When I write I allow myself to freely open up and let out things that tend to be difficult for me to speak. I am not necessarily afraid to be honest but at times I find it hard to find the words that I need to say when I am sitting right in front of someone. I write to find myself and to learn new things about who I am. A lot of times I write about the conversations I have with people and I share my thoughts after processing what has been said. I enjoy writing but I have also found that at times my words tend to be directed towards people that don't deserve it. I am never purposely attacking people in my blogs but I do know that when my emotions are high and I sit down to write, there is a pretty good chance that what I say could possibly hurt someone else. I need to write because it's an escape for me but I also need to be careful that I am not just writing when I am upset or frustrated with certain situations. Through all of this I have been learning so much lately and I can't say that I would change any of it.
Things have been pretty rough the past week and it was to be expected, but I am thankful for how it played out because of where I am now. I honestly learned a lot about myself. I also learned a lot about this good ol' process that I keep speaking of. It's an ever changing thing and it's constantly catching me off guard. But while it constantly catches me off guard it also is catching the people around me off guard as well. My friends have been amazing. All of them have, even when I have been very difficult to deal with. I am working on finding the balance that is needed to not only help myself but to also help them. I know that at times people have no clue what to do for me or what to say, but every little thing means so much. I know that there has been points where I acted like I didn't appreciate anything and I apologize for that. I know how difficult it is for my friends that are close and I also know how difficult it is for those friends who can't be there every day and don't live near me. Each of you wants what's best for me and each of you are finding so many different ways to show you care. It all means so much to me and I know that I would be in a dark hole without all of you.
I am improving and each one of you continues to help me improve. Your love, support, and constant care is what helps me keep fighting each day. You have all been my strength when I didn't think I had anything to live for. No matter how frustrated I get or how mad, don't ever think that the sacrifices you have each made have ever gone unnoticed. I will do my best to make your lives easier and to voice what I need. I wish I didn't need so much but there are times where just knowing I am loved and cared about means so much. I am finding ways to enjoy myself and being able to workout is definitely helping. It gives me a way to release some of those emotions and to not bottle in so much pain. I love being able to have something that I can do for me, something that gives me time to be alone and not have to worry. I have found that my time at the gym almost causes everything else in my life to pause for a little while, even if it's only for a couple hours. It helps me smile more, which is something everyone wants. I know how much everyone wants to see me happy and hopefully the steps I am taking will continue to improve my life.
I know next weekend will be a little difficult because Easter was something we did as a family. I will miss having my dad here for Easter dinner but I will also make it through with the support of those around me. With my mom by my side we will enjoy the day in his honor. I also know that once this week is over things will calm down for a little while. The big events won't be happening as frequently, which will allow me some time to heal. These are steps that have to be taken and I realized that as much as I want them to pass quickly, they have to occur for me to heal.
I am so thankful for the support I had this week, which came from all over. People really stepped up and helped my mom and I make it through. I felt so much love surrounding me and it was a feeling I needed. I also finished the week off with a good weekend filled with good times with friends and also time with my mom. It's important for me to find time to enjoy my life with my friends but also find time to spend with my family. We are all grieving so differently but we can also help one another so much. I have been very distant from a lot of the people in my family because I just needed time to grieve. Sometimes we just need our own time to figure out our life and figure out how we need to move on. The past couple months have been that way. I feel guilty at times for being so selfish but I know that most of the time they understand. No matter what I still love them and they all mean so much to me. All of you mean a lot to me and I have no problem admitting that I would not be where I am without any of you. Thank you for being there and for giving up so much of your time to be there for me. Thank you for immediately dropping things just to help me or talk to me. I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life and I thank God that I do every night.
With Love,
Tay
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