Thursday, September 27, 2012
Heavy On My Heart
Lately I find myself missing you more and more as each day passes. I search for reasons as to why I suddenly feel a huge void again. I thought I was finally reaching a point where I could live each day without constantly thinking about you and the regrets I still hold on to. I try to release these emotions through writing but I seem to get nowhere. I have gone back and read journals. I have spent time alone attempting to figure out some way to make it through life without you here. My days consists of questioning my own feelings and wondering if I can ever have the "bright future" that you once said was ahead of me. Dad you are missed plain and simple.
I am not one to regret the path I have been led to walk. I have done my best to keep my faith strong as my world felt as if it was crumbling. My faith has allowed me to see that my life is nothing short of an array of circumstances leading me to the place I currently reside. These circumstances make me who I am, have shaped my life, and light my path. One goal I have is to see the positive side to each trial I am forced to face knowing that the end result will always make me a stronger individual. I have had the chance to see my strength grow in so many different situations. While growing in my strength my faith has also grown, as well as my ability to trust Gods path for my life. Along with the positive result of the circumstances that occur there is also a mental battle that takes place.
The mental battle that seems to overtake is a fight between what the mind needs and what the heart is lacking. The heart can be lacking a wide variety of things allowing the mind to take over and confusing what you once knew to be right. In my situation, I know my dad is in Heaven with God and beside him is my grandma and grandpa. I also know that all others who have gone before are also with him. I know he is smiling down on me and always with me. I know I am lucky to have such an amazing angel. I also know if my dad was here the last thing he would want is for me to be sad. Although I know each of these things I can also feel the confusion my mind is going through. I can sense the anger that has overtaken my heart. I haven't wanted to be angry but for some reason now I am. The pain has been overbearing at times. The hole in my heart seems to only be increasing. When all is said and done I just miss my dad and wish he were here.
Grief has a way of creeping up on you and it can bring you down very quickly. Grief also has it's own form of depression and that depression can show up at different points of the journey. Grief is also very personal. It's something that is unique to each person that goes through it. Each of us deals with grief on our own terms and in our own way. Nobody has the right to tell someone who is dealing with a tragic event how they should handle each situation. Death is not dealt with the same by any two people. We each deal with the loss of a loved one in different ways and times. Those of you who have yet to lose someone close to you are unable to prepare yourselves for how you will handle it. There is just no way of knowing how you will respond. Those who understand this or are willing to understand provide the best support for someone grieving.
Just as one changes with age, one also changes once forced to deal with a tragic event. The person that existed before that day is no longer the same individual. Its near impossible for life changing events to not change the people involved. The word "normal" can no longer be used in the sense of wishing that things or people would go back to how they used to be. My name is still Taylor just as it always has been. The things I once had a passion for I still have a passion for. The things that were important to me are still important to me. If anything those things that were important to me have only grown to be more important. My heart for helping others is now more prominent. The empathy and compassion I once had is now a forefront in my life. The I love you's and hugs are more frequent. The simple ways of reminding people I care about them are a huge part of my daily life. The simple ways of showing people how much they mean is an even bigger deal. No, I am not the same person. I have changed. In some ways I have changed for the worse but at the same time also for the better. That is grief and there is no stopping it.
I know how difficult it is at times to be supportive to someone who is battling the loss of a loved one. Its a constant struggle and I remember feeling helpless. It was one of the first times in my life where I knew I could do nothing to help other then be there in anyway I possibly knew how. But I also knew in reality it didn't change how they felt. Each time I contacted the person I was nervous about saying the wrong thing or more importantly not saying enough. I knew I couldn't fill that void they were feeling, yet that was all I wanted to do. Just as I deal with my own grief I also had to learn to deal with a close friends grief. Sometimes I think my friends have it worse. They have to attempt to read my mind and know when I need someone. They spend their days wondering how I am without being able to see me. Once they have me on the phone they feel like the words in their heart aren't good enough for what I need. All they want is to see me smiling again, truly happy and living the life I have always strived to live. I know it's not easy being there for me. I also know how it feels to wish you had your friend back or for things to be how they used to be. The memories you once shared seem as if they no longer matter or better yet they have forgot all about those moments that mean so much to you. The person that once was there for you is unable to fully be there for others because they can't even be there for themselves. You also feel as if you lost someone, your friend.
I wish I could sit here and say that the person I once was will return one day but I would be lying. Forever, for the rest of my life there will be a huge hole in my heart that can never be filled. Over time I will learn how to live with that space and I will find things that make the hole seem less deep. I will learn to accept what has taken place and no longer feel guilt or regret. People will change my life and help keep me smiling. True happiness will return for good and not just for a few short months. My life will have meaning and the choices I make will impact others in a positive way rather than a negative way. Those close to me will feel like they have their friend back and they won't feel like they have to worry constantly.
For now, although it seems as if I am running away or pushing people away, the truth is I am not. I spend my days trying to figure out ways to make it through this. I pray that God will help me because ultimately He is the only one who can. I keep to myself because I feel it is what I need. Do I want to talk to people about what I am feeling? Of course I do, but I am somewhat at a loss for words for what exactly I am going through. I am unable to fully express how I feel. I have the choice to ask for help when I feel I need to. I also have the choice to not ask for help and attempt to make it through this on my own terms. This is my journey through grief. Ultimately, I am the one who has to make it through this. I am not asking anyone to accept walking it with me especially those who feel they can't. I need time to figure things out. I need to try to work through what I am truly feeling without being told that I am not handling it in the proper way. For once, I need to stop listening to how everyone else wants me to be and do what I feel is best. For some of you it may be hard to do that. As for others, you have been doing that all along. I am not trying to push people away, it's actually the last thing I am trying to do. I am incredibly thankful for the friends I have. I don't have much of a family and a lot of you have become the family I have needed through all of this. I would honestly be lost without some of you by my side. But, right now I just need people to understand that there are a lot of things I need to work through. I am currently taking the steps I feel are right. It may be slower then what you would like or not the way you would process it all, but please be willing to accept it. It's not self-pity although it may look that way. To be honest, I am unsure how to describe it but I am doing some searching within. I am trying to learn to not rely so much on everyone else. I am relying on my faith to get me through this. I am spending more time alone because being around people constantly doesn't help the ones I'm around and doesn't fully help me. Yes, it keeps me smiling and laughing but then I go home an still feel the same way. I don't want it to be that way anymore.
My hope is that each of you who reads this who are also apart of my life takes one second to understand my reasoning for this email. It's not meant to hurt anyone and it definitely has nothing to do with the friends you have been. The purpose is to have an understanding of what is going on in my mind and heart. I also hope you can see where I am coming from even if you don't agree. Once again when all is said and done I fully appreciate what my friends have done for me and will continue to do. I love each of you so very much and I am grateful for your friendship.