Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Small Reminder

As the waves crash I am reminded of their beautiful sound. Although I live in San Diego, I don't travel to the beach very often. Lately I have been contemplating taking a trip because there is a sense of relaxation that occurs every time I visit. It's a feeling of being free from all of lifes troubles. Even if its just for five minutes, my mind travels to a different place. People swarm the area to take in its beautiful features, possibly visiting from another city, state or even another country. Each person one after another in awe of what they see. I, however, take it for granted because of the shortness in distance from my house. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people, seeing the beach for the first time and truly understanding its beauty. But, after little thought I was again reminded of how blessed I am to be in the presence of something God created, and not only just something He created but a piece of His creation that describes beauty in a multitude of ways. It doesn't matter what the weather is like outside because the waves crashing against the rocks is still beautiful. The ocean provides a comfort because no matter what is thrown it's way, the end result is always magnificent to look at.

While watching the crashing waves against the cliffs, I heard a cry. The cry was coming from a baby seal who had been abandoned by his mother because a person felt the need to walk on the beach to get a closer look. The baby seal hasn't been alive long but is already battling loneliness and heartache. There is a very good chance the baby will never see its mom again and will more then likely die from not only a broken heart but also from not receiving the nutrients it needs to live. It killed me to listen to its cry and watch it lay in pain. I, like the baby seal, feel like I have lost my way. Unlike the baby seal, I was lucky enough to be left with ways of coping the difficult situations that occur in our lives. My dad taught me lessons and taught me how to make it on my own if that was ever to happen. The seal was left with nothing. I may understand what its like to lose someone special but I couldn't imagine being left with no real chance to make it. You may wonder the meaning behind that story and the relevance a baby seal has on my life but for me, it was an immediate eye opener. I was quickly reminded that even during the pain, my dad is by my side and has given me the tools to make it past all this. 

I have felt lost lately with no real understanding of how I can get through this. I think back to the start of this all and I feel like I had more hope. That hope seems to be covered by dark clouds, I know that same hope is still there, I just can't find it. I don't plan on giving up but I do feel defeated. I can't find the strength to remind myself I have already made it this far. I keep thinking I must give myself the time that is needed and it will get easier, however, the more time that goes by the harder it is to move forward. Lately, I feel as if I am forced to say goodbye every morning I open my eyes. At times, I find myself wishing I could just sleep and not have to face the day ahead of me. I don't know who I am anymore and all I want is to go back to the person I once was. Someone who has been through a lot but could always trust that in the end something good would come out of it all. I hate feeling like everything about me is negative, because that is not who I want to be. I also feel as if I am making things worse because I am so self conscious of how my mood is. I try to fight myself through the difficult days and in return I am exhausted. I am still struggling with how to accept the emotions that arrive and how to deal with them without affecting those around me. I thought I was getting better at dealing with the array of emotions I was feeling, but obviously I am not.

The main issue is I miss my dad and there is nothing filling that void right now. I want to feel better and want to be happy but have never found something so simple to be so difficult. I will keep trying and hoping for a better tomorrow. Each morning I wake up I have made it a goal to immediately remember the good things that are all around me. One thing that is very special is the people who are apart of my every day. I am lucky to be surrounded by so much love and care. I just wish I knew how to use what I have available to me. All I can say is as much as I need to be patient with myself, I also need everyone to be patient with me because I also understand how hard it is for each of you. I am trying to find myself and one day I will but until then I am still so very thankful for each and every one of you.

Love you all,

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