Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Fathers Day First...

It's pretty interesting to me how the body tries to protect itself from dealing with pain. My minds way of protecting itself was by trying not to remember the meaning behind today. I woke up just like any other day, not really thinking anything of it. We spent part of the morning in urgent care because I sliced my finger, which seems pretty fitting for the amount of times I spent in that place with my dad by my side. After we left urgent care we spent most of the afternoon in Carmel Mountain having lunch and running errands. My mom had also blocked out what day it was and wasn't aware until I mentioned something about it. I think we were both protecting ourselves from feeling pain. We had a nice lunch but we were both very quiet. I have noticed that a lot of times when we are having difficult days we both just shut down. It may be fear of causing the other person more pain or it may be how we both deal with situations.

Traumatic situations cause our bodies to do a lot of unusual things that are hard for others to understand. Even people dealing with their own traumatic event has a hard time understanding another persons situation because each of us deals in our own way. We tend to have no control over how our mind reacts. In the days leading up to today, all I could think about was the fact that it was Father's day and my father wasn't here. As I went down the card aisle I had a hard time because I wanted so badly to stop and look at the cards for dad. Cards are something I take pride in and I always did my best to pick the best one I possibly could. Every place I went to reminded me that this weekend was a day to celebrate amazing fathers and just amazing men in general. It's a day to spend with our dad's or at least tell them how much they mean to us. I never took Fathers Day for granted. I made sure that no matter what I did all I could to make my dad understand how special he was to me. He loved watching golf and usually we spent a lot of the day watching the PGA tournament.

I attempted to turn on golf today but just couldn't handle it. I really wanted to watch it for him but was unable to. It's weird how sports just aren't the same anymore. I have a difficult time watching any sporting event on TV. Anyone that knows me, knows that sports have always been a huge part of my life. However, sports no longer take on the same meaning as they once did. Last year I went to a Padre game with my dad a few days before the Fathers Day. It was one of the greatest days I ever had with my dad. It was the first time that we hung out together as adults rather then me just being a kid. The picture we took that day sits on my dashboard and is one of my favorite pictures of my dad and me. As we were driving today my mom asked when the picture was taken and I had the chance to tell her what day it was. That is a day I will never forget and I will cherish that picture forever.

Today is an important step in this journey because it's never going to be easy, but this was the first without my dad here. I am thankful I had my mom with me and that we were able to get through it together. Although my dad is no longer here it doesn't change the fact that he was such an amazing father and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to play that role in my life. I miss him so incredibly much and my life is not even close to the same without him here. At times I feel so lost and have no idea how I am going to make it through all of this. I am truly doing my best to get through this but some days are just so hard. I just keep wondering if this will ever get any better...

I am lucky that I had a dad in my life that is so hard to move on without. Some people don't have that, but I had an amazing father. My dad was my best friend and meant the world to me. We did all kinds of things together and it didn't even matter if they were running errands or actually going out and doing something fun. Every day I spent with my dad was something I enjoyed. I found myself wanting to be with my family more and more. Now I feel like I am left to figure out my life alone. I am not sure if everyone around me actually understands how much I miss him. They want to but it's not easy for them to grasp. I have lost friends and other family members but those losses aren't comparable to the loss I am feeling. My heart hurts, all I want is to hear him tell me that he loves me just one more time and give me a big hug. I miss his hugs so much, he made everything else in life so much better just by giving a hug. I had such an incredible father, a father I feel like I can't continue living without.

I can't wait for the day that I am reunited with my dad. I am sure that he is having the best fathers day he has ever had because he is with his father. I know how hard it was for him to lose his dad at such a young age so having the chance to finally spend fathers day with him is probably an amazing feeling. Of all things, I am so thankful that he is able to be with his dad. The fact that I know how much he wanted that makes today a little easier.

**I love you dad so much and I miss you. Thank you for being an inspiration to me and proving how much love one person can show to the world. You are the definition of amazing and you loved me more then any one person should have. You gave your life so that I could have the best life possible. I am sorry for taking even the little things for granted and I am sorry that I didn't do more to help you. I only wish I could go back in time and change certain things. The hard thing about life is you can't be given another chance to make things right, so I have to be willing to accept the choices that we all made. One thing is for sure in the 60 years you lived, loved, and taught me the meaning of life. You showed more love to those around you then most of us deserved and you were always there. I never once had to second guess if you would be there or not, which is something I never realized at the time. You spent countless hours in emergency rooms, hospitals, and sitting on the couch with me when I couldn't do anything else. You always worried about me more then I wanted, but now I miss having someone worry and care for me. You were my biggest fan at soccer games and traveled all over the place to watch me play. You gave up a lot for me and I didn't even deserve it. Thank you dad, thank you so much. I love you more then anything.**

God Bless,

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