Heartfelt Honesty

Usually when I decide to write it's after I have spent a decent amount of time processing what is going through my mind and heart. Once I actually sit down and write I re-read it over and over making sure that I don't sound like I am just stuck in some terrible place while also making sure no one else gets hurt in the process. Tonight may be a different story. My choice to write tonight is because of the millions of emotions I am feeling along with the billions of thoughts rushing my mind. I have been extremely off the last couple days. Not myself at all. I am exhausted. I am not talking about the exhausted that you can just sleep off. This is different. I am emotionally drained. I have had so many up's and downs lately when it comes to my emotions and I have truly done my best to stay positive through it all but I think I have reached that point where it's too much. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and it's not a ride I want to be apart of. All I want is to just be alone but I know thats not whats best for me. I want to talk about what I am feeling but when I try nothing seems to come out. I don't know how to just let people be there for me. I would rather just shut myself off from the world and hope for the best. Maybe this will be good for me to say what's truly on my heart.

Every time I think I have a grasp on what grief is all about I am quickly reminded that I don't. There is never a way of knowing what I will feel each day. Some days its difficult to even get out of bed and put a smile on my face. Those days it takes every ounce of energy to still give to others. But by the end of the day I am able to recognize that giving so much was what I needed. If you had the opportunity to read my post from yesterday you may have noticed some frustration expressed in my writing. To be honest, I didn't notice it until I went back and looked over what I had wrote. However, you can feel tension in my words and those feelings are an internal battle for me. Some people lately are choosing to spend more time questioning me about my choices and life rather then taking the time to ask why those things are important. Yes, I have been spending a lot of time at the gym but that's what I need. It has nothing to do with anyone else, it's what I want and what is best for me right now. I also may want to be alone more often than not, or only want to be around specific people, but all those needs have a purpose. Maybe I just want to put things in my own life above other stuff. It doesn't mean I don't care about people it just means that for once I need to focus on me. Every other person seems to be fine with being selfish every now and then, so why is it such a shock when I choose to do so? What is important in your life may not be what's important in mine but that leaves no one an excuse to judge or criticize my choices. I am over feeling guilty for the things I need at this point in time.

Unfortunately, two and a half years ago the Taylor that all of you knew was ripped away. Since then that person hasn't truly returned. There are definitely areas where I have grown and changed but there is still a huge part of myself missing. Someone very close to me has helped me see that lately. Those who care enough seem to be able to see it. Even people that just recently met me. I had my life all figured out and my dad was supporting me the entire way. He just wanted to see me succeed and I wanted to see myself succeed. Nothing was going to stop me from reaching my goals. I lived each day as if it were my last and never backed down from any challenge. If you told me then that I was a strong person I would have believed you but at this point it is very difficult for me to see anything but weakness. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to find that person I used to be. Of course I have days where I think that same Taylor returns but for some reason it doesn't stick around long. I don't know if people understand how hard I try or how much I care about being a positive influence. I wake up each day doing everything I possibly can to give all I have to every person I come in contact with. If you don't understand what that feels like then you don't understand how exhausting it can be. If I am having an off day it affects EVERYONE. It hurts people, makes them sad, they take it offensive, or they just shut me out because they don't want to deal with it. Knowing how much my attitude affects others is a heavy weight on my shoulders and sometimes it becomes too much.

A few days ago I read a blog that I have followed since my dad passed away. This person also lost a parent and for the most part I am able to feel very connected to their emotions helping me feel less alone on this journey. I wanted to go back and read their past posts of where they were at the point I am right now. Their blog looked identical to mine. They had days of being happy, positive and inspirational followed by days of just being angry. Along with those posts were posts filled with pain and sorrow, posts where they missed their mom so much that they would just curl up in a ball and cry because that was the only thing left to do. Posts feeling so alone that they wondered if the pain would ever disappear or if their life would always be defined by grief. The worst part was although those posts made me feel better about where I am I also was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for feeling as if my emotions are normal for someone dealing with the loss of a person close to them. It's actually very hard for me to admit that reading that blog made it seem like I was allowed to be feeling what I am. Never once have I wanted to accept what comes along with grief. I think accepting grief is one of the worst things you can do. Maybe this is an area I have really screwed up with. Maybe I do need to just accept grief and allow it to define me but not negatively rather in a positive manner. I am not sure what I need to be honest.

I may not know what I need but I do know what I want. I want things to work out in Colorado. I don't want to run away just because I am going through a hard point in this journey. I want to at least give it a year and then decide what I should do at that point. I want to keep influencing people and being the best friend I can possibly be. I want to continue to grow closer to the friends I have made and spend time with all the new people in my life. I want to see lives being changed and for people to make better life choices. I want to be an inspiration to someone in the world that as long as they have faith and hope they have everything they could ever need. I want to make something of my life and move closer towards a career that I am passionate about. I want to reach my goals for myself and continue to exercise towards my fitness goals.

You may read this list and be thinking she sure wants a lot and getting all those things may be asking too much at this point. However, I wont lose hope for a better future. I may not have a ton of hope at this point but the little hope I do have is enough to give me faith in what God has for me. Knowing that He is behind all that takes place in my life and that He can turn anything into something good is what helps me get out of bed in the morning. I miss my dad so much. I will never not miss him. My hope is that I continue to find ways to succeed in life knowing that he would want to see me make something of myself. He always told me that I would do big things and that this world needed more people like me. I want to see that and most of all I want to believe that. He was amazing. I never imagined living without him but sometimes we are forced to deal with situations that we never wanted to deal with. My dad isn't standing next to me but he is with me. I know he wouldn't leave me alone to walk this journey. Some how, some way I will make it through this...

God Bless,
Tay

An Array of Thoughts

Today was one of the hardest days I have had in the gym in a while. I woke up feeling very run down as if I am coming down with a cold. My body and mind are drained, physically and emotionally. Actually I had no interest in even going. The weather probably played a role in that because its the perfect weather to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. The worst part was my pre-workout didn't even help.  But I knew I had a plan for the day that I needed to complete no matter how hard it would be. Yesterday I had planned to do a long cardio session today followed by lifting, however that wasn't going to happen. In order to even make it through cardio I had to do 20 minutes on the elliptical and 20 min of incline walking on the treadmill. Let me tell you it was a struggle. Every step I took my body reminded me of how tired it was. All I wanted to do was give up. On top of that it seemed as if every past injury was flared up today. My left calf felt like it wanted to explode, which was only a reminder of my compartment syndrome injury. Luckily, I made it through those very tough 40 minutes. Then there was lifting, the one thing that usually brings me out of any mood I may be in but not today. Once again I battled mind and body. I truly pushed until I had nothing left to give. My arms were shaking, my shoulder was tired, and I just wanted to be finished. It felt as if for two hours I was constantly reminded of my past. The struggles I have been through, the pain, the challenges but also the growth that has occurred because of those trials. Those injuries were what led me to rely on God for strength. They forced me to take a look in the mirror and change my life not just for myself but for everyone around me. Pain can lead to a positive outcome it just depends on how you look at it. You can either stay bitter or allow those struggles to make you better. It's a rough road. A lonely road. And at times it feels as if no one understands. People can walk beside you, help you and support you but they can't do it for you, only you can.

A lot of people don't understand why I spend so much time in the gym. A lot of those same people don't understand why or how I stay so dedicated to diet and exercise. I even think some people have it in their minds that its easy for me. Truth is its not easy at all. I wanted to share my story of today with the sole purpose of explaining that its just as hard for me as it is for you. Of course there are times where getting out of bed hours before I have to is the last thing I want to do. I have those days where it takes everything in me just to get in the car and go to the gym. But to be honest, that is half the battle. I'm not even talking about just the gym in this case, but sometimes just showing up in life is one of the most important things. Now when talking about my diet that may be one of the biggest challenges. It takes a ton of self control and it has taken me a pretty long time to get to the point I am at. I am not perfect and I still have a lot of areas that I want to improve on. I look in the mirror just like every other person and immediately pick apart what I don't like. The only difference compared to some is when I do that I don't accept it. I use it as fuel. It motivates me to push myself. It makes me work harder on those days when all I want to do is quit. I think sometimes we look at people and our jealousy overpowers our ability to truly think of what it took for that person to get where they are. We forget that they have struggled through all those same emotions and still struggle with similar issues. That same jealous feeling blinds our ability to look at someone's life with compassion so instead we judge them. And why are we judging them? We are actually mad at ourselves for not having that strength and will-power. At the time it just seems easier to take it out on them.

My challenge for you is take a look at what's inside your heart. What is fueling you to treat people the way you do or make the comments you make about others lives? Are you feeling some sort of jealousy, bitterness, guilt or maybe even shame? Don't let what's in your heart rob you of love and compassion to others. If you know someone that is extremely passionate about something take a second to ask them why. I'm telling you some of the stories people tell me at the gym or even my friends that now live to workout, what drives them is generally an incredible testimony. Think about that next time you think someone's life is easy or perfect. You have no idea what's behind that hard work. Lastly, as you challenge yourself to look at what's in your heart, challenge yourself to take even one step towards a healthier life. Transfer the time you spend worrying about everyone else and figure out what you can do to make your life better. Maybe it's not necessarily working out, maybe it's something else. Whatever it may be try to find it. Stop making excuses. Forgive those who hurt you and remember that living in the past will block you from what God has for your future. If you love something do it. Allow your life to be as purposeful as it's meant to be.

God Bless,
Tay

Live For Today, There Is No Tomorrow - Exodus 8:10

⁸ Then Pharaoh called Moses and Aaron, and said, “Pray to the Lord to take away the frogs from me and my people, and I will let the people go to sacrifice to the Lord.” ⁹ Moses said to Pharaoh, “Kindly tell me when I am to pray for you and for your officials and for your people, that the frogs may be removed from you and your houses and be left only in the Nile.” ¹⁰ And he said, “Tomorrow.” Moses said, “As you say! So that you may know that there is no one like the Lord our God,

Exodus 8:10 to some may be a seemingly insignificant verse, however for the past week it has been a verse that has constantly been on my mind. I had the privilege of listening to a sermon by a lady from Hillsong United church in Sydney, Australia. I can honestly say that this sermon couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Reaching the 6-month point of my move has brought about a lot of challenges. I had reached a point where I was feeling very home-sick. I haven't necessarily missed San Diego, but I have missed the people in San Diego. I have missed having my own group of friends and different groups to spend time with. It has been a big change, but with change has come a lot of growth. Now that I have gone slightly off topic let me explain the importance of the verses you see above.

Take a second to imagine an entire city filled with gross, annoying, and disgusting frogs. I don't know about you but frogs are nasty and I cant stand listening to their constant "ribbets", especially when it's right outside your room. I will admit that during a rain storm there is something peaceful about a frog making noise and the rain hitting the ground, but besides that and possibly their ability to turn into a prince, there is nothing cute about a frog. It was for this reason that Pharaoh's wife asked him to get rid of the frogs from the city. Pharaoh at that point called Moses and asked him to remove the frogs from the city. Moses response was that all Pharaoh had to do was tell him when he should pray to his God to remove the frogs and his God would remove them. What power our God has! In verse 10 you can clearly see Pharaoh's response, which should be shocking to anyone who reads it. He could have said right now or even tonight but instead he said tomorrow. Why would he want the city to live another night with frogs knowing that Moses had just said that his God could immediately remove them?

At this point you may be wondering, what is the point of this post? The point of this post is that Pharaoh's answer is so incredibly common in the world we live in. We respond to different aspects of life with not even just the response of acting tomorrow but also the mindset of always having the access to respond to all of life's choices, tomorrow. The definition of tomorrow is, "the day after today", yet we don't live in a way of it being AFTER today. We tend to live in tomorrow. What I mean by this is some of us never actually live for today. There is no tomorrow, because once you reach tomorrow it's now today and the tomorrow you just focused so much time on is no longer available. God prepares us with what occurred yesterday in order to deal with today. He expects us to not just exist and think about changing but to actually change, not tomorrow, but today. However, like I said before, some of us never live for today, instead we just exist, always hoping for something better tomorrow. We choose to make tomorrow the day we will change. The problem is once tomorrow becomes today we once again say tomorrow I will do that, tomorrow I will start eating better, tomorrow I will go to the gym, tomorrow I will start being a better friend, or tomorrow I will change my life and make better choices. We choose to spend our today's talking about what we will do tomorrow without ever actually making it to the tomorrow we speak of. In this process the validation of saying "tomorrow I will do...", allows us the contentment as if we already completed what we said we were going to. It is for this reason we never actually act on what we said.

The majority of us have no true understanding of what living in today really means. The issue with this is that we are only promised today, there is no promise of tomorrow. If every person lived for today, the world would be a different place. Love would be shown in the now, lives would be changed today, and the world would be a brighter place to live because people would truly understand the importance of living in the now. We often say to forget the past and worry about the future but in reality yesterday has more meaning then tomorrow. Yesterday has the ability to help us today. It can motivate us, change us, strengthen us, and prove that we no longer have to be suffocated by what happened because it's a new day.Yesterday helps us grow while tomorrow ultimately makes us weaker. Tomorrow allows us the ability to make bad decisions today, accepting our choices because in our hearts and mind we believe that by changing tomorrow it will make those choices better. All the burdens, pain, shame, guilt, and broken pieces must be dealt with today or you will never deal with them. You will live with the frogs of your past forever and begin to accept those frogs as just part of your life. But the fact is you don't have to live with the frogs of your past. The moment you realize change is what you need it must happen in that next moment or the few moments after. Whether it's just one small step or a giant leap, you must be willing to say today I will change, not tomorrow, today.

The facts are the longer you spend talking of tomorrow the more today's you miss and the more today's you miss the less impact you have on the world and the people in it. I am sure you constantly hear people say live for today, but do you even understand what that means? I know one thing it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean you should live in today and just exist because that my friends is not truly living. You have everything inside of you at this moment to have purpose today. You have more strength today in that moment you accept change then you will tomorrow when you wake up or when you press the snooze button to life. Once you finally decide to wake up because you feel you have to, you allow yourself the ability to justify once again the ability to just wait until "tomorrow". Day after day your life revolves around what could happen tomorrow.

I challenge you to live for today, change today, go to the gym today, and don't live today afraid of what could happen tomorrow. Whether you believe it or not you are not promised tomorrow, in fact you are not promised anything because you are apart of a divine plan and unfortunately you have no clue where or when that plan ends. What you should know is that no matter what happens today, you are here for a purpose and your purpose is to love, live and serve in the only moment you are promised. If there is something you want to do, do it now. If you have been putting off working out make today be the day that you change. Don't keep telling yourself what you will do tomorrow and never actually completing it. Every single one of you has more strength and power inside you then you could ever imagine. Don't allow your mind the ability to justify why your past is how you should be living your life today. Whatever has happened in your past is over and the only hold it now has one you is fuel to make a change today. I truly believe in every person on this earth. I believe this world could be a better place if we just woke up each morning and accepted today for what it has to offer. We all have so much power to make the world better. I truly hope that if you get anything out of this post it's that you attempt to live in the now and be grateful for all the amazing blessings you have in your life. We don't know anything about tomorrow and all we can do is have faith that we make it to tomorrows today to see what God has for us.

Change lives, donate, workout, eat better, make better choices, reach for the stars, follow your dreams, inspire, love, challenge, support, and truly live each today as if it's your last. If my life journey has taught me anything it has taught me to live in the now and leave nothing unsaid because unfortunately in the blink of an eye it could be all over. In a heartbeat that person you love more than anything in this world could be gone and at that point you are left with the question of can I make it through today. I now understand that even through all the negatives of grief, the one positive is the appreciation it gives you on the ability to live, not just exist but wholeheartedly live with a goal to change lives. I am thankful that through my loss, my two fathers have shown me the true meaning of love, while also showing me how to truly love others no matter what their circumstances may be. With that being said, I hope that you will take these verses to heart and get at least one thing out of this post. I hope that you marinade on the idea of living in the now and truly ask yourself if you are just existing or if you are doing all you can to change your life today.

“Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don’t rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you’re doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out? You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you , but now you’ll never know.” 

God Bless,
Tay