Saturday, May 28, 2011

Too many hard days in a row...

Why do some days seem so incredibly hard? Why have the past two weeks been so difficult for me to get through?

I am stuck in a different place in my journey through grief...a place that I am not familiar with at all. I am in a place where I feel so down and out that I see no end in sight. I am not comfortable in the spot I am in, actually I am very scared. I don't feel like I have any control of my emotions right now and causing me to wish I could just sleep the days away. I am not content in feeling this way by any means. I know that most people would say that it's possible to escape these feelings. I myself have been one of those people. I always told myself that anytime I was feeling down about something that I was allowing myself to sit in that emotion. The problem this time is that I can escape those emotions for a little before they are there again. I can't seem to enjoy anything about life and nothing is helping. On top of all that I feel more alone then I ever have.

I know that talking about what I am feeling is important, which I can admit I haven't been doing very well with that. In the beginning of all this I was doing a good job of expressing myself and then at some point along the way I lost that. Suddenly, talking was the one thing I didn't want to do and still don't want to do. As much as I don't want people to ask me questions, deep down I do want them to because I just want to know people care. I am at a very selfish point in all this where all I want is for people to care. I want to know that I am loved and needed. I feel so unimportant and helpless. Loneliness now has a new meaning in my life. Being depressed no longer means what I once thought it meant.

At this point I can't look at a picture of my dad without it bringing tears to my eyes, or even think about all the good memories I had with him. I can't seem to find joy in anything that I do. Every day I wish my dad was here. I wish he was here to give me a hug and to tell me that everything will be okay. My dad was my best friend...he was there for me no matter what. He would have given up anything to be there for me. I knew the day would come where he would pass but I wasn't expecting it this soon. I wasn't prepared at all. I am stuck in a really bad place and wish I knew how to get out of it. I know that my dad wouldn't want me to feel like this but all I want is to be with the one person that has never turned his back on me.

I guess this is just a time that I have to be willing to accept because it's part of healing. It's a piece to this puzzle that I feel like I will never finish. All I can do is take each day how it happens. I have done a good job accepting my feelings. I believe that's one area that I have become better at. I no longer have reasons as to why I feel the way I do. Most days nothing triggers anything, I just miss my dad. I have realized that triggers don't always have to occur, that some days are just going to suck. Grieving sucks. There is nothing about this process that is fun. Yes, it's interesting and I continue to search for new ways to understand all this but it's still not something I would wish upon anyone.

I have been trying my best to live a normal life lately, but no matter how much I try, it just doesn't seem to happen. I have to allow this period to pass on it's own. It's honestly something I have no control over. Tough weeks are going to occur, and certain things are going to come up that cause my life to be a little more difficult. Memories, holidays, pictures, places, and people are all going to cause me to lose control at different times. These moments can happen in a split second and give no warning. Before all this I would have never understood any of this and probably been very confused with how someone was acting. It's something you just can't understand if you haven't been through it. It's also something you can't understand if you aren't willing to, but who wants to if they don't have to.

I have found it to be harder to find people that will truly listen lately. It's getting further and further from that day, which means most people probably don't even think about what has happened very often. Remembering loved ones isn't a bad thing though because it's an awesome feeling to know that I had a dad that is worth missing. It's actually proven to me how awesome my dad was. You don't realize the impact people have on your lives until they are no longer there. It is sad that it has to be that way because I do regret not telling my dad that more while he was here. I know that he knows how much I care about him though.

I have been putting off writing in here lately because I was afraid to say how I was really feeling. Talking to people has been few and far between for that very same reason. I am not one that likes showing this side of me. It's a side that is way too vulnerable and I feel like it opens myself up to more pain. But, in reality, it's actually what I need. I need to share my story and open up. I have had terrible headaches lately and I think it's because of how much I am bottling up. I have been forcing myself to write a lot more in my journal and knew that it was time to also share in my blog.

I can't do this alone. As much as I want to, I just can't. If I continue to try to it's not going to turn out well. I have made a few bad decisions lately but have realized the areas I need to work on. I am making some changes in my life especially while things are so difficult. At this point in time I need to be careful because I am not strong enough to handle every situation. Yup, I am admitting that I am not the strong person I always try to be. I am incredibly weak, weaker then I have ever been. I am trying to cope the only way I know how, and I may not be doing a great job at this time but things will change.

"All those who have held special places in our lives and hearts, are always with us, always near, and I find the tears, sudden longing, or that quiet ache, are gentle reminders that this is true"

God Bless,

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