Happiness...what exactly does that mean?

A common theme in my life right now is happiness. Those around me are in search of it, speaking of it, and contemplating every aspect of their lives in order to figure out what has been keeping them from truly being happy. As they each do some serious soul searching, I too, have been thinking a lot about the term happiness. My thoughts have been surrounded around the real meaning behind a word that can honestly have so many meanings to each and every person alive on this earth. The things that make you happy may not be the same for me and vise verse. So, with that being said can we actually help one another define a word that has so many definitions? Can we impact someones life and bring them happiness? Or does our impact on someones life only occur if the other person is willing to look inside themselves and be honest with what their heart is truly feeling? Personally, this journey of understanding, acknowledging, and "searching" for happiness began almost four years ago, the moment my dad was taken from this world. However, what I have come to find is that was a tragic event in my life that brought forth an issue that surfaced long before December 23rd, 2010. I have also come to realize that it is an issue that has been present in the lives of some of my closest friends for years and years.

According to Webster happiness is defined as the state of being happy, the state of well-being and contentment, as well as a pleasurable or satisfying experience. As I read these words and re-read these words I couldn't help but notice some very important details in how this ever so present word is described. First of all it says state of being happy or state of well-being. If you really think about what those words are saying it proves that happiness will not necessarily be an every second, every minute, or even every day feeling. A "state" is defined as a way of living or existing, which means your state of being is actually how you choose to live and exist in this world. As you look at the definition again, happiness is a way of living, it's your ability to be content with the way that your life is. Happiness is a choice, your choice, not anyone in your life but your own decision to accept the outcome of each situation in your life and be willing to use it to make your way of living better rather than worse.

Reading that last paragraph may upset you because if I wasn't sitting here writing it I would probably read that and feel a little bit of anger. It's a paragraph that puts a lot of pressure on each of us as an individual and most of the time humans hate having the blame placed on themselves. However, I want you to take a moment to actually sit there and contemplate a few things...

1. First off, take a second to think about what truly makes you happy, whether it be people, places, stuff, or even entertainment.
2. Next, why do those things bring you happiness?
3. If those things did not exist, would you still be happy with yourself and your life?
4. Are there things in your life that you feel you could not live without or go on living if they were to disappear? 
5. If you answered yes to the previous question, are you thankful for those things or do you take those things for granted?
6. Do you spend your time trying to improve your own life or do you expect others to improve it for you? 
7. Lastly, when you find things that actually make you happy do you make a point to not only keep those things in your life but be grateful that you have found something that improves your life rather than making your life more difficult or more negative?

For the last three to almost four years of my life I have used the death of my father followed by the death of my grandma as an excuse to live the life I have been living. Every time I went through a difficult period of time, felt lost, searched for answers or whatever else you may want to call it, it ultimately would come back to the fact that I lost my father. Not only was this my inner feeling but outwardly it was every ones reaction or response. It was engraved in my head that I had reason to do all the things I was choosing to do because "I lost my father". The issue I have found with that is living my life in that way is absolutely no help to my future. Believing that is the source of my "unhappiness" isn't going to bring my father back. I have never expected people to feel sorry for me because in my heart I know and believe that every single one of us goes through life dealing with our own battles. Yes, some may seem more difficult than other's but the fact is comparing trials is a waste of precious time. Looking at others lives in jealousy is a waste of what God has placed you on this earth to fulfill because all those things that you may have listed above could be taken from you in the blink of an eye. Whether it be people, places, things or whatever else it may look like to you, those things could be ripped from you before you even know it and then what...? I will tell you what happens, you are left there alone trying to search for answers as to why you suddenly feel lost in a world that continues moving at a quick pace around you. It no longer matters who is around you. Those around you can't fix the way that you feel or choose to act. Those people can't replace what is missing in your heart. 

To answer one of the first questions I asked, people CAN NOT make you happy. People CAN influence your state of being by making experiences you have with them pleasurable or exciting. People CAN make your world a better place by loving you and joining in on the journey or path you have been chosen to walk, but people, things, or places CAN NOT be your only source of happiness. Happiness starts with your ability to wake up each morning in a different state of mind. It's your ability to look over all the negatives in your life and enjoy whatever positives may exist even if the only positive is the fact that you are still alive and breathing. People all across the world are fighting for their lives day in and day out. Don't you think that they wish that they could wake up without pain, with the ability to live a "normal" life and free of whatever burden is holding them back from being considered "normal" in a world that is far from it? Every one of us does it. At some time or another each and every one of us has woke up with the mind set of "poor me". The truth is the "poor me" attitude won't make anything better and the more you suffocate your life around that statement the worse off you are going to be. We all have it hard. This world is far from easy to live in and ultimately the state of being happy is something that is missing from so many lives. However, if the kid in a wheel chair, the man gasping for every breathe he can, the person battling a horrendous disease, or the every day American struggling to eat and live, can still find it in them to love and appreciate all aspects or even most aspects of their life, what is stopping you?

I am not perfect and I never once will claim to be. To be honest nothing is ever perfect. I have made a lot of terrible decisions and I have ran to some of the worse things I possibly could. I have treated people poorly and I have woke up for days, weeks, and even months hoping that people would feel sorry for my situation, that people would understand why my life at times has collapsed right before my eyes, and would also excuse the fact that I am still a very lost individual even after almost four years of time passing. The truth is not one of you should feel sorry for the way my life is because my life is my life and no matter how many trials I am forced to go through, each and every one of them has a purpose. The same goes for each of you. The struggles you have been through, the inner battle you deal with, the daily struggle of searching for what makes you happy has made you who you are. If your life had been any different, you would be different, and you may have missed out on certain events and people that have entered your life. Be grateful for the things that are currently in your life. Be grateful for the people in your life because they are in your life for a reason. You may not understand their purpose just yet, but they have purpose. Allow them to be apart of your journey. Allow them to walk beside you and help guide your steps. Don't expect them to make every day perfect but expect them to be there in those moments you really need a friend. That is what true friendship is all about. Every single aspect of your life has purpose but it starts with you being able to see those things and acknowledge the good rather than focusing on the bad. The longer you spend re-living the past whether it be how you treated people, how people treated you, decisions you made, bad choices or any other negative you can think of will ultimately only keep you further from being content with your current life and the possibilities of what your future could entail. 

Take some time to think about your life. Think about the things you are grateful for. If it's people in your life, tell them you are grateful for what they bring to your life because tomorrow they could be gone. Acknowledge the positives in your life. Acknowledge how far you have come from certain situations in your life that brought so much darkness, those situations that you could never see yourself making it through but you have. No matter where you started you have made gains in a positive direction but you can't allow yourself to fall back into how things used to be. The way things used to be is in the past and those things are keeping you from seeing what is right in front of you or even what is to come. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for all the positives and negatives because they have made me the person I am today. I am thankful that I am still alive and able to write or do all the other things that I love to do. I am thankful for all the relationships in my life currently and in the past because they have taught me so much about myself, what I deserve, and what I want. I am thankful for you and that you have taken the time to read my blog. Be grateful. Appreciate your life, all aspects, good or bad. And always remember that giving up is the easy way out and doesn't make any ones life any easier.

God Bless,

Taylor 

Home...

What exactly makes a place home? How do we put a label on an area that is considered "home" with the idea that our place of choosing will always be known as that to each of us? Is home where we spent most of our lives, where we created the most memories, or the place where we went through the most struggles? Does it usually remind you of more good memories than bad or is a mixture of both? My final question on this topic is how do you describe your home, how do you label it, where is home to you and how has home changed you to be the person you are today?

These questions have been running through my mind since I made the decision two months ago to move back to San Diego. For years if you would have asked me what my home was I would have said San Diego and then tried to explain that I grew up in Ramona, which most people have no clue where Ramona is even located. Ramona is where I was raised, it's where I went to school, graduated high school and made a name for myself through Varsity Soccer. Ramona is where my dad practiced Chiropractic for almost twenty years. Most people knew the name Joe Aglio, so you could say my family name had some pretty strong importance to the town. Ramona was a place growing up where everyone pretty much knew everyone. You could say someones name and in some way or another you knew of that person or you knew people they were affiliated with. My group of girls that I grew up with at different stages of my life are still a huge part of my life today and some of them have become even better friends in the recent years and even months. There is something about this town that is easy to come back to...it's very welcoming, but it's also funny to see that things really don't change. Driving through town the other day proved to me that things really did not look much different than before I left. The building of Ramona Chiropractic still has the same sign with my dads name on it even though the office has been closed for over two years now. A few new buildings have been built and a few restaurants have changed but besides that Ramona is still the same Ramona I have always known.

My arrival to San Diego brought a lot of different emotions. Some of them were happy thoughts about the people I would get to see that I had not seen in almost two years, some were anxious feelings of being back in the place that reminded me so much of my past and some of my feelings were sad because of what I left in Colorado. Even with all of those different emotions it felt good to be back and it felt even better to be able to give my mom a hug for the first time since the day I said goodbye. It was immediately clear to me that my time in San Diego was going to be very important in order to move on with my life and be content with making a future for myself wherever that may be. It proved to me that you can have more places than just one that you consider home. San Diego will always be home to me that will never change because San Diego is where my life was rooted and it's the place that has made me the person I am in a lot of ways. However, I view Colorado as home because Colorado was MY home. It wasn't the home or lifestyle that I was forced to live. It wasn't a place that I had to be what my parents wanted me to be or what everyone else wanted me to be. I was able to create my own self without having this persona that I felt like I had to stick to. I found myself in Colorado, not to say that I fully know who I am or what I want but I did find myself. Looking back on my time there I really did go through a lot but again it has shaped me into the person I am right now. The important thing that I need to remind myself is that it did not change who Taylor is. The Taylor that everyone knew in San Diego before I left is still the same person I am but now I am just more comfortable with who that person is.

It's pretty interesting to me that upon arriving to San Diego things just seemed to fall together pretty quickly. All the stress I had in my head about all these different things was put to ease right away. Talking to people, the first thing they say is "you have been home for one week how have you already figured out what your "plan" is for the coming months?", but sometimes thats how life works. We stress so much about all these different things and when we finally release it things fall together. The amount of time that I have had lately to think and just be is insane. I have never felt so much freedom and have never wanted to be alone so much. I have spent countless hours surrounded by the beautiful outdoors that San Diego is so well known for. I find myself visiting places that I have never actually been before. There are moments I get extremely antsy wanting to work and be busy but I have reminded myself time and time again that this is exactly what I need right now. In fact, this is what I have needed for years. I have needed time for myself, time to breathe in what's around me, to take in and open my eyes to the beauty that is all around me. I needed to slow down and pay attention to the little things because those little things have proved to be incredibly important to the big picture. I have had the chance to spend some quality time with people talking about life, love and ultimately the pursuit of happiness. I may not be someone that enjoys free time but I can fully admit that me not starting work immediately has been one of the biggest blessings. It has taught me how important our time is and it has also shown me what I have been doing to myself for the past four to six years of my life. Never giving myself a break, constantly striving to be something more but never allowing my mind or body to rest, and pushing myself past the limits that I was capable of handling, which, has only caused me exhaustion, heartache, and unhappiness.

I have reached a point in my life that I am ready to focus on me. I am ready to get rid of the negativity in my life and work on being that happy girl that is always smiling. The girl I used to be before I unfortunately watched my life come crashing down before my eyes. I can finally sit here and admit to you that losing my father was probably the hardest thing I will ever have to go through in my life and it has altered my life more than I ever was willing to admit or thought it would. It put a mask on the person I was and I watched myself go down a spiraling path of destruction. I ran to the completely wrong things and really had no true care about reaching any goal I once had for myself. With all that being said, I remember a conversation I had with one of my best friends once I moved to Colorado where she told me that the next year would be different for me. She told me "you are going to let loose in Colorado and probably do some things that you look back on and say what was I thinking but it's what you need to do and it's what is going to allow you to move forward with your life". She was exactly right. My life had been so structured and so serious especially after losing my dad that I needed to escape everything I once knew and live a life that I was completely unfamiliar with in order to release everything I was thinking and feeling. Now that those moments have passed I can finally say that I am thankful for the free and less serious or structured lifestyle that I had been living, but I am excited for the change that is ahead. I thank each of you for being apart of this journey and I thank you for all the love and support you have shown. Hopefully you are as excited for what is ahead as I am! :)

God Bless,
Taylor

Ground Zero

Over the years I have been taught to trust that things happen for a reason or in better words they happen for a purpose. Sometimes that purpose is very clear. You are given the ability in that moment to understand the trial and the meaning it has on your life. However, there are points in life where the ability to see and think clearly are much more difficult. Things happening for a reason no longer has meaning.  Suddenly everything you were ever taught is thrown out the window and you are forced to pick back up at ground zero. Acknowledging that ground zero is not a fun place to be may take time to notice but once you do you feel yourself fall a little more. Ground zero is a rough place to find yourself. It's the reason the twin towers are known as ground zero after 9/11. Once you reach that point there is nothing left and you can only restart, trying to rebuild what has been taken from you but knowing in your heart that nothing can really fill whatever void is there.

Unfortunately I have found myself in this place often. Don't get me wrong I know my life is much easier than a lot of people in this world. I would never try to sit here and tell you that my life couldn't be worse. I would also never sit here and say that the battles you personally may be going through are any less extreme then what I deal with or have had to deal with. Truth is your battle is your battle. No one can tell you how to get through it. Being at the bottom tends to be one of the best places to be because you can only go up. The thing that is scary is when do you actually know you have reached that point? When do you truly know that you can't fall any further? I personally think that is a very difficult and terrifying question.

I have watched myself numerous amounts of times fall subject to negativity and evil thoughts. I have found myself at some of the weakest points that most wouldn't understand. I have seen my life flash before my eyes and questioned whether I could actually push through. I have watched friends fall subject to a multitude of negative habits including eating disorders, depression, suicidal tendencies, cutting, alcohol, and drugs. I myself have fell subject to some of those same negative choices. I have been caught searching for the one thing that could ease all my pain knowing whole heartedly the choices I was making would only hurt me more. I have understood the place I was in was not what God intended for me but didn't feel like I had the ability to dig myself out of the deep dark hole I was stuck in. For the most part I tend to realize when I have reached that point. The real question is in that time, what strength do I have left to find my way out.

Once again I am finding myself falling victim to searching for what one thing will make me happy. Of course I know in my heart that one thing just doesn't exist. There is a lot about my life currently that isn't working out in a way that brings me complete happiness. Something is missing. But what is it that is missing and how do I fix that...? Am I in the wrong place? Has my life been one bad decision after another? Am I missing what my life used to be? Is this just part of the grief journey? I am truly exhausted. Living right now is just plain exhausting. Everything feels like it takes so much effort. I over think and over analyze every single situation. I have pushed people away, steered clear of asking for help and held in emotions I am feeling. For what? Because I think it makes me tough...it makes me feel stronger. In reality I am more weak than anyone in my life is willing to see. I am just a young girl in search of happiness still wondering why my father had to be taken from me and why my grandma was taken from me shortly after. I am just someone wishing I could be with the two people I loved so dearly. Why do I get so far and then fall so fast?

Every question previously stated leads me back to the beginning of this post. The answer is no, I am where I am supposed to be. I was meant to be here and I am thankful for the life I have made and continue to make. I have a purpose here whether I see it now or not. However, even with that realization I must also be honest with myself and understand that even with this move having a purpose, that purpose could also end at any point. I must be willing to give it a chance here but while also remembering that me moving here doesn't mean I am stuck here. My move was a choice with no time limit, whether I think there should be or not. My year time frame really means nothing. My year time is a humanly made goal that can only be achieved if it's what God wants for me. Ultimately His path is the path I choose to take. At this point that path is unclear. So, I am left here to trust that the answer will be given to me when the time is right. That day may be soon or it may be years from now but I am doing the best I can to be patient.

Until that moment arrives, I need to go back to doing the things that make me happy. The things that release stress and tension from my life. I need to be spending more time at the gym and eating right. I also need to work on getting more sleep. I need to find time to be alone with my thoughts and emotions. Give myself time to write, read and journal so my thoughts are released in a positive manner rather than towards people that don't deserve it. I need to remember what's important to me, my goals and aspirations for my life. I need to continue my path to be an EMT and focus my time on studying. Some how I need to find that strength that has always been buried deep inside of me. I need to trust that having hope always allows you to prevail and never fail. Ultimately, life has to continue and overcoming trials is something that will never disappear.


For me, this post was a very honest and sincere look into my life. I admitted things that I usually don't enjoy telling the entire world. However, with opening myself up in this manner it forces me to follow through with the things I have listed that I say I need to fix. It holds me accountable as I have been truthful in announcing what makes me a better human being, a happier individual and ultimately a better friend. Because if there is one thing currently that I hate more than anything it's the fact that I feel like I haven't been a good friend to a lot of people that truly deserve my time and energy. So, with that being said this is also a public apology for anyone in my life that feels I have been non existent and I ask that if that is the case call me out on it. I am at a point where I need to be called out because I need to face all of this stuff head on and fix it. I need to stop the bullshit and get my life together. With that being said my final thought is that I can't even begin to imagine how disappointed my father is...


God Bless,
Taylor

An Array of Thoughts

Today was one of the hardest days I have had in the gym in a while. I woke up feeling very run down as if I am coming down with a cold. My body and mind are drained, physically and emotionally. Actually I had no interest in even going. The weather probably played a role in that because its the perfect weather to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. The worst part was my pre-workout didn't even help.  But I knew I had a plan for the day that I needed to complete no matter how hard it would be. Yesterday I had planned to do a long cardio session today followed by lifting, however that wasn't going to happen. In order to even make it through cardio I had to do 20 minutes on the elliptical and 20 min of incline walking on the treadmill. Let me tell you it was a struggle. Every step I took my body reminded me of how tired it was. All I wanted to do was give up. On top of that it seemed as if every past injury was flared up today. My left calf felt like it wanted to explode, which was only a reminder of my compartment syndrome injury. Luckily, I made it through those very tough 40 minutes. Then there was lifting, the one thing that usually brings me out of any mood I may be in but not today. Once again I battled mind and body. I truly pushed until I had nothing left to give. My arms were shaking, my shoulder was tired, and I just wanted to be finished. It felt as if for two hours I was constantly reminded of my past. The struggles I have been through, the pain, the challenges but also the growth that has occurred because of those trials. Those injuries were what led me to rely on God for strength. They forced me to take a look in the mirror and change my life not just for myself but for everyone around me. Pain can lead to a positive outcome it just depends on how you look at it. You can either stay bitter or allow those struggles to make you better. It's a rough road. A lonely road. And at times it feels as if no one understands. People can walk beside you, help you and support you but they can't do it for you, only you can.

A lot of people don't understand why I spend so much time in the gym. A lot of those same people don't understand why or how I stay so dedicated to diet and exercise. I even think some people have it in their minds that its easy for me. Truth is its not easy at all. I wanted to share my story of today with the sole purpose of explaining that its just as hard for me as it is for you. Of course there are times where getting out of bed hours before I have to is the last thing I want to do. I have those days where it takes everything in me just to get in the car and go to the gym. But to be honest, that is half the battle. I'm not even talking about just the gym in this case, but sometimes just showing up in life is one of the most important things. Now when talking about my diet that may be one of the biggest challenges. It takes a ton of self control and it has taken me a pretty long time to get to the point I am at. I am not perfect and I still have a lot of areas that I want to improve on. I look in the mirror just like every other person and immediately pick apart what I don't like. The only difference compared to some is when I do that I don't accept it. I use it as fuel. It motivates me to push myself. It makes me work harder on those days when all I want to do is quit. I think sometimes we look at people and our jealousy overpowers our ability to truly think of what it took for that person to get where they are. We forget that they have struggled through all those same emotions and still struggle with similar issues. That same jealous feeling blinds our ability to look at someone's life with compassion so instead we judge them. And why are we judging them? We are actually mad at ourselves for not having that strength and will-power. At the time it just seems easier to take it out on them.

My challenge for you is take a look at what's inside your heart. What is fueling you to treat people the way you do or make the comments you make about others lives? Are you feeling some sort of jealousy, bitterness, guilt or maybe even shame? Don't let what's in your heart rob you of love and compassion to others. If you know someone that is extremely passionate about something take a second to ask them why. I'm telling you some of the stories people tell me at the gym or even my friends that now live to workout, what drives them is generally an incredible testimony. Think about that next time you think someone's life is easy or perfect. You have no idea what's behind that hard work. Lastly, as you challenge yourself to look at what's in your heart, challenge yourself to take even one step towards a healthier life. Transfer the time you spend worrying about everyone else and figure out what you can do to make your life better. Maybe it's not necessarily working out, maybe it's something else. Whatever it may be try to find it. Stop making excuses. Forgive those who hurt you and remember that living in the past will block you from what God has for your future. If you love something do it. Allow your life to be as purposeful as it's meant to be.

God Bless,
Tay

Live For Today, There Is No Tomorrow - Exodus 8:10

⁸ Then Pharaoh called Moses and Aaron, and said, “Pray to the Lord to take away the frogs from me and my people, and I will let the people go to sacrifice to the Lord.” ⁹ Moses said to Pharaoh, “Kindly tell me when I am to pray for you and for your officials and for your people, that the frogs may be removed from you and your houses and be left only in the Nile.” ¹⁰ And he said, “Tomorrow.” Moses said, “As you say! So that you may know that there is no one like the Lord our God,

Exodus 8:10 to some may be a seemingly insignificant verse, however for the past week it has been a verse that has constantly been on my mind. I had the privilege of listening to a sermon by a lady from Hillsong United church in Sydney, Australia. I can honestly say that this sermon couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Reaching the 6-month point of my move has brought about a lot of challenges. I had reached a point where I was feeling very home-sick. I haven't necessarily missed San Diego, but I have missed the people in San Diego. I have missed having my own group of friends and different groups to spend time with. It has been a big change, but with change has come a lot of growth. Now that I have gone slightly off topic let me explain the importance of the verses you see above.

Take a second to imagine an entire city filled with gross, annoying, and disgusting frogs. I don't know about you but frogs are nasty and I cant stand listening to their constant "ribbets", especially when it's right outside your room. I will admit that during a rain storm there is something peaceful about a frog making noise and the rain hitting the ground, but besides that and possibly their ability to turn into a prince, there is nothing cute about a frog. It was for this reason that Pharaoh's wife asked him to get rid of the frogs from the city. Pharaoh at that point called Moses and asked him to remove the frogs from the city. Moses response was that all Pharaoh had to do was tell him when he should pray to his God to remove the frogs and his God would remove them. What power our God has! In verse 10 you can clearly see Pharaoh's response, which should be shocking to anyone who reads it. He could have said right now or even tonight but instead he said tomorrow. Why would he want the city to live another night with frogs knowing that Moses had just said that his God could immediately remove them?

At this point you may be wondering, what is the point of this post? The point of this post is that Pharaoh's answer is so incredibly common in the world we live in. We respond to different aspects of life with not even just the response of acting tomorrow but also the mindset of always having the access to respond to all of life's choices, tomorrow. The definition of tomorrow is, "the day after today", yet we don't live in a way of it being AFTER today. We tend to live in tomorrow. What I mean by this is some of us never actually live for today. There is no tomorrow, because once you reach tomorrow it's now today and the tomorrow you just focused so much time on is no longer available. God prepares us with what occurred yesterday in order to deal with today. He expects us to not just exist and think about changing but to actually change, not tomorrow, but today. However, like I said before, some of us never live for today, instead we just exist, always hoping for something better tomorrow. We choose to make tomorrow the day we will change. The problem is once tomorrow becomes today we once again say tomorrow I will do that, tomorrow I will start eating better, tomorrow I will go to the gym, tomorrow I will start being a better friend, or tomorrow I will change my life and make better choices. We choose to spend our today's talking about what we will do tomorrow without ever actually making it to the tomorrow we speak of. In this process the validation of saying "tomorrow I will do...", allows us the contentment as if we already completed what we said we were going to. It is for this reason we never actually act on what we said.

The majority of us have no true understanding of what living in today really means. The issue with this is that we are only promised today, there is no promise of tomorrow. If every person lived for today, the world would be a different place. Love would be shown in the now, lives would be changed today, and the world would be a brighter place to live because people would truly understand the importance of living in the now. We often say to forget the past and worry about the future but in reality yesterday has more meaning then tomorrow. Yesterday has the ability to help us today. It can motivate us, change us, strengthen us, and prove that we no longer have to be suffocated by what happened because it's a new day.Yesterday helps us grow while tomorrow ultimately makes us weaker. Tomorrow allows us the ability to make bad decisions today, accepting our choices because in our hearts and mind we believe that by changing tomorrow it will make those choices better. All the burdens, pain, shame, guilt, and broken pieces must be dealt with today or you will never deal with them. You will live with the frogs of your past forever and begin to accept those frogs as just part of your life. But the fact is you don't have to live with the frogs of your past. The moment you realize change is what you need it must happen in that next moment or the few moments after. Whether it's just one small step or a giant leap, you must be willing to say today I will change, not tomorrow, today.

The facts are the longer you spend talking of tomorrow the more today's you miss and the more today's you miss the less impact you have on the world and the people in it. I am sure you constantly hear people say live for today, but do you even understand what that means? I know one thing it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean you should live in today and just exist because that my friends is not truly living. You have everything inside of you at this moment to have purpose today. You have more strength today in that moment you accept change then you will tomorrow when you wake up or when you press the snooze button to life. Once you finally decide to wake up because you feel you have to, you allow yourself the ability to justify once again the ability to just wait until "tomorrow". Day after day your life revolves around what could happen tomorrow.

I challenge you to live for today, change today, go to the gym today, and don't live today afraid of what could happen tomorrow. Whether you believe it or not you are not promised tomorrow, in fact you are not promised anything because you are apart of a divine plan and unfortunately you have no clue where or when that plan ends. What you should know is that no matter what happens today, you are here for a purpose and your purpose is to love, live and serve in the only moment you are promised. If there is something you want to do, do it now. If you have been putting off working out make today be the day that you change. Don't keep telling yourself what you will do tomorrow and never actually completing it. Every single one of you has more strength and power inside you then you could ever imagine. Don't allow your mind the ability to justify why your past is how you should be living your life today. Whatever has happened in your past is over and the only hold it now has one you is fuel to make a change today. I truly believe in every person on this earth. I believe this world could be a better place if we just woke up each morning and accepted today for what it has to offer. We all have so much power to make the world better. I truly hope that if you get anything out of this post it's that you attempt to live in the now and be grateful for all the amazing blessings you have in your life. We don't know anything about tomorrow and all we can do is have faith that we make it to tomorrows today to see what God has for us.

Change lives, donate, workout, eat better, make better choices, reach for the stars, follow your dreams, inspire, love, challenge, support, and truly live each today as if it's your last. If my life journey has taught me anything it has taught me to live in the now and leave nothing unsaid because unfortunately in the blink of an eye it could be all over. In a heartbeat that person you love more than anything in this world could be gone and at that point you are left with the question of can I make it through today. I now understand that even through all the negatives of grief, the one positive is the appreciation it gives you on the ability to live, not just exist but wholeheartedly live with a goal to change lives. I am thankful that through my loss, my two fathers have shown me the true meaning of love, while also showing me how to truly love others no matter what their circumstances may be. With that being said, I hope that you will take these verses to heart and get at least one thing out of this post. I hope that you marinade on the idea of living in the now and truly ask yourself if you are just existing or if you are doing all you can to change your life today.

“Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don’t rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you’re doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out? You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you , but now you’ll never know.” 

God Bless,
Tay

Life Update, Fathers Day, & Love

I find it very interesting that some days I can sit down and complete a blog with very little thought, yet other days clicking publish seems like the most difficult task. I began writing this post a few days ago while sitting at one of my favorite places in Denver. A park known as Wash Park to those who live near it but it's real name being Washington Park. This park has become a spot where I escape daily life, lay with the dogs, write and read. It's the place I am at peace. In San Diego I had my "spots", the spots I always ran to when I needed to be alone. I actually was nervous about not having those places to escape any longer because I knew the meaning they held in my heart. I have been taught over time that it's not necessarily a specific spot that must hold meaning rather the memories that were shared in that place. Those memories can be remembered anywhere you are located and still hold just as much meaning as they once did.

It's been five months since I picked up and left the town I grew up in to move to a new place, a city I am falling in love with more by the day. Denver is very different than any place I have ever been. It's a place that grabs your heart very quickly. I am not even sure what makes it so unique. It could be the people, the atmosphere, weather, or possibly the peace that seems to flow through the cracks in the sidewalk. The question I always get is "why would you move away from San Diego to come here?", but the truth is this place has something that no other city has. A place filled with so many free spirited individuals and a whole lot of happiness. It has taken some time but I am slowly creating my own life in this city. I have been meeting more people and truly enjoying the sunshine. Even on bad days I am able to look around and find joy in the small things. A few months ago I found myself struggling to find purpose. I felt lost. I didn't want to be in San Diego but I didn't feel like I was meant to be here. I questioned my decision to move. I questioned my life, my future, and the choices I had made. As I took a step back and spent some time alone I realized I was closing myself off to what God has for me. Yes, I was in a new place and transitions can be difficult but I wasn't allowing myself the ability to be used. Any chance I had to move forward I nervously pushed myself away, scared of taking that step.

After spending about a week in solitude I quickly understood how my choices were not only affecting my own life but were affecting others as well. As my smile returned my personality quickly returned as well, and the change in others was noticeable. I guess I never realized that a carefree personality really does wear off on people and when it is hiding even those who don't know me are affected. It has been almost a year since I reached the point in grief where my personality returned. The year prior to that I felt lost and had no idea who I was. I went searching to find that person and I was frustrated when my answer seemed lost in the darkness. Even those around me were unable to see "the real tay", and they hoped for that person to return. Being in Denver is teaching me more about myself then I could have ever imagined. People that know nothing about me or my life see me as the person always laughing, smiling and just being a goofball. At work if I am having an off day people wonder why, which is a change because the bad days used to far outweigh the good days. Fortunately those days aren't often. I can remember when every day was filled with a face of pain and suffering. But, the positive is with time the good days happen more often and the bad days are far less frequent.

As for work, I am currently working at Nike and for those of you who know me you are probably reading this thinking "that has to be a dream come true for her!", but I can honestly tell you it is not. You should all be proud though because I am very smart about what I buy! I have only bought two pairs of shoes, one being specifically for running! ;) Anyways, even though I know this job isn't forever I can clearly see why I am in the position I am. After the initial "fun" period passed I had two weeks of hating what I was doing searching for some purpose at a place that took very little thinking to complete. I was mad that the only job I got was a job where my knowledge wasn't being used at all. However, once again I realized I was shutting myself off from what God had for me. My knowledge could be used and more importantly my heart, passion, and joy could be used to make the lives of those around me better. I began seeing a different side to work. I viewed each day as another day to change someones day for the better. I saw my days working in footwear as opportunities to use my knowledge of the body and how it moves. I have provided customers with feedback on injury prevention and different exercises they could do to help injuries such as shin splints and plantar fasciaitis. I take pride in getting them in the proper shoe for how their foot moves and even question managers on shoes that advertise specific functions. In apparel, I try to make the life of the shopper as easy as possible while starting conversations about all sorts of things. I slowly began to understand that every day you can change a life just by acknowledging people and showing interest in their lives. Through those moments I was taught a lot about myself and my daily purpose, not just my purpose for specific careers. No matter where I am or what I am doing I can make a difference in other's lives just by showing love.

I am reminded each day of the genuine compassion my father had. Even on his worst days he made sure to love people with everything he had to offer. Some days it wasn't as much as others but he still gave his everything. If he could live his life in that capacity then I can to. My father is the person I hope to be. I look up to him for his ability to look past the struggles of his life to make the world a better place. I truly believe that he taught me one of the most powerful aspects to life that anyone could ever teach me. Truly loving people can be a difficult task at times but with a heart filled with compassion for those suffering gives the ability to shine light into lives filled with so much darkness. My daily goal is to live for the day and not dwell on the little things. I have a very clear understanding of what my purpose is and because of that I may not be placed in a career or position that I thought was meant to be for me. In fact, more than likely I will find myself doing something I never intended to do. The excitement in that is knowing that God has something so much bigger for my life that I can't even begin to grasp at this time. We all have purpose. That statement alone should fill your heart with such a warm feeling because it's a constant reminder that there is something greater, something you can't even begin to imagine. Take that and run with it. Be used and more importantly be open to being used. Embrace the path you are led on knowing you are not walking it alone.

Father's Day is tomorrow. For some of you it will be a difficult day because you may have lost your father or maybe your father was never apart of your life, and in reality it's never easy to be reminded of that pain. Other's will have an awesome day because you will be spending it by your fathers side showing him that you are grateful for what he has done. My hope for all of you is that you can find something to make your day special. Celebrate and remember those no longer here. Find something that makes you smile because you know they would love what you decided to do. If you are someone who is having a difficult time forgiving your father for what he has done attempt to release that. Maybe even take that step of saying even though he hasn't been a father to me I am stronger than anything holding me back from at least acknowledging this day. Last but not least, show thanks to those fathers still around. Show them how much they mean to you and how thankful you are for what they have done because at some point you will wish you had another day to tell them the stuff that truly matters. Most of us, father or not, have some sort of fatherly influence and that person deserves just as much acknowledgement as the person who was your father.

Personally, my love for my father grows by the day as I am reminded more and more of the love he held in his heart. Although he is no longer here I am experiencing a greater appreciation for the way in which he lived his life. I can't even begin to explain how cool that feeling is. That is the reason that tomorrow I will celebrate and be thankful for every single thing about my father, good or bad. I will never stop loving him or living in his shadow. I can't wait to run tomorrow morning in his honor filled with joy and a huge smile on my face. The greatest gift I can give him is to continue living to the best of my ability and keep that smile on my face that everyone seems to love.

Love you pops with all my heart. Happy Fathers Day and thank you for being the greatest father any girl could have! I am who I am today because of you.

God Bless,
Tay

Expectation of Change

I wrote this yesterday and decided to share. Its a little choppy at times but it was on my heart. It came out on paper exactly how I was feeling as I sat at a coffee shop. I watched the snow outside and contemplated life and where I have come from. The journey I have been led on, the path I have chosen to take, and the many other decisions that have come a long with it. My life is what it is because of the choices I have made. We never know the effect choices will have but must have faith in taking that step. Here are my thoughts on the trials, struggles and pain that comes a long side big choices we make...

There is an expectation that comes along with every big change we choose to make in our lives. The expectation is that the life we were living, the choices we were making, or the position we held beforehand will change for the better. That expectation becomes overwhelming causing a person to hold all decisions on a pedestal, with a hope the outcome only benefits the change. Resting a top the pedestal is all the stress and worry being bottled up from each aspect of the change that was made. It begins to weigh on the person and the effects are shown on the heart, mind, and body. Exhaustion takes on a new meaning. It seems as if exhaustion is the only describing word that can be used due to the effort it takes just to find words for the emotions behind it all. The change no longer seems positive, however, underneath those thoughts it is still possible to see a glimmer of trust in the step that was made. Questioning the decision still occurs daily, wondering if it's possible that the choice may have been the wrong one. The feeling of being alone returns even with people all around. Prayers for understanding weigh heavy on the heart, while hoping for an answer. Nothing seems to make the feelings disappear. Previous heartaches return causing a lingering pain affecting each moment in the day. There is a want for happiness and joy to return in hopes it could overpower the pain. As days pass, the feelings are ever so present causing people to worry. The worry is due to the amount they care, yet there is a wish they didn't. For some reason it feels better to be alone. Working out is what is needed, however the task seems too daunting. The Bible becomes the place answers are searched for. Again, the answer could come in any way as long as an understanding takes place. There is a hope for the suffering to end or a form of light to be seen. In the midst of it all it's difficult to see that an end exists. Although an end is not noticeable at the time, faith allows one to believe none of this can last forever. Being stuck in the middle of the path makes it seem as if life will always be surrounded by pain and struggle. Those on the outside are unable to understand, yet all they want is to help. Wishing they could help causes a runaway mentality to surface due to the pain and inability to help. Being alone and staying away seems like it would be best, but in reality it only makes things harder. Realizing the pain being caused to others only makes everything worse. 

In the midst of all of this the main thing to remember is what God has said. Clinging to verses, quotes, and songs to provide some form of hope. "Don't be afraid, I am there, I am walking with you, and will never leave your side", are just some of the things that ring strongly as if He was truly right there. In fact, in that moment it's important to remember that He is there. God is right along side expecting hope to never be lost. Standing strong in faith and being obedient to what He is asking are His expectations. Spending time attempting to hear Him while also being willing to change the way listening is taking place. He is there, so find Him. If it's felt in the heart, follow that feeling and be willing to trust Him in that moment. Let God work how He may. If God chooses to use you, allow Him to do so and know He is right there. God loves you today the same amount He always has, does, and will. Nothing changes His love. To know that is helpful in knowing that He will bring an end to the pain and suffering. Search for Him, be steadfast in prayer, and find joy in waiting. God is teaching, allow Him the ability to teach. Bring light to dark and live by the guideline that every step should bring God glory. God's light can be seen in every aspect of every day to those willing to notice the beauty. Understand that God is always present and always working in a multitude of ways. When all else fails, cling to God and stay strong. He is there. He fully understands the pain but also doesn't want it to exist forever. There is something special taking place that will benefit His Kingdom. When it's painful to look forward or impossible to look ahead, look to the heavens. It's in those moments that eyes should be locked on God and the beauty in which he created. 

Be honest with yourself and what you are feeling. Understand your emotions are real. What you think and feel are important to healing. Healing will occur. God will bring about healing when it fits his timeline. It can be frustrating at times because the timelines we have don't match up with the timeline God has for our lives. We expect good moments to last forever and bad moments to end before they begin. We want what we want for our lives without being willing to wait on what God specifically has designed for our lives. God was patient through the suffering. He had faith through the trials and trusted what the Lord had said to him. He took each step knowing that the path He was being led on had purpose. Somewhere along the way a culture was created that gave an expectation for trials to end quickly without lessons being understood. There is no purpose for people to be patient through trials with the expectation that it will end quickly. So, as days go by and suffering still exists, the pain only deepens. The hope is that as the amount of trials increase, the number of effects decrease. Learning how to handle those effects and still finding joy in the struggle. The place in which joy is found in the struggle is where Gods love will rest, at the forefront of all suffering. 

God Bless,

Tay