Friday, August 2, 2013

Processing Emotions

Life the past 7 months hasn't been easy and yes part of that is because I moved to a new place but it also has to do with just feeling lost. I can honestly admit I have never felt less of a purpose than I do now and with that I have lost most of my drive. That mindset is not like me at all. I honestly do my best each morning to wake up with a positive attitude and take on the day with what ever it may have to offer. I spend most of my days by myself because although I know it's not what I need it's what I want. Knowing it's what I want also shows me that it's probably the worst thing for me a this point. I workout constantly to release emotions. I could live at the gym. If I didn't have a job I probably would. I wake up feeling pain most days but I love it because it proves I'm still alive. It keeps me working towards a goal knowing if I didn't have that I would truly feel as if I had nothing. It's in these moments that I am able to process my life and really take a look at what I am dealing with.

When my dad passed away my family battled to stay a family. We were all lost. The one who kept us all together and defined our family was no longer there to talk, support, and care for each one of us or as a collective group. At that point it fell on my grandmas and even my shoulders at times. It was a lot to bare. I did my best to keep in contact and to force relationship because I knew in my dads eyes family was everything. Knowing that, my grandma moved to California to be close to all of us. I truly believe she had a hope to bring us all even just a little closer and for a short period she did. She knew her time was coming to an end and she wanted her last final impact to be on our family. It was an example of how she always lived her life. However, the day my grandma passed away would be the day my family split ways. Losing my dad also added a bit of a struggle to my relationship with my mom. We were unable to see the others perspective. I tried it just wasn't possible. Communication lessened. Our lives were combined by the sole fact that we lived in the same house. I ultimately wanted us to understand one another but I was fighting too much for something neither of us could give.

As I talked to my mom this morning it all hit me that we are both living very similar lives. She goes to work each day not truly happy with where she works and gives all she has even though it doesn't seem good enough or appreciated. She works out daily, sometimes twice a day hoping to run from all the emotions bottled up inside of her. Working out allows her to escape, even if its only for a short time. She reminded me today that my life was turned upside down on December 23, 2010 the day I lost my dad. Both our lives were. And since then we have both struggled to find ourselves and find a way to keep moving forward. Then we lost my grandma who we were both extremely close to. The words she spoke today rand true in my mind, "you need to give yourself more credit and understand that you will never be able to get pass the loss you have been forced to deal with." I could hear her getting choked up and could feel the pain in her voice. It was in that moment that I realized there is so much more to losing my dad and grandma then I ever wanted to admit. There is a lot I haven't taken the time to process. Is it because I am afraid, yea I am sure that's part of it but I also think I just don't know how to. There is so much I have done wrong in order to heal and I think I am slowly realizing the wound is more fresh then I thought. 

In the same conversation with my mom today she made sure to point out that its not wrong for me to be happy or search to be happy. She said that is what your dad would want of you, it's what he would want for both of us. If I am honest with myself I think I am afraid to be happy. I hide behind what I am feeling not wanting to share anything or show my true colors. Part of me is afraid of people knowing about my life and the choices I have made. The other part of me is so afraid of showing people my weaknesses because I want so bad to be a strong person. Trust me, I know my dad would want me to succeed and show passion in all that I do. He would want me to make something of myself and never give up until I got there. I know he wants to see me succeed and wants me to be happy, truly happy. In my heart I really do know that, it's just some days it's not that easy. The days I wish I could call him or see him make that pain feel so incredibly fresh. I think back to that day and wonder if I have made any progress. A loss that should make me feel stronger seems to only make me feel weaker. Did I run away? Have I been running away for the past 2 years? The one thing I never wanted to do. I don't know maybe I have, maybe I handled everything the completely wrong way. At the time it seemed best.

I am now at a point where I don't know what's next. These times in my life happen every so often where I feel so lost and filled with such little hope. Do I go back to San Diego and trust that life can only get better? Or do I stay where I am and believe that there is something here for me through all these struggles? If I knew the perfect answer life would be much easier but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I am doing my best to put all my trust in God and know that His plan for me is greater than any one I could imagine for myself. I know these days will pass. I also know I will get through this and the darkness will leave allowing light to shine through again. My journey will continue. Where I will be I do not know but wherever it is I know God and my dad will be with me every step of the way.

God Bless,

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