Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A Much Needed Visit

The point of my post tonight is a way for me to not only document something that happened but to also explain situations that occur during the journey through grief. This isn't something that only happens to people that have lost someone but can occur at any point in our lives. Mine just happened to be centered around my dad and the loss that I continue to struggle with. The situation that took place was in a dream and in the middle of the night I woke up wondering if it was real.

Dreams are an interesting thing that a lot of people choose to overlook. The fact is that dreams are normal and are a natural thing for the human body to go through. Once the body reaches REM dreams begin to take place, but if the body never reaches that stage then our minds are deprived of the ability to release emotions. If we didn't dream then we wouldn't have the opportunity to let go of good and bad emotions that we are holding on to without even realizing it. Although dreams are a natural occurrence, they are also used by God in a supernatural way. God uses dreams to speak to us, sometimes to warn, prepare, or even answer prayers. Dreams are an important piece to the communication lines we have with God but at times we choose to overlook the meaning. Not every dream is from God but the ones that are can be placed on our hearts so strongly that we know we have to search for the meaning.
"In the last days, God says, I will pour out my spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams." - Acts 2:17
Since I lost my dad in December most of my dreams have been nightmares and usually consist of me waking up in a panic. None of those nightmares included my dad but I couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't having positive dreams. It also really bothered me that my dad had not showed up in any of those dreams in the past six months. I know that is one way that the dead speak to the ones they love so it's been something I have been praying for every night. To let you all in on something, my prayers every night for a long time have been me asking God to allow me the chance to see or hear from my dad just one more time. I have been reading all these books and visiting websites of people who have had the amazing opportunity to actually visit heaven. These people could recall the events that took place on their journey as if it was a daily thing. It's been hard for me to accept that not everyone gets that chance. I would do anything to know that my dad was okay and that he was happy.

Early this morning I woke up from a dream that would leave me to still wonder what the meaning of it was. However, after I went back to sleep, I woke up again knowing that I had a dream but unaware of every detail that had taken place. Each morning I receive an email that has devotions for women. The devotions are written by other women and explain an event that took place in their lives with an explanation of how God helped them deal with that situation. As I read the devotional this morning it talked about a lady that had wrote down a journal of prayers that she wrote for her family when she had cancer. She had come across this journal and decided to go back and read some of her entries. As I continued to read her story it immediately hit me...

My dream included not only the past but also the present. It was dated back to May of 2010, which was a month after my dad had his small heart-attack scare that left him in the hospital for a day. This same heart-attack was also the cause of the procedure that took place in November and may have been the cause of his death. In my dream my dad had wrote me a letter, which was where I saw the date May 2010. I had found his journal but my mom was mad that I wanted to look at a page he had written. I kept telling her that there was something on my heart and that I needed to follow the signs. She still wasn't willing to let me look through my his journal. While she wasn't there I found the journal and went to the page that I knew I needed to read. On this page were the words, "Tay I just want to let you know that I won't be here much longer and my time has come for me to leave. I am going to be okay and I will be in a much better place. Please don't worry about me, I love you and always will." After he wrote that part was a verse that was written out to its entirety.
"But we ought to always thank God for you, brothers and sisters loved by the Lord, because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth. He called you to this through our gospel, that you might share in the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen in every good deed and and word." 2 Thessalonians 2:13-16
Reading the devotional this morning made everything in my dream fall back into place. The minute I read the word journal I remembered every detail of the dream that had occurred in the middle of my sleep last night. When I woke up from the dream I made sure to write down a few details of the dream in hopes of remembering what had taken place. My first counselor that I had after I loss my dad told me that any time a dream woke me up in the middle of the night I should try to write down a few key things that will help me remember. She understood the impact that dreams can have on a person who is dealing with a loss. It was no coincidence that the devotional was exactly what I needed to help me remember every single piece of the dream puzzle that was falling into place before my eyes. I immediately searched for the verse that was clear in my mind and began to question the meaning behind it. I am not sure if I have completely figured it out but I do know that it was meant to comfort me.

Recently, I have felt very alone. That is nothing against the people that continue to be there for me, but it's just not the same. There is a huge hole that is missing and no one can feel that void. I realize more and more how close me and my dad really were. He was my best friend and he was a huge part of my life. I have done my best to not run away from God and I am not angry at God at all. I know that God is the only one that can help me through this time in my life. The people He has placed around me constantly remind me of how much He loves me. He wouldn't put those people in my life if they weren't meant to be there.

The verse above, so far, is a reminder that God is with me and my dad is also there. It's a statement that is telling me to stay strong and keep allowing God to be there, working daily in my life. Not only should I be thankful for the time I had with my dad but I also should be thankful for the people God has placed in my path. It's a reminder to constantly thank God for the life I have and not take it for granted. It's also a reminder to be strong, to show love, and to start fresh. The ending of the verse is stating that I must start over, a new heart towards the work that needs to be done and the words that come from my mouth. I am not alone, I am never alone, and I truly hope that over time I fully believe those two statements I just made.

I am thankful that my prayer was answered, whether it was a message from God or my dad, it was a nice feeling to wake up to. I am thankful for the people in my life and the people I continue to meet. I am thankful that I have an amazing mom and although we are on different pages, I still know she would be there for me in a heartbeat. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love and by people who want to help me. I truly have some amazing friends and I continue to meet people that care so much about how I am. My life may not be perfect but no matter how bad things get, a huge part of me is always thankful for the impact all of my friends and family have on me. My dad is just as amazing now as he was when he was here on Earth, and for that I am one lucky girl. I love you dad forever and always!

God Bless,

No comments:

Post a Comment