A Much Needed Visit

The point of my post tonight is a way for me to not only document something that happened but to also explain situations that occur during the journey through grief. This isn't something that only happens to people that have lost someone but can occur at any point in our lives. Mine just happened to be centered around my dad and the loss that I continue to struggle with. The situation that took place was in a dream and in the middle of the night I woke up wondering if it was real.

Dreams are an interesting thing that a lot of people choose to overlook. The fact is that dreams are normal and are a natural thing for the human body to go through. Once the body reaches REM dreams begin to take place, but if the body never reaches that stage then our minds are deprived of the ability to release emotions. If we didn't dream then we wouldn't have the opportunity to let go of good and bad emotions that we are holding on to without even realizing it. Although dreams are a natural occurrence, they are also used by God in a supernatural way. God uses dreams to speak to us, sometimes to warn, prepare, or even answer prayers. Dreams are an important piece to the communication lines we have with God but at times we choose to overlook the meaning. Not every dream is from God but the ones that are can be placed on our hearts so strongly that we know we have to search for the meaning.

"In the last days, God says, I will pour out my spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams." - Acts 2:17

Since I lost my dad in December most of my dreams have been nightmares and usually consist of me waking up in a panic. None of those nightmares included my dad but I couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't having positive dreams. It also really bothered me that my dad had not showed up in any of those dreams in the past six months. I know that is one way that the dead speak to the ones they love so it's been something I have been praying for every night. To let you all in on something, my prayers every night for a long time have been me asking God to allow me the chance to see or hear from my dad just one more time. I have been reading all these books and visiting websites of people who have had the amazing opportunity to actually visit heaven. These people could recall the events that took place on their journey as if it was a daily thing. It's been hard for me to accept that not everyone gets that chance. I would do anything to know that my dad was okay and that he was happy.

Early this morning I woke up from a dream that would leave me to still wonder what the meaning of it was. However, after I went back to sleep, I woke up again knowing that I had a dream but unaware of every detail that had taken place. Each morning I receive an email that has devotions for women. The devotions are written by other women and explain an event that took place in their lives with an explanation of how God helped them deal with that situation. As I read the devotional this morning it talked about a lady that had wrote down a journal of prayers that she wrote for her family when she had cancer. She had come across this journal and decided to go back and read some of her entries. As I continued to read her story it immediately hit me...

My dream included not only the past but also the present. It was dated back to May of 2010, which was a month after my dad had his small heart-attack scare that left him in the hospital for a day. This same heart-attack was also the cause of the procedure that took place in November and may have been the cause of his death. In my dream my dad had wrote me a letter, which was where I saw the date May 2010. I had found his journal but my mom was mad that I wanted to look at a page he had written. I kept telling her that there was something on my heart and that I needed to follow the signs. She still wasn't willing to let me look through my his journal. While she wasn't there I found the journal and went to the page that I knew I needed to read. On this page were the words, "Tay I just want to let you know that I won't be here much longer and my time has come for me to leave. I am going to be okay and I will be in a much better place. Please don't worry about me, I love you and always will." After he wrote that part was a verse that was written out to its entirety.

"But we ought to always thank God for you, brothers and sisters loved by the Lord, because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth. He called you to this through our gospel, that you might share in the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen in every good deed and and word." 2 Thessalonians 2:13-16

Reading the devotional this morning made everything in my dream fall back into place. The minute I read the word journal I remembered every detail of the dream that had occurred in the middle of my sleep last night. When I woke up from the dream I made sure to write down a few details of the dream in hopes of remembering what had taken place. My first counselor that I had after I loss my dad told me that any time a dream woke me up in the middle of the night I should try to write down a few key things that will help me remember. She understood the impact that dreams can have on a person who is dealing with a loss. It was no coincidence that the devotional was exactly what I needed to help me remember every single piece of the dream puzzle that was falling into place before my eyes. I immediately searched for the verse that was clear in my mind and began to question the meaning behind it. I am not sure if I have completely figured it out but I do know that it was meant to comfort me.

Recently, I have felt very alone. That is nothing against the people that continue to be there for me, but it's just not the same. There is a huge hole that is missing and no one can feel that void. I realize more and more how close me and my dad really were. He was my best friend and he was a huge part of my life. I have done my best to not run away from God and I am not angry at God at all. I know that God is the only one that can help me through this time in my life. The people He has placed around me constantly remind me of how much He loves me. He wouldn't put those people in my life if they weren't meant to be there.

The verse above, so far, is a reminder that God is with me and my dad is also there. It's a statement that is telling me to stay strong and keep allowing God to be there, working daily in my life. Not only should I be thankful for the time I had with my dad but I also should be thankful for the people God has placed in my path. It's a reminder to constantly thank God for the life I have and not take it for granted. It's also a reminder to be strong, to show love, and to start fresh. The ending of the verse is stating that I must start over, a new heart towards the work that needs to be done and the words that come from my mouth. I am not alone, I am never alone, and I truly hope that over time I fully believe those two statements I just made.

I am thankful that my prayer was answered, whether it was a message from God or my dad, it was a nice feeling to wake up to. I am thankful for the people in my life and the people I continue to meet. I am thankful that I have an amazing mom and although we are on different pages, I still know she would be there for me in a heartbeat. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love and by people who want to help me. I truly have some amazing friends and I continue to meet people that care so much about how I am. My life may not be perfect but no matter how bad things get, a huge part of me is always thankful for the impact all of my friends and family have on me. My dad is just as amazing now as he was when he was here on Earth, and for that I am one lucky girl. I love you dad forever and always!

God Bless,
Tay

Per L'amore Del Gioco: For The Love of The Game

I find it to be pretty amazing that events can take place and without even realizing it at the time it becomes a big step forward in my journey through grief. Since my dad passed away it has been very difficult for me to watch any sports events. The only sporting event that I really got into was the games leading up to the Super Bowl because I felt like watching the Pittsburgh Steelers was the one way I could feel close to my dad. I knew in my heart that the last thing my dad would have wanted was for me to stop watching the team that I had followed the entire year. Once the Super Bowl was over I lost interest in all the other teams that I used to follow very closely. The huge Laker fan I once was no longer existed and when people asked me about the Pittsburgh Penguins I was unable to answer any questions. Then there was soccer, a game I grew up playing and then followed that with coaching. However, I no longer cared about the game that I once could not live without.

Soccer was the one thing that could never tear my dad and I apart. We would talk constantly about different tactics that teams needed to work on and our opinions on games that we watched. It was the one sport that always brought us closer. He went to as many of my games as he possibly could and gave up so much of his time to be there for me. My dad was one of my biggest fans and he loved watching me play. There wasn't a lot of things that I thought my dad was proud of me for but one thing is for sure I always knew that he was proud of how I played. It made him so happy to see me challenge myself and push to be the best player I could. He always told me that he was amazed by my ability to fight and to never give up. Soccer was the one thing that I felt like I could never mess up at. When I played well he was extremely happy, when I lost he was still proud of my effort, and when I got hurt he was scared but right by my side through it all.

Even at a young age my dad would always tell me that one day I would make a great coach. He thought that I could see the field differently then a lot of people could and he also said that my ability to be patient with kids would make me such a great mentor. I began to feel that he was right and that coaching was the one thing I wanted to do when I got older. That time came and I found myself coaching girls under 12 for the Ramona Intra Soccer club. I absolutely loved coaching these girls. I was more of a trainer but I had accepted a lot of the coaching roles. Once again I felt like my dad was proud of me. He would come and watch me coach and tell me how well the girls listened to me. He would tell me things I needed to work on and what he noticed about the team but it was a time that I actually felt we understood each other. I continued to coach and began coaching freshman soccer at Ramona High. Not only was I coaching one team but I was coaching girls and boys freshman at the same time. It was a challenge but I loved it.

Fast forward a few years and there I was playing my last game, my senior game of college and I was sick with swine flu, which I was diagnosed with the day before. The morning of the game my dad called me and said, "I know you are sick and hurt but I think you should play as much as you can because I don't want you to regret missing this game." As my parents walked on to the field to meet me for the senior ceremony, I could see how proud they were of me. It was a moment that I will never forget and I am so thankful that my dad was able to see me play one more game for him.

Finally, the present, the most current event, and a change in how I felt about soccer the same day the Womens World Cup was starting. I was invited to a tournament in Temecula with a family that I have become very close with through work. They have been awesome in so many ways and when I was asked to go watch Kirsten play I just couldn't pass it up. I loved every part of the trip; the traveling, the sun, the waiting, watching, and trophy ceremony. It was the first time in a while that I found myself truly enjoying the game of soccer. The first game I found myself just sitting, watching, and smiling at what was in front of me. The second game I was more into it and actually was saying things about what I noticed on the field. I wanted to be involved. I wasn't handling sitting on the sideline very well because I missed what it was like on the field. I honestly can't remember the last time that I truly missed soccer as much as I did on Sunday. It was such a good feeling and as I continued to think about my day in Temecula I realized how much I want to be apart of that.

I don't know what my future is going to be with soccer and I don't even know if I will ever be able to play again but I am thankful I didn't turn down the offer to go to Kirsten's game on Sunday. It was a step forward for me, it was a step in the direction of getting my life to be more normal again. I hope I have some type of future that involves soccer, because I really do love the game. I don't think I will ever not love the game. Yes, I have had some pretty rough moments but I wouldn't take any of those back. I have been feeling some regret lately because of my struggles with my ankle but I don't want to ever regret the fact that I lived and loved the game of soccer. It is for that reason that I do hope one day I am on the sideline coaching or even able to play in another game.

So, without even knowing, I made a huge step in this process and I found a hidden love for a game that will always be a huge piece of my life. I don't want to run away from the game of soccer because the memories that I have are memories that I would never want to forget. Some of my best memories of my dad involve sports and some of my biggest accomplishments consist of things I did on a soccer field. If it wasn't for soccer and my injuries then I wouldn't be in the place I am now. I wouldn't be working at Rehab United and I wouldn't have met all the amazing people that I have had the chance to get to know. It is for that reason that I will not regret playing soccer. I now know that I can't live without the game of soccer even if it's just watching. I am looking forward to the World Cup and I am excited to see how well the USA plays.

I am so glad that I continue to make big strides in healing. Even when I feel like all I am doing is going backwards, there is always one area that I am moving forward. I guess that is what happens when you are apart of something that is constantly shifting up and down. I am not always aware of things that are taking place but at some point I realize the steps I am taking to living the life I once had. The goal is to create a new normal but to not forget about where I came from. Although we are told to not live in the past, I feel as if my past is a big part of my future. My past at this point is the only thing that keeps me close to my dad and reminds me that those memories will always be there, no one can take that away from me.  It's amazing to me how our minds have the ability to choose what it wants to remember and what it should block out without us even realizing it. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to move past the things I need to and to return to those moments when I am prepared to handle them. I was finally prepared to reunite with a game I love so much.

Soccer is apart of me and always will be, I will never lose the love I have for a game that has shaped my life in so many ways.

God Bless,
Tay

A Look Into My Life Verse

As a teenager I began to fully believe in the saying "everything happens for a reason", without realizing the mountains I would be forced to climb as I continued on my journey through life. At the time it felt as if I graduated from high school never having to deal with multiple situations at one time. Life was a little easier then I made it out to be or would have admitted at the time. From that point on I would be placed in a position that caused me to deal with trials of all different kinds. I moved away from home and was excited to get away, start new, and continue to live out my dream of playing college soccer. It was at that point that I began to understand that you couldn't just run away from everything in your life. My two years spent in Kansas were extremely difficult and consisted of various trials. It was the period in my life that began all my injury troubles and would leave me still dealing with them at this point and time. However, I still believed that I went to Kansas for a reason and that some good would come out of it. I knew I was meant to be there at that point because I learned a lot and met a lot of awesome people.

Two years later I found myself doing anything in my power to move back to California and still be able to play soccer. As I stepped foot on the campus of San Diego Christian College I was very unsure of how I would fit in. Everything about the place was foreign and at that time I wasn't willing to open up to what the school had to offer. The first semester consisted of me hating where I was but enjoying soccer and the girls I had met. The only classes I enjoyed were classes that were structured towards my major and the other classes were just boring to me. We had to take Bible courses each semester to graduate and I found myself being kicked out of the only Bible class I had ever taken because I didn't show up. I finished the semester having surgery on a torn meniscus and then my ankle, which had a floating bone that was causing pain. The ankle surgery was performed in January of 09' and from that point on my view on life would be changed forever. 

The saying "everything happens for a reason" took on a completely new meaning to me. The new meaning was found in a verse that would become one of my life verses. It's a verse that I constantly think about and each trial that arises in my life brings me right back to this same verse. The verse that I am speaking of is Romans 8:28.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

The issue with how I viewed this verse was that I attempted to see good in every situation and when I didn't I would wait for the day that I would realize why I was put through such a difficult time. I was so focused on the word "good" and also the words "in all things", when in reality there is so much more to this verse. Romans 8:28 is a verse that is overused at times because of its popularity, but I truly believe that the reason it's so overused is because we are in need of finding the true meaning behind this verse. I recently decided that I wanted to take a deeper look into the verse that has become words of hope in my life. As I studied this verse I realized I was looking at it completely wrong.

Romans 8:28 isn't promising that good will come from every single thing that happens to us but rather a promise that God will find a way to bring good from each situation. We tend to struggle to find our way out of difficult times and become surrounded by the bad rather then searching for the good. I have found that this verse is stating that God takes all things that happen in our lives, the good and the bad, and makes them work together. We may never know why things happen to us or we may find out right away, but the things that do happen have a purpose. Behind all the pain and struggling is another side that we must be willing to see, a side that could possibly alter our life dramatically. If good things are happening to us it's because God is working in our lives but that doesn't mean that He also isn't working through the bad. That is the statement that leads me to believe that a lot of the meaning behind this verse is not that "all things work together for good", but actually that God is working in all situations.

There have been a lot of situations that I never thought I could make it through. I have had times in my life where giving up was all I wanted to do. I felt like crawling in a black hole and hiding from the entire world. But during those times God opened my eyes to so many beautiful things around me. I began to see trials as something completely different. I no longer felt doomed from the start but rather searched for the meaning behind them. I searched to find what God wanted from me and how He wanted to change my life through that specific trial. My life hasn't been any easier since the day I found this verse, if anything it has been much, much harder. But on my wrist reads "Omnia Causa Fiunt", which is Latin for "everything happens for a reason". Unlike a lot of tattoo's it is facing towards me, because it's a reminder every single time I look at it. I am the one that gets to see it every time I look at my wrist, so I wanted to be able to always read it easily. The scene below are clouds that surround a cross with dove's flying through it, which stands for Heaven and the doves are the love that flows through from God.

Lately I think I have forgotten what it means to deal with difficult situations and what it means to hope for a better time. I have been stuck in darkness, hiding my emotions from every single person near me instead of opening up and being honest with how I am feeling. I have not only ran away from those closest to me but I have also shut them out from knowing anything that was going on. There have been times where I felt like I could no longer live and that being with my dad was the only thing that could help. I have been living in fear, fear of showing what is really going on and fear of what everyone else would think if they really knew. The person I have been is not the person I like being. It's a person that scares me, a place that I feel very unstable, and out of control. Luckily, I have had some really good days lately. I have once again taken pride in the work that I am doing and the job I have. I love my job and I truly love what I do. It's nice to feel like I have a purpose and to actually take pride in something.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

 Hebrews 11:1 is the verse that states the actions that must be taken after reading Romans 8:28. Through everything we go through we must have hope for a better day and have the patience to take it day by day. At the time it's difficult to see any good, but to make it through the most difficult situation we must cling to the fact that there will be a better day. Whatever the trial may be, there is a purpose behind it and at some point you may clearly see the reason for the struggle you fought through. It may be a person you meet a long the road, a life you change, something you fight for, a cure, or it could just be a realization into something you have been struggling with. Allow yourself to find the good in the situations that present themselves. Take time to think about what you have been taught through the trial you are dealing with or maybe what you never thought was possible. There is something behind what you are dealing with, so try not to take anything for granted.

God Bless,

Tay

A Fathers Day First...

It's pretty interesting to me how the body tries to protect itself from dealing with pain. My minds way of protecting itself was by trying not to remember the meaning behind today. I woke up just like any other day, not really thinking anything of it. We spent part of the morning in urgent care because I sliced my finger, which seems pretty fitting for the amount of times I spent in that place with my dad by my side. After we left urgent care we spent most of the afternoon in Carmel Mountain having lunch and running errands. My mom had also blocked out what day it was and wasn't aware until I mentioned something about it. I think we were both protecting ourselves from feeling pain. We had a nice lunch but we were both very quiet. I have noticed that a lot of times when we are having difficult days we both just shut down. It may be fear of causing the other person more pain or it may be how we both deal with situations.

Traumatic situations cause our bodies to do a lot of unusual things that are hard for others to understand. Even people dealing with their own traumatic event has a hard time understanding another persons situation because each of us deals in our own way. We tend to have no control over how our mind reacts. In the days leading up to today, all I could think about was the fact that it was Father's day and my father wasn't here. As I went down the card aisle I had a hard time because I wanted so badly to stop and look at the cards for dad. Cards are something I take pride in and I always did my best to pick the best one I possibly could. Every place I went to reminded me that this weekend was a day to celebrate amazing fathers and just amazing men in general. It's a day to spend with our dad's or at least tell them how much they mean to us. I never took Fathers Day for granted. I made sure that no matter what I did all I could to make my dad understand how special he was to me. He loved watching golf and usually we spent a lot of the day watching the PGA tournament.

I attempted to turn on golf today but just couldn't handle it. I really wanted to watch it for him but was unable to. It's weird how sports just aren't the same anymore. I have a difficult time watching any sporting event on TV. Anyone that knows me, knows that sports have always been a huge part of my life. However, sports no longer take on the same meaning as they once did. Last year I went to a Padre game with my dad a few days before the Fathers Day. It was one of the greatest days I ever had with my dad. It was the first time that we hung out together as adults rather then me just being a kid. The picture we took that day sits on my dashboard and is one of my favorite pictures of my dad and me. As we were driving today my mom asked when the picture was taken and I had the chance to tell her what day it was. That is a day I will never forget and I will cherish that picture forever.

Today is an important step in this journey because it's never going to be easy, but this was the first without my dad here. I am thankful I had my mom with me and that we were able to get through it together. Although my dad is no longer here it doesn't change the fact that he was such an amazing father and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to play that role in my life. I miss him so incredibly much and my life is not even close to the same without him here. At times I feel so lost and have no idea how I am going to make it through all of this. I am truly doing my best to get through this but some days are just so hard. I just keep wondering if this will ever get any better...

I am lucky that I had a dad in my life that is so hard to move on without. Some people don't have that, but I had an amazing father. My dad was my best friend and meant the world to me. We did all kinds of things together and it didn't even matter if they were running errands or actually going out and doing something fun. Every day I spent with my dad was something I enjoyed. I found myself wanting to be with my family more and more. Now I feel like I am left to figure out my life alone. I am not sure if everyone around me actually understands how much I miss him. They want to but it's not easy for them to grasp. I have lost friends and other family members but those losses aren't comparable to the loss I am feeling. My heart hurts, all I want is to hear him tell me that he loves me just one more time and give me a big hug. I miss his hugs so much, he made everything else in life so much better just by giving a hug. I had such an incredible father, a father I feel like I can't continue living without.

I can't wait for the day that I am reunited with my dad. I am sure that he is having the best fathers day he has ever had because he is with his father. I know how hard it was for him to lose his dad at such a young age so having the chance to finally spend fathers day with him is probably an amazing feeling. Of all things, I am so thankful that he is able to be with his dad. The fact that I know how much he wanted that makes today a little easier.

**I love you dad so much and I miss you. Thank you for being an inspiration to me and proving how much love one person can show to the world. You are the definition of amazing and you loved me more then any one person should have. You gave your life so that I could have the best life possible. I am sorry for taking even the little things for granted and I am sorry that I didn't do more to help you. I only wish I could go back in time and change certain things. The hard thing about life is you can't be given another chance to make things right, so I have to be willing to accept the choices that we all made. One thing is for sure in the 60 years you lived, loved, and taught me the meaning of life. You showed more love to those around you then most of us deserved and you were always there. I never once had to second guess if you would be there or not, which is something I never realized at the time. You spent countless hours in emergency rooms, hospitals, and sitting on the couch with me when I couldn't do anything else. You always worried about me more then I wanted, but now I miss having someone worry and care for me. You were my biggest fan at soccer games and traveled all over the place to watch me play. You gave up a lot for me and I didn't even deserve it. Thank you dad, thank you so much. I love you more then anything.**

God Bless,
Tay

Not a day I am looking forward to...

Sometimes an entire week feels as if it never happened. Time goes by so fast that you look back and wonder what each day actually consisted of and the events that occurred. That was the case for my week. I was pretty busy, which was one reason it went by so quickly. I didn't have a whole lot of time to just sit around and think. Work was busy at times and it made the days much better. I enjoy when work is busy because I actually feel like I am doing something rather then being lost leaving me to think my time away. It was nice to have a better week. A week that had it's downs but also had a lot of ups. I can't really say the ups out weighed all the downs but that is something I am beginning to understand more about. I know that will be the case for a little while. My one hope right now is that this coming week goes by just as fast...

I would like to say that I am not expecting or planning for Father's day to be rough but it already has been and the day is still over a week away. I am constantly reminded while listening to the radio, watching commercials on TV, listening to conversations and walking through stores. Every where I go something reminds me of what day it is next weekend. I don't want to prepare for it to be hard but how can it not be. It's a day specifically made for fathers and each of us only has one real father. Often times people can take the place of your father or fill that void but it's not the same.

I guess I never really understood the meaning behind holidays. Obviously I know the true meaning behind them but what I am taking about is what they mean to each of our families. We all cherish holidays for different reasons and appreciate different things about each day. In a lot of cases once someone is missing from the family the holidays no longer mean what they used to. For my family, my dad was a HUGE piece of every single holiday. The only thing we can do now is hope that holidays have a new meaning and that we start new traditions. But...one day that can never change is fathers day. It will be a reminder each year that my dad is no longer here.

I would love to sleep through this entire week or run away and not have to be around anything that reminded me of what was happening, but I also know that's not a good idea. This is something that I have to face, a day that I have to get through. I don't really know how but I will. I need to find that thing that allows me to remember my father, while also keeping myself busy. Something that helps me remember how awesome my dad was and how lucky I was to have someone like him in my life. Hopefully it ends up being okay, more like hopefully I am okay...

God Bless,
Tay

Living in Black and White

Lately I have been really struggling with not having my dad to be here for me. All of those moments I had with my dad made my world so much better. He brought color to my life. As I continue on this journey my world just keeps getting darker and more lonely. I have no interest in watching sports, or even TV in general, and I don't enjoy living in San Diego. I miss my dad. I miss how my life used to be and I know it will never be the same. I am constantly in so much pain, both physically and emotionally, and it's so hard to deal with. I feel like pain is just constantly nagging me, and the minute I get a break from both or even one, I get smacked even harder.

When I titled this post "living in black and white", I had so many different ideas that surrounded those words. Not only can I no longer see the color in life but I also feel like I am stuck in black with glimpses of white. My days seem so uneventful and I am having such a difficult time focusing on the things I need to be doing. Energy is something that I don't have and the worst part is it takes so much effort just to finish out my days. I am in this place where I want to stay isolated from everyone else, but I also know that while I am feeling like this it's the worst thing I can do. I know that this is not a good place to be and that I can't get stuck in this but I just don't care. I really don't care about anything. Now that doesn't mean that I wouldn't be there for people in a heartbeat if they needed me. I still care about the people around me. I am just struggling with how to care for others when I can't even care about myself.

I have been given little glimpses of the light at the end of this huge tunnel. I have had moments where I truly felt happy and enjoying life. I would never try to tell you that those moments haven't happened. I have seen God open my eyes to things around me and prove to me that I will make it. I have had scenarios where I knew that it had to be my dad checking up on us. These are the moments that keep me waking up each day. Knowing that what I do during a day is meant to happen and that I need to attack it the best I can. Attacking each day means that I give it what I have for that day, obviously I can't push to make it miserable but if it's a rough day then it's a rough day. That is all I can do.

The issue with the glimpses of white is that I feel like I rarely leave the color black. Nothing seems right anymore. All the things I used to love doing aren't appealing to me at all. Sports was something I used to have to watch and now I can't even seem to sit down and watch anything. It's hard to watch TV shows that we all used to watch together. Every time I come home to this house it never feels right. The house never feels right because there is something huge missing. My dad was the laughter, the jokes, the sunshine, and a reason to smile. He would sit and listen to my day and anything I had issues with he always wanted to help. He constantly was worried about my injuries and doing whatever he could to keep my pain level down. So much has changed.

I don't know how to get out of the place that I am in. This feeling is something that I never have had and as it gets stronger I get more scared. I don't want to hurt anymore. I know I have to be happy for the time I had with him but I wasn't ready. The timing of everything was so horrible, but when would be a good time. I know the timing is something I have no control over but right now is when I need a dad most. I was too used to having him there every day. I wasn't out of the house yet so I still woke up to my dad making coffee each morning. Every morning I wake up it just doesn't feel right. It's been over five months and I still can't get used to how things are. I just want to run away and be alone. I know that won't help but I am tired of living this life.

The only thing that is keeping me going is the faith that at some point this will end. I don't have much left and I don't know what it will take to turn all of this around. I just hope that like a rainbow, a storm has to occur before everything can clear up. Rainbows are something beautiful after we are hit with a large amount of water. It's always been said that rain are God's tears from Heaven...so maybe it takes tears and a major struggle for the color to reappear to life. If rainbows can appear after even the biggest storms possible, then the beautiful color in my life will one day show again. Until then, I will do my best to continue to live my life...

God Bless,
Tay