Happiness...what exactly does that mean?

A common theme in my life right now is happiness. Those around me are in search of it, speaking of it, and contemplating every aspect of their lives in order to figure out what has been keeping them from truly being happy. As they each do some serious soul searching, I too, have been thinking a lot about the term happiness. My thoughts have been surrounded around the real meaning behind a word that can honestly have so many meanings to each and every person alive on this earth. The things that make you happy may not be the same for me and vise verse. So, with that being said can we actually help one another define a word that has so many definitions? Can we impact someones life and bring them happiness? Or does our impact on someones life only occur if the other person is willing to look inside themselves and be honest with what their heart is truly feeling? Personally, this journey of understanding, acknowledging, and "searching" for happiness began almost four years ago, the moment my dad was taken from this world. However, what I have come to find is that was a tragic event in my life that brought forth an issue that surfaced long before December 23rd, 2010. I have also come to realize that it is an issue that has been present in the lives of some of my closest friends for years and years.

According to Webster happiness is defined as the state of being happy, the state of well-being and contentment, as well as a pleasurable or satisfying experience. As I read these words and re-read these words I couldn't help but notice some very important details in how this ever so present word is described. First of all it says state of being happy or state of well-being. If you really think about what those words are saying it proves that happiness will not necessarily be an every second, every minute, or even every day feeling. A "state" is defined as a way of living or existing, which means your state of being is actually how you choose to live and exist in this world. As you look at the definition again, happiness is a way of living, it's your ability to be content with the way that your life is. Happiness is a choice, your choice, not anyone in your life but your own decision to accept the outcome of each situation in your life and be willing to use it to make your way of living better rather than worse.

Reading that last paragraph may upset you because if I wasn't sitting here writing it I would probably read that and feel a little bit of anger. It's a paragraph that puts a lot of pressure on each of us as an individual and most of the time humans hate having the blame placed on themselves. However, I want you to take a moment to actually sit there and contemplate a few things...

1. First off, take a second to think about what truly makes you happy, whether it be people, places, stuff, or even entertainment.
2. Next, why do those things bring you happiness?
3. If those things did not exist, would you still be happy with yourself and your life?
4. Are there things in your life that you feel you could not live without or go on living if they were to disappear? 
5. If you answered yes to the previous question, are you thankful for those things or do you take those things for granted?
6. Do you spend your time trying to improve your own life or do you expect others to improve it for you? 
7. Lastly, when you find things that actually make you happy do you make a point to not only keep those things in your life but be grateful that you have found something that improves your life rather than making your life more difficult or more negative?

For the last three to almost four years of my life I have used the death of my father followed by the death of my grandma as an excuse to live the life I have been living. Every time I went through a difficult period of time, felt lost, searched for answers or whatever else you may want to call it, it ultimately would come back to the fact that I lost my father. Not only was this my inner feeling but outwardly it was every ones reaction or response. It was engraved in my head that I had reason to do all the things I was choosing to do because "I lost my father". The issue I have found with that is living my life in that way is absolutely no help to my future. Believing that is the source of my "unhappiness" isn't going to bring my father back. I have never expected people to feel sorry for me because in my heart I know and believe that every single one of us goes through life dealing with our own battles. Yes, some may seem more difficult than other's but the fact is comparing trials is a waste of precious time. Looking at others lives in jealousy is a waste of what God has placed you on this earth to fulfill because all those things that you may have listed above could be taken from you in the blink of an eye. Whether it be people, places, things or whatever else it may look like to you, those things could be ripped from you before you even know it and then what...? I will tell you what happens, you are left there alone trying to search for answers as to why you suddenly feel lost in a world that continues moving at a quick pace around you. It no longer matters who is around you. Those around you can't fix the way that you feel or choose to act. Those people can't replace what is missing in your heart. 

To answer one of the first questions I asked, people CAN NOT make you happy. People CAN influence your state of being by making experiences you have with them pleasurable or exciting. People CAN make your world a better place by loving you and joining in on the journey or path you have been chosen to walk, but people, things, or places CAN NOT be your only source of happiness. Happiness starts with your ability to wake up each morning in a different state of mind. It's your ability to look over all the negatives in your life and enjoy whatever positives may exist even if the only positive is the fact that you are still alive and breathing. People all across the world are fighting for their lives day in and day out. Don't you think that they wish that they could wake up without pain, with the ability to live a "normal" life and free of whatever burden is holding them back from being considered "normal" in a world that is far from it? Every one of us does it. At some time or another each and every one of us has woke up with the mind set of "poor me". The truth is the "poor me" attitude won't make anything better and the more you suffocate your life around that statement the worse off you are going to be. We all have it hard. This world is far from easy to live in and ultimately the state of being happy is something that is missing from so many lives. However, if the kid in a wheel chair, the man gasping for every breathe he can, the person battling a horrendous disease, or the every day American struggling to eat and live, can still find it in them to love and appreciate all aspects or even most aspects of their life, what is stopping you?

I am not perfect and I never once will claim to be. To be honest nothing is ever perfect. I have made a lot of terrible decisions and I have ran to some of the worse things I possibly could. I have treated people poorly and I have woke up for days, weeks, and even months hoping that people would feel sorry for my situation, that people would understand why my life at times has collapsed right before my eyes, and would also excuse the fact that I am still a very lost individual even after almost four years of time passing. The truth is not one of you should feel sorry for the way my life is because my life is my life and no matter how many trials I am forced to go through, each and every one of them has a purpose. The same goes for each of you. The struggles you have been through, the inner battle you deal with, the daily struggle of searching for what makes you happy has made you who you are. If your life had been any different, you would be different, and you may have missed out on certain events and people that have entered your life. Be grateful for the things that are currently in your life. Be grateful for the people in your life because they are in your life for a reason. You may not understand their purpose just yet, but they have purpose. Allow them to be apart of your journey. Allow them to walk beside you and help guide your steps. Don't expect them to make every day perfect but expect them to be there in those moments you really need a friend. That is what true friendship is all about. Every single aspect of your life has purpose but it starts with you being able to see those things and acknowledge the good rather than focusing on the bad. The longer you spend re-living the past whether it be how you treated people, how people treated you, decisions you made, bad choices or any other negative you can think of will ultimately only keep you further from being content with your current life and the possibilities of what your future could entail. 

Take some time to think about your life. Think about the things you are grateful for. If it's people in your life, tell them you are grateful for what they bring to your life because tomorrow they could be gone. Acknowledge the positives in your life. Acknowledge how far you have come from certain situations in your life that brought so much darkness, those situations that you could never see yourself making it through but you have. No matter where you started you have made gains in a positive direction but you can't allow yourself to fall back into how things used to be. The way things used to be is in the past and those things are keeping you from seeing what is right in front of you or even what is to come. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for all the positives and negatives because they have made me the person I am today. I am thankful that I am still alive and able to write or do all the other things that I love to do. I am thankful for all the relationships in my life currently and in the past because they have taught me so much about myself, what I deserve, and what I want. I am thankful for you and that you have taken the time to read my blog. Be grateful. Appreciate your life, all aspects, good or bad. And always remember that giving up is the easy way out and doesn't make any ones life any easier.

God Bless,

Taylor 

All About Love Ya'll

There is a man by the name of Mahatma Gandhi I mean who am I kidding I am sure every person that takes the time to read what I am writing has heard of this incredibly inspirational man. Gandhi is a person that understood the importance of life but even more than that he understood the meaning of love. Love is interesting because we meet someone and at some point in the relationship you just fall in love with that person. Sometimes it happens without us even knowing. Not only do you realize this person is worth having in your life but you also realize that any baggage they may come with means nothing in the big picture. Its during those first few hangouts that you realize this person is someone you will go to battle with. Some of us are even willing to deal with circumstances that others are unable to understand or grasp. Love has different meanings for each of us but in the big scheme of things the reality of it all is that you have found someone that you aren't willing to give up on. You have found a person that is worth all the heartache and pain because they have something that nobody else does. Unfortunately with all those emotions also comes a whole lot of struggle. Opening your heart to someone is never easy. Allowing someone into your life to see every positive and negative that your life bag may be filled with is a huge risk. You must trust that at the end of it all win or lose the relationship will have some sort of purpose in your life. The risk involved forces us to fully let go of everything we thought we understood about the meaning of truly loving someone. At times we are forced to step into a situation where our minds know the outcome before we even begin, yet we believe that the current love endures all future pain. 

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make her yours forever."

The quote above is probably one of my favorite quotes by Ghandi. The reason I love this quote so much is because you truly don't know the impact that your life will have on someone else's and you also may never understand the impact another persons life may have on yours. Sometimes I believe we think too much. We think too much about the outcome or what could be rather than allowing ourselves to just live in the moment and take each day as it happens.The thing that is even more interesting about that statement is there are countries and religions that force a person to have their future decided for them. Any situation that presents itself along the way means nothing to the big picture of their life. Even worse than that they are in no control of their own destiny. Their destiny lies in the hands of another human being, their family, however their family has no care of what their heart truly wants or feels. I want you to take a second to imagine what it would be like to be forced to love a person that you have zero feelings for? I want you to imagine walking away from true love without having any choice at all. I also want you to imagine having to let someone go that never did anything wrong with no choice in the matter. You think your love life is difficult. Most of us have a choice. Most of us have the ability to love who we want and to rid ourselves of those who aren't right for us yet we tend to be the ones who are most afraid. Afraid of allowing our hearts to feel what our minds may be scared of. Love is a risk but its a risk that is so worth it. Every day you wake up you take a risk. You walk out the door and that risk increases by a huge amount. You have no control in the outcome of the day. However, choices you make throughout the day may increase the risk involved in that days outcome. Our passion for specific activities could potentially have an effect on how our day turns out. Loving someone is no different. Our choices have the ability to effect the outcome. Sometimes our choices prove how much someone means to us and at the same time some of our choices prove to a person that their worth may be nothing. 

Why are we so afraid of having our hearts broken? The reason we are so afraid is because the pain is so great that it leaves us questioning our life, existence, and more importantly it forces us to look inside and question our worth. We begin to acknowledge all our issues, our past and the things we never dealt with. We begin questioning if we are deserving and slowly we become more afraid than ever before. We are reminded of our past. Past relationships, heartache, pain and the suffering we endured throughout it all. As we are reminded of all these things fear enters and completely takes over. What would your life look like if fear did not exist? Because in reality fear is the driver of a lot of our lives. Fear chooses our career path, our friends, choices and ultimately the outcome of our lives. The past is difficult to look back on thats for damn sure but our past also builds our future. If we focus on the positives then we have the ability to take life by the reigns and truly live each day with the hope of only bettering our lives. On the other side if we focus on the negative our past begins to be the pilot of every choice we make day in and day out. We tend to push people away and run from every good or bad thing that life may throw our direction. The sad part of that is we miss out on so much by doing that. Life is not easy and we were never promised it would be. If life was perfect nothing that is good would ever be as good and we wouldn't understand what struggles or trials were. Every day would just be constant, never changing and never forcing us to grow as individuals. Fear can truly change your life. Fear can rip away all the good that enters and replace it with constant pain and disappointment. 

Most of us all understand what it feels like to have our heart broken. If our past has been filled with constant pain and turmoil it makes it even more difficult to let ourselves fall for someone. If you are anything like me when you hear someone say, "its better to have loved and loss than to never love at all", you get frustrated. The reason frustration takes over is because no matter what pain you are feeling you know that statement to be true. Some people pass through this life never having the ability to truly understand what it means or feels to be in love or feel love. The amount of love missing from this world is insane. It is the reason the suicide rate continues to increase. It is the reason people jump to hurting themselves or  attempting to end their lives because in that moment, moments before and even moments after they don't feel loved. Love is even more powerful than any of us can explain. We try to explain love through poems, quotes, or even better blogs, yet the only thing that truly understands the depths of love is the heart. Unfortunately with the power of our mind we are unable to grasp the true importance of allowing our hearts to take that risk, open ourselves up and fully understand that love is painful at times because instead we just get scared and run. Our minds tell our hearts that loving someone only causes pain. The world tells us that we should love specific types of people or specific genders and that if we don't we won't fit in or we aren't "normal". Love is about finding someone you are compatible with, someone who loves you for who you are on good days and bad. Its about finding someone that makes you smile and can make all the fear you have worth it because they are worth that risk. Yes, love is a big risk, Yes, its possible that your heart will break but your heart is not made of glass, it will mend and you will find the person you are meant to be with. They will make you understand why it has never worked with anyone else. They will bring sunshine to areas of your life that you never thought was possible. They will live their life in hopes of making your life better and ultimately spending their days proving how much you mean to them. 

Society's idea of love is so incredibly skewed. If you love someone, love them and if its meant to be it will be. Your relationship with someone is no one else's business. Your reason for fighting for that person shouldn't have an affect on anyone but you. Truth is if you find someone that you truly think is worth fighting for, don't let that person go. There js a reason they entered your life and you don't want to let them go too soon. But with that being said sometimes you also have to let people go because not everyone is meant to be in your future.Sometimes even what we think our hearts want isn't whats right. Love is confusing, its painful, exhausting, and sometimes it really just makes absolutely no sense. But then that day comes when all of it makes sense and you know in that moment that you have found a person that you truly will go to hell and back for. Finding that person makes all the trials and struggles worth it. Its in those moments you know that you will never give up because that persons positives and negatives are what will ultimately shape your entire future. Allow yourself to love. Challenge yourself to open your heart to others whether its a friendship or a relationship. Try to understand why those in your life have chosen to not give up on someone. Maybe it makes no sense to you but that doesn't matter because it makes sense to them. Their love story has no affect on you or your story so stop trying to understand it. Live, love and keep fighting for those people who show they are worth it. 

God Bless,

Taylor

 

 

A Year In Review

 View from the Starbucks in Downtown Denver

Any of you that generally follow my blog know that it usually takes something dramatic occurring in my life to get me to the point where I feel the need to write. This time is no different. However I have been contemplating writing for a while now and although it hasn't taken place, I truly believe there is no better time than now. I finished my day of work at 10 am this morning and having all obligations completed so early in the day allows me the ability to plan activities that bring me some sort of peace. Something that clears my mind and relaxes the stress that life tends to cause. Most days I would have no hesitation in choosing the gym over every other option but today was different. Today, my heart is in a unique place of needing to write not only for myself but for each of you who have been there day in and day out since this journey began, as well as, those of you who have come along and been my rock and support in this new and unfamiliar place that I currently call home. Next week marks one year. One year since I packed "some" of my stuff, my mom reminds me often how much is still in the house, and moved to Colorado to embark on a new journey. It started off as a journey to figure out my career but in reality it has turned out to be a journey of finding myself. A journey that has not only left me questioning my future but also my existence. I have found myself in a very interesting place, a place where I have never cried so much and have never been forced to actually deal with a multitude of things that I have ran away from for a very long time. Yes, you read that correctly. The one thing I always told myself that I never wanted and I have come to find out that is all I have done. Most of you are probably thinking "well she really didn't run away like most people would", and you are right about that. Interestingly enough I have been running from these issues since even before I lost my dad. The "issues" that are coming to surface are thoughts, emotions, and insecurities that I have been attempting to mask for most of my life.

In the past four days the flashback on my life has been severe. The flashback of the day I lost my dad became even more real than it ever had. It was in those moments that I realized just like every other thing in my life I have been running away from actually accepting that my dad is no longer here. I have spent more hours crying than I have in years. I have had no appetite. As usual I have found myself living in the gym, spending anywhere from four to six hours and some days going twice. The pain in my chest has been unbearable at times. I have spent more hours alone stuck in my own head than I have in months. Without going into a lot of detail, my mental state has been really bad and it's a state that I am not proud to even sit here and talk about. I should have seen this coming though. The past five months or so have been pretty rough with a lot of different ups and downs. I have found myself questioning the person I am along with the person I want to become. I have been incredibly lost and haven't wanted to admit to anyone how bad it really was. I have found myself running to the completely wrong things knowing that the only result would be a complete life collapse. The bad thing is in those deciding moments for some reason I haven't cared enough to make the right decision. The person I have become is a person I don't even know. I have a hard time looking in the mirror and seeing myself for what I know in my heart I am worthy of. I now understand what people mean when they say they cant seem to find the ability to see their self-worth. A lot of things have become extremely real to me, things most people never want to face but even with that said I need to face them. I need to accept help and I also need to get help. I need to get my life back.

As I sit here with so much flowing through my head, it's hard to even write it all down or find the words that I want to speak. Some of this may be difficult for some of you to read because it's very possible that I am being too honest. The thing is though...I don't care. I don't care how hard this is to read because this is who I am and it's the side of me that needs to be seen. This isn't a cry out for attention or help it's putting myself on blast for anyone and everyone to read. It's forcing me to face every single thing that I am currently dealing with and not run away. As a kid I found ways of hiding everything I was dealing with. Sometimes the things I used to hide were not the best choices. Over time those options were what I went to when I felt myself falling. As I got older I ran to different things because stuff such as alcohol and drugs were readily available to me at the snap of a finger. Again, over time I have learned to run to those same things. The difference now is I tend to know what I am doing and in the past I haven't always known or maybe it was the same situation that I just didn't care in the moment. I didn't view myself as negatively as I do now. I wasn't as hard on myself as I am now. I also didn't have people around that could see what I was doing.

I can't honestly sit here and tell you that I was in a much better place before I lost my dad because I don't know if that was the case. And since losing my dad, happiness has come in small doses. I haven't truly been happy with my life, my present, or myself in a very long time. I have been hiding behind a lot of lies and most of those lies I actually began to believe. After losing my dad I put everything I had in to the people around me. Sick people, hurt people, those in need, friends, family and anyone else that came along for the ride. It's what I always did. The minute things became difficult in my life I put everything I had into those around me allowing me to hide my own issues. The problem was and still is that I never fixed myself. I never even attempted to fix my own heart and repair the damage that the death of my father caused along with the darkness my past had caused. I tried to live a normal life smiling and laughing because that was what everyone wanted from me. At the time having a smile on my face was more important to those around me, so I did my best to smile. I spent countless hours working, working out, and fundraising in hopes of escaping everything I was feeling. The truth is someone as hurt and lost as I was had no real ability to help others. Yes, it sure did make things easier but in the long run it has made things much more difficult. I am now in a different state but still dealing with similar issues that existed in San Diego. I don't want to sit here and say that I was running from actually dealing with the stuff I needed to but now that I look back on my decision and I can definitely admit that I believed moving here would give me a fresh new start. I was hoping that without the constant reminders of my dad everywhere I went that I would be able to focus on the goals I had for myself, but the one major problem is I don't really have true goals for myself. Interestingly enough with one week left before that year mark that I talked so much about these past four days have been filled with extreme realizations.

Today I find myself in the same coffee shop that I used to visit daily the first few months I moved to Colorado. Those first few months were filled with the hopes of figuring out the path I was going to take. I searched for jobs, wrote in my blog, listened to music and found peace in this very special Starbucks that is surrounded by pure beauty. However, the reasoning behind coming here today is far more important than any job search could ever be. This is about me. Nobody but me. I no longer can be that person that constantly puts myself, my emotions, and my thoughts on the back burner. I have to face what is going on. I have allowed people to manipulate me and attempt to steal any happiness I have and it's causing me to physically and mentally break down. The pain I am feeling is much more severe than any surgery or injury I have had. I have allowed people to hurt one of the most important things in the body, my heart. I have given the wrong people the ability to use my life against me. But rather than walking away I have stuck around and took a beating because I didn't want to hurt anyone no matter how bad I was hurting. I have spent most of my life doing what others wanted of me or needed of me in hopes of making their life better even just the slightest bit. I have placed some people above the rest of the world because I was scared of losing them. I have been living this way for years. I am now realizing that I have lived a life of making others happy rather than taking the time to figure out what makes me happy. Some of those same people have acted as if they cared about what made me happy but in reality when it came down to it what I truly wanted really had no meaning. I have watched people find new ways of attacking me, my life and the way I have dealt with the death of my father. It has been an experience that I never thought would occur but somehow underneath all the pain I have been able to see how it has ultimately made me a better person.

At this point in this post you may be wondering things such as; what have I learned, how have I changed, what are my next steps, and how do I get my life back. The answer to those questions are going to take time. But I can sit here and admit to all of you that I have a core group of people in Colorado and in a lot of other states who have been by my side every step of the way. These people have taken the time to remind me that no matter what anyone tries to take from me they can't change the person I am. I have been taught that true friends want you to be happy. Those friends will love you unconditionally no matter who you are, what you want or how you live your life. They will support you constantly even through the dumbest decisions you may make. They will see the pain in your eyes and be available at a moments notice. No matter how many mistakes you make they will be there picking you back up and helping you find yourself. Sometimes those people are the most unexpected people you could ever imagine. Sometimes the people you expect are nowhere to be seen. But in time you learn that just because someone has always been a piece of your life doesn't mean they always will be. People come and go but the ones who matter stick around. Those who matter will push you to be the best version of yourself even when you don't know who you are or where you should even begin searching.

Truth is the past is an uncomfortable reminder of a lot of pain and heartache especially when you are forced to face it. However, the future can be just as scary because sometimes the last thing you want to get rid of is things of the past. Stepping away from who you thought you were or what you thought you wanted is never an easy thing. Being confident in what you deserve and willing to risk whatever it takes to have those things in your life is incredibly scary. We all fear the unknown in some way or another. Not one person can sit here and say they don't. Uncertainty is nerve wrecking because in our minds all we can think about is what if things don't work out, what if I don't make the cut or don't get the job. The sad thing is we spend so much time contemplating what could be that a lot of times we tend to miss out on what is there. We stare so long at each possibility and never actually take a step forward. Being scared is not a bad thing but allowing fear to alter your life and your happiness is a completely different story. I can honestly sit here and say that currently fear has controlled my life. Fear of what people think, what they may talk about, of being hurt and most importantly of actually following my heart and allowing myself to be truly happy with the things I WANT for my life not what everyone else wants.

I am done allowing people to choose my happiness or better yet be in control of my happiness. From here on out I am going to choose to follow my own path for my life and that includes those I want in my life. It's no longer about if I am good for others lives, it's are they good for my life. Are they going to bring my life more joy and happiness. Will they be there on my worst days and do everything in their power to make my day better. Will we smile and laugh but still remember that it's not a bad thing to cry every once in a while. Will we take the bad days, work through them, and continue to grow in our relationship together. Will we open our hearts to all the possibilities that life can offer and trust that it's truly possible for people to care about every aspect of our lives. If you can answer yes to all of these then there is always a place for you in my life. This doesn't mean that I no longer care for every single person that enters my life or that they don't have some kind of meaning, it just means that those I keep close will be a much different group than I previously have chosen. The people I allow to be apart of my everything will have shown me that they care more about my heart growing rather than breaking. I will keep the deep aspects of my life a little more hidden and only allow those that really care about me to see that side. People will no longer be able to use my past against me to cause pain and heartache. This is my life, and if you prove to be worth it I will give you everything I possibly can until my final days here on earth.

Thank you to those people who have been there constantly and especially the past few days. I know it hasn't been the easiest of days but without each of you I wouldn't be sitting here realizing so much about my life. Those of you in Colorado, thank you for taking me in and for making me feel like a sense of family. And for those of you who have been there for years and years, thank you. I am thankful that in my time out here some of my friendships at home have actually grown to be much stronger than they ever have been. The people who have made it a priority to keep in touch, and those who have been my rock through a very difficult time. In the past few days the love I have seen from some of my closest friends has been unreal. Thank you for accepting me as I am and for being willing to love me through very tough situations. One final thing I am thankful for is love. Love makes this world a better place, love helps us grow and become better people,  and it's what makes life worth living. Love challenges us to be better individuals and even when love causes pain it still proves to us that we are lucky to be given the ability to be loved and love in so many different aspects.

God Bless,
Taylor

Ground Zero

Over the years I have been taught to trust that things happen for a reason or in better words they happen for a purpose. Sometimes that purpose is very clear. You are given the ability in that moment to understand the trial and the meaning it has on your life. However, there are points in life where the ability to see and think clearly are much more difficult. Things happening for a reason no longer has meaning.  Suddenly everything you were ever taught is thrown out the window and you are forced to pick back up at ground zero. Acknowledging that ground zero is not a fun place to be may take time to notice but once you do you feel yourself fall a little more. Ground zero is a rough place to find yourself. It's the reason the twin towers are known as ground zero after 9/11. Once you reach that point there is nothing left and you can only restart, trying to rebuild what has been taken from you but knowing in your heart that nothing can really fill whatever void is there.

Unfortunately I have found myself in this place often. Don't get me wrong I know my life is much easier than a lot of people in this world. I would never try to sit here and tell you that my life couldn't be worse. I would also never sit here and say that the battles you personally may be going through are any less extreme then what I deal with or have had to deal with. Truth is your battle is your battle. No one can tell you how to get through it. Being at the bottom tends to be one of the best places to be because you can only go up. The thing that is scary is when do you actually know you have reached that point? When do you truly know that you can't fall any further? I personally think that is a very difficult and terrifying question.

I have watched myself numerous amounts of times fall subject to negativity and evil thoughts. I have found myself at some of the weakest points that most wouldn't understand. I have seen my life flash before my eyes and questioned whether I could actually push through. I have watched friends fall subject to a multitude of negative habits including eating disorders, depression, suicidal tendencies, cutting, alcohol, and drugs. I myself have fell subject to some of those same negative choices. I have been caught searching for the one thing that could ease all my pain knowing whole heartedly the choices I was making would only hurt me more. I have understood the place I was in was not what God intended for me but didn't feel like I had the ability to dig myself out of the deep dark hole I was stuck in. For the most part I tend to realize when I have reached that point. The real question is in that time, what strength do I have left to find my way out.

Once again I am finding myself falling victim to searching for what one thing will make me happy. Of course I know in my heart that one thing just doesn't exist. There is a lot about my life currently that isn't working out in a way that brings me complete happiness. Something is missing. But what is it that is missing and how do I fix that...? Am I in the wrong place? Has my life been one bad decision after another? Am I missing what my life used to be? Is this just part of the grief journey? I am truly exhausted. Living right now is just plain exhausting. Everything feels like it takes so much effort. I over think and over analyze every single situation. I have pushed people away, steered clear of asking for help and held in emotions I am feeling. For what? Because I think it makes me tough...it makes me feel stronger. In reality I am more weak than anyone in my life is willing to see. I am just a young girl in search of happiness still wondering why my father had to be taken from me and why my grandma was taken from me shortly after. I am just someone wishing I could be with the two people I loved so dearly. Why do I get so far and then fall so fast?

Every question previously stated leads me back to the beginning of this post. The answer is no, I am where I am supposed to be. I was meant to be here and I am thankful for the life I have made and continue to make. I have a purpose here whether I see it now or not. However, even with that realization I must also be honest with myself and understand that even with this move having a purpose, that purpose could also end at any point. I must be willing to give it a chance here but while also remembering that me moving here doesn't mean I am stuck here. My move was a choice with no time limit, whether I think there should be or not. My year time frame really means nothing. My year time is a humanly made goal that can only be achieved if it's what God wants for me. Ultimately His path is the path I choose to take. At this point that path is unclear. So, I am left here to trust that the answer will be given to me when the time is right. That day may be soon or it may be years from now but I am doing the best I can to be patient.

Until that moment arrives, I need to go back to doing the things that make me happy. The things that release stress and tension from my life. I need to be spending more time at the gym and eating right. I also need to work on getting more sleep. I need to find time to be alone with my thoughts and emotions. Give myself time to write, read and journal so my thoughts are released in a positive manner rather than towards people that don't deserve it. I need to remember what's important to me, my goals and aspirations for my life. I need to continue my path to be an EMT and focus my time on studying. Some how I need to find that strength that has always been buried deep inside of me. I need to trust that having hope always allows you to prevail and never fail. Ultimately, life has to continue and overcoming trials is something that will never disappear.


For me, this post was a very honest and sincere look into my life. I admitted things that I usually don't enjoy telling the entire world. However, with opening myself up in this manner it forces me to follow through with the things I have listed that I say I need to fix. It holds me accountable as I have been truthful in announcing what makes me a better human being, a happier individual and ultimately a better friend. Because if there is one thing currently that I hate more than anything it's the fact that I feel like I haven't been a good friend to a lot of people that truly deserve my time and energy. So, with that being said this is also a public apology for anyone in my life that feels I have been non existent and I ask that if that is the case call me out on it. I am at a point where I need to be called out because I need to face all of this stuff head on and fix it. I need to stop the bullshit and get my life together. With that being said my final thought is that I can't even begin to imagine how disappointed my father is...


God Bless,
Taylor

Processing Emotions

Life the past 7 months hasn't been easy and yes part of that is because I moved to a new place but it also has to do with just feeling lost. I can honestly admit I have never felt less of a purpose than I do now and with that I have lost most of my drive. That mindset is not like me at all. I honestly do my best each morning to wake up with a positive attitude and take on the day with what ever it may have to offer. I spend most of my days by myself because although I know it's not what I need it's what I want. Knowing it's what I want also shows me that it's probably the worst thing for me a this point. I workout constantly to release emotions. I could live at the gym. If I didn't have a job I probably would. I wake up feeling pain most days but I love it because it proves I'm still alive. It keeps me working towards a goal knowing if I didn't have that I would truly feel as if I had nothing. It's in these moments that I am able to process my life and really take a look at what I am dealing with.

When my dad passed away my family battled to stay a family. We were all lost. The one who kept us all together and defined our family was no longer there to talk, support, and care for each one of us or as a collective group. At that point it fell on my grandmas and even my shoulders at times. It was a lot to bare. I did my best to keep in contact and to force relationship because I knew in my dads eyes family was everything. Knowing that, my grandma moved to California to be close to all of us. I truly believe she had a hope to bring us all even just a little closer and for a short period she did. She knew her time was coming to an end and she wanted her last final impact to be on our family. It was an example of how she always lived her life. However, the day my grandma passed away would be the day my family split ways. Losing my dad also added a bit of a struggle to my relationship with my mom. We were unable to see the others perspective. I tried it just wasn't possible. Communication lessened. Our lives were combined by the sole fact that we lived in the same house. I ultimately wanted us to understand one another but I was fighting too much for something neither of us could give.

As I talked to my mom this morning it all hit me that we are both living very similar lives. She goes to work each day not truly happy with where she works and gives all she has even though it doesn't seem good enough or appreciated. She works out daily, sometimes twice a day hoping to run from all the emotions bottled up inside of her. Working out allows her to escape, even if its only for a short time. She reminded me today that my life was turned upside down on December 23, 2010 the day I lost my dad. Both our lives were. And since then we have both struggled to find ourselves and find a way to keep moving forward. Then we lost my grandma who we were both extremely close to. The words she spoke today rand true in my mind, "you need to give yourself more credit and understand that you will never be able to get pass the loss you have been forced to deal with." I could hear her getting choked up and could feel the pain in her voice. It was in that moment that I realized there is so much more to losing my dad and grandma then I ever wanted to admit. There is a lot I haven't taken the time to process. Is it because I am afraid, yea I am sure that's part of it but I also think I just don't know how to. There is so much I have done wrong in order to heal and I think I am slowly realizing the wound is more fresh then I thought. 

In the same conversation with my mom today she made sure to point out that its not wrong for me to be happy or search to be happy. She said that is what your dad would want of you, it's what he would want for both of us. If I am honest with myself I think I am afraid to be happy. I hide behind what I am feeling not wanting to share anything or show my true colors. Part of me is afraid of people knowing about my life and the choices I have made. The other part of me is so afraid of showing people my weaknesses because I want so bad to be a strong person. Trust me, I know my dad would want me to succeed and show passion in all that I do. He would want me to make something of myself and never give up until I got there. I know he wants to see me succeed and wants me to be happy, truly happy. In my heart I really do know that, it's just some days it's not that easy. The days I wish I could call him or see him make that pain feel so incredibly fresh. I think back to that day and wonder if I have made any progress. A loss that should make me feel stronger seems to only make me feel weaker. Did I run away? Have I been running away for the past 2 years? The one thing I never wanted to do. I don't know maybe I have, maybe I handled everything the completely wrong way. At the time it seemed best.

I am now at a point where I don't know what's next. These times in my life happen every so often where I feel so lost and filled with such little hope. Do I go back to San Diego and trust that life can only get better? Or do I stay where I am and believe that there is something here for me through all these struggles? If I knew the perfect answer life would be much easier but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I am doing my best to put all my trust in God and know that His plan for me is greater than any one I could imagine for myself. I know these days will pass. I also know I will get through this and the darkness will leave allowing light to shine through again. My journey will continue. Where I will be I do not know but wherever it is I know God and my dad will be with me every step of the way.

God Bless,

Tay

An Array of Thoughts

Today was one of the hardest days I have had in the gym in a while. I woke up feeling very run down as if I am coming down with a cold. My body and mind are drained, physically and emotionally. Actually I had no interest in even going. The weather probably played a role in that because its the perfect weather to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. The worst part was my pre-workout didn't even help.  But I knew I had a plan for the day that I needed to complete no matter how hard it would be. Yesterday I had planned to do a long cardio session today followed by lifting, however that wasn't going to happen. In order to even make it through cardio I had to do 20 minutes on the elliptical and 20 min of incline walking on the treadmill. Let me tell you it was a struggle. Every step I took my body reminded me of how tired it was. All I wanted to do was give up. On top of that it seemed as if every past injury was flared up today. My left calf felt like it wanted to explode, which was only a reminder of my compartment syndrome injury. Luckily, I made it through those very tough 40 minutes. Then there was lifting, the one thing that usually brings me out of any mood I may be in but not today. Once again I battled mind and body. I truly pushed until I had nothing left to give. My arms were shaking, my shoulder was tired, and I just wanted to be finished. It felt as if for two hours I was constantly reminded of my past. The struggles I have been through, the pain, the challenges but also the growth that has occurred because of those trials. Those injuries were what led me to rely on God for strength. They forced me to take a look in the mirror and change my life not just for myself but for everyone around me. Pain can lead to a positive outcome it just depends on how you look at it. You can either stay bitter or allow those struggles to make you better. It's a rough road. A lonely road. And at times it feels as if no one understands. People can walk beside you, help you and support you but they can't do it for you, only you can.

A lot of people don't understand why I spend so much time in the gym. A lot of those same people don't understand why or how I stay so dedicated to diet and exercise. I even think some people have it in their minds that its easy for me. Truth is its not easy at all. I wanted to share my story of today with the sole purpose of explaining that its just as hard for me as it is for you. Of course there are times where getting out of bed hours before I have to is the last thing I want to do. I have those days where it takes everything in me just to get in the car and go to the gym. But to be honest, that is half the battle. I'm not even talking about just the gym in this case, but sometimes just showing up in life is one of the most important things. Now when talking about my diet that may be one of the biggest challenges. It takes a ton of self control and it has taken me a pretty long time to get to the point I am at. I am not perfect and I still have a lot of areas that I want to improve on. I look in the mirror just like every other person and immediately pick apart what I don't like. The only difference compared to some is when I do that I don't accept it. I use it as fuel. It motivates me to push myself. It makes me work harder on those days when all I want to do is quit. I think sometimes we look at people and our jealousy overpowers our ability to truly think of what it took for that person to get where they are. We forget that they have struggled through all those same emotions and still struggle with similar issues. That same jealous feeling blinds our ability to look at someone's life with compassion so instead we judge them. And why are we judging them? We are actually mad at ourselves for not having that strength and will-power. At the time it just seems easier to take it out on them.

My challenge for you is take a look at what's inside your heart. What is fueling you to treat people the way you do or make the comments you make about others lives? Are you feeling some sort of jealousy, bitterness, guilt or maybe even shame? Don't let what's in your heart rob you of love and compassion to others. If you know someone that is extremely passionate about something take a second to ask them why. I'm telling you some of the stories people tell me at the gym or even my friends that now live to workout, what drives them is generally an incredible testimony. Think about that next time you think someone's life is easy or perfect. You have no idea what's behind that hard work. Lastly, as you challenge yourself to look at what's in your heart, challenge yourself to take even one step towards a healthier life. Transfer the time you spend worrying about everyone else and figure out what you can do to make your life better. Maybe it's not necessarily working out, maybe it's something else. Whatever it may be try to find it. Stop making excuses. Forgive those who hurt you and remember that living in the past will block you from what God has for your future. If you love something do it. Allow your life to be as purposeful as it's meant to be.

God Bless,
Tay

Live For Today, There Is No Tomorrow - Exodus 8:10

⁸ Then Pharaoh called Moses and Aaron, and said, “Pray to the Lord to take away the frogs from me and my people, and I will let the people go to sacrifice to the Lord.” ⁹ Moses said to Pharaoh, “Kindly tell me when I am to pray for you and for your officials and for your people, that the frogs may be removed from you and your houses and be left only in the Nile.” ¹⁰ And he said, “Tomorrow.” Moses said, “As you say! So that you may know that there is no one like the Lord our God,

Exodus 8:10 to some may be a seemingly insignificant verse, however for the past week it has been a verse that has constantly been on my mind. I had the privilege of listening to a sermon by a lady from Hillsong United church in Sydney, Australia. I can honestly say that this sermon couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Reaching the 6-month point of my move has brought about a lot of challenges. I had reached a point where I was feeling very home-sick. I haven't necessarily missed San Diego, but I have missed the people in San Diego. I have missed having my own group of friends and different groups to spend time with. It has been a big change, but with change has come a lot of growth. Now that I have gone slightly off topic let me explain the importance of the verses you see above.

Take a second to imagine an entire city filled with gross, annoying, and disgusting frogs. I don't know about you but frogs are nasty and I cant stand listening to their constant "ribbets", especially when it's right outside your room. I will admit that during a rain storm there is something peaceful about a frog making noise and the rain hitting the ground, but besides that and possibly their ability to turn into a prince, there is nothing cute about a frog. It was for this reason that Pharaoh's wife asked him to get rid of the frogs from the city. Pharaoh at that point called Moses and asked him to remove the frogs from the city. Moses response was that all Pharaoh had to do was tell him when he should pray to his God to remove the frogs and his God would remove them. What power our God has! In verse 10 you can clearly see Pharaoh's response, which should be shocking to anyone who reads it. He could have said right now or even tonight but instead he said tomorrow. Why would he want the city to live another night with frogs knowing that Moses had just said that his God could immediately remove them?

At this point you may be wondering, what is the point of this post? The point of this post is that Pharaoh's answer is so incredibly common in the world we live in. We respond to different aspects of life with not even just the response of acting tomorrow but also the mindset of always having the access to respond to all of life's choices, tomorrow. The definition of tomorrow is, "the day after today", yet we don't live in a way of it being AFTER today. We tend to live in tomorrow. What I mean by this is some of us never actually live for today. There is no tomorrow, because once you reach tomorrow it's now today and the tomorrow you just focused so much time on is no longer available. God prepares us with what occurred yesterday in order to deal with today. He expects us to not just exist and think about changing but to actually change, not tomorrow, but today. However, like I said before, some of us never live for today, instead we just exist, always hoping for something better tomorrow. We choose to make tomorrow the day we will change. The problem is once tomorrow becomes today we once again say tomorrow I will do that, tomorrow I will start eating better, tomorrow I will go to the gym, tomorrow I will start being a better friend, or tomorrow I will change my life and make better choices. We choose to spend our today's talking about what we will do tomorrow without ever actually making it to the tomorrow we speak of. In this process the validation of saying "tomorrow I will do...", allows us the contentment as if we already completed what we said we were going to. It is for this reason we never actually act on what we said.

The majority of us have no true understanding of what living in today really means. The issue with this is that we are only promised today, there is no promise of tomorrow. If every person lived for today, the world would be a different place. Love would be shown in the now, lives would be changed today, and the world would be a brighter place to live because people would truly understand the importance of living in the now. We often say to forget the past and worry about the future but in reality yesterday has more meaning then tomorrow. Yesterday has the ability to help us today. It can motivate us, change us, strengthen us, and prove that we no longer have to be suffocated by what happened because it's a new day.Yesterday helps us grow while tomorrow ultimately makes us weaker. Tomorrow allows us the ability to make bad decisions today, accepting our choices because in our hearts and mind we believe that by changing tomorrow it will make those choices better. All the burdens, pain, shame, guilt, and broken pieces must be dealt with today or you will never deal with them. You will live with the frogs of your past forever and begin to accept those frogs as just part of your life. But the fact is you don't have to live with the frogs of your past. The moment you realize change is what you need it must happen in that next moment or the few moments after. Whether it's just one small step or a giant leap, you must be willing to say today I will change, not tomorrow, today.

The facts are the longer you spend talking of tomorrow the more today's you miss and the more today's you miss the less impact you have on the world and the people in it. I am sure you constantly hear people say live for today, but do you even understand what that means? I know one thing it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean you should live in today and just exist because that my friends is not truly living. You have everything inside of you at this moment to have purpose today. You have more strength today in that moment you accept change then you will tomorrow when you wake up or when you press the snooze button to life. Once you finally decide to wake up because you feel you have to, you allow yourself the ability to justify once again the ability to just wait until "tomorrow". Day after day your life revolves around what could happen tomorrow.

I challenge you to live for today, change today, go to the gym today, and don't live today afraid of what could happen tomorrow. Whether you believe it or not you are not promised tomorrow, in fact you are not promised anything because you are apart of a divine plan and unfortunately you have no clue where or when that plan ends. What you should know is that no matter what happens today, you are here for a purpose and your purpose is to love, live and serve in the only moment you are promised. If there is something you want to do, do it now. If you have been putting off working out make today be the day that you change. Don't keep telling yourself what you will do tomorrow and never actually completing it. Every single one of you has more strength and power inside you then you could ever imagine. Don't allow your mind the ability to justify why your past is how you should be living your life today. Whatever has happened in your past is over and the only hold it now has one you is fuel to make a change today. I truly believe in every person on this earth. I believe this world could be a better place if we just woke up each morning and accepted today for what it has to offer. We all have so much power to make the world better. I truly hope that if you get anything out of this post it's that you attempt to live in the now and be grateful for all the amazing blessings you have in your life. We don't know anything about tomorrow and all we can do is have faith that we make it to tomorrows today to see what God has for us.

Change lives, donate, workout, eat better, make better choices, reach for the stars, follow your dreams, inspire, love, challenge, support, and truly live each today as if it's your last. If my life journey has taught me anything it has taught me to live in the now and leave nothing unsaid because unfortunately in the blink of an eye it could be all over. In a heartbeat that person you love more than anything in this world could be gone and at that point you are left with the question of can I make it through today. I now understand that even through all the negatives of grief, the one positive is the appreciation it gives you on the ability to live, not just exist but wholeheartedly live with a goal to change lives. I am thankful that through my loss, my two fathers have shown me the true meaning of love, while also showing me how to truly love others no matter what their circumstances may be. With that being said, I hope that you will take these verses to heart and get at least one thing out of this post. I hope that you marinade on the idea of living in the now and truly ask yourself if you are just existing or if you are doing all you can to change your life today.

“Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don’t rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you’re doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out? You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you , but now you’ll never know.” 

God Bless,
Tay

Life Update, Fathers Day, & Love

I find it very interesting that some days I can sit down and complete a blog with very little thought, yet other days clicking publish seems like the most difficult task. I began writing this post a few days ago while sitting at one of my favorite places in Denver. A park known as Wash Park to those who live near it but it's real name being Washington Park. This park has become a spot where I escape daily life, lay with the dogs, write and read. It's the place I am at peace. In San Diego I had my "spots", the spots I always ran to when I needed to be alone. I actually was nervous about not having those places to escape any longer because I knew the meaning they held in my heart. I have been taught over time that it's not necessarily a specific spot that must hold meaning rather the memories that were shared in that place. Those memories can be remembered anywhere you are located and still hold just as much meaning as they once did.

It's been five months since I picked up and left the town I grew up in to move to a new place, a city I am falling in love with more by the day. Denver is very different than any place I have ever been. It's a place that grabs your heart very quickly. I am not even sure what makes it so unique. It could be the people, the atmosphere, weather, or possibly the peace that seems to flow through the cracks in the sidewalk. The question I always get is "why would you move away from San Diego to come here?", but the truth is this place has something that no other city has. A place filled with so many free spirited individuals and a whole lot of happiness. It has taken some time but I am slowly creating my own life in this city. I have been meeting more people and truly enjoying the sunshine. Even on bad days I am able to look around and find joy in the small things. A few months ago I found myself struggling to find purpose. I felt lost. I didn't want to be in San Diego but I didn't feel like I was meant to be here. I questioned my decision to move. I questioned my life, my future, and the choices I had made. As I took a step back and spent some time alone I realized I was closing myself off to what God has for me. Yes, I was in a new place and transitions can be difficult but I wasn't allowing myself the ability to be used. Any chance I had to move forward I nervously pushed myself away, scared of taking that step.

After spending about a week in solitude I quickly understood how my choices were not only affecting my own life but were affecting others as well. As my smile returned my personality quickly returned as well, and the change in others was noticeable. I guess I never realized that a carefree personality really does wear off on people and when it is hiding even those who don't know me are affected. It has been almost a year since I reached the point in grief where my personality returned. The year prior to that I felt lost and had no idea who I was. I went searching to find that person and I was frustrated when my answer seemed lost in the darkness. Even those around me were unable to see "the real tay", and they hoped for that person to return. Being in Denver is teaching me more about myself then I could have ever imagined. People that know nothing about me or my life see me as the person always laughing, smiling and just being a goofball. At work if I am having an off day people wonder why, which is a change because the bad days used to far outweigh the good days. Fortunately those days aren't often. I can remember when every day was filled with a face of pain and suffering. But, the positive is with time the good days happen more often and the bad days are far less frequent.

As for work, I am currently working at Nike and for those of you who know me you are probably reading this thinking "that has to be a dream come true for her!", but I can honestly tell you it is not. You should all be proud though because I am very smart about what I buy! I have only bought two pairs of shoes, one being specifically for running! ;) Anyways, even though I know this job isn't forever I can clearly see why I am in the position I am. After the initial "fun" period passed I had two weeks of hating what I was doing searching for some purpose at a place that took very little thinking to complete. I was mad that the only job I got was a job where my knowledge wasn't being used at all. However, once again I realized I was shutting myself off from what God had for me. My knowledge could be used and more importantly my heart, passion, and joy could be used to make the lives of those around me better. I began seeing a different side to work. I viewed each day as another day to change someones day for the better. I saw my days working in footwear as opportunities to use my knowledge of the body and how it moves. I have provided customers with feedback on injury prevention and different exercises they could do to help injuries such as shin splints and plantar fasciaitis. I take pride in getting them in the proper shoe for how their foot moves and even question managers on shoes that advertise specific functions. In apparel, I try to make the life of the shopper as easy as possible while starting conversations about all sorts of things. I slowly began to understand that every day you can change a life just by acknowledging people and showing interest in their lives. Through those moments I was taught a lot about myself and my daily purpose, not just my purpose for specific careers. No matter where I am or what I am doing I can make a difference in other's lives just by showing love.

I am reminded each day of the genuine compassion my father had. Even on his worst days he made sure to love people with everything he had to offer. Some days it wasn't as much as others but he still gave his everything. If he could live his life in that capacity then I can to. My father is the person I hope to be. I look up to him for his ability to look past the struggles of his life to make the world a better place. I truly believe that he taught me one of the most powerful aspects to life that anyone could ever teach me. Truly loving people can be a difficult task at times but with a heart filled with compassion for those suffering gives the ability to shine light into lives filled with so much darkness. My daily goal is to live for the day and not dwell on the little things. I have a very clear understanding of what my purpose is and because of that I may not be placed in a career or position that I thought was meant to be for me. In fact, more than likely I will find myself doing something I never intended to do. The excitement in that is knowing that God has something so much bigger for my life that I can't even begin to grasp at this time. We all have purpose. That statement alone should fill your heart with such a warm feeling because it's a constant reminder that there is something greater, something you can't even begin to imagine. Take that and run with it. Be used and more importantly be open to being used. Embrace the path you are led on knowing you are not walking it alone.

Father's Day is tomorrow. For some of you it will be a difficult day because you may have lost your father or maybe your father was never apart of your life, and in reality it's never easy to be reminded of that pain. Other's will have an awesome day because you will be spending it by your fathers side showing him that you are grateful for what he has done. My hope for all of you is that you can find something to make your day special. Celebrate and remember those no longer here. Find something that makes you smile because you know they would love what you decided to do. If you are someone who is having a difficult time forgiving your father for what he has done attempt to release that. Maybe even take that step of saying even though he hasn't been a father to me I am stronger than anything holding me back from at least acknowledging this day. Last but not least, show thanks to those fathers still around. Show them how much they mean to you and how thankful you are for what they have done because at some point you will wish you had another day to tell them the stuff that truly matters. Most of us, father or not, have some sort of fatherly influence and that person deserves just as much acknowledgement as the person who was your father.

Personally, my love for my father grows by the day as I am reminded more and more of the love he held in his heart. Although he is no longer here I am experiencing a greater appreciation for the way in which he lived his life. I can't even begin to explain how cool that feeling is. That is the reason that tomorrow I will celebrate and be thankful for every single thing about my father, good or bad. I will never stop loving him or living in his shadow. I can't wait to run tomorrow morning in his honor filled with joy and a huge smile on my face. The greatest gift I can give him is to continue living to the best of my ability and keep that smile on my face that everyone seems to love.

Love you pops with all my heart. Happy Fathers Day and thank you for being the greatest father any girl could have! I am who I am today because of you.

God Bless,
Tay

Expectation of Change

I wrote this yesterday and decided to share. Its a little choppy at times but it was on my heart. It came out on paper exactly how I was feeling as I sat at a coffee shop. I watched the snow outside and contemplated life and where I have come from. The journey I have been led on, the path I have chosen to take, and the many other decisions that have come a long with it. My life is what it is because of the choices I have made. We never know the effect choices will have but must have faith in taking that step. Here are my thoughts on the trials, struggles and pain that comes a long side big choices we make...

There is an expectation that comes along with every big change we choose to make in our lives. The expectation is that the life we were living, the choices we were making, or the position we held beforehand will change for the better. That expectation becomes overwhelming causing a person to hold all decisions on a pedestal, with a hope the outcome only benefits the change. Resting a top the pedestal is all the stress and worry being bottled up from each aspect of the change that was made. It begins to weigh on the person and the effects are shown on the heart, mind, and body. Exhaustion takes on a new meaning. It seems as if exhaustion is the only describing word that can be used due to the effort it takes just to find words for the emotions behind it all. The change no longer seems positive, however, underneath those thoughts it is still possible to see a glimmer of trust in the step that was made. Questioning the decision still occurs daily, wondering if it's possible that the choice may have been the wrong one. The feeling of being alone returns even with people all around. Prayers for understanding weigh heavy on the heart, while hoping for an answer. Nothing seems to make the feelings disappear. Previous heartaches return causing a lingering pain affecting each moment in the day. There is a want for happiness and joy to return in hopes it could overpower the pain. As days pass, the feelings are ever so present causing people to worry. The worry is due to the amount they care, yet there is a wish they didn't. For some reason it feels better to be alone. Working out is what is needed, however the task seems too daunting. The Bible becomes the place answers are searched for. Again, the answer could come in any way as long as an understanding takes place. There is a hope for the suffering to end or a form of light to be seen. In the midst of it all it's difficult to see that an end exists. Although an end is not noticeable at the time, faith allows one to believe none of this can last forever. Being stuck in the middle of the path makes it seem as if life will always be surrounded by pain and struggle. Those on the outside are unable to understand, yet all they want is to help. Wishing they could help causes a runaway mentality to surface due to the pain and inability to help. Being alone and staying away seems like it would be best, but in reality it only makes things harder. Realizing the pain being caused to others only makes everything worse. 

In the midst of all of this the main thing to remember is what God has said. Clinging to verses, quotes, and songs to provide some form of hope. "Don't be afraid, I am there, I am walking with you, and will never leave your side", are just some of the things that ring strongly as if He was truly right there. In fact, in that moment it's important to remember that He is there. God is right along side expecting hope to never be lost. Standing strong in faith and being obedient to what He is asking are His expectations. Spending time attempting to hear Him while also being willing to change the way listening is taking place. He is there, so find Him. If it's felt in the heart, follow that feeling and be willing to trust Him in that moment. Let God work how He may. If God chooses to use you, allow Him to do so and know He is right there. God loves you today the same amount He always has, does, and will. Nothing changes His love. To know that is helpful in knowing that He will bring an end to the pain and suffering. Search for Him, be steadfast in prayer, and find joy in waiting. God is teaching, allow Him the ability to teach. Bring light to dark and live by the guideline that every step should bring God glory. God's light can be seen in every aspect of every day to those willing to notice the beauty. Understand that God is always present and always working in a multitude of ways. When all else fails, cling to God and stay strong. He is there. He fully understands the pain but also doesn't want it to exist forever. There is something special taking place that will benefit His Kingdom. When it's painful to look forward or impossible to look ahead, look to the heavens. It's in those moments that eyes should be locked on God and the beauty in which he created. 

Be honest with yourself and what you are feeling. Understand your emotions are real. What you think and feel are important to healing. Healing will occur. God will bring about healing when it fits his timeline. It can be frustrating at times because the timelines we have don't match up with the timeline God has for our lives. We expect good moments to last forever and bad moments to end before they begin. We want what we want for our lives without being willing to wait on what God specifically has designed for our lives. God was patient through the suffering. He had faith through the trials and trusted what the Lord had said to him. He took each step knowing that the path He was being led on had purpose. Somewhere along the way a culture was created that gave an expectation for trials to end quickly without lessons being understood. There is no purpose for people to be patient through trials with the expectation that it will end quickly. So, as days go by and suffering still exists, the pain only deepens. The hope is that as the amount of trials increase, the number of effects decrease. Learning how to handle those effects and still finding joy in the struggle. The place in which joy is found in the struggle is where Gods love will rest, at the forefront of all suffering. 

God Bless,

Tay

A Small Reminder

As the waves crash I am reminded of their beautiful sound. Although I live in San Diego, I don't travel to the beach very often. Lately I have been contemplating taking a trip because there is a sense of relaxation that occurs every time I visit. It's a feeling of being free from all of lifes troubles. Even if its just for five minutes, my mind travels to a different place. People swarm the area to take in its beautiful features, possibly visiting from another city, state or even another country. Each person one after another in awe of what they see. I, however, take it for granted because of the shortness in distance from my house. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people, seeing the beach for the first time and truly understanding its beauty. But, after little thought I was again reminded of how blessed I am to be in the presence of something God created, and not only just something He created but a piece of His creation that describes beauty in a multitude of ways. It doesn't matter what the weather is like outside because the waves crashing against the rocks is still beautiful. The ocean provides a comfort because no matter what is thrown it's way, the end result is always magnificent to look at.

While watching the crashing waves against the cliffs, I heard a cry. The cry was coming from a baby seal who had been abandoned by his mother because a person felt the need to walk on the beach to get a closer look. The baby seal hasn't been alive long but is already battling loneliness and heartache. There is a very good chance the baby will never see its mom again and will more then likely die from not only a broken heart but also from not receiving the nutrients it needs to live. It killed me to listen to its cry and watch it lay in pain. I, like the baby seal, feel like I have lost my way. Unlike the baby seal, I was lucky enough to be left with ways of coping the difficult situations that occur in our lives. My dad taught me lessons and taught me how to make it on my own if that was ever to happen. The seal was left with nothing. I may understand what its like to lose someone special but I couldn't imagine being left with no real chance to make it. You may wonder the meaning behind that story and the relevance a baby seal has on my life but for me, it was an immediate eye opener. I was quickly reminded that even during the pain, my dad is by my side and has given me the tools to make it past all this. 

I have felt lost lately with no real understanding of how I can get through this. I think back to the start of this all and I feel like I had more hope. That hope seems to be covered by dark clouds, I know that same hope is still there, I just can't find it. I don't plan on giving up but I do feel defeated. I can't find the strength to remind myself I have already made it this far. I keep thinking I must give myself the time that is needed and it will get easier, however, the more time that goes by the harder it is to move forward. Lately, I feel as if I am forced to say goodbye every morning I open my eyes. At times, I find myself wishing I could just sleep and not have to face the day ahead of me. I don't know who I am anymore and all I want is to go back to the person I once was. Someone who has been through a lot but could always trust that in the end something good would come out of it all. I hate feeling like everything about me is negative, because that is not who I want to be. I also feel as if I am making things worse because I am so self conscious of how my mood is. I try to fight myself through the difficult days and in return I am exhausted. I am still struggling with how to accept the emotions that arrive and how to deal with them without affecting those around me. I thought I was getting better at dealing with the array of emotions I was feeling, but obviously I am not.

The main issue is I miss my dad and there is nothing filling that void right now. I want to feel better and want to be happy but have never found something so simple to be so difficult. I will keep trying and hoping for a better tomorrow. Each morning I wake up I have made it a goal to immediately remember the good things that are all around me. One thing that is very special is the people who are apart of my every day. I am lucky to be surrounded by so much love and care. I just wish I knew how to use what I have available to me. All I can say is as much as I need to be patient with myself, I also need everyone to be patient with me because I also understand how hard it is for each of you. I am trying to find myself and one day I will but until then I am still so very thankful for each and every one of you.

Love you all,

Tay

I Will Rise Pt. 2

I recently was talking to someone very important in my life and she asked me if I had recently read any of the posts I wrote when I began my blogging journey or if I had read any journals I wrote. My answer to that question was no, I have not read any of my older posts in a very long time. She then responded with, "I think you should go back and read some of them because you will see how you have grown since those older posts." I have made it a priority in my life that when someone gives me their opinion on whatever it may be, that I will listen and give any idea a try. So, last night I read the first post that I ever wrote on my blog page. The post was filled with hope and a faith that surpassed anything that I currently have. But what I found to be interesting wasn't my first post but rather the second one.

I started this blog page the day before my dad had his second heart attack, which was 20 years after his first one. This heart attack was also two days after his 60th birthday. A birthday that was incredibly memorable because so many of his close friends were involved in the surprise party. I had been having a really good week. We had a great celebration, I was seeing God change lives at the bible study we had at my house, and I was just enjoying being in college. Unfortunately as Friday rolled around the smoothness of life would quickly turn into a dark path with a lot of unknowns. This was something that was all too familiar for me.

As a college student I had become accustomed to receiving phone calls regarding problems with my dad and his heart. It began in high school but the hardest experience was my first year in Kansas. In all honestly it was the first time in my life that I truly felt helpless. I didn't know how to handle my own emotions and I didn't know how to be there for my dad with him being so far away. It was a very difficult time for me and I turned to a lot of different things to run away from what I was feeling. I pushed friends away and just didn't care about most things in my life. I found it to be hard to wake up and I had no interest in going to school. There was only one thing I wanted and that was to be with my dad. Each year after that I would receive very similar phone calls, however my response to those phone calls became much different.

Luckily the  call I received that April would have a dramatically different response then when I was in Kansas. I had just finished school and my mom called telling me my dad may have had a stroke and that she was taking him to the hospital. They were supposed to be going to Julian that weekend for his birthday, which was the only reason my mom was at home. My dad had no one at the office so it was a blessing that my mom could get there immediately. My plans for the day were to be in La Jolla with a friend, which just so happened to be the exact location of the hospital my dad went to. My initial response was to panic, get scared, and worry about what would happen next. Janelle came over to my house and prayed with me, allowing me to cry and release all that I was feeling. She reassured me that God was with my dad and that He was in control. Within seconds of her praying I began to understand my role in the situation that had presented itself. Panicking had no part in that role. Even as I calmed down I continued to ask the question "why my dad...why is he going through this again?".

It didn't take long for me to understand that it had to be my dad. It had to be him because of the impact he had made and the lives he had touched. God wasn't allowing all of us to go through a difficult situation to only help one person. He wanted my dad to remember how precious life was and that he couldn't take anything for granted. God wanted my mom to find strength in him and to overlook the negatives and see even the slightest positive. And He wanted me to have faith in Him, to trust that everything would be okay and it was also the day I began to accept Gods purpose for life and death. I felt a sense of comfort with us every moment of that day. I heard love flow through the mouths of doctors, nurses, and the rest of the hospital staff. I was reminded that day that I don't own anything and that every single thing in my life could be taken from me in the blink of an eye. I was forced to remember that allowing fear to take over my life in difficult situations gets me no where, but instead I should trust in a God that is so much greater then all things. In that first ever post I wrote this, "He has his hand in every little thing and it's all to help us, never to hurt us". Even now I know this to be the truth, but at times it's hard for my brain to believe that my heart feels that way.

This was the last paragraph I wrote that night, "God has allowed me to stand when I had no ability to stand on my own, and He has placed by my side the people and support I have needed. By the end of the night I was the strength in my family, the person calming everyone down and telling them it would be okay. Before I left the hospital I gave my dad a kiss and a hug, and told him I loved him. I walked out of the hospital extremely scared to leave and anxious for the morning to arrive so I could return to my dads side, but even with all those emotions going on I know God is with him tonight. What takes place in our lives won't always be easy and the minute you think things are going well, something else will show up. But each time you will grow even more to the point where things like this won't even phase you because you know Who is behind it, not what, but Who. God is behind every single thing and when I told my mom that tonight she responded with, "even something like this?" I said to her it may not look good now but I have no doubt that good will come from this because God will show each of us something we were unaware of. I love my dad with all my heart, but God loves Him even more, and that is why I have nothing to worry about."

As I read through that post it was difficult to replay but it also gives me hope for a better day. At that point in my life my dads situation was very difficult for me to deal with because I was afraid I was going to lose him. Obviously a few months later my life would again be shaken but this time it would be for good. It's pretty amazing to look back to those posts and see that even in the most difficult circumstances my faith stayed strong, in fact it grew to be even stronger then it was. My faith must stay strong right now as well. I am trying to play it off like I am fine and that I can get through this but inside I am hurting so much. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss my dad but the one thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day I will see him again.  The title of that post was "I Will Rise", and there is so much truth in that because I will in fact rise and continue going forward with my life. I know that I will have weeks like this one where all I can think about is my dad but I also know I will have weeks where I don't think about him constantly. It's a good thing to have those weeks where I get a mental break and don't feel overwhelmed with grief. 

I may be struggling to feel my dad, but I know that he has to be with me. He never once left my side so why would he now? I love him more than anything and I only hope that he is proud of all that has taken place lately. I also hope that I am making him proud in some way or another because that is one thing that is very important to me. 

God Bless,

Tay