Monday, November 14, 2011

One Step at a Time

I would be lying if I sat here and told people that I was handling the negatives that seem to be engulfing my life in a proper manner, however, I have not allowed myself to lose sight of a better day. As the holidays approach I am unable to see myself making it through the next two months in the "strong" manner that a lot of people hope to see out of me. With that being said, I do plan on giving it my all and proving my ability to make it through each day that I am so blessed to be apart of. There have been days the past few months that have been difficult to make it through and nights that felt as if they would never end. I have looked in the mirror at times and could only see someone that is falling so quickly with no hope of anything better. I began to doubt any reason to keep trying to move forward and lost all self confidence. I saw myself as someone that would never make it through all of this. I attempted to find a way out of feeling like this by keeping busy, going to church, bible study and even asking for prayers from others, something that has never been easy for me. I made some stupid decisions at times knowing where I was headed but felt unable to get out of it. The word stuck started to take on a new meaning. I continued to pray, I prayed for a better day, a day where I didn't cry the entire drive to work, home or to sleep. I noticed I pushed away help and wasn't willing to open up and tell anyone what I was feeling. For some people, reading this blog may be the first time you hear any of this and for others I may not have told you directly but you probably saw it on my face. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve has been the story of my life lately.

However, even with all that being said, there is a love that surrounds my life that is so much greater then anything else in the entire world. I am incredibly blessed to always know that I have a God that is so much bigger then all things. God has promised me a future, a future that is so much better then anything anyone else has to offer. The only thing He asks is that I keep my eyes fixed on the bigger picture and live my life in His honor. One of the verses that has always stuck out in the bible is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In this verse it is clear that being depressed isn't something that God wants to occur for the rest of my life. There are going to be periods in time that are more difficult then others and I believe that continuing to trust that I will make it through these periods in time is key to my success in the coming months. I have to keep taking steps forward and although I may move backwards at times, I can't allow myself to fall back into a place of no hope. Hope is the one thing that will keep my heart searching for something better.

Luckily, sadness isn't something that has to last forever and we are given the strength to break through the hold that depression attempts to have on our lives. As I sat in a lecture this weekend and listened to Gary Gray speak about how the body functions, a course known as chain reaction, I immediately wanted something more for myself. As time has passed I struggled knowing what to do with my life or what was going to make me happy. I have always known that I would do something that consisted of helping people, I have known that since before high school. But, the years passed and questions filled my mind about what I could see myself doing and if I would be good at those things. I have doubted myself more in the past 10 months then ever before. For some reason, losing my dad caused me to question my existence. His death caused me to wonder if I was even worth it and how I could help anyone else when I couldn't even help myself. My dad believed in my goals, my dreams and a future where I could be anything I wanted to be as long as I put my entire heart into it. He was always amazed at my ability to pursue a goal and never give up no matter what it took to get there. Somewhere on the journey through grief I lost the ability to believe in myself and lost the ability to strive to be better.

As I sat in this conference room, I heard the passion that flowed through his voice as he taught lessons on functional movement. Gary Gray in four hours was able to pull something out of me that had been missing for a very long time. I had not sat there very long before realizing that a physical therapist is what I want to be and I am willing to do what it takes to get there. Gary is an inspiration, not only to me, but to a lot of other people who can only hope to have the impact he has had on the lives of those around him. He has an amazing heart, and continues to strive to reach new goals, always wanting to learn and never willing to give up. Within hours of being at the Catamaran I had a smile on my face knowing that I had a purpose and a future. Gary helped me see that I am incredibly passionate about learning how to help people and that my heart is surrounded around one day being the best physical therapist I can be. The steps won't be easy but they will be worth it. The lives I hope to touch will be well worth the sacrifices that have to be made along the way. A spark was ignited and it made me realize that I want to be so much better then the person I currently am. I want to be able to shine Gods light into the lives of hurting and struggling people through caring for them.

I am meant to be a service to those around me and as I continue to learn I will also learn new ways of helping myself through trials. Even once I make it through this tough time, I know there will be more to come and I know that I will be forced to cling to the only thing I know will get me through...God. This post has more importance then most of my posts have had on my life. The purpose behind writing the words in my heart is to be able to come back and read what I said. I no longer want to question what I am meant to do, or doubt my ability. I know what is in my heart no matter how run down I may feel a week or weeks from now. I want to know that the events of the last few days happened for a reason. Spending the weekend with Chels and Megs in Irvine gave me a chance to refresh. It was a much needed break from life in San Diego and I believe it helped me get on track with where I want to go. As I said before it will be a slow process, but all it takes is one step at a time, one step forward no matter how many I take backward.

So, as I finish to take another step forward in this journey, I am thankful for the good and the bad days because I continue to grow. I was blessed to return home from work tonight to a package that I had been waiting for. In this package was a ring, a ring that I created in honor of my dad that I could always wear. The ring is sterling silver and has a carved out tear drop that signifies not only sad but happy tears in his memory. On the inside of the ring there is an engraving, which says "until we meet again", because the Irish blessing that consists of that saying was a favorite to my father who graduated from Notre Dame. The saying also has meaning to me as well because I can't wait until we meet again and until that day is meant to happen I need to live a life that is worth something. I know that my dad wants so much more for me and it wouldn't make him a very proud father if I took the easy road or chose to sell myself short. With that being said, dad, until we meet again I know that God will hold me in the palm of his hand with your hand also playing a big role. I love you with all my heart, always and forever.

God Bless,

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