Friday, December 21, 2012

Writing: My Escape

All I want is to be able to fall asleep. To wake up from this and have the two people that showed me so much about love sitting next to me. I thought I could act fine. I tried so hard this week to stay strong. I kept reminding myself to smile and laugh because I knew that's what they would want. I kept myself focused on my days and found happiness around the people who have stood by my side day in and day out. As the day began to come to an end, reality hit and I was reminded of the place I would have to return. A vacant house completely empty of any sort of emotion besides sadness. Does this month exist? Can it exist? For my family it's as if it can not. The two people that filled our lives with joy are no longer here.

The loss of my dad was so earth shattering that I think people forget that in June I also lost my grandma. After losing my dad my grandma was the one thing I had that made me feel like a piece of my dad was still here. She understood me. We could talk about anything. She helped me have faith in the things I struggled to see or even begin to understand. She loved me with all her heart. Tonight as I opened a present a patient got me, all I could do is think about her. The hope she had for life, the joy she constantly showed no matter what the circumstance was, the love she had for my family and of course the amazing faith she had. She was such an inspiration. My dad had so much love for her and nothing would or could ever change that. Putting a smile on her face was one of his daily goals. She truly meant the world to him and he meant the world to her.

Most people will admit that when it came to my family my dad and I were a lot a like. I was his mini me and he loved when people said that. Each time I went to his office patients would immediately view me as Dr. Aglio's daughter. They saw it in my face, especially my eyes. My dad viewed it as a compliment when patients said that. He loved having his daughter be compared to him. I, however, hated every moment of it. I would snap back and say no I look like my mom. I thought it was negative when they said I looked like him and acted like him. Now that I am older I understand that I couldn't have received a greater compliment. Being compared to my father is very special and it's all I have left in a world where all I want is to have him back.

My grandma and my dad were also a lot a like, which is why as the years went by the three of us began to get very close. We all had hearts filled with love and we constantly proved that to one another. My conversations with each of them became influential over the years. My grandma and I would talk about the importance of faith and she had so much hope for my life. Deep down I know my dad had a lot of faith. He would study books and meditate searching for any sort of peace. All he wanted was to feel safe and comforted. They were two of the most amazing people I have ever met. Over the years I grew to love both of them so much. I know you have to love your family but in all honesty my love for them was greater than anything I could have ever thought. They taught me the true meaning of caring for people with all your heart. They both taught me how to never give up and to have strength even when my world seems as if it is crumbling.

This year is another Christmas that I not only have to make it through without my Dad but for the first time I also have to make it without my grandma. Life was so much easier last year when I could escape to Colorado and in a way run from everything I was feeling. Now I am forced to be in this house where I am reminded of everything I wish I could forget. I know it's important to go through these emotions but I wish it wasn't necessary. I know I will be given the strength to get through all of this but everything in me wants to give up. If I ran away from it all would I regret it? Knowing how hard I am on myself I probably would. It's important to figure out how to fight emotions like these and to find happiness. Its very possible that the people in my life just don't understand and wether that's the case or not is okay. I have to go through this on my own, standing on my own two feet, and trusting that I will pull through. I have to figure out how to find things that remind me of my dad and my grandma while making me feel close to them instead of them feeling distant. I need to remember my life has meaning and that giving up on my goals means giving up on the goals so many have for me.

If I have been taught one thing it is that all the struggles have a purpose. One day they all will make sense and it may be another life that is changed through the difficult moments I have lived. I have no control over what takes place but I do have control over how I react to it. I am trying. I'm trying to stay strong and have faith. I'm trying to be positive and happy. But with that, I also know that I need to allow some of these emotions to occur and that being in my solitary may be the best thing for me to learn how to be stronger while also being more independent. I can't rely on everyone else so much. It is through my own heart and mind that I will learn to battle these terrible moments. The moments where I can't seem to find any hope. The important thing to remember is behind all those thoughts is a heart longing to heal. It's a person that wants to view life as missing nothing. One day it will all be okay and I will see the bright light at the end of a very long and lonely tunnel.

God bless,

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