A Year of Blessings in Disguise

I have found myself constantly thinking and in a state where I am unable to turn my mind off. I have had the time to sit down and look at the events that have taken place while I contemplate the reason behind all of it. The first event that set my year up on a bad note was the loss of my dad in December of 2010, just two days before Christmas. My 2011 would immediately be effected and a positive mindset was turned negative in a heartbeat. It was a year I had been looking forward to, but quickly my mindset would change and I felt more lost then ever. I had no clue how I would make it through the next year, let alone the rest of my life. Although I am still unsure how the rest of my life will be effected by the loss of my dad, I find myself having so much more hope then I once had. Luckily, I had a form of hope from the start. I wasn't angry at God for my loss, rather angry because I thought I could have done more to stop the loss from happening. I was angry at myself and angry that there was nothing I could do to make the situation better. Once again I was in a place where I felt helpless and all I wanted to do was make my family's lives a little easier.

The start of my year included trying to find ways of coping with the loss of my dad. Difficult steps, such as; going to counseling, forcing myself to write and read, spending lonely nights alone crying, and wondering how I would ever find the faith I needed to get through what I was going through. I was lost. I had no clue what was right or wrong and all I could do was question life, question my existent. I felt like if my dad wasn't here then I didn't want to be here. I believed in my heart that I could not find happiness without my dad here. I struggled for months trying to figure out ways to help myself and people around me also tried to do all they could. Unfortunately, nothing was good enough. Nothing was good enough because nothing could bring my dad back and there was nothing that could fill the hole in my heart. So, every night I would write down what I felt and this month will mark the year of when I began writing in a journal. A year later I have almost wrote my 365th entry, all ranging in length and detail. I made it a goal to never miss a day because I knew how important it was to express what I was feeling. My journal has allowed me to release emotions that I have been unable to show to others. A year ago, I had lost the hope to keep walking, so I wrote...but by the grace of God that hope would return.

Faith is a word that I have had the chance to really dig deep into and search for what it means in my own life. I believe that faith can have a lot of different meanings because it holds a special place in each of our lives no matter what trial we are dealing with. Last summer I truly believe that I am able to look back and notice the little things God was doing in my life to prepare me for the process of death. At the time I thought nothing of it, all I knew was I needed to trust that God had a plan for what I was going through. Months later I lost my 2 year old kitten to heart failure, which would end up being only a few months before losing my dad. I would be the one to find her and my heart hurt seeing her lay there. Although it was just an animal, I went through a form of grief and it was a little more difficult then I thought it would be. She held a special place in my heart and more importantly she held a special place in my dads heart. So once again, I would move forward trusting and believing that God had a better plan for her then being with us. In hindsight losing her taught me a lot about life and death. Life continued but life at my house was very different.

A few months later losing my dad would cause me to question the faith I had in a God that was supposed to love me more then anyone or anything. I sat there and wondered why him, how did the one person that meant so much to me and impacted my life in such a dramatic way get ripped away so quickly. I wanted to be able to say goodbye and wanted to know that he was okay. Quickly I remembered everything I had been taught in school and church. I remembered that no matter how ugly things looked that at some point God would bring some form of good from the situation I was stuck in the middle of. I will admit that in the beginning and even at times now, its difficult to believe that. Its difficult to believe that because we are human and we miss that human presence that our loved one provided. But faith allows us to believe that no matter how hard things get and no matter how dark it seems, God will bring me and every other person out of that place. We don't always immediately know why things happen. Sometimes we don't know for years down the road but I truly believe that there is at least ONE good thing that comes from every bad situation. You may call me crazy for believing that but I am able to look back and see the good that has happened in my life through every storm.

I am able to look at my past year and see where I started to where I am now. I can see the areas that I have grown and matured. Days aren't as difficult as they once were. I made huge steps from getting help and receiving counseling to doing something for myself by leaving for the holidays and taking a trip to Colorado. I have met a lot of different people who have also had to deal with the loss of a loved one and have learned different ways of dealing with the process of grief. I have studied the grief process in hopes of one day being able to help someone else in need. I have learned that we can't rely on one person as our support because at any point that person could be gone. I have learned that even on the days where it seems impossible to trust in a loving God, that in reality He is all I really have to believe in. When everything else is ripped away from me, God is the one constant, the one person who will always listen and answer prayers. I have also been taught that my prayers won't always be answered in the timely manner that I want them to be and if it's not Gods will then they may not be answered at all.

The important thing is no matter what I can pray any prayer I want and God will listen. Friends don't always act in the way we want them to or respond the way we want them to. More importantly friends don't always listen and there not always there. In the same way sometimes God doesn't respond the way we wish He would or answer exactly how we thought He would. Faith is believing in something that we may not completely understand and having hope in things we can't always see. Although we may not completely understand Gods plan for our lives, we must trust that in the end He wants to restore our lives and bring us happiness. We are asked to serve him and it may be painful at times but its with a purpose. The purpose may not be for our own life but a life that will be touched in the process, a life that will be changed because we never gave up that hope for a better day. God will restore each of us when the time is right and our lives on Earth won't be the end of our service. Even after our time we will continue to serve but we wont know what that service is until we return to our Savior.

I have faith in a better day. I believe that at some point happiness will return and I will renew the strength to keep moving forward. I have seen the changes in my life in just one short year and know that I will continue to make giant strides forward. Of course, therewill be days where hope is difficult to have and my faith may be shaken but the amazing thing on those days is the grace of God. Even those days when its hard to believe, God will still be there, waiting for me to run back to Him. He is always there, whether you choose to believe that or not. He is in control of every situation in our lives and all He wants is for us to do the best we can to trust in his plan for us. My prayer for all of you is that you also have the chance to see God work in your lives and that you can keep focused on any positive that you might be able to see. Take the time to look closely and you may realize that you have been missing out on something great.

I look forward to this next year. I am not saying that because it's the thing to say at the beginning of each year. I say that because I truly believe that my life will change in some way and whether it's good or bad at the time there will be good that comes from each and every trial I am put through. Trials build character and they force us to look deep inside and make changes in our lives. Make the changes necessary to help yourself grow this year. Attempt to make big strides in your life and the lives around you. Look next to you and pay attention to those people who may need your help. Keep your eyes open to the beauty that surrounds you and more importantly be thankful for each day you are given. Tell people how you feel and don't leave anything unsaid or misunderstood. Those you care about, let them know. If there is something you want to do, do it. Live with no regrets and believe that you are worth something special. Last but not least, live each day as if tomorrow may not happen because we never know when that statement will become reality.

I love you all and I pray that each and every one of you has a blessed year.

God Bless,
Tay

Christmas In Colorado

My trip to Colorado for Christmas was the first trip I have been on since my dads passing. I was nervous before leaving and was very unsure if it was a trip I was supposed to take. Part of me felt like I was running away from the life I was living in San Diego. To some of you that may be a dramatic thought process but I wanted to make sure I was handling the first year in the right manner. I haven't wanted to run away from anything and I was worried that leaving was doing just that.

The day I left was a difficult one but I knew as long as I got on the plane I would make it to Colorado. I worked that morning which helped me get through the day better. As I looked into the backpack I was taking on my trip I found cards from everyone at work. Each person had personally wrote me a Christmas card and the words brought tears to my eyes. It made me feel more prepared for what was ahead knowing that I had so many people that loved and cared about me.

As I landed in Denver I looked out the window to see the start of a blizzard, which would continue through the night and into the next day. I had told Chelsea that I wanted a white Christmas, which is exactly what I got. We were able to go sledding on Thursday and snowboarding on Friday, two things I don't have the chance to do often. Christmas eve was filled with family time and lots of food. Christmas started off bright and early as we opened presents and spent time together. Later that morning we went on a snowy mountain hike, it was beautiful. The rest of the day was spent with Chelsea's extended family.

My trip to Colorado to visit Chelsea and her family ended up being one of the biggest blessings. I was welcomed with open arms by everyone I met and I felt like I was apart of a family. Being apart of a family was something I desperately needed this holiday season. Everyone made me feel so special and the memories I shared with them will stay close in my heart. Colorado is a truly breathtaking place. Chelsea said it best, it's a place that feels like a retreat. Her house was so peaceful and it gave me time to step away from the everyday life of San Diego. I got used to being able to roam around town without being reminded constantly of different memories. I know that remembering moments spent with my dad is important but its not always easy to deal with those on a daily basis. At times it makes me feel as if I am stuck in the past unable to move forward. Spending a few days at Chelsea's house allowed me a little bit of time away from that emotion, time to let that part of my thought process relax.

My trip also reminded me that I have a family in San Diego as well. These people may not be family by blood but they are family nonetheless. I have been incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such incredible people who truly care about my well being. I spent a lot of time thinking through different things and I feel this trip has allowed me to step back and see things I may have been missing along the way. I think one of the biggest realizations that I made during the time I was gone has to do with my dad still being present. I woke up Christmas eve and realized that one of the best compliments I could ever receive is one that I have heard a number of times. The compliment I am speaking of is how similar I am to my dad including qualities and the heart he had. I don't think I have actually been able to accept that as a compliment since he passed away. I don't mean that in a bad way but it was difficult to see that in the midst of everything else that was going on. I also felt it was wrong to accept that when people said that because he is no longer here and was one of a kind in my eyes.

I have finally been able to accept that I can take those things people say and feel honored that I was compared to my father. There is nothing wrong with accepting that compliment, in fact it should remind me that my dad is always present. As long as I am alive my dads passion for life and caring heart has the ability to shine through me. I know that is what he would want out of me. If anyone ever believed in me it was my dad. The last thing he would want is for me to lose sight of my dreams and aspirations, but rather honor him by never giving up and reaching to the stars to achieve greatness. He is still here, he is all around me and when I smile I know that he is smiling right alongside me. Somewhere along the way I forgot or maybe lost sight of the fact that nothing can remove him from my life. He may not be here, which is what I am trying to work through but he is still with me. It's my job to not let his spirit die.

Taking a trip to Colorado where I was surrounded by different scenery was the best choice I have made this year. I feel more prepared for this coming  year and I am looking forward to the new challenges that I will be facing. I feel ready to focus on my future and for the first time in a while I am actually excited for what's ahead. I have reached a point where I am able to see positives through the negatives. I expect there will be difficult days because like it or not I am still going through the process of grief. However, I am learning new ways of dealing with this process and finding news ways of coping. It's a roller coaster and the past week has been a bumpy ride but the good thing is a roller coaster has an end. The climb may block what's ahead and make it difficult to see where it finishes but each time we step foot on a ride we trust that we will make it out alive. Control is let go and we place our trust in something other then ourselves.
 

My trust is placed in Gods hands, knowing that He has a plan for me and that His plan is so much greater then anything I could ever imagine. This weekend, as well as the past week was extremely tough but through it all one thing I do know is my faith grew a tremendous amount. Nights were rough without my dad and I struggled to make it through, but all that matters is I made it. The one thing I have learned this past year reminds me of what I heard in the movie remember me. 

"Enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it."

 We shouldn't take life for granted and we should try to enjoy each day we are given. We can't hold anything back or postpone what we want to do. More importantly we need to make sure the people we care about know, make sure they know how you really feel. Because remember just like that it could end...

God Bless,

Tay

A Year Without You

Life has a weird way of working out. One minute you are standing next to someone telling them how much you love them and then the next minute they are gone. A year ago I got ready for work just like any other day. As my dad made coffee we talked about our plans and the excitement of Christmas being only two days away.  I had my steelers beanie on and I was looking forward to watching the game with him that night. I went through the day as I normally would but the end result was anything but normal. 

That morning I spent with my dad would be the final moments I would ever spend with him. He passed away that morning, making the 23rd of December a day that I will never be able to forget. For some reason grief has a way of making you forget about a lot of things but the events of that day are something that will live on in my mind forever. 

As I traveled on a plane to Colorado it was the first time that I felt close to my dad. I soared through the air starring out the window imagining life in heaven.  For a little over two hours he was all I could think about and I sat there replaying the past year in my head. I know he is always with me. I know he will never leave my side but I still have a problem accepting that is all it will ever be. I can't help but think about that week and think there was more I could have done. If only I would have taken the time to notice things were different. But sadly that is something I can not change. 

Next week will mark the one year of the day we celebrated the amazing life my dad lived. I stood in front of family and friends and spoke of the incredible life he lived. Although I said what was on my heart I still feel there is so much more I could have said. I have re-read what I wrote over and over still wishing I could have done a better job. I mean he deserved that. 

I believe there comes a point in all of our lives where we begin to realize what truly matters. For me it was a shift in perspective and I began contemplating what it means to live each day as if it were our last. My goal for myself  every day is to affect at least one persons life in a positive way and to show them that I truly care about them. Some days are harder then others but right now all I can do is my best. 

For those of you who knew my dad you know he had this way of making people feel special. Every person he came in contact with was important to him. It didn't matter if he knew you for years or just met you, you mattered. I believe that is a quality he would want me to have and wants me to share with anyone I meet. 

I am thankful for the time I had with him because some people never get that. I know it's selfish for me to want more time but I think that's just human nature. We weren't created to deal with loss very well. In fact, I don't think we were prepared for the effects of loss at all. However, knowing there is so much more beyond the life we currently live helps with the pain. I know in my heart no matter how bad it hurts that I will see my dad again. I know that he will greet me with open arms and give me one of his hugs that I have been missing each day I wake up. 

As time continues to pass by the pain at this point only seems to increase. The cut is fully open right now and each time I think it has healed it's reopened with another event or memory from the past. The good news is it won't be like this forever. I know in my heart that I need to get through the new year before life can fall back into place. After next week is over there won't be as many "firsts" as there were the past year. The deep cut should begin to heal and slowly become less painful. There will still be times where the pain is greater then the previous day but as time goes by it won't be as painful when its reopened. I will learn and have learned to adjust to the life I have been forced to live knowing that my dad is always there. 

My year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs but there has also been a lot of good that has happened.   I have seen a lot of different people reach out and be there for me that I never expected would be. I have made some very important steps in a forward direction with an attempt to live as normal as possible. 

Early on I promised myself that I wouldn't allow my dads passing to hold me back from any place that was special to him. I returned back to Yannis Bistro for two amazing dinners, went to Stone Brewery, which was my dads favorite brewery, and also to the place he would take his last breath. Later in the year I celebrated his life by raising money for the American Heart Association and walked in his honor at the Heart Walk. Last week I returned back to my high school for the annual alumni game, which was the last weekend I spent with my dad. 

For me, all of those were big steps. They were moments and memories shared with my dad that were difficult to relive but I feel it's important to live as normal as possible. My dad wants me to be happy and wants me to make big decisions for myself. I finally signed up for classes and will be returning to school this coming January. I also finally did something for myself and I am spending Christmas in Colorado. I am honestly doing my best to continue moving forward in hopes of living a life that is worth something special. 

I thank you all for supporting me this past year. I never thought I could make it without my dad but with the help of everyone around me I am still taking the steps toward being happy again. Nothing can bring back my dad and nothing can take his place but I can still honor him in all that I do. I love my dad with all of my heart and today I miss him the same amount as I always do. There is no way for his passing to not affect me daily with the impact my dad had on my life. I will be happy again I know I will, but today I can't help but think of how different my life is without him here. 

Dad, I miss you so much and love you always and forever. Be with me today, tomorrow, and forever. Until I see you again I know you will always be right by my side. Your daughter I will always be. 

Merry Christmas &

God Bless,

Tay

Dammi Forza

The title of this blog is "dammi forza", which means "give me strength" in Italian. This has been a statement that I have lived by the past few months since I came across it in September. I was trying to find a specific saying that came across strong for the t-shirts I made for the heart walk. I also wanted there to be a lot of meaning behind the words I chose. I come from an Italian family so the Italian language, although I don't know very many words, is important to me. There is something about other languages that make sentences sound much better. This statement speaks volumes to me because everyday I ask God and my dad to give me the strength to make it through the day. I know that I personally do not have the ability to go about my day without the help of a loving God that blesses me with the world around me.

The reason I brought up this saying is because of what took place tonight. I have been dealing with a lot of different injuries for a long time. Currently I have been dealing with back and hip pain, so I will be getting an MRI to determine what is causing all the pain. The past two months or so I have been under a lot of stress and haven't been sleeping well, which is definitely not helping my situation out.  I am praying that everything turns out fine but I am also hoping that the MRI shows why I have pain in that area.

Tonight was the annual Alumni game at my high school and I was forced with the decision to play or stand and watch. I debated all week because I didn't know what to do. I knew that it probably wasn't a smart decision to play but everything inside of me was telling me I should. My dad loved the alumni game. I think he only missed one since I graduated high school. He would come and watch the team whether I played or not and always had comments to make about what we could do better. I mean plain and simple he pretty much judged what we were doing wrong and wasn't afraid to tell us. But we all loved it. He was a presence in the stands that everyone felt whether we saw him or not. He had this way of making all of us laugh even when things didn't turn out the way we had wanted them to. Someone the other day said it perfectly to me, they said "your dad was truly an amazing person and I feel honored to have had him as a friend". I too believe that my dad was an amazing individual and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call him my dad.

As I stepped on the field tonight and laced up my boots for the first time in a year, I had a ton of emotion flow through me. I remembered all the days in high school where he would sit in the cold weather and cheer me on. The days it was pouring and nobody wanted to be there, he would sit there and be proud of what I was accomplishing. If I got hurt or needed someone to cheer me up after the game, he was there. He always gave me strength to push myself to the limits I didn't even know I had. I continued to get dressed not sure if I would be able to play or not but that feeling was still in me that I needed to try. I felt that I owed him that. He loved watching me play soccer and I truly believe that it was those times that he was most proud of the person I was. We shared a passion for a sport that became my life from a very young age.

I began warming up and was surprised that I felt pretty good. I told myself that I would try my best but that if the pain became too much I would pull myself out of the game. I haven't touched a soccer ball since my senior game, which was two Novembers ago and would end up being the last game my dad ever saw me play. I did okay tonight, I didn't play how I used to play soccer but I tried my best. I have raspberries all over my left leg and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow but it was something I had to do. Not only did I have to do it for myself but I had to do it for my dad. It was the one risk that I have taken recently that I will except the consequences. Although I have wounds to show that I played, I also scored a goal that was entirely for my dad. We lost the game but it doesn't even matter because I achieved what I needed to. After scoring my way of honoring him was pointing and looking the sky showing that it was his strength that got me through.

Part way through the game I looked down at my finger and read the letters "J.T.A", it was at that time that I knew he was with me. Tonight was the start of a hard week but I have handled it very well so far. A little tears showed up tonight but that is going to happen. Tears will take place this week and probably more then ever but I will except those tears and know that I am still on my way to moving on. I know in my heart that I have grown a lot and I know that I will continue to grow. I am prepared for whatever takes place in the coming days and I pray that the people who are meant to be by my side will be there. I hope that those people aren't there because they feel they have to but rather want to.

I look forward to getting past the year anniversary and allowing myself to continue to heal. The amount of firsts won't happen as much and I feel the cut won't be as deep as it is right now. I am learning to deal with each situation that is presented and I know that I will only get better at controlling my emotions. I have been so incredibly lucky to have people come along side me and walk with me through all of this. For a while I was scared that everyone had disappeared but a few people have constantly reminded me lately that they are here and will do whatever they can to get me through all of this. For those of you who have been there and know what I am going through, I thank you for understanding and taking the time to listen. My one constant prayer through all of this is that those people who have been there will one day be blessed by God and they too will grow in their faith.

With all that said, my night was complete because I scored a goal for my dad and I know he is proud of me. I am sure me playing made him nervous though! :)

Once again thank you for all the support and the constant thoughts and prayers!

God Bless,
Tay

Thankful Even Through the Pain

Thanksgiving is one day in the year where people feel obligated to express how thankful they are for the things in their life. It's a day that forces us to really stop and think about the events and people in our lives. It's supposed to be a relaxing day consisting of traditions that have either been passed down from family members or the start of new traditions. Spending much needed time with family and friends is something that most of us look forward to, allowing us to forget about the everyday stress of life and just enjoy good company. Of course some of the best things about Thanksgiving is the food we get to enjoy, especially the pumpkin pie.

However this year, the days leading up to Thanksgiving has consisted of constantly thinking and remembering all the incredible memories I had with my dad. He loved Thanksgiving, I think he actually loved it more then any other holiday. He enjoyed spending time with family and friends, the people that he was most thankful for. He used the day to show how much he cared and the only thing that mattered to him was that we were all together in one place. Our family tradition was being together as a family and having as many people show up as possible. He truly cared about the day and if it didn't go as planned he was disappointed in himself.

When you lose someone you never think that the traditions that once occurred would disappear as if they were nothing. But, for me, my family has decided to act as if we never celebrated this day together and are choosing to spend the holiday doing their own things. I found myself in a lonely place, an empty house, and stuck remembering the past only wishing I could return to those days. I wish I could go back to the day where we spent Thanksgiving with close friends and then two days later took a trip to USC to watch Notre Dame. It was so much fun and I remember it like it was yesterday. My dad was so excited that we were all together for the game, and although Notre Dame would end up losing, the trip was well worth it.

This week I have done my best to keep a positive mindset and some minutes seemed much easier then others. I was very quiet at times but it wasn't in a bad way, I was just spending a lot of time reflecting on the past events. I may have been spending too much time thinking about all that but it was my way of dealing with the emotions behind it all. I know that it was hard for people around me because I looked down and out. They wanted to get me out of the place. I had people offering places for me to spend Thanksgiving all week, which you would think would make things easier but in reality it was still incredibly difficult. The only place I really wanted to be was the place my dad was at, because it didn't matter where I was, as long as I was with my family.

Today is month number eleven, and at times I feel like I am no longer moving forward but instead moving backward at a quick rate. I feel like I have no strength to make it through the next two months or so. I have been told by many that this is the hardest time of the grief process and that the one year mark is a difficult period. But, I have also been told that once the year mark passes, things begin to fall into place and you learn to look to the future a little more then before. I hope that some form of light is entered into my path and suddenly things become much more clear. I struggled today to see that light. I could only see dark and I felt non-existent. I haven't felt this way in a very long time and it was hard to deal with. I could tell I was in a panic, overtaken by anxious emotions and feeling lost in the crowd. I found myself standing there starring into space wondering if I would ever regain attention to what was actually taking place. I did my best to work through it because I knew that I couldn't allow myself to succumb to those emotions. It was hard but I worked through the feeling of panic and continued my day. I had the option to go home but felt it was important for me to get through it without running away.

Tomorrow I will spend Thanksgiving with Tim and Julie, which I feel blessed to have had the many offers that I was given for dinner tomorrow. I am thankful for the people in my life who care enough to make sure I am not alone tomorrow. Everything in me wants to be alone. A big part of me wants to sit in the house that we always spent Thanksgiving, whether it's alone or not. However, I know that my dad would not want that. He would be mad at me if I turned down every offer that was given to me just to sit at home alone. He was all about showing love and if it meant going out of your way to do so then that is what he would do. He lived his life to love. I am positive that it is one of the reasons why I am surrounded by so much of it. Anyone that has been apart of my life and knows about the death of my father has done everything in their power to be there for me. People wanted me to spend the day with them, they wanted me to smile through the pain, and all day today people tried there best to get me out of the funk I was in.

Hopefully everyone understands that I wasn't trying to stay in a sad place. I didn't feel like myself at all, which was a feeling I haven't been feeling since I first started this journey. I thought I had moved past the feeling of being in a panic and feeling anxious. The hugs, jokes, and small demonstrations of love definitely helped me make it through today. Tomorrow is going to be another big step. It will be the first Thanksgiving without my dad. I don't expect it to be an easy day but I do promise to attack it with all that I have. I am thankful that I will be surrounded by people that truly care and love me all through the day. We all have something to be thankful for. Although my year has been extremely difficult, I know in my heart that I have so much to be thankful for. I know that I am lucky to have so many people that care about me and want to see me happy. I feel blessed in more ways then one. I may not be with my immediate family but I will be with family that God has given me. He has blessed me with these people to help me through things like this. Ultimately God is the only person that knows what I need and I trust that He will place me in those spots tomorrow surrounded by more love then ever.

I just want to thank each of you for showing me so much love and for allowing me to work through the grief process. Each person in my life has been there at different points and I would not be here today without all that support. Please know that I feel incredibly lucky to have the people I do in my life. Whether it seems like it or not, I am thankful for each one of you. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and remember each and every blessing that you have in your life. Don't take anything for granted and remember to tell those you love that you love them because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

God Bless,
Tay

One Step at a Time

I would be lying if I sat here and told people that I was handling the negatives that seem to be engulfing my life in a proper manner, however, I have not allowed myself to lose sight of a better day. As the holidays approach I am unable to see myself making it through the next two months in the "strong" manner that a lot of people hope to see out of me. With that being said, I do plan on giving it my all and proving my ability to make it through each day that I am so blessed to be apart of. There have been days the past few months that have been difficult to make it through and nights that felt as if they would never end. I have looked in the mirror at times and could only see someone that is falling so quickly with no hope of anything better. I began to doubt any reason to keep trying to move forward and lost all self confidence. I saw myself as someone that would never make it through all of this. I attempted to find a way out of feeling like this by keeping busy, going to church, bible study and even asking for prayers from others, something that has never been easy for me. I made some stupid decisions at times knowing where I was headed but felt unable to get out of it. The word stuck started to take on a new meaning. I continued to pray, I prayed for a better day, a day where I didn't cry the entire drive to work, home or to sleep. I noticed I pushed away help and wasn't willing to open up and tell anyone what I was feeling. For some people, reading this blog may be the first time you hear any of this and for others I may not have told you directly but you probably saw it on my face. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve has been the story of my life lately.

However, even with all that being said, there is a love that surrounds my life that is so much greater then anything else in the entire world. I am incredibly blessed to always know that I have a God that is so much bigger then all things. God has promised me a future, a future that is so much better then anything anyone else has to offer. The only thing He asks is that I keep my eyes fixed on the bigger picture and live my life in His honor. One of the verses that has always stuck out in the bible is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In this verse it is clear that being depressed isn't something that God wants to occur for the rest of my life. There are going to be periods in time that are more difficult then others and I believe that continuing to trust that I will make it through these periods in time is key to my success in the coming months. I have to keep taking steps forward and although I may move backwards at times, I can't allow myself to fall back into a place of no hope. Hope is the one thing that will keep my heart searching for something better.

Luckily, sadness isn't something that has to last forever and we are given the strength to break through the hold that depression attempts to have on our lives. As I sat in a lecture this weekend and listened to Gary Gray speak about how the body functions, a course known as chain reaction, I immediately wanted something more for myself. As time has passed I struggled knowing what to do with my life or what was going to make me happy. I have always known that I would do something that consisted of helping people, I have known that since before high school. But, the years passed and questions filled my mind about what I could see myself doing and if I would be good at those things. I have doubted myself more in the past 10 months then ever before. For some reason, losing my dad caused me to question my existence. His death caused me to wonder if I was even worth it and how I could help anyone else when I couldn't even help myself. My dad believed in my goals, my dreams and a future where I could be anything I wanted to be as long as I put my entire heart into it. He was always amazed at my ability to pursue a goal and never give up no matter what it took to get there. Somewhere on the journey through grief I lost the ability to believe in myself and lost the ability to strive to be better.

As I sat in this conference room, I heard the passion that flowed through his voice as he taught lessons on functional movement. Gary Gray in four hours was able to pull something out of me that had been missing for a very long time. I had not sat there very long before realizing that a physical therapist is what I want to be and I am willing to do what it takes to get there. Gary is an inspiration, not only to me, but to a lot of other people who can only hope to have the impact he has had on the lives of those around him. He has an amazing heart, and continues to strive to reach new goals, always wanting to learn and never willing to give up. Within hours of being at the Catamaran I had a smile on my face knowing that I had a purpose and a future. Gary helped me see that I am incredibly passionate about learning how to help people and that my heart is surrounded around one day being the best physical therapist I can be. The steps won't be easy but they will be worth it. The lives I hope to touch will be well worth the sacrifices that have to be made along the way. A spark was ignited and it made me realize that I want to be so much better then the person I currently am. I want to be able to shine Gods light into the lives of hurting and struggling people through caring for them.

I am meant to be a service to those around me and as I continue to learn I will also learn new ways of helping myself through trials. Even once I make it through this tough time, I know there will be more to come and I know that I will be forced to cling to the only thing I know will get me through...God. This post has more importance then most of my posts have had on my life. The purpose behind writing the words in my heart is to be able to come back and read what I said. I no longer want to question what I am meant to do, or doubt my ability. I know what is in my heart no matter how run down I may feel a week or weeks from now. I want to know that the events of the last few days happened for a reason. Spending the weekend with Chels and Megs in Irvine gave me a chance to refresh. It was a much needed break from life in San Diego and I believe it helped me get on track with where I want to go. As I said before it will be a slow process, but all it takes is one step at a time, one step forward no matter how many I take backward.

So, as I finish to take another step forward in this journey, I am thankful for the good and the bad days because I continue to grow. I was blessed to return home from work tonight to a package that I had been waiting for. In this package was a ring, a ring that I created in honor of my dad that I could always wear. The ring is sterling silver and has a carved out tear drop that signifies not only sad but happy tears in his memory. On the inside of the ring there is an engraving, which says "until we meet again", because the Irish blessing that consists of that saying was a favorite to my father who graduated from Notre Dame. The saying also has meaning to me as well because I can't wait until we meet again and until that day is meant to happen I need to live a life that is worth something. I know that my dad wants so much more for me and it wouldn't make him a very proud father if I took the easy road or chose to sell myself short. With that being said, dad, until we meet again I know that God will hold me in the palm of his hand with your hand also playing a big role. I love you with all my heart, always and forever.

God Bless,
Tay

As Time Goes By...

It's been over a month since I wrote on my page and I wish I could say that a lot has changed but in reality it really hasn't. I have been through a number of very emotional days consisting of moments of happiness, as well as sadness. It's been tough to figure out how to live as normal as possible without allowing my emotions to affect my daily life. There have been days at work where I struggled to focus mentally and allowed myself to collapse. It's difficult at times to separate all that is occurring in my life from my position at work, however, I work in a field that doesn't allow me to hide from those emotions. On those bad days it's very noticeable for everyone around me and it becomes worse because I know I am allowing myself to succumb to all that is taking place. Recently things have occurred that I can't seem to release from my thought process and because of it all aspects of my life have began to spiral downward. On good days work is my safe haven, a place where I can smile and drop my worries at the door. My job is the one thing in my life that gives me purpose and a hope for the future. I truly love what I do on a daily basis no matter how difficult it is at times. I have a great support system and a lot of people who care for me more then I could have ever asked for. It truly is a blessing. 

Another blessing is the bible study that I was invited to about three weeks ago. The group of women that I spend my Tuesday nights with are truly incredible. The fact that I know that I have so many people praying for me is a positive light in the middle of a lot of darkness. It brings a different form of light to my life and helps me strive to be the best person I can be each day. I have noticed the positive influence this group has had on my daily living and my ability to try and see the positive in all that I do. Of course, some days are much worse then others but I continue to pray for a better day.

After I lost my dad I struggled with the ability to focus, felt in a daze at times, and also noticed that working was easier when I kept busy. Life was easier when I kept busy. The past week or so I have been noticing similar issues that I once dealt with as I attempted to return back to "normal" life. At work, I do much better early in the morning and can stay on task easier when it's busy. I have seen a change in my ability to focus for long periods and even feel like at times I am not actually present for certain events. Sleep has been difficult and I never feel very rested. I continue to shut myself out from most people in my life and have been spending a lot of time alone unless at work. I thought about it the other day and I really don't know where I would be without work because I think I would have shut myself out from everything. I also noticed that I no longer share what's really on my mind and have kept a lot of my feelings hidden. I wait until I am alone to fall apart and then feel lost. I am unable to explain this change and at times it's been difficult to deal with. I continue to do the best that I can each and every day. I know that I haven't been dealing with some of life's situations in the proper manner but hopefully over time all of that changes. I know that I need to let people into my life rather then just wearing my emotions on my sleeve but bugging people is still a very difficult thing for me. I just feel like my life will continue to be anything but normal but that doesn't mean that anyone else should deal with that.

I can't stop thinking about the fact that it has almost been a year since I lost my dad. For most this date will mean nothing and they may not even remember the day it occurred. As for me, it's hard to believe that it has been that long and it's even more difficult for me to not think about whats ahead. I wish I knew how the next two months would turn out but I can't know and I won't know until each day happens. Luckily things I felt the need to worry about are things I actually don't need to worry about at all. The people around me are aware and prepared for whatever these months may bring. The fact that I don't have to stress about anything helps so much because each situation will bring it's own issues. I am prepared for whatever may take place and a part of me is looking forward to this chapter being over with. I know that may sound bad to some of you but I feel like getting through the first year is a big step and I can only hope that this next year is better then the last. As these months go by I will no longer have to deal with as many "firsts", and although I still wont fully be prepared for how I handle things, I will at least know that I previously made it through those same days. It's a way for me to look at the next year in a positive manner and gives me the ability to see light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

I love my dad with all my heart and I think about him constantly. I wish he was here more then anything but I know that no matter how much I want that, it won't bring him back. He is with me whether I feel he is or not and that makes me feel a little better going forward. I don't want to lose hope and I will keep praying that each aspect of my life falls back into place. As for the coming weeks, I will give it my best.

Love to all and God bless!

Tay