For the majority of my life I found my identity through playing soccer. When I was asked who I was, what I liked to do, or what I wanted to do, my answer always consisted of something related to the game of soccer. At one point it was wanting to be recruited and play in college but once that came true I felt like my life had began to revolve around the game. It took a couple serious injuries for me to take a step back and realize that soccer wasn't who I was, it just happened to be something I loved to do and was blessed with the ability to play. However, I never really realized how quickly it could be taken from me. Soccer was a game that challenged me to be better and forced me to learn how to fight through so many different obstacles. I learned a lot throughout the years but I truly believe that the most important thing I was taught was that soccer isn't who I am, nor is it who I will ever be.
As you read this post you may be confused as to why I began this post in the way I did. As I continue to write I hope you have a better understanding of my current thought process. Recently, I have found a want/need to run. Running hasn't been something I have been able to do for a few years, and the times I was able to, I was running in pain. I never understood how people were born to run, that question actually still lingers in the back of my mind. The past few years I saw running as a way to train for soccer, but when it came to running for distance, I absolutely hated it. I found it to be boring. My dad was much different then me, he loved to run. He found running to be relaxing and peaceful. He was the type of person that couldn't listen to music as he ran because he felt that it interrupted the peacefulness of the road. Running was his way of releasing emotion and giving his mind a break. I had these talks with him multiple times and each time I attempted to "run at peace", I would of course over think the entire time. Allowing my mind the rest it needs isn't something I am very good at. For me the minute I stepped on the soccer field, nothing else mattered. It wasn't important what had happened throughout my day because at that point there was a task at hand. Unfortunately that game would be taken from me a number of times, and then before I was ready it would end without me realizing what I had lost. It was at this point that soccer was nothing in my life, other than a piece of history.
Lately, I have started the process of searching for a new identity. I realized that after soccer ended, school ended, and the friends I had become so close with moved back home to continue their lives. As I watched my life dramatically change within months, I was incredibly lost. It was at that point that I started making my family more of a priority. I understood the importance of spending time with the people I cared about. I don't know if I was necessarily finding my identity through them but I was definitely in a place of contentment. Once again my world would be shaken to a completely different level.
As the days and months continue, I realize more and more how important my dad was in my life. He was apart of every single thing that took place in my day and the things he wasn't apart of, he made sure he found a way to be. I have had a lot of very tough moments the past few weeks because without him, my life is so incredibly different. It's not a bad thing that my life is continuing to move forward but I haven't been able to accept that it's going to be like that. Not only is it going to be like that right now but it will be like that forever. Knowing that to be the case, I have been trying to find new things that I can do to bring me closer to my dad. This weekend I felt like I had finally noticed a little bit of peace. As I road my bike down the coast, I felt my dad with me. Then, as I ran for the first time outside, like my dad loved to do, I once again felt him with me. Hopefully those are just two ways that I feel closer to my dad, because one of the hardest things in the grief process is finding stuff that allows you to feel close to the one who is gone.
Unfortunately, as time continues I have to remember that I can't find my identity through exercise or other people, because at any point those things could be taken from me. Although my dad is no longer here, I have to push myself to be better, just as he would be doing. He always told me that I would do something great and that I would touch others lives in some way. He forced me to strive to be better and never wanted me to settle. It's been tough to keep pushing forward and I have noticed that the things I feel I am supposed to do, I run away from. I am afraid to take steps forward because he isn't here. I have had a hard time admitting my fear but it's important for me to be honest with what I am feeling. The truth is I am afraid to allow my life to keep moving forward. I don't want to move forward without him. I want him to be here with me and to be apart of all the good that takes place in my life. I think this is a big step for me to work through and I think that I need to make a big step forward. I need to take a risk. I have some options and even if I am not ready to take a big step, there are a few areas of interest that would only help me down the road. I know if my dad was here I would have already taken those steps. He wouldn't be letting me go back and forth like I have been.
I wish I could stop thinking, and I wish I had the strength to continue living the life that seemed so perfect at the time. I had a plan, I had a goal, I saw my future, and then within seconds it was gone, he was gone. What is it going to take for me to continue moving forward? How do I attempt to pick up and continue living the life that he would have wanted for me? Will my life ever be somewhat normal again? I don't want to live a life of contentment. I want to be great at whatever it is that I do. I want to start learning about things that interest me and become a better person. If I want all these things I need to make a move...I am sorry dad, I know this isn't what you want from me.
God Bless,
Tay
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Give and Get Fit - Thank you...but now it's time to join us in our walks!
About two months ago I decided that I wanted to figure out a way to raise money for the Heart Walk, which will be taking place in September. I started to brainstorm different ideas and knew that creating an event that took place at Rehab United would be the most beneficial. There are so many positives to working at Rehab United, but one huge plus is the amount of support that each of us has for one another. My coworkers are my family and there is no denying that, but I also have a huge support group in a lot of the patients that come in regularly. I wanted to focus my time on preparing an event that would be special in so many ways. I pitched the idea to Kristen who has created a team to walk in the Relay for Life this coming weekend in honor of her cousin Katie who has been battling cancer. After an extremely extensive surgery Katie was diagnosed cancer free, which just proves how important it is to raise money for these events.
Sooo...Wednesday night Give and Get Fit took place at Rehab United Kearny Mesa. The number of people that attended is unknown but the turn out was absolutely amazing. We did not have a lot of time to put the event together but we did our best to make it a special night for all who were involved. Kristen and I created poster boards for our two events that consisted of stories of people who have been affected by the two diseases and we allowed people to sign the board. The boards are still up in our clinic and our goal is to have the boards filled up as much as possible. It was incredible to see the support from all who attended. I knew that I had a lot of support behind me but I didn't realize it was that much. It was such a special night.
It's pretty amazing to me that while on the journey through grief you attempt to prepare yourself for days that seem harder than others, but you never really know how it is going to be. The event was something I knew would be a little difficult because it was the first time that I did something in memory of my dad. I kept feeling like I was having to prepare for the service again with all the planning that took place. Writing bio's, choosing food, calling sponsors and donors, and also rushing to get things done was exactly what I went through when planning the service and reception. The only difference this time was that I felt much more aware of the things going on around me. It all felt much more real then it did a week after I lost my dad.
Although I thought that once the event was over life would go back to normal, I was wrong. This past week was undoubtedly one of the hardest weeks I have been through since I lost my dad. I started to feel extremely anxious at the beginning of the week and it only got worse as the week went on. My body went into a complete spasm and I was in a ton of pain. Once the event was over it hit me even more. At that point I was battling a very similar feeling that I felt once the service was over. Thursday I realized that I felt like something was missing. All the time I had been spending trying to plan for the event, meeting with people, and having help all around me was again no longer there. All the emotion behind the event was finished and people were again moving on with their lives as I was still trying to figure out what I was feeling. There were so many different emotions that I didn't know how to deal with all of them. I was extremely happy and moved by the amazing turnout and the support that was shown. I was so gracious for the 1,500 dollars that was raised by having the event. I was also very sad because I missed my dad and knew that he would have loved to be apart of something like this event. And with all that I was also a little angry at a couple things that happened along the way. This may have been the first time that I was forced to deal with so many emotions at one time.
Friday would be the day that I no longer could hold back everything I was trying to hide. I was unable to truly function at work, which was new for me. I could not stop what I was feeling and could not stop the tears that were flowing. All the emotions that were pent up inside of me had made their was out and being that way was embarrassing. It was a panic attack that was out of my control. I wasn't used to losing that much control over my emotions. I wasn't used to not having words to explain what was going on. Luckily the people around me were just there for me. They didn't force me to talk, they just consoled me. The past week, my work family has been so amazing. They have been there every step of the way and never left my side. They gave up time in their days to be there for me and to talk to me. I needed support and the support was there. It wasn't easy walking away from work that day knowing that people now knew how bad I was hurting and how I was struggling. I no longer could hide behind the fake "I am okay".
This weekend my emotions were still a little up and down but they were much better then they had been. I still lost it here and there and at times felt like someone was ripping at my chest but all of this is part of grief. It's not always going to be easy. Grief isn't something that you can wish away, its a part of life and each part of grief has to take place. A few days ago I may not have been able to admit that what I went through needed to happen but as I look back I know it needed to. I think at times I expect to be further along then I am, but I need to keep remembering that it hasn't even been a year yet. Everything I go through is new and challenging. I am living a life without my dad, without a huge part of my life and I am also dealing with a lot of other changes as well. My entire life is different and sadly that is not an exaggeration. I am having to learn how to live differently and rely on different types of people. The love from my dad that was such a huge piece of my day is no longer there. The one person who was always so interested in every part of my life is gone and finding a way to accept that is not always easy. Some days I am okay and I know he is with me but other days I am alone and feel such a huge hole.
Tonight I decided to take a drive down the street and walked/ attempted to run the course that my dad would run multiple times a week. My body wasn't allowing me to actually run as much as I wanted but just being there for the first time since he passed away was an amazing feeling. I have been thinking about going down there to run for a while but it wasn't easy to get myself to go. After the week I had I decided that I needed something to bring me closer to my dad. It was a relaxing time for me, and I found myself talking to my dad as took the course he once loved to run.
I am unsure what the week will hold but I am willing to accept it as it comes. Hopefully the panic attacks will no longer be an issue but if they are I need to allow them to happen. Bottling up emotions is only going to make things worse on me. I am ready to move on but can still look back and smile at how amazing the event was. I am so thankful for the people I have in my life and the support the past eight months. I can honestly say that I would not be where I am today without all of you. The fact that a group of people were able to come together and raise 1500 dollars to split between cancer and heart disease is absolutely incredible. It just shows that no matter what bad is going on in the world, there is so much good that is also taking place. I feel blessed to have the friends and family that I have. I am blessed that I work in a place where people care so much and are constantly wanting to help. I am thankful that with the support of all of you I was able to make it through my first event in memory of my dad. It would have never been what it was without every single person involved.
Now I have one more thing to ask...it's one thing to give money and show support but it is another to actually act on that support. This coming weekend is the relay for life, which will take place downtown at the Embarcadero starting at 9am. Please join Kristen and her team as they walk for 24 hours in hopes to find a cure for cancer. It's 24 hours or even any time you can out of your day to support something amazing. And den...on September 17th 2011 in Balboa Park my team will be walking in the Heart Walk. If it's possible I will be running the 5k in honor of my dad! :) But please join our teams and act on the support you have already shown! Links are below!
Relay for Life:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11CA?px=16598599&pg=personal&fr_id=31886
Heart Walk:
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sandiegoca/walkersinmemoryofjoeaglio
Thank you and God Bless!
Tay
Sooo...Wednesday night Give and Get Fit took place at Rehab United Kearny Mesa. The number of people that attended is unknown but the turn out was absolutely amazing. We did not have a lot of time to put the event together but we did our best to make it a special night for all who were involved. Kristen and I created poster boards for our two events that consisted of stories of people who have been affected by the two diseases and we allowed people to sign the board. The boards are still up in our clinic and our goal is to have the boards filled up as much as possible. It was incredible to see the support from all who attended. I knew that I had a lot of support behind me but I didn't realize it was that much. It was such a special night.
Although I thought that once the event was over life would go back to normal, I was wrong. This past week was undoubtedly one of the hardest weeks I have been through since I lost my dad. I started to feel extremely anxious at the beginning of the week and it only got worse as the week went on. My body went into a complete spasm and I was in a ton of pain. Once the event was over it hit me even more. At that point I was battling a very similar feeling that I felt once the service was over. Thursday I realized that I felt like something was missing. All the time I had been spending trying to plan for the event, meeting with people, and having help all around me was again no longer there. All the emotion behind the event was finished and people were again moving on with their lives as I was still trying to figure out what I was feeling. There were so many different emotions that I didn't know how to deal with all of them. I was extremely happy and moved by the amazing turnout and the support that was shown. I was so gracious for the 1,500 dollars that was raised by having the event. I was also very sad because I missed my dad and knew that he would have loved to be apart of something like this event. And with all that I was also a little angry at a couple things that happened along the way. This may have been the first time that I was forced to deal with so many emotions at one time.
Friday would be the day that I no longer could hold back everything I was trying to hide. I was unable to truly function at work, which was new for me. I could not stop what I was feeling and could not stop the tears that were flowing. All the emotions that were pent up inside of me had made their was out and being that way was embarrassing. It was a panic attack that was out of my control. I wasn't used to losing that much control over my emotions. I wasn't used to not having words to explain what was going on. Luckily the people around me were just there for me. They didn't force me to talk, they just consoled me. The past week, my work family has been so amazing. They have been there every step of the way and never left my side. They gave up time in their days to be there for me and to talk to me. I needed support and the support was there. It wasn't easy walking away from work that day knowing that people now knew how bad I was hurting and how I was struggling. I no longer could hide behind the fake "I am okay".
This weekend my emotions were still a little up and down but they were much better then they had been. I still lost it here and there and at times felt like someone was ripping at my chest but all of this is part of grief. It's not always going to be easy. Grief isn't something that you can wish away, its a part of life and each part of grief has to take place. A few days ago I may not have been able to admit that what I went through needed to happen but as I look back I know it needed to. I think at times I expect to be further along then I am, but I need to keep remembering that it hasn't even been a year yet. Everything I go through is new and challenging. I am living a life without my dad, without a huge part of my life and I am also dealing with a lot of other changes as well. My entire life is different and sadly that is not an exaggeration. I am having to learn how to live differently and rely on different types of people. The love from my dad that was such a huge piece of my day is no longer there. The one person who was always so interested in every part of my life is gone and finding a way to accept that is not always easy. Some days I am okay and I know he is with me but other days I am alone and feel such a huge hole.
Tonight I decided to take a drive down the street and walked/ attempted to run the course that my dad would run multiple times a week. My body wasn't allowing me to actually run as much as I wanted but just being there for the first time since he passed away was an amazing feeling. I have been thinking about going down there to run for a while but it wasn't easy to get myself to go. After the week I had I decided that I needed something to bring me closer to my dad. It was a relaxing time for me, and I found myself talking to my dad as took the course he once loved to run.
I am unsure what the week will hold but I am willing to accept it as it comes. Hopefully the panic attacks will no longer be an issue but if they are I need to allow them to happen. Bottling up emotions is only going to make things worse on me. I am ready to move on but can still look back and smile at how amazing the event was. I am so thankful for the people I have in my life and the support the past eight months. I can honestly say that I would not be where I am today without all of you. The fact that a group of people were able to come together and raise 1500 dollars to split between cancer and heart disease is absolutely incredible. It just shows that no matter what bad is going on in the world, there is so much good that is also taking place. I feel blessed to have the friends and family that I have. I am blessed that I work in a place where people care so much and are constantly wanting to help. I am thankful that with the support of all of you I was able to make it through my first event in memory of my dad. It would have never been what it was without every single person involved.
Now I have one more thing to ask...it's one thing to give money and show support but it is another to actually act on that support. This coming weekend is the relay for life, which will take place downtown at the Embarcadero starting at 9am. Please join Kristen and her team as they walk for 24 hours in hopes to find a cure for cancer. It's 24 hours or even any time you can out of your day to support something amazing. And den...on September 17th 2011 in Balboa Park my team will be walking in the Heart Walk. If it's possible I will be running the 5k in honor of my dad! :) But please join our teams and act on the support you have already shown! Links are below!
Relay for Life:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11CA?px=16598599&pg=personal&fr_id=31886
Heart Walk:
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sandiegoca/walkersinmemoryofjoeaglio
Thank you and God Bless!
Tay
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Heart Walk 2011...In Memory of my Pops
In 1990 when I was only two years old my father had his first heart attack, he was 40 years old. Unfortunately my dad was all too familiar with this disease because at the age of 16 he lost his father to a heart attack, his dad being only 40 years old. My dad knew of the possibility of dealing with heart disease at a very young age and struggled to live his life without a father. He was the oldest of three other siblings, so my grandma had a handful to deal with. She put her faith in God and knew that the only choice she had was to continue living, not only for herself but also for her children. Her children needed a mother more than they ever had, so for her grieving was something that had to be put on the back burner. Luckily she is an amazingly strong women of God and she was able to rely fully on her faith. My dad struggled and it took a long time for him to realize that the only choice he had was to live his life to the fullest.
After my dads first heart attack he dramatically changed his life. He had always loved exercising but he needed to change his diet. He decided to increase the amount he worked out and trained to run a marathon. My dad ran a number of events around San Diego but his biggest goal would be the day he completed the Rock and Roll Marathon in San Diego. He loved running and found that it allowed him to relax. My mom and dad would go on runs together every weekend and it became something they enjoyed doing together.
Throughout the twenty years that my dad was dealing with heart disease he was in and out of the hospital on numerous occasions. My sophomore year of high school would be the first time that I really understood what was going on with my dad. At the age of two being at the hospital wasn't something I understood, but at the age of fifteen I clearly understood how scary the situation was. As my family and friends waited in the waiting room I remember I was so scared. The doctor came out and told us my dad would have to have open heart surgery. My dads heart had dropped, not from the disease but from the thought of having open heart surgery. He had it in his mind that once he had to have that procedure he would no longer be able to do anything on his own. Open heart surgery was something that scared him to death.
It was at that time that we met Dr. Teirstein at Scripps Green Torrey Pines. He told my dad that he could place stents in the arteries that would act as a balloon and open the artery. I remember how happy my dad was to find someone that had a way of helping him without open heart surgery. He would have five stents placed in multiple arteries but felt so much better. Once again he changed his lifestyle. He changed his entire diet and started researching the best things to eat and not to eat. He had a fire in him that wasn't going to burn out until he did everything in his power to fight this disease. Three years later he would be back in the hospital receiving two more stents. He was now up to seven stents. Once again he researched what else he could do to help keep himself alive. He never stopped searching for new things that he could do.In April of 2010 my dad would have another heart attack that would leave him in the hospital for a couple days. This time it was the left ventrical that was affected, which is one of the main arteries for blood flow to the heart. The doctor was amazed at my dads ability to constantly fight these blocks and not have more intense heart attacks. He showed my mom and I the picture of my dads heart and how my dads body would build arteries of its own trying to fight the ones that were blocked. Hearing this was truly amazing. I told my mom that God is watching him and that God is with us through this entire process. In November of 2010 the doctor decided to go back in to make sure that the procedure that was down in April was holding up well. They had to do this because my dad didn't have usual side effects, so it was hard to know what was going on. His EKG would be normal, his stress test normal, but as soon as they went in they would come to find out their was a blockage. He would get two more stents, making it 9 total.
About a month later we would lose my dad to a heart attack. We have been told that he more than likely passed away from a blood clot. He had just ran, the thing that he loved to do more than anything, and was on his way home to prepare for Christmas. He was planning on getting all his cards together as they were sitting on the table by his chair. The events of that day are stuck in my mind as if they happened yesterday. I wish with everything I had that I could get rid of those moments but I know it doesn't work like that. We could sit here and try to figure out why a month after his procedure we lost him but all that will do is hold us back from healing. My dad did everything he possibly could to lengthen his life but he wasn't meant to be with us any longer. He taught me what true love is and that is something that nobody can take from me.
Sixty years ago when my grandpa passed away the technology we have now was non-existent. I fully believe that without the AHA and others fighting to find new technology, my dad wouldn't have lived as long as he did. This is the reason that we all need to support AHA and do everything in our power to fight for new technology. You may not have been affected by heart disease just yet, but chances are at some point you will be affected by either a heart attack or stroke. I ask that you join me in my effort to support AHA and to show your love for those who have been affected by heart disease. It would mean the world to me to have people there along side me walking and showing their support. I truly hope that you will have the time to be there on September 17, 2011. Even if you can't donate, I would still love for you to walk with my team.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about my dad or wish that he was here. He was my best friend and the most amazing father I could have ever asked for. I was lucky to have 22 years with him and cherish all the memories I have. I know that it's now my duty to show love to anyone I come in contact with just as he did. There is so much of my father in me and I can't let him down. My life goal is to make him proud and to one day be reunited with him, as well as my grandpa.
Personal Page:
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sandiegoca/tayaglio
Team Page:
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sandiegoca/walkersinmemoryofjoeaglio
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you can join me on September 17, 2011.
God Bless,
Tay
Monday, July 4, 2011
A Unique Fourth of July
Three months ago I would have thought that I was handling the process of grief pretty well, but recently I am not so sure about that. Time seems to be making things harder rather than easier. Don't get me wrong, I did not expect that six months down the road that everything would be fine but I didn't expect it to be this hard. I was warned from the start that people really don't need anyone the first couple weeks that something traumatic happens, rather they need people months down the road. It is at that point that the majority of people around seem to disappear and forget that someone is still grieving months down the road. I am lucky to have people in my life that continue to be there and want to see me get through all of this, but at times this is the loneliest road I have ever been on.
This weekend, fourth of July weekend, is a time to spend with family and friends enjoying the freedom that has been fought for. Usually, my fourth of July consisted of a lot of family time and also time with family friends. For the last few years we have done the same thing every fourth, which was spending time with the Schramm family for dinner and fireworks. It was something I always looked forward to because our families had so much fun when we spent time together. This year things would be a little different though and I wasn't exactly prepared for it to be so difficult.
Saturday I spent the day at the beach with Theresa and some of her family, it was a very relaxing time. We went to OB and once we left the beach we had dinner at OB Noodle House, which I had heard was good but had never been there. Those rumors were true because the food was awesome. That night we went out in OB to a few different bars, which was actually pretty fun. About a month ago I decided that I was going to no longer drink alcohol because I felt that it was only making things worse. I saw the person I was when I would drink and hated that person more than anything. I need to wait until I am further along on this journey before I can drink and actually control my emotions. Saturday was my first real experience being around people who were drinking and weren't really aware of why I wasn't drinking. It was more difficult then I expected. I can't imagine how people struggling with drinking deal with being around it. If it's that difficult for people who don't rely on alcohol to function then how is it for those people that do? It was a test, but a test that I needed to pass.
Sunday was also a good day. I went to church at the Rock in the morning, which was something that I really needed. I have been watching the services online but there is something about actually being there that changes the meaning of both the music and the message. It's important that I don't run away from church because it's a place that I need to be. The message included words that I needed to hear to open my eyes to how I have been lately. I have a lot of things that I need to work on but the most important is relying more on God, I shouldn't even think I can handle this on my own. After church Theresa and I went to lunch and then went to the beach. Kyle and Deni met us at the beach and it turned out to be a great day. Being at the beach is so peaceful and relaxing, which are two things I need so badly. The next part of my Sunday was spent at Kristen's house celebrating her birthday with a BBQ. It was a really good time spent with people that have become my second family. The conclusion to my night was a workout at the gym. I had a great workout and it was some time for me to really think about things.
Then there was today, fourth of July, a day that is meant to be filled with friends, family, barbecuing, and watching fireworks. However for me my day consisted of none of that. I was invited to some parties but had no interest in going. I had been running around all weekend and I didn't feel like doing that today, I didn't really feel like doing anything. I was exhausted so I slept part of the day and watched tv on and off. I decided that I wanted to go to the gym because right now that is something that is really important to me. I need to make some sacrifices to get to where I want to be and make working out more of a priority. Right now, my ultimate goal is to do whatever I can to make sure I don't have to have surgery again. This past week I got the results from my MRI and CT scan. I was informed that a bone spur has grown in my ankle again and is causing a block, a block that could turn out to be a big issue if it doesn't get resolved. I handled the news better than I expected but it definitely was hard to hear. I have worked really hard at getting better after this past surgery, so to think that I may have to go through it again isn't easy to deal with. Anyways, my plan was to go to the gym, run some errands and then go somewhere to watch fireworks. When it came time to watch fireworks I decided I wasn't interested. There was so much missing.
I was used to being with my family, but this year I wasn't with my family at all. I saw my mom for all of an hour the entire weekend and each time I saw her she was leaving to go somewhere else. I am glad that my mom is enjoying life and meeting new people, but I miss family time. I didn't feel like watching fireworks without my dad here and without anyone from my family. It's been hard lately because at times I feel like I don't even have a family. The brother that told me that he would always be there for me is non-existent, and my mom needs to be out doing things to help herself get through this. I need to figure out what things I can do to help myself get through this, rather than worrying about people that are focused on themselves more than me. I am not saying all this in a negative tone, I am just realizing more and more that I tend to put too much energy towards others. Most of my life has been spent giving as much as I had to give to those around me and then ending up being left alone. I keep telling myself that I will focus more on my life but then I don't. I don't know how to just focus on me, and when I do I feel like I am more of a mess. Why can't I just focus on my life? Why am I so scared?
It may have been a bad decision to run away from the fourth of July, but it felt right at the time. The meaning hasn't left but the festivities were something I wanted nothing to do with. It might be the fact that usually I get excited once the fourth has come and gone because I know how close it is to my birthday. This year I don't even want a birthday, I just wish it could go by without me even knowing. Once again a huge part of my day will be missing and I don't feel strong enough to handle that. Hopefully I am wrong, and it turns out to be a good thing, something that I need.
Might as well end this post with the good things that happened this weekend. The majority of the weekend really was good, so hopefully this post doesn't seem completely negative. For the first weekend in a while my ankle actually felt really good. I didn't have a lot of pain and the things I did allowed my ankle the time it needed to heal. My gym workouts were extremely hard but they weren't hard on my ankle. I was able to push myself without pushing myself over the limits of what my ankle can handle. I saw an improvement in things and hopefully those improvements continue.
I also figured out some important things. I made some decisions that I am hoping will benefit my emotions and how I am dealing with things. It may not be what everyone else wants but it's a choice I am sticking to for the time being. I also realized a few things that are very important to me and I am willing to make sacrifices to get there. Today turned out to be a good day, different but good.
I hope everyone had a good fourth of July. I am so thankful for those people who fight for our freedom and constantly protect the US of A. I can honestly say that I am proud to be American.
God Bless,
Tay
This weekend, fourth of July weekend, is a time to spend with family and friends enjoying the freedom that has been fought for. Usually, my fourth of July consisted of a lot of family time and also time with family friends. For the last few years we have done the same thing every fourth, which was spending time with the Schramm family for dinner and fireworks. It was something I always looked forward to because our families had so much fun when we spent time together. This year things would be a little different though and I wasn't exactly prepared for it to be so difficult.
Saturday I spent the day at the beach with Theresa and some of her family, it was a very relaxing time. We went to OB and once we left the beach we had dinner at OB Noodle House, which I had heard was good but had never been there. Those rumors were true because the food was awesome. That night we went out in OB to a few different bars, which was actually pretty fun. About a month ago I decided that I was going to no longer drink alcohol because I felt that it was only making things worse. I saw the person I was when I would drink and hated that person more than anything. I need to wait until I am further along on this journey before I can drink and actually control my emotions. Saturday was my first real experience being around people who were drinking and weren't really aware of why I wasn't drinking. It was more difficult then I expected. I can't imagine how people struggling with drinking deal with being around it. If it's that difficult for people who don't rely on alcohol to function then how is it for those people that do? It was a test, but a test that I needed to pass.
Sunday was also a good day. I went to church at the Rock in the morning, which was something that I really needed. I have been watching the services online but there is something about actually being there that changes the meaning of both the music and the message. It's important that I don't run away from church because it's a place that I need to be. The message included words that I needed to hear to open my eyes to how I have been lately. I have a lot of things that I need to work on but the most important is relying more on God, I shouldn't even think I can handle this on my own. After church Theresa and I went to lunch and then went to the beach. Kyle and Deni met us at the beach and it turned out to be a great day. Being at the beach is so peaceful and relaxing, which are two things I need so badly. The next part of my Sunday was spent at Kristen's house celebrating her birthday with a BBQ. It was a really good time spent with people that have become my second family. The conclusion to my night was a workout at the gym. I had a great workout and it was some time for me to really think about things.
Then there was today, fourth of July, a day that is meant to be filled with friends, family, barbecuing, and watching fireworks. However for me my day consisted of none of that. I was invited to some parties but had no interest in going. I had been running around all weekend and I didn't feel like doing that today, I didn't really feel like doing anything. I was exhausted so I slept part of the day and watched tv on and off. I decided that I wanted to go to the gym because right now that is something that is really important to me. I need to make some sacrifices to get to where I want to be and make working out more of a priority. Right now, my ultimate goal is to do whatever I can to make sure I don't have to have surgery again. This past week I got the results from my MRI and CT scan. I was informed that a bone spur has grown in my ankle again and is causing a block, a block that could turn out to be a big issue if it doesn't get resolved. I handled the news better than I expected but it definitely was hard to hear. I have worked really hard at getting better after this past surgery, so to think that I may have to go through it again isn't easy to deal with. Anyways, my plan was to go to the gym, run some errands and then go somewhere to watch fireworks. When it came time to watch fireworks I decided I wasn't interested. There was so much missing.
I was used to being with my family, but this year I wasn't with my family at all. I saw my mom for all of an hour the entire weekend and each time I saw her she was leaving to go somewhere else. I am glad that my mom is enjoying life and meeting new people, but I miss family time. I didn't feel like watching fireworks without my dad here and without anyone from my family. It's been hard lately because at times I feel like I don't even have a family. The brother that told me that he would always be there for me is non-existent, and my mom needs to be out doing things to help herself get through this. I need to figure out what things I can do to help myself get through this, rather than worrying about people that are focused on themselves more than me. I am not saying all this in a negative tone, I am just realizing more and more that I tend to put too much energy towards others. Most of my life has been spent giving as much as I had to give to those around me and then ending up being left alone. I keep telling myself that I will focus more on my life but then I don't. I don't know how to just focus on me, and when I do I feel like I am more of a mess. Why can't I just focus on my life? Why am I so scared?
It may have been a bad decision to run away from the fourth of July, but it felt right at the time. The meaning hasn't left but the festivities were something I wanted nothing to do with. It might be the fact that usually I get excited once the fourth has come and gone because I know how close it is to my birthday. This year I don't even want a birthday, I just wish it could go by without me even knowing. Once again a huge part of my day will be missing and I don't feel strong enough to handle that. Hopefully I am wrong, and it turns out to be a good thing, something that I need.
Might as well end this post with the good things that happened this weekend. The majority of the weekend really was good, so hopefully this post doesn't seem completely negative. For the first weekend in a while my ankle actually felt really good. I didn't have a lot of pain and the things I did allowed my ankle the time it needed to heal. My gym workouts were extremely hard but they weren't hard on my ankle. I was able to push myself without pushing myself over the limits of what my ankle can handle. I saw an improvement in things and hopefully those improvements continue.
I also figured out some important things. I made some decisions that I am hoping will benefit my emotions and how I am dealing with things. It may not be what everyone else wants but it's a choice I am sticking to for the time being. I also realized a few things that are very important to me and I am willing to make sacrifices to get there. Today turned out to be a good day, different but good.
I hope everyone had a good fourth of July. I am so thankful for those people who fight for our freedom and constantly protect the US of A. I can honestly say that I am proud to be American.
God Bless,
Tay
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
A Much Needed Visit
The point of my post tonight is a way for me to not only document something that happened but to also explain situations that occur during the journey through grief. This isn't something that only happens to people that have lost someone but can occur at any point in our lives. Mine just happened to be centered around my dad and the loss that I continue to struggle with. The situation that took place was in a dream and in the middle of the night I woke up wondering if it was real.
Dreams are an interesting thing that a lot of people choose to overlook. The fact is that dreams are normal and are a natural thing for the human body to go through. Once the body reaches REM dreams begin to take place, but if the body never reaches that stage then our minds are deprived of the ability to release emotions. If we didn't dream then we wouldn't have the opportunity to let go of good and bad emotions that we are holding on to without even realizing it. Although dreams are a natural occurrence, they are also used by God in a supernatural way. God uses dreams to speak to us, sometimes to warn, prepare, or even answer prayers. Dreams are an important piece to the communication lines we have with God but at times we choose to overlook the meaning. Not every dream is from God but the ones that are can be placed on our hearts so strongly that we know we have to search for the meaning.
Early this morning I woke up from a dream that would leave me to still wonder what the meaning of it was. However, after I went back to sleep, I woke up again knowing that I had a dream but unaware of every detail that had taken place. Each morning I receive an email that has devotions for women. The devotions are written by other women and explain an event that took place in their lives with an explanation of how God helped them deal with that situation. As I read the devotional this morning it talked about a lady that had wrote down a journal of prayers that she wrote for her family when she had cancer. She had come across this journal and decided to go back and read some of her entries. As I continued to read her story it immediately hit me...
My dream included not only the past but also the present. It was dated back to May of 2010, which was a month after my dad had his small heart-attack scare that left him in the hospital for a day. This same heart-attack was also the cause of the procedure that took place in November and may have been the cause of his death. In my dream my dad had wrote me a letter, which was where I saw the date May 2010. I had found his journal but my mom was mad that I wanted to look at a page he had written. I kept telling her that there was something on my heart and that I needed to follow the signs. She still wasn't willing to let me look through my his journal. While she wasn't there I found the journal and went to the page that I knew I needed to read. On this page were the words, "Tay I just want to let you know that I won't be here much longer and my time has come for me to leave. I am going to be okay and I will be in a much better place. Please don't worry about me, I love you and always will." After he wrote that part was a verse that was written out to its entirety.
Recently, I have felt very alone. That is nothing against the people that continue to be there for me, but it's just not the same. There is a huge hole that is missing and no one can feel that void. I realize more and more how close me and my dad really were. He was my best friend and he was a huge part of my life. I have done my best to not run away from God and I am not angry at God at all. I know that God is the only one that can help me through this time in my life. The people He has placed around me constantly remind me of how much He loves me. He wouldn't put those people in my life if they weren't meant to be there.
The verse above, so far, is a reminder that God is with me and my dad is also there. It's a statement that is telling me to stay strong and keep allowing God to be there, working daily in my life. Not only should I be thankful for the time I had with my dad but I also should be thankful for the people God has placed in my path. It's a reminder to constantly thank God for the life I have and not take it for granted. It's also a reminder to be strong, to show love, and to start fresh. The ending of the verse is stating that I must start over, a new heart towards the work that needs to be done and the words that come from my mouth. I am not alone, I am never alone, and I truly hope that over time I fully believe those two statements I just made.
I am thankful that my prayer was answered, whether it was a message from God or my dad, it was a nice feeling to wake up to. I am thankful for the people in my life and the people I continue to meet. I am thankful that I have an amazing mom and although we are on different pages, I still know she would be there for me in a heartbeat. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love and by people who want to help me. I truly have some amazing friends and I continue to meet people that care so much about how I am. My life may not be perfect but no matter how bad things get, a huge part of me is always thankful for the impact all of my friends and family have on me. My dad is just as amazing now as he was when he was here on Earth, and for that I am one lucky girl. I love you dad forever and always!
God Bless,
Tay
Dreams are an interesting thing that a lot of people choose to overlook. The fact is that dreams are normal and are a natural thing for the human body to go through. Once the body reaches REM dreams begin to take place, but if the body never reaches that stage then our minds are deprived of the ability to release emotions. If we didn't dream then we wouldn't have the opportunity to let go of good and bad emotions that we are holding on to without even realizing it. Although dreams are a natural occurrence, they are also used by God in a supernatural way. God uses dreams to speak to us, sometimes to warn, prepare, or even answer prayers. Dreams are an important piece to the communication lines we have with God but at times we choose to overlook the meaning. Not every dream is from God but the ones that are can be placed on our hearts so strongly that we know we have to search for the meaning.
Since I lost my dad in December most of my dreams have been nightmares and usually consist of me waking up in a panic. None of those nightmares included my dad but I couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't having positive dreams. It also really bothered me that my dad had not showed up in any of those dreams in the past six months. I know that is one way that the dead speak to the ones they love so it's been something I have been praying for every night. To let you all in on something, my prayers every night for a long time have been me asking God to allow me the chance to see or hear from my dad just one more time. I have been reading all these books and visiting websites of people who have had the amazing opportunity to actually visit heaven. These people could recall the events that took place on their journey as if it was a daily thing. It's been hard for me to accept that not everyone gets that chance. I would do anything to know that my dad was okay and that he was happy."In the last days, God says, I will pour out my spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams." - Acts 2:17
Early this morning I woke up from a dream that would leave me to still wonder what the meaning of it was. However, after I went back to sleep, I woke up again knowing that I had a dream but unaware of every detail that had taken place. Each morning I receive an email that has devotions for women. The devotions are written by other women and explain an event that took place in their lives with an explanation of how God helped them deal with that situation. As I read the devotional this morning it talked about a lady that had wrote down a journal of prayers that she wrote for her family when she had cancer. She had come across this journal and decided to go back and read some of her entries. As I continued to read her story it immediately hit me...
My dream included not only the past but also the present. It was dated back to May of 2010, which was a month after my dad had his small heart-attack scare that left him in the hospital for a day. This same heart-attack was also the cause of the procedure that took place in November and may have been the cause of his death. In my dream my dad had wrote me a letter, which was where I saw the date May 2010. I had found his journal but my mom was mad that I wanted to look at a page he had written. I kept telling her that there was something on my heart and that I needed to follow the signs. She still wasn't willing to let me look through my his journal. While she wasn't there I found the journal and went to the page that I knew I needed to read. On this page were the words, "Tay I just want to let you know that I won't be here much longer and my time has come for me to leave. I am going to be okay and I will be in a much better place. Please don't worry about me, I love you and always will." After he wrote that part was a verse that was written out to its entirety.
"But we ought to always thank God for you, brothers and sisters loved by the Lord, because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth. He called you to this through our gospel, that you might share in the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen in every good deed and and word." 2 Thessalonians 2:13-16Reading the devotional this morning made everything in my dream fall back into place. The minute I read the word journal I remembered every detail of the dream that had occurred in the middle of my sleep last night. When I woke up from the dream I made sure to write down a few details of the dream in hopes of remembering what had taken place. My first counselor that I had after I loss my dad told me that any time a dream woke me up in the middle of the night I should try to write down a few key things that will help me remember. She understood the impact that dreams can have on a person who is dealing with a loss. It was no coincidence that the devotional was exactly what I needed to help me remember every single piece of the dream puzzle that was falling into place before my eyes. I immediately searched for the verse that was clear in my mind and began to question the meaning behind it. I am not sure if I have completely figured it out but I do know that it was meant to comfort me.
Recently, I have felt very alone. That is nothing against the people that continue to be there for me, but it's just not the same. There is a huge hole that is missing and no one can feel that void. I realize more and more how close me and my dad really were. He was my best friend and he was a huge part of my life. I have done my best to not run away from God and I am not angry at God at all. I know that God is the only one that can help me through this time in my life. The people He has placed around me constantly remind me of how much He loves me. He wouldn't put those people in my life if they weren't meant to be there.
I am thankful that my prayer was answered, whether it was a message from God or my dad, it was a nice feeling to wake up to. I am thankful for the people in my life and the people I continue to meet. I am thankful that I have an amazing mom and although we are on different pages, I still know she would be there for me in a heartbeat. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love and by people who want to help me. I truly have some amazing friends and I continue to meet people that care so much about how I am. My life may not be perfect but no matter how bad things get, a huge part of me is always thankful for the impact all of my friends and family have on me. My dad is just as amazing now as he was when he was here on Earth, and for that I am one lucky girl. I love you dad forever and always!
God Bless,
Tay
Monday, June 27, 2011
Per L'amore Del Gioco: For The Love of The Game
I find it to be pretty amazing that events can take place and without even realizing it at the time it becomes a big step forward in my journey through grief. Since my dad passed away it has been very difficult for me to watch any sports events. The only sporting event that I really got into was the games leading up to the Super Bowl because I felt like watching the Pittsburgh Steelers was the one way I could feel close to my dad. I knew in my heart that the last thing my dad would have wanted was for me to stop watching the team that I had followed the entire year. Once the Super Bowl was over I lost interest in all the other teams that I used to follow very closely. The huge Laker fan I once was no longer existed and when people asked me about the Pittsburgh Penguins I was unable to answer any questions. Then there was soccer, a game I grew up playing and then followed that with coaching. However, I no longer cared about the game that I once could not live without.
Soccer was the one thing that could never tear my dad and I apart. We would talk constantly about different tactics that teams needed to work on and our opinions on games that we watched. It was the one sport that always brought us closer. He went to as many of my games as he possibly could and gave up so much of his time to be there for me. My dad was one of my biggest fans and he loved watching me play. There wasn't a lot of things that I thought my dad was proud of me for but one thing is for sure I always knew that he was proud of how I played. It made him so happy to see me challenge myself and push to be the best player I could. He always told me that he was amazed by my ability to fight and to never give up. Soccer was the one thing that I felt like I could never mess up at. When I played well he was extremely happy, when I lost he was still proud of my effort, and when I got hurt he was scared but right by my side through it all.
Even at a young age my dad would always tell me that one day I would make a great coach. He thought that I could see the field differently then a lot of people could and he also said that my ability to be patient with kids would make me such a great mentor. I began to feel that he was right and that coaching was the one thing I wanted to do when I got older. That time came and I found myself coaching girls under 12 for the Ramona Intra Soccer club. I absolutely loved coaching these girls. I was more of a trainer but I had accepted a lot of the coaching roles. Once again I felt like my dad was proud of me. He would come and watch me coach and tell me how well the girls listened to me. He would tell me things I needed to work on and what he noticed about the team but it was a time that I actually felt we understood each other. I continued to coach and began coaching freshman soccer at Ramona High. Not only was I coaching one team but I was coaching girls and boys freshman at the same time. It was a challenge but I loved it.
Fast forward a few years and there I was playing my last game, my senior game of college and I was sick with swine flu, which I was diagnosed with the day before. The morning of the game my dad called me and said, "I know you are sick and hurt but I think you should play as much as you can because I don't want you to regret missing this game." As my parents walked on to the field to meet me for the senior ceremony, I could see how proud they were of me. It was a moment that I will never forget and I am so thankful that my dad was able to see me play one more game for him.
Finally, the present, the most current event, and a change in how I felt about soccer the same day the Womens World Cup was starting. I was invited to a tournament in Temecula with a family that I have become very close with through work. They have been awesome in so many ways and when I was asked to go watch Kirsten play I just couldn't pass it up. I loved every part of the trip; the traveling, the sun, the waiting, watching, and trophy ceremony. It was the first time in a while that I found myself truly enjoying the game of soccer. The first game I found myself just sitting, watching, and smiling at what was in front of me. The second game I was more into it and actually was saying things about what I noticed on the field. I wanted to be involved. I wasn't handling sitting on the sideline very well because I missed what it was like on the field. I honestly can't remember the last time that I truly missed soccer as much as I did on Sunday. It was such a good feeling and as I continued to think about my day in Temecula I realized how much I want to be apart of that.
I don't know what my future is going to be with soccer and I don't even know if I will ever be able to play again but I am thankful I didn't turn down the offer to go to Kirsten's game on Sunday. It was a step forward for me, it was a step in the direction of getting my life to be more normal again. I hope I have some type of future that involves soccer, because I really do love the game. I don't think I will ever not love the game. Yes, I have had some pretty rough moments but I wouldn't take any of those back. I have been feeling some regret lately because of my struggles with my ankle but I don't want to ever regret the fact that I lived and loved the game of soccer. It is for that reason that I do hope one day I am on the sideline coaching or even able to play in another game.
So, without even knowing, I made a huge step in this process and I found a hidden love for a game that will always be a huge piece of my life. I don't want to run away from the game of soccer because the memories that I have are memories that I would never want to forget. Some of my best memories of my dad involve sports and some of my biggest accomplishments consist of things I did on a soccer field. If it wasn't for soccer and my injuries then I wouldn't be in the place I am now. I wouldn't be working at Rehab United and I wouldn't have met all the amazing people that I have had the chance to get to know. It is for that reason that I will not regret playing soccer. I now know that I can't live without the game of soccer even if it's just watching. I am looking forward to the World Cup and I am excited to see how well the USA plays.
I am so glad that I continue to make big strides in healing. Even when I feel like all I am doing is going backwards, there is always one area that I am moving forward. I guess that is what happens when you are apart of something that is constantly shifting up and down. I am not always aware of things that are taking place but at some point I realize the steps I am taking to living the life I once had. The goal is to create a new normal but to not forget about where I came from. Although we are told to not live in the past, I feel as if my past is a big part of my future. My past at this point is the only thing that keeps me close to my dad and reminds me that those memories will always be there, no one can take that away from me. It's amazing to me how our minds have the ability to choose what it wants to remember and what it should block out without us even realizing it. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to move past the things I need to and to return to those moments when I am prepared to handle them. I was finally prepared to reunite with a game I love so much.
Soccer is apart of me and always will be, I will never lose the love I have for a game that has shaped my life in so many ways.
God Bless,
Tay
Soccer was the one thing that could never tear my dad and I apart. We would talk constantly about different tactics that teams needed to work on and our opinions on games that we watched. It was the one sport that always brought us closer. He went to as many of my games as he possibly could and gave up so much of his time to be there for me. My dad was one of my biggest fans and he loved watching me play. There wasn't a lot of things that I thought my dad was proud of me for but one thing is for sure I always knew that he was proud of how I played. It made him so happy to see me challenge myself and push to be the best player I could. He always told me that he was amazed by my ability to fight and to never give up. Soccer was the one thing that I felt like I could never mess up at. When I played well he was extremely happy, when I lost he was still proud of my effort, and when I got hurt he was scared but right by my side through it all.
Even at a young age my dad would always tell me that one day I would make a great coach. He thought that I could see the field differently then a lot of people could and he also said that my ability to be patient with kids would make me such a great mentor. I began to feel that he was right and that coaching was the one thing I wanted to do when I got older. That time came and I found myself coaching girls under 12 for the Ramona Intra Soccer club. I absolutely loved coaching these girls. I was more of a trainer but I had accepted a lot of the coaching roles. Once again I felt like my dad was proud of me. He would come and watch me coach and tell me how well the girls listened to me. He would tell me things I needed to work on and what he noticed about the team but it was a time that I actually felt we understood each other. I continued to coach and began coaching freshman soccer at Ramona High. Not only was I coaching one team but I was coaching girls and boys freshman at the same time. It was a challenge but I loved it.
Finally, the present, the most current event, and a change in how I felt about soccer the same day the Womens World Cup was starting. I was invited to a tournament in Temecula with a family that I have become very close with through work. They have been awesome in so many ways and when I was asked to go watch Kirsten play I just couldn't pass it up. I loved every part of the trip; the traveling, the sun, the waiting, watching, and trophy ceremony. It was the first time in a while that I found myself truly enjoying the game of soccer. The first game I found myself just sitting, watching, and smiling at what was in front of me. The second game I was more into it and actually was saying things about what I noticed on the field. I wanted to be involved. I wasn't handling sitting on the sideline very well because I missed what it was like on the field. I honestly can't remember the last time that I truly missed soccer as much as I did on Sunday. It was such a good feeling and as I continued to think about my day in Temecula I realized how much I want to be apart of that.
I don't know what my future is going to be with soccer and I don't even know if I will ever be able to play again but I am thankful I didn't turn down the offer to go to Kirsten's game on Sunday. It was a step forward for me, it was a step in the direction of getting my life to be more normal again. I hope I have some type of future that involves soccer, because I really do love the game. I don't think I will ever not love the game. Yes, I have had some pretty rough moments but I wouldn't take any of those back. I have been feeling some regret lately because of my struggles with my ankle but I don't want to ever regret the fact that I lived and loved the game of soccer. It is for that reason that I do hope one day I am on the sideline coaching or even able to play in another game.
So, without even knowing, I made a huge step in this process and I found a hidden love for a game that will always be a huge piece of my life. I don't want to run away from the game of soccer because the memories that I have are memories that I would never want to forget. Some of my best memories of my dad involve sports and some of my biggest accomplishments consist of things I did on a soccer field. If it wasn't for soccer and my injuries then I wouldn't be in the place I am now. I wouldn't be working at Rehab United and I wouldn't have met all the amazing people that I have had the chance to get to know. It is for that reason that I will not regret playing soccer. I now know that I can't live without the game of soccer even if it's just watching. I am looking forward to the World Cup and I am excited to see how well the USA plays.
I am so glad that I continue to make big strides in healing. Even when I feel like all I am doing is going backwards, there is always one area that I am moving forward. I guess that is what happens when you are apart of something that is constantly shifting up and down. I am not always aware of things that are taking place but at some point I realize the steps I am taking to living the life I once had. The goal is to create a new normal but to not forget about where I came from. Although we are told to not live in the past, I feel as if my past is a big part of my future. My past at this point is the only thing that keeps me close to my dad and reminds me that those memories will always be there, no one can take that away from me. It's amazing to me how our minds have the ability to choose what it wants to remember and what it should block out without us even realizing it. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to move past the things I need to and to return to those moments when I am prepared to handle them. I was finally prepared to reunite with a game I love so much.
Soccer is apart of me and always will be, I will never lose the love I have for a game that has shaped my life in so many ways.
God Bless,
Tay
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
A Look Into My Life Verse
As a teenager I began to fully believe in the saying "everything happens for a reason", without realizing the mountains I would be forced to climb as I continued on my journey through life. At the time it felt as if I graduated from high school never having to deal with multiple situations at one time. Life was a little easier then I made it out to be or would have admitted at the time. From that point on I would be placed in a position that caused me to deal with trials of all different kinds. I moved away from home and was excited to get away, start new, and continue to live out my dream of playing college soccer. It was at that point that I began to understand that you couldn't just run away from everything in your life. My two years spent in Kansas were extremely difficult and consisted of various trials. It was the period in my life that began all my injury troubles and would leave me still dealing with them at this point and time. However, I still believed that I went to Kansas for a reason and that some good would come out of it. I knew I was meant to be there at that point because I learned a lot and met a lot of awesome people.
Two years later I found myself doing anything in my power to move back to California and still be able to play soccer. As I stepped foot on the campus of San Diego Christian College I was very unsure of how I would fit in. Everything about the place was foreign and at that time I wasn't willing to open up to what the school had to offer. The first semester consisted of me hating where I was but enjoying soccer and the girls I had met. The only classes I enjoyed were classes that were structured towards my major and the other classes were just boring to me. We had to take Bible courses each semester to graduate and I found myself being kicked out of the only Bible class I had ever taken because I didn't show up. I finished the semester having surgery on a torn meniscus and then my ankle, which had a floating bone that was causing pain. The ankle surgery was performed in January of 09' and from that point on my view on life would be changed forever.
The saying "everything happens for a reason" took on a completely new meaning to me. The new meaning was found in a verse that would become one of my life verses. It's a verse that I constantly think about and each trial that arises in my life brings me right back to this same verse. The verse that I am speaking of is Romans 8:28.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
The issue with how I viewed this verse was that I attempted to see good in every situation and when I didn't I would wait for the day that I would realize why I was put through such a difficult time. I was so focused on the word "good" and also the words "in all things", when in reality there is so much more to this verse. Romans 8:28 is a verse that is overused at times because of its popularity, but I truly believe that the reason it's so overused is because we are in need of finding the true meaning behind this verse. I recently decided that I wanted to take a deeper look into the verse that has become words of hope in my life. As I studied this verse I realized I was looking at it completely wrong.
Romans 8:28 isn't promising that good will come from every single thing that happens to us but rather a promise that God will find a way to bring good from each situation. We tend to struggle to find our way out of difficult times and become surrounded by the bad rather then searching for the good. I have found that this verse is stating that God takes all things that happen in our lives, the good and the bad, and makes them work together. We may never know why things happen to us or we may find out right away, but the things that do happen have a purpose. Behind all the pain and struggling is another side that we must be willing to see, a side that could possibly alter our life dramatically. If good things are happening to us it's because God is working in our lives but that doesn't mean that He also isn't working through the bad. That is the statement that leads me to believe that a lot of the meaning behind this verse is not that "all things work together for good", but actually that God is working in all situations.
There have been a lot of situations that I never thought I could make it through. I have had times in my life where giving up was all I wanted to do. I felt like crawling in a black hole and hiding from the entire world. But during those times God opened my eyes to so many beautiful things around me. I began to see trials as something completely different. I no longer felt doomed from the start but rather searched for the meaning behind them. I searched to find what God wanted from me and how He wanted to change my life through that specific trial. My life hasn't been any easier since the day I found this verse, if anything it has been much, much harder. But on my wrist reads "Omnia Causa Fiunt", which is Latin for "everything happens for a reason". Unlike a lot of tattoo's it is facing towards me, because it's a reminder every single time I look at it. I am the one that gets to see it every time I look at my wrist, so I wanted to be able to always read it easily. The scene below are clouds that surround a cross with dove's flying through it, which stands for Heaven and the doves are the love that flows through from God. Lately I think I have forgotten what it means to deal with difficult situations and what it means to hope for a better time. I have been stuck in darkness, hiding my emotions from every single person near me instead of opening up and being honest with how I am feeling. I have not only ran away from those closest to me but I have also shut them out from knowing anything that was going on. There have been times where I felt like I could no longer live and that being with my dad was the only thing that could help. I have been living in fear, fear of showing what is really going on and fear of what everyone else would think if they really knew. The person I have been is not the person I like being. It's a person that scares me, a place that I feel very unstable, and out of control. Luckily, I have had some really good days lately. I have once again taken pride in the work that I am doing and the job I have. I love my job and I truly love what I do. It's nice to feel like I have a purpose and to actually take pride in something.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1 is the verse that states the actions that must be taken after reading Romans 8:28. Through everything we go through we must have hope for a better day and have the patience to take it day by day. At the time it's difficult to see any good, but to make it through the most difficult situation we must cling to the fact that there will be a better day. Whatever the trial may be, there is a purpose behind it and at some point you may clearly see the reason for the struggle you fought through. It may be a person you meet a long the road, a life you change, something you fight for, a cure, or it could just be a realization into something you have been struggling with. Allow yourself to find the good in the situations that present themselves. Take time to think about what you have been taught through the trial you are dealing with or maybe what you never thought was possible. There is something behind what you are dealing with, so try not to take anything for granted.
God Bless,
Tay
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