Wednesday, November 9, 2011

As Time Goes By...

It's been over a month since I wrote on my page and I wish I could say that a lot has changed but in reality it really hasn't. I have been through a number of very emotional days consisting of moments of happiness, as well as sadness. It's been tough to figure out how to live as normal as possible without allowing my emotions to affect my daily life. There have been days at work where I struggled to focus mentally and allowed myself to collapse. It's difficult at times to separate all that is occurring in my life from my position at work, however, I work in a field that doesn't allow me to hide from those emotions. On those bad days it's very noticeable for everyone around me and it becomes worse because I know I am allowing myself to succumb to all that is taking place. Recently things have occurred that I can't seem to release from my thought process and because of it all aspects of my life have began to spiral downward. On good days work is my safe haven, a place where I can smile and drop my worries at the door. My job is the one thing in my life that gives me purpose and a hope for the future. I truly love what I do on a daily basis no matter how difficult it is at times. I have a great support system and a lot of people who care for me more then I could have ever asked for. It truly is a blessing. 

Another blessing is the bible study that I was invited to about three weeks ago. The group of women that I spend my Tuesday nights with are truly incredible. The fact that I know that I have so many people praying for me is a positive light in the middle of a lot of darkness. It brings a different form of light to my life and helps me strive to be the best person I can be each day. I have noticed the positive influence this group has had on my daily living and my ability to try and see the positive in all that I do. Of course, some days are much worse then others but I continue to pray for a better day.

After I lost my dad I struggled with the ability to focus, felt in a daze at times, and also noticed that working was easier when I kept busy. Life was easier when I kept busy. The past week or so I have been noticing similar issues that I once dealt with as I attempted to return back to "normal" life. At work, I do much better early in the morning and can stay on task easier when it's busy. I have seen a change in my ability to focus for long periods and even feel like at times I am not actually present for certain events. Sleep has been difficult and I never feel very rested. I continue to shut myself out from most people in my life and have been spending a lot of time alone unless at work. I thought about it the other day and I really don't know where I would be without work because I think I would have shut myself out from everything. I also noticed that I no longer share what's really on my mind and have kept a lot of my feelings hidden. I wait until I am alone to fall apart and then feel lost. I am unable to explain this change and at times it's been difficult to deal with. I continue to do the best that I can each and every day. I know that I haven't been dealing with some of life's situations in the proper manner but hopefully over time all of that changes. I know that I need to let people into my life rather then just wearing my emotions on my sleeve but bugging people is still a very difficult thing for me. I just feel like my life will continue to be anything but normal but that doesn't mean that anyone else should deal with that.

I can't stop thinking about the fact that it has almost been a year since I lost my dad. For most this date will mean nothing and they may not even remember the day it occurred. As for me, it's hard to believe that it has been that long and it's even more difficult for me to not think about whats ahead. I wish I knew how the next two months would turn out but I can't know and I won't know until each day happens. Luckily things I felt the need to worry about are things I actually don't need to worry about at all. The people around me are aware and prepared for whatever these months may bring. The fact that I don't have to stress about anything helps so much because each situation will bring it's own issues. I am prepared for whatever may take place and a part of me is looking forward to this chapter being over with. I know that may sound bad to some of you but I feel like getting through the first year is a big step and I can only hope that this next year is better then the last. As these months go by I will no longer have to deal with as many "firsts", and although I still wont fully be prepared for how I handle things, I will at least know that I previously made it through those same days. It's a way for me to look at the next year in a positive manner and gives me the ability to see light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

I love my dad with all my heart and I think about him constantly. I wish he was here more then anything but I know that no matter how much I want that, it won't bring him back. He is with me whether I feel he is or not and that makes me feel a little better going forward. I don't want to lose hope and I will keep praying that each aspect of my life falls back into place. As for the coming weeks, I will give it my best.

Love to all and God bless!

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