It's been a while since I took the time to sit down and write, but I also haven't felt the need. The last few days I have noticed that my will to write just hasn't been there. My journal entries have been short, uneventful, and difficult to write. As I get ready for bed I look at writing as just another thing I have to do, instead of wanting to describe everything about my day. On January 24th I decided to begin writing in a nightly journal, which was meant to explain my days, including all the ups and all the downs. I promised myself that same night that I would not miss a journal entry no matter how much I did not want to write. It has now been three months and I have not missed one journal entry. It has become part of my nightly ritual and at times it's the one thing that calms me down before falling asleep. I have found that nights I don't feel like writing, or nights I look at writing as a task, I have so much to say. It proves to me the importance of keeping a journal and of making it a priority in my life.
It is for that reason that I must remember to also write in my blog and allow myself to release things I am thinking. The main purpose of me writing tonight is to talk about things that have been going on in my life recently. The past few weeks have been a little on the weird side. I have been in a battle with emotions, a lot of different emotions. I have had more good days then bad, which is definitely a good thing, but with that came exhaustion. It's been hard for me to handle being so tired all the time but I know that it will change at some point. There are a few things in my life that have truly given me a purpose and those things are; work and working out. Working out allows me to forget about my life for a little while and just focus on something other then what I am feeling or thinking. I turn my music up and for two hours of my life I feel like nobody knows my story and nobody can bother me. It's my time to focus on me and what I want to do. I am so thankful for the ability to workout.
While my body continues to make great leaps toward being healed, I also continue to make those same steps forward mentally. In the past few weeks I have made a number of big choices and faced some of my fears. Yesterday consisted of another one of those steps forward. My dad fell in love with Yani's Bistro the moment it opened. He had a genuine love for the people who worked there, especially Yani the owner. Yani is an amazing person who cared for my dad as if he was family. He took care of us every time we went there and made sure that we had the best service. My dad would have chose Yani's over most places except maybe Stone...only because he loved his Stone beer! :) I have been wanting to go to Yani's but was afraid to take that step. I came real close to going on my dads birthday but plans changed, leading me to think I may not go to Yani's for a long time.
I knew that Yani knew of my dads passing, so going there wouldn't be the easiest thing. Yani came over to the table and spoke so highly of my father, he truly loved him. As my aunt and I finished our meals the waitress brought over a plate with Tiramisu and said it was from Yani. Tiramisu was one of my dads favorite desserts from there, which made it very special. Yani also gave me over half price for a bottle of my dads favorite wine. It was a wine that he would buy a bottle of for dinner and turned so many people onto it's fabulous taste. As I sat at dinner all I could do was look around and stare at everything. I had nothing to say and wasn't in the mood to talk, I just wanted to take in where I was. I was reminded of all our awesome family trips and the special occasions that we spent at Yani's. It made me think about the memories with family friends and even the memories I had without my family. I was in a place where I felt like I was reliving moments in time. At times I felt like I could see my family sitting there and I was imagining the exact places we had sat and the things that took place. This was the first restaurant where I actually felt like my dad was still there. I felt like his love filled the room and that he was there with me every second.
I am glad I finally went to Yani's. I am glad that I didn't allow myself to run away from an amazing restaurant because of fear. I will continue to take big steps forward, they may not happen as often but they will still occur when the time is right. I am hoping that things can calm down for a while and give me a chance to figure things out. I would love for things to stay on the upside, allowing me to work towards being happy again. For now, all I can do is do my best and be honest with myself about what I need.
God Bless,
Tay
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