Friday, April 23, 2010

It's A Brand New Day

Lately I have been going through a really rough time filled with fear and doubts of multiple things. Part of these feelings have shown up due to the fact that there are two weeks left in the semester and at that time I will have graduated from college. Scary, yes, but I also thought that I was doing well with the transition, but as time went on I realized that fear is inside me without me even wanting it there. I have been second guessing everything I thought I wanted to do, when in reality the career choice of physical therapy is something I am extremely passionate about. A week ago today I received a call from my mom about my dad having a heart attack. At that point I had extreme fear run throughout my body because I was scared of what may happen. I had friends immediately change that fear into faith and the rest of the time that I spent at the hospital was filled with faith. I knew God was making his presence known in the room that overlooked the golf course and beach. That was my sign that God was taking care of my dad by letting him look out into the world and see only the beauty that God created. Things were going well until Saturday night everything took a turn for the worst. I left the hospital that night overwhelmed with he feeling of the unknown. I didn't like the fact that I would be leaving him there and not knowing what could possibly happen. As I walked out of the building I began crying and was unsure what to do. My drive consisted of listening to "How He Loves Us", and at that point I knew that all I could do was trust that my dad would be fine because God was in control of the situation. As soon as I started feeling better about my dad's situation my ankle took a turn for the worst. I was in an extreme pain and wasn't handling it well. I made a few choices this week where I attempted to escape everything that was in me and came to realize that all I was doing was making it worse. Escaping wasn't the answer, God wanted my attention on Him instead of all the other things I thought I needed. Wednesday would be a day that started off really well and ended much worse. Everything was awesome at my internship that day and I had really enjoyed everything about my morning. That afternoon I had a doctor's appointment for my foot and although I knew exactly what was going to happen, I was hoping it would be different. I received a cortisone shot that caused me to be in a ton of pain that night and into Thursday. I was really struggling with the pain and wasn't able to do much about it. Yesterday I was a mess, I went to physical therapy and was unable to really get my mind focused on being there and actually getting something out of it. I was allowing the pain I was feeling to completely alter my ability to let my physical therapist help me. It was somewhat of a useless day because I was unwilling to relax and just perform the exercises I was being asked to do. I went back in to get more treatment today and it ended up being a good morning. When I walked in there I was so exhausted and it was seen on my face. Everyone asked me if I had taken pain medicine before I went in there but I hadn't taken anything. I asked one of the girls if I really looked bad and the words that came out of her mouth were, "you look like you have been defeated". It was at that point that I realized that I had let the enemy win and was no longer showing my faith in God. Things aren't great right now but I know everything will get better and I have faith that God has a plan for everything I have been going through. I have people that are looking out for my well-being and they want to see me get better. It's gonna be a long road and although I thought my recovery would be quicker then it is, that won't be the case. I am going to have to teach my body how to walk again, which isn't going to be easy but it will be worth it. It's going to be hard but all I can do is trust God and believe that I can and will be healed when the time is right. As I left physical therapy today a song by Joshua Radin came on titled Brand New Day. It was the first song that played on my list of songs on my Ipod. The lyrics to the song made me comfortable knowing that no matter what took place the day before, in the morning when you wake up its always a brand new day and the sun will be shining. Life will always work out how God wants it to. It may be a while before I get myself back on the right track but I know that God is with me and He will constantly provide for me. At this point I am able to accept what is taking place and willing to allow my relationship with God to grow in this process. I have realized that once fear sets in it's difficult to see any good in anything that is going on in your life. The overwhelming feeling of fear had taken me away from God and kept me from seeing the things God wanted to show me. I have started to understand why you can't have fear when you are trusting God and have faith in the things He is doing. So for now all I need to do is continue walking and make the right choices along with trusting in God and having faith in His plan. I really appreciate all the people who have continually been there to support me and provide encouragement. This past week has definitely been one of the hardest weeks for me but I don't plan on giving up. I know that when it's right, things will get better but I also know it won't be on my time. I have to trust God and also have to somewhat trust the people he has placed in my life to help me get through my ankle injury. God Bless, Taylor

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