Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Heartfelt Honesty

Usually when I decide to write it's after I have spent a decent amount of time processing what is going through my mind and heart. Once I actually sit down and write I re-read it over and over making sure that I don't sound like I am just stuck in some terrible place while also making sure no one else gets hurt in the process. Tonight may be a different story. My choice to write tonight is because of the millions of emotions I am feeling along with the billions of thoughts rushing my mind. I have been extremely off the last couple days. Not myself at all. I am exhausted. I am not talking about the exhausted that you can just sleep off. This is different. I am emotionally drained. I have had so many up's and downs lately when it comes to my emotions and I have truly done my best to stay positive through it all but I think I have reached that point where it's too much. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and it's not a ride I want to be apart of. All I want is to just be alone but I know thats not whats best for me. I want to talk about what I am feeling but when I try nothing seems to come out. I don't know how to just let people be there for me. I would rather just shut myself off from the world and hope for the best. Maybe this will be good for me to say what's truly on my heart.

Every time I think I have a grasp on what grief is all about I am quickly reminded that I don't. There is never a way of knowing what I will feel each day. Some days its difficult to even get out of bed and put a smile on my face. Those days it takes every ounce of energy to still give to others. But by the end of the day I am able to recognize that giving so much was what I needed. If you had the opportunity to read my post from yesterday you may have noticed some frustration expressed in my writing. To be honest, I didn't notice it until I went back and looked over what I had wrote. However, you can feel tension in my words and those feelings are an internal battle for me. Some people lately are choosing to spend more time questioning me about my choices and life rather then taking the time to ask why those things are important. Yes, I have been spending a lot of time at the gym but that's what I need. It has nothing to do with anyone else, it's what I want and what is best for me right now. I also may want to be alone more often than not, or only want to be around specific people, but all those needs have a purpose. Maybe I just want to put things in my own life above other stuff. It doesn't mean I don't care about people it just means that for once I need to focus on me. Every other person seems to be fine with being selfish every now and then, so why is it such a shock when I choose to do so? What is important in your life may not be what's important in mine but that leaves no one an excuse to judge or criticize my choices. I am over feeling guilty for the things I need at this point in time.

Unfortunately, two and a half years ago the Taylor that all of you knew was ripped away. Since then that person hasn't truly returned. There are definitely areas where I have grown and changed but there is still a huge part of myself missing. Someone very close to me has helped me see that lately. Those who care enough seem to be able to see it. Even people that just recently met me. I had my life all figured out and my dad was supporting me the entire way. He just wanted to see me succeed and I wanted to see myself succeed. Nothing was going to stop me from reaching my goals. I lived each day as if it were my last and never backed down from any challenge. If you told me then that I was a strong person I would have believed you but at this point it is very difficult for me to see anything but weakness. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to find that person I used to be. Of course I have days where I think that same Taylor returns but for some reason it doesn't stick around long. I don't know if people understand how hard I try or how much I care about being a positive influence. I wake up each day doing everything I possibly can to give all I have to every person I come in contact with. If you don't understand what that feels like then you don't understand how exhausting it can be. If I am having an off day it affects EVERYONE. It hurts people, makes them sad, they take it offensive, or they just shut me out because they don't want to deal with it. Knowing how much my attitude affects others is a heavy weight on my shoulders and sometimes it becomes too much.

A few days ago I read a blog that I have followed since my dad passed away. This person also lost a parent and for the most part I am able to feel very connected to their emotions helping me feel less alone on this journey. I wanted to go back and read their past posts of where they were at the point I am right now. Their blog looked identical to mine. They had days of being happy, positive and inspirational followed by days of just being angry. Along with those posts were posts filled with pain and sorrow, posts where they missed their mom so much that they would just curl up in a ball and cry because that was the only thing left to do. Posts feeling so alone that they wondered if the pain would ever disappear or if their life would always be defined by grief. The worst part was although those posts made me feel better about where I am I also was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for feeling as if my emotions are normal for someone dealing with the loss of a person close to them. It's actually very hard for me to admit that reading that blog made it seem like I was allowed to be feeling what I am. Never once have I wanted to accept what comes along with grief. I think accepting grief is one of the worst things you can do. Maybe this is an area I have really screwed up with. Maybe I do need to just accept grief and allow it to define me but not negatively rather in a positive manner. I am not sure what I need to be honest.

I may not know what I need but I do know what I want. I want things to work out in Colorado. I don't want to run away just because I am going through a hard point in this journey. I want to at least give it a year and then decide what I should do at that point. I want to keep influencing people and being the best friend I can possibly be. I want to continue to grow closer to the friends I have made and spend time with all the new people in my life. I want to see lives being changed and for people to make better life choices. I want to be an inspiration to someone in the world that as long as they have faith and hope they have everything they could ever need. I want to make something of my life and move closer towards a career that I am passionate about. I want to reach my goals for myself and continue to exercise towards my fitness goals.

You may read this list and be thinking she sure wants a lot and getting all those things may be asking too much at this point. However, I wont lose hope for a better future. I may not have a ton of hope at this point but the little hope I do have is enough to give me faith in what God has for me. Knowing that He is behind all that takes place in my life and that He can turn anything into something good is what helps me get out of bed in the morning. I miss my dad so much. I will never not miss him. My hope is that I continue to find ways to succeed in life knowing that he would want to see me make something of myself. He always told me that I would do big things and that this world needed more people like me. I want to see that and most of all I want to believe that. He was amazing. I never imagined living without him but sometimes we are forced to deal with situations that we never wanted to deal with. My dad isn't standing next to me but he is with me. I know he wouldn't leave me alone to walk this journey. Some how, some way I will make it through this...

God Bless,

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