Heavy On My Heart

Lately I find myself missing you more and more as each day passes. I search for reasons as to why I suddenly feel a huge void again. I thought I was finally reaching a point where I could live each day without constantly thinking about you and the regrets I still hold on to. I try to release these emotions through writing but I seem to get nowhere. I have gone back and read journals. I have spent time alone attempting to figure out some way to make it through life without you here. My days consists of questioning my own feelings and wondering if I can ever have the "bright future" that you once said was ahead of me. Dad you are missed plain and simple. 

I am not one to regret the path I have been led to walk. I have done my best to keep my faith strong as my world felt as if it was crumbling.  My faith has allowed me to see that my life is nothing short of an array of circumstances leading me to the place I currently reside. These circumstances make me who I am, have shaped my life, and light my path. One goal I have is to see the positive side to each trial I am forced to face knowing that the end result will always make me a stronger individual. I have had the chance to see my strength grow in so many different situations. While growing in my strength my faith has also grown, as well as my ability to trust Gods path for my life. Along with the positive result of the circumstances that occur there is also a mental battle that takes place. 

The mental battle that seems to overtake is a fight between what the mind needs and what the heart is lacking. The heart can be lacking a wide variety of things allowing the mind to take over and confusing what you once knew to be right. In my situation, I know my dad is in Heaven with God and beside him is my grandma and grandpa. I also know that all others who have gone before are also with him. I know he is smiling down on me and always with me. I know I am lucky to have such an amazing angel. I also know if my dad was here the last thing he would want is for me to be sad. Although I know each of these things I can also feel the confusion my mind is going through. I can sense the anger that has overtaken my heart. I haven't wanted to be angry but for some reason now I am. The pain has been overbearing at times. The hole in my heart seems to only be increasing. When all is said and done I just miss my dad and wish he were here. 

Grief has a way of creeping up on you and it can bring you down very quickly. Grief also has it's own form of depression and that depression can show up at different points of the journey. Grief is also very personal. It's something that is unique to each person that goes through it. Each of us deals with grief on our own terms and in our own way. Nobody has the right to tell someone who is dealing with a tragic event how they should handle each situation. Death is not dealt with the same by any two people. We each deal with the loss of a loved one in different ways and times. Those of you who have yet to lose someone close to you are unable to prepare yourselves for how you will handle it. There is just no way of knowing how you will respond. Those who understand this or are willing to understand provide the best support for someone grieving. 

Just as one changes with age, one also changes once forced to deal with a tragic event. The person that existed before that day is no longer the same individual. Its near impossible for life changing events to not change the people involved. The word "normal" can no longer be used in the sense of wishing that things or people would go back to how they used to be. My name is still Taylor just as it always has been. The things I once had a passion for I still have a passion for. The things that were important to me are still important to me. If anything those things that were important to me have only grown to be more important. My heart for helping others is now more prominent. The empathy and compassion I once had is now a forefront in my life. The I love you's and hugs are more frequent. The simple ways of reminding people I care about them are a huge part of my daily life. The simple ways of showing people how much they mean is an even bigger deal. No, I am not the same person. I have changed. In some ways I have changed for the worse but at the same time also for the better. That is grief and there is no stopping it. 

I know how difficult it is at times to be supportive to someone who is battling the loss of a loved one. Its a constant struggle and I remember feeling helpless. It was one of the first times in my life where I knew I could do nothing to help other then be there in anyway I possibly knew how. But I also knew in reality it didn't change how they felt.  Each time I contacted the person I was nervous about saying the wrong thing or more importantly not saying enough. I knew I couldn't fill that void they were feeling, yet that was all I wanted to do. Just as I deal with my own grief I also had to learn to deal with a close friends grief. Sometimes I think my friends have it worse. They have to attempt to read my mind and know when I need someone. They spend their days wondering how I am without being able to see me. Once they have me on the phone they feel like the words in their heart aren't good enough for what I need. All they want is to see me smiling again, truly happy and living the life I have always strived to live. I know it's not easy being there for me. I also know how it feels to wish you had your friend back or for things to be how they used to be. The memories you once shared seem as if they no longer matter or better yet they have forgot all about those moments that mean so much to you. The person that once was there for you is unable to fully be there for others because they can't even be there for themselves. You also feel as if you lost someone, your friend. 

I wish I could sit here and say that the person I once was will return one day but I would be lying. Forever, for the rest of my life there will be a huge hole in my heart that can never be filled. Over time I will learn how to live with that space and I will find things that make the hole seem less deep. I will learn to accept what has taken place and no longer feel guilt or regret. People will change my life and help keep me smiling. True happiness will return for good and not just for a few short months. My life will have meaning and the choices I make will impact others in a positive way rather than a negative way. Those close to me will feel like they have their friend back and they won't feel like they have to worry constantly.

For now, although it seems as if I am running away or pushing people away, the truth is I am not. I spend my days trying to figure out ways to make it through this. I pray that God will help me because ultimately He is the only one who can. I keep to myself because I feel it is what I need. Do I want to talk to people about what I am feeling? Of course I do, but I am somewhat at a loss for words for what exactly I am going through. I am unable to fully express how I feel. I have the choice to ask for help when I feel I need to. I also have the choice to not ask for help and attempt to make it through this on my own terms. This is my journey through grief. Ultimately, I am the one who has to make it through this. I am not asking anyone to accept walking it with me especially those who feel they can't. I need time to figure things out. I need to try to work through what I am truly feeling without being told that I am not handling it in the proper way. For once, I need to stop listening to how everyone else wants me to be and do what I feel is best. For some of you it may be hard to do that. As for others, you have been doing that all along. I am not trying to push people away, it's actually the last thing I am trying to do. I am incredibly thankful for the friends I have. I don't have much of a family and a lot of you have become the family I have needed through all of this. I would honestly be lost without some of you by my side. But, right now I just need people to understand that there are a lot of things I need to work through. I am currently taking the steps I feel are right. It may be slower then what you would like or not the way you would process it all, but please be willing to accept it. It's not self-pity although it may look that way. To be honest, I am unsure how to describe it but I am doing some searching within. I am trying to learn to not rely so much on everyone else. I am relying on my faith to get me through this. I am spending more time alone because being around people constantly doesn't help the ones I'm around and doesn't fully help me. Yes, it keeps me smiling and laughing but then I go home an still feel the same way. I don't want it to be that way anymore.

My hope is that each of you who reads this who are also apart of my life takes one second to understand my reasoning for this email. It's not meant to hurt anyone and it definitely has nothing to do with the friends you have been. The purpose is to have an understanding of what is going on in my mind and heart. I also hope you can see where I am coming from even if you don't agree. Once again when all is said and done I fully appreciate what my friends have done for me and will continue to do. I love each of you so very much and I am grateful for your friendship.

With Love,

Tay

Grief Ever So Present

I can't say when this occurred but at some point I became comfortable with speaking of my father in the past tense. The other day I found myself saying that "I loved my dad so much". As, I wrote that statement I stopped for a second and really thought about what I had said. I have also heard myself say my dad loved this song and that he used to get specific meals at restaurants I have been to recently. For some reason it seems normal to speak of him as a part of the past. I have even noticed that I am much better at handling the moments where I am asked when he passed away. It's no longer a shock and I am able to respond that he passed away a year and a half ago. I have come to terms that he is no longer here and won't be coming back. However, the area I still continue to struggle with is when someone else speaks of their father. I don't necessarily immediately shift my focus to my father every single time but there are moments where he is all I can think of. There are even those times where I am around other fathers and I find myself having a difficult time. It's not that I am jealous of  these people and their ability to still share time with their fathers, but rather a wish for my dad to be here with me. 

Even with the hard moments a positive change is that my thoughts aren't constantly shifted towards my dads death. However, I do find myself just wanting to talk about him and speak of his life. It doesn't matter who is listening I just feel that he lived a life worth talking about. He is a hard person to forget and because of that I think about him every single day. I think about him when I hear a song that reminds me of him. When I drive by his favorite restaurant Yannis. Or when I watch soccer, football or hockey. Especially Notre Dame, the Steelers, or the Penguins. At times all I can do is smile when things remind me of him. For the most part these things have just become part of my daily routine. But with those moments of happiness are also moments of sadness. Moments where all I can do is cry because I need him here. Those are the moments that are too difficult and the impact that memory has on my heart is too much to handle. It is then that I am just left in tears without words to describe my emotions. 

When asked about my father, I feel like I am unable to describe him. To those who did not know him my stories and memories don't seem to paint a complete picture. They stare at me and smile wishing they could understand what makes my face light up but in reality they cant truly know. I see it in their eyes, they wish they understood what I was feeling and knew how to help. In those situations the only thing they are able to see is the life and story of this little girl that was his daughter. Those moments can be so difficult because how do you actually depict someone through stories? It's impossible. The moments I am reminded that I can't adequately explain him, it absolutely crushes me. It's in those moments that I feel a loss for words. Days that are important to me aren't important to everyone else. Its not that those people don't care it's just they don't understand the importance behind it all, the meaning that makes that day what it is. There are so many things that most people in my life are unable to understand. Its not their fault, most of them just never had the chance to meet my father. They never had the opportunity to see the little things about his life that made him so special. I wish they would have because then it may make more sense to them why I miss him so much. Why my days seem incomplete without him. Why I hate going home at the end of the day. My days are this way because he is no longer here. It's part of the reason it was so hard for me to take his picture down from my Facebook. Yes, a stupid social media website, but it was the one place where I felt like any time someone went to my page they would at least remember who my dad was. They would remember how important he was to me and the impact he had on my life. The thing that scares me the most is that he will be forgotten. That on those days where all I need is someone to not necessarily understand but to just be there, that they won't be. 

The worst part is I don't even know where all this is coming from. The fear, worry, hopeless thoughts, pain, crying, feeling of being alone and constant need for people to show they are there but not actually wanting to be around people. These are the emotions that surround my day. I cry for what seems to be no reason. I miss my dad and just wish he was here. Nothing seems to make any of it better. All I want to do is sleep but when I do sleep its never very well. I ask myself the question, "when will this all be over?, when will I be back to the old me?" I finally felt like I was finding myself. I was happy with who I was. I was enjoying life. I had found what seemed to be a true happiness and it could be seen on my face. Now all anyone see's is pain and suffering. I know low's are common but it's been almost two years and I'm not willing to accept low's like this one. I am hoping that with the Heart Walk coming up that I will break through this. Maybe I need that day to come and go so I can move on. Or I may need to start looking at other options. Options that help me take time to breathe and relax. I do have some things coming up at the end of September that I have been looking forward to so hopefully those plans will help me keep moving. My shoulder has also been repaired, which means each step I take from here on out is a step up rather than backwards.

I feel like in the last week I have been in a better place. Of course, when I am alone I still find myself thinking about my dad way too often and wishing he was here. I made it through a surgery without him. I handled the stress and emotion that comes with surgery the best way I could. The healing process hasn't been the easiest because sitting at home is not an easy thing for me but I know it's what I need. Mentally it may bring me back a few steps but hopefully it will equal out because physically I will feel much better. I know taking time to heal is the best thing for me but it's probably the thing I am the worst at. Anyone that knows me, knows this to be true. Without a say in the matter I must accept the outcome and rest. My hope is that as my shoulder heals my heart also goes through some more healing. In the past few weeks I have been reminded that grief is there, still living and breathing. No matter how much I want it to be gone I cant run from these feelings. I can't escape the fact that I lost my dad at a young age. It's a part of me and although I am no longer looked at as the girl who lost her dad, the people close to me are still reminded of my journey on those days where all I want to do is cry. Luckily I have a group of people in my life who try to understand what I am going through. It is those people who are there for me on the days where all I need is for someone to be by my side telling me I will make it through this. Although in my heart I know that to be true, it's still nice to hear it at times.

So, with all that being said I will keep walking and keep hoping for a better day. I will work on figuring out my life and regaining the strength I once had to pull through these difficult times. I will rehab my shoulder with everything I have so I can get back to doing the things that I love to do. It will be these things that help me get back to where I was.

God Bles,
Tay