Current Feelings

Usually when I write it's because something during my day caused me to rethink or possibly realize certain things that are taking place in my life. I write not only to express myself but to also hope that someone else can get something out of what I talk about. Tonight I am writing to release some of the things I have been holding on to and to get out in the open what has been going on with me lately. I guess you could look at this blog as an update of what is going on in my life, especially for those of you who don't see me regularly.

It's been three months since my dad passed away and I would love to say that things are getting easier but that's not the case. I am realizing that although grief is something that really can't be explained, there are a lot of similar emotions that people deal with at some point during their journey. The difficult thing is the fact that each emotion hits people at different times. The process of grief isn't something that can be explained very easily or even understood by anyone that hasn't actually gone through it. The one thing that everyone agrees on is the fact that grief is one of the most difficult journeys to go through. It's filled with extreme up's and down's and it can cause you to be overcome with joy one minute and crying the next. Most of the time these feelings can't be controlled and you must allow these emotions to run their course.

Lately I have noticed a lot of changes in my daily life. I am still struggling to sleep at night and if I do fall asleep, it's hard to stay asleep. My mind is constantly racing with a million and one thoughts about things I have no control over. The worst part about that is I can sit here and admit that I have no control over these situations but can't stop worrying. I am someone who worries about a lot of things even when I know it's out of my control. I try to be the strong one, the person who takes on as much as possible so nobody else has to, proving I am more like my dad then I ever would have admitted before now. The most recent thing I have been struggling with are panic attacks. I thought I knew what a panic attack was, but now I know that I never actually understood what was happening. The times I thought I was having an attack, I really wasn't. I also feel bad for ever telling someone to just relax because it's not that easy. These attacks happen without notice and they range in the amount of time they last. It's one of the oddest feelings I have ever had to deal with. The fact that whatever is going on is out of my control is difficult for me to accept, yet not accepting what is going on only makes it worse. I am constantly exhausted. I fight so many emotions trying to make it through my day the best I can that by late afternoon I am drained, emotionally and physically.

I have learned a lot about the connection between physical pain and emotional pain. I have seen my inner struggles be manifested into physical pain within seconds of thinking or being told of something difficult for me to hear. On days that my physical pain is unbearable my mind also seems to struggle with life as a whole. Noticing the correlation between the two has actually helped me some of the days because I have been able to understand my physical pain and fight to keep my mind in a positive place. It's amazing how for the most part the two are often connected with one another, yet in reality we have control over the shift in our mind. We have the ability to not allow physical pain to manifest into a mental breakdown. I have been doing my best to keep my mind in a positive place, which is why the panic attacks are so difficult for me to handle. These are all such new emotions, emotions that I don't really understand and may never understand. I am doing my best but don't really feel that my best is good enough right now. I feel at times that I could be handling everything much better then I am. I know I am doing everything I can for the most part, but that still doesn't make me feel any different about how I am dealing with it all.

Another thing that has constantly been on my mind is my future. I honestly have no clue what I want to do. I thought I knew but now I really have no idea. I also am lost with when to move on with everything. I feel like if I was to be in school right now it would be useless because I wouldn't be able to focus and I wouldn't have the motivation to do my best. I can't even sit down and read for enjoyment let alone read a textbook. How do I know when it's right to start living more normal? I don't want to look back on my life and not remember anything I was taught or what classes I was even in. I want to keep living and I am trying to live as normal as possible but I just don't know if jumping into school is the best thing for me right now. I am at a point in all this that I have no clue what I want or what I should do. I feel so lost. I have never wanted time to move so fast, yet also want it to slow down. These feelings are so strange. If I could just figure out what I want or what is best for me then things would be a lot easier. I know that I shouldn't worry about all of this and I know that I have no control over what happens but I am scared. I am scared that I am going to fail and not make something of myself. I have never been so scared in my entire life. All of this is so hard and I know life isn't easy but with all that is going on my future seems so far away. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to fall apart. I just want to be given some kind of sign that everything will be okay.

I have been reading the verse Jeremiah 29:11 over and over, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", yet I feel as if there are no plans for my life as of right now. This verse seems to pop up at the times I need it the most but like I said before I am just scared of the place I am sitting currently. The best thing for me to do right now is just take some time to breathe and calm down. I am causing myself to panic so much about all the things that are currently taking place. Between everything going on with my grandma's to trying to help my mom, it's just exhausting. I don't know what to do for anyone, I don't know how to help. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to live as normal as I can, but every day is more and more difficult. I feel horrible for even feeling like this because I know that other people have it so much worse. I am actually lucky to have a lot of the stuff I have and I am grateful for all the good in my life. I knew this would be hard but I guess I expected it to be a little easier then it is. It's like I am crumbling to pieces and the one who used to be there to pick all those up is no longer here.

Since my dad passed away this is probably the most I have expressed my inner feelings on my blog where all could see. I am not one to show weakness and I hate being in a position where I feel vulnerable but I have been adding to this post for days. I kept thinking that I didn't want to put this up and allow anyone to see it but then I felt that I needed to. I needed to get all this stuff out because I have been holding on to it for a couple weeks. I have been acting as a container lately and my container is overflowing with different thoughts. At least on here people can choose to read or not read. I usually don't even know who has actually been reading what I write. I am not giving up so hopefully this isn't that negative. I am going to keep fighting to work through all of this, I just don't really know what it's going to look like to everyone else. I feel like I need to hide, but hiding is probably not the answer. I just have to keep doing my best because right now my best is all I got.

God Bless,
Tay