It's Been A While...

I haven't taken the time recently to sit down and write about the things that have been on my mind, although I have thought about it multiple times. The past year has been an interesting test for me and at times I began to question whether I could make it. Giving up seemed like the best option but luckily I had people close to me that wouldn't allow that to happen. I have realized how important it is to have people that understand what you are going through and even if they don't fully understand they are still willing to never let you give up. In June of 2009 I sprained my ankle in an indoor soccer game and at that point in my life the most important thing in my opinion was to be able to play in my senior year as a collegiate soccer player. If you were to ask me if I still think that was the best decision I would probably have a different answer but I also have never wanted to live my life with regrets.


Soccer is a sport that I have loved since I can even remember and no matter what soccer will always hold a special place in my heart. For me, soccer was something that my family always cherished together and I loved watching my brother play in hopes of one day being able to perform the same way. I looked up to him for his ability to play soccer and he constantly pushed me to be better. I always knew that when the weekends rolled around that our family would pack up and spend our day at a soccer field somewhere in California. I truly believe that soccer brought us closer together and still to this day it gives us something to talk about.


Although my senior soccer season didn't turn out to be exactly what I wanted I don't regret the decision to play. The memories will last forever and the fact that I made it through four years of collegiate soccer is something that not everyone can say. I think that there is a point in your life when all you do is think about what was and what could have been but I know I can't change any of that. Of course there are things I would have wanted to turn out differently but everything that I have gained from those moments are things that I could never give up.


For me personally, soccer has shaped my character more than I could have ever imagined. I have had eight different surgeries on my legs, six on my left and two on my right, and another possibly on the way. I have met more doctors in twenty-two years than most people meet in their entire life and have had more tests and surgeries than most people ever have. But, throughout all the time spent at doctors offices and hospitals, I have also had the chance to meet so many awesome people. The conversations that I have had and the fight I have been able to instill in people is something that makes every ounce of pain worth it. I have met people who never thought they would be able to live their life how they wanted to and I knew they could. They were able to see what I have been through and believe that they two could make it. I have also seen miracles happen right in front of my eyes. I have no doubt that you can learn from every single tough situation that happens in your life. I know that things can always get worse and that it's one of the hardest things possible to believe during your situation because at the time all you can see is your own issues.


God has tested me in a million different ways and He will continue to test me but I know that no matter what things will get better. People close to me joke that I need new legs and joint replacement, which is obviously funny because I have had so many issues but in all honesty if you look at the path I have been on and the damage that has taken place, I truly am lucky that I can still walk. It's been over a year since I sprained my ankle and it's been ten months since my ankle was "repaired". The ankle repair that was supposed to take place actually made my ankle much worse. I have been living in constant pain every single day and unable to do a lot of things but during that time I have constantly forgot that I can do so much more than a lot of other people. It's extremely hard to be thankful for what we have especially when it seems impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel but that light is always there, ALWAYS. It might be too far away for you to see at the time but at some point things will clear up. "It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever".


This post may seem all over the place and the reason for that is I have so much running through my head. I have been struggling for months and months with so many doubts in my mind that all I wanted to do was just quit everything and sleep. I have had rough points in my life but nothing has been as hard as the past three months. But the awesome thing is that although I was struggling I had amazing people come beside me and force me out of it. At a time when I didn't want to do anything people forced me to get out and live. I had forgotten how to be happy and to continue to enjoy life because all I could feel was pain. I am so thankful to have amazing friends, family, work family, and a God that loves me no matter how many times I screw up. It's important to remember that no matter what someone always loves you and always wants the best for you. He is on your side no matter how dark the sky around you looks. I have finally been able to see this lately and as of right now I am unsure what the future holds for me career wise or health wise but I trust that it will all come to when it's meant to happen. Everything in our lives happens at a specific time for a reason and we may not understand that reason for days, months, years, or we may never know but trust that it will work out. Trying to force things does nothing but stress us out. Being patient may be difficult but it truly is what is best.


The reason I wrote tonight was to get things out but I hope that in the process whoever decides to read this also gets something out of it. I love all of you very much. The picture I put on this blog was taken at Del Mar tonight...my parents and I went to dinner and when we walked out that's what we saw. Never seen anything so beautiful. If you happen to be going through a tough time, don't give up. I know it's not easy but things will get better and you will learn something in the process. Keep looking up and you won't be let down and be patient because what you want may take some time! :)

Peace & Love, Tay

Let Go and Let God

Last night was one of the most random nights that has taken place in a while and the place I landed was exactly where I needed to be. There are something about the cliffs in La Jolla that seem to take all your troubles away. As I sat there I thought 'does each wave that comes in and out wash something away'. I was sitting next to a friend and at that point she probably thought I was a little crazy. Each time I have just stood or sat on the cliffs I have had different thoughts come through my head. Last night was interesting because the waves that were crashing on the rocks seemed to become much bigger whenever we spoke of God. At first it was a joke, a big wave came and I said 'really God that was a little scary', but as time went on it became a little more real. You could call it coincidence but I saw it as God letting me know that He was right there and that there was no reason to be scared of anything. At that moment nothing really mattered, one reason I love standing on those cliffs. As we continued to sit there my mind continued to run as fast as it could to the point where I had to write in my phone what I was thinking at that exact moment. I knew that I wouldn't remember unless I wrote it down. This is what I wrote:

Sandcastle being wiped away by the waves. You can build a trench or wall to keep the water away so the castle won't be ruined but at some point the water rush will be too strong and the wall will come down and there will be nothing left. God works in a similar way.

The way I saw this playing out in my head was that our lives are built in this sandcastle. As children we are taught build a trench with a wall around the sandcastle so when the waves hit the sandcastle will stay untouched. We would spend hours trying to make this trench and wall work the best we could and spent so much time perfecting the sandcastle. When what we built failed to protect the sandcastle, it broke our hearts and we felt like we wasted all our time. Maybe this isn't the case for you but as I sat on the rocks of the cliff watching the water rush in and out, that was the idea that came through my mind. You can build a wall to attempt to keep everyone out, including God, but at some point that wall will become too weak and a rush of things will come through. It's talked about so often that once you completely fall and have nothing, that then you can build back up again. I saw that idea a little differently last night in a sense of if that wall isn't up and the water is able to wash things away then let it happen. Each wave of situations that rush up on each of us is a chance for things of the past to be washed away. If we set up a wall the process is longer and more painful because at some point the only thing left is to completely crumble. If the trench and wall aren't built all or some of the sandcastle is washed away. Same thing with our lives, God would like to wash things away little by little but we tend to not listen until something dramatic takes place, at least that's usually how it is for me. Surrendering our lives to Gods plan and accepting the difficult situations that present themselves in our daily lives is key to allowing God to "fix" us. God isn't trying to hurt us or ruin our lives, He just wants to build us up and make us better so that we can better serve Him.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am...strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

This verse has really been on my heart lately and the reason behind that is because of some difficult situations that have been presented to me in the last few days. Reading this verse makes everything seem so much easier. Allowing God to bring us down so that He can bring us back up is so important in our lives. Trying to block Him out or block the people around you out that care about you isn't the way to go. We need to let the waves crash over our lives and as they return back to the ocean allow the waves to take pieces of your past or even the present that need to go. If things are difficult then stop looking at the situation and only viewing it as difficult. Really stop and ask God what He wants to fix in your life or what things you need to change. God doesn't make our lives difficult without a purpose. He loves us enough to fix us. He is one person that truly knows who we are and what we are about but doesn't want to leave us that way because He knows we deserve better. So with all that said, let go of the person you think you are or want to be and let God transform you into the person He wants because there is nothing better than that. God just wants our lives to be centered around Him!

Press On

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14)

I am definitely not perfect and I would never try to say I am but I do continue to strive to be the best person I can be. These verses were shown to me and it took me some time to really understand why I was needing the words that came from studying these specific verses. A common occurrence is for me to look at a verse that I am not familiar with and just immediately freak out. As I began to break down what each of these verses were saying I noticed something interesting about the way my life has been going lately. I have had a lot of different problems in my past and some have been causing me a ton of grief lately. "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead", this was the first thing that stood out in my mind as being important. Although so many different things have caused me pain and heartache, it's important to forget about those things so I can move on to what's ahead. I have been stuck in a spot lately where I haven't seen a lot of change in certain things. My world has been changing but certain things have gone nowhere. For me, lessons have come a lot of the time through injuries I have had to deal with in many different scenarios. It took along time for me to finally "wake up and smell the coffee", realizing that God just wanted my life. He still does. He doesn't want me to be panicking about what is ahead or the future circumstances of situations I am apart of right now. God wants me to forget about everything that is behind me whether it was fights with friends, changes in the people around me, injuries, doctors, family, people, or even school. By focusing on the things that are behind me I am missing out on so many awesome things that are right in front of my eyes. I have some awesome opportunities to be walking proof of Gods love and honestly what is better than that!? "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." If this is the goal then those things of the past can alter the outcome or the exhaustion that takes place while we wait for the day that we meet our Maker. Yes, life is hard and God never said it would be easy, but if we keep our eyes and our heart locked on heaven, then the things in this world can never be too difficult. Now with that last part of the sentence being said, we must condition our minds to be able to handle those difficult situations so when they do take place, we are strong enough in our faith to believe that God will pull through. "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." God allows us so many chances to be as close to perfect as we can possibly be. In this verse Paul was clearly admitting that he was not perfect but that he was working towards being as close to Jesus Christ as he could. God looks at each of us as if He was looking at His own son, Jesus Christ. The ultimate form of grace is the fact that all our sins have been washed away and we are given the opportunity to work towards being as perfect as we can be knowing we are loved more than anything along the way.

At this point I am nowhere near where I want to be. I am not perfect and I wouldn't even attempt to claim to be. The goal I have for myself is to strive to be as close as possible to where God wants me to be. It's the goal that we should all have...to be as much like Christ as we can be. I mean really who wouldn't want to live their life like God? God has created us to live in His image. It's in each and every one of us. We must be willing to give up everything to live that life whether it seems like what we want or not. God will shape our lives how He wants, but with that said we have the choice to stay in control and live our own lives how we want or to trust Him and follow His plan. Even when we think we are in control of our lives we really aren't, so why fight it? We must never stop running or straining ourselves, in hopes of one day winning the race and getting the prize!

God Bless,
Taylor

It's A Brand New Day

Lately I have been going through a really rough time filled with fear and doubts of multiple things. Part of these feelings have shown up due to the fact that there are two weeks left in the semester and at that time I will have graduated from college. Scary, yes, but I also thought that I was doing well with the transition, but as time went on I realized that fear is inside me without me even wanting it there. I have been second guessing everything I thought I wanted to do, when in reality the career choice of physical therapy is something I am extremely passionate about. A week ago today I received a call from my mom about my dad having a heart attack. At that point I had extreme fear run throughout my body because I was scared of what may happen. I had friends immediately change that fear into faith and the rest of the time that I spent at the hospital was filled with faith. I knew God was making his presence known in the room that overlooked the golf course and beach. That was my sign that God was taking care of my dad by letting him look out into the world and see only the beauty that God created. Things were going well until Saturday night everything took a turn for the worst. I left the hospital that night overwhelmed with he feeling of the unknown. I didn't like the fact that I would be leaving him there and not knowing what could possibly happen. As I walked out of the building I began crying and was unsure what to do. My drive consisted of listening to "How He Loves Us", and at that point I knew that all I could do was trust that my dad would be fine because God was in control of the situation. As soon as I started feeling better about my dad's situation my ankle took a turn for the worst. I was in an extreme pain and wasn't handling it well. I made a few choices this week where I attempted to escape everything that was in me and came to realize that all I was doing was making it worse. Escaping wasn't the answer, God wanted my attention on Him instead of all the other things I thought I needed. Wednesday would be a day that started off really well and ended much worse. Everything was awesome at my internship that day and I had really enjoyed everything about my morning. That afternoon I had a doctor's appointment for my foot and although I knew exactly what was going to happen, I was hoping it would be different. I received a cortisone shot that caused me to be in a ton of pain that night and into Thursday. I was really struggling with the pain and wasn't able to do much about it. Yesterday I was a mess, I went to physical therapy and was unable to really get my mind focused on being there and actually getting something out of it. I was allowing the pain I was feeling to completely alter my ability to let my physical therapist help me. It was somewhat of a useless day because I was unwilling to relax and just perform the exercises I was being asked to do. I went back in to get more treatment today and it ended up being a good morning. When I walked in there I was so exhausted and it was seen on my face. Everyone asked me if I had taken pain medicine before I went in there but I hadn't taken anything. I asked one of the girls if I really looked bad and the words that came out of her mouth were, "you look like you have been defeated". It was at that point that I realized that I had let the enemy win and was no longer showing my faith in God. Things aren't great right now but I know everything will get better and I have faith that God has a plan for everything I have been going through. I have people that are looking out for my well-being and they want to see me get better. It's gonna be a long road and although I thought my recovery would be quicker then it is, that won't be the case. I am going to have to teach my body how to walk again, which isn't going to be easy but it will be worth it. It's going to be hard but all I can do is trust God and believe that I can and will be healed when the time is right. As I left physical therapy today a song by Joshua Radin came on titled Brand New Day. It was the first song that played on my list of songs on my Ipod. The lyrics to the song made me comfortable knowing that no matter what took place the day before, in the morning when you wake up its always a brand new day and the sun will be shining. Life will always work out how God wants it to. It may be a while before I get myself back on the right track but I know that God is with me and He will constantly provide for me. At this point I am able to accept what is taking place and willing to allow my relationship with God to grow in this process. I have realized that once fear sets in it's difficult to see any good in anything that is going on in your life. The overwhelming feeling of fear had taken me away from God and kept me from seeing the things God wanted to show me. I have started to understand why you can't have fear when you are trusting God and have faith in the things He is doing. So for now all I need to do is continue walking and make the right choices along with trusting in God and having faith in His plan. I really appreciate all the people who have continually been there to support me and provide encouragement. This past week has definitely been one of the hardest weeks for me but I don't plan on giving up. I know that when it's right, things will get better but I also know it won't be on my time. I have to trust God and also have to somewhat trust the people he has placed in my life to help me get through my ankle injury. God Bless, Taylor

I will rise...

It's very interesting to me that last night was my first time writing a blog because the events that took place today have made me realize how important everything I said was. As I read through what I wrote it hit me that all along I thought I was writing for everyone else to see but really I was writing those words so I could see them. This afternoon I received a call that would test my faith more than anything in my life that has taken place lately. It was a good morning...I slept in, went to the gym and only had one class. After class I received a call from my mom telling me that my dad was being taken to the hospital and may have had a stroke. It was at this time that fear immediately came over me and I was panicking. I called the people I needed to call and told them what was taking place, and although I wanted to hope for the best, all I could do was imagine the worst. For the next two hours I would spend my time crying and in a panic, for what reason? Before I left to go see my dad Janelle came over to the apartment and prayed with me. It was amazing how quickly the fear left and faith completely took over. I knew God was in control and that being in a panic wasn't going to help anything. All I could do is ask why him, why him? I realized later that it had to be him, not just for me but for every person that knows him. I saw God in everything that took place. My mom had stayed home from work today, which she never does and if she wouldn't have been home he would have had to call 911 because no one was at the office at that time. My plans for the day already consisted of me being in La Jolla, which is where his doctor is. Yes, what is taking place is not easy and definitely not a fun situation but God is with him, right by his side. I have no doubt in my mind that God is protecting him and has been protecting him from the moment this all began. I was reassured of this when we were sitting in urgent care and in the room next door I could hear the nurse say I know you may hate me for what I have to do but I really am trying to help you not hurt you. The things she was having to do were not fun for the patient but although the stuff was painful and uncomfortable, she was attempting to help her get better. I may have been the only one in the room to hear her say that or take it in the context I did but it was at that point that I was reminded of something I had said. "He has His hand in every little thing and it's all to help us, never to hurt us." I wrote this in my blog last night and fully meant it. God didn't allow this to happen to tear anyone down or tear my family apart, He did it to bring us closer and to ultimately bring us closer to Him. I really do understand the meaning of trials and being tested and I also am now able to stand when my world seems to be crumbling. I was reminded this afternoon that nothing is mine, everything is God's, so instead of allowing fear to take over it's important to trust God and let Him place His hand where He chooses and How he chooses because it's all His. God has allowed me to stand when I had no ability to stand on my own, and He has placed by my side the people and support I have needed. By the end of the night I was the strength in my family, the person calming everyone down and telling them it would be okay. Before I left the hospital I gave my dad a kiss and a hug, and told him I loved him. I walked out of the hospital extremely scared to leave an anxious for the morning to come so I could return, but even with all that going on I know God is with him tonight. What takes place in our lives won't always be easy and the minute you think things are going well, something else will show up. But each time you will grow even more to the point where things like this won't even phase you because you know Who is behind it, not what, but Who. God is behind every single thing and when I told my mom that tonight she responded with, "even something like this?" I said to her it may not look good now but I have no question that good will come from this because God will show each of us something we were unaware of. I love my dad with all my heart, but God loves Him even more, and that is why I have nothing to worry about.

It was a good day no matter what it looks like on paper. I pray that everything will go well tomorrow with my dad's surgery and I pray that the doctors can figure out what's going on. I thank every single person who has shown their love and support for my family as well as those people who have been constantly praying for us. I love all of you so much.

- Taylor

You are so Beautiful!

So I created this blog a while ago and thought I was going to start writing but it never seemed to happen. I have decided I am going to start writing and whatever is supposed to come out will.

A bible study group was started at my house about 2 1/2 months ago and during this time some awesome things have taken place. It's crazy to me how many bad things can take place in this house each week but every Wednesday God never lets us down. All those situations that seem so big at the time become nothing. Last night was one of those days where you look back and can pin point every single thing that was of God. I was taught something extremely important yesterday that hasn't left my mind since it took place. God taught me the importance of listening to His voice and reacting to what He says. God spoke to me and because of the place I was in at the time, I was given the chance to fully listen to what God had placed on my heart. If you would have asked me a year ago what it meant to hear Gods voice and to listen to Him, I wouldn't have had a clue. A year ago around this same time I began noticing who God really was. I no longer looked at Him as a child would but as someone who understood the impact He has on each one of our lives. At the time I had just had ankle surgery and was very frustrated with not being able to play soccer and just being in pain. I met someone at that time that changed my life forever by opening my eyes and heart to the love that was found in God, a love that couldn't and can't be found anywhere else. The rest of that year would consist of a number of other injuries that would constantly test my faith. Each time got easier in some areas but harder in others. I now understand the meaning of being obedient and having faith in God no matter what is taking place in my life. I see God's hand in every single thing I do and I constantly think about the effect it could have on my life. God is my everything and without Him I would not be standing right now. The people He has placed in my life have always been there at the exact time I needed them. It happened again last night and all I could do was sit there in shock. It's so incredible how you can look back at things and totally see God doing His thing. He has His hand in every little thing and it's all to help us, never to hurt us. God really is preparing us today for what the future holds. Looking at each situation that takes place and knowing that God is behind it and will bring good from it has helped me so much. I have all the faith in the world that God will bring me out of the things I am in when the time is right. He can heal anyone and anything but it will be when He feels it's time and not any sooner. Trust God in any situation that you might be in and never doubt what He can do. Be faithful to Gods word and obedient to what He is asking of you. Live your life striving to be like God, and never settle with your relationship because it can always be better. Let go of the control and give it all up to God, He will take care of the rest! :)

God loves you and so do I!!

-Taylor