"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant but it is very important that you do it because you can't know, you can't ever really know the meaning of your life, and you don't need to. Just know that your life has a meaning. Every life has a meaning, whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred seconds. Every life and every death changes the world in its own way."
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Grief Ever So Present
I can't say when this occurred but at some point I became comfortable with speaking of my father in the past tense. The other day I found myself saying that "I loved my dad so much". As, I wrote that statement I stopped for a second and really thought about what I had said. I have also heard myself say my dad loved this song and that he used to get specific meals at restaurants I have been to recently. For some reason it seems normal to speak of him as a part of the past. I have even noticed that I am much better at handling the moments where I am asked when he passed away. It's no longer a shock and I am able to respond that he passed away a year and a half ago. I have come to terms that he is no longer here and won't be coming back. However, the area I still continue to struggle with is when someone else speaks of their father. I don't necessarily immediately shift my focus to my father every single time but there are moments where he is all I can think of. There are even those times where I am around other fathers and I find myself having a difficult time. It's not that I am jealous of these people and their ability to still share time with their fathers, but rather a wish for my dad to be here with me.
Even with the hard moments a positive change is that my thoughts aren't constantly shifted towards my dads death. However, I do find myself just wanting to talk about him and speak of his life. It doesn't matter who is listening I just feel that he lived a life worth talking about. He is a hard person to forget and because of that I think about him every single day. I think about him when I hear a song that reminds me of him. When I drive by his favorite restaurant Yannis. Or when I watch soccer, football or hockey. Especially Notre Dame, the Steelers, or the Penguins. At times all I can do is smile when things remind me of him. For the most part these things have just become part of my daily routine. But with those moments of happiness are also moments of sadness. Moments where all I can do is cry because I need him here. Those are the moments that are too difficult and the impact that memory has on my heart is too much to handle. It is then that I am just left in tears without words to describe my emotions.
When asked about my father, I feel like I am unable to describe him. To those who did not know him my stories and memories don't seem to paint a complete picture. They stare at me and smile wishing they could understand what makes my face light up but in reality they cant truly know. I see it in their eyes, they wish they understood what I was feeling and knew how to help. In those situations the only thing they are able to see is the life and story of this little girl that was his daughter. Those moments can be so difficult because how do you actually depict someone through stories? It's impossible. The moments I am reminded that I can't adequately explain him, it absolutely crushes me. It's in those moments that I feel a loss for words. Days that are important to me aren't important to everyone else. Its not that those people don't care it's just they don't understand the importance behind it all, the meaning that makes that day what it is. There are so many things that most people in my life are unable to understand. Its not their fault, most of them just never had the chance to meet my father. They never had the opportunity to see the little things about his life that made him so special. I wish they would have because then it may make more sense to them why I miss him so much. Why my days seem incomplete without him. Why I hate going home at the end of the day. My days are this way because he is no longer here. It's part of the reason it was so hard for me to take his picture down from my Facebook. Yes, a stupid social media website, but it was the one place where I felt like any time someone went to my page they would at least remember who my dad was. They would remember how important he was to me and the impact he had on my life. The thing that scares me the most is that he will be forgotten. That on those days where all I need is someone to not necessarily understand but to just be there, that they won't be.
The worst part is I don't even know where all this is coming from. The fear, worry, hopeless thoughts, pain, crying, feeling of being alone and constant need for people to show they are there but not actually wanting to be around people. These are the emotions that surround my day. I cry for what seems to be no reason. I miss my dad and just wish he was here. Nothing seems to make any of it better. All I want to do is sleep but when I do sleep its never very well. I ask myself the question, "when will this all be over?, when will I be back to the old me?" I finally felt like I was finding myself. I was happy with who I was. I was enjoying life. I had found what seemed to be a true happiness and it could be seen on my face. Now all anyone see's is pain and suffering. I know low's are common but it's been almost two years and I'm not willing to accept low's like this one. I am hoping that with the Heart Walk coming up that I will break through this. Maybe I need that day to come and go so I can move on. Or I may need to start looking at other options. Options that help me take time to breathe and relax. I do have some things coming up at the end of September that I have been looking forward to so hopefully those plans will help me keep moving. My shoulder has also been repaired, which means each step I take from here on out is a step up rather than backwards. I feel like in the last week I have been in a better place. Of course, when I am alone I still find myself thinking about my dad way too often and wishing he was here. I made it through a surgery without him. I handled the stress and emotion that comes with surgery the best way I could. The healing process hasn't been the easiest because sitting at home is not an easy thing for me but I know it's what I need. Mentally it may bring me back a few steps but hopefully it will equal out because physically I will feel much better. I know taking time to heal is the best thing for me but it's probably the thing I am the worst at. Anyone that knows me, knows this to be true. Without a say in the matter I must accept the outcome and rest. My hope is that as my shoulder heals my heart also goes through some more healing. In the past few weeks I have been reminded that grief is there, still living and breathing. No matter how much I want it to be gone I cant run from these feelings. I can't escape the fact that I lost my dad at a young age. It's a part of me and although I am no longer looked at as the girl who lost her dad, the people close to me are still reminded of my journey on those days where all I want to do is cry. Luckily I have a group of people in my life who try to understand what I am going through. It is those people who are there for me on the days where all I need is for someone to be by my side telling me I will make it through this. Although in my heart I know that to be true, it's still nice to hear it at times. So, with all that being said I will keep walking and keep hoping for a better day. I will work on figuring out my life and regaining the strength I once had to pull through these difficult times. I will rehab my shoulder with everything I have so I can get back to doing the things that I love to do. It will be these things that help me get back to where I was.