Happiness...what exactly does that mean?

A common theme in my life right now is happiness. Those around me are in search of it, speaking of it, and contemplating every aspect of their lives in order to figure out what has been keeping them from truly being happy. As they each do some serious soul searching, I too, have been thinking a lot about the term happiness. My thoughts have been surrounded around the real meaning behind a word that can honestly have so many meanings to each and every person alive on this earth. The things that make you happy may not be the same for me and vise verse. So, with that being said can we actually help one another define a word that has so many definitions? Can we impact someones life and bring them happiness? Or does our impact on someones life only occur if the other person is willing to look inside themselves and be honest with what their heart is truly feeling? Personally, this journey of understanding, acknowledging, and "searching" for happiness began almost four years ago, the moment my dad was taken from this world. However, what I have come to find is that was a tragic event in my life that brought forth an issue that surfaced long before December 23rd, 2010. I have also come to realize that it is an issue that has been present in the lives of some of my closest friends for years and years.

According to Webster happiness is defined as the state of being happy, the state of well-being and contentment, as well as a pleasurable or satisfying experience. As I read these words and re-read these words I couldn't help but notice some very important details in how this ever so present word is described. First of all it says state of being happy or state of well-being. If you really think about what those words are saying it proves that happiness will not necessarily be an every second, every minute, or even every day feeling. A "state" is defined as a way of living or existing, which means your state of being is actually how you choose to live and exist in this world. As you look at the definition again, happiness is a way of living, it's your ability to be content with the way that your life is. Happiness is a choice, your choice, not anyone in your life but your own decision to accept the outcome of each situation in your life and be willing to use it to make your way of living better rather than worse.

Reading that last paragraph may upset you because if I wasn't sitting here writing it I would probably read that and feel a little bit of anger. It's a paragraph that puts a lot of pressure on each of us as an individual and most of the time humans hate having the blame placed on themselves. However, I want you to take a moment to actually sit there and contemplate a few things...

1. First off, take a second to think about what truly makes you happy, whether it be people, places, stuff, or even entertainment.
2. Next, why do those things bring you happiness?
3. If those things did not exist, would you still be happy with yourself and your life?
4. Are there things in your life that you feel you could not live without or go on living if they were to disappear? 
5. If you answered yes to the previous question, are you thankful for those things or do you take those things for granted?
6. Do you spend your time trying to improve your own life or do you expect others to improve it for you? 
7. Lastly, when you find things that actually make you happy do you make a point to not only keep those things in your life but be grateful that you have found something that improves your life rather than making your life more difficult or more negative?

For the last three to almost four years of my life I have used the death of my father followed by the death of my grandma as an excuse to live the life I have been living. Every time I went through a difficult period of time, felt lost, searched for answers or whatever else you may want to call it, it ultimately would come back to the fact that I lost my father. Not only was this my inner feeling but outwardly it was every ones reaction or response. It was engraved in my head that I had reason to do all the things I was choosing to do because "I lost my father". The issue I have found with that is living my life in that way is absolutely no help to my future. Believing that is the source of my "unhappiness" isn't going to bring my father back. I have never expected people to feel sorry for me because in my heart I know and believe that every single one of us goes through life dealing with our own battles. Yes, some may seem more difficult than other's but the fact is comparing trials is a waste of precious time. Looking at others lives in jealousy is a waste of what God has placed you on this earth to fulfill because all those things that you may have listed above could be taken from you in the blink of an eye. Whether it be people, places, things or whatever else it may look like to you, those things could be ripped from you before you even know it and then what...? I will tell you what happens, you are left there alone trying to search for answers as to why you suddenly feel lost in a world that continues moving at a quick pace around you. It no longer matters who is around you. Those around you can't fix the way that you feel or choose to act. Those people can't replace what is missing in your heart. 

To answer one of the first questions I asked, people CAN NOT make you happy. People CAN influence your state of being by making experiences you have with them pleasurable or exciting. People CAN make your world a better place by loving you and joining in on the journey or path you have been chosen to walk, but people, things, or places CAN NOT be your only source of happiness. Happiness starts with your ability to wake up each morning in a different state of mind. It's your ability to look over all the negatives in your life and enjoy whatever positives may exist even if the only positive is the fact that you are still alive and breathing. People all across the world are fighting for their lives day in and day out. Don't you think that they wish that they could wake up without pain, with the ability to live a "normal" life and free of whatever burden is holding them back from being considered "normal" in a world that is far from it? Every one of us does it. At some time or another each and every one of us has woke up with the mind set of "poor me". The truth is the "poor me" attitude won't make anything better and the more you suffocate your life around that statement the worse off you are going to be. We all have it hard. This world is far from easy to live in and ultimately the state of being happy is something that is missing from so many lives. However, if the kid in a wheel chair, the man gasping for every breathe he can, the person battling a horrendous disease, or the every day American struggling to eat and live, can still find it in them to love and appreciate all aspects or even most aspects of their life, what is stopping you?

I am not perfect and I never once will claim to be. To be honest nothing is ever perfect. I have made a lot of terrible decisions and I have ran to some of the worse things I possibly could. I have treated people poorly and I have woke up for days, weeks, and even months hoping that people would feel sorry for my situation, that people would understand why my life at times has collapsed right before my eyes, and would also excuse the fact that I am still a very lost individual even after almost four years of time passing. The truth is not one of you should feel sorry for the way my life is because my life is my life and no matter how many trials I am forced to go through, each and every one of them has a purpose. The same goes for each of you. The struggles you have been through, the inner battle you deal with, the daily struggle of searching for what makes you happy has made you who you are. If your life had been any different, you would be different, and you may have missed out on certain events and people that have entered your life. Be grateful for the things that are currently in your life. Be grateful for the people in your life because they are in your life for a reason. You may not understand their purpose just yet, but they have purpose. Allow them to be apart of your journey. Allow them to walk beside you and help guide your steps. Don't expect them to make every day perfect but expect them to be there in those moments you really need a friend. That is what true friendship is all about. Every single aspect of your life has purpose but it starts with you being able to see those things and acknowledge the good rather than focusing on the bad. The longer you spend re-living the past whether it be how you treated people, how people treated you, decisions you made, bad choices or any other negative you can think of will ultimately only keep you further from being content with your current life and the possibilities of what your future could entail. 

Take some time to think about your life. Think about the things you are grateful for. If it's people in your life, tell them you are grateful for what they bring to your life because tomorrow they could be gone. Acknowledge the positives in your life. Acknowledge how far you have come from certain situations in your life that brought so much darkness, those situations that you could never see yourself making it through but you have. No matter where you started you have made gains in a positive direction but you can't allow yourself to fall back into how things used to be. The way things used to be is in the past and those things are keeping you from seeing what is right in front of you or even what is to come. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for all the positives and negatives because they have made me the person I am today. I am thankful that I am still alive and able to write or do all the other things that I love to do. I am thankful for all the relationships in my life currently and in the past because they have taught me so much about myself, what I deserve, and what I want. I am thankful for you and that you have taken the time to read my blog. Be grateful. Appreciate your life, all aspects, good or bad. And always remember that giving up is the easy way out and doesn't make any ones life any easier.

God Bless,

Taylor 

Home...

What exactly makes a place home? How do we put a label on an area that is considered "home" with the idea that our place of choosing will always be known as that to each of us? Is home where we spent most of our lives, where we created the most memories, or the place where we went through the most struggles? Does it usually remind you of more good memories than bad or is a mixture of both? My final question on this topic is how do you describe your home, how do you label it, where is home to you and how has home changed you to be the person you are today?

These questions have been running through my mind since I made the decision two months ago to move back to San Diego. For years if you would have asked me what my home was I would have said San Diego and then tried to explain that I grew up in Ramona, which most people have no clue where Ramona is even located. Ramona is where I was raised, it's where I went to school, graduated high school and made a name for myself through Varsity Soccer. Ramona is where my dad practiced Chiropractic for almost twenty years. Most people knew the name Joe Aglio, so you could say my family name had some pretty strong importance to the town. Ramona was a place growing up where everyone pretty much knew everyone. You could say someones name and in some way or another you knew of that person or you knew people they were affiliated with. My group of girls that I grew up with at different stages of my life are still a huge part of my life today and some of them have become even better friends in the recent years and even months. There is something about this town that is easy to come back to...it's very welcoming, but it's also funny to see that things really don't change. Driving through town the other day proved to me that things really did not look much different than before I left. The building of Ramona Chiropractic still has the same sign with my dads name on it even though the office has been closed for over two years now. A few new buildings have been built and a few restaurants have changed but besides that Ramona is still the same Ramona I have always known.

My arrival to San Diego brought a lot of different emotions. Some of them were happy thoughts about the people I would get to see that I had not seen in almost two years, some were anxious feelings of being back in the place that reminded me so much of my past and some of my feelings were sad because of what I left in Colorado. Even with all of those different emotions it felt good to be back and it felt even better to be able to give my mom a hug for the first time since the day I said goodbye. It was immediately clear to me that my time in San Diego was going to be very important in order to move on with my life and be content with making a future for myself wherever that may be. It proved to me that you can have more places than just one that you consider home. San Diego will always be home to me that will never change because San Diego is where my life was rooted and it's the place that has made me the person I am in a lot of ways. However, I view Colorado as home because Colorado was MY home. It wasn't the home or lifestyle that I was forced to live. It wasn't a place that I had to be what my parents wanted me to be or what everyone else wanted me to be. I was able to create my own self without having this persona that I felt like I had to stick to. I found myself in Colorado, not to say that I fully know who I am or what I want but I did find myself. Looking back on my time there I really did go through a lot but again it has shaped me into the person I am right now. The important thing that I need to remind myself is that it did not change who Taylor is. The Taylor that everyone knew in San Diego before I left is still the same person I am but now I am just more comfortable with who that person is.

It's pretty interesting to me that upon arriving to San Diego things just seemed to fall together pretty quickly. All the stress I had in my head about all these different things was put to ease right away. Talking to people, the first thing they say is "you have been home for one week how have you already figured out what your "plan" is for the coming months?", but sometimes thats how life works. We stress so much about all these different things and when we finally release it things fall together. The amount of time that I have had lately to think and just be is insane. I have never felt so much freedom and have never wanted to be alone so much. I have spent countless hours surrounded by the beautiful outdoors that San Diego is so well known for. I find myself visiting places that I have never actually been before. There are moments I get extremely antsy wanting to work and be busy but I have reminded myself time and time again that this is exactly what I need right now. In fact, this is what I have needed for years. I have needed time for myself, time to breathe in what's around me, to take in and open my eyes to the beauty that is all around me. I needed to slow down and pay attention to the little things because those little things have proved to be incredibly important to the big picture. I have had the chance to spend some quality time with people talking about life, love and ultimately the pursuit of happiness. I may not be someone that enjoys free time but I can fully admit that me not starting work immediately has been one of the biggest blessings. It has taught me how important our time is and it has also shown me what I have been doing to myself for the past four to six years of my life. Never giving myself a break, constantly striving to be something more but never allowing my mind or body to rest, and pushing myself past the limits that I was capable of handling, which, has only caused me exhaustion, heartache, and unhappiness.

I have reached a point in my life that I am ready to focus on me. I am ready to get rid of the negativity in my life and work on being that happy girl that is always smiling. The girl I used to be before I unfortunately watched my life come crashing down before my eyes. I can finally sit here and admit to you that losing my father was probably the hardest thing I will ever have to go through in my life and it has altered my life more than I ever was willing to admit or thought it would. It put a mask on the person I was and I watched myself go down a spiraling path of destruction. I ran to the completely wrong things and really had no true care about reaching any goal I once had for myself. With all that being said, I remember a conversation I had with one of my best friends once I moved to Colorado where she told me that the next year would be different for me. She told me "you are going to let loose in Colorado and probably do some things that you look back on and say what was I thinking but it's what you need to do and it's what is going to allow you to move forward with your life". She was exactly right. My life had been so structured and so serious especially after losing my dad that I needed to escape everything I once knew and live a life that I was completely unfamiliar with in order to release everything I was thinking and feeling. Now that those moments have passed I can finally say that I am thankful for the free and less serious or structured lifestyle that I had been living, but I am excited for the change that is ahead. I thank each of you for being apart of this journey and I thank you for all the love and support you have shown. Hopefully you are as excited for what is ahead as I am! :)

God Bless,
Taylor