Writing: My Escape

All I want is to be able to fall asleep. To wake up from this and have the two people that showed me so much about love sitting next to me. I thought I could act fine. I tried so hard this week to stay strong. I kept reminding myself to smile and laugh because I knew that's what they would want. I kept myself focused on my days and found happiness around the people who have stood by my side day in and day out. As the day began to come to an end, reality hit and I was reminded of the place I would have to return. A vacant house completely empty of any sort of emotion besides sadness. Does this month exist? Can it exist? For my family it's as if it can not. The two people that filled our lives with joy are no longer here.

The loss of my dad was so earth shattering that I think people forget that in June I also lost my grandma. After losing my dad my grandma was the one thing I had that made me feel like a piece of my dad was still here. She understood me. We could talk about anything. She helped me have faith in the things I struggled to see or even begin to understand. She loved me with all her heart. Tonight as I opened a present a patient got me, all I could do is think about her. The hope she had for life, the joy she constantly showed no matter what the circumstance was, the love she had for my family and of course the amazing faith she had. She was such an inspiration. My dad had so much love for her and nothing would or could ever change that. Putting a smile on her face was one of his daily goals. She truly meant the world to him and he meant the world to her.

Most people will admit that when it came to my family my dad and I were a lot a like. I was his mini me and he loved when people said that. Each time I went to his office patients would immediately view me as Dr. Aglio's daughter. They saw it in my face, especially my eyes. My dad viewed it as a compliment when patients said that. He loved having his daughter be compared to him. I, however, hated every moment of it. I would snap back and say no I look like my mom. I thought it was negative when they said I looked like him and acted like him. Now that I am older I understand that I couldn't have received a greater compliment. Being compared to my father is very special and it's all I have left in a world where all I want is to have him back.

My grandma and my dad were also a lot a like, which is why as the years went by the three of us began to get very close. We all had hearts filled with love and we constantly proved that to one another. My conversations with each of them became influential over the years. My grandma and I would talk about the importance of faith and she had so much hope for my life. Deep down I know my dad had a lot of faith. He would study books and meditate searching for any sort of peace. All he wanted was to feel safe and comforted. They were two of the most amazing people I have ever met. Over the years I grew to love both of them so much. I know you have to love your family but in all honesty my love for them was greater than anything I could have ever thought. They taught me the true meaning of caring for people with all your heart. They both taught me how to never give up and to have strength even when my world seems as if it is crumbling.

This year is another Christmas that I not only have to make it through without my Dad but for the first time I also have to make it without my grandma. Life was so much easier last year when I could escape to Colorado and in a way run from everything I was feeling. Now I am forced to be in this house where I am reminded of everything I wish I could forget. I know it's important to go through these emotions but I wish it wasn't necessary. I know I will be given the strength to get through all of this but everything in me wants to give up. If I ran away from it all would I regret it? Knowing how hard I am on myself I probably would. It's important to figure out how to fight emotions like these and to find happiness. Its very possible that the people in my life just don't understand and wether that's the case or not is okay. I have to go through this on my own, standing on my own two feet, and trusting that I will pull through. I have to figure out how to find things that remind me of my dad and my grandma while making me feel close to them instead of them feeling distant. I need to remember my life has meaning and that giving up on my goals means giving up on the goals so many have for me.

If I have been taught one thing it is that all the struggles have a purpose. One day they all will make sense and it may be another life that is changed through the difficult moments I have lived. I have no control over what takes place but I do have control over how I react to it. I am trying. I'm trying to stay strong and have faith. I'm trying to be positive and happy. But with that, I also know that I need to allow some of these emotions to occur and that being in my solitary may be the best thing for me to learn how to be stronger while also being more independent. I can't rely on everyone else so much. It is through my own heart and mind that I will learn to battle these terrible moments. The moments where I can't seem to find any hope. The important thing to remember is behind all those thoughts is a heart longing to heal. It's a person that wants to view life as missing nothing. One day it will all be okay and I will see the bright light at the end of a very long and lonely tunnel.

God bless,
Taylor

Dear Dad

As children prepare their letters to Santa asking for all the things they want I decided to write my letter to you. There is truly nothing I want more then to have one more day with you, a day where I could spend every second showing you my appreciation. As a child each year I wrote a letter to this man that I viewed as one of the best people in the world. I mean come on, one single person who gave me everything I wanted and then some while also providing every other kid what they asked for. It wasn't long before I unwillingly found out that what I once believed to be true was actually a lie. However, behind a lie was a very honest, loving and caring individual that did everything in their power to give me what I wanted. Dad, you were my Santa. You may not have portrayed an exact image of Santa Claus but you sure had his characteristics. Your ultimate goal was to give me everything I asked for because the smile on my face Christmas morning was worth every penny. 

Santa Claus is real. He is real because the spirit he portrays for giving is a real living emotion. His spirit for loving and caring for the world exists. His challenge for people to become better individuals and spend time showing one another how much you love them makes each of us better people. For one month the world is a better place to live. Even when tragedy strikes we still remember the true meaning of Christmas. It is those people who "play the role" of Santa who deserve the gratitude. A lot is expected of each of them and the last thing they want is to let anyone down. 

It took me a long time to see and understand that you were my Santa. In reality it took you being absent to understand that. I saw the meaning of Christmas immediately taken from my life the day you were ripped away from me. The hallmark version of Christmas doesn't exist. I try my best to still give to others with a hope that they have what I once did but its a challenge. It's a challenge to talk about the plans I don't have with every person that asks. You gave me everything. I was such a lucky girl. Putting a smile on my face and making me feel special was your ultimate goal. Knowing someone cared that much about me made me feel like the greatest thing in the world. Now I am lost. I try to act like Christmas doesn't exist and hope that if I try hard enough the day will just pass by. Everything that was Christmas involved you. 

I hope you can see that I am trying dad. I know there have been times that I have been very negative about this month, especially the holiday. The sad part is the pain causes me to be blinded from the true meaning of Christmas. The gifts, food, and celebrations aren't what Christmas is truly about. I somehow hope to find that this year and remember what the day encompasses historically rather than what it has now become. I hope to find something to smile about, something to remind me of you. 

It's hard to believe its been two years since you left my life. It's been two very long years but at the same time the time has gone by extremely fast. It's amazing how other people in my life can remember exactly what they were doing the moment they were told what had happened. People who didn't even know you very well or even at all vividly remember the events of that entire day. Sometimes it's nice to go back through that day because each time I learn something new. At the time all I could think about was what had happened but was unable to see the immediate emotions others were faced with. Somehow I had all the support I could have ever needed right there in front of me with very little effort exerted. I think some of them were unaware of the changes that were ahead. Change is an understatement. 

As days go by I do my best to show happiness and love to everyone I come in contact with. I save those tough emotions I am fighting all day for when I get home when I know I can just let them all out. Maybe it's not the best way to go about it but right now it seems like so much less trouble. I am trying to take each day for what it's worth because pretty soon I will be in a very unfamiliar place. I won't have the same safe places to go when I feel I need to seek your love and advice. The spots I park my car and cry out to you. Dad, please know I am not running away. I know you understand that I need change. I need a new place where I can grow. A place where very little people know me and don't view those rough days as so incredibly bad. I will no longer be the girl who is "strong" and grieving after going through something a little tough. I can make a new name for myself and begin new adventures. 

Thank you Dad for always loving me more than any one person ever could. Thank you for making sure that I had people surrounding me that could build me up and get me through these last two years. You have guided me, pushed me and supported me through so many difficult moments. I know that you have had a hand in all the recent decisions I have had to make and you will continue to be right by my side. I can't even describe how much I miss you. Staying in San Diego this year isn't going to be easy but I know you will help me get through this. Take care of everyone special in my life and make sure they have a Christmas that brings them joy. Spread your smile to all who knew and loved you. Please don't ever stop spreading your wings and soaring over each and every life that needs you. There are some people who really need your love and support. I will be okay Dad. I am going to make it through these new and challenging adventures. 

Smile for me Dad. Remember those moments we shared. Shower grandma with so much love. After all those years you finally get to have a Christmas with your mom and dad. You deserve that more than anyone I know. Knowing you are with the two of them helps me smile through the tears. You have no more  pain and nothing makes me more happy then to know that. I love you dad with all my heart. You will forever live on in all that I do. 

God Bless,

Tay

Not what it once was...

As a child I always loved the month of December. The decorations, the tree, family time and of course some of the greatest movies ever made. One of my favorite things about this time of year has always been Christmas lights because they have the ability to make everything look so beautiful. Even the most run down and beat up buildings have an incredible glow once strings of lights are attached. The real question now is why is something I used to love so hard to see now? Why do the decorations at work only cause me to feel suffocated by the thought of my dad no longer being here? Why as a young kid did the gifts being piled under the tree seem most important? Even as I got older I used Christmas as just one of the days I could find new ways to show my family how much I loved them. I thought I could make up for anything wrong that I ever did by buying each of them something special. I still had this idea that gifts was what it was all about. I was young and didn't understand the special little moments that I now miss more than anything.

Decorating was never a huge deal in my house, especially as the years went by. My dad knew it was important to me, so he made it a priority like most things that I cared deeply about. The early years of my childhood consisted of us gathering around a fire and decorating the tree. He would tell me stories of each ornament, where he got them, how old they were and why they meant so much. He loved Christmas trees. He said it was the first thing people noticed as they drove up the driveway. Turning the lights on was one of the first things he did when he got home from work. Some days I would find him just sitting there starring at the tree. As the years went by we decorated less and less. My brother and I were older, he was out of the house and I was at school in Kansas but would come home for holiday break. My dad still made sure to have the tree up and lit when I got home. The tree was enough, it brought meaning and allowed us to gather around it on cold nights with a fire.

It always amazed me how one month could bring so much happiness and excitement to the entire world. I look back now and I also realize that same month brought my family closer together. It was one time each year that we actually enjoyed each other's company. We found ways to show we cared about one another and spent time just being a family. Whether it was dinner with family friends or just simply my family gathering around a table for dinner, it was special. December 2010, the year I lost my dad, I had forced my parents to fully decorate our house. It had been a while since the last time we actually decorated the house and added ornaments to the tree. In my heart I felt I needed some Christmas cheer. That would be the last time I ever decorated with my dad, his life ended two days before Christmas and I was left starring at our tree of memories. The day he passed away he took with him the family meaning of Christmas and the tradition we had for so many years. He also took with him the Christmas cheer. In one day the happiness surrounding my life was taken from me and I felt like I had lost reason to keep living.

Somehow I have made it to year two but still I struggle to figure out how to make it through this time of year without him. I hear Christmas music in stores and all I want to do is escape it as soon as possible. I have lost the ability to enjoy what this month means to so many others. Christmas is everywhere I go and the memories flow constantly tearing me apart because the one thing I need isn't here. Then at night I go home to a pitch black house that is trying to act like the month doesn't exist, as if holidays mean nothing anymore. It's one feeling I hate more than anything. Holidays just aren't holidays anymore and at this point nothing can change that.

I wish more than anything that I could figure out a way to continue traditions or even start new ones. It just seems impossible at this time. People prepare their holiday plans and I try to figure out how to make it through this time without crying every day. I try to smile and act like the pain isn't there but it's constantly there each and every moment of my day. I go from smiling to crying in seconds. I can't sleep at night trying to figure out how to make it through all of this. I look in the mirror and see a person with very little strength. I need people to be here but can't find the strength to ask for help. A huge amount of love is missing from my life and emptiness is covering the strength I once thought I had. I have this lonely feeling that takes over without warning and leaves me in tears. The life I once had is all I want back, yet at the time all I wanted was for it to be different. I wish I could sit here and say that everything I ever wanted to say and do was accomplished, but it wasn't. 

I know nothing I do can change anything. Nothing will bring my dad back. Although I have known that since the minute I found out he was gone, the reality of it is hitting me hard. There is so much change happening in my life that I want my dad to be apart of. His support and guidance is needed more than ever.  He has always been the person who would do anything to make sure all my plans matched up, while also making sure I wasn't going to fail. I thought each year would get better but that hasn't been the case and I feel incredibly lost. I now understand how important it was for me to leave last year around this time. Nothing about this month is easy and unfortunately, this year I can't run away from it. I need to live it. I need to accept that this year and forever after wont include my dad. I made it through last year, I will make it through this year and every year after. I will find ways to wake up each day, get out of bed, and try my best to be happy. At this point all I can really do is try to turn all of this around, put the face on that everyone wants and hide what I am feeling until I am in a place where I can let it out. Currently grief has a very strong hold of me... 

God bless,
Tay