Writing: My Escape

All I want is to be able to fall asleep. To wake up from this and have the two people that showed me so much about love sitting next to me. I thought I could act fine. I tried so hard this week to stay strong. I kept reminding myself to smile and laugh because I knew that's what they would want. I kept myself focused on my days and found happiness around the people who have stood by my side day in and day out. As the day began to come to an end, reality hit and I was reminded of the place I would have to return. A vacant house completely empty of any sort of emotion besides sadness. Does this month exist? Can it exist? For my family it's as if it can not. The two people that filled our lives with joy are no longer here.

The loss of my dad was so earth shattering that I think people forget that in June I also lost my grandma. After losing my dad my grandma was the one thing I had that made me feel like a piece of my dad was still here. She understood me. We could talk about anything. She helped me have faith in the things I struggled to see or even begin to understand. She loved me with all her heart. Tonight as I opened a present a patient got me, all I could do is think about her. The hope she had for life, the joy she constantly showed no matter what the circumstance was, the love she had for my family and of course the amazing faith she had. She was such an inspiration. My dad had so much love for her and nothing would or could ever change that. Putting a smile on her face was one of his daily goals. She truly meant the world to him and he meant the world to her.

Most people will admit that when it came to my family my dad and I were a lot a like. I was his mini me and he loved when people said that. Each time I went to his office patients would immediately view me as Dr. Aglio's daughter. They saw it in my face, especially my eyes. My dad viewed it as a compliment when patients said that. He loved having his daughter be compared to him. I, however, hated every moment of it. I would snap back and say no I look like my mom. I thought it was negative when they said I looked like him and acted like him. Now that I am older I understand that I couldn't have received a greater compliment. Being compared to my father is very special and it's all I have left in a world where all I want is to have him back.

My grandma and my dad were also a lot a like, which is why as the years went by the three of us began to get very close. We all had hearts filled with love and we constantly proved that to one another. My conversations with each of them became influential over the years. My grandma and I would talk about the importance of faith and she had so much hope for my life. Deep down I know my dad had a lot of faith. He would study books and meditate searching for any sort of peace. All he wanted was to feel safe and comforted. They were two of the most amazing people I have ever met. Over the years I grew to love both of them so much. I know you have to love your family but in all honesty my love for them was greater than anything I could have ever thought. They taught me the true meaning of caring for people with all your heart. They both taught me how to never give up and to have strength even when my world seems as if it is crumbling.

This year is another Christmas that I not only have to make it through without my Dad but for the first time I also have to make it without my grandma. Life was so much easier last year when I could escape to Colorado and in a way run from everything I was feeling. Now I am forced to be in this house where I am reminded of everything I wish I could forget. I know it's important to go through these emotions but I wish it wasn't necessary. I know I will be given the strength to get through all of this but everything in me wants to give up. If I ran away from it all would I regret it? Knowing how hard I am on myself I probably would. It's important to figure out how to fight emotions like these and to find happiness. Its very possible that the people in my life just don't understand and wether that's the case or not is okay. I have to go through this on my own, standing on my own two feet, and trusting that I will pull through. I have to figure out how to find things that remind me of my dad and my grandma while making me feel close to them instead of them feeling distant. I need to remember my life has meaning and that giving up on my goals means giving up on the goals so many have for me.

If I have been taught one thing it is that all the struggles have a purpose. One day they all will make sense and it may be another life that is changed through the difficult moments I have lived. I have no control over what takes place but I do have control over how I react to it. I am trying. I'm trying to stay strong and have faith. I'm trying to be positive and happy. But with that, I also know that I need to allow some of these emotions to occur and that being in my solitary may be the best thing for me to learn how to be stronger while also being more independent. I can't rely on everyone else so much. It is through my own heart and mind that I will learn to battle these terrible moments. The moments where I can't seem to find any hope. The important thing to remember is behind all those thoughts is a heart longing to heal. It's a person that wants to view life as missing nothing. One day it will all be okay and I will see the bright light at the end of a very long and lonely tunnel.

God bless,
Taylor

Dear Dad

As children prepare their letters to Santa asking for all the things they want I decided to write my letter to you. There is truly nothing I want more then to have one more day with you, a day where I could spend every second showing you my appreciation. As a child each year I wrote a letter to this man that I viewed as one of the best people in the world. I mean come on, one single person who gave me everything I wanted and then some while also providing every other kid what they asked for. It wasn't long before I unwillingly found out that what I once believed to be true was actually a lie. However, behind a lie was a very honest, loving and caring individual that did everything in their power to give me what I wanted. Dad, you were my Santa. You may not have portrayed an exact image of Santa Claus but you sure had his characteristics. Your ultimate goal was to give me everything I asked for because the smile on my face Christmas morning was worth every penny. 

Santa Claus is real. He is real because the spirit he portrays for giving is a real living emotion. His spirit for loving and caring for the world exists. His challenge for people to become better individuals and spend time showing one another how much you love them makes each of us better people. For one month the world is a better place to live. Even when tragedy strikes we still remember the true meaning of Christmas. It is those people who "play the role" of Santa who deserve the gratitude. A lot is expected of each of them and the last thing they want is to let anyone down. 

It took me a long time to see and understand that you were my Santa. In reality it took you being absent to understand that. I saw the meaning of Christmas immediately taken from my life the day you were ripped away from me. The hallmark version of Christmas doesn't exist. I try my best to still give to others with a hope that they have what I once did but its a challenge. It's a challenge to talk about the plans I don't have with every person that asks. You gave me everything. I was such a lucky girl. Putting a smile on my face and making me feel special was your ultimate goal. Knowing someone cared that much about me made me feel like the greatest thing in the world. Now I am lost. I try to act like Christmas doesn't exist and hope that if I try hard enough the day will just pass by. Everything that was Christmas involved you. 

I hope you can see that I am trying dad. I know there have been times that I have been very negative about this month, especially the holiday. The sad part is the pain causes me to be blinded from the true meaning of Christmas. The gifts, food, and celebrations aren't what Christmas is truly about. I somehow hope to find that this year and remember what the day encompasses historically rather than what it has now become. I hope to find something to smile about, something to remind me of you. 

It's hard to believe its been two years since you left my life. It's been two very long years but at the same time the time has gone by extremely fast. It's amazing how other people in my life can remember exactly what they were doing the moment they were told what had happened. People who didn't even know you very well or even at all vividly remember the events of that entire day. Sometimes it's nice to go back through that day because each time I learn something new. At the time all I could think about was what had happened but was unable to see the immediate emotions others were faced with. Somehow I had all the support I could have ever needed right there in front of me with very little effort exerted. I think some of them were unaware of the changes that were ahead. Change is an understatement. 

As days go by I do my best to show happiness and love to everyone I come in contact with. I save those tough emotions I am fighting all day for when I get home when I know I can just let them all out. Maybe it's not the best way to go about it but right now it seems like so much less trouble. I am trying to take each day for what it's worth because pretty soon I will be in a very unfamiliar place. I won't have the same safe places to go when I feel I need to seek your love and advice. The spots I park my car and cry out to you. Dad, please know I am not running away. I know you understand that I need change. I need a new place where I can grow. A place where very little people know me and don't view those rough days as so incredibly bad. I will no longer be the girl who is "strong" and grieving after going through something a little tough. I can make a new name for myself and begin new adventures. 

Thank you Dad for always loving me more than any one person ever could. Thank you for making sure that I had people surrounding me that could build me up and get me through these last two years. You have guided me, pushed me and supported me through so many difficult moments. I know that you have had a hand in all the recent decisions I have had to make and you will continue to be right by my side. I can't even describe how much I miss you. Staying in San Diego this year isn't going to be easy but I know you will help me get through this. Take care of everyone special in my life and make sure they have a Christmas that brings them joy. Spread your smile to all who knew and loved you. Please don't ever stop spreading your wings and soaring over each and every life that needs you. There are some people who really need your love and support. I will be okay Dad. I am going to make it through these new and challenging adventures. 

Smile for me Dad. Remember those moments we shared. Shower grandma with so much love. After all those years you finally get to have a Christmas with your mom and dad. You deserve that more than anyone I know. Knowing you are with the two of them helps me smile through the tears. You have no more  pain and nothing makes me more happy then to know that. I love you dad with all my heart. You will forever live on in all that I do. 

God Bless,

Tay

Not what it once was...

As a child I always loved the month of December. The decorations, the tree, family time and of course some of the greatest movies ever made. One of my favorite things about this time of year has always been Christmas lights because they have the ability to make everything look so beautiful. Even the most run down and beat up buildings have an incredible glow once strings of lights are attached. The real question now is why is something I used to love so hard to see now? Why do the decorations at work only cause me to feel suffocated by the thought of my dad no longer being here? Why as a young kid did the gifts being piled under the tree seem most important? Even as I got older I used Christmas as just one of the days I could find new ways to show my family how much I loved them. I thought I could make up for anything wrong that I ever did by buying each of them something special. I still had this idea that gifts was what it was all about. I was young and didn't understand the special little moments that I now miss more than anything.

Decorating was never a huge deal in my house, especially as the years went by. My dad knew it was important to me, so he made it a priority like most things that I cared deeply about. The early years of my childhood consisted of us gathering around a fire and decorating the tree. He would tell me stories of each ornament, where he got them, how old they were and why they meant so much. He loved Christmas trees. He said it was the first thing people noticed as they drove up the driveway. Turning the lights on was one of the first things he did when he got home from work. Some days I would find him just sitting there starring at the tree. As the years went by we decorated less and less. My brother and I were older, he was out of the house and I was at school in Kansas but would come home for holiday break. My dad still made sure to have the tree up and lit when I got home. The tree was enough, it brought meaning and allowed us to gather around it on cold nights with a fire.

It always amazed me how one month could bring so much happiness and excitement to the entire world. I look back now and I also realize that same month brought my family closer together. It was one time each year that we actually enjoyed each other's company. We found ways to show we cared about one another and spent time just being a family. Whether it was dinner with family friends or just simply my family gathering around a table for dinner, it was special. December 2010, the year I lost my dad, I had forced my parents to fully decorate our house. It had been a while since the last time we actually decorated the house and added ornaments to the tree. In my heart I felt I needed some Christmas cheer. That would be the last time I ever decorated with my dad, his life ended two days before Christmas and I was left starring at our tree of memories. The day he passed away he took with him the family meaning of Christmas and the tradition we had for so many years. He also took with him the Christmas cheer. In one day the happiness surrounding my life was taken from me and I felt like I had lost reason to keep living.

Somehow I have made it to year two but still I struggle to figure out how to make it through this time of year without him. I hear Christmas music in stores and all I want to do is escape it as soon as possible. I have lost the ability to enjoy what this month means to so many others. Christmas is everywhere I go and the memories flow constantly tearing me apart because the one thing I need isn't here. Then at night I go home to a pitch black house that is trying to act like the month doesn't exist, as if holidays mean nothing anymore. It's one feeling I hate more than anything. Holidays just aren't holidays anymore and at this point nothing can change that.

I wish more than anything that I could figure out a way to continue traditions or even start new ones. It just seems impossible at this time. People prepare their holiday plans and I try to figure out how to make it through this time without crying every day. I try to smile and act like the pain isn't there but it's constantly there each and every moment of my day. I go from smiling to crying in seconds. I can't sleep at night trying to figure out how to make it through all of this. I look in the mirror and see a person with very little strength. I need people to be here but can't find the strength to ask for help. A huge amount of love is missing from my life and emptiness is covering the strength I once thought I had. I have this lonely feeling that takes over without warning and leaves me in tears. The life I once had is all I want back, yet at the time all I wanted was for it to be different. I wish I could sit here and say that everything I ever wanted to say and do was accomplished, but it wasn't. 

I know nothing I do can change anything. Nothing will bring my dad back. Although I have known that since the minute I found out he was gone, the reality of it is hitting me hard. There is so much change happening in my life that I want my dad to be apart of. His support and guidance is needed more than ever.  He has always been the person who would do anything to make sure all my plans matched up, while also making sure I wasn't going to fail. I thought each year would get better but that hasn't been the case and I feel incredibly lost. I now understand how important it was for me to leave last year around this time. Nothing about this month is easy and unfortunately, this year I can't run away from it. I need to live it. I need to accept that this year and forever after wont include my dad. I made it through last year, I will make it through this year and every year after. I will find ways to wake up each day, get out of bed, and try my best to be happy. At this point all I can really do is try to turn all of this around, put the face on that everyone wants and hide what I am feeling until I am in a place where I can let it out. Currently grief has a very strong hold of me... 

God bless,
Tay

Heavy On My Heart

Lately I find myself missing you more and more as each day passes. I search for reasons as to why I suddenly feel a huge void again. I thought I was finally reaching a point where I could live each day without constantly thinking about you and the regrets I still hold on to. I try to release these emotions through writing but I seem to get nowhere. I have gone back and read journals. I have spent time alone attempting to figure out some way to make it through life without you here. My days consists of questioning my own feelings and wondering if I can ever have the "bright future" that you once said was ahead of me. Dad you are missed plain and simple. 

I am not one to regret the path I have been led to walk. I have done my best to keep my faith strong as my world felt as if it was crumbling.  My faith has allowed me to see that my life is nothing short of an array of circumstances leading me to the place I currently reside. These circumstances make me who I am, have shaped my life, and light my path. One goal I have is to see the positive side to each trial I am forced to face knowing that the end result will always make me a stronger individual. I have had the chance to see my strength grow in so many different situations. While growing in my strength my faith has also grown, as well as my ability to trust Gods path for my life. Along with the positive result of the circumstances that occur there is also a mental battle that takes place. 

The mental battle that seems to overtake is a fight between what the mind needs and what the heart is lacking. The heart can be lacking a wide variety of things allowing the mind to take over and confusing what you once knew to be right. In my situation, I know my dad is in Heaven with God and beside him is my grandma and grandpa. I also know that all others who have gone before are also with him. I know he is smiling down on me and always with me. I know I am lucky to have such an amazing angel. I also know if my dad was here the last thing he would want is for me to be sad. Although I know each of these things I can also feel the confusion my mind is going through. I can sense the anger that has overtaken my heart. I haven't wanted to be angry but for some reason now I am. The pain has been overbearing at times. The hole in my heart seems to only be increasing. When all is said and done I just miss my dad and wish he were here. 

Grief has a way of creeping up on you and it can bring you down very quickly. Grief also has it's own form of depression and that depression can show up at different points of the journey. Grief is also very personal. It's something that is unique to each person that goes through it. Each of us deals with grief on our own terms and in our own way. Nobody has the right to tell someone who is dealing with a tragic event how they should handle each situation. Death is not dealt with the same by any two people. We each deal with the loss of a loved one in different ways and times. Those of you who have yet to lose someone close to you are unable to prepare yourselves for how you will handle it. There is just no way of knowing how you will respond. Those who understand this or are willing to understand provide the best support for someone grieving. 

Just as one changes with age, one also changes once forced to deal with a tragic event. The person that existed before that day is no longer the same individual. Its near impossible for life changing events to not change the people involved. The word "normal" can no longer be used in the sense of wishing that things or people would go back to how they used to be. My name is still Taylor just as it always has been. The things I once had a passion for I still have a passion for. The things that were important to me are still important to me. If anything those things that were important to me have only grown to be more important. My heart for helping others is now more prominent. The empathy and compassion I once had is now a forefront in my life. The I love you's and hugs are more frequent. The simple ways of reminding people I care about them are a huge part of my daily life. The simple ways of showing people how much they mean is an even bigger deal. No, I am not the same person. I have changed. In some ways I have changed for the worse but at the same time also for the better. That is grief and there is no stopping it. 

I know how difficult it is at times to be supportive to someone who is battling the loss of a loved one. Its a constant struggle and I remember feeling helpless. It was one of the first times in my life where I knew I could do nothing to help other then be there in anyway I possibly knew how. But I also knew in reality it didn't change how they felt.  Each time I contacted the person I was nervous about saying the wrong thing or more importantly not saying enough. I knew I couldn't fill that void they were feeling, yet that was all I wanted to do. Just as I deal with my own grief I also had to learn to deal with a close friends grief. Sometimes I think my friends have it worse. They have to attempt to read my mind and know when I need someone. They spend their days wondering how I am without being able to see me. Once they have me on the phone they feel like the words in their heart aren't good enough for what I need. All they want is to see me smiling again, truly happy and living the life I have always strived to live. I know it's not easy being there for me. I also know how it feels to wish you had your friend back or for things to be how they used to be. The memories you once shared seem as if they no longer matter or better yet they have forgot all about those moments that mean so much to you. The person that once was there for you is unable to fully be there for others because they can't even be there for themselves. You also feel as if you lost someone, your friend. 

I wish I could sit here and say that the person I once was will return one day but I would be lying. Forever, for the rest of my life there will be a huge hole in my heart that can never be filled. Over time I will learn how to live with that space and I will find things that make the hole seem less deep. I will learn to accept what has taken place and no longer feel guilt or regret. People will change my life and help keep me smiling. True happiness will return for good and not just for a few short months. My life will have meaning and the choices I make will impact others in a positive way rather than a negative way. Those close to me will feel like they have their friend back and they won't feel like they have to worry constantly.

For now, although it seems as if I am running away or pushing people away, the truth is I am not. I spend my days trying to figure out ways to make it through this. I pray that God will help me because ultimately He is the only one who can. I keep to myself because I feel it is what I need. Do I want to talk to people about what I am feeling? Of course I do, but I am somewhat at a loss for words for what exactly I am going through. I am unable to fully express how I feel. I have the choice to ask for help when I feel I need to. I also have the choice to not ask for help and attempt to make it through this on my own terms. This is my journey through grief. Ultimately, I am the one who has to make it through this. I am not asking anyone to accept walking it with me especially those who feel they can't. I need time to figure things out. I need to try to work through what I am truly feeling without being told that I am not handling it in the proper way. For once, I need to stop listening to how everyone else wants me to be and do what I feel is best. For some of you it may be hard to do that. As for others, you have been doing that all along. I am not trying to push people away, it's actually the last thing I am trying to do. I am incredibly thankful for the friends I have. I don't have much of a family and a lot of you have become the family I have needed through all of this. I would honestly be lost without some of you by my side. But, right now I just need people to understand that there are a lot of things I need to work through. I am currently taking the steps I feel are right. It may be slower then what you would like or not the way you would process it all, but please be willing to accept it. It's not self-pity although it may look that way. To be honest, I am unsure how to describe it but I am doing some searching within. I am trying to learn to not rely so much on everyone else. I am relying on my faith to get me through this. I am spending more time alone because being around people constantly doesn't help the ones I'm around and doesn't fully help me. Yes, it keeps me smiling and laughing but then I go home an still feel the same way. I don't want it to be that way anymore.

My hope is that each of you who reads this who are also apart of my life takes one second to understand my reasoning for this email. It's not meant to hurt anyone and it definitely has nothing to do with the friends you have been. The purpose is to have an understanding of what is going on in my mind and heart. I also hope you can see where I am coming from even if you don't agree. Once again when all is said and done I fully appreciate what my friends have done for me and will continue to do. I love each of you so very much and I am grateful for your friendship.

With Love,

Tay

Grief Ever So Present

I can't say when this occurred but at some point I became comfortable with speaking of my father in the past tense. The other day I found myself saying that "I loved my dad so much". As, I wrote that statement I stopped for a second and really thought about what I had said. I have also heard myself say my dad loved this song and that he used to get specific meals at restaurants I have been to recently. For some reason it seems normal to speak of him as a part of the past. I have even noticed that I am much better at handling the moments where I am asked when he passed away. It's no longer a shock and I am able to respond that he passed away a year and a half ago. I have come to terms that he is no longer here and won't be coming back. However, the area I still continue to struggle with is when someone else speaks of their father. I don't necessarily immediately shift my focus to my father every single time but there are moments where he is all I can think of. There are even those times where I am around other fathers and I find myself having a difficult time. It's not that I am jealous of  these people and their ability to still share time with their fathers, but rather a wish for my dad to be here with me. 

Even with the hard moments a positive change is that my thoughts aren't constantly shifted towards my dads death. However, I do find myself just wanting to talk about him and speak of his life. It doesn't matter who is listening I just feel that he lived a life worth talking about. He is a hard person to forget and because of that I think about him every single day. I think about him when I hear a song that reminds me of him. When I drive by his favorite restaurant Yannis. Or when I watch soccer, football or hockey. Especially Notre Dame, the Steelers, or the Penguins. At times all I can do is smile when things remind me of him. For the most part these things have just become part of my daily routine. But with those moments of happiness are also moments of sadness. Moments where all I can do is cry because I need him here. Those are the moments that are too difficult and the impact that memory has on my heart is too much to handle. It is then that I am just left in tears without words to describe my emotions. 

When asked about my father, I feel like I am unable to describe him. To those who did not know him my stories and memories don't seem to paint a complete picture. They stare at me and smile wishing they could understand what makes my face light up but in reality they cant truly know. I see it in their eyes, they wish they understood what I was feeling and knew how to help. In those situations the only thing they are able to see is the life and story of this little girl that was his daughter. Those moments can be so difficult because how do you actually depict someone through stories? It's impossible. The moments I am reminded that I can't adequately explain him, it absolutely crushes me. It's in those moments that I feel a loss for words. Days that are important to me aren't important to everyone else. Its not that those people don't care it's just they don't understand the importance behind it all, the meaning that makes that day what it is. There are so many things that most people in my life are unable to understand. Its not their fault, most of them just never had the chance to meet my father. They never had the opportunity to see the little things about his life that made him so special. I wish they would have because then it may make more sense to them why I miss him so much. Why my days seem incomplete without him. Why I hate going home at the end of the day. My days are this way because he is no longer here. It's part of the reason it was so hard for me to take his picture down from my Facebook. Yes, a stupid social media website, but it was the one place where I felt like any time someone went to my page they would at least remember who my dad was. They would remember how important he was to me and the impact he had on my life. The thing that scares me the most is that he will be forgotten. That on those days where all I need is someone to not necessarily understand but to just be there, that they won't be. 

The worst part is I don't even know where all this is coming from. The fear, worry, hopeless thoughts, pain, crying, feeling of being alone and constant need for people to show they are there but not actually wanting to be around people. These are the emotions that surround my day. I cry for what seems to be no reason. I miss my dad and just wish he was here. Nothing seems to make any of it better. All I want to do is sleep but when I do sleep its never very well. I ask myself the question, "when will this all be over?, when will I be back to the old me?" I finally felt like I was finding myself. I was happy with who I was. I was enjoying life. I had found what seemed to be a true happiness and it could be seen on my face. Now all anyone see's is pain and suffering. I know low's are common but it's been almost two years and I'm not willing to accept low's like this one. I am hoping that with the Heart Walk coming up that I will break through this. Maybe I need that day to come and go so I can move on. Or I may need to start looking at other options. Options that help me take time to breathe and relax. I do have some things coming up at the end of September that I have been looking forward to so hopefully those plans will help me keep moving. My shoulder has also been repaired, which means each step I take from here on out is a step up rather than backwards.

I feel like in the last week I have been in a better place. Of course, when I am alone I still find myself thinking about my dad way too often and wishing he was here. I made it through a surgery without him. I handled the stress and emotion that comes with surgery the best way I could. The healing process hasn't been the easiest because sitting at home is not an easy thing for me but I know it's what I need. Mentally it may bring me back a few steps but hopefully it will equal out because physically I will feel much better. I know taking time to heal is the best thing for me but it's probably the thing I am the worst at. Anyone that knows me, knows this to be true. Without a say in the matter I must accept the outcome and rest. My hope is that as my shoulder heals my heart also goes through some more healing. In the past few weeks I have been reminded that grief is there, still living and breathing. No matter how much I want it to be gone I cant run from these feelings. I can't escape the fact that I lost my dad at a young age. It's a part of me and although I am no longer looked at as the girl who lost her dad, the people close to me are still reminded of my journey on those days where all I want to do is cry. Luckily I have a group of people in my life who try to understand what I am going through. It is those people who are there for me on the days where all I need is for someone to be by my side telling me I will make it through this. Although in my heart I know that to be true, it's still nice to hear it at times.

So, with all that being said I will keep walking and keep hoping for a better day. I will work on figuring out my life and regaining the strength I once had to pull through these difficult times. I will rehab my shoulder with everything I have so I can get back to doing the things that I love to do. It will be these things that help me get back to where I was.

God Bles,
Tay

Difficult Lesson

Today I was quickly reminded that although I have made huge leaps in my journey through grief there are still going to be days that are difficult to bear. This week has been a rough one for me. It could be the exhaustion of everything I have been doing for the past few months or even the down time I have had. Some of you may wonder why down time would cause this reaction but for at least the past four months I have been on a constant go. My life has consisted of one fundraiser after another followed by events and event planning. Since my grandma passed away I have had very little time to relax and think about what has taken place in my life. I seem to function better when I don't have time to contemplate my life. Being busy and living a life of service is when I am at my best. You can hear the excitement in my voice and exhaustion tends to be on the back burner. Somehow, for the most part, I am able to find an indomitable will to fight through whatever is thrown my way. As my life slows down I am quickly reminded of the pain in my heart of those I have lost. I am reminded of the memories that I wish I could return to, as well as the emptiness that fills specific pieces of my day. I tend to do my best to be as strong as I possibly can but with that comes moments where weakness wins. It's at those moments that strength seems impossible to find and I see myself as the person I hate to be. I become extremely vulnerable and afraid to let people in to that part of my life. Unfortunately, today was one of those days that I was unable to hide what I was feeling.

About two months ago I injured my shoulder exercising. Since then I have been doing physical therapy to attempt to regain what I continue to lose. It's been a rough road for me because with shoulder pain has come extreme headaches and the inability to do a lot of things I love to do. My daily life consists of a job that forces me to constantly be using my arms so not using my right arm has been near impossible. The craziness of my life hasn't allowed me the ability to relax and heal. Some days have been much worse than others. There have been days where every single thing I do is incredibly painful but I just can't shut myself down completely. I have been forced to quit playing soccer and have been unable to truly workout how I love to. Not being able to workout has been very difficult because it forces me to deal with the stress of my life in ways that don't work as well. I am the type of person that needs to release what I am feeling because holding on to those emotions only build up to the point where I can no longer handle what I'm bottling up inside. I have been lucky because with the business of my life I have been able to handle my emotions and release them in different ways. Being able to help others allows me to keep moving forward. It defines me as a person and I feel as if I have a purpose that is so much greater than all else.

However, today was a follow up appointment for my shoulder. It was an appointment meant for making a decision on what to do with my shoulder. Tests that have been done have been inconclusive and the doctor is unsure what path to take. I was told today that it's my decision what I want to do. My choices are more tests or having it scoped where he will do an noninvasive surgery to determine what is causing me so much pain. Of course the decision is difficult because in reality nothing could be wrong and nobody wants to have or do a surgery without knowing if something is truly needing repair. The issue is that even with more tests its unsure what will be seen and at the end of the day I will still question what is causing me constant pain. I was left with the decision to make with those I trust including those at work who have been there every step. As he finished talking to me I could immediately feel the emotions rising. For some reason I felt lost and unable to decide what would be best. Suddenly I felt left with a decision I wasn't prepared to make on my own. Decisions like this one had always been made with one person by my side, my dad. Suddenly, my eyes were filled with painful and lonely tears. I haven't felt alone in a long time but today it hit, and it hit hard. I could not stop crying.

All of this took place this morning. Although my week was difficult I woke up in a good mood. I was able to get some sleep last night and I was looking forward to being at work all day. I was in a mood of wanting to learn. I taught my class this morning as I usually do on Fridays and then left to go to my doctors appointment. Returning to work after my appointment I was a much different person. I thought I would be able to control my emotions after releasing some of them but upon entering the clinic and having to answer questions those lonely unsure feelings returned. You would think that someone who has been through nine surgeries wouldn't be afraid of another one but the truth is I am. The reason I am so afraid is because the one person that has always stood by my side through every one of those is no longer by my side. The person who has given me guidance and put my health in the forefront is no longer here to provide me with the advice I need at this moment in time. Everything in me at that moment wanted to pick up my phone and call my dad. I wanted him to tell me that no matter what I decided that I would be just fine because he would be there every step of the away. Feeling alone with no family support was too much for me to take at the time. Hiding what I was feeling was impossible. Some of those people who witnessed what I was going through were people who have never seen me in that state. They witnessed the weakness that I hate sharing with people. The side of me that I am ashamed of. I felt in a panic, which I haven't actually felt in a very long time. To not be in control of what was happening scared me and sitting here right now it's difficult to even talk about it.

The truth is as much as I want grief to not be apart of my life there really is no escaping it. It's not who I am by any means but it is apart of my life. The cloud of grief that hangs over my head will always exist because nothing can bring back my dad and the role he played in my life. Moments in my life where he should be there will feel empty because something will always be missing. The thing that will be missing is his presence at that time. Losing someone really doesn't go away with time. Nope, it sure doesn't. But...what does happen is you learn how to continue walking forward with your life. You learn to deal with each difficult situation. The moment you make it through one you are then forced to make it through another. Each day is another day without your loved one and waking up without them is only part of the battle. Throughout the day you are forced to make the best of each situation that presents itself. You are asked to give back in their memory and to live life with a purpose. It's your job to live a life that has meaning, a life that they would be proud of you for. I do my best each day to make my dad proud. To be honest, each day I wake up with a goal to make my dad smile. I want to make him proud of me. Every single day I want him to look down on me with a tear in his eye because he can see that I am living the life he would want of me. A life that's purpose is to change others lives, and to constantly affect people positively.

I am not perfect, actually I am far from it. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and have done things that I am not proud of. Facts are, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. The ultimate question is how will you grow from those mistakes you have made? How will you take a tragic event that has occurred in your life and make it positive? It's days like today where I look in the mirror and feel very disappointed in how I walked. It's as if today was a waste and the idea of living each day as it were my last means nothing. If today would have been my last, the impression people had of me would not be what I would want them to remember. Yes, in the eyes of most people days like today are "allowed". These are considered days you go through when you lose someone you love or in my case lose two people I love deeply. I hate using that as an excuse. I hate when I hear that it's okay for me to have hard days. I want people to push me to be the best that I can. I don't want to be allowed days like this. Nothing, and I mean nothing can bring back my dad. At what point do I fully accept that and no longer wish I could change it? At what point do I start living my life for me and move on from what has taken place? Of course it's not fair I can admit that, but most things in life aren't. It doesn't mean that you allow the unfairness of life to be your driving force. If you allow that to dictate your life you are going to have a rough path.

Do your best to never view life as being unfair. Every single person is challenged daily, some more than others, but those who are challenged more frequently is due to what they will do with those challenges. God knows what you can handle, believe it or not He really will only give you what you can handle. If you feel like your life has been one difficult trial after another it's probably because the challenges you have faced have been a driving force in your ability to change the world. All of us have more power then we are ever willing to give ourselves credit for. Some of us have been instilled with a heart to help from the time we were born. From the moment you entered this world the gift of being born allowed immediate changes to occur on this world. As a baby you were born with a specific purpose and with that comes the power to alter the earth in some way or another. If you haven't figured out your purpose keep striving to be the best you can be. If in your heart you know exactly what you are meant to do don't ever stop until you reach that point.

Today was a realization that although I wish my journey with grief was finished I must accept that it never will be. I will have many more challenges where I am faced to fight through the loneliness that comes with being without a father and for me a best friend. I must accept that the tears will flow and that those tears will be shown to the world. All I can do is allow people to be there and allow them to witness that side of me. Hiding what is inside is unfair to those people who truly care and want to be there for me. I have so many people in my life that care about me. I am lucky to have the support that I do because without most of them I would have nothing. Losing a father who was always there and then a grandma that I could tell anything to has left gaping holes in my communication line but there are people who want to fill part of those holes. I have everything inside me to make it through these tough days and what's missing in my heart is all around me. I have been blessed with amazing friends, in which some have become family. I am me, and people love me for who I am. I am my fathers daughter and I am more like him then I ever would have admitted as a child. It is now a compliment when someone tells me that I am a lot like my father. I want to be like him. I want to have a heart like he had. More importantly I want to to have the affect that he had on the lives of those people around him. I have a lot to work up to but each day I can become one step closer to that goal.

My father is my reason for living each day as if it were my last. As corny as this may sound, he is the air that keeps me breathing. He truly makes me want to be the best person I can possibly be. I trust that the answer to what I should do about my shoulder will overwhelm my heart and I will know that he is there guiding my way. I also trust that he truly is there and that he is apart of every single thing I do, each and every day. I have so much love for my dad and my grandma. I am thankful they are together and until I am with them my goal will be to make them as proud as I possibly can. Keep smiling and striving.

With love,
Tay

A Very Good Update On My Life

It's been a year and 8 months since I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack. My dad was everything to me. He was the one who always supported me and was always there. My friends loved when he was around because he constantly made them laugh. I on the other hand was embarrassed because of the things he would do and say. It's pretty interesting how the minute someone is gone the things you miss the most are the ones that used to annoy you. At this point you no longer consider anything they did to be annoying and the situations that made you mad fade away. The specific times and events that I choose to remember are no longer the moments my dad upset me. To be honest there are only a few memories that truly stand out. 

When you lose someone close to you the world is a much different place. The trials that once seemed impossible to make it through suddenly seem possible. It's amazing but you begin to see the real meaning of life. You start to understand the importance of living each day for what it's worth rather than worrying about what tomorrow will be. You find yourself slowing down enough to really take in what is going on around you. And most importantly you start to realize who and what truly matter. The I love you's become more common and not just to say it but actually putting true meaning behind it. It's an understanding that being able to say those words to that person may never happen again. 

Grief is a word thrown around so frequently. However, it's a word that has a variety of meanings. The way I view grief will be much different then the way someone else views it. My grief is even going to be different then people in my family. It's a hard concept at the time because you feel too much pain to think any one person may be hurting more. It's difficult to see through your own suffering to be there for someone else at their time of need. Unfortunately grief tears people, families and lives apart. It's easy to get stuck in a poor me attitude and never find your way out of it. The reason it's so easy is because you have every right in the world to feel that way. Losing someone you love isn't fair and it's not right but it also happens. Each day a large number of people lose a loved one. The real question is what are you going to do about it? Are you going to never wake up from what has happened in your life and stay miserable forever? Or are you going to wake up each morning and realize that there are things so much greater?

After my dad passed away I was that person that felt lost and unable to see any light. I struggled with the question of being able to go on. Each night I wondered why I was here and couldn't understand why the one person I needed so badly in my life wasn't there for me. I started to think I would never be the same person I once was, the person who loved life and cared so deeply for others. I contemplated my future and at times my existence. I believed in my heart that my life couldn't and wouldn't ever be the same. For the first time in my life I felt hopeless and the fight in me seemed to be diminishing daily. 

I am not exactly sure when things began to change for me but over time it happened. I renewed the hope I once had and understood it would take a lot for me to make it through the death of my father. I accepted the challenge of beginning to rebuild my life and learn to live without my dad. I quickly found myself striving to be the best person I could be each day I was given. Work became much more then a job, my passion grew and I had a drive to work as hard as I could. I found myself understanding why my dad connected so well with patients and I began connecting more with the people around me. I believed in myself and knew I had something to offer. 

At that time I knew I wanted to give back to the association that gave so much. I decided to create a Heart Walk team that would raise money for AHA. A few weeks later I would join forces with Kristen and began Give'N'GetFit aimed at raising money for cancer, heart disease and stroke. Once again I found something that kept my mind off my life and forced me to work as hard as possible. It allowed me to put my passion for serving into something so much greater. I had no time to sit and cry over what I had lost. Of course some days were still difficult but the difficult days were becoming much less often. 

Give'N'GetFit has been a blessing for me. When we began our fundraising journey we never knew it would be where it is now. It has allowed me to cope with my losses and forced me to always find good in what I do each day. I believe in my heart that surrounding myself around so much positivity has helped me cope with my most recent loss, which was the death of my grandma. I am now able to see a new side to death and don't just see the negativity. Death is never going to be easy no matter who it is but behind all the darkness there is a small glimmer of light. If we use that light and allow it to shine we become capable of anything. 

This weekend as I was walking at Relay For Life, it was 2am and all I could think about was the amazing people that surrounded me. I had the chance to listen and learn about people who have had to fight some of the hardest battles anyone has had to face. I have met incredible individuals of all ages that have affected my life in more ways than one. The friendships I have built and the memories shared are everlasting. I finally feel like I know who I am. I have reached a point in this grief journey where I no longer feel lost and no longer question my purpose. My purpose is to continue fighting. Although some are no longer here, I must do what I can while I am still blessed to be on this earth. The fight they attempted to never give up on is now meant to be fought by me in their memory. 

It's amazing to see the support that's all around. People keep asking if I am glad the big events are over and my answer to that is I can't really say. Yes, of course a little break to catch up on sleep is nice but is it weird to say that I am already missing the fact that most of our fundraising for this year is finished. I find myself already thinking about how to make things better for next year. Now that I have seen the growth in just one year, it makes me smile to think of how we can continue to reach new heights. I found myself driving home from work tonight with a constant smile because of the incredible lives being touched through Give'N'GetFit. The most amazing part is the lives that have yet to be affected by one of the diseases but now have a drive to join us in the fight. 

I am excited for what's ahead. I am actually very proud of where I came from and where I am. That's not usually something I would find myself saying but I know that at some point I must give myself credit for what I have achieved since losing my father. I am thankful that my dad and grandma have been by my side helping me to never give up. I look forward to what the next few years will bring. I also look forward to changes in my life that allow me to continue growing. I will welcome those changes because ultimately my main goal is to help as many people as possible. Grief can't decide who you are but if you let it take over it becomes much more difficult to figure out who you once were. Each morning choose life. Choose to find the positives and allow yourself to view the world in its beauty. Slow down and realize there are so many amazing things all around you. Do your best to gain strength with each trial  because without suffering there would be no compassion. Last but not least never give up and don't ever stop smiling!

1st Annual Give'N'GetFit Golf Tourney

I attempted to blog last night knowing that writing was needed in order for me to move forward. However, as I read those words this morning I didn't feel the same way. Today was a hard day for me. I'm not exactly sure why but getting back into things was far from easy. My thoughts have been racing since Saturday causing me to feel very emotional at times. Exhaustion probably isn't helping at all. However, please know these thoughts are not negative by any means. I am rather overtaken by joy and appreciation! Thoughts of my dad have been at a constant since Saturday, which has made me want to escape life for a little and once again work through what is going on in my head. Of course I miss him, but on Saturday I wanted him by my side. I wanted him to see what we had done and needed to know that he was proud of me. I know he is proud of me but having that person actually tell you that means so much more. 

Saturday July 21st, 2012 will go down as the day we put on our 1st Annual Give'N'GetFit Golf tournament. Although we only spent two months planning, it felt as if it took much longer. I have a new found respect for every single person who attempts big fundraising events. Not to say that we didn't learn some of this last year with our first ever attempt at fundraising, but this was different. The weeks leading up were filled with little sleep, a variety of emotions and a schedule that left very little time to even breathe. Thankfully being so busy allowed me to stay focused on the task ahead rather then anything else.

My dad loved to golf. He felt that the minute you stepped foot on the course nothing else in life mattered. It allowed him time to take in the world in a very different manner then his everyday life. He found joy in forgetting the stress of his life and bonding with friends. I truly believe that on Saturday a number of people felt that same emotion. It was such a beautiful day and Mt Woodson is absolutely breathtaking. I couldn't have asked for a better place to hold our first ever golf tournament. Kristen and I were amazed at the emotions that filled the air by each and every person. On this day, one person after another showed their love and support to the two of us. They expressed their sincere gratitude in our fight for these two causes. It was pretty awesome to see the effect this event had on a lot of people. The stories shared, the smiles and the pictures are constant reminders that what we are fighting for is something that affects so many others. The small things about this tournament made it completely worth it. It proved to me that people really can gain hope through another's fight, as well as their story.

Our tournament consisted of 58 golfers and at least another 15 volunteers. In my eyes that is such an incredible turn out. Two weeks ago we were very nervous that our efforts would come short of our goal. Kevin, Kristen, myself and so many others buckled down and fought to make it everything it turned out to be.  I am thankful for the effort so many of you put out to get us the numbers we had. I am also so grateful to have two amazing people by my side that believe there is so much more to life.This tournament would have been impossible without the help of Kevin. He was our golf knowledge and provided us with every detail we needed to make this tournament successful. On top of that he was support on days where we questioned if things would workout. Each day we all grew closer and found out things we probably never wanted to find out lol but it was a blast. Kristen has been just like a big sister should be. She has been there since the day my dad passed and has provided me with so much support. Our hearts are similar in a lot of ways, which gives us this incredible strength to never stop fighting for what we believe. Being able to team up with people that are willing to fight as hard as you are only changes more lives in the process. I feel blessed to have you both in my life and hope you both feel proud of what we have achieved.

We are unsure at this point how much money we raised on Saturday but in reality it's not important. This tournament proved to me that awareness is just as important if not more important. I witnessed first hand lives being touched by the support shown on one day. Each of you that showed up affected the lives of so many others. Your support and willingness to spend money on a cause is proof that among all the negative in this world there is still so much positive. I fully believe that each of us has the ability to change the lives of at least one person. We have the ability to bring more good into this world and more smiles. No matter what your circumstance may be, step back, look around and notice you have a place here on earth. You have a chance each day to touch a life but you must believe that as one person you can make a difference.

I am proud of what GIve'N'GetFit has been able to achieve thus far. I am proud to be apart of something that is slowly changing the lives of so many people. Our efforts won't stop here. We hope to continue this fight for the rest of our lives. The story behind why we fight will never die and we will continue to make our mark on this world. It's like that quote says, "people may not remember exactly what you said, but they will remember what you did and how you made them feel." My personal goal is to never lose hope and never stop fighting.

Thank you again. Thank you for being there and showing your support. I appreciate the texts and calls from those of you who could not be there. We had a blast and the pictures are proof of that. Keep fighting and never stop showing others the love in your heart. God Bless!

Two amazing people! Love you both! :)

Much Love,

Tay Tay

June 11, 2012 in Retrospect

As I sat with my grandma on June 11 2012 I searched through her Bible, which she had got in 1982. The Bible I held in my hand was older then I was and for a moment I felt connected to my grandma in a whole new way. I sat there and read some of the notes she had wrote throughout the years and it brought me back to conversations we had together. I had hoped to sit and read to her but she wanted to rest.

Time passed by and I continued to search for a verse that could bring her peace as she lay still wincing in pain, but nothing seemed like the right words. I knew that there were some verses dealing with death in 1 Thessalonians so I attempted to search for the one I was thinking of. Moments later things took a turn and my attention immediately shifted to my grandma. At 4:16 my grandma would take her last breath. I sat there and held her hand remembering one of the verses that I always had fit her life so well. The verse is 1 John 4:16, which says, 

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." 

I couldn't think of a better verse to explain how my grandma lived her life. She loved the Lord with her entire heart. Even as she fought cancer she never stopped believing in His love and grace. She was a witness to the love of Christ and she had no fear of sharing His love to anyone she came in contact with.

Later that day on the train, I decided to look at 1 Thessalonians 4:16. I felt like her time of death had to have a meaning of some kind. I read what the verse said and also read the ones above and below. I was very surprised to read what verses 13-18 said. 

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever. So encourage each other with these words." 

These verses filled my heart with more hope then I have had in months, probably since before my dad passed away. I suddenly felt at ease and could start to process what had taken place not only on this day but every day since December 23, 2010.

I began contemplating life and once again death, however, this time I wasn't as scared. I knew I had been through something difficult and sitting here today I know that it will still be difficult the days that follow. But in retrospect no matter how hard it all was I wouldn't have changed a thing. I can now say that without a doubt, in my situations,  knowing death may occur at any point is much easier then not knowing. I am so thankful that I had the chance to spend the day with my grandma and say everything I said, especially how much I loved her. I am thankful that I had the strength in me to finally listen to the songs played at my fathers service for the first time since that day knowing that they were my grandmas favorite songs. I am thankful she was surrounded by family and love because I know how much pain it brought her knowing my father was alone.

Last but not least, I am thankful God gave me another look at death. A friend mentioned that to me the other day and as I began thinking about it I realized how much truth that statement held. When my dad passed away I was in so much pain and felt so much regret at the things left unsaid. I questioned if I could have done more or should have been there to help him. Like my grandma, l was upset that I wasn't there for him when he needed someone most. The worst part of it all was the fear I lived with for a very long time. The fear that someone else in my life would quickly be taken from me. The fear that I would come home to another note on the door. I was living a lot of aspects of life in fear of what could possibly occur. I had lost all trust with life and I think I even lost some faith in the process of death. I also was unsure how to move on with my life. I felt like I was leaving way too much behind me and that without my dad it wasn't right to move forward.

Moving forward, although hard, has been exactly what I needed. I needed to learn to find happiness again, true happiness. My grandma would tell me all the time that my dad was happy and that he had waited a long time to finally be with his dad. Recently, it hit me that it was selfish of me to be upset and not move forward with my life. My dad never got to have time with his dad that every child truly deserves to have. So, as my grandmas time came near I knew that all I needed to do was reassure her that she could go home. I told her over and over that it was okay and that it was her time to go. As she gasped for air I felt like I could see what was happening. Of all the people in the room I had a huge smile on my face. It felt wrong but I couldn't stop smiling. Her blue eyes stared into mine and she was beaming. Although she wanted to keep fighting she also knew what was in front of her. I wanted her to be free of cancer, free of the burden of carrying a disease that took so much and ultimately free of pain. As I held her hand she would squeeze strongly and I felt her security. That security will never leave me.

It may sound weird to hear me say that I am thankful for a second look at death and it may not be something most people say. However, after the darkness I have lived through since my dad passed, it was pretty amazing to see so much light surround a death. My grandma knew where she was headed, I know where she is and that made everything that much easier. I saw her strength until the end and I know that she lived her life giving everything she possibly could. She had a great life and I feel honored to have been apart of it. Her life is a testimony to the faith and trust one should have, as well as, the love one can have for the Lord. She is amazing in my eyes and I only hope to be as good of a person as she was. Makes perfect sense why my dad was the person he was. They were so much a like. Their hearts and passion for caring for others was always first before all else.

I now have two amazing angels and with them by my side I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I have so much strength carrying me down my life path. I'm not sure where I am headed but I know there is something special ahead. I know with God and my two angels directing my life the possibilities are endless. My life has meaning, your life has meaning and together we can make someone else's life have meaning. We also have the ability to change lives for the better one day at a time. Smile and be thankful for what you do have and try to make the best out of every situation that presents itself. Even in the darkness lies little holes of light and as time passes the world won't seem so dark anymore. The important thing is never give up and never stop fighting!

"To breathe is a hope that we would live for one more second. To pray is a hope that He will watch us for some more time. And to live is a hope that we will keep the lamp of hope kindled."

With Love,

Taylor