Friday, April 8, 2011

One day I will be better...I promise...

Tonight I had the pleasure of going to dinner with one of my dads best friends and it was one of the first nights that it truly felt good to reminisce of memories. We spoke of moments that we each had with my dad and it really was nice to laugh about all the amazingly random things that he did. He was always doing something that just made me stand there and shake my head, feeling embarrassed but loving him for who he was. People loved him, they really loved being around him. As I listened to stories it brought me back to the days that we had with him and although I missed them so much, I was able to find happiness in the time I had with him. That feeling has been there at times but it was really with me tonight. I missed him and I wanted him there but I was still able to smile. It felt good, it really did.

I want to be happy for the time I had with him. Everything in me wants to just be happy, knowing that I had more time then some people ever have with their parents. But this is one thing that I will admit I am selfish about...I wanted more time. Twenty two years just wasn't enough and maybe admitting that is something I needed to do. This isn't easy and I am done trying to act or even tell myself that this should be easier. Yes, I absolutely hate the word process. I have heard it daily and that's honestly not a lie...but I do know that it is. I told a friend the other day that I am so sick of hearing about this "process" but really it's all you can call it. It's a battle that I can't just beat in one or two days. A battle I have no control over and the minute I do I understand why I should never think that I do.

I have been so frustrated lately. Frustrated with people and with my life. I have been angry at all the people that don't deserve for me to be angry at them. I have felt lost and confused with how to move on with my life. I have said things that I wish I could take back. I knew there would come a time when I said things that I didn't want to because my emotions got the best of me. I was told that it would happen but I thought I would be different. I was wrong. The real person I was frustrated with was myself. I didn't know what I wanted and I wasn't strong enough to ask for what I knew I needed. I will admit it I was weak, maybe weaker then I have ever been. There were two weeks where I didn't think I could make it and everything in me wanted to just give up.

I am sorry. I am saying it out to the world that I am sorry for how I have been. Things I have said, the way I have acted and the way I have been living my days. Anyone that has had to either see me or hear me, I am sorry. My friends have been awesome and I have had people step up and be there when I never expected it. I need to learn that I can't expect in this situation. People are doing everything they can to help me and at times they don't even know what to do. I have been there. I have been in the spot where I had no clue how to help but I knew I wanted to. There have been a few people that have had to see me more often then others. They have watched me go from extreme joy to extreme depression. I can't really imagine what they are going through. I am thankful for the people I have around me. No matter what I know that if I ever needed someone that I have a number of people that would be there for me in an instant. I am so incredibly lucky to have that. I have hurt people that don't deserve to be hurt and I feel horrible for it. No one that is trying to help deserves that. I am trying, I really am. I hope everyone understands that I am not meaning to be a certain way and if I could I would just be normal all the time. I want it to be back to the old days where every aspect of life was enjoyable and where I could go out and not be thinking constantly. One day it will be like that and one day life will be a little more normal.

Tonight I drove one of my dads favorite roads, which by the way my mom absolutely hated, but he loved it. He always thought it was fun because of how many turns there are and just relaxing because not many people travel it. My mom hates it because of those turns and she always got upset with how my dad would drive. I decided to take Highland Valley home tonight, the road my dad loved. I am not a fan of this road at times, especially being the passenger but I felt the need to drive it. As I was driving this road I felt at peace and it was a peace that I haven't felt recently. I started to think about memories with my dad and it immediately turned into thinking about everyone in my life and my attitude on living right now. From there the thoughts went into what my dad would want of me. My dad would never want me to be sad and hating life. He would want me to live, to live as full as I could. He definitely wouldn't want me to take it out on anyone around me.

I have a few important things that I really need to work on. The first was talking to people close to me about how I felt at this point and what was going through my mind. For the most part I have talked to a lot of the people that needed to be talked to. My next goal is to ask for help more and to go to people when I need someone. I need to stop expecting people to ask me if I am okay and I also need to be honest when they do ask me. Usually I say "everything is fine" or "I am good, don't worry", which is a cover up because I don't want to say what's really going on. People care...they are never going to stop caring, but at times they don't know what I want or need. At those times when I feel like no one cares I need to allow someone to show me they are there. I need to be able to accept the fact that my life is not going well right now and there will be points that I just need a friend. I need to trust in my heart that at those times someone will be there. I need people to be honest with me, as hard as it is for me to hear it, I need to. I can't promise I will react the same way each time but I will do my best to listen and handle it well. I know that in the end all people want is to see me happy and enjoying my life again.

I hope all of you know how thankful I really am for everything that you do for me. Whether it's a daily act of kindness or a once in the blue moon kinda deal. I appreciate all of it no matter how I act at the time. I wanted everyone to know how sorry I am for the last few weeks. They were extremely hard and I didn't see myself ever moving past it. I was wrong...the past few days have been good, and today was a really good day. I had a good day at work today and a good dinner outing with my mom and family friends. I also have been working out more this week and my body is feeling a little more normal then it had been. I am taking it easy but also enjoying it so much I want to exercise constantly. I need to be patient and allow myself the time to heal, ha both mentally and physically. Patience, patience, patience! Obviously a key thing for me is just giving myself time. I need to not rush myself through all this. There is no specific time-line and there is no specific way for me to be dealing with all this. I guess I can honestly say that I will have my own journey through grief. As all these people write that line in their books, I never really thought about how that same line now fits my life. My own journey, my own story, and my own understanding of what the definition of grief means in my own life. That last sentence pretty much means that at the end of all this the definition of grief will only fit my situation. No one I know will ever grieve exactly like me unless God has something to do with it. There is no set way of how people should be, whether books say there are or not. As time goes on the days will be easier and living won't be so hard. I will be okay, I will make it even on those days I feel like I can't.

I hope the days continue to go well and that I continue to make improvements in my life. I won't stop finding new ways of helping myself and at this point I am willing to give most things a try if it's truly what I need. Be patient with me and know that I am sorry that I have been difficult to be around and to help at times. I will continue to work on listening to peoples advice and not allowing my mind to completely change what is being sad. I am blessed to have so many amazing people in my life and I really am thankful for each one of you. I love you all.

Love always,

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