My favorite show used to be One Tree Hill, which I started watching when I was in high school. Each week I would run to the TV at 8 or 9 o'clock as if my life would end if I missed one episode. In fact if I knew I was going to miss an episode I would record it so I could watch it later or I would watch it online the first day it was available. When I was in high school the show was also representing events that took place in a high school setting. I felt like I could relate to what they were going through as most high school students probably did. The person I thought I related the most to was Peyton. She lived a life of struggle, she kept to herself and pretended to be strong when in reality she was hurting so bad inside. She constantly seemed to be losing someone close to her.
My life has consisted of one difficult time after another, yet I also understand that things could be much worse. No matter how bad my life has been at times there are always worse things that could happen. I have constantly done my best to put everything I possibly could into my friendships and relationships. At times I feel as if I put too much effort into the people in my life and too much time, but I also believe that's the main reason that we are all here. We are here to serve others and give our all to those around us no matter what we are dealing with. Maybe I give too much and exhaust too much effort into people that just don't care. I don't really know how to not care about people, it's just who I am. Because of how I have grown up I also expect that from everyone else. I think I expect too much from people at times, which leaves me to sit here feeling like no one is there.
The purpose of starting this post by talking about Peyton was because of a saying that she said so often that has recently been stuck in my head. The saying she would write on her drawings was, "people always leave". Although her life was made up, she lived her life watching people come in and out of her life. These people would leave for different reasons but it scared her to ever become close to anyone. I have struggled most of my life opening up to people. The idea of trusting people with my inner feelings always scared me so much. I thought that if I let people know what I was really feeling then I would be opening myself up to getting hurt. I spent a lot of years hiding and faking I was this tough person that could get through anything without anyone. Throughout that time I have seen a couple of my closest friends walk out of my life. But, I have also learned a lot from those friendships and relationships. It has made me who I am today whether that is a good thing or not, I do not know.
The past few years just seem like one person after another leaves my life. My close friends in Kansas all went back home and started their new lives, which is completely understandable. The friends I made at SDCC who became almost like family to me also left to go back home or to start different paths. The friends I still have from high school that have always been there don't live close to me. I now lost my dad who was like a best friend to me and at the same time my brother has decided he no longer wants to be apart of my life. I do have some awesome people around me that live in San Diego but everyone still has their own lives.
Tragic events seem to cause people to open their hearts to others for a very short period. If there is one thing that I have learned throughout this process, its the fact that three, four, five months down the road people still need someone there. They still need those people to show concern and to let you know that you are not alone. I know people are there, but I don't have the strength in me to ask for help. The outpouring of support was constant for the first month and as time has gone on people have left. My mom has felt like everyone close to her besides family has disappeared. I have done my best to explain to her that they too need time to heal and time to grieve, but she struggles with the fact that she feels so alone at times. As I explain to her what others are going through I think to myself, "I say all this to you, yet I don't even believe it because I too feel like I am all alone at times". She always says to me that it's great that everyone is able to get back to their lives like nothing happened, while we sit here still hurting over our loss. It's hard for me to say anything back to that because it's so true. Anyone that has lost someone or is struggling with something goes through the exact same thing. In reality, the only one that is there is God, but sometimes it's real hard to feel that He is there. I have learned that people always need others no matter how much they act like they don't. I also now understand that months down the road it's important for friends to still show love and support. When people are grieving they need more support at this time then they did the first month. These are important things for me to learn. Although it's a rough road I am grateful that at some point I will understand what friends are feeling, maybe not completely but at least a little.
I am thankful for the people who are still there. The ones who still call and text me just to see how I am doing. Those small acts of showing concern can sometimes turn my day around. It's nice just to know that people are there and are thinking about me. I know that has a very selfish tone to it, and I apologize for that. I am trying my best to fight this battle without bothering people but I have also realized how impossible that is. There is no way to get through this without support and love, which is two things that I lost so much of when my dad passed away. I am doing everything I can to help myself and at times I don't even think people are aware of everything I really am doing. I am not giving up by any means, in fact I have made some really tough steps forward attempting to make things better for myself. I know that everything I am doing will one day help me more then it is today, but I wish it could show signs of helping right now. I feel like people look at me as if I am just a mess, someone who is just unhappy and depressed. I hate being known as that type of person. Everything in me wants to be happy and I make conscious decisions to be happy, however it's not always that easy. This isn't just a bad day or a bad situation, this is a horrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel as if my whole life is shattered and I am left to pick up the pieces, but I will make something of all those pieces. The pieces will be put back together, slowly yes, but at some point it will happen.
I have faith that there is a reason I am going through this. Each of us has to have faith. We must have faith that we go through certain things for a reason. Nobody enjoys going through pain. I can definitely tell you that I am not glad that I have had to go through any of the pain that I have been faced with, especially not this. But if we don't go through pain then we never gain courage to fight and we also never understand what true joy feels like. It is for these two reasons that we must embrace pain. It's like that quote says that we must use pain as fuel for our journey. The only thing that helps me keep fighting is knowing that behind all this there is something good that will come of it. There is a purpose behind all the pain I am feeling, both emotional and physical.
All I can say is don't give up...whatever it is you are fighting, keep fighting. People always leave...but sometimes...sometimes they come back.
God Bless,
Tay
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