dad with all my heart and I think about him constantly. I wish he was here more then anything but I know that no matter how much I want that, it won't bring him back. He is with me whether I feel he is or not and that makes me feel a little better going forward. I don't want to lose hope and I will keep praying that each aspect of my life falls back into place. As for the coming weeks, I will give it my best.

Love to all and God bless!

Tay