Too many hard days in a row...

Why do some days seem so incredibly hard? Why have the past two weeks been so difficult for me to get through?

I am stuck in a different place in my journey through grief...a place that I am not familiar with at all. I am in a place where I feel so down and out that I see no end in sight. I am not comfortable in the spot I am in, actually I am very scared. I don't feel like I have any control of my emotions right now and causing me to wish I could just sleep the days away. I am not content in feeling this way by any means. I know that most people would say that it's possible to escape these feelings. I myself have been one of those people. I always told myself that anytime I was feeling down about something that I was allowing myself to sit in that emotion. The problem this time is that I can escape those emotions for a little before they are there again. I can't seem to enjoy anything about life and nothing is helping. On top of all that I feel more alone then I ever have.

I know that talking about what I am feeling is important, which I can admit I haven't been doing very well with that. In the beginning of all this I was doing a good job of expressing myself and then at some point along the way I lost that. Suddenly, talking was the one thing I didn't want to do and still don't want to do. As much as I don't want people to ask me questions, deep down I do want them to because I just want to know people care. I am at a very selfish point in all this where all I want is for people to care. I want to know that I am loved and needed. I feel so unimportant and helpless. Loneliness now has a new meaning in my life. Being depressed no longer means what I once thought it meant.

At this point I can't look at a picture of my dad without it bringing tears to my eyes, or even think about all the good memories I had with him. I can't seem to find joy in anything that I do. Every day I wish my dad was here. I wish he was here to give me a hug and to tell me that everything will be okay. My dad was my best friend...he was there for me no matter what. He would have given up anything to be there for me. I knew the day would come where he would pass but I wasn't expecting it this soon. I wasn't prepared at all. I am stuck in a really bad place and wish I knew how to get out of it. I know that my dad wouldn't want me to feel like this but all I want is to be with the one person that has never turned his back on me.

I guess this is just a time that I have to be willing to accept because it's part of healing. It's a piece to this puzzle that I feel like I will never finish. All I can do is take each day how it happens. I have done a good job accepting my feelings. I believe that's one area that I have become better at. I no longer have reasons as to why I feel the way I do. Most days nothing triggers anything, I just miss my dad. I have realized that triggers don't always have to occur, that some days are just going to suck. Grieving sucks. There is nothing about this process that is fun. Yes, it's interesting and I continue to search for new ways to understand all this but it's still not something I would wish upon anyone.

I have been trying my best to live a normal life lately, but no matter how much I try, it just doesn't seem to happen. I have to allow this period to pass on it's own. It's honestly something I have no control over. Tough weeks are going to occur, and certain things are going to come up that cause my life to be a little more difficult. Memories, holidays, pictures, places, and people are all going to cause me to lose control at different times. These moments can happen in a split second and give no warning. Before all this I would have never understood any of this and probably been very confused with how someone was acting. It's something you just can't understand if you haven't been through it. It's also something you can't understand if you aren't willing to, but who wants to if they don't have to.

I have found it to be harder to find people that will truly listen lately. It's getting further and further from that day, which means most people probably don't even think about what has happened very often. Remembering loved ones isn't a bad thing though because it's an awesome feeling to know that I had a dad that is worth missing. It's actually proven to me how awesome my dad was. You don't realize the impact people have on your lives until they are no longer there. It is sad that it has to be that way because I do regret not telling my dad that more while he was here. I know that he knows how much I care about him though.

I have been putting off writing in here lately because I was afraid to say how I was really feeling. Talking to people has been few and far between for that very same reason. I am not one that likes showing this side of me. It's a side that is way too vulnerable and I feel like it opens myself up to more pain. But, in reality, it's actually what I need. I need to share my story and open up. I have had terrible headaches lately and I think it's because of how much I am bottling up. I have been forcing myself to write a lot more in my journal and knew that it was time to also share in my blog.

I can't do this alone. As much as I want to, I just can't. If I continue to try to it's not going to turn out well. I have made a few bad decisions lately but have realized the areas I need to work on. I am making some changes in my life especially while things are so difficult. At this point in time I need to be careful because I am not strong enough to handle every situation. Yup, I am admitting that I am not the strong person I always try to be. I am incredibly weak, weaker then I have ever been. I am trying to cope the only way I know how, and I may not be doing a great job at this time but things will change.

"All those who have held special places in our lives and hearts, are always with us, always near, and I find the tears, sudden longing, or that quiet ache, are gentle reminders that this is true"

God Bless,
Tay

An Interesting Journal Entry

Every once in a while I decide to look over some of my recent journal entries and read what I had to say. By doing this I give myself the opportunity to look at the past and also analyze certain situations I have been through. It helps me see the good things that I notice on a daily basis even during all the bad that is going on. As I was looking over my journal today I decided that I wanted to share an entry that I made a few days ago. I was reading what I wrote and was actually kind of surprised at what I chose to write about on this day.

I wrote this entry on May 4, 2011 and it had been a difficult day for me. I wasn't feeling very good and was just exhausted from everything that has been going on. I started off by saying that I wasn't going to write a lot because of how tired I was. Like I wrote about before, the days I feel that I won't write much I usually have a lot to say.
**************************
May 4, 2011 Journal Entry:

Tonight's entry will be short because I am not feeling very good. Hopefully once I get some rest I will feel a lot better. I am just exhausted and drained, both mentally and physically. At times I feel like I don't even know how to function properly. It's like I am living in another world at times. I just try to smile and laugh as much as possible. Sometimes I wonder how much energy I am actually exerting just to be so happy. It's like I am living a dream or like someone else is living for me. I want to have a good time and I want to be happy. I have forgotten what it feels like to be truly happy. I know everyone else also wants that, and sometimes I think they want it even more then I know.

Life is more enjoyable when you can appreciate what you have instead of hoping for more. There is so much around each of us to be happy about. The good truly does out weigh the bad even when we think it's not possible for that to happen. Each day I am striving to make myself a better person and learn something. There is always something we can learn from each day and every single thing that happens, big or small. I have seen specific instances where God has chosen to slow people down or force them to stop, just to open their eyes to what's around them. I myself have had my eyes and heart opened in order to see what I was missing. God slowed me down enough to notice things that I never would have seen if I continued at a pace that I was living. It's like the saying, "stop and smell the roses", which to me is saying stop and take some time. It's saying to allow yourself the chance to actually live and see the world that is around us. I tend to get so caught up in life and being busy that I forget to slow down and just breathe. There is so much beauty and I don't just mean outside. There is beauty in the people we are around during our day, including the good and bad sides of those people. We can't change who we are but we can do our best to accept one another and accept our faults.

We all have our bad days but those people that truly care will be there and they won't be afraid to tell you what they think you need to hear. It may not always be what we want to hear but it's because they care, they truly care about making you a better person. Without those friends we never change and we never know what we can do to become better people. Each of our goals should be to become the best person we can be and to care for those around us. Somewhere there is someone that cares and everyone needs someone to care about them. If I have learned anything it's that each person in our lives has something special about them, something that we need in our lives. It could be a good thing, such as; a hug, a smile, a joke to laugh about, healing touch, reassurance, and the list could go on. Some people may be in our lives to teach us lessons. These people are meant to show us how not to be or even what we can do to make sure that we don't act like that.

Circumstances in our lives are strange at times but they all have a purpose. They help us grow and teach us lessons. They also allow us the ability to mature in certain areas and realistically become better human beings. The amount of trials I am currently dealing with only causes one response and that is to sit there an say, "is this for real?". I have reached the point where it all seems surreal. I can't imagine more happening but I also can't say I am not expecting something. It may be wrong to admit that but it's the truth, plain and simple. Someday things will get better, maybe not tomorrow but they will. I have all the faith in the world that my life will turn around. I have a strong hope for a good future and hold onto that hope knowing that it will happen. There is no doubt in my mind that happiness, true happiness, will return. For now, all I can do is continue to take each day how it happens. I have began taking each hour how it happens and it seems to be better that way. I have a lot of good things coming up and I am looking forward to all of them.
********************************
I am thankful that I have the ability to see the good that is around me. Yes, some days aren't as easy as others but those days will happen. Today is Mothers Day and I am so blessed to have such an awesome mom. We have our moments where we fight but ultimately I love her with everything I have to offer. She is amazing...simple as that. She continues to amaze me with her ability to fight through all that she is dealing with.

Take a moment to think about all the things you have to be thankful for. You may be going through a lot of tough situations but you still have something to smile about. If life is going well for you don't take it for granted. Appreciate the good and accept the bad as it happens.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 clearly states that God has a plan for each of us. I am very unsure what my plan consists of but I think I have an idea of where I want to go as of now. It's very difficult not having my dad here to push me, he was the one person that always believed in me and wanted me to do something important with my life. He cared about my future and the path I saw myself walking down. Ultimately, he wanted me to be happy and wanted me to pursue a path that would be service to others. Luckily, my goal is to serve, to serve others and provide them with hope. I think I may have found the right path for me as of right now. I don't know what the future holds but I need to start somewhere. Others have taken his place and believe in my ability to make something of my life. I am thankful for those people because I know how easy it would be for me to give up right now, but giving up is not something I can do. We each have a path we are meant to take, and it may not be the path we thought. Trust that at some point your path will be clear and you will walk it with your head held high knowing that you are headed in the right direction. Don't give up on the things you want.

Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing mothers out there!

God Bless,
Tay

Favorite Restaurant, Wine, & Dessert

It's been a while since I took the time to sit down and write, but I also haven't felt the need. The last few days I have noticed that my will to write just hasn't been there. My journal entries have been short, uneventful, and difficult to write. As I get ready for bed I look at writing as just another thing I have to do, instead of wanting to describe everything about my day. On January 24th I decided to begin writing in a nightly journal, which was meant to explain my days, including all the ups and all the downs. I promised myself that same night that I would not miss a journal entry no matter how much I did not want to write. It has now been three months and I have not missed one journal entry. It has become part of my nightly ritual and at times it's the one thing that calms me down before falling asleep. I have found that nights I don't feel like writing, or nights I look at writing as a task, I have so much to say. It proves to me the importance of keeping a journal and of making it a priority in my life.

It is for that reason that I must remember to also write in my blog and allow myself to release things I am thinking. The main purpose of me writing tonight is to talk about things that have been going on in my life recently. The past few weeks have been a little on the weird side. I have been in a battle with emotions, a lot of different emotions. I have had more good days then bad, which is definitely a good thing, but with that came exhaustion. It's been hard for me to handle being so tired all the time but I know that it will change at some point. There are a few things in my life that have truly given me a purpose and those things are; work and working out. Working out allows me to forget about my life for a little while and just focus on something other then what I am feeling or thinking. I turn my music up and for two hours of my life I feel like nobody knows my story and nobody can bother me. It's my time to focus on me and what I want to do. I am so thankful for the ability to workout.

While my body continues to make great leaps toward being healed, I also continue to make those same steps forward mentally. In the past few weeks I have made a number of big choices and faced some of my fears. Yesterday consisted of another one of those steps forward. My dad fell in love with Yani's Bistro the moment it opened. He had a genuine love for the people who worked there, especially Yani the owner. Yani is an amazing person who cared for my dad as if he was family. He took care of us every time we went there and made sure that we had the best service. My dad would have chose Yani's over most places except maybe Stone...only because he loved his Stone beer! :) I have been wanting to go to Yani's but was afraid to take that step. I came real close to going on my dads birthday but plans changed, leading me to think I may not go to Yani's for a long time.

I knew that Yani knew of my dads passing, so going there wouldn't be the easiest thing. Yani came over to the table and spoke so highly of my father, he truly loved him. As my aunt and I finished our meals the waitress brought over a plate with Tiramisu and said it was from Yani. Tiramisu was one of my dads favorite desserts from there, which made it very special. Yani also gave me over half price for a bottle of my dads favorite wine. It was a wine that he would buy a bottle of for dinner and turned so many people onto it's fabulous taste. As I sat at dinner all I could do was look around and stare at everything. I had nothing to say and wasn't in the mood to talk, I just wanted to take in where I was. I was reminded of all our awesome family trips and the special occasions that we spent at Yani's. It made me think about the memories with family friends and even the memories I had without my family. I was in a place where I felt like I was reliving moments in time. At times I felt like I could see my family sitting there and I was imagining the exact places we had sat and the things that took place. This was the first restaurant where I actually felt like my dad was still there. I felt like his love filled the room and that he was there with me every second.

I am glad I finally went to Yani's. I am glad that I didn't allow myself to run away from an amazing restaurant because of fear. I will continue to take big steps forward, they may not happen as often but they will still occur when the time is right. I am hoping that things can calm down for a while and give me a chance to figure things out. I would love for things to stay on the upside, allowing me to work towards being happy again. For now, all I can do is do my best and be honest with myself about what I need.

God Bless,
Tay