Together We Can Make It Through It

 

There are moments in our lives that we come across people at random points throughout the day who have the ability to help change our lives in even the smallest way. Last night I had a very interesting meeting with a kid at The Living Room coffee shop near SDSU. I was introduced to this coffee shop while attending SDCC and it became a place that I could go when I needed to get something done. For some reason being surrounded by others who are working hard and staying focused helps force you to concentrate on the task at hand. As the rain came pouring down, I decided that I would spend some time at the coffee shop seeing how I had not been there in a very long time. I knew that I had some things that I needed to get done, these things were necessary in helping figure out the future path I plan to choose. I had spent a lovely day alone and I felt that placing myself in a setting that forced me to get stuff done would be the best idea.

As I sat at a table by myself a young kid walked up to me and started asking me questions about my T-shirt. I was wearing an SDCC Soccer shirt, which has the competitors creed from Fellowship of Christian Athletes on the back. It says; "my sweat is an offering to my Master, my soreness is a sacrifice to my Savior". He was so stoked to read the back of my shirt and asked if he could take a picture of what it said. He told me how he loves when shirts have such meaningful quotes on them. He went and got his phone and took a picture of the back of my shirt. As he said thank you he got a glimpse of my tattoo and was again interested in the meaning. I found it to be somewhat funny because he attempted to read what it said obviously some of it is in Latin. He was struggling to pronounce it correctly, I of course helped him and also explained what it meant. Romans 8:28 was also an important verse to him so he began talking to me about my walk with God and wanted to know if I was a fellow believer. I gave him a short explanation as to how I accepted the Lord and once I finished he started to tell me his testimony.

This boy was 19 years old and had spent his life in the foster care system until he was 18 and could legally emancipate himself. His mother was killed and his family was unable to take care of him. It was at that point that he was placed in foster care, and spent the majority of his life. He then began to tell me that as time went on the Lord opened his heart up and showed him what it means to follow God wholeheartedly. It was amazing how passionate he was. He talked a lot about storms and explained to me how the storms in his life never seem to calm down but that he continues to be shown new things. Although he has lived a difficult life he has fully accepted the struggles. This young man already understands that each trial he goes through has a purpose and some of the times it may not be his personal trial but rather someone he is close to. He told me that he has been taught how to stick by peoples side and withstand their trials with them.


The minute he walked up I was a little taken back by the fact that he was starring at the back of my shirt and then asked for a picture. The girl next to me looked at me and just smiled, probably thinking this kid is a little weird. I am not going to lie, I was thinking the same thing. But in the end I am glad that he stopped and talked to me. I am glad that he shared a little about his life and the struggles he has had to go through. It showed me once again that I am not alone. Each and every person goes through their own trials and we all handle them differently. Some people can get through things quickly with a small amount of their life affected, while other people struggle for weeks, months, or even years. There is no exact time frame for when a person should heal from something traumatic. I have some friends that have been through some pretty difficult situations and although time has passed by I know the hurt still exists. I also know that internally there are still things that each of them are holding on to, afraid to share because they feel as if they are not allowed to feel that way.

Trials hit our lives like a giant wave in the middle of a big storm. No matter how much you prepare you can't completely control each situation that happens. I think if we could each remember that then we would have a little more compassion for people struggling. I know that I am the same way. I forget that people hurt for different lengths of time both mentally and physically. I tend to forget that although life has continued the pain is still there. Nothing takes that pain away, not even time. Time may teach you how to move on and continue living but it doesn't take it completely away. Each of us is forced to start over and attempt to pick up where we left off. Sometimes it's a physical healing process where we are unable to participate in the activities we are used to doing. Other times it's a loss of someone special in our lives and we feel as if we can't go on without them. These things happen for different reasons and we may never truly understand those reasons. Difficult events usually force us to stop, slow down, and look around at what is taking place. They allow us time to breathe and to pay attention to what is important. Some of the things that happen force us to be thankful for the life we have been given and to prove that no matter what we are blessed in so many ways.

One thing is for sure I am thankful for a lot of things that have happened since my dad has passed away. My eyes have been opened to so many new things and I was forced to slow down focusing on what was truly important to me. I saw things from people that I never would have taken the time to see. I began to understand emotions of people close to me who had been through something similar. I have seen peoples lives being changed in a positive way and have had a positive effect on a lot of different people. I am using my loss to benefit others and will continue to do my part in helping save lives of those who are suffering from different types of diseases. So...yes there are so many negatives but I think all of you are somewhat aware of what I have lost and the daily struggles I have been forced to deal with. If you don't know I have lost a lot, and my life has been changed forever but that doesn't mean that my life has to end. I still have so much to do and so many years ahead of me to make a difference in at least one life.

Long ago I wrote that my ultimate goal in life was to give someone hope when they felt like they had none, to let them know that no matter what the trial was they would make it through and I would be there every step of the way, anyway I could. Things took a turn and I ended up being the one that needed and still needs hope to move forward. Our lives don't have to be perfect to provide people with the love and support they may need to keep walking. We tend to forget the impact of a simple hello or a smile, which can completely turn someones day around for the better. I don't even know the kid's name that talked to me last night but I know that he understands a little of what I am feeling. I also know that at least one person is praying for me. Remember what is important to you. Take a second to tell someone what they mean to you or to simply let them know you care. Give someone a hug or say hello to someone you don't know. You have the power to change so many lives, we all have the power to change a life and this should be our goal.

God Bless,
Tay Tay

Identity Crisis

For the majority of my life I found my identity through playing soccer. When I was asked who I was, what I liked to do, or what I wanted to do, my answer always consisted of something related to the game of soccer. At one point it was wanting to be recruited and play in college but once that came true I felt like my life had began to revolve around the game. It took a couple serious injuries for me to take a step back and realize that soccer wasn't who I was, it just happened to be something I loved to do and was blessed with the ability to play. However, I never really realized how quickly it could be taken from me. Soccer was a game that challenged me to be better and forced me to learn how to fight through so many different obstacles. I learned a lot throughout the years but I truly believe that the most important thing I was taught was that soccer isn't who I am, nor is it who I will ever be.


As you read this post you may be confused as to why I began this post in the way I did. As I continue to write I hope you have a better understanding of my current thought process. Recently, I have found a want/need to run. Running hasn't been something I have been able to do for a few years, and the times I was able to, I was running in pain. I never understood how people were born to run, that question actually still lingers in the back of my mind. The past few years I saw running as a way to train for soccer, but when it came to running for distance, I absolutely hated it. I found it to be boring. My dad was much different then me, he loved to run. He found running to be relaxing and peaceful. He was the type of person that couldn't listen to music as he ran because he felt that it interrupted the peacefulness of the road. Running was his way of releasing emotion and giving his mind a break. I had these talks with him multiple times and each time I attempted to "run at peace", I would of course over think the entire time. Allowing my mind the rest it needs isn't something I am very good at. For me the minute I stepped on the soccer field, nothing else mattered. It wasn't important what had happened throughout my day because at that point there was a task at hand. Unfortunately that game would be taken from me a number of times, and then before I was ready it would end without me realizing what I had lost. It was at this point that soccer was nothing in my life, other than a piece of history.

Lately, I have started the process of searching for a new identity. I realized that after soccer ended, school ended, and the friends I had become so close with moved back home to continue their lives. As I watched my life dramatically change within months, I was incredibly lost. It was at that point that I started making my family more of a priority. I understood the importance of spending time with the people I cared about. I don't know if I was necessarily finding my identity through them but I was definitely in a place of contentment. Once again my world would be shaken to a completely different level.

As the days and months continue, I realize more and more how important my dad was in my life. He was apart of every single thing that took place in my day and the things he wasn't apart of, he made sure he found a way to be. I have had a lot of very tough moments the past few weeks because without him, my life is so incredibly different. It's not a bad thing that my life is continuing to move forward but I haven't been able to accept that it's going to be like that. Not only is it going to be like that right now but it will be like that forever. Knowing that to be the case, I have been trying to find new things that I can do to bring me closer to my dad. This weekend I felt like I had finally noticed a little bit of peace. As I road my bike down the coast, I felt my dad with me. Then, as I ran for the first time outside, like my dad loved to do, I once again felt him with me. Hopefully those are just two ways that I feel closer to my dad, because one of the hardest things in the grief process is finding stuff that allows you to feel close to the one who is gone.

Unfortunately, as time continues I have to remember that I can't find my identity through exercise or other people, because at any point those things could be taken from me. Although my dad is no longer here, I have to push myself to be better, just as he would be doing. He always told me that I would do something great and that I would touch others lives in some way. He forced me to strive to be better and never wanted me to settle. It's been tough to keep pushing forward and I have noticed that the things I feel I am supposed to do, I run away from. I am afraid to take steps forward because he isn't here. I have had a hard time admitting my fear but it's important for me to be honest with what I am feeling. The truth is I am afraid to allow my life to keep moving forward. I don't want to move forward without him. I want him to be here with me and to be apart of all the good that takes place in my life. I think this is a big step for me to work through and I think that I need to make a big step forward. I need to take a risk. I have some options and even if I am not ready to take a big step, there are a few areas of interest that would only help me down the road. I know if my dad was here I would have already taken those steps. He wouldn't be letting me go back and forth like I have been.

I wish I could stop thinking, and I wish I had the strength to continue living the life that seemed so perfect at the time. I had a plan, I had a goal, I saw my future, and then within seconds it was gone, he was gone. What is it going to take for me to continue moving forward? How do I attempt to pick up and continue living the life that he would have wanted for me? Will my life ever be somewhat normal again? I don't want to live a life of contentment. I want to be great at whatever it is that I do. I want to start learning about things that interest me and become a better person. If I want all these things I need to make a move...I am sorry dad, I know this isn't what you want from me.

God Bless,
Tay

Heart Walk 2011...In Memory of my Pops

On September 17, 2011 I will be participating in the American Heart Association Heart Walk. The walk is in effort to raise money for the American Heart Association in hopes of finding new ways of fighting heart disease and stroke. This event is really important to me because in December of 2010 I lost my father to a heart attack. The heart attack was an unexpected event that took place two days before Christmas. It was on this day that my life would be changed forever.

In 1990 when I was only two years old my father had his first heart attack, he was 40 years old. Unfortunately my dad was all too familiar with this disease because at the age of 16 he lost his father to a heart attack, his dad being only 40 years old. My dad knew of the possibility of dealing with heart disease at a very young age and struggled to live his life without a father. He was the oldest of three other siblings, so my grandma had a handful to deal with. She put her faith in God and knew that the only choice she had was to continue living, not only for herself but also for her children. Her children needed a mother more than they ever had, so for her grieving was something that had to be put on the back burner. Luckily she is an amazingly strong women of God and she was able to rely fully on her faith. My dad struggled and it took a long time for him to realize that the only choice he had was to live his life to the fullest.

After my dads first heart attack he dramatically changed his life. He had always loved exercising but he needed to change his diet. He decided to increase the amount he worked out and trained to run a marathon. My dad ran a number of events around San Diego but his biggest goal would be the day he completed the Rock and Roll Marathon in San Diego. He loved running and found that it allowed him to relax. My mom and dad would go on runs together every weekend and it became something they enjoyed doing together.

Throughout the twenty years that my dad was dealing with heart disease he was in and out of the hospital on numerous occasions. My sophomore year of high school would be the first time that I really understood what was going on with my dad. At the age of two being at the hospital wasn't something I understood, but at the age of fifteen I clearly understood how scary the situation was. As my family and friends waited in the waiting room I remember I was so scared. The doctor came out and told us my dad would have to have open heart surgery. My dads heart had dropped, not from the disease but from the thought of having open heart surgery. He had it in his mind that once he had to have that procedure he would no longer be able to do anything on his own. Open heart surgery was something that scared him to death.

It was at that time that we met Dr. Teirstein at Scripps Green Torrey Pines. He told my dad that he could place stents in the arteries that would act as a balloon and open the artery. I remember how happy my dad was to find someone that had a way of helping him without open heart surgery. He would have five stents placed in multiple arteries but felt so much better. Once again he changed his lifestyle. He changed his entire diet and started researching the best things to eat and not to eat. He had a fire in him that wasn't going to burn out until he did everything in his power to fight this disease. Three years later he would be back in the hospital receiving two more stents. He was now up to seven stents. Once again he researched what else he could do to help keep himself alive. He never stopped searching for new things that he could do.

In April of 2010 my dad would have another heart attack that would leave him in the hospital for a couple days. This time it was the left ventrical that was affected, which is one of the main arteries for blood flow to the heart. The doctor was amazed at my dads ability to constantly fight these blocks and not have more intense heart attacks. He showed my mom and I the picture of my dads heart and how my dads body would build arteries of its own trying to fight the ones that were blocked. Hearing this was truly amazing. I told my mom that God is watching him and that God is with us through this entire process. In November of 2010 the doctor decided to go back in to make sure that the procedure that was down in April was holding up well. They had to do this because my dad didn't have usual side effects, so it was hard to know what was going on. His EKG would be normal, his stress test normal, but as soon as they went in they would come to find out their was a blockage. He would get two more stents, making it 9 total.

About a month later we would lose my dad to a heart attack. We have been told that he more than likely passed away from a blood clot. He had just ran, the thing that he loved to do more than anything, and was on his way home to prepare for Christmas. He was planning on getting all his cards together as they were sitting on the table by his chair. The events of that day are stuck in my mind as if they happened yesterday. I wish with everything I had that I could get rid of those moments but I know it doesn't work like that. We could sit here and try to figure out why a month after his procedure we lost him but all that will do is hold us back from healing. My dad did everything he possibly could to lengthen his life but he wasn't meant to be with us any longer. He taught me what true love is and that is something that nobody can take from me.

Sixty years ago when my grandpa passed away the technology we have now was non-existent. I fully believe that without the AHA and others fighting to find new technology, my dad wouldn't have lived as long as he did. This is the reason that we all need to support AHA and do everything in our power to fight for new technology. You may not have been affected by heart disease just yet, but chances are at some point you will be affected by either a heart attack or stroke. I ask that you join me in my effort to support AHA and to show your love for those who have been affected by heart disease. It would mean the world to me to have people there along side me walking and showing their support. I truly hope that you will have the time to be there on September 17, 2011. Even if you can't donate, I would still love for you to walk with my team.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my dad or wish that he was here. He was my best friend and the most amazing father I could have ever asked for. I was lucky to have 22 years with him and cherish all the memories I have. I know that it's now my duty to show love to anyone I come in contact with just as he did. There is so much of my father in me and I can't let him down. My life goal is to make him proud and to one day be reunited with him, as well as my grandpa.

Personal Page:
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sandiegoca/tayaglio

Team Page:
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sandiegoca/walkersinmemoryofjoeaglio

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you can join me on September 17, 2011.

God Bless,
Tay

A Look Into My Life Verse

As a teenager I began to fully believe in the saying "everything happens for a reason", without realizing the mountains I would be forced to climb as I continued on my journey through life. At the time it felt as if I graduated from high school never having to deal with multiple situations at one time. Life was a little easier then I made it out to be or would have admitted at the time. From that point on I would be placed in a position that caused me to deal with trials of all different kinds. I moved away from home and was excited to get away, start new, and continue to live out my dream of playing college soccer. It was at that point that I began to understand that you couldn't just run away from everything in your life. My two years spent in Kansas were extremely difficult and consisted of various trials. It was the period in my life that began all my injury troubles and would leave me still dealing with them at this point and time. However, I still believed that I went to Kansas for a reason and that some good would come out of it. I knew I was meant to be there at that point because I learned a lot and met a lot of awesome people.

Two years later I found myself doing anything in my power to move back to California and still be able to play soccer. As I stepped foot on the campus of San Diego Christian College I was very unsure of how I would fit in. Everything about the place was foreign and at that time I wasn't willing to open up to what the school had to offer. The first semester consisted of me hating where I was but enjoying soccer and the girls I had met. The only classes I enjoyed were classes that were structured towards my major and the other classes were just boring to me. We had to take Bible courses each semester to graduate and I found myself being kicked out of the only Bible class I had ever taken because I didn't show up. I finished the semester having surgery on a torn meniscus and then my ankle, which had a floating bone that was causing pain. The ankle surgery was performed in January of 09' and from that point on my view on life would be changed forever. 

The saying "everything happens for a reason" took on a completely new meaning to me. The new meaning was found in a verse that would become one of my life verses. It's a verse that I constantly think about and each trial that arises in my life brings me right back to this same verse. The verse that I am speaking of is Romans 8:28.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

The issue with how I viewed this verse was that I attempted to see good in every situation and when I didn't I would wait for the day that I would realize why I was put through such a difficult time. I was so focused on the word "good" and also the words "in all things", when in reality there is so much more to this verse. Romans 8:28 is a verse that is overused at times because of its popularity, but I truly believe that the reason it's so overused is because we are in need of finding the true meaning behind this verse. I recently decided that I wanted to take a deeper look into the verse that has become words of hope in my life. As I studied this verse I realized I was looking at it completely wrong.

Romans 8:28 isn't promising that good will come from every single thing that happens to us but rather a promise that God will find a way to bring good from each situation. We tend to struggle to find our way out of difficult times and become surrounded by the bad rather then searching for the good. I have found that this verse is stating that God takes all things that happen in our lives, the good and the bad, and makes them work together. We may never know why things happen to us or we may find out right away, but the things that do happen have a purpose. Behind all the pain and struggling is another side that we must be willing to see, a side that could possibly alter our life dramatically. If good things are happening to us it's because God is working in our lives but that doesn't mean that He also isn't working through the bad. That is the statement that leads me to believe that a lot of the meaning behind this verse is not that "all things work together for good", but actually that God is working in all situations.

There have been a lot of situations that I never thought I could make it through. I have had times in my life where giving up was all I wanted to do. I felt like crawling in a black hole and hiding from the entire world. But during those times God opened my eyes to so many beautiful things around me. I began to see trials as something completely different. I no longer felt doomed from the start but rather searched for the meaning behind them. I searched to find what God wanted from me and how He wanted to change my life through that specific trial. My life hasn't been any easier since the day I found this verse, if anything it has been much, much harder. But on my wrist reads "Omnia Causa Fiunt", which is Latin for "everything happens for a reason". Unlike a lot of tattoo's it is facing towards me, because it's a reminder every single time I look at it. I am the one that gets to see it every time I look at my wrist, so I wanted to be able to always read it easily. The scene below are clouds that surround a cross with dove's flying through it, which stands for Heaven and the doves are the love that flows through from God.

Lately I think I have forgotten what it means to deal with difficult situations and what it means to hope for a better time. I have been stuck in darkness, hiding my emotions from every single person near me instead of opening up and being honest with how I am feeling. I have not only ran away from those closest to me but I have also shut them out from knowing anything that was going on. There have been times where I felt like I could no longer live and that being with my dad was the only thing that could help. I have been living in fear, fear of showing what is really going on and fear of what everyone else would think if they really knew. The person I have been is not the person I like being. It's a person that scares me, a place that I feel very unstable, and out of control. Luckily, I have had some really good days lately. I have once again taken pride in the work that I am doing and the job I have. I love my job and I truly love what I do. It's nice to feel like I have a purpose and to actually take pride in something.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

 Hebrews 11:1 is the verse that states the actions that must be taken after reading Romans 8:28. Through everything we go through we must have hope for a better day and have the patience to take it day by day. At the time it's difficult to see any good, but to make it through the most difficult situation we must cling to the fact that there will be a better day. Whatever the trial may be, there is a purpose behind it and at some point you may clearly see the reason for the struggle you fought through. It may be a person you meet a long the road, a life you change, something you fight for, a cure, or it could just be a realization into something you have been struggling with. Allow yourself to find the good in the situations that present themselves. Take time to think about what you have been taught through the trial you are dealing with or maybe what you never thought was possible. There is something behind what you are dealing with, so try not to take anything for granted.

God Bless,

Tay

An Interesting Journal Entry

Every once in a while I decide to look over some of my recent journal entries and read what I had to say. By doing this I give myself the opportunity to look at the past and also analyze certain situations I have been through. It helps me see the good things that I notice on a daily basis even during all the bad that is going on. As I was looking over my journal today I decided that I wanted to share an entry that I made a few days ago. I was reading what I wrote and was actually kind of surprised at what I chose to write about on this day.

I wrote this entry on May 4, 2011 and it had been a difficult day for me. I wasn't feeling very good and was just exhausted from everything that has been going on. I started off by saying that I wasn't going to write a lot because of how tired I was. Like I wrote about before, the days I feel that I won't write much I usually have a lot to say.
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May 4, 2011 Journal Entry:

Tonight's entry will be short because I am not feeling very good. Hopefully once I get some rest I will feel a lot better. I am just exhausted and drained, both mentally and physically. At times I feel like I don't even know how to function properly. It's like I am living in another world at times. I just try to smile and laugh as much as possible. Sometimes I wonder how much energy I am actually exerting just to be so happy. It's like I am living a dream or like someone else is living for me. I want to have a good time and I want to be happy. I have forgotten what it feels like to be truly happy. I know everyone else also wants that, and sometimes I think they want it even more then I know.

Life is more enjoyable when you can appreciate what you have instead of hoping for more. There is so much around each of us to be happy about. The good truly does out weigh the bad even when we think it's not possible for that to happen. Each day I am striving to make myself a better person and learn something. There is always something we can learn from each day and every single thing that happens, big or small. I have seen specific instances where God has chosen to slow people down or force them to stop, just to open their eyes to what's around them. I myself have had my eyes and heart opened in order to see what I was missing. God slowed me down enough to notice things that I never would have seen if I continued at a pace that I was living. It's like the saying, "stop and smell the roses", which to me is saying stop and take some time. It's saying to allow yourself the chance to actually live and see the world that is around us. I tend to get so caught up in life and being busy that I forget to slow down and just breathe. There is so much beauty and I don't just mean outside. There is beauty in the people we are around during our day, including the good and bad sides of those people. We can't change who we are but we can do our best to accept one another and accept our faults.

We all have our bad days but those people that truly care will be there and they won't be afraid to tell you what they think you need to hear. It may not always be what we want to hear but it's because they care, they truly care about making you a better person. Without those friends we never change and we never know what we can do to become better people. Each of our goals should be to become the best person we can be and to care for those around us. Somewhere there is someone that cares and everyone needs someone to care about them. If I have learned anything it's that each person in our lives has something special about them, something that we need in our lives. It could be a good thing, such as; a hug, a smile, a joke to laugh about, healing touch, reassurance, and the list could go on. Some people may be in our lives to teach us lessons. These people are meant to show us how not to be or even what we can do to make sure that we don't act like that.

Circumstances in our lives are strange at times but they all have a purpose. They help us grow and teach us lessons. They also allow us the ability to mature in certain areas and realistically become better human beings. The amount of trials I am currently dealing with only causes one response and that is to sit there an say, "is this for real?". I have reached the point where it all seems surreal. I can't imagine more happening but I also can't say I am not expecting something. It may be wrong to admit that but it's the truth, plain and simple. Someday things will get better, maybe not tomorrow but they will. I have all the faith in the world that my life will turn around. I have a strong hope for a good future and hold onto that hope knowing that it will happen. There is no doubt in my mind that happiness, true happiness, will return. For now, all I can do is continue to take each day how it happens. I have began taking each hour how it happens and it seems to be better that way. I have a lot of good things coming up and I am looking forward to all of them.
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I am thankful that I have the ability to see the good that is around me. Yes, some days aren't as easy as others but those days will happen. Today is Mothers Day and I am so blessed to have such an awesome mom. We have our moments where we fight but ultimately I love her with everything I have to offer. She is amazing...simple as that. She continues to amaze me with her ability to fight through all that she is dealing with.

Take a moment to think about all the things you have to be thankful for. You may be going through a lot of tough situations but you still have something to smile about. If life is going well for you don't take it for granted. Appreciate the good and accept the bad as it happens.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 clearly states that God has a plan for each of us. I am very unsure what my plan consists of but I think I have an idea of where I want to go as of now. It's very difficult not having my dad here to push me, he was the one person that always believed in me and wanted me to do something important with my life. He cared about my future and the path I saw myself walking down. Ultimately, he wanted me to be happy and wanted me to pursue a path that would be service to others. Luckily, my goal is to serve, to serve others and provide them with hope. I think I may have found the right path for me as of right now. I don't know what the future holds but I need to start somewhere. Others have taken his place and believe in my ability to make something of my life. I am thankful for those people because I know how easy it would be for me to give up right now, but giving up is not something I can do. We each have a path we are meant to take, and it may not be the path we thought. Trust that at some point your path will be clear and you will walk it with your head held high knowing that you are headed in the right direction. Don't give up on the things you want.

Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing mothers out there!

God Bless,
Tay

Good thoughts, good friends!

When I write I allow myself to freely open up and let out things that tend to be difficult for me to speak. I am not necessarily afraid to be honest but at times I find it hard to find the words that I need to say when I am sitting right in front of someone. I write to find myself and to learn new things about who I am. A lot of times I write about the conversations I have with people and I share my thoughts after processing what has been said. I enjoy writing but I have also found that at times my words tend to be directed towards people that don't deserve it. I am never purposely attacking people in my blogs but I do know that when my emotions are high and I sit down to write, there is a pretty good chance that what I say could possibly hurt someone else. I need to write because it's an escape for me but I also need to be careful that I am not just writing when I am upset or frustrated with certain situations. Through all of this I have been learning so much lately and I can't say that I would change any of it.

Things have been pretty rough the past week and it was to be expected, but I am thankful for how it played out because of where I am now. I honestly learned a lot about myself. I also learned a lot about this good ol' process that I keep speaking of. It's an ever changing thing and it's constantly catching me off guard. But while it constantly catches me off guard it also is catching the people around me off guard as well. My friends have been amazing. All of them have, even when I have been very difficult to deal with. I am working on finding the balance that is needed to not only help myself but to also help them. I know that at times people have no clue what to do for me or what to say, but every little thing means so much. I know that there has been points where I acted like I didn't appreciate anything and I apologize for that. I know how difficult it is for my friends that are close and I also know how difficult it is for those friends who can't be there every day and don't live near me. Each of you wants what's best for me and each of you are finding so many different ways to show you care. It all means so much to me and I know that I would be in a dark hole without all of you.

I am improving and each one of you continues to help me improve. Your love, support, and constant care is what helps me keep fighting each day. You have all been my strength when I didn't think I had anything to live for. No matter how frustrated I get or how mad, don't ever think that the sacrifices you have each made have ever gone unnoticed. I will do my best to make your lives easier and to voice what I need. I wish I didn't need so much but there are times where just knowing I am loved and cared about means so much. I am finding ways to enjoy myself and being able to workout is definitely helping. It gives me a way to release some of those emotions and to not bottle in so much pain. I love being able to have something that I can do for me, something that gives me time to be alone and not have to worry. I have found that my time at the gym almost causes everything else in my life to pause for a little while, even if it's only for a couple hours. It helps me smile more, which is something everyone wants. I know how much everyone wants to see me happy and hopefully the steps I am taking will continue to improve my life.

I know next weekend will be a little difficult because Easter was something we did as a family. I will miss having my dad here for Easter dinner but I will also make it through with the support of those around me. With my mom by my side we will enjoy the day in his honor. I also know that once this week is over things will calm down for a little while. The big events won't be happening as frequently, which will allow me some time to heal. These are steps that have to be taken and I realized that as much as I want them to pass quickly, they have to occur for me to heal.

I am so thankful for the support I had this week, which came from all over. People really stepped up and helped my mom and I make it through. I felt so much love surrounding me and it was a feeling I needed. I also finished the week off with a good weekend filled with good times with friends and also time with my mom. It's important for me to find time to enjoy my life with my friends but also find time to spend with my family. We are all grieving so differently but we can also help one another so much. I have been very distant from a lot of the people in my family because I just needed time to grieve. Sometimes we just need our own time to figure out our life and figure out how we need to move on. The past couple months have been that way. I feel guilty at times for being so selfish but I know that most of the time they understand. No matter what I still love them and they all mean so much to me. All of you mean a lot to me and I have no problem admitting that I would not be where I am without any of you. Thank you for being there and for giving up so much of your time to be there for me. Thank you for immediately dropping things just to help me or talk to me. I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life and I thank God that I do every night.

With Love,
Tay

Happy Birthday Pops

A year ago today my dad turned 60 years old, which means today would have been his 61st birthday. A year ago tomorrow he had a heart attack that would not only change the next year but would change my life and my family's life forever. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was at school and I got a phone call from my mom telling me that she was taking my dad to the hospital. They had plans to go to Julian for the weekend but those plans were immediately put on hold due to his health. I would end up spending the weekend in the hospital with my dad while he had tests done and also a stent placed in the left main artery. I was scared but I also knew that my dad would fight this one just like he fought every other one. I did my best to reassure my mom that there was good to come from the situation. I said God always has something up his sleeve to bring good out of bad. Recently there has been a lot of bad and it's been very difficult to see the good but it's there. My dads last few months after his 60th birthday were filled with so much love. He proved to me in that time why I always knew he would be there. From graduation, to life struggles, to injuries and then surgery, he was always there.

Once again tonight I saw how God takes extremely difficult situations and brings light to them. I had a horrible week, plain and simple. To some it may have seemed self caused, which in a sense it was. I actually learned a lot about panic this week and I was able to control it at times. There were other times where I was unable to control what was going on and I was scared. I never really realized how extreme panic attacks can be. Luckily I had some awesome people around me that were able to calm me down and constantly remind me that I would make it through this week. In fact, today was one of my best days of the entire week. You may find it surprising to hear that but I think I prepared myself for it to be so difficult and had my day planned out pretty well that it made things so much smoother.

This morning I went to the gym and worked out. I haven't been running but I felt that I needed to run for my dad. He loved running and it was something I could do that made me feel closer to him. I ran on the treadmill for one mile and I thought of him the entire time. Today was also my best day of counseling but also my worst. I opened up so much easier today than I usually do. I had a lot to talk about and I felt like I just couldn't stop talking. Usually I struggle to always find things I want to say or feel that I need to say. The hard part of my appointment today was that I had to say bye to my counselor. I had felt like I really began to connect with her so it was very difficult to say goodbye. It was really nice to hear her talk about how much she has seen me grow as a person. It made me realize that in less than four months I have made some pretty big improvements whether others see it or not doesn't matter.

After counseling I got to spend time at my work doing physical therapy. I had a really good visit and made some pretty huge gains with my ankle. It was nice to get my ankle moving and to be able to squat evenly with both legs. My back has been the issue lately so being able to finally switch gears again and spend some time on my ankle was a really awesome feeling. I was doing exercises and couldn't stop smiling because I was actually able to perform stuff that I used to be able to do. I still have to be very smart about weights I use and how much I push myself but it really is nice to be working out again.

I finished out my day at Stone Brewery where I was accompanied by a lot of important people. It started off being Theresa and Ali, then Arturo, Deana, and Arturito. The last two people to show up were my mom and Cheryl. It was important to my mom that we do something fun to celebrate my dads birthday. I was a little overwhelmed with trying to get the whole thing planned but it turned out to be really nice. It was something he would have loved to do.

As hard as this week was for me it was really nice that today went pretty smoothly. I prayed all week that I would make it through this day and that I would smile because of the life he lived. I felt that all I could do was smile today. I felt like he was with me all day. It was a very weird feeling but I honestly never felt alone. I told myself last night that I wanted today to happen how it was meant to happen. I didn't wake up expecting it to be hard, instead I woke up knowing what the day was but knowing my dad would want me to enjoy it in his honor. I will admit that at times this week I was freaking myself out a little too much but I just didn't know what to expect. I wanted to be ready for whatever was going to happen and I felt that I was dealing with everything the best I could. Maybe it didn't seem like the best way but all I can say is I did what I could.

I am doing my best to handle these big events in the only way I know how to. Truth is I really don't know how to deal with them, so I have to just take them how they happen and go with what I am given at the time. It can be frustrating at times when some days seem so good and others seem horrible but I am doing my best to deal with all of it. I learned this week that maybe I prepared too much, I don't really know. I also don't know what not preparing would have done because I feel like I would have been decent the past couple days but a mess today. All I can say is I am trying.

Some of my goals from here on out are to continue to grow as a person and to continue to find new ways of coping with everything. I have found this process to be more then just grieving over my dad and the loss that has occurred in my life. It's a process that I can't even begin to describe because there are so many different aspects. The situations I have had to deal with have made everything that much harder. I have realized that it is time for me to take a step back from things and almost take a step back from life. I need a break and not just a day or two days. I need to go somewhere that actually allows me some time to grieve and to face some of the things that I am not allowing myself to face right now. I am honestly exhausted and just drained with having to constantly think. I need to stop worrying so much about things I can't change and I also need to start focusing on me. I need to trust myself and trust what I feel rather then asking and listening to everyone around me. I can make my own decisions and whatever I feel is best for me is what I need to do.

I am thankful for this week. It taught me a lot about myself, others, and how to deal with different types of situations. Nothing about this week was easy and it still isn't over, but I know that just like today, I will make it through tomorrow. I will be thankful for the fact that my dad isn't spending the weekend after his birthday in the hospital. I will be thankful that he is free of pain and medicine. I am thankful for the ability he had to touch people's lives in so many different ways. He was special to me but it's amazing to hear how special he was to so many others.

Happy Birthday Pops! I love you so incredibly much and miss you more then you or anyone else even knows! I know that you understand what I am going through, not many do but I do know that you are one of them. I wish you were here to give me advice on how to handle all the things I am dealing with, but I know that you will guide me through it all in some way or another. Thank you for being the best dad a girl could want. Sleep well my amazing angel and don't ever stop smiling!

God Bless,
Tay

One day I will be better...I promise...

Tonight I had the pleasure of going to dinner with one of my dads best friends and it was one of the first nights that it truly felt good to reminisce of memories. We spoke of moments that we each had with my dad and it really was nice to laugh about all the amazingly random things that he did. He was always doing something that just made me stand there and shake my head, feeling embarrassed but loving him for who he was. People loved him, they really loved being around him. As I listened to stories it brought me back to the days that we had with him and although I missed them so much, I was able to find happiness in the time I had with him. That feeling has been there at times but it was really with me tonight. I missed him and I wanted him there but I was still able to smile. It felt good, it really did.

I want to be happy for the time I had with him. Everything in me wants to just be happy, knowing that I had more time then some people ever have with their parents. But this is one thing that I will admit I am selfish about...I wanted more time. Twenty two years just wasn't enough and maybe admitting that is something I needed to do. This isn't easy and I am done trying to act or even tell myself that this should be easier. Yes, I absolutely hate the word process. I have heard it daily and that's honestly not a lie...but I do know that it is. I told a friend the other day that I am so sick of hearing about this "process" but really it's all you can call it. It's a battle that I can't just beat in one or two days. A battle I have no control over and the minute I do I understand why I should never think that I do.

I have been so frustrated lately. Frustrated with people and with my life. I have been angry at all the people that don't deserve for me to be angry at them. I have felt lost and confused with how to move on with my life. I have said things that I wish I could take back. I knew there would come a time when I said things that I didn't want to because my emotions got the best of me. I was told that it would happen but I thought I would be different. I was wrong. The real person I was frustrated with was myself. I didn't know what I wanted and I wasn't strong enough to ask for what I knew I needed. I will admit it I was weak, maybe weaker then I have ever been. There were two weeks where I didn't think I could make it and everything in me wanted to just give up.

I am sorry. I am saying it out to the world that I am sorry for how I have been. Things I have said, the way I have acted and the way I have been living my days. Anyone that has had to either see me or hear me, I am sorry. My friends have been awesome and I have had people step up and be there when I never expected it. I need to learn that I can't expect in this situation. People are doing everything they can to help me and at times they don't even know what to do. I have been there. I have been in the spot where I had no clue how to help but I knew I wanted to. There have been a few people that have had to see me more often then others. They have watched me go from extreme joy to extreme depression. I can't really imagine what they are going through. I am thankful for the people I have around me. No matter what I know that if I ever needed someone that I have a number of people that would be there for me in an instant. I am so incredibly lucky to have that. I have hurt people that don't deserve to be hurt and I feel horrible for it. No one that is trying to help deserves that. I am trying, I really am. I hope everyone understands that I am not meaning to be a certain way and if I could I would just be normal all the time. I want it to be back to the old days where every aspect of life was enjoyable and where I could go out and not be thinking constantly. One day it will be like that and one day life will be a little more normal.

Tonight I drove one of my dads favorite roads, which by the way my mom absolutely hated, but he loved it. He always thought it was fun because of how many turns there are and just relaxing because not many people travel it. My mom hates it because of those turns and she always got upset with how my dad would drive. I decided to take Highland Valley home tonight, the road my dad loved. I am not a fan of this road at times, especially being the passenger but I felt the need to drive it. As I was driving this road I felt at peace and it was a peace that I haven't felt recently. I started to think about memories with my dad and it immediately turned into thinking about everyone in my life and my attitude on living right now. From there the thoughts went into what my dad would want of me. My dad would never want me to be sad and hating life. He would want me to live, to live as full as I could. He definitely wouldn't want me to take it out on anyone around me.

I have a few important things that I really need to work on. The first was talking to people close to me about how I felt at this point and what was going through my mind. For the most part I have talked to a lot of the people that needed to be talked to. My next goal is to ask for help more and to go to people when I need someone. I need to stop expecting people to ask me if I am okay and I also need to be honest when they do ask me. Usually I say "everything is fine" or "I am good, don't worry", which is a cover up because I don't want to say what's really going on. People care...they are never going to stop caring, but at times they don't know what I want or need. At those times when I feel like no one cares I need to allow someone to show me they are there. I need to be able to accept the fact that my life is not going well right now and there will be points that I just need a friend. I need to trust in my heart that at those times someone will be there. I need people to be honest with me, as hard as it is for me to hear it, I need to. I can't promise I will react the same way each time but I will do my best to listen and handle it well. I know that in the end all people want is to see me happy and enjoying my life again.

I hope all of you know how thankful I really am for everything that you do for me. Whether it's a daily act of kindness or a once in the blue moon kinda deal. I appreciate all of it no matter how I act at the time. I wanted everyone to know how sorry I am for the last few weeks. They were extremely hard and I didn't see myself ever moving past it. I was wrong...the past few days have been good, and today was a really good day. I had a good day at work today and a good dinner outing with my mom and family friends. I also have been working out more this week and my body is feeling a little more normal then it had been. I am taking it easy but also enjoying it so much I want to exercise constantly. I need to be patient and allow myself the time to heal, ha both mentally and physically. Patience, patience, patience! Obviously a key thing for me is just giving myself time. I need to not rush myself through all this. There is no specific time-line and there is no specific way for me to be dealing with all this. I guess I can honestly say that I will have my own journey through grief. As all these people write that line in their books, I never really thought about how that same line now fits my life. My own journey, my own story, and my own understanding of what the definition of grief means in my own life. That last sentence pretty much means that at the end of all this the definition of grief will only fit my situation. No one I know will ever grieve exactly like me unless God has something to do with it. There is no set way of how people should be, whether books say there are or not. As time goes on the days will be easier and living won't be so hard. I will be okay, I will make it even on those days I feel like I can't.

I hope the days continue to go well and that I continue to make improvements in my life. I won't stop finding new ways of helping myself and at this point I am willing to give most things a try if it's truly what I need. Be patient with me and know that I am sorry that I have been difficult to be around and to help at times. I will continue to work on listening to peoples advice and not allowing my mind to completely change what is being sad. I am blessed to have so many amazing people in my life and I really am thankful for each one of you. I love you all.

Love always,
Tay

People Always Leave

My favorite show used to be One Tree Hill, which I started watching when I was in high school. Each week I would run to the TV at 8 or 9 o'clock as if my life would end if I missed one episode. In fact if I knew I was going to miss an episode I would record it so I could watch it later or I would watch it online the first day it was available. When I was in high school the show was also representing events that took place in a high school setting. I felt like I could relate to what they were going through as most high school students probably did. The person I thought I related the most to was Peyton. She lived a life of struggle, she kept to herself and pretended to be strong when in reality she was hurting so bad inside. She constantly seemed to be losing someone close to her.

My life has consisted of one difficult time after another, yet I also understand that things could be much worse. No matter how bad my life has been at times there are always worse things that could happen. I have constantly done my best to put everything I possibly could into my friendships and relationships. At times I feel as if I put too much effort into the people in my life and too much time, but I also believe that's the main reason that we are all here. We are here to serve others and give our all to those around us no matter what we are dealing with. Maybe I give too much and exhaust too much effort into people that just don't care. I don't really know how to not care about people, it's just who I am. Because of how I have grown up I also expect that from everyone else. I think I expect too much from people at times, which leaves me to sit here feeling like no one is there.

The purpose of starting this post by talking about Peyton was because of a saying that she said so often that has recently been stuck in my head. The saying she would write on her drawings was, "people always leave". Although her life was made up, she lived her life watching people come in and out of her life. These people would leave for different reasons but it scared her to ever become close to anyone. I have struggled most of my life opening up to people. The idea of trusting people with my inner feelings always scared me so much. I thought that if I let people know what I was really feeling then I would be opening myself up to getting hurt. I spent a lot of years hiding and faking I was this tough person that could get through anything without anyone. Throughout that time I have seen a couple of my closest friends walk out of my life. But, I have also learned a lot from those friendships and relationships. It has made me who I am today whether that is a good thing or not, I do not know.

The past few years just seem like one person after another leaves my life. My close friends in Kansas all went back home and started their new lives, which is completely understandable. The friends I made at SDCC who became almost like family to me also left to go back home or to start different paths. The friends I still have from high school that have always been there don't live close to me. I now lost my dad who was like a best friend to me and at the same time my brother has decided he no longer wants to be apart of my life. I do have some awesome people around me that live in San Diego but everyone still has their own lives.

Tragic events seem to cause people to open their hearts to others for a very short period. If there is one thing that I have learned throughout this process, its the fact that three, four, five months down the road people still need someone there. They still need those people to show concern and to let you know that you are not alone. I know people are there, but I don't have the strength in me to ask for help. The outpouring of support was constant for the first month and as time has gone on people have left. My mom has felt like everyone close to her besides family has disappeared. I have done my best to explain to her that they too need time to heal and time to grieve, but she struggles with the fact that she feels so alone at times. As I explain to her what others are going through I think to myself, "I say all this to you, yet I don't even believe it because I too feel like I am all alone at times". She always says to me that it's great that everyone is able to get back to their lives like nothing happened, while we sit here still hurting over our loss. It's hard for me to say anything back to that because it's so true. Anyone that has lost someone or is struggling with something goes through the exact same thing. In reality, the only one that is there is God, but sometimes it's real hard to feel that He is there. I have learned that people always need others no matter how much they act like they don't. I also now understand that months down the road it's important for friends to still show love and support. When people are grieving they need more support at this time then they did the first month. These are important things for me to learn. Although it's a rough road I am grateful that at some point I will understand what friends are feeling, maybe not completely but at least a little.

I am thankful for the people who are still there. The ones who still call and text me just to see how I am doing. Those small acts of showing concern can sometimes turn my day around. It's nice just to know that people are there and are thinking about me. I know that has a very selfish tone to it, and I apologize for that. I am trying my best to fight this battle without bothering people but I have also realized how impossible that is. There is no way to get through this without support and love, which is two things that I lost so much of when my dad passed away. I am doing everything I can to help myself and at times I don't even think people are aware of everything I really am doing. I am not giving up by any means, in fact I have made some really tough steps forward attempting to make things better for myself. I know that everything I am doing will one day help me more then it is today, but I wish it could show signs of helping right now. I feel like people look at me as if I am just a mess, someone who is just unhappy and depressed. I hate being known as that type of person. Everything in me wants to be happy and I make conscious decisions to be happy, however it's not always that easy. This isn't just a bad day or a bad situation, this is a horrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel as if my whole life is shattered and I am left to pick up the pieces, but I will make something of all those pieces. The pieces will be put back together, slowly yes, but at some point it will happen.

I have faith that there is a reason I am going through this. Each of us has to have faith. We must have faith that we go through certain things for a reason. Nobody enjoys going through pain. I can definitely tell you that I am not glad that I have had to go through any of the pain that I have been faced with, especially not this. But if we don't go through pain then we never gain courage to fight and we also never understand what true joy feels like. It is for these two reasons that we must embrace pain. It's like that quote says that we must use pain as fuel for our journey. The only thing that helps me keep fighting is knowing that behind all this there is something good that will come of it. There is a purpose behind all the pain I am feeling, both emotional and physical.

All I can say is don't give up...whatever it is you are fighting, keep fighting. People always leave...but sometimes...sometimes they come back.

God Bless,
Tay