Over the years I have been taught to trust that things happen for a
reason or in better words they happen for a purpose. Sometimes that
purpose is very clear. You are given the ability in that moment to
understand the trial and the meaning it has on your life. However, there
are points in life where the ability to see and think clearly are much
more difficult. Things happening for a reason no longer has meaning.
Suddenly everything you were ever taught is thrown out the window and
you are forced to pick back up at ground zero. Acknowledging that
ground zero is not a fun place to be may take time to notice but once
you do you feel yourself fall a little more. Ground zero is a rough
place to find yourself. It's the reason the twin towers are known as
ground zero after 9/11. Once you reach that point there is nothing left
and you can only restart, trying to rebuild what has been taken from you
but knowing in your heart that nothing can really fill whatever void is
there.
Unfortunately I have found myself in this place often. Don't get me
wrong I know my life is much easier than a lot of people in this world. I
would never try to sit here and tell you that my life couldn't be
worse. I would also never sit here and say that the battles you
personally may be going through are any less extreme then what I deal
with or have had to deal with. Truth is your battle is your battle. No
one can tell you how to get through it. Being at the bottom tends to be
one of the best places to be because you can only go up. The thing that
is scary is when do you actually know you have reached that point? When
do you truly know that you can't fall any further? I personally think
that is a very difficult and terrifying question.
I have watched myself numerous amounts of times fall subject to
negativity and evil thoughts. I have found myself at some of the weakest
points that most wouldn't understand. I have seen my life flash before
my eyes and questioned whether I could actually push through. I have
watched friends fall subject to a multitude of negative habits including
eating disorders, depression, suicidal tendencies, cutting, alcohol,
and drugs. I myself have fell subject to some of those same negative
choices. I have been caught searching for the one thing that could ease
all my pain knowing whole heartedly the choices I was making would only
hurt me more. I have understood the place I was in was not what God
intended for me but didn't feel like I had the ability to dig myself out
of the deep dark hole I was stuck in. For the most part I tend to
realize when I have reached that point. The real question is in that
time, what strength do I have left to find my way out.
Once again I am finding myself falling victim to searching for what one
thing will make me happy. Of course I know in my heart that one thing
just doesn't exist. There is a lot about my life currently that isn't
working out in a way that brings me complete happiness. Something is
missing. But what is it that is missing and how do I fix that...? Am I
in the wrong place? Has my life been one bad decision after another? Am I
missing what my life used to be? Is this just part of the grief
journey? I am truly exhausted. Living right now is just plain
exhausting. Everything feels like it takes so much effort. I over think
and over analyze every single situation. I have pushed people away,
steered clear of asking for help and held in emotions I am feeling. For
what? Because I think it makes me tough...it makes me feel stronger. In
reality I am more weak than anyone in my life is willing to see. I am
just a young girl in search of happiness still wondering why my father
had to be taken from me and why my grandma was taken from me shortly
after. I am just someone wishing I could be with the two people I loved
so dearly. Why do I get so far and then fall so fast?
Every question previously stated leads me back to the beginning of this
post. The answer is no, I am where I am supposed to be. I was meant to
be here and I am thankful for the life I have made and continue to make.
I have a purpose here whether I see it now or not. However, even with
that realization I must also be honest with myself and understand that
even with this move having a purpose, that purpose could also end at any
point. I must be willing to give it a chance here but while also
remembering that me moving here doesn't mean I am stuck here. My move
was a choice with no time limit, whether I think there should be or not.
My year time frame really means nothing. My year time is a humanly made
goal that can only be achieved if it's what God wants for me.
Ultimately His path is the path I choose to take. At this point that
path is unclear. So, I am left here to trust that the answer will be
given to me when the time is right. That day may be soon or it may be
years from now but I am doing the best I can to be patient.
Until that moment arrives, I need to go back to doing the things that
make me happy. The things that release stress and tension from my life. I
need to be spending more time at the gym and eating right. I also need
to work on getting more sleep. I need to find time to be alone with my
thoughts and emotions. Give myself time to write, read and journal so my thoughts are released in a positive manner rather than towards people that don't deserve it. I need to remember what's important to me, my
goals and aspirations for my life. I need to continue my path to be an EMT and focus my time on studying. Some how I need to find that strength
that has always been buried deep inside of me. I need to trust that
having hope always allows you to prevail and never fail. Ultimately, life has to
continue and overcoming trials is something that will never disappear.
For me, this post was a very honest and sincere look into my life. I admitted things that I usually don't enjoy telling the entire world. However, with opening myself up in this manner it forces me to follow through with the things I have listed that I say I need to fix. It holds me accountable as I have been truthful in announcing what makes me a better human being, a happier individual and ultimately a better friend. Because if there is one thing currently that I hate more than anything it's the fact that I feel like I haven't been a good friend to a lot of people that truly deserve my time and energy. So, with that being said this is also a public apology for anyone in my life that feels I have been non existent and I ask that if that is the case call me out on it. I am at a point where I need to be called out because I need to face all of this stuff head on and fix it. I need to stop the bullshit and get my life together. With that being said my final thought is that I can't even begin to imagine how disappointed my father is...
God Bless,
Taylor