Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Living in Black and White

Lately I have been really struggling with not having my dad to be here for me. All of those moments I had with my dad made my world so much better. He brought color to my life. As I continue on this journey my world just keeps getting darker and more lonely. I have no interest in watching sports, or even TV in general, and I don't enjoy living in San Diego. I miss my dad. I miss how my life used to be and I know it will never be the same. I am constantly in so much pain, both physically and emotionally, and it's so hard to deal with. I feel like pain is just constantly nagging me, and the minute I get a break from both or even one, I get smacked even harder.

When I titled this post "living in black and white", I had so many different ideas that surrounded those words. Not only can I no longer see the color in life but I also feel like I am stuck in black with glimpses of white. My days seem so uneventful and I am having such a difficult time focusing on the things I need to be doing. Energy is something that I don't have and the worst part is it takes so much effort just to finish out my days. I am in this place where I want to stay isolated from everyone else, but I also know that while I am feeling like this it's the worst thing I can do. I know that this is not a good place to be and that I can't get stuck in this but I just don't care. I really don't care about anything. Now that doesn't mean that I wouldn't be there for people in a heartbeat if they needed me. I still care about the people around me. I am just struggling with how to care for others when I can't even care about myself.

I have been given little glimpses of the light at the end of this huge tunnel. I have had moments where I truly felt happy and enjoying life. I would never try to tell you that those moments haven't happened. I have seen God open my eyes to things around me and prove to me that I will make it. I have had scenarios where I knew that it had to be my dad checking up on us. These are the moments that keep me waking up each day. Knowing that what I do during a day is meant to happen and that I need to attack it the best I can. Attacking each day means that I give it what I have for that day, obviously I can't push to make it miserable but if it's a rough day then it's a rough day. That is all I can do.

The issue with the glimpses of white is that I feel like I rarely leave the color black. Nothing seems right anymore. All the things I used to love doing aren't appealing to me at all. Sports was something I used to have to watch and now I can't even seem to sit down and watch anything. It's hard to watch TV shows that we all used to watch together. Every time I come home to this house it never feels right. The house never feels right because there is something huge missing. My dad was the laughter, the jokes, the sunshine, and a reason to smile. He would sit and listen to my day and anything I had issues with he always wanted to help. He constantly was worried about my injuries and doing whatever he could to keep my pain level down. So much has changed.

I don't know how to get out of the place that I am in. This feeling is something that I never have had and as it gets stronger I get more scared. I don't want to hurt anymore. I know I have to be happy for the time I had with him but I wasn't ready. The timing of everything was so horrible, but when would be a good time. I know the timing is something I have no control over but right now is when I need a dad most. I was too used to having him there every day. I wasn't out of the house yet so I still woke up to my dad making coffee each morning. Every morning I wake up it just doesn't feel right. It's been over five months and I still can't get used to how things are. I just want to run away and be alone. I know that won't help but I am tired of living this life.

The only thing that is keeping me going is the faith that at some point this will end. I don't have much left and I don't know what it will take to turn all of this around. I just hope that like a rainbow, a storm has to occur before everything can clear up. Rainbows are something beautiful after we are hit with a large amount of water. It's always been said that rain are God's tears from Heaven...so maybe it takes tears and a major struggle for the color to reappear to life. If rainbows can appear after even the biggest storms possible, then the beautiful color in my life will one day show again. Until then, I will do my best to continue to live my life...

God Bless,

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