Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Dear Dad

As children prepare their letters to Santa asking for all the things they want I decided to write my letter to you. There is truly nothing I want more then to have one more day with you, a day where I could spend every second showing you my appreciation. As a child each year I wrote a letter to this man that I viewed as one of the best people in the world. I mean come on, one single person who gave me everything I wanted and then some while also providing every other kid what they asked for. It wasn't long before I unwillingly found out that what I once believed to be true was actually a lie. However, behind a lie was a very honest, loving and caring individual that did everything in their power to give me what I wanted. Dad, you were my Santa. You may not have portrayed an exact image of Santa Claus but you sure had his characteristics. Your ultimate goal was to give me everything I asked for because the smile on my face Christmas morning was worth every penny. 

Santa Claus is real. He is real because the spirit he portrays for giving is a real living emotion. His spirit for loving and caring for the world exists. His challenge for people to become better individuals and spend time showing one another how much you love them makes each of us better people. For one month the world is a better place to live. Even when tragedy strikes we still remember the true meaning of Christmas. It is those people who "play the role" of Santa who deserve the gratitude. A lot is expected of each of them and the last thing they want is to let anyone down. 

It took me a long time to see and understand that you were my Santa. In reality it took you being absent to understand that. I saw the meaning of Christmas immediately taken from my life the day you were ripped away from me. The hallmark version of Christmas doesn't exist. I try my best to still give to others with a hope that they have what I once did but its a challenge. It's a challenge to talk about the plans I don't have with every person that asks. You gave me everything. I was such a lucky girl. Putting a smile on my face and making me feel special was your ultimate goal. Knowing someone cared that much about me made me feel like the greatest thing in the world. Now I am lost. I try to act like Christmas doesn't exist and hope that if I try hard enough the day will just pass by. Everything that was Christmas involved you. 

I hope you can see that I am trying dad. I know there have been times that I have been very negative about this month, especially the holiday. The sad part is the pain causes me to be blinded from the true meaning of Christmas. The gifts, food, and celebrations aren't what Christmas is truly about. I somehow hope to find that this year and remember what the day encompasses historically rather than what it has now become. I hope to find something to smile about, something to remind me of you. 

It's hard to believe its been two years since you left my life. It's been two very long years but at the same time the time has gone by extremely fast. It's amazing how other people in my life can remember exactly what they were doing the moment they were told what had happened. People who didn't even know you very well or even at all vividly remember the events of that entire day. Sometimes it's nice to go back through that day because each time I learn something new. At the time all I could think about was what had happened but was unable to see the immediate emotions others were faced with. Somehow I had all the support I could have ever needed right there in front of me with very little effort exerted. I think some of them were unaware of the changes that were ahead. Change is an understatement. 

As days go by I do my best to show happiness and love to everyone I come in contact with. I save those tough emotions I am fighting all day for when I get home when I know I can just let them all out. Maybe it's not the best way to go about it but right now it seems like so much less trouble. I am trying to take each day for what it's worth because pretty soon I will be in a very unfamiliar place. I won't have the same safe places to go when I feel I need to seek your love and advice. The spots I park my car and cry out to you. Dad, please know I am not running away. I know you understand that I need change. I need a new place where I can grow. A place where very little people know me and don't view those rough days as so incredibly bad. I will no longer be the girl who is "strong" and grieving after going through something a little tough. I can make a new name for myself and begin new adventures. 

Thank you Dad for always loving me more than any one person ever could. Thank you for making sure that I had people surrounding me that could build me up and get me through these last two years. You have guided me, pushed me and supported me through so many difficult moments. I know that you have had a hand in all the recent decisions I have had to make and you will continue to be right by my side. I can't even describe how much I miss you. Staying in San Diego this year isn't going to be easy but I know you will help me get through this. Take care of everyone special in my life and make sure they have a Christmas that brings them joy. Spread your smile to all who knew and loved you. Please don't ever stop spreading your wings and soaring over each and every life that needs you. There are some people who really need your love and support. I will be okay Dad. I am going to make it through these new and challenging adventures. 

Smile for me Dad. Remember those moments we shared. Shower grandma with so much love. After all those years you finally get to have a Christmas with your mom and dad. You deserve that more than anyone I know. Knowing you are with the two of them helps me smile through the tears. You have no more  pain and nothing makes me more happy then to know that. I love you dad with all my heart. You will forever live on in all that I do. 

God Bless,

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