Sunday, October 6, 2013

Ground Zero

Over the years I have been taught to trust that things happen for a reason or in better words they happen for a purpose. Sometimes that purpose is very clear. You are given the ability in that moment to understand the trial and the meaning it has on your life. However, there are points in life where the ability to see and think clearly are much more difficult. Things happening for a reason no longer has meaning.  Suddenly everything you were ever taught is thrown out the window and you are forced to pick back up at ground zero. Acknowledging that ground zero is not a fun place to be may take time to notice but once you do you feel yourself fall a little more. Ground zero is a rough place to find yourself. It's the reason the twin towers are known as ground zero after 9/11. Once you reach that point there is nothing left and you can only restart, trying to rebuild what has been taken from you but knowing in your heart that nothing can really fill whatever void is there.

Unfortunately I have found myself in this place often. Don't get me wrong I know my life is much easier than a lot of people in this world. I would never try to sit here and tell you that my life couldn't be worse. I would also never sit here and say that the battles you personally may be going through are any less extreme then what I deal with or have had to deal with. Truth is your battle is your battle. No one can tell you how to get through it. Being at the bottom tends to be one of the best places to be because you can only go up. The thing that is scary is when do you actually know you have reached that point? When do you truly know that you can't fall any further? I personally think that is a very difficult and terrifying question.

I have watched myself numerous amounts of times fall subject to negativity and evil thoughts. I have found myself at some of the weakest points that most wouldn't understand. I have seen my life flash before my eyes and questioned whether I could actually push through. I have watched friends fall subject to a multitude of negative habits including eating disorders, depression, suicidal tendencies, cutting, alcohol, and drugs. I myself have fell subject to some of those same negative choices. I have been caught searching for the one thing that could ease all my pain knowing whole heartedly the choices I was making would only hurt me more. I have understood the place I was in was not what God intended for me but didn't feel like I had the ability to dig myself out of the deep dark hole I was stuck in. For the most part I tend to realize when I have reached that point. The real question is in that time, what strength do I have left to find my way out.

Once again I am finding myself falling victim to searching for what one thing will make me happy. Of course I know in my heart that one thing just doesn't exist. There is a lot about my life currently that isn't working out in a way that brings me complete happiness. Something is missing. But what is it that is missing and how do I fix that...? Am I in the wrong place? Has my life been one bad decision after another? Am I missing what my life used to be? Is this just part of the grief journey? I am truly exhausted. Living right now is just plain exhausting. Everything feels like it takes so much effort. I over think and over analyze every single situation. I have pushed people away, steered clear of asking for help and held in emotions I am feeling. For what? Because I think it makes me makes me feel stronger. In reality I am more weak than anyone in my life is willing to see. I am just a young girl in search of happiness still wondering why my father had to be taken from me and why my grandma was taken from me shortly after. I am just someone wishing I could be with the two people I loved so dearly. Why do I get so far and then fall so fast?

Every question previously stated leads me back to the beginning of this post. The answer is no, I am where I am supposed to be. I was meant to be here and I am thankful for the life I have made and continue to make. I have a purpose here whether I see it now or not. However, even with that realization I must also be honest with myself and understand that even with this move having a purpose, that purpose could also end at any point. I must be willing to give it a chance here but while also remembering that me moving here doesn't mean I am stuck here. My move was a choice with no time limit, whether I think there should be or not. My year time frame really means nothing. My year time is a humanly made goal that can only be achieved if it's what God wants for me. Ultimately His path is the path I choose to take. At this point that path is unclear. So, I am left here to trust that the answer will be given to me when the time is right. That day may be soon or it may be years from now but I am doing the best I can to be patient.

Until that moment arrives, I need to go back to doing the things that make me happy. The things that release stress and tension from my life. I need to be spending more time at the gym and eating right. I also need to work on getting more sleep. I need to find time to be alone with my thoughts and emotions. Give myself time to write, read and journal so my thoughts are released in a positive manner rather than towards people that don't deserve it. I need to remember what's important to me, my goals and aspirations for my life. I need to continue my path to be an EMT and focus my time on studying. Some how I need to find that strength that has always been buried deep inside of me. I need to trust that having hope always allows you to prevail and never fail. Ultimately, life has to continue and overcoming trials is something that will never disappear.

For me, this post was a very honest and sincere look into my life. I admitted things that I usually don't enjoy telling the entire world. However, with opening myself up in this manner it forces me to follow through with the things I have listed that I say I need to fix. It holds me accountable as I have been truthful in announcing what makes me a better human being, a happier individual and ultimately a better friend. Because if there is one thing currently that I hate more than anything it's the fact that I feel like I haven't been a good friend to a lot of people that truly deserve my time and energy. So, with that being said this is also a public apology for anyone in my life that feels I have been non existent and I ask that if that is the case call me out on it. I am at a point where I need to be called out because I need to face all of this stuff head on and fix it. I need to stop the bullshit and get my life together. With that being said my final thought is that I can't even begin to imagine how disappointed my father is...

God Bless,


  1. Your brother would be a good place to start.

    1. Unfortunately that is something that is out of my control. It's a two way road and the outcome was not my choice.