Life Update, Fathers Day, & Love

I find it very interesting that some days I can sit down and complete a blog with very little thought, yet other days clicking publish seems like the most difficult task. I began writing this post a few days ago while sitting at one of my favorite places in Denver. A park known as Wash Park to those who live near it but it's real name being Washington Park. This park has become a spot where I escape daily life, lay with the dogs, write and read. It's the place I am at peace. In San Diego I had my "spots", the spots I always ran to when I needed to be alone. I actually was nervous about not having those places to escape any longer because I knew the meaning they held in my heart. I have been taught over time that it's not necessarily a specific spot that must hold meaning rather the memories that were shared in that place. Those memories can be remembered anywhere you are located and still hold just as much meaning as they once did.

It's been five months since I picked up and left the town I grew up in to move to a new place, a city I am falling in love with more by the day. Denver is very different than any place I have ever been. It's a place that grabs your heart very quickly. I am not even sure what makes it so unique. It could be the people, the atmosphere, weather, or possibly the peace that seems to flow through the cracks in the sidewalk. The question I always get is "why would you move away from San Diego to come here?", but the truth is this place has something that no other city has. A place filled with so many free spirited individuals and a whole lot of happiness. It has taken some time but I am slowly creating my own life in this city. I have been meeting more people and truly enjoying the sunshine. Even on bad days I am able to look around and find joy in the small things. A few months ago I found myself struggling to find purpose. I felt lost. I didn't want to be in San Diego but I didn't feel like I was meant to be here. I questioned my decision to move. I questioned my life, my future, and the choices I had made. As I took a step back and spent some time alone I realized I was closing myself off to what God has for me. Yes, I was in a new place and transitions can be difficult but I wasn't allowing myself the ability to be used. Any chance I had to move forward I nervously pushed myself away, scared of taking that step.

After spending about a week in solitude I quickly understood how my choices were not only affecting my own life but were affecting others as well. As my smile returned my personality quickly returned as well, and the change in others was noticeable. I guess I never realized that a carefree personality really does wear off on people and when it is hiding even those who don't know me are affected. It has been almost a year since I reached the point in grief where my personality returned. The year prior to that I felt lost and had no idea who I was. I went searching to find that person and I was frustrated when my answer seemed lost in the darkness. Even those around me were unable to see "the real tay", and they hoped for that person to return. Being in Denver is teaching me more about myself then I could have ever imagined. People that know nothing about me or my life see me as the person always laughing, smiling and just being a goofball. At work if I am having an off day people wonder why, which is a change because the bad days used to far outweigh the good days. Fortunately those days aren't often. I can remember when every day was filled with a face of pain and suffering. But, the positive is with time the good days happen more often and the bad days are far less frequent.

As for work, I am currently working at Nike and for those of you who know me you are probably reading this thinking "that has to be a dream come true for her!", but I can honestly tell you it is not. You should all be proud though because I am very smart about what I buy! I have only bought two pairs of shoes, one being specifically for running! ;) Anyways, even though I know this job isn't forever I can clearly see why I am in the position I am. After the initial "fun" period passed I had two weeks of hating what I was doing searching for some purpose at a place that took very little thinking to complete. I was mad that the only job I got was a job where my knowledge wasn't being used at all. However, once again I realized I was shutting myself off from what God had for me. My knowledge could be used and more importantly my heart, passion, and joy could be used to make the lives of those around me better. I began seeing a different side to work. I viewed each day as another day to change someones day for the better. I saw my days working in footwear as opportunities to use my knowledge of the body and how it moves. I have provided customers with feedback on injury prevention and different exercises they could do to help injuries such as shin splints and plantar fasciaitis. I take pride in getting them in the proper shoe for how their foot moves and even question managers on shoes that advertise specific functions. In apparel, I try to make the life of the shopper as easy as possible while starting conversations about all sorts of things. I slowly began to understand that every day you can change a life just by acknowledging people and showing interest in their lives. Through those moments I was taught a lot about myself and my daily purpose, not just my purpose for specific careers. No matter where I am or what I am doing I can make a difference in other's lives just by showing love.

I am reminded each day of the genuine compassion my father had. Even on his worst days he made sure to love people with everything he had to offer. Some days it wasn't as much as others but he still gave his everything. If he could live his life in that capacity then I can to. My father is the person I hope to be. I look up to him for his ability to look past the struggles of his life to make the world a better place. I truly believe that he taught me one of the most powerful aspects to life that anyone could ever teach me. Truly loving people can be a difficult task at times but with a heart filled with compassion for those suffering gives the ability to shine light into lives filled with so much darkness. My daily goal is to live for the day and not dwell on the little things. I have a very clear understanding of what my purpose is and because of that I may not be placed in a career or position that I thought was meant to be for me. In fact, more than likely I will find myself doing something I never intended to do. The excitement in that is knowing that God has something so much bigger for my life that I can't even begin to grasp at this time. We all have purpose. That statement alone should fill your heart with such a warm feeling because it's a constant reminder that there is something greater, something you can't even begin to imagine. Take that and run with it. Be used and more importantly be open to being used. Embrace the path you are led on knowing you are not walking it alone.

Father's Day is tomorrow. For some of you it will be a difficult day because you may have lost your father or maybe your father was never apart of your life, and in reality it's never easy to be reminded of that pain. Other's will have an awesome day because you will be spending it by your fathers side showing him that you are grateful for what he has done. My hope for all of you is that you can find something to make your day special. Celebrate and remember those no longer here. Find something that makes you smile because you know they would love what you decided to do. If you are someone who is having a difficult time forgiving your father for what he has done attempt to release that. Maybe even take that step of saying even though he hasn't been a father to me I am stronger than anything holding me back from at least acknowledging this day. Last but not least, show thanks to those fathers still around. Show them how much they mean to you and how thankful you are for what they have done because at some point you will wish you had another day to tell them the stuff that truly matters. Most of us, father or not, have some sort of fatherly influence and that person deserves just as much acknowledgement as the person who was your father.

Personally, my love for my father grows by the day as I am reminded more and more of the love he held in his heart. Although he is no longer here I am experiencing a greater appreciation for the way in which he lived his life. I can't even begin to explain how cool that feeling is. That is the reason that tomorrow I will celebrate and be thankful for every single thing about my father, good or bad. I will never stop loving him or living in his shadow. I can't wait to run tomorrow morning in his honor filled with joy and a huge smile on my face. The greatest gift I can give him is to continue living to the best of my ability and keep that smile on my face that everyone seems to love.

Love you pops with all my heart. Happy Fathers Day and thank you for being the greatest father any girl could have! I am who I am today because of you.

God Bless,
Tay

What Is Hope...

It's been over three years since I began writing in my blog and through that time I have been taught so much through my own writing. Still to this day as I go back to the first few posts I am reminded of why I felt the need to begin writing in the first place. I honestly had no idea the roller coaster of emotions that would follow my first ever blog post. I can remember that day like it was yesterday...

Today I woke up planning to go for a run, however knowing in my heart that isn't what I needed, I sat down and began putting my thoughts on paper. It's been a year since I sat by my grandma's bedside and held her hand for her last and final breath. In that moment I was scared to let go of her hand and scared of the unknown that was ahead of me. There are two people in my life that have always understood every aspect of who I am with no judgement at all, so the thought of being without either of them was heart breaking. After losing my dad I felt lost and alone but each day I spoke to my grandma she gave me purpose and reminded me that we couldn't give up. She helped me never lose sight on the future God had planned for me. She was more than just my grandma, she was a true angel sent from God to walk with me and teach me the meaning of faith.

As I look back on the past year I am amazed at where life has taken me. In the past three and a half years I am even more amazed at how God has used me. At the time it's difficult to see how something so tragic can bring about good, however with the right people around you and God as the forefront it's possible to use pain to bring healing. In fact, I truly believe that our pain has a direct effect on one's ability to be healed. You must be willing to release the initial pain to find the deeply rooted emotions holding you back from seeing true light. The reminder of the painful trials you have endured is the place where true healing begins. You are forced to accept what has happened in order to move forward with mercy and grace. For me, the past five months has been a time where God has forced me to take a deep look at where I came from but with a constant reminder of what is ahead of me. Heartache can rip you apart in a multitude of ways but it can also build you up and truly shape your heart. Years ago I knew that I wanted to help people but I wasn't sure what that looked like. To be honest, I don't know if I was actually prepared to help anyone at that point even though I thought I could. I was in need of being helped and had to accept that I couldn't do it on my own. A good friend took on the challenge of walking with me and showed me what the true meaning of love is. Love is something we say so often, which causes us to question whether it actually holds meaning. Love is being able to truly care about people despite their baggage because we all have a large amount. The ability to take the time to walk with someone through the good times and the bad. Putting your life on hold because you know that someone else needs you more in that moment.

Love and hope are two words that if you know me are thrown around very often. These are two words that I believe have truly shaped my life and are helping build my future. The other night I thought to myself that trials we are forced to deal with have the ability to give us fuel for the future. Hope is what fuels my life and through that I have been shown how to love people with true compassion. I have witnessed people being at their weakest state with nothing left except the slightest bit of hope, in fact I have been there before. Yes, hope is a word that is mentioned as if it holds no meaning but there is so much more to it. Feeling as if the darkest cloud surrounds life with no purpose to continue and in that moment a small amount of light enters, that is hope. Hope forces us even for a second to escape the dark thoughts and find light. Hope is a true life saver allowing people to keep fighting when all they want to do is give up. A simple word is what defines my purpose in life. Giving people hope when they can't find any. It is what drives Give'N'GetFit and will continue to allow us to reach new heights. It's a hope that through our efforts and the efforts of so many others, that lives will be changed and the length of those suffering lives will only continue to grow.

I feel blessed to have known so much love in my life and although I have lost a lot, there has been so much to gain in the process. Although at times it's difficult to admit, the people I have lost have made me who I am today and without them there is no telling where I would be. Today is just a reminder of one of the amazing people I was fortunate to know. A reminder that my life is better for having a grandma that was such an incredible person. She is with me every single day, giving me the faith to never give up and reminding me of the love that God has for me, as well as, every other person. I am thankful for the moment I had one year ago when I walked in the room and her face lit up. I am also thankful that in that moment God gave her the ability to speak the words I love you one last time. It is that moment that makes the rough days a little easier to handle. It was in that moment that the fear holding me back from moving on with my life was released. God used death to bring life and purpose back into my life. I am forever grateful for that day and for my grandma. 

Grandma you will always hold a special place in my heart. 

God Bless,

Tay