I Will Rise Pt. 2

I recently was talking to someone very important in my life and she asked me if I had recently read any of the posts I wrote when I began my blogging journey or if I had read any journals I wrote. My answer to that question was no, I have not read any of my older posts in a very long time. She then responded with, "I think you should go back and read some of them because you will see how you have grown since those older posts." I have made it a priority in my life that when someone gives me their opinion on whatever it may be, that I will listen and give any idea a try. So, last night I read the first post that I ever wrote on my blog page. The post was filled with hope and a faith that surpassed anything that I currently have. But what I found to be interesting wasn't my first post but rather the second one.

I started this blog page the day before my dad had his second heart attack, which was 20 years after his first one. This heart attack was also two days after his 60th birthday. A birthday that was incredibly memorable because so many of his close friends were involved in the surprise party. I had been having a really good week. We had a great celebration, I was seeing God change lives at the bible study we had at my house, and I was just enjoying being in college. Unfortunately as Friday rolled around the smoothness of life would quickly turn into a dark path with a lot of unknowns. This was something that was all too familiar for me.

As a college student I had become accustomed to receiving phone calls regarding problems with my dad and his heart. It began in high school but the hardest experience was my first year in Kansas. In all honestly it was the first time in my life that I truly felt helpless. I didn't know how to handle my own emotions and I didn't know how to be there for my dad with him being so far away. It was a very difficult time for me and I turned to a lot of different things to run away from what I was feeling. I pushed friends away and just didn't care about most things in my life. I found it to be hard to wake up and I had no interest in going to school. There was only one thing I wanted and that was to be with my dad. Each year after that I would receive very similar phone calls, however my response to those phone calls became much different.

Luckily the  call I received that April would have a dramatically different response then when I was in Kansas. I had just finished school and my mom called telling me my dad may have had a stroke and that she was taking him to the hospital. They were supposed to be going to Julian that weekend for his birthday, which was the only reason my mom was at home. My dad had no one at the office so it was a blessing that my mom could get there immediately. My plans for the day were to be in La Jolla with a friend, which just so happened to be the exact location of the hospital my dad went to. My initial response was to panic, get scared, and worry about what would happen next. Janelle came over to my house and prayed with me, allowing me to cry and release all that I was feeling. She reassured me that God was with my dad and that He was in control. Within seconds of her praying I began to understand my role in the situation that had presented itself. Panicking had no part in that role. Even as I calmed down I continued to ask the question "why my dad...why is he going through this again?".

It didn't take long for me to understand that it had to be my dad. It had to be him because of the impact he had made and the lives he had touched. God wasn't allowing all of us to go through a difficult situation to only help one person. He wanted my dad to remember how precious life was and that he couldn't take anything for granted. God wanted my mom to find strength in him and to overlook the negatives and see even the slightest positive. And He wanted me to have faith in Him, to trust that everything would be okay and it was also the day I began to accept Gods purpose for life and death. I felt a sense of comfort with us every moment of that day. I heard love flow through the mouths of doctors, nurses, and the rest of the hospital staff. I was reminded that day that I don't own anything and that every single thing in my life could be taken from me in the blink of an eye. I was forced to remember that allowing fear to take over my life in difficult situations gets me no where, but instead I should trust in a God that is so much greater then all things. In that first ever post I wrote this, "He has his hand in every little thing and it's all to help us, never to hurt us". Even now I know this to be the truth, but at times it's hard for my brain to believe that my heart feels that way.

This was the last paragraph I wrote that night, "God has allowed me to stand when I had no ability to stand on my own, and He has placed by my side the people and support I have needed. By the end of the night I was the strength in my family, the person calming everyone down and telling them it would be okay. Before I left the hospital I gave my dad a kiss and a hug, and told him I loved him. I walked out of the hospital extremely scared to leave and anxious for the morning to arrive so I could return to my dads side, but even with all those emotions going on I know God is with him tonight. What takes place in our lives won't always be easy and the minute you think things are going well, something else will show up. But each time you will grow even more to the point where things like this won't even phase you because you know Who is behind it, not what, but Who. God is behind every single thing and when I told my mom that tonight she responded with, "even something like this?" I said to her it may not look good now but I have no doubt that good will come from this because God will show each of us something we were unaware of. I love my dad with all my heart, but God loves Him even more, and that is why I have nothing to worry about."

As I read through that post it was difficult to replay but it also gives me hope for a better day. At that point in my life my dads situation was very difficult for me to deal with because I was afraid I was going to lose him. Obviously a few months later my life would again be shaken but this time it would be for good. It's pretty amazing to look back to those posts and see that even in the most difficult circumstances my faith stayed strong, in fact it grew to be even stronger then it was. My faith must stay strong right now as well. I am trying to play it off like I am fine and that I can get through this but inside I am hurting so much. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss my dad but the one thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day I will see him again.  The title of that post was "I Will Rise", and there is so much truth in that because I will in fact rise and continue going forward with my life. I know that I will have weeks like this one where all I can think about is my dad but I also know I will have weeks where I don't think about him constantly. It's a good thing to have those weeks where I get a mental break and don't feel overwhelmed with grief. 

I may be struggling to feel my dad, but I know that he has to be with me. He never once left my side so why would he now? I love him more than anything and I only hope that he is proud of all that has taken place lately. I also hope that I am making him proud in some way or another because that is one thing that is very important to me. 

God Bless,

Tay

A Difficult Place

I know that at any point my life could end. I know that no matter what happens during my day that I must continue to trust that God has a plan for me and that His purpose for my life is so much greater then anything I could ever imagine. I also know that if God were to take my life tomorrow, that I still need to trust Him and trust His plan for me. God is the only reason I have life so who am I to think that I ever deserve more time then what He is willing to give me. The answer to that is I am nothing, I don't deserve anything and neither does anyone else. Now as I sit here and say all that, why can't I accept that my dad is no longer here? Actually it's not that I can't accept it, because I know that it was part of Gods plan and there is nothing that could have changed that. The facts are I miss my dad more then anything. All I want is to have a weekend with him where we sit and watch football with no cares in the world. I want him to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be okay. I need to know that no matter what I will make it and that he will be there every step of the way. I feel like all I see is dark in front of me and each time I see a little glimpse of hope it seems to be washed away with a huge wave. There are so many things in my life that I wish I could change, relationships I wish I could fix, decisions I need to make, and things I need to achieve but I can't seem to fulfill any of those. I would give up everything in my life to have more time with my dad. I don't think I ever realized how much I would miss him. I took each day I had with him for granted thinking he would always be there. I know I shouldn't regret anything but I do. I regret not being a better daughter and not telling him more often how much I cared and appreciated the father he was to me. If only I could go back in time...but I can't. I am stuck with a lot of what if's. What if he was still here, what if I would have been with him, what if he didn't constantly have so much on his plate and what if my family didn't run him to the ground with all their issues. Would any of those have made a difference? The only answer I have to all that is no, because in my heart I am doing my best to believe that nothing could have changed what happened. In my heart I am trusting that God will bring good from all of this and that there is something more that I can't see right now. Usually when I write I have some hidden meaning where I write for others to hear a message. I apologize but tonight you are reading whats in my heart. This is me being vulnerable and just saying what I feel rather then hiding behind fake emotions. All I can be is me and sometimes that doesn't even feel like it's good enough. I feel like I am without a lot of things right now and truthfully all I want is to have my dad with me. I miss him, plain and simple. I wake up each morning wishing he was here with me. I can't help but think about him in all I do. Maybe this is just a tough time for me and my hope is that it will end soon. I do have hope for a future, a future that consists of happiness but right now its difficult to see that. I know people have it much worse and it's amazing to me the things people can get through, but making it through is something I am struggling with. I just don't see myself making it at this point.

I love you dad with all my heart and I miss you more then anything!

God Bless,
Tay

Life and 23

I have watched time fly by me as if days have passed by without ever taking place. Events that would usually have a lot of meaning have proven to be unimportant when it comes to remembering details because my mind has just skipped over them. I have watched people come in and out of my life, as well as realized some of the amazing support I have surrounding me. People have given up things in their lives to be there for me and have constantly done anything they could to help me feel better, yet I continue to struggle. The conversations I have been apart of and the lessons I have been taught are things that I would never want to change. However, as I come up on the 9 month mark of losing my dad I feel as if I have only made steps backward rather than forward. At least I have felt that way lately...

Friday will be 9 months. You may wonder why I would be keeping account of the months since losing my dad but honestly it seems to be an unconscious thought. I feel as if the number 23 will forever be changed in my eyes and that I will never be able to look at that number as anything but the day my dad passed away. For the next year I will be forced to learn to deal with stating the number 23 each time someone asks me how old I am. Hopefully through that process, as well as over time it will become easier and that number will only be significant for the exact day. Constant thoughts like those last ones running through my head are apart of my day and night. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with some of the most random thoughts that I have ever had. I don't even remember the last time that I actually got a good night of sleep. I feel exhausted often and some days are much worse than others but I know that I must continue to live.

As I read one of my grief share emails this week it talked about the future and not getting stuck in the past, which caused me to question whether I was moving forward or not. For a few weeks I had felt like I was making steps in the right direction and actually saw some light shining on my life plans. As I continued to talk about those plans I began to feel overwhelmed and scared. I immediately felt in a panic and anxious about the things I needed to do to reach my ultimate goal. I am not sure why I am so scared but everything in me is telling me that I can't do it. I used to feel so strong and had a good amount of self confidence. I always gave everything I had when it was something I wanted or something I cared about. Somewhere along the way I feel as if I have lost that. I am unsure if it was when my dad passed away or possibly before but it's a feeling that causes me to run away. I can honestly say that the future terrifies me and that it's very difficult for me to look ahead rather then back to the events of December 23rd.

The past week has been very difficult for me. I had multiple breakdowns where hope was non-existent. The days leading up to the Heart Walk consisted of nights where I cried myself to sleep, woke up throughout the night crying and also woke up for my day crying. I would leave work and the first thing I did when I got in my car was cry. Although all I wanted was to ask for help, I couldn't do it. I was worried about feeling vulnerable and also about bothering people. I wanted to try to make it through by myself, which is why I still haven't asked for anyone to be there. I asked for prayers, which was a very difficult step for me but I knew I needed them. I am not one to ask for that, not sure why but I am just not good at it. I am at a place in my grief journey where I am struggling and have a lot of those nights where I just feel alone. Those nights consist of me laying in bed awake, sometimes in tears because of the pain I am feeling. The hole that my dad once filled seems to be growing and I can't find my way out of it. Different issues in my life keep happening and I just wonder when I will show some sort of improvement. When will I actually feel like I am making forward progress rather than just moving backwards?

The important thing for me is that I must move on. It's not easy to move away from the past when the past includes losing something that was so important. My thoughts immediately return to that day and lately I have wondered if I could have done anything to change it. The thing about that is I know that I can't. I know that all of this was Gods plan, yet I can't seem to grasp that when my emotions begin to take over. The grief share email that I mentioned earlier in this post was something I really needed to read and a few days later another one about moving on appeared again. Now I don't know if that's a sign but I do know that I have had a rough time getting past losing my dad. I have always found analogies to be useful because I feel like they paint a picture for the mind. As I was driving today I was looking back into the rear view mirror and it reminded me of something I had read before about not looking too long at what is behind you. Could you imagine how dangerous it would be if while I was driving I starred into the rear view mirror only looking at what was behind me? The thing about the process of grief is that it forces you to focus on the past because you aren't able to move on from the person you lost. It's especially hard if that person was someone who impacted your life dramatically. The pain of losing that person will never go away. When people try to say that over time the pain will go away, that is not the case. You will in fact always feel pain from the things you lose but over time you have to find ways to move forward.

In my heart I know that I must move forward and that I need to attempt to move on from the things behind me but it's a difficult task. Trying to move forward knowing that my dad won't be apart of anything is a hard concept for me to grasp. He is the one person that I wanted to be there as I continued my life journey. But I have choices and those choices could be detrimental in how my life turns out from this moment forward. I can stay in the grief or I can move on. That doesn't mean that the pain of losing my dad will no longer be there because it always will be. I can't expect that one day I will no longer miss my dad or feel sorry that he is no longer here. That is something that I will always carry but it doesn't mean that I can't use my past to build on my future. I can't forget the past but I also don't want to live there. I don't want to miss out on a lot of great things because I am too focused on things that happened long ago. I want to move on I just have to figure out how to do that. I need to figure out what I can do for myself to help me get past all of this without having to bug other people. I want to be happy but without my dad here it's not easy to allow myself to actually enjoy all aspects of my life. Maybe that is also something that comes with time...

God Bless,
Tay

Brick by Brick

This morning as I was preparing for my day, I was reading one of the daily emails that I receive, and a specific quote immediately caught my attention. The quote said, "you can't always see where God is leading you, but you can always look back and see where He has been." This quote stuck out to me because there is so much truth in those words. During difficult situations it's hard to see any good. You begin to wonder why you have to go through something that seems so impossible. In fact there are some situations that force us to feel like the only option is just to give up. This thought process isn't completely inaccurate because giving up is what needs to happen, but I don't mean giving up in a negative way. The giving up that I am speaking of is giving up control, ridding yourself of worry, fear, and anxiety. By giving these few things up you are opening your door to life in a whole new way and allowing your mind the ability to relax. You are giving yourself permission to live each day as it happens.

As I have talked about before, for some reason there are days where lyrics in songs just hit me and I no longer can hear that specific song without constantly thinking about what the lyrics mean. It is the reason I enjoy music so much and the reason I love all the different genre's. The song that got me thinking was "Brick by Boring Brick" by Paramore. Paramore has been attacked a number of times about the meanings of their lyrics and whether they are a Christian band or not. I don't know the answer to that but I feel like as you listen to their music you can find a number of references towards God and living a life filled with faith. I don't have an exact explanation as to why this song popped into my head but as I thought about it I felt like I had an understanding of the lyrics.

Before actually thinking about the song this whole thought process started with a devotional. The devotional was about rebuilding your faith and allowing God to piece together your life through any situation that presents itself. It spoke of a wall being built up and broken down but always being rebuilt in the end. As situations occur in our lives our wall is broken down. It's possible that our wall is only partly torn down or in the "worst" case the entire wall is shattered. The instances where the wall is partly torn is usually because we need a change of direction or we may need to start over at a task we were struggling with. These trials could be fixed quickly or could take some time but usually they don't effect every piece of our lives. However, when the wall is shattered we are forced to start over, to begin picking up the pieces and figuring out how to continue living. It is during those times that without us even knowing, God is placing new bricks into our wall to help us begin again. It's not always easy to see that He is present, but later down the road we find that it was during those struggles that he was ever so near.

The analogy of a brick wall being torn down is how I view the "process" of grief or the "grief journey". For me, my wall was completely shattered. I saw such a huge part of my life ripped away from me and I was left to figure out how to fix it. As I fought to figure out how to continue living I saw my life fall apart even more. I was extremely depressed and had no clue how to pick myself up. Luckily I found a few things to focus on and have some people in my life that haven't allowed me to fall apart too much. The things I am passionate about such as: my job, working out, my friends, and continuing to strive to be the best person I can be, have allowed me to see hope in this dark tunnel. Along with the things I have just mentioned, I have an amazing support group that has always been there and continues to be there for me. These people have acted as my temporary wall and have been my strength when I couldn't find any.

As I continued to think about the devotional I read and the idea of a wall being rebuilt Paramore's song made it's way into my thoughts. "Brick by Boring Brick" is a song that forces you to rethink where your mind is and helps you see what is real. At times we get so caught up in all the small meaningless issues in our lives and we no longer can see the good in all that is around us. We begin to live a life that is anything but optimistic. I love some of the lyrics in the song that bring you back down to reality and remind you to just focus on the things you can see in front of you. It's about using the lens that God has given you to really see what He wants you to see and then to act on that. We can't just attempt to escape real life and choose to live in a fantasy world. We have to face each step forward with all we have. Ultimately how we view the things that happen to us, the situations that arise, and the choices we make, is the most important thing. We have the ability to see the positives in every trial that is presented in our lives. It's not easy and it may take a long time but it will be worth it if you can just live for each day. The title of the song comes down to the fact that it's not a quick journey or a smooth path, but each brick will bring about new strength.

As God continues to place new bricks into our wall we are able to find new strength, strength we didn't know we had. This is where trust plays a big role. We have to trust that in due time things will get better and our life will fall into place. It may be a small trial or it might be something extreme but no matter what it is each one takes time and effort. We must be willing to see the good, to think positively, and to attempt to do good things while we wait for our lives to make sense. It goes back to that quote because at some point we will see where God made his presence. God will give us the opportunity to make changes in our lives and He will give us opportunities to work on the areas that we need help. If He immediately fixed every situation or gave us everything we wanted then we would never grow in our faith.

It's a long road, a journey, a process, but one day you will look back and see where you started. One day I will look back and see what I have gained along this path. I already have a hard time believing that I have made it as far as I have but it really shouldn't surprise me. My strength hasn't come from me but from a God that has continued to provide the necessary things to get me through. I can't say I enjoy this process and although time is flying by it also feels as if it's not moving. I feel like I haven't made much progress and tend to feel like I am still struggling more then I should be. I know that I am handling things better then I have been in the past months and I am extremely thankful that I have a lot of passion for a few very important things in my life. By allowing myself to take pride in certain goals it has kept me busy and forced me to keep moving forward. My wall will be rebuilt and although it might be a long time before it's strong again, I know that I will make it. Brick by brick my life will fall back into place and I will find true happiness. I will be able to accept what has taken place in my life the past few years and move forward.

Whatever trial it is that you are going through includes some form of grief. Grief can hit in many different levels and at times we don't even realize that we are actually dealing with a form of grief. Some grief is harder than others, but they all have their own consequences and challenges. It doesn't mean that you don't have reason to be depressed, scared, mad or whatever emotion you may be dealing with. It just means that what you are going through is a difficult time in YOUR life. It doesn't matter if compared to my situation your issue seems less. Remember that you have all the right in the world to grieve and to fight your own battle. Allow yourself the time. Allow God to work at building your wall and even though it may be a slow boring process, hang tight and have faith that at some point all these hardships will make sense.

Much love and God bless!
~Tay

Together We Can Make It Through It

 

There are moments in our lives that we come across people at random points throughout the day who have the ability to help change our lives in even the smallest way. Last night I had a very interesting meeting with a kid at The Living Room coffee shop near SDSU. I was introduced to this coffee shop while attending SDCC and it became a place that I could go when I needed to get something done. For some reason being surrounded by others who are working hard and staying focused helps force you to concentrate on the task at hand. As the rain came pouring down, I decided that I would spend some time at the coffee shop seeing how I had not been there in a very long time. I knew that I had some things that I needed to get done, these things were necessary in helping figure out the future path I plan to choose. I had spent a lovely day alone and I felt that placing myself in a setting that forced me to get stuff done would be the best idea.

As I sat at a table by myself a young kid walked up to me and started asking me questions about my T-shirt. I was wearing an SDCC Soccer shirt, which has the competitors creed from Fellowship of Christian Athletes on the back. It says; "my sweat is an offering to my Master, my soreness is a sacrifice to my Savior". He was so stoked to read the back of my shirt and asked if he could take a picture of what it said. He told me how he loves when shirts have such meaningful quotes on them. He went and got his phone and took a picture of the back of my shirt. As he said thank you he got a glimpse of my tattoo and was again interested in the meaning. I found it to be somewhat funny because he attempted to read what it said obviously some of it is in Latin. He was struggling to pronounce it correctly, I of course helped him and also explained what it meant. Romans 8:28 was also an important verse to him so he began talking to me about my walk with God and wanted to know if I was a fellow believer. I gave him a short explanation as to how I accepted the Lord and once I finished he started to tell me his testimony.

This boy was 19 years old and had spent his life in the foster care system until he was 18 and could legally emancipate himself. His mother was killed and his family was unable to take care of him. It was at that point that he was placed in foster care, and spent the majority of his life. He then began to tell me that as time went on the Lord opened his heart up and showed him what it means to follow God wholeheartedly. It was amazing how passionate he was. He talked a lot about storms and explained to me how the storms in his life never seem to calm down but that he continues to be shown new things. Although he has lived a difficult life he has fully accepted the struggles. This young man already understands that each trial he goes through has a purpose and some of the times it may not be his personal trial but rather someone he is close to. He told me that he has been taught how to stick by peoples side and withstand their trials with them.


The minute he walked up I was a little taken back by the fact that he was starring at the back of my shirt and then asked for a picture. The girl next to me looked at me and just smiled, probably thinking this kid is a little weird. I am not going to lie, I was thinking the same thing. But in the end I am glad that he stopped and talked to me. I am glad that he shared a little about his life and the struggles he has had to go through. It showed me once again that I am not alone. Each and every person goes through their own trials and we all handle them differently. Some people can get through things quickly with a small amount of their life affected, while other people struggle for weeks, months, or even years. There is no exact time frame for when a person should heal from something traumatic. I have some friends that have been through some pretty difficult situations and although time has passed by I know the hurt still exists. I also know that internally there are still things that each of them are holding on to, afraid to share because they feel as if they are not allowed to feel that way.

Trials hit our lives like a giant wave in the middle of a big storm. No matter how much you prepare you can't completely control each situation that happens. I think if we could each remember that then we would have a little more compassion for people struggling. I know that I am the same way. I forget that people hurt for different lengths of time both mentally and physically. I tend to forget that although life has continued the pain is still there. Nothing takes that pain away, not even time. Time may teach you how to move on and continue living but it doesn't take it completely away. Each of us is forced to start over and attempt to pick up where we left off. Sometimes it's a physical healing process where we are unable to participate in the activities we are used to doing. Other times it's a loss of someone special in our lives and we feel as if we can't go on without them. These things happen for different reasons and we may never truly understand those reasons. Difficult events usually force us to stop, slow down, and look around at what is taking place. They allow us time to breathe and to pay attention to what is important. Some of the things that happen force us to be thankful for the life we have been given and to prove that no matter what we are blessed in so many ways.

One thing is for sure I am thankful for a lot of things that have happened since my dad has passed away. My eyes have been opened to so many new things and I was forced to slow down focusing on what was truly important to me. I saw things from people that I never would have taken the time to see. I began to understand emotions of people close to me who had been through something similar. I have seen peoples lives being changed in a positive way and have had a positive effect on a lot of different people. I am using my loss to benefit others and will continue to do my part in helping save lives of those who are suffering from different types of diseases. So...yes there are so many negatives but I think all of you are somewhat aware of what I have lost and the daily struggles I have been forced to deal with. If you don't know I have lost a lot, and my life has been changed forever but that doesn't mean that my life has to end. I still have so much to do and so many years ahead of me to make a difference in at least one life.

Long ago I wrote that my ultimate goal in life was to give someone hope when they felt like they had none, to let them know that no matter what the trial was they would make it through and I would be there every step of the way, anyway I could. Things took a turn and I ended up being the one that needed and still needs hope to move forward. Our lives don't have to be perfect to provide people with the love and support they may need to keep walking. We tend to forget the impact of a simple hello or a smile, which can completely turn someones day around for the better. I don't even know the kid's name that talked to me last night but I know that he understands a little of what I am feeling. I also know that at least one person is praying for me. Remember what is important to you. Take a second to tell someone what they mean to you or to simply let them know you care. Give someone a hug or say hello to someone you don't know. You have the power to change so many lives, we all have the power to change a life and this should be our goal.

God Bless,
Tay Tay

A Missing Piece

For the most part I was having a pretty good week and did my best to really stay positive. As I left work tonight I got really excited for all the fun things I have planned for this weekend. There are a lot of different coming down to San Diego who will be visiting at different points, which is exciting. A lot of them I haven't had the chance to see very much, so it will be nice to spend some time with each of them.

As I got back to where I am staying a huge wave of grief hit me. I received a picture of a candle that had been lit for my dad at the University of Notre Dame, which brought me to tears. They have an area at the school where they allow you to light candles for loved ones. Being able to not only visit ND but to also have the opportunity to light a candle for my dad is a dream of mine. Notre Dame is so much apart of him that I feel like I need to spend some time on the campus he was in love with.

Tomorrow is the start of another season...a season without my dad. Watching Notre Dame football had become something we did together constantly. Being around family friends and sharing our passion for ND was also something done often. My dad had Notre Dame in his blood and was such a huge fan. Win or lose he stuck beside his team and would withstand even some of the worst games in history. He was a true fan and a true alum.

As a child my dad immediately instilled in me his passion for Notre Dame football. I remember watching the movie Rudy multiple times and having him tell me what an amazing story it was. He would get so enthusiastic when he talked about his memories from school and the games he was able to go to. He truly loved everything about Notre Dame.

Yes I know, it's just the start of another season. Another season where Notre Dame fans struggle to support their team through games, only hoping they are better then previous years. But for my dads friends and family, and of course myself, this season won't be quite the same. A huge piece of what is the true passion behind watching Notre Dame football won't be there. The phone calls, texts, screaming at the tv, and the cheers when they win won't be what it used to be. Without my dad here Notre Dame football just won't be the same, and Saturdays will be anything but normal.

I want to be able to watch the games, I really do, but I just don't know if I am prepared to handle that yet. I know it seems like something so minimal but in my family it's such a huge part of our year. We were prepared months before the season. It was honestly as if the season never ended. I don't think I can handle it without my dad here. All I want is to be able to walk downstairs and see him sitting on the couch listening to "Here Comes The Irish", as he did every single game. I want to wake up to that song being so loud that I am mad that it woke me up from deep sleep. These traditions are ones that seem impossible without him.

I miss my dad so incredibly much and as I try to move forward with my life I am constantly filled with so much doubt and fear. I don't feel like I can go on without him. It's nights like tonight where all I can do is hope tomorrow is better but then I think how can it be without my best friend. I just don't know if I can get through this. I need my dad by my side, I feel so alone.

Until we meet again,
Tay